imagine hiring an assassin and they talk to you in a customer service voice
âHello, how can I help you today? Wonderful, can I get a first and last name? And how would I spell that? Awesome. And would you happen to have an address for this individual? And place of work? Fantastic.
Now, Iâm going to give you a number, and Iâm going to ask that you send in a photo of your target alongside any additional information you may have- family members, security, combat training, medical conditions, just anything you can think of that might be helpful.
Wonderful, you are all good. All we need now is a piece of government-issued ID, for insurance purposes, and a location for payment pickup. We accept cash, gold, processed uranium, and etransfer.
Iâm sorry, we donât take american express.
Good, okay, so it looks like we are all set- when the job is complete, you will be notified VIA discreet codeword that a stranger will whisper to you on a crowded street.
We do not issue receipts, but if youâd like, I can arrange for a specific breed of tropical flower to be sent to your home address. Our associates will be able to validate it should the need arises.
And is that everything you were looking for today? Great! Thank you for coming to us. Have a nice day!â
Alternatively,
âIâm sorry sir, but Iâm afraid the Pope is a high-status target that is beyond our area of service.
Yes, I- no, Iâm sorry, Iâm not able to do that for you.
Okay. Okay. Yes, I understand.
Sir, if youâre going to use that sort of language, you should know that our HR department does operate in a hands-on capacity.
Wonderful. You take care.â
They create a perfectly normal call cemter staffed by decidedly amoral college students and paying them at least 4x minimum wage.
hiring manager: youâre not concerned about the ah, services we offer?Â
a college student who has eaten ramen twice a day for the past year: for $25/hour iâll pull the trigger myself
Look, the difference between Assassins and Customer Service is that Assassins are paid a lot of money to kill people and Customer Service isnât being paid nearly enough not to.
â Look, the difference between Assassins and Customer Service is that Assassins are paid a lot of money to kill people and Customer Service isnât being paid nearly enough not to. â
âŚis an incredibly beautiful piece of phraseology, fellow writers.
This is the sort of thing you might want to strive to create in your own writing: a comparison that most people would never draw, with a fair bit of (sardonic) humor and a dash of absolute truth to hold it all together.
It might not be 100% your styleâwhich is 100% fine!âbut it can become a tool in your toolbox that you can occasinally use.
A paradox isnât just an witty name for two mallards, just as litotes arenât underweight shopping bags.
The story âWe Can Get Them For You Wholesaleâ by Neil Gaiman (In âSmoke and Mirrorsâ among others) opens with a similar assassination-as-service-industry model. It doesnât quite have the customer service aspect of the original post, more an anonymous-ish meeting in a pub with a member of the sales department.
It does, however, include an offer of cut-throat discounts for bulk contracts.
After which the advantages of getting such a bargain go rapidly downhill.
