@ofstarchildâ + x
Foolishly, just as Saeran had begun to believe that maybe just maybe his shattered heart and his broken sense of self were slowly mending themselves, everything came crashing down. The memories were still hazy or maybe that was just the disbelief talking, but he remembered all the things he wished he could forget: a crash. A drunk driver. The drunk driver that murdered Saeyoung and his wife, Mi-Cha. Someone needed to identify the bodies and someone to take care of their 5 year old daughter, Saerom.
That someone was him.
When he got the call, he stumbled back, his legs feeling heavier than theyâd ever felt. The moment he hung up, his shaky knees gave out from under him and before he knew it, he was on the floor hugging them as he rocked back and forth. A pained scream rang in his ears and burned his throat. After 20+ years of life with a brother, he was all alone. Just when the two had finally been reunited, they were already torn apart.
All his life, Saeran suffered. It was so frequent, he was used to it, numb to it. Just when he thought heâd experienced it all and suffered through the worst of it, he lost his brother. No amount of beatings from his mother or even betrayal from Saeyoung could even hold a candle to the soul-wrenching pain of losing his twin- his best friend.
The sound of blood rushing through his ears multiplied by the second followed by an uncontrollable stream of sharp, shallow breaths. No matter how many deep breaths he tried taking or how many times he wiped his eyes, he kept hyperventilating and he kept crying.
There was no way of telling how much time had passed. It could have been 10 minutes or it could have been an hour, but finally, with a shaky breath, he teetered to his unsteady feet and made his way to the car. Now wasnât the time to be pathetic or self-pitying. Saerom was counting on him.
He drove numbly to the police station. Not once did he realize he had driven the whole way in silence and hadnât reached for the radio, and not once did he even feel present throughout the drive. As he arrived at the station, he took another deep breath. With the sleeves of his leather jacket, wiped his damp, red rimmed eyes. âGod..â he muttered before slamming the door to his brotherâs sportâs car and ducking into the station.
There was a brief discussion with several officers he wasnât mentally present for, along with what seemed to be a never ending cycle of giving and receiving paperwork to some frizzy-haired woman sitting at a desk. âSheâs right through those doors,â the woman offered, vaguely gesturing to several sets of doors. Thankfully or unthankfully, it didnât take long to find his niece. Through the walls, her muffled and uneasy voice seemed crystal clear, âWhere are my mommy and daddy?! Why wonât you let me see them?â Her words froze Saeran in place. He closed his eyes and pinched the area between his brows. With a deep breath and another quick wipe beneath his eyes, he opened the door.
He wasnât sure who looked worse: her or him. It was entirely apparent that despite not understanding the situation, she had been crying just as long as he had if not longer. The moment she saw him, her puffy eyes lit up and she threw her arms around his waist. âUncle Saeran! Why wonât anybody let me see mommy and daddy?â She cried. Then softer, into his shirt, she said, âIâm scared!â
The phrase made his eyes burn as he choked back a sob of his own. âHey, itâs-â He wasnât sure he could bring himself to say the words, but as her big, innocent eyes met his own, he sighed and knelt to her level, âItâs gonna be okay,â he assured her, giving her shoulder a light squeeze. âDonât be scared. Iâm gonna.. Iâm gonna take care of you, all right? I promise.â Though she clearly didnât understand the weight of his words just yet, his words seemed to calm her and she nodded.
âGood,â he replied with another shaky breath. Slowly, he brought himself to a standing position, using remarkable effort not to wobble at all. He reached out his hand, which the little girl quickly took in her own. âBut we⌠gotta talk... Letâs go for ice cream.â
***
In all honesty, despite losing his mother close to the same age, he had absolutely no idea how to break the news to her. After all, nobody broke the news to him. He simply walked into a burned down house and was told by officers it was a crime scene. Saeran waited until she finished her ice cream before breaking the news to her in as soft and calm of a voice as he could manage. He found himself choking up multiple times and he did wipe a few stray tears from his own eyes, but it was nothing compared to the young girlâs own emotions.
Saeromi took the news almost as badly as he did. She must have had a similar IQ to her father, considering she seemed to grasp the concept of death right away. âWhy would they leave me?â she cried. âHow could they leave me?â All he could do was hold her in his arms and tell her the truth. âI donât know..â he whispered. âI donât know..â
After sitting on the cold outside bench of the ice cream shop and going through what must have been half the staffâs napkins, Saerom finally had worked herself up into silence. She was quiet on the way to the car and she was quiet the entire ride home, save for the sound of her sniffles and her hushed whimpers.
âAre you taking me home?â she finally asked. âUmm.. no, hun. Weâre gonna be in my apartment for a while.â His response was clearly the wrong answer because somehow, all it did was make her crying louder and more hysterical.
By the time they arrived in his apartment, it was already dark. Items were skewed about the room and it certainly wasnât suitable for a child.. Not to mention, he didnât have anywhere for her to sleep. âSo while weâre figuring things out, why donât you sleep in my bed and Iâll sleep here on the couch.â She furrowed her brows then asked, âAre you going to bed now, Uncle Saeran?â With hesitation, he replied, âNo, Iâm not..â Saerom crawled up onto the couch, âThen, can I stay up with you just a little longer please? I donât wanna be by myself..â
âOf course. Umm, let me get you a blanket..â Considering there was no blanket other than the comforter on his bed, all he had was a spare set of sheets to throw around her, but thankfully, she didnât seem to mind. Saemiâs alertness gradually decreased until she finally fell asleep, using his arm as a pillow. All that crying must have taken a toll on the poor girl. He carefully brushed her hair away from her eyes.
If he was being truthful, he was procrastinating.
The last thing he wanted to do after a day from Hell like today was tell more people that Saeyoung and his wife had passed, but it just didnât sit right with him to leave the rest of the RFA to go about their lives assuming one of their best friends was alive and well when some coroner was likely bicep deep in his chest cavity removing his organs by now.
Tears formed in his eyes as he typed his messages and his fingers shook as he pressed send, but they read:
[MESSAGE]: I have very bad news.
[MESSAGE]: Itâs so bad, I donât even know how to say it so Iâll just say it out right.
[MESSAGE]: Saeyoung and Mi-Cha were in a crash and now theyâre dead.
[MESSAGE]: Saerom is safe, thank God. Sheâs under my custody now, so I will not be around for a while.
[MESSAGE]: I have to arrange his funeral, and I also have to figure out how to raise a 5 year old.
He wrote and deleted several messages before finally settling on his last line as:
[MESSAGE]: But we will manage, Iâm sure..
***
Of course, the next morning was no better than the one before it.
âMr. Choi,â a distant voice called.
No response.
There was a throat clearing and then again, louder and more impatient this time, a voice called, âMr. Choi!â Saeranâs red-rimmed eyes finally met the man in the suitâs eyes- the coroner. âHave you decided on your brotherâs casket?â The man asked. âOh, uh.. not.. not yet,â he replied, his own sleep-deprived eyes going back to the lifeless caskets that looked nothing like anything his brother would ever want to be stuck in.
Just then, Saerom sat up on the couch with a yawn. Immediately, he stood from his chair and closed the book to hide the pictures. âSaerom, what are you doing up so early?â He asked.
âI couldnât sleep that well,â She replied, rubbing her eyes. Then, she lifted her pointer finger and pointed to the book, Â Whatâs that?â
He silently cursed himself for not putting it behind his back in time. He glanced down at it once before forcing a grin at her. âDonât worry about it, hun. Iâll make you some breakfast, okay?â
The little girl shook her head. âIf itâs about mommy and daddy, I want to see.â
Reluctantly he took his seat and opened the book back up. He gestured to the seat next to him, but to his surprise, she crawled onto his lap instead. âWhatâs this?â She asked, pointing to one of the caskets.
âUmm, thatâs..â He awkwardly cleared his throat, â-itâs the place mommy and daddy are gonna stay while youâre growing up. We want to pick someplace nice for them and we have to pick what theyâll wear, too.â
She thought for a moment, then she said, âDaddy would want to live in a Honey Buddha Chips bag.â
He almost grinned at that. âThat would be perfect, but I donât think they have that exactly.. Maybe we can find a similar color to the bag, though. See if you think your mommy or daddy would like any of these, okay?â He asked, pointing to the pictures.
âDaddy has to wear his hoodie and his headphones,â she said, glancing up at him. It wasnât a question. It was a statement. That was what he was going to wear.
The man in the tuxedo put a hand on her shoulder and replied in a condescending tone, âDear, most peopleâs daddies wear tuxedos, not hoodies.â He opened his mouth to say more, but Saeran shook his head. âNo, sheâs right. He would want to wear his hoodie and his headphones, so thatâs what he should be buried in.â He turned to his niece and put a hand on her head, âAnd weâll put a bag of Honey Buddha Chips in there for him, okay?â
âAnd Ph.D Pepper, too?â She asked.
For the first time since Saeyoung died, Saeran cracked the hint of a grin. âAnd Ph.D Pepper, too,â he repeated as he ruffled her hair.












