Sitting With Miguen

Miguen (They/Them) 18+ When the Notes App just isn’t hitting anymore. Here is my very own late night public diary. With sprinkles of things I like.

[holidaygirlelly]

I just watched Tatsuki Fujimoto 17-26, and Woke-Up-as-a-Girl Syndrome is actually a really realistic depiction of the transgender experience, both trans feminine, trans masculine and intersex experiences.

For many of us, we're raised with a set expectation from our parents, whether raised as the right, wrong or what they think is best for us. We have thoughts and desires but push them down because we want to make those around us happy, as well as fit into what society wants of us. Often times, when we reach puberty, the world around us shatters and we lose sight of who we are or who we're supposed to be. The way people treat us as an 'other' often makes us feel we need to fit into a societal norm based on the gender box we were forced into. Here, it's clear that the protagonist identifies as a man, but their changes in his body make him second guess his identity and fear what those he loves around him expect from him and the worry that their perspective of him will change. The bullies who used to bully him for being 'different' are now hypersexualising his new body and abusing him with the intention of further demean and abuse him. It's really common for those around us to not even treat us as human and more of a toy to use and make fun of. This later extends to his relationship with his girlfriend where he starts to worry if she even desires him anymore now that he's a 'girl', but after an argument he works up the courage to press forward in his identity regardless of what anyone else around him tries to push. It's a short, but really authentic experience of how trans individuals get treated by those around them and how it can affect their mentality and identity and how at the end of the day, people pushing them into boxes are wrong and we need to stand strong in who we are.

[awwbrie]

Been seeing so many posts about the Fujimoto one-shot Woke-Up-As-A-Girl Syndrome reading the main character as a trans man, and I just cannot see it when the story feels so much like an exploration in the horrors of transmisogyny. The main character is simulatenously told that she needs to act like a man while subjecting her to sexual harrassment and threatening her with assault. She's called a pervert because she is told she should use the women's changing room. Her partner tries to rape her because she wants to prove she's still a man. Her partner then tries to leave her, which she blames herself for and then tells her that she's actually still a man and will have sex with her, which again comes right after she was nearly raped. It very much feels like a trans woman repressing her identity to conform to her partner's expectations in their relationship so that she won't leave. She's expected to accept the abuse and assault that she faced, and she's told she isn't even allowed to cry about it because "boys don't cry".

I don't think the adaptation does a good job at conveying how absolutely horrifying this entire situation is, especially the ending using really upbeat music. The protagonist saying that she is a guy doesn't feel like the upbeat affirmation of her identity and love that I see so many people make it out to be; it entirely feels like she is saying this so her partner will not leave her, without any mention of how she sexually assaulted her. I just don't see how a lot of people's takeaway of this story is that the main character is a trans man and this is a happy ending, when so much of it lines up with trans women's experiences with transmisogyny.

[miguenhasthoughts]

I truly feel this is an unfair assessment and reductive. As a trans woman who transitioned in the middle of a long term relationship it was pretty relatable. Initially there are a lot of hiccups to being intimate within this new lens. Penetrative sex was all I knew at the time but wasn’t always an option, my libido fell, and lots of trans people question their sexuality through it. You have to relearn how to be intimate with someone you’ve grown to be intimate with one way. There was a lot of feelings hurt, a lot of insecurities, lot of frustration, and because people are human it can lead to arguments. In the story these are kids forced to deal with this mature situation, they are confused and unsure how they feel about any of it. The girlfriend in the story is shown to be aggressive as a Fujimoto character trait staple. It was wrong the way she reacted to the main character. Yet it felt very raw and real. I’ve had times at the beginning where both my partner and I wanted to have sex but because we still didn’t figure out how that would work for both of us, I’d grow insecure and just be against even bringing it up. It’s a difficult thing to navigate and to reduce it to just sexual assault feels reductive. I also feel like it is unfair to discredit those bringing up it reflects trans men experiences, when the main character is a guy, yet in a girls body and he has a lot of self doubt about his own masculinity. Both with how others see him, treat him and not feeling “man enough” in his relationship. I’m sure that’s a dilemma that many trans men deal with. With that said I’m discrediting your observation that the story shows transmisogyny. Theres loads of it in the story but it’s doing more than just that.

[ben-talks-art]

I kinda love how the four most powerful girls in Chainsawman are all losers in their own ways (Spoilers)

- Makima's motivation is that she just wants a dog. That's it. She's super duper into this one dog that wants nothing to do with her and will literally move heaven and Earth to obtain it.

- Yoru's motivation is basically Kaiba from Yu-Gi-Oh! She has this one-sided beef with the same dog from before and just declared it her mortal enemy even though, again, the dog couldn't care less about her.

- Fami's motivation is just food. No ifs, ands, or buts. She just wants to eat her food in peace.

- And now there's this new weirdo who wants to "save people" by killing them because she's too freaking lazy to try literally anything else. She's in fact so lazy she won't even help out with mundane activities that anyone can do because "it's beneath her."

They all have such silly motivations, and they're all so powerful that they won't even stop for a second to consider they might be wrong.

These four are such dorks... and at the same time, they're all so much fun!

Their motivations are stupid but the lengths they're willing to go for them makes them all such interesting characters to watch and follow.

Makima will literally kill hundreds of people, lie, manipulate, use, and destroy, all for the sake of getting this dog she thinks she's entitled to.

Yoru will sacrifice her own kids, pulverize cities, and lie with the most straight face on the planet just to get a 1 - 0 score against an opponent who barely knows she exists.

Fami will summon demons from hell and leave people to die gruesome deaths all so she can fulfill her plans of eating in peace.

And... Death (What's her name? 🤔), it's hard to say because we've seen so little of her, but she gives the vibe of someone who will refuse to listen to anything anyone has to say and just try this one thing she thinks works for her, that being killing, over and over until it does work because she's just that stubborn.

Again, it's not their motivations that makes them great, it's how simple they are and how far they're willing to go to fulfill them.

They actually do feel like interpretations of Greek gods. All this power in their hands while having the personalities of spoiled little kids who never have to face any consequences for their actions so they never had to consider they might be wrong.

They're all such terrible people but such engaging characters.

[miguenhasthoughts]

02/10/2025

I haven’t written my thoughts down in awhile.

With the state of the world. I cannot help but feeling like a spec of dirt in the vastness of space. A spec moving from moment to moment. I’m a relentless string of reactions and numbness.

Existing isn’t enough. I wish to flourish. Yet that never seems attainable. The world looks at my identity with disdain. It is hard to even process my transition when I am bombarded with threats that it may be temporary due to a fascistic government viewing my existence as an other and degenerate.

I hate that just because I want to feel normal in my skin I will get labeled as a pervert. I don’t even have a sex drive right now! Do I want to be beautiful? Yes. Do I want to be sexy? Who doesn’t? Do I get sexual pleasure for being those things? No. I cannot even process my emerging demisexuality without putting it through a lens of relief. “Thank god I don’t have a libido so that I am safe from these accusations!” How sad is that?!

Before my transition, sex was a big part of my personality. There is some trauma there of course. Hypersexuality is a response to my abuse. The feeling of being able to pleasure another body, and being good at it, was a form of validation that I would go out of my way to seek out.

For that all to vanish. All my urges gone. I have partners that have high sex drives that I used to have and I can’t help but feel disappointing. It is hard to articulate the switch up of behavior without hurting feelings. The my reassure feelings aren’t hurt and I can’t help the insecurity. In the moment I still like sex, ramping up to it is the problem. I feel disconnected from having intimacy in a sexual fashion, at times it even feels revolting.

I know I can say no. That power isn’t stripped from me in my relationships. In fact encouraged because my partners are supportive as can be. However I have been conditioned to not have autonomy in those situations, that I should want it and that I’m less for not wanting it.

It makes me wanna scream at times.

[zeravmeta]

maybe a shot in the dark kind of theory but im slowly being convinced that Fumiko might be the Death Devil or at least a fiend incarnation of it similar to how Denji is Chainsaw Man

if Pochita/Chainsaw Man is indeed the life (birth) devil, it would make Fumiko an excellent contrast with Denji in the sense that Denji is someone who was able to find meaning even living a life as shitty as his, while Fumiko has been shown to not really value life in any way, not just in the general "the world of chainsaw man is a fatal one" sentiment that almost every character in the series has, but in how her actions in public safety have not only caused chaos but have ultimately been about removing the meaning of life. The plot with the Aging Devil is presented as being altruistic, but it's made clear immediately that removing aging would have a butterfly's effect worth of consequences and death associated with it. I think it's important how the aging devil brings up the value of humans potentially living an extended life

Makima alludes to these higher concepts as well that Chainsaw Man removed from the world, so the current state of humanity is technically a devolved state from how they once were, stripped of things that once defined them. In stopping Denji from becoming Chainsaw Man again and continuing to selectively remove critical aspects from them, humans would eventually cease be human anymore. It wouldn't be the death of individual or collective humans, it would be the death of the collective concept of humanity.

There's also this to consider

Makima is a fan of Chainsaw Man while Fumiko is a fan of Denji. But whereas Makima only saw Denji as a means to an end and yearned for companionship from Chainsaw Man, everything Fumiko does is completely irreverent of that divide between them. She's equally cruel to both Denji and Chainsaw Man and never distinguishes between the two.

Fumiko is the only character who does this, who considers Denji and Pochita as the same being.

Perhaps because she is the same.

Life and death. A balance between 2 and -2.

[miguenhasthoughts]

After todays chapter I realized that it was a mirror of one of the pinnacle chapters of part one. Not gonna make any predictions just bringing attention to the realization.

The aging devil arc felt like we were approaching the end of part 2. However I changed my mind, the aging devil arc is the gun devil arc. For me, Yoru fighting Pochita would be the mirror of Aki vs. Denji. I thought aging was the follow up considering gun devil arc was so short then quickly leading into the final arc. Matching the pacing of part 1. Now, I understand they were just the same arc.

What changed my mind? It seems like Fujimoto is framing Yoshida as the reverse Power with this chapter.

In part 1 Power, who was initially selfish yet grew to care about Denji going out of her way to bring him a cake for his birthday. Only to get killed by Makima. Cementing Denji’s spiral into an intense depression.

This chapter. Denji is also receiving a cake, it gets ruined by being thrown in Yoshidas face and Yoru does the same finger bang.

Yoshida has always been a mysterious character. Yet we see throughout part 2, despite being always tied to the goals of public safety, he was continuously shown to go out of his way to handle Denji with care and even a snarky affection at times. Yet we learn this chapter, it seems he was working with Fami to get Denji out of public safety hands (and possibly Nayutas hands too considering Denjis outburst this chapter) to have Yoru turn Denji into a weapon to kill death. Similar to Makimas goal and even willing to sacrifice Denji to do so.

I’m interested to hear if Yoshida and Power have other similarities that make them opposites in Denjis life and within the story. Either way shit is about to hit the fan.

[kafukaselect-blog]

Fujimoto having Pochita/Denji's eating ability directly reference this famous depiction of Saturn/Cronus

He's already referenced the painting before in part 2. What a coincidence that its alongside a "War" namedrop.

Yoru takes the place of Zeus in this story, attempting to free her "siblings" from Pochita's stomach. Interestingly, when she calls forth the Gun Devil, she pulls him from the mountain famous for being the location Zeus trapped Prometheus

[bathroomcube]

the more i try to explain gender to cis people the more i understand plato's allegory of a cave

[bathroomcube]

plato: the shadows are like a surface level understanding and coming out of the cave and seeing the actual objects is what being a philosopher is like

me: this is stupid and pretentious

cis person: girl is when pink and flower and boy is when blue and guns

me: oh no theyre still in the cave

[melynnwaters]

FUCK.

[whereserpentswalk]

Adding "oh no they're still in the cave" to my vocabulary.

[dolche-tejada]

Interesting to note that according to the Aging Devil, humans turning into trees isn't an ability of his but a natural process occuring when humans live long enough to see their thoughts reaching some kind of culmination.

Which means those trees are basically a physical manifestation of our thoughts.

So going with that, does anyone else think it makes perfect sense that the Chainsaw Devil, whose gimmick rely on the tool most commonly associated to cutting trees... can actually cut thoughts and concepts out of people's minds ?

[miguenhasthoughts]

Honey you are the gust that pulls me free.

A storm that shakes me with glee.

Honey you’re a tempest,

A witch. I lock eyes waiting to see.

[miguenhasthoughts]

I am seeing a lot of people taking Dennis’ attitude the wrong way. Sure it does seem psychotic, it’s Chainsawman. When isn’t it? However basing it off of last chapter, this is not Denji devaluing Aki, Power and Nayuta. This is him facing that they are gone and it isn’t his fault that they are gone.

Last chapter Denji recalls the memories that hurt him. They hurt him yet those are treasured memories that made him happy in the moment. These happy memories are sullied when they are filling him with so much guilt. He remembers all the times he could smile without guilt.

He remembers what it was like when it was just him and Pochita. He was miserable but he was always able to smile because he had Pochita in his corner. He finally realizes he still does.

I think this is Denji realizing if something bad happens in his life, he isn’t to blame by just existing and that it is okay to find happiness after disaster strikes him.

He is a perpetual motion machine because all the misery of his life makes all the good that comes from life that much better.

[miguenhasthoughts]

08/24

How infrequent is this habit? How fragile is this goal to keep track of my wandering thoughts? I feel like my life is on rails yet I can’t seem to keep it on track. Why is that? I want to.

My relationship with sex just seems to get more complex the older I get. When you are born with a dick you are imposed an emphasis to get laid as fast as possible, as much as possible. An emphasis that devalues what sex can be. A high libido doesn’t help with that. Hopefully one matures and are able to share intimacy with a partner that goes beyond a simple nut and stop. To truly engage with their partner and feel their body, their warmth. To explore their body with more than just your hands. Take in every mole that create bumps as you rub up and down their skin. Their scent. The sounds they make. The way they kiss, the way they breathe. Take in how they show you pleasure and to contemplate what you can do to give that pleasure back.

There’s even a dorkiness to it all. The giggles. When something doesn’t sound as sexy as it did in your head. Maybe your bodies make a weird noise or you try something that you both aren’t skilled in doing yet. There’s a sense of companionship that comes with exploring new things with a partner that really feels special.

However, as my transition progresses, my libido has dwindled to nothing and the urge isn’t always there. My partners don’t always know how to engage or get me in the mood. I’ve been the initiator for so long that they communicated that they never really built up the skill to take over that aspect. It feels like being a forever DM only I’m a switch who’s a forever top. That does drag sometimes. I hear my partner have sex in the other room with my meta and I can’t help but feel a little inadequate.

I didn’t really have these emotions till recently. It’s my own dilemma. Therapy helps until it seems I reached for something I never really wanted to. Sex is such an intimate thing to share with someone yet not everyone views it in that way. Some just view it as a power move where they get what they want and that is it. No matter who it hurts.

My dad is an awful person. I’ve known this. He’s done things that should’ve locked him up for a long time yet he only got a year. He gaslit me, my mom, and never spoke about what he did with any sense of honesty. He downplayed the assaults he did and I never looked at him the same once I found out. Yet when you are a child you can be so easily manipulated. When you are born with a dick you are drilled with lots of misconceptions of what sex can be. What could be considered a sexual act. When asked if a parent touched you, what answer do you expect from a child other than yes. I had repressed or rather it was hidden behind layers of lies and manipulation that chose to one day unravel.

I cried for hours. I could only feel shame and confusion. I wanted to deny it yet the emotions kept showing up and hurting me. I still feel so overwhelmed when the thought slips through my mind. I’ve been distracting myself time after time and I feel like such a zombie, ignoring everything that allows me to think for a second and it’s so unfair. He already took so much from me and he keeps taking more.

Now whatever libido I have left… I just get triggered when sex begins because it hits me. I just want to sob and not be touched. Something that I already feel like is being taken away from me, feels like it’s being robbed further.

I feel so inadequate and like a part of me has been ripped out and just replaced with empty air.

[miguenhasthoughts]

08/02

There is a stubbornness within me. A will to keep up with bad habits. To only engage in behaviors that make my life easier yet in the long run I know will hurt me. This is an individual who doesn’t know how to live in the moment, an individual who doesn’t know how to stop hurting, an individual that doesn’t choose their selfishness. Yet that same stubbornness can be used to fight back on these qualities. That tell me I don’t have to be ruled by these notions. I know what they are now and I can attack.

I look in the mirror and I am… happy. Yet I am so scared I will ruin it somehow. It is something I keep being vigilant of. Going out femme and being free makes me happy. The getting dolled up, feeling the wind under my skirt, coming up with new ways to do my make up and hair, accessorizing. It’s all very euphoric. My only enemy has been the summer sun, yet a quick spin in a dress makes the heat bearable a bit. With all that said I wonder if I’ll ever shake the fear of getting called out or hurt because of who I am.

I got called a slur. I wasn’t even dolled up. I had short shorts on. A normal tee. My hair is colored bright pink and put up. It was hot. I was helping out my mom with groceries 104 degree weather. There were people doing yard work. And I get called the t slur. I heard it. They were pointing and laughing among themselves. My choice was to ignore it. My mom didn’t hear and if she had she would’ve shook the ground. Escalated the situation. I just wanted to end and to go back home to my partners. I hate that felt indifferent. I knew what happened to me was wrong yet I had no rage or even hurt. I was just waiting for it to happen if I were honest. I was more thankful it wasn’t aggressive. I fear next time it might be. I am happy yet I am afraid.

May and Sam get along. We sleep in the same bed now when May stays over. It can get hot but thankfully not too hot where anyone is miserable or can’t adjust. Sam has a low tolerance for socializing and can’t help but remove themselves every couple hours to recharge. I realize May is really down for anything. We go out, we watch shows, share funny videos. We will watch memes or craft videos on their phone or they will just craft while something is playing on in the background as we cuddle. We really share a similar lifestyle. She does like to go out more than I do. The heat depletes my energy more than anything and it’s hard to always meet those wants. They don’t seem to care however I do. I want to show them I care about their wants and needs. Yes it is more comfortable to stay in and cuddle and talk. Yet just because it is easier doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve the things she wants and I don’t want to fall in that same hole like I have with my past relationships. She makes me things and I want to return the favor, she dotes on me and I want to return the affection. I really just want to do things right and I’m constantly on edge something might happen to push everyone I love away.

About that. I learned to be better. People like me. I have things to offer people. People enjoy spending time with me. With that said I don’t have to be the person everyone wants me to be all the time to be deserving of that love. It’s hard to always tell myself that yet I have to keep telling myself that. To stay happy.

[miguenhasthoughts]

07/15

My relationship to being open about my worries is not healthy. I’ve had been in a long term relationship where I had to minimize my feelings because they don’t have the emotional stability to not catastrophize any inconvenience. Not to mention growing up in a household where I had to be my mother’s rock while she was being abused by my dad. I’ve always been that trusted friend to handle other peoples shit so I just grew to minimize any feelings I had as the the default setting. When I dated Micah, they took notice to my learned behavior and tried to pull me out of that behavior. Maybe it took me too long to open up, maybe I opened up too much and used up their kindness by having them be the pillow I cry into. They ghosted me so I’ll never know for sure. Yet it feels like the gates raised after their departure. I tried opening up and it hurt me. And I know that’s not healthy yet it’s hard not to be insecure.

Yesterday I was really emotional and I was shaking at work. I couldn’t get my mind off current events. To my future. Sam was not someone I could talk to without feeling like I would just start feeling worse. I told May that I was down and she took initiative to comfort me and letting me know they wanted to be closer to me. It felt nice yet I still can’t help being insecure about putting too much on another person. Especially someone I have a lot of respect for and is super strong in my opinion. I guess my biggest fear is being the change in someone for the worse.

Beyond that I have been really vibing with May, they are so open and caring. They have been keeping me active this summer, with new experiences. We have been spending my days off together. They like staying over and we go shopping and cooking for each other. Finding recipes and foods and snacks we both like. Getting through shows throughout the day and we started playing stardew valley together, she’s been holding my hand through it. She matches my freak with vocal stimming, making faces to catch the other off guard, it doesn’t take either of us long to ruin a moment by trying to make the other laugh, usually on the same beat.

I truly believe if my healthcare gets taken away, they would still see me and treat me as a woman and it’s a comforting thought during a hard time.

[miguenhasthoughts]

07/14

I cried in the shower today. I’m meant to be strong and I can’t show weakness in front of Sam or they would melt in an instant. This country is so fucked. Yet I must hide my tears and fears. How is it fair, how is it fucking fair for horrible people to threaten my way of living? For them to harm the necessities in my life just because they view me less than human. HRT is the one thing that made me feel complete and happy with myself and actually come out as a person I love and all that’s in danger because a horrible person almost got killed? I don’t see how that should affect how people see his policies… I’m just so distraught and scared and I hate it so much. I keep seeing online where people in the trans community begging their fellow trans person to “live no matter what, we must live!” And I agree but it’s so heartbreaking that I have to fight for my freedoms at every point in my life. When can we just be?! When can we just exist?! When can we be openly ourselves with no repercussions?!

I should write my normal diary entry but I’ll do that at another date. Today I’m mourning my future until I see the vitals are still active.

[miguenhasthoughts]

07/07

How long has it been? Emotional turmoil has been a stranger recently and I have been more lost in familiar motions. The summer heat has been most opposed to my good mood. It surprises me when people want to go out in this blistering heat if they don’t have to. Though I say that about the storms in the winter… maybe I am projecting my preferred hermit lifestyle onto others.

I have been more active in this summer than those of years past. I’ve been going out to get drinks, dressing up, going out to the water, roller skating of all things. So maybe I’m not the hermit I aspire to be. I’m trying to challenge myself this year to be more proactive in things in my life. Financially it has been hard. And I feel winded at times by that aspect. This year I’m trying to focus on my mental health, despite the looming threats by the powers that be. God I hate this country. I just want a roof over my head with AC, to love who I love and to be who I am out in public. To get the healthcare I deserve and just live a fulfilling life. The world is so cruel. I guess saying the heat is my only enemy currently is another contradiction when this year is burdening everyone in this country with a fucked up choice. I just want to wear a sundress and feel the wind on my skin.

Despite the awful start to this year we have upsides. I have a girlfriend! I should say partner but she views me as her girlfriend and it is so validating to be in a lesbian relationship. She so sweet with a big heart and is really crafty and creative. I’ve never met such a reliable problem solver. She is also really emotionally intelligent that I respect the hell of.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t aware of the damage my last break up did to me. I still get insecure that I’m missing something and they will leave me without a word. All of my abandonment issues came rushing back when Micah ghosted me. Whenever I get the feeling of insecurity I have been addressing in by talking my anxiety down and trying to rationalize every assumption. It is exhausting and it tears me up. If May and I do break up I just want to make sure they are better than when we found each other. That we built each other up and if we ever found ourselves on separate paths that it was amicable.

Maybe it is because Micah has a birthday coming up and that is why they happen to be on my mind. They haven’t been for weeks. Yet I still feel a form of guilt that our relationship probably took a toll on their health and the cost of seeing me was grander than the enjoyment of the relationship. I never wanted them to be burdened by the relationship and I still wish there was closure.

Navigating my relationship with Sam has been complex. With my low libido and low amounts of time, it is hard to show physical affection and I worry that emotional and social affection isn’t enough for them. Or at least it activates their insecurities where they think I am disinterested. Which I admit is fair, without the intimacy it does feel like we are just going through the motions as roommates that sleep in the same bed and share a car and pets. We have our own activities and even spending time 1 on 1 isn’t always viable each week. I have been putting in effort to appease those needs that I know they have but I am sure it is noticeably forced. Beyond that we are good tho. We don’t argue or fight, we are just in a rut with each other.

On the other side of the coin Sam has been spending more time with their partner Barry. And I think his age and maturity is becoming more apparent for Sam. He comes from a neglectful home and hasn’t had a healthy social life growing up. These situations happen and he shouldn’t have to feel insecure about but Sam has been getting increasingly frustrated when they are showing Barry the give and pull of relationships require Barry would rather bury his head in the sand and hide behind his trauma then working on himself if it’d help the relationship. Which to me sounds about right for a young white man who is barely in his twenties. Not saying he won’t grow out of it or even that it’s the issue but it is part of growing pains that I am too sure if Sam has the patience for. It’s been interesting trying to play defense for Barry while also validating Sam’s emotions to make sure they both have a healthy outcome from their current spats.

[miguenhasthoughts]

06/09

I sort of broke down today. I feel like a fraud. I wish I had the capability to get a full grasp of life itself. I’m sure that is a relatable sentiment… I’m trying really hard to be a good person, to take care of other’s issues. I know that’s not my responsibility yet it’s a role that I keep getting thrust into and yet I feel like I’m never doing enough. That the shortcomings in my own life are forever my fault instead a culmination of my circumstances that make getting out of specific holes exhausting to deal with. I do feel like an inkling of relaxation is something I ought to feel guilty for. Any sense of routine and comfortability is something I ought to feel guilty for.

I feel like a fraud. That I am a horrible partner. That the very fact of explaining my point of view or wanting to bring up my qualms unprompted feels like I’m gas lighting or I’m skewing the events that have occurred but I’m just trying to be honest with my perspective. Yet being told at a young age that my sequence of events is wrong. It’s hard to decipher if I’m just constantly being a problem without knowing. I want to improve. I want to be good to those I love. Yet I always feel like they get pushed away.

I wish my partners were better at communicating. They feel emotions before they are able to articulate what is bothering them and leaves a lot of guessing work on my end. Sometimes it’s not even me yet when I ask I get the cold shoulder. Or out right ignored. Micah straight up ghosted me and I just can’t help but to feel extremely affected by that. They never gave me the chance to learn from my mistakes or where everything went wrong. I have nothing but my imagination to go off of and it’s very mean. I really wish I knew. I keep being told by everyone by me that being ghosted is a form of abuse and the way it’s affected my self esteem it def feels fucked. I seriously had to confront that and stop making excuses for Micah.

Now that I have a new partner, I really worry about hurting them and I just want them to be happy and enjoy life and I want to be able to give them things they never had. Even if we don’t last I want to make sure they leave the relationship better from being in it.