Modest Hamster

The confessions of when you're 23

[modesthamster]

I've been tired from the minute I woke I stopped listening the moment you spoke and said I'm long gone yeah, I'm long gone And I'm sleeping alone in a house I don't own cause if you're touring your mind you'll get lost every time

Margot & The Nuclear So & So's

[coldtoesonthecoldfloor]

[modesthamster]

Contrast. 1

There is something to be said for childhood, the amount of time you spend questioning everything. Being free of rent, endless jobs, and responsibility. But the same time you have very little control of anything. Such a controlled existence can be just as mundane. Shaun looked over at his little brother who was still asleep, It was almost noon. He smiled a little, remembering when he spent his summers the same way. No point in getting him up now, who knows how late he was up. Shaun had been up late too, but not by choice. He wished he could so innocently sleep in. But mom had a doctors appointment. A depressing confirmation, she wanted to be left alone. Nothing he could say or do- but try and explain it to his brother the best he could. Maybe a note would be best, he could read it over and look at it again maybe after the shock wore off. I mean they both knew she was sick but neither had taken it to heart. Luka looked down at her hands- filthy. She cringed, she had nothing to wipe them on. Her jeans ripped and shirt over sized. The noon sun was beating down on her pale skin and snarly black hair. She had been walking for hours now. She had slipped out of her room around 8 and went on an adventure. She had calculated the train station was only about 8 miles from her house. She could see the clock tower in the distance. She had tried to avoid taking the pedestrian bridge over the thruway, but it hadn't worked out. She had to go the long way. Grey stretched, nothing like summer vacation. No curfew- he had stayed up late watching Lord of the Rings. His mom normally would have cut him off around 11, but last night she must have slept through it. He got dressed and grabbed his basketball, with hopes of locating his brother after eating. The house felt empty, the curtains were closed. He glanced at the calendar on the fridge and saw she had an appointment this morning. Maybe she had some errands to run, he turned back to the table and saw a note. The hair on the back of his neck raised. No, no, no. He cringed- feeling deja vu. Luka approached the circle driveway in front of the abandoned train station, it was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. She glanced around, shrinking alittle. The houses in the neighborhood around were looking more abandoned than the strain station. Towels hung in windows- tarps on the roofs. Broken glass every few feet. It reminded her a little of what she had seen in some area's of New York city. But this was different, she had never been so close to such poverty. This rust belt city her mom had called home wasn't as shiny as NYC, but she liked the freedom. The emptiness in comparison. Luka marveled over the size of it as she got closer, she had never see seen such a beautiful abandoned building. It was everything she had hoped of. She started to run towards it, she hadn't been this excited about anything in years. Maybe ever. She cautiously slowed as she approached the first major opening. She hadn't seen anyone yet, it really was abandoned. Stepping in under the shelter she felt the cool of the shade. Piles of garbage and dumped furniture decorated the vast room. The light was even more pretty shinning through the broken glass windows. She looked up, seeing a long cat walk. This wasn't the area she had seen in the music video, she had heard Iris was filmed here. Something about it always made her feel better, she had wanted to see it for herself. There was a brick wall that was covered in graffiti, she rubbed her fingers over it. Finally, finally she had done something right. With that she slide down with her back resting on the wall. She had all day to explore, now a little rest. Shaun held his hand up shielding the sun as he stepped out of his car. He had parked two blocks away and started towards the terminal. His faded greenback slung over his shoulder. With a quick glance around he walked into the side of the terminal. No one in sight. Some reason this was much easier in the middle of the day. He was the least of the cops worry anyways. There had been a lot of gang violence this summer, the press had named it the 'red summer'. His flip phone vibrated and he slipped it out and looked as he walked to his usual spot. 'late.' Shaun sighed, not even an ETA. He looked up, noticing something on the ground opposite of him . A dog? He reached back in his bag, gripping his small gun. Shit. He stepped closer, coughing alittle. It didn't move. He squinted, a child? He loosing his grip on the gun and slipped it in his hoodie pocket. Was she hurt? He looked down over her, she almost looked homeless. Her hair was remarkably matted, he had never seen anything like it, it obscured her face. Her shirt was much too large, and she looked dirty. He touched her shoulder, it was warm. He cleared his voice, "Wake up." She stirred, then jerked back, her eyes narrowing on him. Like a scared cat. She scrambled back clenching at the broken glass on the ground. "Hey, its okay. I didn't want to scare you. You can't sleep here, this is a dangerous place. You're lucky I found you kid." He reached a hand towards her. She didn't move, glaring intently. He sighed and squatted down next to her, "How long have you been here? Are you hungry?" "I don't need help" she hissed "Of course not" he couldn't help but smile. "You know- You sound just like my sister." She was silent. "Are you afraid of me?" "No. I know why you're here." He smirked again, "Oh really? Whats that? What about you?" She looked down at her feet as the tension left her face. "You're dealing drugs." She whispered. "Am I that obvious?" He laughed alittle. "Clearly I need a better place." "I'm here to find the observation deck" She still held a straight face. He started to question her age. So serious for a kid, maybe she wasn't quite as young as he thought. "Really? You can't get there easily. They keep the main terminal locked up." She looked more sullen now. "We can check the doors, I know what doors to check." He got up. "Arn't you going to miss you're deal" She glanced up at him. Her green eyes sharp, she didn't trust him. "They aren't going to show, come on!" He started further into the terminal. Luka looked around before starting to follow, it couldn't hurt. He clearly knew this place better than her. Shaun walked fast dodging broken bottles on the floor. Luka kept her eyes down, a dirty mattress and some used needles scattered in the dirt. She shivered thinking of how many people had used that bed. Unlike anything she had seen before. "Have you ever been here before?" Shaun asked casually as he tugged on the first door. She shook her head. "Its a weird place, honestly this is the slums. I feel bad for everyone around here." "Why don't they move?" She said blankly. He was taken back. "How could they? They have no money?" "Oh.." She looked down feeling stupid. "You're not from around here, huh?" "My mother was. I think." He headed towards the outdoors again, the doors were locked. "Do you know where?" He smiled looking over his shoulder. Luka was surprised as she blushed alittle as the sun hit his face. "Um, I don't really know. She worked at a hospital around here I guess." He started to list them off but nothing meant anything to her. She couldn't help but study the silver glow of his hair. She had never seen someone so young with silver hair already. He glanced back at her, "This one is locked too, i'm sorry kiddo. Were not getting in today." She looked up the side of the building, the done felt so far away. "Why don't you come with me? Theres someone I want you to meet." He smiled at her. "You're sister?" She didn't look away from the building. "No" he chuckled "My girlfriend would love to meet you." "What?" She hissed narrowing her eyes on him again. He laughed. "She's a hairdresser, She would love to, uh, work on you're hair." She shrugged, "Oh.." "She's really nice, plus she might know someone who could get us into the terminal." Luka perked up a little "really?" "She volunteers here a lot, collecting garbage mostly. She has meet the manager i'm pretty sure." "Okay." She turned "how far?" Shaun pulled out his phone, texting. Then put his phone to his ear. "I'm calling her now, my dad lives near by. We can meet her there-" "Liz! Hey, come meet me at my dads. -Yes! Right now, I made a new friend." He turned to Luka. "Ahh-her name is.. " "Luka" "Her name is Luka! Bring you're scissors. See you soon love!" And his phone smacked closed. "I'm parked down the street- I can drop you home after. Do you want to call your parents?" He held his phone out towards her. "No." "You sure?" She nodded and he tucked it back in his pocket. "Alright, this way." Luka followed closely looking around. This was possibly the stupidest thing she had ever done. Following some stranger to his house. Even worse, an dealer. But he had such an sincerity to him, she always had strong senses about people. Plus he had tried to let her call someone on his phone- if he was planning on hurting her he wouldn't have. He unlocked the doors to a small silver car and started to climb in. "Hop in!" She glanced around before climbing into the passenger seat. The car was cleaning than she anticipated- but it was old and it looked it. "Never been in a mercury cougar?" He laughed. "It's my moms really. My car is worse" She shrugged "my parents take Taxi's a lot." "Huh, do you live near the airport?" She shrugged and looked out the window. Her door was unlocked, No threat at all. She smiled a little. Maybe she made her first real friend, or she would regret this moment for the rest of her life.

[frankocean]

i don't owe you any explanation.

for anything. 

[modesthamster]

Repetition

All my favorite things. I read them over and over again. All my favorite songs I replay again and again. But some things only happen once. They circle in my head, haunted.

[pawntakesqueen]

We all have someone like Matthew Smith. We spend hours wondering and imagining. We look backwards to avoid going forwards.

- Lucky Them (IFC Films) X

[modesthamster]

This is the part that hit home. I've tried to find him; but you can't find someone who doesn't want to be found. At least I got to say i'm sorry.

[a-sad-little-poet-deactivated20]

She had an up close kind of beauty. Like, if you saw her in the street she wouldn’t necessarily catch your eye like in the movies. No, this girl wasn’t like that at all. You’d only see it when you were sitting alone with her, and you would have to listen and see how her words danced across her lips and how her eyes would light up even though they were quite dark at most times. This girl, this girl had the kind of beauty you can only see when you hear her and feel her and see her all at the same time until the speed at which she sounded and felt and looked all lined up and you got this dazed feeling and it just clicked and you really saw her.

What I wish someone saw in me (via perksofbeingaverytallflower)

#ifeelsoempty #you #no #longer #see #me #alone #23

[sickwithwritersblock]

The moment I knew I was truly alone was when I had something to tell but no one to tell it to.

excerpt from a book I’ll never write (via sickwithwritersblock)

#yesterday #night #fight #alone #gettingolderisnotfun #love

[betheshangrila]

Quotes. on We Heart It. http://weheartit.com/entry/85406605/via/Pipas09

[catyack]

[modesthamster]

My favorite MM poster..

[heroinwasmyhero]

I still love her. Loved her more when she used to be sober and I was kinder.

Modest Mouse - Bankrupt On Selling (via heroinwasmyhero)

[modesthamster]

Disappears.

The people who walk out in your time of need, close the door behind them. Then lock it and throw out the key. To the ones who can't ever apologize, let it go. Stop forgiving them, stop thinking about it. Just let them go. Not worth my stress, not worth my time. My mother had a heart attack. It was never you, You never care past your own need.

[modesthamster]

Haunted.

Sometimes you hurt the ones you love, and you never stop regretting it. I'm really bad at moving on. I'm sorry.

[modesthamster]

He Said.

(Our first christmas)

Me: you're my best friend

Him: I just can't say the same

Me: Should I be worried?

Him: No, we are just friends.

Him: what would you do if we ever met?

Her: dance

Him: what else

Her: watch a movie

Him: what would you reallly want to do?

(Being bullied)

Me: She is saying such awful things about us..

Him: It's your problem, I'm not getting involved.

(Moving in with bullies friends)

Me: It's so scary here, can we talk for a bit?

Him: it's been a week now, get over it.

Me: it's my first night here..

Please

(Regarding our passed away pet)

Me: I'm sorry, I'm just so lonely right now.

Him: It's like your hearts a black hole.

(The break-up: 3 years later)

Him: what do you want me to do?

Me: fight for me

Him: fight for what?

[modesthamster]

1 year later.

So it's been a year since my last post. Not uncommon. Once again I feel the tide of change creeping up on me. I don't know what or how, but I'm afraid. In my life I seem to go through themes. Right now its "Be brave." I'm just so done with being second, to myself and everyone around me. I just want someone in my life, who for once, pick me over everyone. Something I have been doing ever since I can remember. It's lonely out here. So I want to go back, and because no one is reading this start from the beginning of my twisted experiences, that have led me to where I am today. Not sure where to start, so the end makes the most sense. Please hold all judgement till the end. I appreciate your time.

[modesthamster]

So much has changed, but i wont apologize for who I love, who I respect, or how I feel. No matter how offensive you find it.

[modesthamster]

When you see true love between two people, it warms your souls.. But also breaks your heart.