Dear diary...

Each page an experience, each day for recovery. | 18 y/o | Poet | Filipino | "I wonder how they could read my heart..."

[mikayla-pace]

Broken Timepiece? Compass?

Dawn,

I start to expect the day only to be greeted by the light of the moon.

I'm lost...

Pacing back and forth

Ablaze with defeat

Comes-

Failure

Failure to recognise time

It's always what struck a chord with everyone

But not me I'm stuck in

Time

Clockwork machinery

Pushing blood through my veins

I repeat the notions

Never knowing where my feet lead

I'm just

A machine

Click-clack

Tap-tap

Everyday a monotone

I am but a monolith

Stuck in display

I find myself in constant disarray just

Chaos

The silent anarchy waging war in my brain

The neurons fail to reach

A compromise

There is no compromise in this broken mechanism

That I call a heart

Lost-

All parts of me are lost

I wonder where they went

But if I don't know where my feet go

How can I look back to places I've went?

Time.

My time is lost.

I always am

Just...

Lost.

[mikayla-pace]

I just need a place to rant this out:

Why doesn't my code run! Goddamn I spend 6 hours and the output is correct but the checker doesn't accept it whyyyyy!

*breathes*

Thank you for your patronage.

[mikayla-pace]

"Silence is a perpetual state of bliss that I'm not willing to trade for anything in the world."

– Mikayla Pace

[mikayla-pace]

Sometimes I wish I continued folding my paper cranes...

- maybe that something I've been wishing for would happen...whatever it is.

[mikayla-pace]

"My mother told me not to hesitate leaving people who do me more harm than good. She told me to be honest without fear of offence. I didn't realise it applied to everybody but herself."

– Mikayla Pace

[mikayla-pace]

I wish there was a bed in library whereas

I could let the stories from the books

Seep into my dreams

As they lull me goodnight,

Slowly and gently,

Telling when the tides will grow

And so does my heart,

With every forlorn passage

It beats a song of awe

For all the things I've learned

And all the things I've never learned

How my veins in a measure of meters

Could be longer than my life

And how much longer it would take

To actualise my aspirations,

And in how many definitions

The human brain can concoct

An adjective to describe love,

Be it a marriage of oxytocin and serotonin and more,

Or a connection alighted through the soul,

There is always more,

Like books in the shelves of the library,

And every other library in the vicinity

Holding years, decades, millennia of knowledge

The people of Alexandria could only imagine to have

But they did burn down,

And so will my interest,

So until then,

In dreams and words I'll drown.

_____

- laying on a bed of papers

[mikayla-pace]

"I still can't hear anything. Is there really anyone out there? It's getting lonely in this box...I don't know how to get out."

[mikayla-pace]

"Hello? Is anybody there? If there is...please just...knock or something. Thanks."

[mikayla-pace]

I know I started the morning right

When I have the blender in the sink

As I sip a frappe quite different from a cafe's

But with the added niche of having it being made by moi,

On the sofa invitingly covered in blankets

Lies a book I have yet to finish.

*

My phone open on a writing app,

The pen on the floor,

And various notebook pages sprawled on the coffee table

I spill my thoughts to the cosmos

Wondering what made me do what I did-

Valiant emotions to create past masterpieces

*

I lie in wait-

Drinking up my laziness

As I look into the incandescent lit-ceiling

With the windows drafting in

The yawn of the morning,

Not quite ready to wake up until 6am...

And so the world stands still

*

And here I sit still.

Trying to make heads or tails of how the words work

And how everything else does...really

As within this moment lies an equation whereas

A poet studying science forgot to add and sutract

And is seriously considering going to art school instead.

*

Lacing my eyes upon the pages

Whispers the back of my mind still thinking...wondering...

On how every moment that led up to now

Have assembled the pieces that made me...me...

An ongoing debate of predestination, or dominoes,

Or maybe serendipity?

*

I pull myself out of my reverie and head for the kitchen,

To drop my glass and my philosophies

As a signal if you may,

That here stops my dreams

And here starts my life-

As the rising sun awakens-

The start of a new day.

*

- just me and my reveries

[mikayla-pace]

Faith and acceptance...

The words dangle from my tongue

Where they ought have never belonged

But I decided they stay there-

Leaving the bitter taste I have yet to swallow

//

This body has never known when to give up

No matter how many times the world has tried to kill it,

No matter how many times I've tried to kill it

It chooses to stay whole like a miracle

//

I've never been one to throw away concepts

Such as dreams, love, concern, attachment-

I know my heart is too stubborn for it's own good

But I let it run free

//

Let it consume me,

Let it drown me

With an influx of excitability

To an intensity I cannot handle-

This is me...

//

Yet I know it should not be.

To have a beautiful soul eroded and tattered

For reasons not worth dying for,

Sins I never had to atone for,

Martyrdom while I still breathe

//

I have come to realise

This game of righteousness?

It's stupid...

How many lives have I given up

To save the ones of the present?

//

For the future is a big, bright place,

With boundless possibilities

And a million serendipities

Awaiting the vigour

Only I can give it

//

And if I mourn every mistake,

Every failure,

Every difficult circumstance I am not ready to face,

What would happen to that bright future?

And everyone who would've been part of it?

//

Fate, destiny...

All these uncertainties await me

Only if I choose to accept it,

Only if I choose to live it,

Only if I choose to trust it.

//

- there is an infinite number of possibilities in this universe and I'll find the best one.

[mikayla-pace]

"The smarter and wiser you get, the more you understand. And the more you understand, the more things seem to lose meaning. It isn't fun being smart."

– Mikayla Pace

[mikayla-pace]

Maybe we were all just victims of circumstance-

Each one a different pace

Thundering in our wayward hearts,

Or a different perspective,

Enveloped in your brain's fragile folds-

We will never be the same

...

We will never be the same yet I maintain the hope

That our hearts can connect-

A leap of faith unsure of who to catch me-

If I will be caught

I'll still try nonetheless...

Isn't that the basis of prayer?

...

Each step was never steady

And with each sentence

I gain a chain...

Two sides of the guilt,

I wonder whom to listen to,

And whom to betray

...

Whilst carrying a will you can never trust-

For this kindness is what led my life

To a state of disarray-

Will it ever be the same?

Am I looking for a different ending

To the very the same tragedy?

...

Unsure still my words lead me,

No complete speculation-

No clear-cut decision

That in the least my silence

One can only wonder,

And never be certain it's the end.

...

- maybe I'll still be waiting in the end? Maybe...

[mikayla-pace]

My apologies for going on an unannounced hiatus, but now I'm back (although haphazardly since I'm quite busy in starting my freshman year). I'll try to post as much as I can, so I hope you guys understand. 😄

[ricomanalo-deactivated20220509]

Entry #2: What’s Wrong with You?

This is a question asked to many of the people I’ve known to be diagnosed or, at least, show symptoms of mental illness.

One’s illness is often confused for being moody or douchy. Either that or they are openly made fun of because of it.

To those same people, I ask you the same question.

What’s wrong with you?

You kick such people when they’re down and call them weak for not standing up for themselves. You gang up on them and frame them for things they’d never do all because, “They’ve got problems up in that head of theirs.”

What about those too afraid or apathetic to step in and defend them? You’re not off the hook just yet. What is holding you back from helping those you can clearly see need it? Are you afraid of the bully? Do you not know how to help? Worse, do you even care?

I myself am guilty of this. I dated a girl with depression and we didn’t exactly last long for obvious reasons. Then, I did the worst possible thing you can do to someone with mental illness: I made fun of them behind their back. I would joke about her depression just to get over the pain of the loneliness I was feeling and for what? It was all in vain.

Back to the matter at hand, this can also be a dangerous double-edged sword. I won’t mention names but a friend of mine was reciting a poem she made about what one might feel if they were depressed and a classmate blurted out (and I’m paraphrasing here), “Don’t you say things like that! You wouldn’t know what it’s like to feel that because you don’t have it.”

For context, this friend of mine was clinically diagnosed with depression and had made attempts at their life before.

Mental health can ruin someone’s life on its own…and to those who seek to make their lives even more like hell, have you been to the doctor recently?

[mikayla-pace]

More people need to read this. This is important.

[mikayla-pace]

"Many a person redefined the word 'toxic' in an attempt to hide their true nature."

– Mikayla Pace

[writerscreed]

Weekly Top 10 Writers

Writerscreed has compiled yet another list of 10 wonderful writers (in no particular order) whose works have wowed us this week. Do take a look and check them out if you don’t already follow them! Great job everyone and as always, keep writing! ❤

@apartialvacuum

@mikayla-pace

@cannulatedencores

@charliewykes

@caramel-stardust

@kidgillis

@jtaylorpoetry

@small-town–r

@prince-magpie

@universalmemoir

[mikayla-pace]

*trigger warning*

Slowly going insane

Blood red memories flood my lungs with dread

Wine dripping from my wrists

As I reach out for the star in the night

*

"Please... please.. help me...."

Enveloped by the fear

Evolving into something cynical,

A monster in the mirror

*

He's there behind you,

Hands on your neck

You can't speak

Or else they'll hunt you down

*

Plaything, puppet strings

Dangling through every joint

This is what I am

Can't sever the connection

*

Or else you'll bleed,

In ugly, unadulterated terror

They have you crucified

To the sweltering hot bed

*

Bind me with kisses,

This is what love is,

Bind me with screams,

This is what care is

*

Tears bouncing back and forth

But my clothes never stain

There can be no evidence

For the will of the ill

*

Justice in my grasp

But the star keeps flitting farther...

And farther

Hope dwindling like the life left in me

*

Monsters in broad daylight,

Their eyes gleaming with malice

Chain me with your words

It'll never be enough

*

Die...die...

No one more to stab me

If the world were to ever

Burn in hellfire.

*

- this is trauma