For a long time I’ve said things like…
I need domestic discipline (or punishment) to be a big part of my D/s.
I need consistent discipline.
And similar variations of the same core point.
While a firm hand is definitely a need of mine, I’m not so sure anymore that it’s my deepest need. What I’ve recently realized that my deepest need isn’t actually discipline. Instead, it is the need to know that he is in charge. By ‘know it’ I mean for it to be unmistakably true, without any doubts. Not just to intellectually understand that we’ve agreed he’s wearing the pants, not just to see him take the lead on some things, but to truly know deep in my bones that he is in charge of me, and of our relationship.
For me, for whatever reason, it seems that the “know in my bones that he is in charge” need must be met through domestic discipline which is why it’s so easy for me to view the two needs of mine as one in the same.
When I have rules and no doubt about being held to them, no doubt that I won’t get away with acting out, it provides a deep level of safety and security. That sense of security from Domestic Discipline unlocks me in the sense that it enables me to trust in our D/s deeper, it erases the insecurities in my noisy, anxious mind. That deep confidence in our dynamic allows me to recognize, to feel, and to believe in the more subtle, but far more frequent, little interactions in our relationship that are also D/s. It lets my submissive heart out of its cage so that it can absorb so many of the “smaller” things. Things like…
The way @cynicaldom tells me I should take meds for my headache.
The way he asks me to bring him a drink.
The way he told me to leave a phone charger in my purse.
The way I keep his sock drawer organized the way he likes.
The way I do silly dances to make him smile.
The way he decides our financial priorities.
The way he pauses at the end of grocery shopping, just before we go to the checkout lane to ask me if I’m sure I got enough “me foods”.
The way I ask before wandering away from him in the store.
The way I sometimes climb into his lap for me, but yet can feel his body relaxing in response.
The way I try to cook foods to his preferences.
The way he packs me “me foods” just in case I get hungry while we’re out.
The way I tell him my likes and dislikes, hopes, wishes, concerns or areas of confusion, but still having him decide what we do.
The way he looks at me with a warm sparkle in his eye when he watches my mood shift as he wraps his hand around my neck, or after I’ve said something he thought was adorable, or after I tell him how much I appreciate him, or after I stand up a little dizzy after a spanking. The fact that the look is the same in all of these situations and so many more.
The way he reaches his hand out for mine in the parking lot or in crowds.
The way he does his best to encourage me to believe in myself more.
The way he sleeps closest to the door.
The way I run my fingers through his chest hair while cuddling.
Many of these “small” interactions could be 100% vanilla in another relationship. They could be “just” kindness or “just” being nice, or “just” affection. Or just as easily, they could be 100% D/s in another relationship without DD. Yet, I can feel our power exchange through them because of the intentions behind them, and because having DD in place enables me to trust in our dynamic enough to let go and feel it. And while these things may seem small, the power exchange that I feel from them can be BIG sometimes. However, for me, they only feel big when we have DD solidly in place.
In vanilla to D/s relationships, it seems common for new Dominants to struggle with the disciplinary side of D/s more than other aspects. It can seem harsh to punish the person you love when you don’t fully understand how much it means to them. Of course society teaches us that it’s not how loving partners are ‘supposed to’ interact. CD wrote about how hearing me cry was really hard early on. In some ways it seemed to feel contradictory to his natural inclinations to take care of me and protect me. I suspect that for many D-types, it’s easy for them to trust that they are leading a relationship without punishment. I think for CD, he knew that I’d do what I could to try to listen to him and let him make decisions. So doesn’t that mean he’s in charge? Of course it does! But this isn’t about “doing enough” to actually be in charge, it’s about interacting in the right ways for my DD-focused submissive brain to feel it. I think CD and I got lucky that we sort of stumbled into consistency with our DD and then seeing how big of an impact that had on the rest of our D/s. I think him ‘unlocking me’ through consistent discipline is what helped to unlock more of his needs as my Dominant. Seeing me let go, seeing me get more open and vulnerable, secure and happy, is what made him more confident in his own Dominance as a result of seeing it’s a positive impact on me.
It led us to see how when we have rules and consistent consequences we can feel our D/s in truly anything that I do to serve him, to support his leadership, to trust him, to look to him, to love him. And in anything he does to guide me, protect me, watch over me, lead me, serve me, and love me. That bulleted list above is just a tiny snippet of examples of how we feel our D/s sometimes. It doesn’t mean that these interactions are always overflowing with feelings of D/s, they aren’t, but they can be sometimes, when we are both ‘in the moment’ and being intentional with each other, we can feel D/s in the smallest of ways. Many of those types of behaviors existed “before we were D/s” and yet I didn’t see them very clearly…or didn’t feel them as strongly as I do now, because my heart was still locked in a cage that needed DD to let it out. I needed DD to give me the confidence in our relationship style so that I could let more submission out, to let myself fully relax into my place in our relationship.
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