Rants and Babbles

[moeusom]

So I just got back from ED treatment like ,3 weeks ago, right? My sister hasn't really been talking to me bc I think she's mad that I didn't get better there😑 but I just asked her if my ED annoyed her, & she said "sometimes" 😶 wtf

Like, I get it, but also, what? I was saying how I didn't get better, but my anxiety, depression, & ED got worse while I was there (I'm not trying to put anyone off if treatment, I got to watch a lot of strong people make big progress in their recovery, & I'm very grateful I got to witness that) but I myself, am very stubborn, & so is my ED. But she doesn't get how debilitating that can be. So I'll give her the benefit of the doubt.

But I still have feelings about this, and I'm still kind of pissed. Like, how dare you tell me my debilitating & literally life threatening mental illness is annoying you? To be fair tho, I did ask the question. I just didn't like the answer.

Ps, feel free to interact with this post & let me know how you'd feel in this situation 😭

[moeusom]

I'm so sick of this shit.

Sometimes I just wanna ask ppl "can you see my bones yet?" Even tho I know that would make me feel skinny enough 🙄

Why can't the mirror just lie to me and tell me i look like a rotting corps, cause apparently that's the only acceptable way for me to look in my own eyes😑

[moeusom]

Is it bad that I feel happy/proud when one of my family members mention something about me being too skinny, or thinking I have anorexia (I'm not quite there)? Bc when I look in the mirror, I see the weight and skin that I want to get rid of, but everyone thinks they can see my bones now🤨 (I think they see me sucking in and assume that's just how I look.)

On another note, I'm on vacation rn, and have eaten at least once every day so far, and have thrown up at least half of every meal everyday 😑 I feel like when I eat my mind panics, thinking I'm getting better or something (God forbid 🙄) and then I have to remind myself how many times I've cried and purged over food in 1 day, just to feel better/sick

Is this just something I do? Or is it a mutual thing 😭

[moeusom]

Does anyone else ever just feel the need to purge/throwup, even though there's nothing in your stomach? Or have something small like peanut butter or something just so you can get rid of it and feel better? Or have I finally hit rock bottom:/

[moeusom]

I've been so excited for Christmas, because our tradition is making the best tortellini ever, and it's my favorite dish in the world. But now that it's tomorrow, I'm scared that my ed is gonna take over and ruin everything 😭 I've been starving all week/month in preparation for tomorrow so I wouldn't feel bad about it, but now I'm terrified 💀

[introvertsnation]

[moeusom]

UUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHH

Thank you for listening to my TED talk:)

[moeusom]

I found out from a friend that anger isn't everyone's first reaction to sh🤨 Like, what? Ppl can be comforting instead of being mad at me? I also found out that you can go to ppl when you feel like or already have relapsed with sh🤯 Honestly, I feel like I'm being a bit dramatic with this reaction, but still. It's not like anyone really yells at me *anymore* when they see a scar that wasn't there before, they kinda just give me an angry/disappointed look and rais their voice a bit asking "why would you do that?! You know you shouldn't do that!" But they don't really yell anymore :/

Anywaysss, just wanted to share my surprise ig🤷‍♀️

[moeusom]

Does crying or suppressing crying make anyone else feel nauseous? Bc this shit sucks. I was fine until I thought about it😑

[moeusom]

Has anyone else ever relapsed with sh, and instead of being like "shit, wtf did i do that? If someone sees I'm fucked" your like "wait, that looks cool as fuck. I'm probably gonna regret that, but at least is looks sick"?

Or am I just losing it😑

[moeusom]

Does anyone else ever relapse with one thing, and it just collapses everything else, and then suddenly you're rapidly declining from all (if any) of the progress you've made?

I feel like it's just one thing after the other right now; like everything it resurfacing after the other. And it's not like I was really doing much better in terms of mentally, but I was clean from things, and they just keep coming back.

[moeusom]

Thanksgiving low-key gives me anxiety now😶

[moeusom]

Does anyone else have days where you're like " oh yea! I can totally have lunch today AND eat dinner with my family! There will definitely NOT be repercussions for that!" But then said lunch tastes bad and suddenly you realize that you just ate food, and you promised to eat with your family that day, and now the eating disorder you thought you could pretend doesn't exist for ONE DAY, is suddenly the only thing on your mind, and food is the enemy again?

Or it just me🥲

(Basically just the long way of saying I'm delusional)

[moeusom]

Why is it that I have a mental fucking breakdown anytime I eat anything? Why the fuck does my body complmpletly turn on me and look fucking ridiculous in the mirror when I ate probably less than a normal human eats daily, but for some reason it's too much for me? How does one gain 5-10 pounds from a meal and a few snacks, even after purging? I just don't get why I have to be the way that I am sometimes. Even while knowing that it's my fault for being this way because it's my choice to keep being miserable over something so stupid as the way I look.

[moeusom]

Why do everyday tasks seem to be getting harder and harder? It's just the simplest things. I can't go to sleep or wake up at a decent time anymore, I have to sit and gather enough energy to go do the dishes everyday, my laundry piles up because I can only stay on top of it a few days at a time, but once it's all done, I have two more piles to put away. I don't want to to leave the house because then I'll have to shower later, and even showering has become something I dread doing throughout the day.

Why?

Why won't this feeling of nothing and dread go away?

[moeusom]

Why does eating feel like I'm going to war with myself? Because, when I don't eat, I feel a twisted version of proud, but I don't have the energy to walk through the living room or spend time with the people I love. But if I do eat, I feel like a failure, and am too busy feeling shitty and sorry for myself to be with the one's I love. Deep down, I know that I need it to survive, if not for myself, then for my family. But it's still a stupidly hard thing to do.

[moeusom]

Sometimes, you just need one of those friends who will just sit and hold you when it hurts to just be. But what do you do when you don't have one of those friends? What if all of your closest friends live at least 5 states away, and are moving on without you? What happens when they all have eachother and you just have yourself?