Remember that theme for Peyton Sawyer in One Tree Hill, “People Always Leave”? One Tree Hill is a show I hold close to my heart and have seen at least five or six times all the way through, but I never fully understood why her character meant so much to me. Yeah, I knew she was adopted like I am but it never fully clicked, that is until I came out of the fog about my adoption.
If you’re not an adoptee, you may not understand what coming out of the fog is. It basically means that you come to terms of what your adoption means and your feelings towards it. We’re told to be grateful, that we’re lucky, that we got this amazing life but, we all realize we were separated or abandoned by our biological family, RIGHT? Whatever the circumstances were, you’re still not with the family who created you, and that kinda sucks. Even if you were technically better off being adopted. That’s trauma. It’s heartbreaking.
You miss out on so much and you’re always wondering why you feel so different. Why you don’t feel like you fit in anywhere.
And let’s be real here, Peyton Sawyer is not the only adoptee or adoption or abandonment story in a TV show or movie. There’s so many. Bones, This Is Us, Call The Midwife, and so many more that have storylines on this. And if there’s one that specifically applies to you or you feel more connected to, I’d love to hear about it.
But Peyton’s for me hits closer to me because I see a lot of myself in her. Grew up as an only child. Blonde curly hair. Our personalities. How she copes even with grief and hardships. I see it.
Anyway, back to Peyton’s storyline. Peyton was dealing with the loss of her adoptive mother because she ran a red light and was killed. Her adoptive father had a job that required him to be away a lot. She finally meets her biological mother who eventually dies from cancer. Her biological father is a drunk. She meets her half brother. People in her life came and went and the pain of losing both mothers in her life hits differently for me now. The realization that I one day will lose both of my mothers. Even in the joy that adoption brings for the parents, it’s tragic for the child. We have to go through double the grief and heartbreak.
Our stories do differ in one area. It is that she didn’t know she was adopted growing up and finding it out when she was a teenager. Not a great time to find out. We all know being a teenager is hard. I’m fortunate that I knew my whole life. My adoptive parents did do that right. Not telling your kid they were adopted is like trying to hide a dirty secret or dirty laundry. Really not okay. We’re not here for your pride or to be a replacement child when we didn’t have a choice on who raised us or even being born.
It’s no wonder adoptees have trust and abandonment issues. And in the show, it plays out that way a lot for her. People coming and going, dying even. And yeah, most people would say that’s a part of life or maybe think it’s a little sad. But it’s a whole other level for her and me. I truly feel her pain and relate so hard. This show helped me see that.
It helps me know that I’m not alone in how I feel, even if people come and go in my life. And I have, especially during the pandemic. It’s been hard to let go of people I thought would always be in my life or maybe the possibility of entering my life. It’s hard to know that I’ll never fully develop a connection to my biological family in a way you develop family relationships over a lifetime. Maybe that’ll change or maybe it won’t. I can’t answer that, but I hope it does.
But I am trying though. Peyton did too. We had open (but protected and sometimes tough exteriors) hearts to let people in, even if they left or hurt us. We’re constantly nursing our broken hearts, hoping that someday that we can heal and move on but if only it were that easy.
But the ones who stayed are the ones who we hold so close. That’s tragic the beauty of all this pain. We can see easily who’s important to us and who’s only here for a period of time.
I have a handful of people in my life who I call my close circle. Like the quote from the movie Lilo & Stitch “This is my family. I found it, all on my own. It’s little, and broken, but still good. Yeah, still good.”
And if you’re reading this as a friend or family member of an adoptee and you’ve stayed in their lives in a positive way and are close, know the immense amount of trust and fondness we have in you.
So if you’re an adoptee who’s just coming out of the fog, late discovery, dealing with loss, abandonment, just know you’re not crazy for feeling the way you do.
There is beauty and you’re part of that beauty.
Hold onto the people who stay, they’re the realest.
And most importantly, know you’re loved. ❤️
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