summary: as a dark curse forces you to choose between murder and self-destruction, sam must finally confront his feelings before he loses you for good.
requested by: @sofibuddy (link to the request here).
fandom: supernatural. // set during season 2.
pairing: sam winchester x f!reader.
word count: 16.493.
genre: angst, drama, fluff.
tags & warnings: friends to lovers, hurt/comfort, mentions of past trauma (not sa), yearning, mutual pining, protective sam winchester, oblivious sam winchester, (bonus: dean acts like your big brother).
Content Warning: This drabble contains themes of emotional vulnerability, anxiety and overthinking, fear of abandonment, and relationship conflict following a heated argument. It includes intense emotional intimacy, physical closeness used for comfort, and discussions of self-blame and fear of loss. Reader is gender neutral.
Sam’s been staring at the bunker ceiling so long the cracks have started to look like maps.
He’s memorised them. Every turn, every shadow. Anything to keep his mind from replaying the fight for the hundredth time, but it does anyway, relentless. Your voice, sharp with adrenaline. His own, too loud, too tight. The way you waved it off like stepping into danger for him was nothing. Like you were nothing.
That’s the part that hollowed him out.
You’d said it was stupid. That you were just keeping him safe. And God — Sam knows you meant it as reassurance, but all he heard was how easily you’d put yourself in the line of fire. How casually you’d accept a world where you were the one who didn’t make it back.
He turns onto his side, chest tight, throat burning.
He never wanted to fight. Never wanted to sound angry. He wanted to say I love you too much for this, but fear came out instead — fear dressed up as frustration, as control, as words that landed wrong.
What if he pushed you too far?
What if this is how it starts? The distance, the silence, the moment where you decide loving him costs too much?
The thought makes his stomach drop.
Two hours later, he’s on his feet without remembering deciding to move. Barefoot in the hallway. Hands shaking. He stops outside your door and just… stands there. Forehead almost touching the it. Like if he presses close enough, he’ll hear you breathing and know he hasn’t already lost you.
He knocks. Soft. Almost nothing.
When you open the door, the light spills into the hall — and he breaks.
He doesn’t explain. Doesn’t apologise yet. Doesn’t trust himself to speak without shattering. He just steps forward and pulls you into him, arms wrapping around you like a reflex he forgot he had. Like his body knows what to do even when his head doesn’t.
You fit against him perfectly. Warm. Real.
“Oh,” you murmur, surprised. “Sam?”
His breath stutters against your hair. He buries his face there, eyes squeezed shut, holding you like the ground might give out if he doesn’t. You smell like laundry soap and something familiar that makes his chest ache in the worst, best way.
“I’m sorry,” he says finally, voice rough and small. “I’m so sorry.”
Before you can answer, he lifts you and carries you to the bed like he’s afraid letting go will undo him. He sits, then folds into you completely, curling in on himself with his face pressed to your chest, arms locked around your waist. All that height and strength drawn inward, like he’s trying to disappear into you.
“I didn’t mean to yell,” he says, words tumbling out now. “I didn’t mean to make it sound like I don’t trust you. I do. I trust you with my life. That’s the problem.”
You thread your fingers through his hair, slow and grounding. He exhales at the touch like it’s oxygen.
“You scared me,” he admits, voice cracking. “And then I thought… what if I scared you. What if I’m the reason you leave.” His grip tightens. “Please don’t hate me. Please don’t walk away. I can’t—” He swallows hard. “I can’t lose you.”
Your heart clenches.
“Sam,” you whisper, tilting your head so your chin rests against his. “Baby. Look at me.”
He hesitates, then lifts his face. His eyes are glassy, vulnerable in a way he hates showing — too open, too honest.
“Where is this coming from?” you ask gently.
“I adore you,” he says, like it’s a confession he’s been holding back too long. “And the idea that something happens to you because of me — because you were protecting me — it kills me. I don’t want a world where you’re not in it.”
You pull him back down, cradling his head to your chest, rocking him slightly. “I’m not going anywhere,” you promise. “I love you. I was trying to protect you, not leave you behind.”
He lets out a long, shaky breath, like relief hitting him all at once. His body slowly unwinds, tension bleeding out of him inch by inch.
“Okay,” he murmurs. “Okay.”
You kiss his hair. Once. Twice. As many times as it takes. He stays curled into you, fingers fisting gently in your shirt, like he’s anchoring himself to something solid.
For the rest of the night, the world stays quiet. No monsters. No fights. Just Sam breathing against your chest, finally steady again — holding on, and believing you’re staying.
you’re the oracle in the dark, babe. the seer, the witch, the one who feels too much and sees even more. your scorpio moon and cancer sun/mercury/jupiter combo gives you this uncanny ability to read the room, the wound, the person, the lie—before they even speak. you’re supernatural, but quietly so. subtle. maybe you were born like this, or maybe you were claimed by something when you were too young to remember.
you don’t hunt the way the winchesters do. you’re not out here breaking down doors and firing salt rounds. you clean up the aftermath. you ease dying spirits into rest. you sit with the grief, whisper through veils, and leave offerings for gods nobody worships anymore. you're the one they call when the haunting is personal.
and when dean first hears about you, it’s through whispers — “she’s not a hunter, but she gets results.”
✧ what he's like .ᐣ
the guard dog with a bleeding heart. his aquarius sun and mars make him a strategic thinker, distant at times, always scanning for danger. his sagittarius moon/venus/neptune means he wants freedom, thrill, escape — but also truth, meaning, and someone who won't crumble when they see his worst. leo rising keeps the armor in place, and that capricorn mercury makes him overthink every damn feeling he’s ever had.
he’s the man who saves people because saving himself feels impossible.
✧ first meeting + first impression
a case brings him to your doorstep — a little farmhouse outside of town, candles burning in every window, too many cats, no cell service. something about the ghost they’re tracking points to “local psychic,” and sam’s already halfway up the porch when dean mutters, “great. another crystal-hugger.”
then you open the door. and his world goes quiet.
you don’t flinch at the guns. you don’t blink at the name “winchester.” you just look him dead in the eye and say, “you’ve been dreaming of her again. the red-eyed one.” and his blood runs cold.
his first thought? she's trouble. real trouble.
his second? and i want to know everything.
ꔛ. friendship compatibility,
✧ how it'd begin ...
begrudging alliance. you don’t trust him. he doesn’t trust you. but the case forces you into a temporary truce—and over late nights, trauma-sharing, and too much whiskey, the walls come down inch by inch. you patch his arm when it’s torn open by a spirit, and he realizes you’ve got hands that heal and eyes that see right through him.
he doesn't remember the last time he felt safe around someone who didn’t flinch when he raised his voice.
✧ the friendship dynamic
soul-deep and infuriating. your scorpio moon demands honesty. his aquarius sun runs from it. you pull, he resists, and then one night he breaks—spills all the darkness, all the rot, and you just sit there, listening like he’s telling you your own story.
you don’t judge. you understand. and that’s how the friendship sticks.
✧ quirks + fun things
☆ he teaches you how to shoot. you enchant his bullets in return. neither of you says “thank you,” but it’s understood.
☆ you always know when he's lying, which drives him insane.
☆ he pretends not to believe in your rituals but sleeps easier when you light a protection candle on his nightstand.
ꔛ. romantic compatibility,
✧ are you compatible .ᐣ first steps .ᐣ
you’re magnetic in ways that scare him. he tries to stay away. really, he does. but you crack him open without even trying.
your leo mars + virgo venus pulls him in like gravity. he’s not used to someone who gives so much and still expects nothing. he’s used to performing, and you’re just… you. quiet, intense, nurturing without being soft. dangerous in your own way.
he’s the one who breaks the tension. one night, after a close call, when you're cleaning blood off his chest and his hands are shaking from adrenaline, he kisses you like he’s drowning and you're air.
you kiss back like you’ve known it would happen since the stars were born.
✧ the relationship dynamic
slow-burn, all-consuming, high-stakes comfort. you argue because he refuses to feel, and you feel everything. you shut down when you’re overwhelmed, and he doesn’t always know how to reach you. but when it’s good?
it’s foreheads touching in the dark. it’s him carrying you out of burning buildings. it’s you sitting on the floor beside him during his worst moments and never looking away.
you don’t fix each other. but you keep each other alive.
✧ love languages ♡
him
physical touch (hand on your back in crowds, forehead kisses when he thinks you’re asleep)
words of affirmation (gruff compliments, whispered confessions he’ll deny later)
you
acts of service (spells for his nightmares, cooking something warm after a hunt)
quality time (quiet mornings, rituals, sacred silences)
ꔛ. scenario ⊱ ۫ ׅ ✧ hurt/comfort edition
you get hurt on a hunt. bad. too bad. ribs cracked, leg broken, spirit still half-attached. you’re delirious, sobbing, and whispering names of people long dead.
dean’s the one who carries you to the car, screaming for sam, hands slick with your blood, voice cracking as he begs you to stay awake. stay with him.
back at the motel, he won’t leave your side. he prays, which he hasn’t done in years. he stitches you up by candlelight, tears streaming silently down his face while your lips tremble through half-conscious chants of protection.
you wake up two days later. he’s asleep in the chair, gun in one hand, your necklace clutched in the other. you whisper his name and he jolts upright, eyes wild.
and when he sees you're okay? he breaks. just for a second. he puts his forehead to yours, breathes you in, and says, “don’t you ever do that to me again.”
you whisper, “then stop running.”
he doesn’t.
but he stays.
ꔛ. overall ゛ ⸝⸝.ᐟ⋆ 8.7 / 10
this isn’t easy. this isn’t simple. but it’s real. visceral. meant. you challenge each other in ways that hurt — but you grow. you survive. and more than anything, you see each other. all the darkness. all the damage. all the goddamn beauty in the cracks.
if you can both stop protecting your pain long enough to let the other in?
you’d be the love that finally sticks.
not perfect. not pretty.
but true.
ꔛ. navigation 𓂃˖ ࣪ all drabbles ; compatibility readings ; support my work .ᐟ
* since the birth time of dean hasn't ever been mentioned, I've placed him as a leo rising, since it's the sign that makes more sense to me.
The bunker was quiet, too quiet. Sam had gone off to chase a lead in Nebraska, leaving you and Dean to watch over the latest research pile that looked more like a hurricane had passed through than a library table.
Dean sat across from you, sleeves rolled up, a half-empty glass of whiskey at his elbow. His eyes weren’t on the lore book in front of him, they were on you.
You felt it. You always did. That quiet, watchful way he had of looking at people, like he was trying to memorize them before the world took them away.
“You’re thinking too loud again,” you said, eyes still on your laptop screen.
Dean smirked, the corner of his mouth twitching. “Yeah? Maybe I’m just enjoying the view.”
You rolled your eyes. “You’re supposed to be decoding a demon sigil, not flirting.”
He let out a low chuckle but didn’t argue. It had been like this for months, a careful balance between teasing and something unspoken. Ever since you joined the Winchesters on the road, you’d seen Dean through more than just monster hunts. Through his nightmares, the mark on his arm, and the guilt that chewed at him when the lights went out.
You’d also seen the way his gaze hardened whenever you talked to someone else, a hunter you met on a job, a cop who smiled too long. Dean never said anything, but his jaw would tighten, his words shorter, rougher.
That night was no different.
You’d been on the phone with Garth, laughing about an old hunt, when Dean stood up abruptly and poured himself another drink.
When you hung up, you found him leaning against the counter, eyes storm-dark.
“Something wrong?” you asked.
He shrugged. “Didn’t know Garth was that funny.”
You crossed your arms. “You jealous?”
Dean scoffed, but the muscle in his jaw twitched. “Me? Nah. Just wondering how you have time to chat when we’re supposed to be working.”
You stepped closer, voice soft. “Dean.”
He finally met your eyes, and for a second, the walls dropped. All the fear, the want, the guilt flickered there like a reflection in the bottom of a whiskey glass.
“You don’t get it,” he said quietly. “People leave, Y/N. Or they get killed. And I just… I can’t—”
You didn’t let him finish. You reached out, resting your hand over his. His skin was warm, rough, trembling slightly under yours.
“I’m not leaving,” you said. “Not unless you make me.”
For a moment, neither of you moved. The air between you felt heavy, charged. He looked at you like you were something fragile and dangerous all at once.
Then Dean’s voice dropped, barely above a whisper. “You shouldn’t make promises like that.”
“Why not?”
“Because I might start believing you.”
You smiled softly. “Then believe me.”
He didn’t kiss you l. Not yet. He just stayed there, close enough that his breath brushed your cheek, eyes locked on yours like he was trying to decide if he deserved this, deserved you.
And when he finally did lean in, it wasn’t perfect. It was hesitant, a little rough, like he was learning how to feel again. But it was real. All smoke, salt, and the faint taste of whiskey.
Later that night, as you sat together in the bunker’s dim light, the silence wasn’t heavy anymore. It was something else, something alive.
Dean reached out, brushed his thumb over your hand, and said quietly, “Guess I’m gonna have to start believing in good things again.”
CW: Near-death experience (drowning), PTSD, anxiety, throwing up, shock, swearing, please read my disclaimer before proceeding.
Synopsis: This fic is based off a Prompt in which a lovely anon asked for a Loki x reader in the wake of a near-death experience, in which they were trapped in a confined space slowly filling with water.
“I don’t like this. Something’s off.”
You furrowed your brow after you urged the words towards Loki, treading very carefully, piece in hand, aimed to follow your line of sight wherever you may inspect.
The sound of rushing water from the pipes lining the weeping stone walls may have been soothing, if you weren’t in a utility basement deep underneath a lakeside building, stepping through puddles, following a signal your team was tracking to retrieve a briefcase that’d been stolen from a murdered SHIELD Agent.
The incessant dripping of the leaky pipes into shallow puddles made you physically twitch your head to shake it off. To concentrate. “Do you see anything?” You spoke to Loki without turning your head.
“Nothing of use.”
“It’s probably in another part of the building,” you sighed, then began picking up broken chatter in your earpiece.
“Third floor clear,” Bucky confirmed.
“-nd fourth. Wan- and -have nothing,” Nat’s voice told the team.
Stabilising your flashlight atop your wrist and clicking it on, you rounded a corner into a larger, darker part of the basement. The floor was littered with waterlogged furniture, some of it half-heartedly pushed into a pile in the middle. “This must‘ve flooded recently,” you turned to Loki, who was looking over at a bookshelf. He narrowed his eyes in thought, so you casted a glance to where he was looking.
A small steady trickle was coming from under the shelf. Not behind - under. Which would be strange, unless… “We may have something. Can we get another set of eyes in the basement? My gut’s telling me something’s not right,” you spoke tensely into your earpiece.
“What- that ab- the -asement?” Bucky’s static-broken voice came back. You let out a breath of frustration.
“Damned stone walls,” you bit the side of your tongue, turning back to Loki. “Should we wait for backup, or check out this secret door?”
He gave you a cocky, but wary look. Evidently, his instincts were also running haywire like a compass in a magnet shop. His footfall made its way through the shallow puddles and his hands closed around the edge of the bookshelf, pushing aside the wooden furniture covered in soggy canvas and paper. It all but disintegrated against his strong shove, crumpling to a pile of rotten wood and nails.
Shining your light on the space behind the shelf, a metal sliding door with a thick latch glinted under the spotlight. You nodded to Loki, who grasped the latch and slid the out-of-place feature door over to the side. Revealing, behind it, an even darker hallway.
You shook your head. “I don’t like this.”
“Come now, you’re an Avenger,” Loki bumped his eyebrows, then turned to walk down it.
“Loki, wait,” you held out a hand, but he’d already stepped into the hall. “Dammit,” you cursed more under your breath and scurried after him, shining the light around the hallway until you spied another door at the end of the twenty foot expanse.
Loki walked carefully towards the other door, and Nat’s voice caught your ear as she called your name. “Down here!” You turned, averting your eyes from the floor. Mere seconds later, Loki stumbled in front of you.
“Agent!” He froze. You shone the light down to his foot and saw his step had depressed a stone further into the ground. It wasn’t a stone. It was a trigger plate. His head turned to you, his glare urgent. “Go.”
“I’m not leaving you.”
“I said, go!” He roared. His eyes darkened as he raised his hands which had begun to glow green. You gave him a warning look as to say, no way in hell are you telekinetically throwing me out of this hallway and living to tell the tale.
A screeching metal sound resounded behind you and you turned just in time to see the first metal door begin to quickly slide shut of its own volition. You ran towards it in a desperate attempt to figure out how to keep it open, but you merely caught a glimpse of Nat rounding the corner in time to see it shut you in. Then, it was silent.
“Don’t move, Loki,” you panted, trying to keep your cool as you searched the walls for an escape path. You shone the light upwards. The ceiling was low. Ten, maybe eleven feet tall. The walls about six feet apart. The entire hallway was one big stone tube, and there was no obvious way out.
“Agent,” Loki spoke again, and you heard a horrific gushing noise. Shining the light back towards Loki, you watched as a mound of water began sprouting up from the tile he’d stepped on. He retracted his foot and the mound grew to a solid spurting fountain, dumping gallons of water into the hallway with each passing second.
A loud pounding on the door, and the way it sounded like metal was clashing against itself, told you Bucky was probably beating against it trying to rip it open. Your socks became cold and wet and you looked down to see the hallway floor was already covered in a few inches of water.
“There’s gotta be another way out,” you called to Loki over the splashing of the growing stream pouring from beneath the ground. Loki turned and blasted his magic against a rock in the wall, but found, to your horror, it only created another large hole for water to pour through. “Okay, STOP!” You yelled, but that was obvious. There would soon be a foot of water covering the floor, creeping up your legs.
“I’ll blast the door!”
“NO!” You reached out and grabbed his forearm. “Our teammates are behind there, and it may bring this place caving in.”
“The other door then!”
The large stone next to the one that Loki had blasted then caved under the pressure of the water, doubling the size of the hole.
“No more blasting,” you said with an increasingly dry mouth. Trying to control how wide your eyes were getting, you held the flashlight towards the door and made your way through the rising knee-height water over to where the others were desperately trying to pry it open.
Icy cold water nipped at the skin around your lower thighs, completely infiltrating every nook and cranny of your skin, and you realised just how fast the water was rising. Your heart started pounding in your ribcage and you waded as fast as you could to the opposite end of the hallway, finding an identical metal door.
“Agent, I need to destroy it,” Loki yelled, his words nearly drowned by the sound. You shook your head.
Drowned. Is that what you’d be?
Swallowing the fear in your throat, you made your way as fast as you could through the now waist-height water back to the door you’d came in and began feeling around on it desperately. Running your hands along the walls, looking for any indication of a secret lever or latch. Loki was beside you in an instant, also looking for an exit. With a heavy breath, he looked over to you as the water lapped at your lower chest.
You raised your arms out of the water and felt hot, anxious tears prick your eyes. Running your fingers through your hair, trying to self-soothe, you suddenly grabbed hold of the back of your own neck and hid your face from view. The water began making your lungs feel cold and tight. Your breathing picked up in pace and you let out a desperate cry, releasing yourself to pound a fist against the door.
The tears fell before you could stop them, and the very real fear of death suddenly washed over you in a way it never had before. Or perhaps it was the frigid water taking your shoulders.
“NO!” You screamed, hitting the door over again.
“Hey- hey!” Loki grabbed your hand to prevent you from injuring it against the metal, spinning you to face him. “Calm yourself,” he ordered, but it wasn’t impatient. He released your wrists and took both sides of your face in his hands, wiping away a tear as you snivelled and shook from fear, trying to hang your head as the sobs overtook you.
“Not like this,” you begged Whoever may be listening. “Please, not like this.” The tears got the best of you and you tried to push yourself away from Loki, to spend your last moments not in desperate humiliation from a breakdown.
He didn’t let you be alone for this.
Wrapping his arms around you, he pulled you up to be held against his shoulder as you wept, feeling the water begin to splash into your ears. Your body shivered with the cold and shook with sobs as you clung to Loki and wondered if it was going to hurt. You wondered if you’d feel at peace after the first breath of water entered your lungs, or if you’d be panicking until the moment the last breath of air had left your body.
Loki pulled you higher, keeping your head above the water even as his own threatened to be submerged. You heard him splutter and spit out the murky lake, then wince as he finally found the need to begin treading water. Still with you in his arms, he kicked out against the metal door several times, finding it unrelenting. He kept treading in the rising water, and then your heads hit something. Looking up, seeing nothing with your flashlight long having sunk to the bottom of the hallway, you felt you only had maybe ten inches between the surface of the water and the ceiling.
“I’m sorry,” you cried, then took your final breath of air.
“Agent!” He scrambled for you as you pushed yourself away, unwilling to weigh him down if he could hold his breath for a supernatural long period of time and escape without you. He found your hand beneath the water and pulled you back into him, wrapping his arms tight and holding you close as the water rose above your heads.
Suddenly, it was mostly quiet. There was very little echo under the water, just your tangled bodies suspended there in the hallway as the water pressure mounted. Small bubbles trailed up your skin as slivers of air escaped from your nose and mouth. Loki’s hand found the back of your neck and cradled you close to him. In what you assumed to be one of your last ever thoughts, you wondered if Loki held you close because he wanted your last feeling to be comfort, or if maybe he just wanted to.
Then, as quickly as it was still and quiet, it was loud and tumultuous.
Your bodies were sucked towards the door, hitting against the metal. Loki’s hand slid up to shield your head, to pull you close into his protective hold as the metal door was finally pried open and the water spilled into the basement, spilling you two onto the floor with it.
The contents of the hallway created a mighty rush, but not mightier than Loki, who stood with you in his arms and shifted to hook a hand under your knees. Your lungs stung with the release of what was to be your final breath. You then dared to take another one, unsure if it would be water or air entering your body. The second the new air entered your lungs, you fell into a new bout of pained, anxious tears. Loki held you closer and ran out of the basement as fast as he safely could, taking three stairs at a time with a hysterical Agent in his arms.
You coughed and spluttered through your tears, the sting of the water exiting your nose and mouth and you greedily gulped air. Closing your fist around any piece of his clothing you could grasp, you let out a loud yet feeble cry against Loki’s shoulder before breaking down once more in sobs. His arms wrapped more securely around you as he bashed open the exit door with his shoulder, leaving the building and running towards the awaiting jet.
He dashed up the ramp and past the gob-smacked Banner who was seated in the cockpit. With a nod of his head, he motioned for the doctor to follow your soaking selves. Again with his shoulder, Loki blew open the door to the medical bay and leaned down to set you on the table. You were not having a bar of it. When he tried removing his arms from around you, you nearly shrieked, clinging tighter to him. Loki didn’t try again, simply sitting down with you in his lap as Bruce pulled over some examination supplies.
You felt cold. You felt alone, empty, like your brain had drowned in that hallway. Halfway somewhere else, halfway gone, all but your physical body had been consumed by the water.
“… -n shock-”
“-at are- -water and I- … -almost-”
You picked up shattered pieces of their conversation as the pressure built and released in your chest, your lungs taking air in tiny bursts, lest they try taking a deeper breath in to be met with the murky lake water. Gods, it was cold. Why else would you be shaking uncontrollably? Why else would you feel so numb, save for the overwhelming static tingling in your hands and feet. It was so dark, but you couldn’t bear to open your eyes. Was the jet spiralling down to crash, or was Loki spinning you around? Weightless, you felt. Maybe you weren’t even in the jet anymore.
Then, Loki’s hand met the side of your head, and you were elsewhere.
“I swear I’m not cheating,” you grinned as you took his rook with your bishop. “Maybe all Midgardian games aren’t a simple-minded as you think, Loki.”
“Insolent little wretch,” he huffed, but an impressed smile wove its way into his cheeks as you added the captured piece to your collection of his white marbled warriors, lined up against the side of the chess board.
“Do you want some more pointers?” You looked up at him. He caught that familiar flash of playfulness in your eye.
Oh, you were enjoying this way too much.
“Careful, mortal,” he chided, moving his remaining rook out to side-castle his King. “Check.”
Without looking back at the board, you smirked at him. “Mate in five.” You looked back down and placed your fingers on a pawn. “Watch.”
Loki furrowed his brow over the next flurry of moves, desperately doing what he could to prevent your prophesy from coming to fruition. But it was no use. You’d got him right where you needed to take out his remaining powerful defences, sacrificing your Queen in order to ultimately trap his King between a rook, a knight and a pawn (of all things). How poignant. The pawn capturing the royal.
“Yes, very well done,” he sighed as he laid down his King in surrender and you stood to refill the tea cups.
“I said I’d go easy on you if you wanted!” You called from the kitchen as you set the kettle to boil, leaning in the doorway to the living room.
“An unearned victory is a fate worse that defeat,” he said, and you almost believed him when he said it.
It’d been only two days that you and Loki had been left alone back at the Compound, just the two of you, while the others were out on a mission. You were stood down on doctor’s orders after receiving a minor concussion, and Loki had some business to tend to in New Asgard during the two-day briefing; it was a very delicate mission - no one unprepared allowed. Wanda and Vision had also taken some time off, but you’d heard something about them having a getaway to Tony’s lake house in Colorado. Or was it the one in Georgia?
“We could play an Asgardian game, if you want to teach one to me.”
“Not in your state, I’m afraid,” he reset the board with a tight sympathetic smile. “Besides, I can’t let you continue undefeated.”
A small burst of happiness bubbled in your chest as the kettle clicked off with a ding and you turned to make some fresh tea. It was hard to imagine a more wonderful day, with the snow falling against the windows, the sky covered in glowing clouds, a soft blanket to wrap yourself up in on the couch as you taught an Alien Prince how to have some innocent fun.
You passed him his fresh tea as you took the seat on the other side of the couch, board between you, and he thanked you with a nod. “I’ve figured out your trick with the knights. Don’t expect it to work again.”
“Hmm, we’ll see,” you narrowed your eyes and placed your tea on a coaster before rubbing your hands together and blowing on them to heat up the frosty tips.
Instead of making a deal of it, Loki summoned the fireplace to roar to life with a wave of his hand, moving his first pawn with the other. You looked up with a shy smile of thanks, but he was still looking at the board. It was such a simple act of intentional care, to make sure you were warm enough.
You laughed and joked over two more rounds, one of which you ended in less than ten minutes, before something in Loki’s brain finally clicked and he became much more of an opponent. After a long and well-fought battle, you checkmated him with four pieces left, him with three. You both laughed in the pure relief of the tense war coming to a close, and he reached his hand out for you to shake. Grinning, you closed your palm around his, then his face fell into something a little more sad.
“What’s wrong?” Your brow twitched.
“Agent, I need you to come closer,” he said, carefully using his magic to move the chess board to the table with the empty mugs.
“Loki, what‘re you…” Your breath caught in your throat as he closed another hand over yours and looked at you as if he were to deliver the news that someone had been lost. “You’re scaring me,” you whispered.
“Come here,” he tried to smile reassuringly. “I’m honoured this is a happy memory for you, but I’m afraid it’s time to come back to reality. The initial shock has worn off and-”
“W-what do you mean?” You winced, then looked outside again. It was raining. Wait, it hadn’t been snowing that day. It had been raining.
“Come here,” he nodded, pulling you closer. “You can trust me. I must be sure you don’t panic when you awaken in my arms.”
“Loki,” you sniffed, tears filling your eyes as you let him pull you against him, over his lap. “What happened to me?”
A gasp left you as you opened your eyes and tried to sit up, but Loki’s strong hold kept you against him. After breathing a little wildly for several seconds, you looked around to see you were in the medical bay of the jet, held close against Loki’s chest, his hand being slowly removed from the side of your head.
“I chose a memory I was involved in as to not pry about within your subconscious,” he explained. “You were… incoherent. In shock. I had to do something.”
“Shock is a medical event, Loki. I need-”
“That’s why your feet are elevated and I’ve been holding you still,” he interjected. “Banner advised as such.”
“I’m fine,” you mumbled, then made to sit up. You hadn’t really expected him to let you, but he did. Carefully turning you to take his place, he told you in no uncertain terms to keep your feet elevated. You laid back down asked him to pass you some water, but he said you weren’t yet allowed. Rolling your eyes, then closing them, you tried to will the mortified blush from your cheeks as you nonchalantly crossed your ankles in an attempt to trick yourself into thinking you chose to lounge about like this.
Loki didn’t leave the room, and he let out a bit of a wet cough. Peering out of one eye, you asked: “Are you okay?”
He looked at you, somewhat hesitantly. “I am,” he confirmed. You nodded in approval, relief, bitterness, whatever. Of course he was fine. He’s a god.
The ride home was thankfully short considering the dank lake water was starting to radiate its scent off your damp clothes, and you felt in desperate need to clean yourself of all sensory reminders of what’d just happened. Nearly happened… or, yes, happened.
Not willing to face the rest of the team and their concerned glances just yet, you lingered back after Bruce had cleared you and given instructions to take it easy, and to report to the medical bay at ten the next morning. You had barely any fight left in you, so you nodded in agreement and mumbled a thanks for his first aid.
“I’ve got it,” you gave Loki a tight smile and closed your hand around the strap of your bag over his shoulder. He relented, allowing you the dignity of pulling your weight. He did not, however, afford you the dignity of walking yourself to your room.
He followed you in, which made your brow furrow, but you slung your bag down on a chair and shoved your hands into your back pockets. “Thanks for your help,” you said quietly, not quite meeting his eye.
Loki, with that infuriating look of worry on his face, ducked his head to catch your gaze. “Are you okay?”
“I‘m so embarrassed,” you muttered in admission. Your still-slightly-shaking fingers brushed some stringy half-dried hair, grimy from the lake water, away from your forehead.
“You need not be,” Loki assured. The unusual softness in his tone, however comforting he meant it to be, only served to prove your point. The jig was up. They now all knew how delicate you were. Fragile. “There is no shame in trauma.”
“Trauma,” you barked out the laugh before you could stop it, wincing at his words. “Dammit, Loki. Can’t you just make fun of me or something?”
“Not today.”
“I’m fine,” you nodded, turning to pick up a towel from the shelf next to your bathroom door. “Thanks for your help.”
“I can stay.”
“You don’t have to.”
As you shut the door to the bathroom you felt the guilt nag at your chest. You sighed, leaning your back against the door before closing your fingers around the latch to lock it. But you paused, deciding you didn’t need to. Forgoing looking at yourself in the mirror - how you looked not being a question you needed answered - you walked over to turn on the shower.
It sprayed faster and harder than you’d ever remembered it to have done before. The loud spray startled you as it smacked and splattered against the frosted glass shower walls. An incessant drilling, it sounded like. You found yourself watching the water violently shoot from the minuscule holes of the shower head, fighting to be free, fighting against the pressure it was trapped in. Steam began filling the room as the water sloshed around on the shower floor. With your hand still holding the shower door open, small droplets shot out of the forming puddle and hit the fabric covering your shins and knees. Your pants were still damp anyway.
But the sound. Gods, the sound. Had water always sounded so abrasive? So ready to cut and cover and submerge? You physically shook your head and took a shaky breath in, scolding yourself for assigning violence to a thing. To water.
Come on, it’s just a shower, you scoffed silently to yourself. But it got louder. Or maybe it just became the only thing you could focus on. The steam billowed up and around the ceilings like a looming fog so you reached over and switched the fan on. See? Steam is water. It’s expanding to fill this space, that’s what water does, your mind told you. You swatted a hand out at the descending cloud of steam, swiping a scar through its swelling softness, watching how it so quickly healed itself. It creeped back to fill the space you’d created without a care in the world, without any consideration that you should also occupy this space.
Feeling your chest tighten, you harshly closed the shower door and turned to your sink to splash some cool water on your face. An innocent thing, an honest reaction that you’d used dozens of times to snap you out of a spiral. You cupped the cool water in your hands, and then held your breath to throw it against your skin. It hit your face with a ferocity, not one sliver of skin hidden, able to escape, and you gasped from the unexpected anxiety which surged through your stomach.
Your breath quickly became shallow coughs as you flung yourself back from the sink. The tap was still open, the water still gushing, why the hell was the shower so loud today?! Finding your back against the wall, you tried to take in a deeper breath, but the nausea began to bloom. Wincing, your body heaved with the desire to release your adrenaline and tension in any way it could.
Slamming your knees against the tile and your fists around the seat, you leaned over the toilet bowl and let your body have its well-deserved wretch. You shook with the force the anxious energy stripping away the contents of your stomach, spitting and grimacing between each feeble attempt to hold it back before it overtook you once again. You growled in frustration at the last one, then placed your forehead against your arm and let yourself whimper pathetically for a second, though you hardly heard it yourself. The water must be getting louder.
It was deafening now, drowning out any- gods, drowning. You’d almost just drowned. From that. From the water.
A presumed air bubble in the shower head made the thing hiss and splutter before sending out a wave of harder pressure. When it hit the shower wall directly next to your ear, you yelped from the loud surprise, then felt your chest tighten again. You reached up and yanked on the latch to flush the toilet, which just created the most awful sound that made your stomach church anew. Pushing yourself away from the toilet, you scrambled along the floor and reached up to turn the sink off. When you did, your hand connected with the powerful icy stream. You yelped again, retracting it and sniffing when your chest tightened further. Abandoning all hopes and plans, you fumbled for the door handle only to have it opened before your fingers truly closed around it.
The door opened inwards, whomever pushing it careful to not swing it with abandon lest the corner connected hard with your head. Kind of them, but you needed out now. Your fingers closed around the edge of the door, pulling it open forcefully. It hit your thigh hard, you’d left it in the way, but you shifted and flung it open before all but crawling out of the bathroom. You flipped to sit, scooting yourself backwards away from the open door, not having a single shred of desire to gaze up and see how Loki would be looking at you.
“I-I could’ve been naked and-an-and you just busted in,” you huffed, finding it hard to to ignore how your chest heaved with the labour of your breath. You still felt underwater.
Loki responded by entering your bathroom and turning off the tap, then turning down the shower to a soft and gentle stream. Standing to your feet, you busied yourself by pulling off your shoes and belt, making to get ready to undress. When Loki re-entered the room, you didn’t quite meet his eye.
“Perhaps try with the doors open,” he suggested, then look his leave. Your gaze could have bored holes into his skull as he retreated. Who the hell was he, telling you how to take a shower? You’re not Norse. He’s not your god.
Shutting the door to your room, and resisting the urge to slam it like a child, you turned back to the now less threatening sound of the shower. It still made your skin crawl, so you focused on the sound of the fabric being stripped from your skin, the feeling of the carpet beneath your toes. When you’d undressed and stepped back into the bathroom, you let yourself say you were only taking Loki’s advice to prove it wouldn’t work. So you left the bathroom door open, and when you stepped into the shower you left that door open too.
The breath caught in your throat as the near-hot water grazed one of your shoulders, spilling down one half of your body. After several seconds of that, your upper chest throbbed with the need to breath. So you, apparently instinctively, stepped out of the shower and took another breath in.
Ah. So this is how it was going to go.
In short bursts to make it bearable, you let yourself cope the way you needed to tonight by holding your breath whenever the water was touching your skin. Every time you stepped under the stream to lather your hair, your skin, wash it away, you winced with internal embarrassment for your body’s refusal to breathe in the shower stall itself. But after a few, long minutes, you were finally clean and rinsed.
Turning the shower off felt like finishing a marathon, with how out of breath and relieved you were that it was done. It didn’t feel like an achievement though. Or a victory. It was more like the first ever marathon, where the guy dropped dead at the end of it.
You dried your body but convinced yourself that not using a hairdryer could be an Important First Step in conquering this silly I’m not gonna breathe when water’s touching me thing. You told yourself it’d probably go away in a day or two, when the initial shock wears off.
That night, as to be expected, was fairly sleepless. Your heart was still beating anxiously, your body still physically reacting from the shock, even as you decided against leaving your room in favour of yoga and meditation before bed. You’d dimmed the lights, trying to practise the mindfulness you’d been working on, trying to not scold yourself too hard when your mind wandered. But when you crawled into bed just after midnight, it hadn’t felt as useful as it had previously.
Just after the second time you awoke in a cold sweat, after the second nightmare where you’d been back in that hallway, but alone this time, you scrambled out of bed into a heap on the floor when your body had wrongfully associated the sheets with a watery hand pulling you deeper. You hit the carpet hard, but it didn’t hurt that bad, only enough for a small groan of annoyance.
A very unexpected knock on your door made you wonder if you were still dreaming. Looking at your alarm clock, bleary-eyed, you saw it was barely past three in the morning. Who the hell-
“Agent?” Loki’s hushed baritone voice called through the door with another knock. Untangling your ankle from the sheets with a grumble, you stood and padded over to the door before opening it just a crack. Your face immediately softened when you saw the worried, paler-than-usual look on his face, and the way the hair around his temples seemed a little damp.
“What’s wrong?”
“You’re okay,” he breathed out, then nodded. “I just needed- I shouldn’t’ve left earlier I-… you’re okay,” he nodded again, deep breathing evident below his black long-sleeved shirt.
“Of course I’m okay,” you croaked out, sleepily rubbing an eye. “You don’t need to worry about me,” you tried to smile reassuringly.
He looked at you meaningfully, then nodded and, presumably, walked back to his room. You shut the door and paused for a minute, wondering if it was his first knock that’d awoken you, or if perhaps he was walking by and heard your noise of frustration, or if he’d been waiting to knock for a bit and only did when he heard you awake. Either way, it was a strange mix of annoying and comforting to have him looking out for you. You settled back into the sheets and thought about it as you dozed off once again, wondering if your friendship would’ve naturally reached this point without the near-death experience - the point where he seemed so protective.
It was hard to ignore the change in Loki over the next couple of days. How you seemed to catch him looking at you a bit more, how he’d relax when he saw you walk into the room, the way he volunteered to train with you a little faster than he usually did and, this time, without the teasing comment about teaching you a thing or two.
The darker part of you resented him for it. You were fine, you didn’t need him looking out for you as if you were a teacup about to be accidentally knocked off a bench. However, some small timid part of you relished in the knowledge that such a powerful being was watching over you. Yes, you were an Avenger, and they’d of course Avenge you if anything happened. But it was different with Loki.
Because where the Avengers would infiltrate, arrest and make the perpetrator pay in a court of law, something about the way Loki looked at you made you understand, in a new way, that he’d tear this world apart if it ever hurt you. It was odd, and perhaps a bit guilt-inducing; you didn’t want to be the reason Loki relapsed into his old ways.
But it was also oddly comforting.
The dust slowly settled as the days passed. Physically, medically, you were fine. Cleared to train as normal, cleared to be in the field, somehow avoiding a psych eval maybe through the steady and calm demeanour you’d somehow maintained when seeing Bruce the morning after it’d happened. You hadn’t mentioned the shower situation. You didn’t mention it at all over the next week, only promising yourself to bring it up with someone if you ever couldn’t get in. If you’d ever had to resort to a sponge-bath. It was probably the idea of having to admit such a thing that kept you getting in the shower day after day, even though your stomach went sour the second the water hit the glass.
Loki seemed okay. No better or worse than normal, except for those looks he’d give you - the analytical ones, the ones with pity and concern. It began to get under your skin after a week or so, so you began spending a little more time in your room. Reading, stretching, watching TV, catching up on reports. You knew you couldn’t hide too much, but a knock on your bedroom door a week after it happened told you you’d accidentally crossed that line into obviously not okay.
“Come in!” You called from your bed, looking up from your book. Loki swanned into the room as he usually did: like he owned the place. Without a hint of being out of place. You very consciously did not bite your lip nervously. “What’s up?”
“I’m going for a walk in the gardens. I’d like your company.”
You scoffed as you casted a glance out of your window. “It’s about to rain.”
Loki held out his hand and conjured a large black umbrella, then closed it to be sheathed as a rod by his side. Giving him an unimpressed look, you sat up and dog-earred your book before swinging your legs over the side of your bed.
“You’re being obvious,” you mumbled, sliding your socked feet into the sneakers you’d toed off when retreating to your bedroom earlier that afternoon. “The rain doesn’t scare me.”
“I never said it did.”
With a subtle roll of your eyes, a bite at the side of your tongue and a final tie of your laces, you stood and walked side-by-side with Loki out of the Compound. You didn’t say much of anything until you broke into the medium-sized vegetable garden off the path - one of Pepper’s initiatives; she read some article about the anxiety-reducing effects of gardening and said it would be good for those onsite to have a way to get their hands dirty which didn’t involve combat.
“See that patch there?” Loki nodded to a small plot of land, surrounded by a wooden ankle-height barrier. The mulch and soil was churned and bare. “My brother’s attempt at growing pumpkins, of all things.”
Loki chuckled. “He’s simply buried them and hoped for the best. He can hardly expect them to flourish without proper tending.” Wordlessly, Loki prompted you to take the umbrella from his hand and he then crouched before Thor’s rickety pumpkin patch.
“What’re you gonna magically grow them?” You sniffed, a half-grin into one cheek. Loki peered over his shoulder at you.
“An instant fix is no replacement for repetitive, intentional care.”
As Loki pulled a small weed from the patch and smoothed the soil, you felt your smile fall as his metaphor began taking root. “Seriously? Comparing me to a pumpkin?” You raised an eyebrow and flinched a little when the first few droplets of rain hit your head. Pulling up your hood, you reached over to unleash the umbrella. Loki stood as you lifted the black bloomed canvas above your head to shield yourself from the coming downpour. Wiping his hands, he stepped underneath and then took the handle for you to hold it himself, accomodate his height.
“You must tend to your trauma,” Loki said finally, solemnly.
“You have no right-”
“Then who does?” The underlying anger in his growling voice made you stop. “If not the person who nearly died with you, pray tell, who?”
The rain began hitting harder at the umbrella and the gravel around your feet. A steady pattering noise, one that had always brought you comfort, filled your ears much like the petrichor filled your nose. The earthy, stony aroma grounded you even as the sound of the water threatened to sweep you to some far away land. Feeling the urge to reach out and grab hold to the umbrella, to Loki, to anything, even Thor’s pumpkin seeds to anchor you, you crossed your arms in front of your chest and bored your gaze into Loki’s.
“I don’t know.”
It was a cop-out answer. It was a half-truth. The whole truth was that you knew you had to give someone the authority to worry about you, but the part you admitted to was true - you didn’t know who that should be.
“You can’t go on like this.”
“I didn’t ask for your help, Loki.”
“You’re free to leave at any time,” he set his jaw then nodded towards the main Compound. “I’m not holding you here against your will.”
“B-but-” You winced as the rain began beating harder. “I don’t have an umbrella and it’s like two hundred yards to the shelter.”
“You said you weren’t afraid of rain.”
“I’m not!” Unfolding your arms in defiance, you quickly folded them again as your movement put you into the path of some renegade raindrops. In a desperate move you swiped your hand at the umbrella, catching hold of the handle just above Loki’s grasp. Less than a second later his other hand was on top of yours, fingers curling around your grip. The realisation set in that you were holding onto something fake, something easily conjured away, and your stomach dropped. Exposing yourself be damned, you bit your lip and plead with a low whisper, “Don’t make it disappear.”
“I’d never do such a thing,” he assured. The worry in his voice was poorly masked by his air of steadiness. You nodded, then went to pull your hand away as thunder rumbled in the distance.
“Thor must be mad that you messed with his pumpkin patch,” you tried your hand at a lame joke to sidetrack your confession, but noticed Loki hadn’t let your hand go.
“The nightmares,” he ignored your joke, squinting a bit at you. “You get them too, don’t you.” It was more of a statement than a question. He was so confident that it made you wonder if you should start wearing a little something to conceal the dark circles under your eyes.
“Too?”
Loki took a deep, slow breath in through his nose and rubbed his thumb once over your fingers before settling back to stillness. “I’ve never known a fear like that. Being trapped in that hallway.” The rain picked up so he had to raise his voice slightly, to be heard. “Frankly…” He opened and close his mouth a few times, searching for the right word, then he sighed and looked at you honestly. Without a hint of shame in his voice, he confessed: “I was petrified.”
“B-but… you seem fine.”
“Fear does not manifest the same way for all. Rest assured, I‘ve not been at peace since that day.”
“Well, that doesn’t assure me,” you mumbled. “Just makes me feel kinda hopeless,” you sighed. “If you’re a god and you’re still feeling it, how is there any hope for me?”
“Perhaps we can help each other,” Loki offered. His voice was unusually timid, but the look in his eye as intense as ever. “Would you be willing to try?”
“Depends what you had in mind.”
“Nothing dastardly, I assure you. What if we met at the pool later this evening?”
You raised an eyebrow. “That sounds pretty dastardly,” you tried joking again, but a sudden shift in the wind brought the rain in diagonally and made you flinch. You grimaced and stepped away from it, stepping closer to Loki. His hand was still on yours. “But, yeah, okay,” you nodded, ignoring the myriad of thoughts and emotions flying through your head.
“Very well,” he motioned for you two to walk back to the Compound together, and you tried hard to not regret saying yes.
But there you were, just before eleven o’clock that night, very much regretting saying yes.
The temperature in the Compound was regulated so it never got extreme, but Autumn had well and truly begun and so the cool marble kept you quick on your bare feet as you scurried sneakily to the the indoor pool. The sneaking because it could look dastardly having a near-midnight rendezvous with the God of Mischief.
You’d gotten there a few minutes before you planned to meet him. On purpose. To get a lay of the land.
It looked the same as it always did - no more or less intimidating than before on the face of it, but it felt different. There was unease in the air. You’d been in it countless times to swim laps for cardio, for recovery, sometimes for fun. It’d never occurred to you, not once, any of those times, that you’d one day struggle to even look at the thing.
The ceiling of the room was high, the walls tiled like the floors and it was all echoey. The low hum of the filtration system was the dominant sound, considering the water was glassy and undisturbed. So you slung your towel down on the bench and approached the edge.
There was no shallow-end; it was all one depth. Avengers didn’t need shallow-ends. Or, they shouldn’t need them. The pool floor could lift and lower to accomodate different types of training if needed, but it seemed dramatic to lift it just for yourself, so you stared at a point on the floor of the pool where the tiles converged around a small filter, focusing on it until you heard the door open and Loki enter.
“You’re here,” he commented, mighty unhelpfully, you thought.
“Said I would be,” you shot back, then nodded to his clothes. “You swimming in that?”
He didn’t answer, he just emanated a green flash with hints of gold and was suddenly in nothing but what looked to be black tailored swim shorts. Your mouth went a little dry so you turned back to the water to have a reason to be a little nervous. You couldn’t help it though - you’d never seen that much of him. Gods, why didn’t he show it off more? The god was lean and muscular and domineering. He looked strong. As you stilled your beating hard, you focused on that strength. He wouldn’t let anything happen to you.
“What’s the plan, Loki?” You looked over at him again as he approached.
“I’m getting in the water, and you may join me if you so choose,” he said matter-of-factly, and then lowered himself down to the edge to slip into the pool with an impossible amount of grace. You took a step back, hardly believing he’d just done that.
When he surfaced, he pushed the hair from his face and treaded water as he looked around the room. Notably, not looking at you expectantly.
“S-so you’re just fine doing that, huh?” You crossed your arms and glowered down, he responded with a soft grin.
“You don’t have to get in.”
“Oh no,” you clicked your tongue and lowered yourself to sit by the edge. “Your reverse psychology isn’t working with me, mister God of Mischief.”
Loki chuckled as you sat and slipped your feet into the water, all the way up to your knees. Loki, sensing hesitation, swam over. You held your breath, this time for a different reason, as he slowly placed his hands on the edge of the pool, either side of your legs, and looked up at you with such understanding in his eyes.
“You don’t have to get in.”
And you knew he meant it. Not in a challenging way, not in a reverse psychology way, but in a way that made you know he wouldn’t rush you. Not one bit.
“Why are you doing this?” You blurted out before you had the wherewithal to not. “I know we’re friends, but this… this is beyond your call of duty. Helping a stupid mortal who‘s scared of the water after one bad experience-”
“Enough,” his voice was sharp, and it made you pause. “Enough of that. You’re not stupid,” he said firmly, and it almost made you nearly stutter out an apology. “And it wasn’t one bad experience; you very nearly lost your life. Because of me.”
Ah.
“Not because of you,” you argued. “It was a trap. You couldn’t have known.”
“You told me to wait.”
“You never listen to me,” you chuckled sadly.
“You didn’t leave me.”
“I didn’t want to.”
“See, now, that’s the problem,” Loki spoke in a low voice, as if it pained him. “I’ve somehow fooled you into thinking I’m something worth staying for.”
“Okay, now, enough from you,” you scoffed and planted your hands on the edge of the pool to scoot forward. “I trust you with my life, Loki,” you started, nearly at the edge now. He leaned back a bit. “And I know you won’t let me- woah!” You went a little too far, slipping into the water between the edge and Loki’s body, but his arm caught you around the waist before your head could go under.
You gasped and flung your arms around his shoulders, holding tight as you tried to steady your breathing and you listened to the churning around you. A small anxious breath burst through your lips as you tightened your grip.
“I’m sorry,” you choked out with a sniff, beginning to become more embarrassed that you’d thrown your half-naked self around a half-naked god, than you were afraid of slipping into this water. “S-sorry.” You went to turn to grab onto the side but Loki simply held you tighter with that one arm, allowing you to begin to relax against him.
“May we leave the edge?” He asked, his low voice rumbling close to your ear and through your chest and- oh, gods, your legs were around his waist. You’d actually wrapped your legs around his waist. This couldn’t be happening… but it was. So you nodded, and you knew he felt it.
With his free arm, Loki gently pushed away from the edge of the pool and brought you both several feet from the edge of it until you were surrounded by nothing to hold onto but each other.
“Might I point out that I’m not the one who turned this dastardly,” Loki attempted the joke, and it actually make you laugh even through your shaking.
“You’re the worst,” you mumbled, but you could tell he’d heard your grin. Braving it, you unwrapped your arms from his shoulders and slowly leaned back, looking down to avoid catching his gaze, but his arm was still around your waist. Your nervousness at his proximity would’ve been obvious if you couldn’t even look at him, so you lifted your eyes and tried to sound brave. “I-I think I can…” but the words were lost on your lips as your stare met his.
There was no doubt about it. He’d tear this world apart if it ever hurt you.
Quickly regaining your composure and resisting the urge to stay gazing deep into his striking blue eyes, to notice the way the droplets cling to his pale skin and sharp cheekbones, you started unwrapping your legs from his waist. “I’ll try on my own.”
Loki nodded and slid his hand, from where it was at your waist, across the length of your lower back until it fell off the edge of your other side. The way his fingertips brushed the skin above your hip made your mouth twitch into a ticklish-half grin. Loki caught the smile and the small flinch away, and his eyes sparkled with a mischievous understanding as his lips pulled into a faint smirk. He knew better than to explore such new-found information at this point in time. Still, it made your cheeks prick with heat that he’d noticed such a reaction.
Once you were completely separate from him, you began treading water. You felt vulnerable, small, easily overcome as you closed your eyes and moved your hands and feet to keep your head and shoulders hovering above the surface.
“Okay…” You breathed out, chest heaving with anxiety as you kept treading water, looking down at your own body moving around in the water. Then, the crying started. Choking out restrained cries of fear and anguish, you gritted your teeth and forced yourself to keep looking at the water. “Dammit,” you sniffed and coughed for a few seconds, before gritting your teeth harder. “Relax, just rehelax,” you said aloud, trying to release the tension in your shoulders, in your jaw, as you cried bitterly.
“Agent,” Loki was close in a second, holding a hand out to you.
“No, no,” you shook your head and closed your eyes. “I’m fine. Fine,” you cleared your throat, but your chest kept heaving. Then, the nausea came back. “Shit, Loki, I think I’m gonna throw up again,” you winced. “I’m sorry, sorry, shit,” you sniffed and coughed, turning to make your way to the edge.
“Hey,” he took your hand in his. The steady anchor immediately began sending waves of reassurance through you, alleviating the nausea, bringing your breath back to normal. It was noticeable. A little mortifying. But Loki didn‘t give any indication.
You two stayed there in the water, your hand in his, treading water in silence for several more minutes as you taught your body to not fear this thing. When you got to the point where the fear wasn’t overwhelming, you finally released the tense breath that was being held somewhere deep in your lungs, and Loki squeezed your hand reassuringly.
It seemed otherworldly, that this became a little routine. Most nights for the next weeks, you’d meet Loki at the pool. He still didn’t make fun of you as you wish he would have, but it slowly became less embarrassing to be doing this with him. It was hard to shy away from someone so determined, so patient with you. He never pressured or forced you, even on the harder days when you couldn’t get in.
Eventually, those harder days stopped happening, and you soon were able to get in without thinking too much about it. You’d never forget Loki’s look of surprise the first time, several weeks in, when he got to the pool to find you already in there.
“Brave thing,” he grinned before diving in with barely a splash. The noise of it still got to you a bit, but less than before. He surfaced next to you and flicked the water from his hair, still with that smirky grin he usually wore. “Tomorrow, let’s swim in your world’s waters,” Loki declared.
“O-oh... why?” You shifted, feeling a little queasy at the thought.
“Because we’re ready.”
It was that word, the we, that convinced you. He was in it with you.
So the next afternoon you met Loki at a car, signing out the self-driving vehicle and allowing him to punch in the directions for the place he had in mind. You were mostly quiet on the drive, busying yourself by playing with the hem of the jacket sticking out of your bag, or running your fingers along the towel, or adjusting your swimsuit as you sat in the backseat with him.
As you approached your destination on the overcast afternoon, the grey sky reflected off the lake in a new and beautiful way. It wasn’t a glittering sunlight that sparkled and shone, but it turned the water to a soft muted glow. It almost looked welcoming.
The car pulled to a small turnoff and halted itself on a gravel patch next to a grassy bank. It wasn’t an official stop-off point, but it looked to have been used by many people before you as a resting place for an impromptu swim. So you stepped out of the car with your stuff and Loki in tow, looking out across the water, feeling a pleasant lack of a tightened throat or a queasy knot in your stomach.
“I feel okay,” you nodded, a small smile of disbelief pulling into one of your cheeks. “I really do.” You turned to Loki then looked back at the water as you threw your towel down on the grass.
“Shall we, then?”
You’d be lying if you said your throat didn’t feel a little tight as you neared the edge of the water, even as you took your first steps in up to your ankles. “Jeez, that’s cold!” You sucked your teeth but kept walking, not wanting to give yourself the chance to back out.
“Might you want to slow down?” Loki chuckled nervously, wading in beside you as the water began to lap at your mid-thighs. You paused and took a deep breath in before submerging your hands in the autumn-laden lake. Swirling your hands around, letting the water kiss your wrists and flow between your fingers, you let that breath out and took another step.
Unfortunately, the water was dark enough that you hadn’t seen the abrupt drop-off. With a gasp, you stepped off into nothing and were suddenly entirely underwater. Shouts and splashes resounded around you before you felt two strong arms wrap around your waist and pull you back up into the shallower part.
“Are you okay?” Loki‘s nervous breath panted in your ear as you wiped the hair from your eyes. You were shaking, but with a wry smile you realised it was just from the cold. Placing a hand on Loki’s forearm and giving it a reassuring squeeze, you nodded.
“I’m okay.”
He released you hesitantly and you rubbed your goosebump-covered arms, a small blush blooming across your nose and cheeks as you tried to smooth your water-whipped hair. Looking back towards the deeper part, you gave one glance to Loki before turning to it again.
“You don’t have t-”
“I’m ready. This is my choice,” you nodded with a brave toothless smile, then took a deep breath and dove into the deep.
It welcomed you with open arms, besetting every inch of the skin you willingly surrendered to its call. Ceasing to shiver the second it surrounded you, the pre-winter water caressed and refreshed your bones, an all-encompassing experience. The vastness of the deep was only broken by the small bubbles leaving your nose as you rose back to the surface, and then its cover was blown open by your head breaking the swell, a cool breath filling your lungs at the moment of breakthrough. The breath was released immediately as you began treading water. The warm releasing air hit your lips and prompted you to grin as you made to turn around to marvel to Loki at your own fearlessness.
Instead of just a grin, also a surprised squeak left your delighted lips as Loki’s head broke the surface of the water right behind you. He’d followed your suit seconds after, breaking through the deep and flicking the hair from his eyes as he treaded water next to you. Like with most things, he made it look easy.
Your grin turned cheeky. “Told you I wasn’t scared.”
He half-grinned back, his a little mischievous. “That you did.”
Letting it fall silent, you let yourself take in the sounds of nature around you. Allowing the water to carry you, to hold you gently, you let your feet drift upwards and leaned back to be floating on your back. Your ears were below the water’s surface and so all you could hear was the strange pressure shifts from the depths, the close-by movement of Loki in the water near you, and your own heartbeat in your ears. It sounded calm. Your eyes closed and you took some deep breaths, letting yourself be proud of how far you’d come before dropping your feet back down and treading water.
“It feel strange,” you said to Loki, who was looking up at the sky. He casted his glance to you. “It feels new, but like déjà vu, being in the water like this without fear.”
“It does,” he agreed with a nod.
“It’s kind of the same old, same old now,” you bit you lip and looked around. Loki scoffed.
“Are you saying you’re bored?”
“Not bored, just… unenthused.” Something touched your foot and you gasped, kicking out as best you could against the nothingness. “Ew, I think there are eels in here,” you scrunched your nose and gave Loki an unhappy look. He grinned wider and winked, then the same feeling crossed along the bottom of your foot. You squeaked the time and scowled at him.
“Hey!” Another one against your ankle, another squeak. “H-how are you doing that?” You had to laugh as his magic manipulated the water around you, swiping at you with small tentacle-like spurts. He nodded to the water next to him and you watched a small stream shoot out, very much like an eel, wriggling and squirming through the air before hitting the lake and dissolving. He conjured a few more to nip around your legs and hands but you just smirked, the magician’s trick being revealed having assuaged your unease.
“Still bored?” He beguiled with a final burst of magic, shooting the smallest stream possible up to hit you in the back of the head.
“Lokihi!” You chuckled, then splashed him straight in the mouth. He turned and spat out some water and you shrugged. “You deserved that,” you chuckled again. “Just because I’ve conquered my fear, doesn’t mean you can be a pain in the a- PLBFF!” A splash to your own face made you recoil and laugh in shock. “Okay, that’s it!” You seethed with an incredulous smirk before splashing as hard as you could at Loki.
“Careful, Agent!” He warned with a chuckle before reaching out and seizing your wrists in his grasp. You knew a silly grin was plastered across your cheeks as you giggled at his uncharacteristically disheveled hair.
“Come on now, Loki,” you tilted your head with a sly wink as you gestured to your hands his grasp. “You wouldn’t do anything to me in the water after I worked so hard to conquer my fear?”
He choked, barked, out a laugh. “You must be cured if you‘re using it against me now,” he smirked and you felt those magical water eels nipping at your legs again.
“HEY!” You squeaked. They felt much more real this time, making you squirm in a strange discomfort. He used his magic to swipe the water along your hip and knee, then grinned as you squeaked once more at the absolute crowd of his magic swimming at your feet. You gave a breathy laugh and tugged on your wrists, ducking your head down to hide the fact you were biting your lip from the feeling of the magic swiping at your bare toes. It was the weirdest fluid sensation, but it was starting to get pretty ticklish. “L-Loki-” you sniffled and giggled, “Okay, cut it ouhout!”
“What for?” He asked, voice full of teasing mischief.
“Loki!” You squealed as the magic whipped and nipped at the backs of your knees. Your whole body wriggled against his hold on your wrists.
He chuckled. “What’s the matter, hmm?”
Before you could respond, one of those squiggling streams of manipulated water slid itself up under your arm. He knew what he was doing, the rat bastard. In clamping your arm shut with a surprised laugh, the action brought you even closer to Loki - who used the momentum and your distraction to slip one of his arms over your head, and spin you around so your back was flush against his chest with your wrists still in his hands. “You didn’t honestly expect I’d forget about your little sensitivities, did you?” With your arms crossed over your chest, being pinned against your shoulders, Loki chuckled deviously in your ear as he summoned his magic to attack your exposed belly.
“LOKIHI!” You yelled out and threw your head back against his shoulder as laughter bubbled over your lips from the feeling of a dozen little streams of hard water worming their way around your stomach. The spouts nestled into your skin until they broke under the pressure of your body, only for another to take its place seconds after. Snivelling and giggling hard, the maddeningly soft tickling weakened your resolve as you pulled on your wrists in Loki’s hands. “N-nuh-n-noho,” you squeaked and shut your eyes tight, trying to block out the squirming and nipping. It certainly wasn‘t unbearable, but probably as unbearable as water could be.
“I’m delighted you’re learning to find the fun in water again,” Loki chuckled as you squealed against the feeling of his magic targeting at your hips. “You seem to be enjoying yourself.” You could hear the shit-eating grin on his lips.
“Youhou’re soho RUDE!” You feel into new desperate giggles, bringing your knees up to curl in on yourself as a little water tentacle wiggled at your bellybutton.
“Tsk, not enjoying yourself?” He sighed dramatically. “I suppose I’ll have to get my hands dirty.”
He suddenly released your wrists, released his magic, and snatched you around the waist to keep you close as he wrapped you up and began pinching his fingers at the sides of your lowest ribs.
“Nuh-ho!” You shrieked with high-pitched giggles and jerked around in his grip. Your ability to flail, to gain momentum and leverage to fight him off, was severely diminished by the water resistance, so all your kicks were at half-speed.
Loki’s warm laughter rumbled through his chest and nuzzled into your back as he relentlessly pinched his fingers higher up your ribcage. A yelp left your lips before you shut your eyes and leaned further back into Loki’s chest, frantic laughter echoing off the surface of the lake as you pushed your hands at his forearms. He settled his fingers wide across your ribs, softly digging his fingertips against the bones and the susceptible gaps between them as you descended further into laughter and leaned even further back, your feet now breaking the surface as they kicked around in ticklish reaction.
“Honestly, Agent, this is a liability in the field,” he teased, tickling one hand down the length of your side to knead at your hip and force your splashing feet away from the surface of the water. “A mighty Avenger rendered a hopeless mess from this?” He circled his thumb against your hipbone and you screamed out, falling into loud belly-laughter as he continued on his course while beginning to slowly bring you two closer back to the shore.
“I cahan’t,” you wheezed out, curling your knees up to your chest in resignation as Loki scratched and squeezed at your hips. But now with your knees right there, he shot his hands through the water and looped them around the backs of your legs to keep you pinned in your curled-up position. “NOhoho!” You squealed and pushed against him even as he swam you both towards the shore. Not that you could see, with your eyes tightly shut. “Loki, I cahahan’t,” you sniffed through your near-silent laughter.
“Ah, bad spot?” He grinned against your ear and teasingly fluttered his fingers against where they sat wrapped around the underside of your thighs.
You screeched loud and thrashed in his arms, Loki letting out a surprised laugh at your reaction. Settling into a squealing hiccupy laughter, you hit your hands against his as you babbled your pleas for him to stop swiping his fingers against the hypersensitive skin.
“P-Pl-Lohok-LOKI-I cahan’t NAAH!” You shrieked and squeaked, giggling and squirming away as best you could until he eventually unwrapped his arms from where he was holding you and you paddled yourself away as fast you could. You let out the residual giggles and caught your breath, turning to catch Loki grinning over at where you where kneeling in the shallows. Your ticklish grin was quickly replaced with a fake-indignant scowl as you splashed the water hard at him. “Ahasshole!” You scoffed.
“Ah, haven’t had enough, have we?” He glowered mischievously and lunged for you, causing you to yell out and scurry backwards. His hand caught yours and he pulled you back into his arms. “Perhaps another fear you need my assistance in conquering?”
“No, thank you,” you muttered with a blush, squirming a bit until you realised he hadn’t resumed his playful torture. The cool late-afternoon air began biting at your ears and shoulders, and so you looked to your towels on the side of the road. Loki sensed this and stood with you in his arms, exposing your wet skin to the freezing air and causing you to yelp from the freezing shock. He chuckled and made some comments about Jotunheim as he hoisted you higher and waded towards the shore teasingly slowly. “Loki!” You squeaked again, shivering in his arms as he finally stepped out of the lake and released you to get dry.
A thought occurred to you. An idea you couldn‘t ignore or push aside.
“There’s one more thing I think I need to do,” you towelled off and stepped behind a tree to change into your dry clothes.
“That being…?”
“Uh... Just trust me,” you replied, stripping off and quickly pulling on the clean clothing before heading to the car with a skeptical demigod. Punching some directions into the self-driving AI’s GPS, you sat back in the seat and glanced to where Loki’s intense stare met your eye.
“Where are you taking us?” His demand was as such - a demand, but it was a soft curiosity.
“Just some place I used to go. You’ll have to wait and see.”
It wasn’t that far to the falls from the lake you’d swam in. Not nearly far enough for your mind to turn over on itself and convince you that you wouldn’t be okay there. It was important, you knew, to face the behemoth. The large mass of water. To stare it in the face and know you weren’t afraid.
Loki caught the sight of it out the window as you approached the lookout. It was still a grey and drizzly day, so the cliffside car park was empty as the car came to a stop. “Are you sure about this?”
You swallowed the lump in your throat and nodded, fingers closing around the door handle. “I need to. Being in the water was a lot of it, this- the sound... it’s what brings it all back.”
So you opened the door and the wall of noise hit you. The waterfall sounded more like white noise than water, which you supposed shouldn’t surprise you as much as it did.
Loki stepped out of the other side and shot you a glance over the top of the car. You gave him a small, brave smile and nodded, closing the door and beginning your short journey to the fenced-in lookout near the top of the waterfall.
The gravel crunched beneath your shoes as you made your way there, watching your feet until they met the paved concrete expanse of the formal lookout area. It was near-deafening - the millions of gallons of water collapsing each second, down more than a hundred feet under where you stood. Your fingers met the cool metal railing as you reached the fence and finally looked up at the waterfall.
It was huge and terrifying and mighty and magnificent. How much power this one corner of the earth contained made your jaw go slack. Of course you’d seen and heard waterfalls before, swum around them, dived off a few, taken pictures. But this time was different. This time, it was like you were facing a worthy opponent. Something which deserved reverence and respect.
“It’s beautiful,” you said softly, somewhat to Loki as he stood by your side and you let yourself truly listen to its song. To its whispering scream, all the ways it was telling you it could tear you apart, but not if you were careful.
“It is,” Loki agreed, and you could hear him perfectly.
Maybe water couldn’t take over everything.
As you stood and watched and listened for several minutes, you finally let out a content sigh and a satisfied smile. “I’m okay,” you declared. And it was true. “I’m okay.”
Loki didn’t say anything, you just saw him turn to you from the corner of your eye and do something like a nod.
“You’ve seemed totally unfazed throughout this entire thing,” you commented as you turned to face him. “I wish my fear could’ve manifested like yours. Save me some humiliation with the team.”
“I can assure you the process is still difficult.”
“You don’t need to pretend to be as afraid of the water as I was. I appreciate your help and your resilience, but you’ve clearly been fine every time we’ve gone in together.”
Loki averted his eyes, his tongue slipped out to lick his lips before he bit the side of his tongue and decided against saying something. You felt your brow lower in confusion, and in question, then your head tilted and your voice became a warning sign.
“Loki… what aren’t you telling me?”
“I-...” he sighed closed his eyes, then sighed before looking at you, resigned. “I wasn’t afraid of the water.”
“Loki!” You groaned, placing a hand against your forehead before waving it in question. “Why would you lie to me like that?”
He held his hands out in defence. “I didn’t lie. I didn’t. I simply… omitted some information.”
“You told me you were petrified.”
“Yes, but not of the water - of losing you.”
… Oh.
Your stunned silence made him pause, bite his tongue and nod his head until he was looking downwards.
You softened with realisation. “That’s why you checked on me that first night; you were afraid I wouldn’t be there.” He let a deep breath out in response and met your eye as you continued. “And why you seemed to calm down when I was around- when you could see me. Right?”
He breathed deeply once more and casted his gaze out to the waterfall. “I still find myself short of breath when you’re elsewhere. You seem to have overcome your fears better than I.”
“Maybe I should give you some space, then.” You rubbed your upper arm nervously.
“That’s not what I’m asking for.”
“Yeah, but is that what you need?”
“Don’t,” Loki shook his head. “Don’t say such things.”
“I want you to be okay too,” you urged with a sigh, placing your hand over his where it sat on the railing. “You can’t let fear that something will happen to me rule your mind.”
“My concerns are not unfounded,” he argued.
“What, you don’t think I can handle myself?”
“Of course you can.”
“People in my line of work don’t die of old age. Something is going to get me eventually.”
Loki shook his head and looked away, over to the falls. “I’d rather not speak of a time when this realm will exist without you.”
That made your breath catch in your throat, but there was still a pit in your stomach that you needed to address. “Loki… trauma is tricky and I don’t think-”
“No. This isn’t because of the incident,” he promised, with that same earnestness that his voice had held when he promised you didn’t need to get in the pool that first time.
“How can you be sure?”
“I saw a glimpse of this realm without you in it, and it was unbearable. Our near-demise did not create this depth of my need for you, it revealed such truth.”
You let out a big breath and looked over towards the falls, just as he had. “Those are some big words,” you bit your lower lip. “How can you be sure?” You looked back to him. “That this is real, and not just trauma?”
He shifted the hand you’d covered his with to lace his fingers between yours,
“I can be a selfish and cruel man. I can put my desires before anyone else’s needs… Thor can attest,” he hummed a sad smile, then focused on your hand in his as he explained, “If I didn’t care for you, I’d have torn that door to shreds to save your life. To Hel with anyone in the way,” he said sincerely, and it sent a shiver up your spine. “But… you. I knew your heart would not bear it, if anyone else were to be killed in the pursuit of your rescue.” Loki softened, watching how your fingers relaxed through his so naturally. “Assign to it what poetic meaning you will, but I believe it speaks volumes.”
“You’d let me die if saving me would put others in harm’s way?”
Loki winced, “When you say it like that, I sound like a fool. Weak.”
You squeezed his hand, “You sound strong,” you said, bringing a hand up to the side of his jaw and make him look at you. “It sounds like you overcame your fear before you knew you had it.” He placed his other hand on yours and held it firmer against his skin. “Who could do that but a god… but you, Loki? You’re amazing.”
He twitched a smile, and masked his flattery with a small scolding, “Careful what you say, Agent. I’ve been told I already think too highly of myself,” he held your hand in place as he turned his head to place a tender kiss against it. You smiled, a small blush blooming across your cheeks. Loki’s smile widened into a grin as he started moving around you. You held your breath as that blush burned a little brighter, but he didn’t kiss you like you thought he may have. Instead, he used his hands on yours to turn you to face the sheer grandeur of the waterfall, placing himself behind you. Still with your hands in his, he wrapped his arms around your waist and allowed you to relax your back into his chest as you watched the water together. “Are you nervous, my little lionheart?” Loki mused close to your ear, and your cheeks went up in flames at the nickname.
“I don’t think so.”
“Of course not. They tell stories on Asgard, of bravery like yours.”
“Now you’re just being ridiculous,” you giggled, nudging your elbow against his ribs.
“Mmm, my mighty warrior,” Loki chuckled in a low growl, nudging his nose behind your ear. “With the courage of a Valkyrie.”
You rolled your eyes, grinning nonetheless. “Now you’re just making fun of me.”
“You did ask me to.” You felt him shrug. “Who would I be, to not grant your earnest request?” He chuckled again and squeezed you close. You let yourself calm and fill with peace at the safety of his hold, nearly melting into the warm security of the feeling of him.
“Thank you,” you said softly. “For helping me with all of this. I’m sorry you had to deal with me like that.”
“Nonsense,” Loki squeezed you once more. “Enough of that malarkey or I’ll make you eat your words.”
You giggled at his indignation and rubbed your thumb over his fingers. “All I’m saying is that I- n-noho wahait!” More giggles streamed through your lips as Loki dug his fingers into your waist with a low growl. Slipping your hands away from his, you shoved at his fingers even as you leaned more into his chest. “Okahay!” You squeaked. “Okay, okay, LOKIHI!” He’d pinched at your hips and made you yelp out a laugh before backing off, but keeping his hands on the sensitive place as a warning.
“Care to try again?” You could hear his smirk next to your ear.
“Well, this isn’t fair,” you grumbled through blushing lips, shifting a bit as you became aware of the placement of his fingers. “But, thank you, Loki. For your help.”
He was silent for a minute as you two kept watching the waterfall. The mass of water, the vapour billowing away in clouds, the mighty churning in the pool at the bottom. Then, Loki moved his hands to catch yours again before pressing his lips next to your ear. “There’s nothing in the Nine Realms, in Yggdrasil, in all the universes - nothing I would not do for you.”
You took a deep breath, and asked, “Help me keep my world safe.”
“I swear it.”
“Even after it takes me,” you added, turning in his arms to give him a level look, to help him understand how much this meant to you. He looked back and forth between your eyes as his own narrowed, as his mind navigated through the fear of one day losing you, but he nodded and firmed his hands on your lower back.
“On the thrones of Asgard and Jotunheim, I swear it.”
You smiled, and then you slid your hands up his chest, closed your fingers around the fabric of his collar and used it to pull him down into a sweet and tender kiss.
The first of many.
It was nearly dark by the time you left the lookout of the waterfall, hand-in-hand on the short walk back to the car, fingers tangled in his own for the duration of the ride home. Nothing scandalous, nothing dastardly, simply being together.
The second you two entered the compound you were greeted by his older brother. Loki gave you no room to doubt his affections, nor his intentions of being open about them, as he held your hand a little tighter when Thor approached.
“Ah, Loki,” Thor grinned with an air of victory. “Just the person I was looking for.”
“Yes, brother, what is it you need?” Loki asked, somewhat impatiently. Then, he noticed Thor was holding something behind his back. “What is that you’re hiding?”
“See, you told me I’d fail,” Thor lifted his head, still with that cocky smile. “Now you may eat your words, brother.”
You had to stop yourself from laughing as Thor revealed what he was holding behind his back, pulling his hand in front of him to showcase the smallest pumpkin you’d ever seen. Or perhaps it only looked comically small because of how large Thor’s hands were, but it couldn’t have been more than a few inches in diameter.
“The harvest has begun!” Thor exclaimed with a grin, turning to continue on is path.
From the corner of your eye you saw Loki about to open his mouth to say something, probably something snarky, so you gave his hand a gentle squeeze. His eyes shot to you as the words died in his mouth, replaced by a subtle and content smile. Then, he spoke, “A great victory, brother,” he said, not taking his eyes off you. “Well done.”
“That was sweet,” you teased when Thor was out of earshot.
“He earned his victory,” Loki conceded with a smirk and pulled you into him, wrapping an arm over your shoulder as he walked you to your room.
“You did salvage his pumpkin patch,” you pointed out, lacing your fingers through the hand of his forearm perched on your shoulder.
“Victories need not be won alone,” he answered. “Much like yours. No one did that for you.”
“I wouldn’t call it a victory. More of a… return to normalcy. You did most of the heavy lifting.”
“I won’t tolerate you speaking ill of yourself,” Loki warned, hints of both sincerity and playfulness in his voice.
You scoffed, “I’m giving credit where credit’s due,” you argued. “You’re the one who got me through this.” You entered your room and he placed your bags down, turning to run his hands over your shoulders.
“All those steps taken were your own. I did not force you. You overcame this,” he urged, giving your arms a squeeze. “No one can take that from you.”
“Yeah, but- hehey!” You giggled as Loki swept you off your feet and tossed you onto your bed before covering you with himself as you laughed and playfully swatted at him. He caught your wrists and held them beside your head before placing a sweet and fiery kiss to your lips.
“I won’t tolerate it,” he said again, this time grinning against your mouth. “Now, you may force my hands to silence you in other ways,” he smirked and shot a hand down to wiggle his fingers against your ribs, making you giggle and squirm beneath him.
“Noho fair!”
He paused, fingers still in place. “Or, you may allow me to cease such talk by kissing you senseless. Either way, I will not listen to words spoken against you, especially from your own lips.”
You grinned and looked up into his determined eyes, lacing your free hand through the hair at the nape of his neck, choosing the option that pulled him in for a deep and passionate kiss.
You let him kiss you senseless, in the same way you let him be that strong and steady anchor in the water. In the same way he let you conquer your own battles, and the way he himself was still overcoming the fear of losing you.
Loki once said an unearned victory was a fate worse than defeat, and now you knew a shared victory was a fate sweeter than life itself.
Ok, yes, I know this is stupidly long. I considered posting this as two parts but there wasn’t a good place to cut it. To make up for the length, there are lots of tickles in this one 💜
Based on this prompt from a lovely anon, who asked for a storyline where the reader had never been tickled before. This fic is on the more intimate side, somewhat steamy, but not smutty.
Pairing: Loki x female!reader (romantic)
CW: swearing, mentions/depictions of violence and death, reader has a lot of scarring on their body (from combat), sexual tension
FYI: If you want to read this all in one sitting, it will take approximately 1 hour 15 minutes.
Loki didn’t care much for the opinions of mortals.
He well understood his standing in their realm. That he was a boogeyman of sorts, a failed tyrant, someone who’s name conjured a sour taste in the mouth of those who spoke it.
Even though his treachery was in the past, even though Loki had assisted in saving many more lives than he’d taken, the Asgardian Prince did not blame the mortals of Midgard for their reservations. Perhaps he’d blame them if he cared, but he couldn’t say he did. After all, in a century or two he’d be able grace the realm with a clean slate, all first-hand memories of him being dead and gone with the minds of those who’d held them.
Therefore, no; Loki, Prince of Asgard, Odinson, the rightful king of Jotunheim, God of Mischief, did not care if mortals looked at him with fear or disdain. However, late one Thursday evening, he discovered he was not immune to certain looks crawling under his skin.
Several Avengers were returning home from a mission he was not asked to lend a hand in. If Thor had been called away to help perhaps Loki would have questioned it, but he’d realised long ago that not everyone was needed for every mission. It took time to unravel the knot in his stomach whenever he was excluded from something which seemed so obviously suited to his skill set, but the quickest way to be benched was to argue with Stark or Rogers.
Loki would not call himself compliant, nor submissive by any means, but he was, if nothing else, a master in the art of self-preservation. Being stuck on Midgard was dull enough without the tyranny of boredom. So, he simply… played along. With their missions, with their trainings, with their fanciful notions of actually being a powerful force in the grande scheme of the universes. If sometimes that meant staying home, he would.
The returning heroes would often gather for a meal or debrief post-landing, but tonight there was a different atmosphere apparent. Stark had stayed back, and had been locked in the lab for several days. He also seemed particularly on edge this evening. His temperament uneasy, as if he were about to encounter an unsure situation. Perhaps someone was injured, or someone was missing. No. There’d be distress in his demeanour. This was… hesitance.
Stark’s unusual air was enough to keep Loki close to the hangar when the quinjet was due to arrive back. It touched down outside, then taxied in, its pilot indiscernible, perhaps Barton. The underbelly ramp descended and several people walked down it, less chatty than Loki knew them to be.
He saw the familiar casual walk of Wanda and the intentional placement of Vision’s feet. Black tactical boots tucked into navy-blue pants belonged to the stoic-footed Captain, Romanoff next to him with her sneak-like walk. An unfamiliar gait caught Loki’s eye. Their feet, her feet, he quickly discerned, falling next to Romanoff’s in an eerily similar manner.
They brought someone back with them.
The feet kept walking down the ramp in step with Romanoff until an entire body was revealed and Loki took his first glimpse of you.
The lack of shackles around your limbs or bag over your head told him you were not a prisoner and apparently not a threat. Loki folded his arms and leaned against the large double-doorframe everyone would have to pass through to get back to the weapons room to relinquish their equipment. Those who walked ahead gave him polite nods and tight smiles, all passing him by without questioning why he was there to greet them. Perhaps they understood he’d discovered something that made him curious. They were all, still, uncharacteristically quiet.
Loki casted his gaze over to where you, Rogers and Romanoff were standing in a close circle near the bottom of the ramp. All of the footsteps behind him kept fading, save for one familiar footfall. He got closer and the familiar cologne assaulted Loki’s senses. Stark walked past without acknowledging the demigod in the doorway, and the Captain’s head shot towards the approaching scientist.
“Tony,” he said, his voice ever strong and commandeering. His greeting turned Romanoff’s head, and then yours. He saw you look at Tony, then he saw you look towards him in the doorway. Your eyes locked with his for several seconds before you looked him up and down, then turned back to the conversation which now included Stark. Loki stayed leaned with his arms folded, brow lowered in thought and curiosity. He’d never seen them bring someone back like this. And to be greeted by Stark? Were you sticking around?
The possibilities ran through his mind as he took note of your familiar stance and impeccable posture. It was possible you’d always been a part of the team and you’d been deep undercover for the ten months he’d been living at the Compound. Hmm, no. He would have heard your name. Perhaps you were a SHIELD Agent, or a defector of some kind. But you didn’t feel out of place. No, something about you felt all too much like a word on the tip of his tongue. He’d certainly never seen your face. He would have remembered.
After a minute or two of hushed conversation, you nodded and said something that looked like “Understood” before the four of you turned and began walking towards the hallway. Loki held his ground as you approached, even though Stark made some sarcastic comment about vampires and lurking. Rogers chuckled once through his nose at the joke, but Loki could see he, too, looked hesitant. Distracted. Wary.
Then, the impossible happened - a mortal’s look got under his skin.
You looked straight into Loki’s eyes as you approached, scanning his stance, eyeing his hands, his feet, his waist. Loki squinted a bit. You were assessing him as a threat. You were clocking his weak points, checking for weapons and signs of aggression. When you met his face again, the look you gave him made his shoulders tense and gave him the desire to shift from one foot to the other in discomfort. But he did not give you that satisfaction. Your eyes gave him no indication of fear, they did not flash in recognition like every other mortal’s did when realising who they stood before. You didn’t blink and flinch and stammer out his name like a bitter taste you wanted to be rid of. You just… walked on by, breaking your stare to look ahead right before you passed where he stood. Setting his jaw, he turned to watch the four of you retreat, wondering how in the Nine Realms you’d just looked at him like that. Your eyes had told him exactly what you thought of him, and he’d thought it impossible.
You either had no idea who he was, or you did not care.
He couldn’t decide which was worse.
The mystery of the reason you were brought back, and the familiarity of your stance, was explained over the next day or so as conversation buzzed around the Compound.
The team had been on mission in Belgrade, tending to a situation where there was a looming assassination threat against the President. The political situation in Serbia had been delicate, to say the least, and an assassination would destabilise Eastern Europe beyond the threshold of what could be repaired in a year or two.
Romanoff had been undercover at a gala with government officials when she recognised one of the waitresses: you. The Avenger had been wearing a nanotech mask to disguise her true face, but something about the familiarity of her had triggered something in your keen Widow senses. After a lengthy fight between her, you and Wanda, the two women had managed to combine their skills of magic, manipulation and sheer brute force to break past your defences and knock some sense into you.
It was more complicated than that, of course, but Loki had never felt it appropriate to discuss the life of a Widow with Romanoff before. He’d seen her ledger. He’d practically felt the need to wash his hands of the metaphorical blood dripping from her history. When he’d first read of it, when Barton had provided it to him all those years ago, he’d been impressed. It made him think he’d taken the wrong assassin. Though the ledger did not mention the training. The pheromones. The total mind and body control.
You kept mostly to yourself for those first couple of days, and Loki couldn’t quite blame you. The first time he witnessed you venturing into the kitchen with other people in it, the conversation all but stopped. It hadn’t been about you, but it may as well have been. You gave a tight-lipped smile and mumbled an apology for intruding. Wanda assured you it was fine, you weren’t intruding, but the words coming from the still-swollen cut lips of a mouth you’d punched weren’t as convincing as they needed to be.
Romanoff was seen considerably less of for those days, and Loki assumed it meant she was taking time to talk with you, work with you, help settle you in. You didn’t seem particularly thrilled about being here, leading Loki to assume you were probably in some kind of danger. A conversation he stumbled across that same afternoon shed some light.
“We have her to thank for Petrovic not being dead, in case you’ve forgotten.”
Romanoff’s argumentative tone made Loki pause in place just as he was about to open the door to the lab. He knew they were talking about you, so he listened.
“Uh, she changed her mind about an assassination she was going to commit,” Tony fired back. “Should I house every non-murderer in the state?”
“You‘re being ridiculous, you know it’s not that simple- Tony!” She urged and Loki heard his footsteps and his sigh. “She doesn’t want to be an Avenger. She just needs some help to take down Dreykov.”
That name, Dreykov, immediately conjured images of that gushing ledger. His daughter, the explosion, who he was, what he’d done. He was supposed to be dead.
“They’ll be after her now, she needs a place to lay low. But now there’s someone, someone qualified, who wants to work to dismantle the global Widow network. One long, deadly game of catch and release.”
There was a pause. “Alright, what does she need?”
Loki started feeling like it was nearly time for him to make his entrance as Romanoff explained to Tony that you just needed a place to stay, some transport, some weapons, some equipment.
The night they’d free’d you, you told them there were half a dozen Widows disguised at the event and the assassination was going down that night. What’s more, they knew the Avengers were there.
The team managed to free two more Widows from mind control -one of whom was killed in action and the other one absconded. Another Widow was killed, the other two narrowly escaped back to the Red Room. The ones who’d escaped would have surely told of your defection by now. Dreykov would know. Drekyov would know Natasha was involved.
Loki could hear the tension draining from the room as the two Avengers discussed your needs and came to an agreement, even if Stark still sounded sceptical, so Loki entered with a loud interrupting greeting to the scientist saying he was ready to provide insight on that alien tech he’d recovered.
Tony gestured to it over on a table as he bid his colleague farewell. One look and Loki knew it was of Asgard. “It’s a portable bullet mill. Used by factions of soldiers needing to produce more ammunition during travel. It converts asteroids into rounds for their weapons.” Loki kept explaining the technology to Stark, impressed by his own ability to be speaking one thing and thinking of something completely different.
So the freshly-freed former Widow wants to take down Dreykov. You’d barely had your own life for two days and you were already throwing yourself back into that world. Loki couldn’t blame you. Old habits, and all that. It intrigued him, however, that you intended to do it alone.
The following afternoon, Loki finally had his first conversation with you. He‘d come across you in a wayward hallway, your brow furrowed as you opened and closed a few cabinets. After opening a particularly large one, your face fell, then you noticed Loki was close by.
“Where do they keep the shoes?” You asked, closing the cabinet which housed yet another switchboard of the Compound’s operating system.
“Pardon?”
“The shoes,” you repeated. “I need some shoes. I don’t know where they keep them.”
Seeing the earnestness in your eyes, Loki resisted the inherent desire to be insufferably snarky. He knew if he brushed off your seemingly silly question the first time you ever asked, you’d probably dismiss him as a useless source. And he couldn’t have that. Not with his unanswered question about the way you’d looked at him.
“Clothing on this team isn’t standard issue. It is yours to choose.”
“Oh.”
“Come,” he tilted his head and you followed without a second thought. You walked beside him as he navigated through the hallways of the residential building on the Compound, exiting into the sunshine with you still close. He wondered how long it was take you to realise it was foolish to trust him like this. Who knows where he could be taking you? How in Midgard’s name were you so unfazed about trailing along behind Loki of Asgard like a lost puppy?
“Settling in?” Loki asked as he approached the doors of another building.
“No,” you answered honestly. Loki smirked to himself, opening the door for you like the chivalrous Prince he was raised to be. You seemed unfazed by the gesture. Perhaps you didn’t find the need to stop and think about such things.
As Loki approached the desk of a somewhat receptionist, the young uniformed man’s eyes went a little wide when he saw who was about to ask him a question. “Miss Potts,” Loki stated, telling the already-nodding Agent who he needed to see. Daniel, the name tag told you both, scurried away through some security doors and you two were left alone for several moments.
“She’s with Tony Stark,” you said. The way you said it was confident, but still had the hint of seeking validation for your intel.
“Correct.”
“She runs his company.”
“Also correct- ah,” he smiled dryly, but tried to make it look polite as Pepper walked into the room sporting a similar air of general displeasure.
“What can I do for you, Loki?”
“I take it you’ve met your latest house-guest?” Loki gestured to you.
“Uh, yes,” Pepper turned to you, her smile becoming slightly more genuine. “Are you settling in well?”
“Yes,” you lied with a soft smile. Loki bit back a smirk, and couldn’t help but flag your honesty with him as another thing he’d have to ask you about. “Although I’m looking for some shoes.”
“O-oh, okay,” Pepper nodded, but looked confused.
“The woman has no money, Miss Potts,” Loki stepped in to hurry the conversation along. “She needs clothing.”
“Of course,” Pepper instantly softened in understanding, then quickly regained her all-knowing posture and gestured for you to follow her. “Come with me. We’ll find you everything you need.”
As you followed her, you shot a tight thankful smile over your shoulder to Loki before being led through the security doors and falling out of sight. Noticing the smirk tense on his lips, Loki relaxed his features and began making his way back to the Compound.
You didn’t strike him as a particularly trusting person, so the more he thought about it, the more he realised why you had such confidence in being led around; you didn’t see any of these people as a threat. Including him. Which, he still wasn’t sure if he liked or not.
A little reverence for his deity certainly wouldn’t hurt. Nor would a little awe at his power. No. Why did he feel the desire to be impressive to you?
Mortals knew nothing.
Several months later, you appeared to have finally settled in. Loki hadn’t explicitly asked you since that first day, finding the brief conversations he had with you to contain much more pressing matters, but you no longer completely avoided everyone when you were home. You were more likely to join in on a dinner than a movie night, you didn’t shy away from training at the same time as anyone else, but it was rare to get you talking about anything non-work related.
You were away a lot. Safely based at the Avengers Compound, you tapped into your (and Natasha’s) sources and travelled the world in that one big, deadly catch and release expedition. When some intel would indicate Widow involvement in some upcoming event, you’d attend to it. Using a pheromone-based counteragent Banner had managed to replicate from a small sample that’d been recovered, you’d search the world for your sisters in order to help free them of their bonds.
Though, more often than not, you’d return home with an air of defeat. You were mostly doing it alone, and you didn’t have the added benefit of being deprived of fear and choice, so that cutthroat edge had been taken away. You were still keen and deadly, Loki learned as he saw you train, and then eventually heard of you in the field.
The first mission you tagged along on was one Romanoff insisted you’d be perfect for. It required the finesse of two former Widows who could make quick work of a break, enter, steal, replicate, reset, escape. It went flawlessly. Loki hadn’t been there, but he’d heard the stories. The excited stories. The compliments from Barton, the nods of approval from Rogers as he conceded it was a lot easier with you around than it would’ve been otherwise.
As you cupped a mug of coffee in your hands the morning of your return, and smiled politely at their praise, Loki saw the way the smile reached your eyes, but he also saw the way it looked to be a replica of the one you’d given Pepper all those months ago. At some point in the conversation, after Clint asked Natasha about how the new repelling hooks he’d helped designed had worked for you two, you snapped your gaze to Loki. The Prince nearly flinched at the way you seemed to know he’d been looking at you at that point in time. The warm, polite smile on your face, for the briefest second, morphed into a knowing smirk before you sipped the steaming coffee once more.
That look you’d given him held a lot. A lot of questions, a lot of comments.
Do they always sit around and talk about how great things went for themselves after a mission?
You know this is ridiculous.
Seriously, how self-satisfied?
You understand. I know you understand.
He deciphered the meaning behind your look before your eyes left his and you stood up from where your elbows had been propped against the kitchen island. Once the conversation had petered out and most people left the kitchen, you turned to Romanoff.
“Any luck on me borrowing Wanda for that lead in Interlaken?”
“None,” she smiled sympathetically. “I’m sorry. I wish I had more pull over allocation of people.”
“You’ve done a lot,” you nodded. “I appreciate you trying.”
Romanoff gave an affectionate squeeze of your forearm and excused herself, leaving you and Loki alone. He noticed how your face dropped into frustration, and the smallest roll of your eyes, as you leaned back down against the counter the second she stepped out of the room.
“Why do you need Wanda?” Loki folded his arms, leaning against the opposite counter as he peered to where you stayed leaned on the other side of the kitchen island.
“I’m getting my ass kicked,” you muttered. “They’re too-… part of being a Widow is not really grasping that your life is something you can lose. It’s hard to explain,” you dismissed with a wave of your hand, then let out a breath. “Anyway, I’m convinced Nat and Wanda were able to pull me out because of Wanda‘s ability to enter the mind.”
“How so?”
“The antidote, whatever you want to call it, the stuff that Bruce gave me… I think it would work better if the subject‘s mind was already susceptible.”
“Is the antidote not working?”
“I’m having a hard time getting close enough to find out,” you sighed, defeated. “I get that people don’t trust me, but half the situations the Avengers go in to fix wouldn’t even be on the table if the Widow network was dismantled. I don’t understand what’s so hard to comprehend about that,” you looked over your shoulder, measuring your voice, before turning back to Loki. “Widows are effective because they don’t avenge. They’re ahead of the action.” You sat back, lifting your mug to your lips before finishing with, “Everyone here should be on board with coming to Switzerland.”
“I’ll go with you.”
The words left Loki’s mouth before he’d really thought them through, but his chest didn’t immediately surge with panic, so he didn’t let himself regret saying it. You looked taken aback, nearly choking on your sip of coffee.
“You will?”
“Why not?”
“Why would you do that?”
“If you don’t want my help, I-”
“No, I do. I really do,” you nodded. “I appreciate it.”
Less than three days later, Loki found himself sitting across from you at a candlelit table overlooking the Aare River, which had long since ceased glittering with sunset and was now a peaceful reflection of the star-laced night sky.
You gifted a sweet fake smile at the waiter as he refilled your wine in your glass, your cherry-red lips framing a coy flash of pearly-white teeth. Loki looked at your glass as it was filled, confident the waiter was not perceptive enough to pick up the lack of a lipstick stain on the rim. Even if he were perceptive enough, Loki gave him a zero-sum chance of realising it’s because you weren’t actually wearing lipstick. You weren’t wearing your hair down in soft waves either, and you certainly weren’t wearing that long-sleeved black dress that hugged you in all the right places.
Your eyes had called him cheeky for conjuring such an alluring illusion onto you, but when Loki had cast his magic to disguise you two as an impeccably dressed couple dining at the most expensive restaurant in town, you seemed preoccupied with your delighted amazement at his magic. That’d made him happy - to see your child-like smile of joy when your heavy tactical clothing had been concealed and replaced with beautiful black gown.
“I can’t even feel my real clothes,” you’d commented as he‘d led you through the grand doors of the restaurant. Pausing by the maitre d, you turned to Loki and reached up to smooth out his collar. He knew his collar was perfect, but the way your eyes flitted towards the dining area told him you’d done it to have a chance to clock your target. “A table by the window?” You turned and smouldered the host with your gaze, and he immediately nodded in agreement.
That table by the window was close to a man with the last name Dubois. He managed a large charitable trust which was primarily funded by a number of Catholic organisations. So in order to dismantle that trust, and all it did to fund efforts to stabilise regions Dreykov did not want stabilised, Dubois needed to die. But he did not just need to die, he needed to be ruined. His name dragged through the mud. How better to do so, than to find him dead from an overdose in the expensive hotel room he’d purchased for himself and his mistress.
Of course, Dubois was a Boy Scout. An upstanding citizen. Your sources had told you he’d not given into the advances of the strikingly beautiful Widow sent to seduce him. So even though Dubois was here alone, on business, sat in the restaurant at a table by himself enjoying a fine-dining experience, in a mere few days his wife was to receive a call that’d he’d been found dead with evidence of another woman in the room. They’d never find the mistress, but that’d hardly matter. The damage would be done, as would the multi-million dollar funding when the churches needed their names nowhere near a dead, drunk adulterer.
Your time as a Widow had told you there’d be eyes on him always; the One sent to do it was probably here watching. A waitress, maybe. Or that older-looking woman by the window. The bartender, perhaps. Loki saw you scan the room, then visibly try to relax yourself as to not give away your mission posture.
“This wine is exceptional, given Midgard’s usual standard,” Loki commented.
“It’s probably just grape juice to you, right?” You half-smirked, resting a forearm against the edge of the table as you toyed with the stem of the glass. “This wouldn’t do anything to you.”
“Two or three bottles might. But the richness-”
“Oh, far too much,” you frowned and nodded in agreement, then silence hung between you again. Then, Loki caught it. He turned to see a woman a few tables over who shared your stance. Her arm was also resting on the table, her fingers also playing with the glass. She sat up a little straighter and then leaned her elbows on the table with a flirtatious smile at her date. Loki turned back to you, and watched you mimic her perfectly.
“You’ve never done this before.”
“Is it that obvious?” You sat back, looking disappointed at being caught out.
“Were there only certain Widows trained in the art of dinner table seduction?” Loki tried his hand at a playful jab.
You smiled, looking down at the table cloth before examining it between your fingers. “We all learned everything. It wasn’t an option to not be good at an aspect of the job.”
“Yet you’ve never done this before.”
“Maybe the other Widows were just more beautiful.”
“Oh, I doubt that.” Caught you. Loki smirked at the subtle blush that bloomed on your cheeks before you reigned it in and smirked back at him, picking up your wine glass.
“Smooth.”
“There’s a reason.” Loki sat back and folded his fingers on his lap, tilting his head down to watch your expression. “Why you never done this before.”
Your jaw moved with the dance of you taking in the flavour of the impossibly expensive wine as you bided your time to think of an answer. Loki knew you knew the true answer, so he was watching to see if you’d share it with him. Then, a genuine distraction caught your eye.
“Shit,” you whispered. “Tatiana. I need to look like not me, Loki.”
“What, right now?”
“Just do it!” You whispered loudly.
“And how were those starters?” You both snapped your heads up to see the impeccably-mannered waiter smiling down expectantly. It was too late. Loki couldn’t change your appearance now. He flicked his eyes to the window in an attempt to check where you were looking, spotting the vague figure of a beautiful woman in a royal blue dress. The movement of your hand on the table brought his gaze back to where you wrapping your fingers around a butter knife and shifting the blade to be concealed against the underside of your wrist.
“Excellent,” you answered, tensely. “Can we have a few more minutes please?” You asked without looking up.
“Of course,” he nodded, almost bowed, then took his exit. Unfortunately, he had been shielding you from Tatiana’s view and the second he moved aside, she saw you.
“Oh, shit,” you breathed out, then grunted and shifted your head to the side as a blade flew through the air where your left eye had been a second before. “Really?!” You growled and stood with the realisation that she was willingly engaging in open combat. Running past Loki, you leapt over a table and took a swipe at your former comrade with the butter knife - possibly the most infective weapon in this room.
The room erupted in a nervous buzz as you and Tatiana began duking it out, taking vicious hits and swipes at each other with any blade you could get your hands on. Loki stood and swiftly made his way over to join the fray, not before pulling out a vial of Banner’s Widow Antidote, ready to subdue Tatiana’s mind. Before he could get far, he felt a viciously sharp pain in his upper arm. He winced, clenching his jaw and turning with fury in his eyes to see the flirty woman, the one you’d copied, in a battle posture with a steak knife in hand. Another Widow.
Loki conjured a blade, finding his injured arm substantially weakened by the depth of her slice, but nevertheless began a duel with this vixen. Having the benefit of observing Romanoff, of training with her on occasion, of seeing you fighting in the training room, Loki had the upper-hand when it came to knowledge of his opponent. Understanding the way she would move, the attempts she would make, he was able to block her stabs even with his half-incapacitated arm. He was trying to not harm her as much as possible, just as you’d asked on the way to Switzerland, but a cry of pain that sounded a bit too much like you made the godly power boil over in his chest. He summoned a mighty magical force to his hand, and then blasted the Widow backwards. She flew nearly fifteen feet before colliding with an empty table and crumping to the ground. As she attempted to collect herself, Loki turned his attention to where Tatiana had your back bent over a table and her hand around your throat.
Before he could intervene, your fingers closed around the first thing they found, being a napkin. You flicked your wrist and lashed it in a whipping motion towards her eyes, causing her to cry out in agony and release you in favour of stumbling backwards, recoiling from the white-hot pain. Instead of wasting time finding another weapon, you wrung the thick white cloth in your hands and slipped behind the temporarily-blinded Tatiana, wrapping the cloth tight around her windpipe and kicking at the backs of her calves to force her to kneel.
“Now, Loki!” You motioned down, prompting him to grab hold of her mind so you could free her together, but suddenly another knife flew past your head. You both turned. That woman Loki had fought being still on the ground, you realised the knife had come from yet another Widow. This time, disguised as a chef. The chef nodded to who appeared to be an elegant older woman at a table with her friend in the corner, and they both stood with far too much dexterity to be as old as they appeared.
The room went near-silent as the innocent people cowered under tables and behind the bar. Dubois sat calmly at his table, casted a gaze up to you and cheers’ed his glass before downing his wine. Loki turned back to you and saw the realisation morph into your features, as you resigned yourself to the fact that you’d be set up.
This was a trap.
Your eyes met his and he could tell what you were thinking. With a forwards wave of his hand you two were suddenly in your tactical fighting clothing once again, and on the backwards flourish he summoned a blindingly bright ball of energy to shoot towards the women in the corner. They dove out of the way in time to see Loki‘s blade fly through the air and clip the thigh of the chef. Sufficiently distracting them, he watched as your heel connected to the place between Tatiana’s shoulder blades and she went tumbling to the ground. Then, you turned tail and ran.
Bursting out of the mountainside restaurant, you and Loki booked it down the dimly-lit driveway, feeling horribly exposed as bullets shot from the doorway whizzed past your head. Spotting a gap in the trees that lined the main road, you ran towards it with the expectation that Loki would follow you. As you broke into the steep forest and began running further into the dark, dense, snow-laden bush, you shouted to Loki to cover your tracks. And so he did, waving his good arm behind him to collapse the snow over your sets of footprints.
After a good twenty minutes of getting yourselves lost in the forest, you paused and leaned over, resting your hands on your knees as you gulped for air. The snow was now nearly waist-height, and it was taking some effort for the two of you to slog through it. Several long moments passed of your panting and sniffing with the cold, until you laughed bitterly and stood up straight. The moon wasn’t full that night, but your features were lit enough through the gaps in the pine trees for Loki to see the dark and frustrated look on your face.
“Well, that source is burned,” you scoffed. “They’ll know where we’re staying. We need to find somewhere to shelter for the night,” you said, then looked up to where the trees had been dripping with snow, dropping frost onto the two of you as you‘d made your way through the forest. “We also need to get dry.”
With his keen senses, Loki looked around through the trees and spotted something over a rocky expanse. “There,” he nodded, you turned around but shrugged.
“I don’t see anything.”
“Come,” Loki beckoned, still concealing your trail as best he could.
The something Loki had spotted turned out to be a small cabin in the woods. The shoulder-height chainlink fence surrounding the darkened property bore a sign saying tresspassers would be prosecuted, and that this house was property of the Swiss Nature Conservatory.
“It’s f-for the people who come out-t here to study wildlife,” you deduced from the sign. “The latch is frozen s-shut, the lights are off, I d-doubt anyone’s here.”
Ripping the frozen gate open, Loki moved with more urgency having heard the frost settle into your voice. He took a final look around as you walked up the wooden porch stairs and located a lockbox which certainly contained a key to enter. Once he was satisfied no one was watching, once his instincts told him you two were alone, he unlocked the front door with a wave of his hand.
“Man, y-you’re usef-ful,” you chuckled as you entered the cabin with him right behind you. Quickly locating a generator switch next to the front door, you pulled the small lever with your cold-shaken hands and a low hum resounded throughout the cabin.
A few wall lamps sprung to life, dimly lighting the small abode. The warm light hit a number of pieces of eclectic furniture, revealing a small, round dining table with three white wooden chairs, and one mismatched grey one. The old tile on the kitchen floor was oxidised with age, but still looked to be mostly in tact. The dust and dead bugs on the windowsills, and the general must in the air, told you both it’d been a while since anyone had stayed here.
The flickering lamp in the living room, which was just an offshoot from the kitchen, revealed a staunch, yet ragged, faded navy blue sofa which sat atop a fibrous wool rug that spanned nearly the entire wooden floor. Close behind the couch were a set of doors, presumably leading to bedrooms and bathrooms. There were only four doors, three on the wall behind the sofa, one on the opposite wall near the fireplace. Ah, thank the gods for a fireplace.
“Is that smart?” Loki referred to lighting the place up while he looked around the tiny kitchen he’d stepped into before closing the front door.
“We’ll t-turn it off b-before we sleep,” you answered. “It’ll be fine f-for now.”
“You need to warm up.”
“Y-you n-need first aid,” you motioned to his blood-soaked sleeve. “I’ll g-get a fire going,” you sniffed from the cold and crossed the length of the kitchen in a mere few strides, shakily breathing in relief when you saw the fire-making supplies were bountiful and plenty.
With a shake of his head, Loki dried his clothing and conjured his shirt away so he could assess the damage without having to tear a sleeve from his leather armour. The cabin was dry, at least, but the air still bit at his skin. Shooting a glance over to where you were gathering your fire-making supplies, he shuddered to think of how cold you must be. You must be numb with it, considering even his frost giant blood was on edge.
The cut was deep and jagged and ugly. The Widow had twisted the knife half-way through, leaving him the gift of torn and stinging skin. He pressed his other hand to the still-bleeding wound and began applying his magic deep into the tendons and muscle fibres which had been unceremoniously destroyed.
He raised his head when he heard you sigh in relief as the spark caught to the kindling. You knelt before the flame, trembling with the cold, and blew gently on the embers to bring them further into life. You worked naturally, flawlessly, as you fed sticks into the fire until you felt confident enough to place a couple of bigger logs around the small flame. Then, you noticeably shivered, quite violently, and let yourself fall backwards to sit on the rug and begin stripping the freezing wet clothes off your body. Loki, still sitting at the rickety table in the kitchen, wondered if he should exit the room, but you didn’t seem phased. You never did when it came to him.
He focused his gaze on the nearly-healed gash on his arm as he heard your jacket unzip, the clunking of boots tossed aside, the peeling of frosty skin-tight clothing away from your arms and legs. He heard your teeth chatter and your breath quiver and then he heard you settle. Finally daring another glance, he looked over to see you huddled in on yourself, facing the fire with your hands stretched towards it to warm them. You‘d taken yourself down to a sports bra and some skin-tight shorts that many Agents wore under their tactical clothing. Your forehead was against your knees as he heard you try to steady your frostbitten breathing. You began to relax, ever so slightly, as the warmth of the flame started to grace your nerves.
He squinted a bit in the low light, not sure if he was believing what he was seeing. Flecks of uneven skin showed in the dim lamp glow. The fire before you poured light onto your front and shadows over your shoulders, and Loki caught the painful memories woven into your skin. Countless tears, gashes, bullet holes, slices, Freyja knows what else, all healed over by your body’s natural process of regenerating. Some scars were so large they must have had surgical intervention to heal them, perhaps even most of them. Several minutes of silence passed as the fire grew and Loki looked on. Unable to tear his eyes away, unable to stop himself from standing, he finally released the magic from his arm to see not a hint of where the blade had sliced him. It seemed so unfair that you should be left with all those reminders. If only he’d been there for each and every one.
After conjuring a long-sleeved thermal shirt, he walked over to you before he had the wherewithal to stop himself from intruding on your space. He reached down and picked up your items of clothing, allowing a green magic to pass over and dry them. You looked up when he did so and smiled thankfully, then managed a dry chuckle through your shivering.
“Y-you c-couldn’t have d-d-done that before I st-stripped-d?” You joked. Loki knew you weren’t upset, so he allowed himself a small smirk.
“My magic was in use, I’m afraid,” he nodded to his now-healed arm and then placed your clothes on a chair beside him. “I can dry those too, if you’d like,” he gestured to the under-clothes still on you. You nodded without hesitation. He would have offered to conjure you more warm clothes, but he knew mortals well enough to know that what you needed right now was the warmth of this fire against your bare skin.
Loki walked over to crouch behind you, placed both hands on your shoulders, and allowed his magic to pass over your body. You shuddered under his touch, but almost rose to grow into it. The simple lifting of your shoulders to add more pressure to his hands against your skin made his breath catch in his throat.
“That felt strange,” you admitted, placing your forehead head back on your knees and sighing again. “Thank you.”
“My pleasure,” Loki smiled, allowing himself to squeeze your shoulders affectionately. You sighed in contentment again, then turned your head, slid your hand over your knee and rested your cheekbone against it.
“Does it leave a s-scar? Your magic,” you asked, eyes fixed on your clean and dry clothes on the chair several feet away. Loki wondered if it was out of a longing to cover yourself back up, but he then noticed his hands were still on you, and that you appeared to be content with that.
“No,” he answered, daring to run his palms over the sides of your shoulders before removing them from your skin.
“I know it’s bad,” you spoke up, breaking the several seconds of silence that had fallen. “I d-don’t see the back of myself all too of-often, but I know it’s bad,” you clarified.
“I’m afraid I can’t do much now the wounds are healed,” Loki offered, wondering if your question about his magic was an attempt to surmount if he could wipe your slate clean. You shrugged with one shoulder, seemingly unfazed, noticeably shivering less now.
“That’s okay.”
“I wish I could help.”
“I’m not upset. Just thought it might be useful.”
Loki shifted to catch some of the fire warmth for himself, half-sitting behind you with one leg outstretched and one tucked underneath. He propped himself up by his hand and tilted his head to catch your eye. “That’s why you’ve never been to dinner.”
“Mmm,” you confirmed, nodding against the back of your hand. “Dinner table seduction only goes so far. Can’t really go undercover into someone’s bedroom after dinner if they can read your battle history when they take your clothes off,” you chuckled sarcastically, then lifted your head from your hand. “Haven’t broken that news to the Avengers yet.”
Loki felt the discomfort surge in his chest at the thought of you being assigned to such things. “The Avengers aren’t quite like that.”
“Not yet,” you sniffed, looking over at the fire. “Just you wait. The second it’s the best option, Rogers and Stark will send Nat in wearing a sexy dress and very little underneath.”
“You’re wrong,” Loki said firmly. The defence of the co-leaders left a sour taste in his mouth, but you seemed to believe him, and that seemed to make you feel a little more relaxed. “If you’re worried about what people would think if they saw-”
“I’m not. I don’t care what people think. Besides, in certain contexts, it‘ll weeds out the wimps.” He saw how your cheeks were pulled into a playful smirk so he let himself smile.
“Romanoff has nowhere near this level of scarring,” Loki commented, scooting himself to be situated more behind you to take another look.
“She got out sooner,” you said, looking over your shoulder from the corner of your eye. “Or maybe she was just a better Widow.”
Before fully considering the implications, Loki gently traced his thumb over a longer scar that began just under your neck and travelled several inches down the centre of your spine. It was thin, impeccably straight. You relaxed under his touch, noticeably so. So noticeably, he let himself consider you’d done it on purpose. To let him know it was more than okay for him to touch you.
“That one was surgery,” you explained, then titled your head in thought as Loki traced another scar close by. It looked almost like a bullet hole, but not nearly as neat. “Unmarked soviet slug.” Loki’s mind immediately latched onto the obvious connection but you seemed to catch the drift before he had to decide whether to speak it aloud. “Possibly Barnes. I haven’t asked.”
“If it was Barnes-”
“I’d probably be dead. I know. But Nat has one of his and she’s still here.”
Loki didn’t allow himself to dwell on the intimacy of the moment, lest insecurity grip either of you, as you let him touch your scars and you offered brief explanations. Sometimes it was a word, sometimes it was a short story.
“I got sliced by a branch of a fallen tree, the wound was wide but not deep,” you said as his finger pressed over a wide patch of scar tissue. He moved his hands, you always spoke.
“South Africa.”
“Another surgery. Kidneys.”
“Friendly fire.”
When he traced three identical lines near the centre of your spine, you paused. He saw your chest heave with a deeper breath and you turned your face more towards the fire. “Torture.”
Loki, before he could stop himself, placed his whole palm against the lines and willed all the magic in him to rid you of this memory.
“It’s fine,” you said, and reached behind yourself to close your fingers around his wrist. If you could feel his magic against you, it must be doing something. He ignored your tugs until he felt he’d done his best, but when he removed his hand they’d not shrunk one millimetre.
He couldn’t fix it. Maybe he could make it right.
“A name,” he demanded, his voice low and dangerous.
“Mikhail.”
“Where might I find him?”
“I buried him at sea.”
Loki tempered the rage swelling in his chest, not wanting to compromise the delicacy with which he was able to touch your skin. To compensate, he softened his touch further and ran his fingers along a small scar on the back of your lower ribs. As his fingers ghosted over the mangled skin, you shuddered and twitched beneath him. You subtly arched away and made a small noise of grimace, but didn’t otherwise verbally react. Loki felt his brow furrow, and felt a knowing smirk tug at his cheeks as he allowed himself the bravery to try elsewhere.
With less pressure than before, he brought five fingertips to a small collection of scars on your lower back. He grazed his fingers along the tiny cuts that had long since healed over, smiling to himself as you squirmed a little under his touch.
“I’d never think you one to be ticklish,” Loki commented with a mischievous smile curled into his words.
“I didn’t know I was,” you admitted. The casual indifference in your tone made Loki’s brow twist in confusion. You were telling the truth. He chuckled once through his nose and tried his feather-light touch near your shoulder, settling on scar that ran from your rotator cuff to somewhere concealed beneath your clothing. You shuddered and sniffled once, maybe in a small breathy giggle.
“Not one person has ever tickled you?”
You shook your head. “Why would they?”
Loki found himself at a loss for words. He could explain it was a form of playfulness, of affection, often used as an excuse to put your hands all over someone who’d taken your eye. He could tell you it was meant to be a game, to be fun, to punish for cheekiness or that some found it alluring. He held his tongue, knowing any one of those explanations implicated him as someone who wanted to have you close.
He decided on, “It’s a common experience.”
“I don’t have a lot of those.”
“There’s a first time for everything,” he smirked and quickly found the sides of your ribs, pressing and wiggling his first two fingers into the bare skin. He felt you flinch before you crumpled backwards against him and let out a stream of surprised laughter. Your arms had pressed themselves to your sides and a uncharacteristic grin had spread its way across your cheeks. Loki‘s eyebrows shot up in surprise as your shoulders landed in his lap, and he stayed in that surprised state as you made no moves to get away from him.
“That… it…” You seemed to be attempting to describe why you reacted the way you did, so Loki returned your grin with a wide smirk.
“It tickled,” he finished with a warm chuckle. You quirked an eyebrow and started to realise your position. Desperately wanting you to know it was okay to stay where you were, Loki‘s eyes latched on to the scars that laced the fire-lit skin on your belly. Fewer than on your back, but your stomach and sides still had their fair share. He sighed sadly, and you followed his eye.
“You don’t need to feel sorry for me,” you said in a low, reassuring voice.
“You’ve been torn to bits,” Loki‘s face fell. He shifted his hand over and ran his thumb along a jagged scar halfway between your side and your stomach. To his delight, you winced and squirmed, bringing a hand down to grab his. “Alright, I refuse to believe you‘d no idea you were ticklish,” he teased, evading your fingers to flit around the skin as it twitched beneath his touch. You spluttered and brought your other hand down to attempt to catch him. “You’re allowed to laugh,” he teased further. “It’s actually the whole point.” He pinched his hand at your hip on that last word and, after a surprised squeak, you shot a hand to your mouth in horror at the sound you’d just made.
“Ohokay,” you laughed nervously and lurched forwards. “Enough of that.”
As soon as you’d sat up, Loki opened his legs and reached his arms around your waist, pulling you back against his chest. “That’s actually not up to you.” You seemed too surprised by the move to fight it. Then, he remembered: you were a Widow. You’d have fought it if you wanted to.
Loki’s heart beat harder as you let yourself be captured by him, only wriggling a little bit in his strong hold as he shifted his palms to rest at your sides.
“What are y-”
“Darling, you may not understand the politics of what is about to occur, but I have no doubt you’ll learn very quickly.” With that, he dug his wiggling fingers into the soft skin behind your sides and chuckled with delight as you immediately fell into a squirming laughter.
“Wait wahait!” Your warm laughter filled the cabin as Loki’s amused chuckles mixed in. “L-Loki!” You gasped as he pulled one hand away and grazed it under his other arm, skittering his fingers at the bare skin on your belly just above the waistband of your shorts. That really got you laughing. You yelled out in shock before throwing your head back against Loki’s shoulder, your chest heaving with laughter. You kicked your feet out and closed your hands around the fingers flitting at your navel, successfully wrapping them tight enough to stop them on their path.
“Tsk, you’re no fun,” Loki turned his head and teased his whispering lips near your ear, unwrapping his other arm to target the sensitive skin on your belly. Now free to move your body, you twisted between his lap with all ten fingers still wrapped around his one hand, but Loki’s arm caught you and held you sideways, both of your legs draped across his one of his. He looked upon your playful and warm smile, and it was the perhaps the most carefree he’d ever seen you.
Gods, what he’d give to kiss you right now.
Oh. That was a thought he’d tried to suppress.
He looked back at your stomach and focused in on a scar, wondering if he could get you talking and keep you like this for just a bit longer. “This one,” he nodded, firming his hand under and around your waist to keep you close to him without tickling you. You precious thing, you leaned your side against his chest and released his hand to let him trace the skin once more.
“Careful,” you warned with a coy grin before reclining and looking at the skin Loki traced. A soft smile stayed beautifully on your lips as you tensed, trying not to squirm away from Loki’s touch. “That was from a scimitar,” you said, barely above a whisper. His fingerprint grazed the scar with enough pressure to not be unbearable, and he felt you relax into him once more.
When he soon lightened his touch as he travelled to another bullet wound, you giggled once and turned to hide your face against his chest. Oh, this was undeniable. Loki found his jaw tensing as he forced himself to look away and try knocking some sense into his mind.
You’re a god, he told himself. A powerful, brilliant, god. Midgard has made you weak. Filled you with sentiment.
Loki cursed himself as he longed to pull you even closer. How much easier this would all be, he thought, if you were simply beautiful; he could be himself about it. Seduce you, proposition you, see that gleam of desire in your eye, throw you against the wall and kiss you senseless until you’d both had your fun. But you weren’t just beautiful and you weren’t just a piece of fun. That made things, for him, uncharacteristically complicated.
Loki tried to listen as you told him the story of the scimitar scar. How you’d fought, how you’d escaped, how you managed to get them in the end. There was an eerie calmness in the way you so easily described how you killed an enemy, and Loki saw too much himself in that. It was perhaps his least favourite thing about you.
There were many things about you that were like him. But so many that were the polar opposite.
Your lives began the same way. Both of you cast out, both of you taken by an enemy. However, those who’d taken him in cared for him, taught him to live well, given him love and a family. Those who’d taken you did so knowing they’d throw you away the second you were deemed to be unworthy, useless, degenerate. Much as King Laufey had seen him.
Where Loki’d been given attention and love, you’d been given training and reprimand. Where he’d been given a title and a brother, you’d been given a number and an alias. When he’d been given a chance to break free from his expectations, he attempted tyranny. When you’d been given the same chance, you saved the Avengers’ mission from failing. You became a hero.
How he wished he could bend time and trade places so you could have grown up in the golden palace of Valaskjalf, having flowers braided into your hair, being taught arts and languages and that you were worthy of so much more than the life you’d been made to live. Perhaps then you’d know how you were far too good to be falling all over the lap of the likes of him. Maybe if you’d received true love growing up, you’d be less okay with a would-be tyrant’s hands all over you.
But he could not change time, and he could not change you. The more he settled into the feeling of you against his arms, his legs, his chest, the feeling of your skin against his fingers, the less will he had to pull away and declare you foolish for trusting him like this. Eventually, your story ended, and the way you smiled contentedly got the best of him. So he moved his fingers to a lightened and raised patch of skin just below your ribs.
“Another Soviet slug?” He poked his finger into the scar. You twitched and gave him a scolding look.
“Some empathy you’ve got,” you scoffed. “I‘ll have you know that was a good old fashioned Midwestern American cop.”
“Ooh,” Loki winced. “That’s got to sting.”
“The wound? Healed. My pride? Irredeemably shattered.”
“And now it’s a reminder that even a slippery little spy can be sniped by Ohio’s finest,” Loki taunted with another tickling dig at the wound. You bit back a laugh and grabbed his hand.
“Michigan‘s finest” you corrected. “And it was point-blank. Hardly sniped.”
“Perhaps I’ll try erasing this one for you. It seems to be particularly painful.” Loki winked and flatted his palm over the wound to seep his magic into your skin, clawing all five fingers against the flesh they rested upon. You yelped and fell back into giggles, pressing harder into his chest as you sought refuge from his hand. “Come now, you’re stronger than this,” Loki ducked down to make you look at him as he teased you. You hid your face again, but then pulled back and thrashed as the hand holding you close joined the attack, fingers hooking into a space on your lower ribs. “Oho! Some fight in you, now?”
As he redoubled his effort at your ribs, he slid the hand at your side down to knead at your hipbone. You burst into loud laughter, shaking in ticklish helplessness as Loki’s attack on one side of your body kept you pulled into him. When you finally gained control of the arm that’d been clamped over his attack on your ribs, you wrapped your fingers around the hand at your hip and yanked on it through your laughter. He responded by twisting out of your grip, snatching your wrist, pulling it away from your body and slithering the hand at your ribs up to dig into the soft skin beneath your arm.
“H-HEHEY!” You yelled and thrashed in his hold, twisting your body almost entirely towards him as you laughed heartily into his chest. He took the chance to pull you close, your chest flush and sideways against his, his fingers still wedged beneath your arm and digging into the soft skin. He grazed the fingers of his other hand down the width of your back as his free arm hooked under your torso and grabbed at your waist. “Okahay! Okay, Lokihi!” You laughed hysterically and squirmed against his trapping hold.
“If this is truly your first time being tickled, I certainly can’t go easy on you, can I?” Loki teased with his lips dangerously close to your ear. “We’ve got a lifetime to make up for, darling.”
“Oho my GOHOD!” You giggled, then shrieked into his bicep when he used the the fingers at your waist to scratch maddeningly at your bare skin. His fingers quickly found the unevenness of another scar, making him grin with a devious idea to tease you further.
“Tell me about this one,” he spoke casually, wiggling his fingers over the raised skin. You yelped and jumped, still clamping your arm hard against his fingers twitching in your armpit. “Tsk, it’s a rather sensitive one,” he taunted, quickly swiping at it with one finger as he wiggled his thumb into the side of your belly. You threw your head back and laughed even harder. Loki was delighted to see your closed eyes, rosy cheeks and the big ticklish grin spread into your cheeks. “Ignoring me isn’t going to help your case,” he scolded in a gravelly whisper, scratching four fingers at the scar. “Quite the opposite, in fact.”
You let out a giggly scream against his shoulder and finally manoeuvred your body to roughly twist away from him. You tumbled out of his lap and rolled a few feet in front of him, landing on your back as you sought to catch your breath. Loki, seeing the enjoyment in your body language, went after you.
He was beside you in a second, grappling with you for your wrists until he caught one in each hand. He chuckled as he swung a leg over your hips, “You’re a quick learner,” he smirked. “So I should explain tickling is also a method used to extract information. Tell me the story of that scar.”
“Torture doesn’t work on me,” you scoffed as he pinned your wrists above your head in one of his own hands. “If you don’t believe me, you could dig up Mikhail’s bones from the Caspian Sea and ask him.”
“Consider this a bribe, then,” Loki squinted at you, reading your willing cheekiness in the way your eyes gleamed with firelight. He, ever so softly, began grazing his fingers against the scar. Those same sparkling eyes shut as you took your bottom lip between your teeth. “I’ll stop if you tell me.”
“Yohou’re a menace,” you huffed between giggles, clearly trying to surmount if you could block out the feeling.
“Such a shame you’ve had no training on how to withstand this,” Loki sighed.
“P-perhahaps I’ll have you trahain me,” you grunted, then giggled harder when he picked up the pace of his fingertips. “S-seems like a- AH! Aha good skihill,” you fell into more solid laughter as Loki wiggled his fingers deeper against the skin.
“And relinquish my advantage?” Loki chuckled, “Tell me the story.”
He grinned as you tried to suppress a shriek and fell into frantic laughter when he hooked a thumb against your lowest ribs, wiggling it into the spaces between the bones. “AHH!” You yelped out and jolted when he found a particularly sensitive rib, focusing his efforts there as you were clearly attempting to begin blocking your mind against it.
“None of that,” he tutted, releasing his hand to not give you the time to get used to the sensation.
You huffed up at him and started to catch your breath. “How do I block it out?”
He smirked and fluttered his fingers against your exposed underarm. Your heel slammed into the ground behind his back as you laughed breathily, sniffing and trying to turn the feeling into something bearable. Just as he saw you begin to stop struggling as hard, he dragged his fingers up to tease against the impossibly soft skin of your inner bicep.
“W-whahat?!” You wheezed and kicked your feet harder, digging your bare heels into the rug in an attempt to gain traction to throw Loki off of you. He began lightly scratching all five fingers against the skin and you shattered the cool mountain air with high-pitched laughter.
“This is most entertaining,” Loki mused, trailing his fingers over to graze at your neck. You shuddered beneath him and bit back breathy giggles, twitching under his touch.
“H-hohow are thehere so many pla-haces?” You winced and giggled as he kept your nerves on edge.
“You may be exceptionally ticklish.”
“Dahammit. T-teach me,” you growled and looked up at him firmly. “How to withstand it.”
Loki sighed and smiled, “Where does it tickle most?”
“Around that scar,” you nodded towards the place where your stomach met your side.
“Lesson one,” Loki placed his fingers back on that space. “Never give up your vulnerabilities.”
You fell into loud laughter when Loki began scratching his fingers against the sides of your belly. He grinned as you thrashed wildly beneath him, arching your back only for him to spider his fingers in the very centre of your stomach where it had lifted highest off the ground. You slammed your back down onto to carpet and fell into hiccupy giggles.
“Besides, I recall this spot being rather effective,” Loki called to you, then latched his hand around your hip and drilled his thumb into the soft space next to the bone. He was beyond pleased to watch you jolt and fall into desperate cackling, your legs scrambling behind him. So he released your hands in favour of attacking both hips simultaneously, an endeared smile pulling across his cheeks as you, stomach tensed, weakened by laughter, tried to sit up to fight him off.
Your grip tugged at his shoulders, then fell to his forearms and then to his wrists as his onslaught brought you back to your laying-down position. You simply couldn’t hold yourself up, disoriented from the relentless steady drilling of his thumbs against your hips. He was so focused on your rosy laughing cheeks, he surprised himself when his body reacted to some icy fingertips tickling at the skin of his lower belly. He flinched backwards, holding in a laugh, and grabbed at your wrists that you’d slipped beneath his shirt.
“You are learning,” Loki smirked.
“Let me have a turn,” you panted.
He felt laughter rumble through his chest as you pulled on your wrists. “That’s not how it works.”
You cocked an eyebrow. “I let you tickle me.”
“You let me?” Loki laughed again.
Your eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “… Yes?”
Loki felt his heart beat warmly against his chest as he couldn’t stop the amused grin spreading into his cheeks. Even if you thought you could escape, you hadn’t wanted to. Loki smiled, beyond endeared.“Why would you let me?”
“Isn’t it supposed to be some kind of bonding exercise? It’s supposed to be fun.”
“I suppose.”
“Then…” You shrugged as best you could with your wrists in his hold, “Why wouldn‘t I?”
“You’d really submit to my hands all over you, weeding out your little weak points?” The question tumbled from his lips before he had the wherewithal to stop it. Immediately regretting it, he followed up with, “Besides, I don’t believe you’re in the position to be making demands.”
Loki couldn’t have explained how it happened, what the exact sequence of events was, the way you twisted your hands or turned your body with deadly precision, but he knew that in less than three seconds he went from a position of power to being flat on his back with your legs around his waist and your hand at his throat.
You leaned in and let a smile come to your cheeks at Loki’s surprise. Your hand at his throat wasn’t holding hard, just enough to make your point. “I let you,” you repeated. His eyes locked with yours, the licks of flame sparking in your gaze. He again wondered if he should offer to conjure you some more clothes, but you still seemed perfectly comfortable considering you hadn’t made a move for your dried laundry on the armchair. “Will you let me?”
Loki had to chuckle at the question. “You’ve still got lots to learn, love.” He brought his hands to your hips and sat up slowly underneath you, giving you the chance to unfold your feet and slide down to sit in the gap between his legs, your knees slightly bent over each his thighs. The earnest and somewhat confused look in your eye pulled on his heart. How had you never done this before? It seemed such a basic universal experience. “Tickling isn’t something participants usually submit to,” he explained, taking your hands in his.
“Why not?”
“It can be unbearable. Too much.”
“But not always.”
“Not always. And some pretend to not submit, as the chase can be part of the fun, but they enjoy the playfulness and the intimacy nonetheless.”
“Intimacy.”
“Hmm, yes,” Loki looked at your hands before guiding them to either side of his waist, slipping them beneath the hem of his shirt. “Pure romance, it is,” he murmured, “Knowing someone’s most ticklish spot.”
“How so?”
“There’s an inherent intimacy in bestowing that trust. Allowing someone to know just how to touch you,” Loki said, his voice low and thoughtful as he handled your palms in his grasp, the pads of his fingertips taking in the ridges and callouses. “Giving them the power over you. Knowledge of how to pull you apart with their bare hands.”
“What are you doing?
“You ask a lot of questions.”
“I have a lot of questions,” you said, watching curiously as Loki settled your hands against the bare skin of his sides. “I don’t understand things like this.”
“I’m letting you have a turn,” he sighed, thanking every god he knew that no one could see him now. Not Thor, nor the Warriors Three, the Avengers or the other agents. How they’d laugh at the mighty God of Mischief submitting himself in such a way. “You’ll have to be quick. I‘ll fight you from instinct.”
Having learned from Loki, you took to scratching and wiggling your fingers against the skin on his sides where he’d placed your hands. Your touch sent ticklish sparks through his muscles, up his torso and into his neck. Loki clenched his fists on the ground and they turned white as he willed himself to not reach out and stop you.
“You’re not laughing,” your brow lowered in annoyance, and you slipped your hands around the front to flutter your fingers against the centre of his belly. A deep rumbling laughter bubbled over from his chest at the feeling of your fingers lightly prodding against the vulnerable area. “Ah,” you nodded, then grinned, and became a little braver. Throwing yourself against him you wrapped your arms all the way around his waist and dug your fingers deep into the backs of his ribs. Laughter ripped through Loki’s chest, he brought his arms up to wrap around your shoulders so he wouldn’t grab your hands. He let himself twitch and laugh under your searching fingers until he couldn’t stand it any longer and made a play for your arms.
“There you ahare,” he sniffed and smiled down at you. The goofy grin on your face told him you’d had far too much fun.
“That was nothing compared to what you did to me,” you argued, pulling on your hands to signal the intent to continue.
“You’ll have to get stronger then, little spy,” he smirked. “A god doesn’t submit to such things.”
“You just did,” you argued further.
“Perhaps we’ll have a proper grapple in a place better suited,” Loki nodded to the fireplace and released your wrists. “Then you can try earning it.”
“Earning your most ticklish spot?” You asked, head hung as you inspected your sensitive scar with your own fingers. He bit his tongue, unravelling the implications behind your words whilst watching you try repeating the movement against your own skin.
“It won’t work on yourself,” he explained, avoiding your question. You looked up quizzically, prompting him to explain further. “If your body fully understands what it is, if your own hand is performing the action, it won’t work.”
“I suppose that makes it more romantic.” You commented innocently, squinting a bit. “Because you can‘t figure out your most ticklish spot on your own. You need someone else.”
Loki’s mouth twitched into a nervous smile. “I suppose.”
“So I need to tell my brain it’s not a threat,” you nodded, turning back to the facts. “That’s how to overcome it.”
“Correct,” Loki’s smile became tainted with a hint of sadness at the beginnings of the loss of his way to make you laugh. “Master that, and you’ll be immune from my vicious attacks.”
You actually laughed out loud at that, a wide smile pulling onto your cheeks. You looked up at him, eyes soft and full of comfort, then looked back at your own skin. “Vicious?” You chuckled and adjusted the waistband of your shorts before leaning back and propping yourself up with your hands behind you. You looked at the fire, a smile still playing on your lips. “I think that was the most care with which anyone’s ever touched me.”
As Loki looked that the small shadows cast across your torso from where the firelight caught the topography of your scars, he remembered your words from earlier. “In the right context, it weeds out the wimps.” Here you were, completely vulnerable in front of him. Battle history on display, allowing him to touch you, to undo you, to find the places on your skin that made you crumple and twist against him. To laugh with abandon. Engaging in the romanticism of allowing him to know just how to touch you.
You were testing him.
Here you were in very little clothing, falling over him and pulling him close, but what if he was just a beautiful piece of fun to you? What if you were bored, or just looking for satisfaction? For un-aloneness.
Even if you’d had no idea who he was when you first laid eyes on him, you’d certainly have heard the stories by now. You’d know details about what he’d said and done. To Barton, to Romanoff, to the Avengers, to New York, to your world.
Yet here you were, testing him.
As he looked over the collection of your trauma, your skin a map of the suffering you’d endured, it hit him that you remembered each one. The reason it happened, the way it happened. You remembered the pain. Something deep within him emotionally recoiled at the thought of you enduring more pain on account of him. Barton, Romanoff, the Avengers, New York, your world. He’d hurt them all. He’d sooner leave this realm and never return before allowing himself hurt you too.
No, he couldn’t do this.
“You’ve no idea what you’re doing.” The words left his lips, calling out your not-so-subtle ways of tempting him.
“I’ve made that much clear.” You met his gaze and sat up straighter.
Loki chuckled, but more scoffed, and shook his head. “This is madness. You desires are madness.”
“You’re going to sit there and tell me you don’t feel anything?”
“I feel like there’s a very pretty little thing sitting in front of me. One who’s been trying to tempt me all evening.”
“That’s all I am to you?”
Loki clenched his jaw, seeing the skepticism in your eye.
“If that’s the case…” You tilted your head to the side in consideration. “Why hasn’t it worked?”
“Who’s to say it hasn’t?”
You laughed at his words again, pulling your knees back from over his, bringing them to your chest, resting your chin on your arms wrapped around them. You looked to the dwindling fire and sighed. “If I was just a pretty little thing to you…” you looked back at him, a slight victorious smile playing at your lips, “We’d have been in there a long time ago.” You glanced and nodded towards the bedroom, then back to confront him with your stare. “You wouldn’t be asking stories about my scars, threatening captors from my history. You would have kissed me already.”
“Watch yourself,” Loki felt his eyes turn dark.
“But you can’t, can you?”
“Provoking a god is inadvisable.”
“I’m not provoking,” you shot back, sitting up straighter. “I’m giving you a chance to be honest.”
“I’m the God of Lies.”
“Then lie to me. Tell me you feel nothing, then let’s have some meaningless fun.”
“No.”
“You don’t want to, or it wouldn’t be meaningless?”
“I said no.”
A log cracked in the dying fire and Loki saw the flash of confusion cross your face. He set his jaw, giving you nothing with his look.
You nodded and made to stand up. “Understood,” you got to your feet and stepped around him. You didn’t say anything as he heard the sounds of fabric and buckles as you replaced your dry clothes on your body. The dwindling flame would soon only be embers in the stone fireplace. Loki wondered if he should tend to it. Stoke the flame, or let it go cold. The cold wouldn’t affect him as much as it would you, but you’d covered yourself more and there had been lots of blankets in both the bedrooms, so he didn’t touch it.
You walked around the back of the couch towards the smaller room with the smaller bed, boots in hand. “We should leave at first light.” You paused in your doorway, stuck your tongue against the inside of your cheek, cleared your throat, then turned to switch on the small lamp in your room, the one that sat on a table next to you. “What just occured? I won’t bring it up again,” you promised politely, not quite meeting his eye, then shut the door.
The pressure shift in the room extinguished any flame that may have still remained in the fireplace, the smoky embers now glowing as small pricks of orange. The room was mostly dark, now only lit from those wall lamps. Standing and moving to turn off the generator, he let the darkness wash over him. The frosty air, the aloneness of the room, the silence. He could hear you preparing for sleep in the room you’d taken. You were probably sleeping in your clothes to be prepared to run should someone find you two here. The rusty springs of your mattress squeaked a few times, then it was truly silent.
Loki watched the embers fade, focusing his gaze on the blaze’s gravesite as he ruminated on what‘d just occurred. He wished it had bothered him more - that you’d walked out, that you’d promised to never speak of it again. Perhaps he didn’t have feelings for you beyond attraction, if he was able to let you walk out so easily. Or, perhaps, he was too shocked to feel the initial blow and he’d feel the dull ache in the morning, or only see the scars of his decision years down the line.
As he settled himself into his own creaky bed minutes later, he allowed himself to believe he did the right thing by you. It would’ve felt, for lack of a better word, gross. A gross dishonesty to allow you to proceed with him when he was convinced you’d no idea who he really was. If you did, you wouldn’t look at him like that. If you knew the depths pain he was sure he’d have eventually inflicted upon you, you’d never look at him again.
On the trip home and the several days after Switzerland, Loki was surprised to find that you didn’t ice him out after his rejection of your advances. Something had changed, but you weren’t acting like a scorned lover, and that was at least a small relief.
But, again, something had changed. He first noticed it around five days after you’d both returned, the first time you were back in a large group setting. It was a dinner with most of the team and Pepper had entered to announce the anniversary gala being held in honour of Stark Industries the following Saturday. Loki saw the way the table accepted the news and buzzed with the prospect of a party and limitless alcohol, and then he saw Pepper approach you.
“You’re of course very much wanted in attendance,” she smiled warmly. You smiled back, that smile reserved for her that wouldn’t at all hurt her feelings, and you thanked her for her hospitality.
Now, usually, that would be followed by an exchange of looks with Loki. Some sly, meaning-filled flash of your eyes to make a joke or a comment that he’d understand, but you just looked back at your plate, and then over to where Sam was telling some story. Loki looked at you for a few more seconds until his brother commanded his attention, and he regretfully ripped his glance away.
He then realised you’d stop treating him differently than you treated the others. You weren’t unkind, but you’d stopped giving him the allowance of a glimpse into your psyche, into your secret thoughts and quips as a fellow observer on the outskirts of this team. When you’d meet his eye in a conversation, there was not one hint of the fireside vulnerability. No, that vulnerability was left behind in a mountainside cabin belonging to Swiss Nature Conservatory.
Now with the insight of what lay beneath, Loki began noticing, realising, that you always wore clothes that completely covered yourself. He did too, of course, as he always had, but his was a choice devoid of the desire to hide. Whereas your decision to wear long sleeved everything seemed to be a begrudging one. Something you sometimes wished you didn’t have to do. Or maybe it was habit.
It was hard to tell, now, what you really thought about things.
The following Saturday evening Loki heard you still in your room as he passed by on his way to join Thor in a car to the gala. His focus on an adjustment of his cuff link was taken by your sigh, and so he dared a peak into your near wide-open door. There you stood, looking at yourself in a mirror with far too little enthusiasm for how undeniably gorgeous you were. He saw you catch him lurking, but you didn’t acknowledge him, you just moved to sit and pull on some simple strapped heels.
“You’ll be quite warm in there,” Loki commented from your doorway. You didn’t react, didn’t look up from where you were securing the strap of your shoe, not until it was done.
“I’ll be fine,” you replied shortly, standing from your place on the ottoman at the end of your bed, smoothing out the silky fabric of the floor-length black gown. The sleeves hugged your shoulders down to your wrists, the bodice fitted down to the hips until it fell in a shimmering cascade of elegance down to just above your toes. Loki couldn’t help but wonder if you’d been inspired by the dress he’d conjured for you, considering the similarities.
“Is this all you have?” He nodded to the dress as you picked up a simple black clutch purse from the end of your bed.
“Rude,” you scoffed with a wry half-smile.
“It’ll be crowded,” Loki explained. “You look… exquisite, I merely-”
“I chose this dress from a rack of many- did you need something?” You finally looked up and locked eyes with him, and he noticed how well you’d done your makeup. Accentuating all the right features, impeccably applied, highlighting that gleam of attraction in your eye so well he considered perhaps it was always there, not just for him. “Loki,” you caught his attention, walking towards him as you slotted the phone in your purse. “Did you need something?” You stopped right in front of him, looking up into his stare, the way your cheek moved told him you were biting your tongue.
“No,” he responded. You nodded, then fixed your gaze past him down the hallway before stepping around his body and making your way towards the cars. He followed you with his eyes, noticing the only slivers your skin visible below the high neck of the dress were on your hands and feet. Your hair fell in soft waves behind your shoulders, covering the back of your neck.
Yes, you were making it clear: no one gets to see that much of you.
Loki let you round a corner before making his way to the cars, giving you time to chose one that would have no room for him. However, when he got there he found the time you’d taken to get ready meant you were seated in the last vehicle, with no one else in it. He sighed and ducked his head into the doorway.
“I can find another way.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” you chuckled dryly. “Get in, we need to leave.”
The ride there was mostly silent, until near the end when Loki asked if you’d received any more intel. To his relief, you didn’t ignore him. Again, you treated yourself with the dignity of not behaving like a scorned lover, even though he felt he may deserve it for how long he’d let himself touch you that evening.
“That dirty source went dark. Which, I mean… good riddance. Barnes actually mentioned he might have some chatter. Old Winter Soldier contacts.”
“Barnes.”
“Mhmm,” you nodded, looking out the window. It would have been easy for you to make some comment, even spin a lie, about how Barnes was going to join you on the mission. Loki was glad you didn’t, considering the jealousy he already felt rising from his chest to tighten his throat. You even could’ve made some vindictive remark about how that unmarked Soviet slug behind your shoulder wasn’t his, to make Loki think you’d shown your history to someone else out of spite. Somehow, the fact that you hadn’t made it that much worse; it made clear that your vulnerability wasn’t a pawn you played with abandon, but a powerful Queen now retreated behind the army to keep out of harm‘s way.
Romanoff had waited for you outside and when you saw her your shoulders dropped the tension Loki’d barely noticed you’d been holding. A relieved smile formed against your muted crimson lipstick as she looped her arm through yours and led you into the lavish towering building, straight up to the penthouse ballroom.
Loki followed, close by, rode the same elevator, but almost immediately broke off when he stepped out of it into the bustling and crowded room. A large brass band played in the corner and the building was alive with celebration. Stealing a glance at you, seeing you gauge the unfamiliar territory of simply being a guest, he surmounted that you would be okay. Then, he went to find himself a very strong drink.
Elbow against the bar, The God of Mischief looked out over the mass of Midgardians as they ate and drank and schmoozed and pretended to like each and every person they met. Observing the hoards of diamond-laden patrons, he downed his drink and then ordered another. The band kept playing some roaring jazz which, even Loki could admit, was exceptionally well performed. The dance floor opened and several couples jived and spun elegantly, all the people invited to this party being the sort who actually knew how to do that kind of thing without mortally embarrassing themselves in public.
Catching a glimpse of you in a conversation with Sam, Loki set aside his jealousy and allowed himself to be thankful such a man’d found you here. Wilson was gifted at making people feel comfortable, and Loki hadn’t failed to notice that The Falcon was one of the few people who could make you smile on the days you were regressing. Falling inwards.
The more he saw you from across the room, the more he ached for your company. You seemed to be the only person who was on the same page as him at all times, always. He longed for those looks you’d shoot him across the room, the smirks and winks and exchange of information that was held in a lingering gaze. It was more than camaraderie. Much more. Much deeper. Finally, it bothered him that you’d walked out that night in the cabin. That he’d let you. Asked you to.
Thor approached the bar, interrupting his younger brother’s downward spiral, and pulled a bottle from a pocket in his suit.
“Thank the Norns,” Loki sighed, sliding his glass over in request for some of the Asgardian spirits.
“Loki, come talk with the scientist I met.”
“Brother, I-”
“Lurking by the bar all night is not becoming of a Prince, nor an Asgardian,” Thor clapped him on the shoulder, leaving no room for debate with that declaration. Begrudgingly, Loki entered a conversation with a scientist whom he quickly learned was not a bore, and not horrifically ill-informed about matters of the universe. Making sure he was facing the wider room, he listened and discussed with the scientist and his brother for a surprisingly long while, every so often looking up to clock where you were, to make sure you were okay. Which felt unfair to you, that he was keeping tabs.
Then, one time he looked up, he couldn’t find you. The room was crowded, yes, but it was like he’d been attuned to the specific way the light hit your hair. He waited several minutes, because perhaps you were in the bathroom. But he still couldn’t find you. Excusing himself, Loki went in search. Weaving through New York’s elite and the higher-ups at Stark Industries, Loki copped his fair share of scowls and shying aways but he had more pressing matters to attend to. What if you’d left?
After searching far and wide, Loki finally caught a glimpse of someone out on a balcony. The glass door to it was off to an uninhabited section of the room, so he was fairly confident you’d taken your leave there. As he approached the door it again felt unfair to you, that he’d come looking. Let her see your selfishness, Loki told himself as he broke away from the noise and onto the balcony.
New York City had never been quiet, but compared to the tank of sound he’d just stepped out of, this balcony felt as peaceful the corner of the palace library he’d hide away in when he was younger. Or maybe that was just your presence.
You peeked over your shoulder to see Loki approaching, then turned back to the skyline. “I needed some air,” you answered his wordless question as his hand met the rail next to where you were leaning on your elbows.
“It is rather stuffy in there.”
“Come here to gloat about how I should have heeded your advice and not worn long sleeves?”
“I came here for the same reasons as you. I can only stand the people in there for so long.”
He saw you fight a smile. “It feel aimless being here without an objective. I mean, why do people do these things?” You nodded behind him to the party, then finally locked eyes with his, a wry smile on your cheeks. “If not to give assassins the perfect cover. Seriously, they’re just asking for it at this point.”
“Perhaps you should run a seminar.”
“I can’t give away all my secrets. They’ll need them one day.”
Loki remembered your words in the cabin, how you’d assumed Stark and Rogers would use you and Natasha. Use your skills. Use your bodies. He set his jaw, then turned back to look over the city, still several feet away from you. “You don’t trust them. The Avengers.”
You chuckled once, bitterly. “Not yet.”
His eyes narrowed, brow furrowed, his questioning glance still casted over Manhattan. “You trust me. Even after Switzerland. Why?”
“Because you don’t hide the things you’ve done.”
The exchange happened so nonchalantly Loki might’ve blinked and missed it, but it finally made sense to him. His dirty secrets were out in the open, so were many of yours, all of those around you knew about the bad things you’d done. About who you were. You probably saw it as an unfair advantage and you were waiting for the other shoe to drop - to be sent in with a kill order, or to be sent in wearing very little clothing to seduce a target. You were waiting for the moment they revealed that all you were to them was a Widow.
You pulled at the high neck of your dress and Loki saw, even in the early spring air, that you were uncomfortably warm. He sighed and made his offer, “Allow me to conjure you a different dress. You’re clearly uncomfortable.”
“Either I‘m uncomfortable or everyone else is,” you smiled begrudgingly. “Tony caught a glimpse of…” you gestured to your own body, mainly to your back, “All of that, and offered to arrange some kind of laser skin therapy- I don’t know the details,” you brushed it off with a weak wave of your hand, still looking down across Manhattan.
“I thought you didn’t care what people think.”
You were silent for a beat. You smiled, looking up at the cloudy light-polluted sky, then back at your own hands before ducking your head in concession. “I didn’t.”
“What changed?”
You sniffed, your jaw tensed, your mouth curled into a wry smile. “Before I showed you, you looked at me a certain way. I liked the way the looked at me. Now it’s different.”
You’re one to talk, Loki shot the comeback through his stare.
“That wasn’t the reason.” Loki was then silent, prompting you to reply, but you didn’t, so he stepped back in. “I find myself drawn to you in a way I’ve never known,” he spoke to you by way of the night sky. “You know you’re beautiful, there’s no doubt in that, but beauty is easy to resist. Scars or not, you have this… this allure, this charm, an enticing demeanour. That’s a lot of power for a mortal to hold over a god.”
You turned back to the sky and sighed. “So it’s because I’m mortal.”
“It‘s because it wouldn’t have been right by you.”
“What?”
“I not willing to let you become another person I hurt. You’ve no idea who I really am. What I’m capable of.”
“What on Earth gave you that idea?”
Loki let out a breath and looked out over the city he once sought to destroy. “I could see it in your eyes the first day you arrived. You weren’t afraid. You didn’t know me.”
“That’s not true,” you shook your head. “I knew exactly who you were.”
“You don’t know all the things I’ve done,” he continued. “The pure treachery of it all.”
“That’s why you pushed me away?” You stood up taller and turned to face him, placing a hand against the railing much as he did. “Because you’re afraid of hurting me?”
“Look there,” he pointed to an empty lot with a sharpness in his command. “At that building foundation that’s just been poured. That used to be a twenty-two story apartment complex. Would you like to wager a guess at how it came crashing down?”
“This is different, I’m not a building, Loki-”
He digressed, “Or how about a guess at how many were inside when it did collapse-”
“You’re projecting what you did then onto what you might do now. I’m not some brick and mortar that’ll blow up if you get too close!”
Loki seethed in pained frustration. “If I get too close, I will hurt you-“
“You already have!”
If he was a mere mortal man, he’d perhaps have recoiled at the angry desperation in your voice. He set his jaw and shook his head the smallest amount. “This is different. The pain of this is nothing compared to what I’m capable of.”
Your lips parted with the beginning of your response, but you closed them again before looking out over the cityscape. The lights from the city betraying the fact your eyes had gone a bit glassy. Swallowing hard, you shut your eyes, then released a resigned breath Loki hadn’t realised you’d been holding. You looked back over to him and sighed in defeat, near-whispering, “You’ve already hurt me, Loki.”
You took a step forward, taking his hand at the railing and guiding it towards yourself. He allowed you to place his palm against that wildly sensitive place on your side. The one below the bullet hole from Michigan, to the left of the scimitar scar. The scar you hadn’t told him the story of.
He remembered it well. It was long, curved, the wound must have been deep when it was inflicted. The way it widened near the top made him assume a blade had been plunged in and pulled upwards, but he couldn’t know for sure. The fabric of your dress was thin enough, and the scar prominent enough, for him to feel it against his palm beneath your gown.
“No,” he breathed out, feeling a sick twisted knot in his stomach when he realised what you were about to say.
You looked at his hand, closing your fingers around his wrist to hold it there. “I got this scar in 2012. Right here in New York City.” Then, you looked up at him and let the roots of your words catch hold. He very quickly put the pieces together; you had that scar because of his attack.
Because of him.
He set his jaw and tried to pull his hand away, but you held fast. He pulled harder but you stayed firm, stumbling forward with his tug as he tried to take his hand off the horrifying agony he’d inflicted. Loki felt the pain and humiliation, the pure horror, pricking against his eyes as he tried to find the words to meet your sad and earnest gaze. He stopped struggling, taking in the sheer size of the scar, allowing the shame to strike through him as penance.
“I was in the city on an assignment to take out the assistant manager of a hedge fund. I was supposed to make it look like an accident,” you started. “Then, suddenly, the sky opened up. Before I knew it, I was on the wrong end of an ugly alien’s spear,” you said, all too casually. “It actually made my mission a lot easier, considering the invasion took care of it for me.”
Loki winced and tried again to pull his hand away, not feeling he had any right to tell you what to do. “Please.”
“You’ve already hurt me, so what‘s your excuse now?” You took a brave and shaky breath in, finally releasing his wrist. He retracted it like a wounded dog.
The silence hung thick amidst the white noise of the city until Loki managed a small scoff. “I belong in the depths of the Caspian Sea with all others who’ve hurt you.”
“No, you don’t.”
“I’d only hurt you more.”
“I don’t think you will.”
“You deserve far better.”
“And you deserve much more mercy than you’re affording yourself.” You reached out and took his hand, guiding it back towards that place on your side. “As someone who’s felt the pain you can inflict…” He bit back a grimace as he allowed you to drape his palm over the damage he’d caused. “I’m okay, and I forgive you.”
Loki audibly winced at your confession, his heart and eyes and lungs stinging with his regret at pushing you away. Yet, here you were, still close to him. The Queen was out on the battlefield once again. “This is madness,” he choked out. “How can you truly believe I deserve your forgiveness?”
“Because I understand how it feels to be the person the good guys whisper about. The one they think might snap at any second, turn evil, hurt innocent people, and prove that people don’t change. But people do change. Right from the start I could see that in you, and it gave me so much hope,” you smiled as your eyes became glassy with emotion. “Because if you were a really, at the heart of it, a good person who’d done bad things… maybe I could be a good person too.”
And there, then, you gave him that same look you’d given him the very first time he’d seen you. Your eyes were full of contradictory soft stoicism, flashing with both a familiarity and an undeniable desire to know more. He settled his hand more comfortably on your side, relieving you of the need to hold it, but you still did. He looked at where his touch lay, he looked at the way your fingers draped delicately over and around his wrist and the back of his hand, then he looked up to see your eyes hadn’t left him. Then, he finally got his answer.
That look you’d given him hadn’t been one of indifference or courage. It had been understanding.
“You’ve seen far more of me that most,” you swayed your head to catch his eye where his gaze had been fixed to his hand at your waist, taking a reassuring step closer to him. “You don’t need to be afraid of hurting me. You know I can overcome pain. You’ve hurt me before, and I’m still here.”
Loki choked an incredulous breath as he brushed a strand of hair from your cheek, bringing it behind your ear as he laced his fingers through your hair. “Gods, you beautiful, precious thing.” He let your affection wash over him like a wave of relief. Here came the Queen charging down the battlefield, and he’d gladly relinquish his throne.
His hand at your waist slipped around to the small of your back, but you stepped even closer to him before he had the chance to pull you in, and you lifted your head to meet him halfway. He leaned down, and then kissed you with the fire of every shred of forgiveness he could bear to afford himself.
Your arms wrapped around his waist as you pulled yourself closer, deepening the kiss as much as you could without making it uncomfortable for either of you. He could feel your craving desire in how the fabric of his dress shirt became bunched between your fingers and you used anything you could to press into him, forgoing your need for air to kiss him as long as you could stand it. Fearing for you consciousness, he pulled away to force you to breathe, a loving smile pulling at his lips as he saw you pant and sway and look up at him with a sheepishness he hadn’t seen you wear before. “Careful,” he warned, allowing a sliver of his playfulness to return.
You nodded and gulped more air, pulling again at the collar of your dress as you flushed under your desire and the heat of the fabric.
Loki moved to run his hands over your arms. “Please, allow me to rid you of this discomfort,” he looked on earnestly and saw you consider the offer, then nod. Wordlessly, he slid his hands up to your shoulders and, with a flash of golden green, the top-half of your dress transformed under his magical guidance. The high collar dropped to an almost-modest straight neckline that continued all the way around, supported by a thin strap over each shoulder. You visibly relaxed in relief as the cool night air surrounded your skin, and once again pressed upwards into his hands. Just as he had experienced that night in the cabin, Loki found himself completely unwilling to take his hands away from your reassuring nestle.
“Loki.”
A familiar voice from the doorway turned your heads, interrupting your moment of closeness. A quick glance at your eyes nearly made Loki laugh, seeing how annoyed you looked at his brother for interrupting.
Thor informed them there was a speech about to begin, and neither of you should be missing it. A knowing glint in his eye brought a half-smirk to Loki’s lips, then his brother re-entered the party.
“I suppose we-”
You cut him off with another kiss, pulling him down by the lapel of his tuxedo, crashing his lips to yours. His hands found your waist, one of them trailing up your back until his palm lay flat against the uneven bare skin. Then, you pulled away, again a little breathless. “Just making sure that first kiss wasn’t a goodbye.”
The solemn look in your eye and the way your brow furrowed with your declaration brought a smile to his cheeks. “It was certainly not goodbye.”
He removed one hand from your back, using the other to gently guide you back towards the party, relishing in the way you seemed fidgety. Not nervous, but excited, shying closer to him from the anticipation of sharing your next kiss.
When you two settled into a place to stand near the back of the room, his hand moved again, his forearm rest against your lower back as his hand rested on your hip. Pressing into him as much as you elegantly could, Loki had to resist the urge to wrap both arms around you and distract you while Pepper gave her speech. He held you close, every so often giving a gentle and reassuring squeeze of his hand against your hip. You’d always press a little more into him when he did, probably to reassure him as well, or maybe because you were afraid he’d slip away again.
But he would not. You knew who he was, you knew what he’d done, and you were still here. So he would be too.
So when the speech was done and the applause had resounded and the band slowed its music down to a slow and beautiful melody, Loki turned to you and watched as you observed the couples pouring onto the dance floor.
“Do you know how to dance?”
“Of course.”
Without asking further, he began leading you towards the floor. You looked up at him, perplexed, your eyes asking him why you two were wasting time on the dance floor when you’d just had to keep from jumping each other for the past fifteen minutes. He breathed out as he settled you two into the outskirts of the dance floor, placed a hand on your lower back, and took your hand in his.
An uncharacteristically shy smile found its way to your lips, reminding Loki that touch like this was unusual to you. So he pulled you a little closer and led you in a slow waltz. You didn’t put a foot out of place, but you seemed far less interested in the dancing than you were in feeling close to him. The music slowed again, and you pressed your body further against his.
“Careful,” Loki warned, breath hitching in his throat. “Making moves like that. You’ve no idea what it does to me.” You blushed again, bringing pure delight to Loki. He made it obvious that he was scanning your features for any feeling you were trying to hide, and then he pulled you closer so you couldn’t see his smirk, but you could certainly feel it against your ear. “Or, perhaps you do know what it does to me.”
You chuckled, stepping in time with the slow music, squeezing his hand once. “I’m not trying to seduce you.”
He braved a good-natured jab. “Not again, you mean.” He pulled away and led you to turn outwards, which you did with an unmatched grace. Your controlled collision back against his chest brought another blush to your cheeks. A blush Loki was certain you were cursing yourself for not being able to hide.
You cocked your head and put on a brave and playful glare. “I’ll leave it to you next time.”
“Hmm, that’ll be quite the mission,” his whispered low and led you two steps forward, then around with him in a slow gentle spin.
“I’m sure you have your ways.”
“Oh, but I’m sure you’ll take great pleasure in making me work for it.”
“Can’t make it easy for you, can I?” You tilted your chin further up towards him, looking back and forth between his eyes glittering with warm lights strung along the ceiling. “Not after you took me to a nice dinner, tickled me senseless and then let me go to bed alone. Rather rude… for a Prince.”
“Mmm. A Prince, I am,” he smirked back, sliding his arm further around your back to be gripped on your opposite hip. “Riches, palaces, armies, land, anything you desire. How might I make it up to you?”
“I’ll think about it.”
He narrowed his eyes and saw the beginnings of a coy smile crease at the sides of your lips. “You’ve already got something in mind,” he tilted his head to the side, then down in a playfully warning glare. “What are you trying to get from me, little spy?”
“Intel. Some… sensitive information.”
Loki chuckled, licked his lips and stood to his full height, letting himself laugh at the audacity of what he knew you’d be asking him. “That’s what you want?”
Slipping your hand out of his, then looping both around his neck, you shrugged and gave him a cheeky smile. “I’m new to this whole romance thing, and the only thing I know for sure is you said knowing someone’s most ticklish spot was pure romance.”
“So is dancing like this,” he chuckled again and lifted his head so he’d be looking down on you in a way meant to be a little intimidating, just so you’d understand who you were asking this of.
“This party is nice, but I’d much rather be back in Switzerland.”
“For which part?” Loki quirked his brow. “Having knives thrown at you, the wading through snow, the freezing next to the fire? Perhaps the god, crippled by self-loathing, who foolishly let you go to bed alone.” He nearly chuckled. “Pray tell, what about Switzerland do you miss?”
“Being with you,” you answered honestly, casually. “Just you.”
“If you’re not enjoying yourself,” Loki lowered his voice to a gravelly rumble beside your ear. “Might I take you home?”
Loki would’ve used the car ride back to the Compound to run you through the ground rules of knowing such sensitive information about another person, if he’d been able to keep his lips off yours for even a second.
Thank the gods for backseat partitions.
By the time you two stumbled out of the car, breathless and kiss-delirious, he’d completely rid himself of any desire to set any sort of ground rules. Perhaps it was because he knew, when it came down to it, your strength was no match for his and he could easily turn the tables and teach you a lesson if you got too cocky. Or, maybe, it was because the mere thought of missing a potential second of your hands on him was unbearable. He couldn’t be sure. All he knew was as long as you kept looking at him like that, he’d tell you anything you wanted to know.
The empty Compound echoed with the clicking of your heels, the stumbling of his shoes, the slamming of your bodies into walls to steal another moment on your way, then the laugh of delight as Loki swept you off your feet and declared he was done wasting time in the cold and unforgiving hallways. When you tried to pull him off course, to comment that a particular doorway would be a detour on your way to his room, he responded with a playful growl and a slip of his fingers up under your arm to dig into your upper ribs. Then, the empty Compound resounded with your melodic laughter for the rest of the journey to Loki’s room.
“My tuhurn!” You laughed as he slammed the door with his heel, pausing his tickling fingers to duck down and captured your giggling protesting lips in another fiery kiss. After several seconds you broke away, shaking your head. “You’re not getting out of this.”
“Darling…” he kissed your cheek sweetly before smirking, “I’d never dream of it.” He pulled away and you looked up at him, squinting a bit as your jaw slackened.
“God of Lies, you finally lied to me,” you smirked before you broke into a grin, then let out a yelp of surprise as Loki spun and fell down backwards onto the bed with you still in his arms. He pulled you in for several more long and fervid kisses, trailing his lips along your jaw and down your neck until he hit a sensitive spot, making you giggle and instinctively push him away.
He caught you before you could go too far. “Are you sensitive here, my little spy?” he chuckled, pulling you close and grazing his teasing lips over the spot to watch you shiver and giggle. “My… aren’t you just the most delightfully ticklish thing.”
“Okahay, enough!” You pushed yourself away with a final giggle before settling yourself atop him, hiking your dress above your knees to straddle his waist. “Tell me.”
“I’ve honestly no idea how I’ll keep myself from throwing you off into a wall,” Loki admitted with a resigned grimace, then removed his hands from where they sat at your legs. He laced his fingers together and used them to cradle his head, but more to keep them out of your way.
“I’m sure you’ll figure it out,” you smirked, then raised an eyebrow to ask that same question.
“There you are,” Loki muttered, motioning with his eyes to the space under his arms he’d exposed for you to attack. You gave him an unimpressed look.
“You have a tux on. Take the jacket off at least,” you crossed your arms and huffed, quite adorably, so Loki smirked and obliged. In a brilliant flash of magic, he’d changed himself from his black tuxedo into a long-sleeved black shirt and matching pants. To tease, though, he added a large chainmail vest. “Loki!” You swatted at him and he laughed, the allowed the chainmail to disappear.
“I should warn you,” Loki felt his stomach tense as you brought your fingers closer to his torso. “This opportunity will not present itself again.” You shrugged, nodded and smiled wider as you watched him tense further, instinctively shying away from your approaching fingers. “AND- and,” Loki chuckled nervously, eyeing your fingertips mere inches from his ribs. “We’re fihinding yours after this,” he declared.
You smirked in response. “Stop trying to make me go easy on you. It won’t work.”
Loki scoffed, narrowing his eyes. “You cheeky little-mmm,” he was cut off by your fingers touching down at his ribs, when he sealed his lips to try holding in his reaction. Unfortunately for him you appeared to be a quick leaner, very effectively sending ticklish shocks in the wake of your fingers.
“Oh, not so tough now, are you?”
“Wahatch your tongue,” Loki growled, some laughter slipping through his lips. You cocked a grin and brought your hands higher, prodding at his uppermost ribs, wriggling your fingers into the divots of his bones. “Gehet on with it!” Loki coughed a laugh and glared through his tensed jaw. You grinned wider and descended your fingers against the thin fabric covering his armpits, scratching and clawing your fingers firmly against the vulnerable area.
The Prince of Asgard shut his eyes and burst into a deep, bright ticklish laughter as you alternated between the firm fluttering and devious digging at the the susceptible spot. You were quick and agile, ensuring to make good use of the limited time you’d have. Just as he thought he may lose control and throw you off, Loki’s laughter-laden lips were semi-captured with your own as you kissed him through your grin and his laugh, not letting up on your attack.
Unable to stand leaving his arms behind his head, he whipped them down and took your face in his hands to kiss you as hard as he could while still laughing. He’d trapped your hands under his arms when he’d sealed off the space, and you were still going at it while giggling and you two were failing to kiss each other properly. And as if you couldn’t get any more precious, you pulled your hands away before it became too much for him, and planted your elbows either side of his head, hovering your face over his to kiss him properly.
Loki’s hands ran firmly over your sides, hips, legs, back, neck, everything he could touch and pull you closer by as he kissed you with a fiery passion. “My love,” he panted, pulling away to look you in the eyes. “I hope you understand your mercy has no effect on mine,” he lowered his voice to a teasing growl and watched the breath catch in your throat. “We’re going to have so much fun figuring this out together.”
And so Loki set out on your shared mission, ignoring the protests he knew you didn’t mean, using his mischievous fingers to seek out your most sensitive spots. He relished in the way you melted into his touch, let yourself laugh without a care in the world, not at all attempting to conceal how he was setting your nerves alight. Every so often he’d pause his torment to allow you to catch your breath, only to steal it again with a deep, consuming kiss. Most times he did, you managed to distract him long enough to test another spot of his and finding, to your delight, his hips were nearly as ticklish as yours.
He made sure you picked your moments carefully, never above the threat to use his magic to fix you to the bed and turn you into a begging, ticklish mess. “Perhaps another time,” you’d winked before kissing him once more. Loki’s eyebrows shot up in surprise at your agreement, but he filed the permission away to use at a later date if you ever became far too cheeky with him.
Knowing you, intimately acquainted with your battle history, Loki couldn’t blame you for how much you enjoyed the playful game. Especially not after your admission in the cabin - that him tickling you had been the most care anyone’d ever had when physically engaging with you. He’d thought about that a lot, and wondered if you’d still be as keen for this playful game after you learned all the gentle ways he could hold you.
So after you two discovered that you were definitely most ticklish just above your knee, on the sensitive skin of your leg, he relented on his fact-finding tour and wiped a happy tear from your temple before falling beside you and pulling you in close to his him, smiling at how your cheek rested so perfectly on the space where his shoulder met his chest.
He teased you for your dramatic silent-laughter reaction, for how hard you thrashed when he’d dusted his fingers across the skin. How you’d finally begun begging after he’d laid himself across your hips, facing your feet, pinned your knee to the mattress and traced quick fluttering circles all over the soft skin of your inner lower thigh. How you squealed in breathless laughter and helplessly grabbed at his shirt when he trailed five fingers in a blossoming motion, opening and closing, maddeningly lightly against the inside skin of your quivering leg. Loki promised you he’d only use it if you absolutely deserved it.
Then, he silently promised himself, even if it meant you became less keen for this playful game, he’d teach you the kindness of touch.
He didn’t see you as fragile. No. That much was clear. But you’d asked him to teach you things, and you were a quick learner. So as you laid on his chest, he ran his fingers through your hair and tightened an arm around your waist to pull you as close as you could comfortably be. There was a stammering hesitance in the way you’d respond, this affection being so new to you, but you seemed desperate to respond in a way that let Loki know you were happy, here, with him. Still here, with him.
He kissed you, sweetly, on your lips, your cheeks, your eyelids just to make you giggle and then let out a content sigh and ran a soothing hand over your back. Somewhere in the scuffle you’d asked him to conjure you a tank top and shorts; the fine silk was of the gown getting in the way and had tangled around one of your legs. Through the fabric of the clothes he’d placed on you, he felt the tumultuous surface of your skin as it rose and fell with the chronology of your pain.
He knew there’d be more bullet wounds, more gashes from daggers and scimitars, more burns and grazes. But next time it would be different, because he would be there.
You were tenacious, a firecracker, unwilling to sit still or stay on the sidelines. Unwilling to leave so many women out in the world under control of the worst man to walk Midgard. But not one more scar would mar this body, he promised himself. As long as he was there, you’d have no more permanent memories of your hurting. Only of a kind touch. Only of a tender kiss, a wildly ticklish spot, his fingers through your hair as he worked the tension away with every caress.
He couldn’t change time, and he couldn’t change you. In fact, he did not want to change you. But perhaps he could not only teach you the kindness of touch, but, over time, he could teach you arts and languages and that you were so much more worthy of the life you’d been made to live.
And perhaps, over time, he would learn some things too. Such as the depths of you knowing him, the depths of your affections for him. He held you close and breathed you in, still in awe that those two things could go hand-in-hand. It’d always seemed impossible.
Yet, here you were, looking at him like that.
So on the days he was tempted to regress inwards, to deny himself forgiveness and to paint himself as nothing more than a villain, he’d look into your honest eyes and remind himself that here you still here; forgiving him, understanding him, knowing him, and wanting him all the same.
Summary/Context: With everything forgiven, a new chapter opens for you and Loki’s story. You settle into a new routine, and everything starts to make a little more sense now that you’ve come back to each other.
Warnings: none really! Mentions of trauma a little
Taglist: @soulpiercing @oziozzioslo
Author's Notes: I hope you all have enjoyed this series! Sorry for the wait on this last chapter, life has been busy. I will take requests for more parts of this series or one shots with different ideas with Loki outside of this series!
Word Count: 2,964 words
You could feel a soothing, steady movement beneath you as you returned to consciousness. You could hear the gentle whisps of someone breathing beside you, a weighted warmth around you that was comforting. You could smell that familiar, particular scent that reminded you of home. Your eyes fluttered open, and you glanced up at the face of the body you had been sleeping on.
Loki’s eyes were still closed, his hair slightly spread around him, his expression uncharacteristically calm and peaceful. He was asleep, his body relaxed beneath you. He looked so unlike himself when he slept, his face at such an ease that would never be seen in his concious expressions. You paused for a moment and studied his features – the soft curve of his lips and nose, the dip in his cheeks, his eyelids, his strong jaw, his jet black hair. He was beautiful like this.
And to think – you were the only person who ever got to see him like this.
You smiled to yourself at the thought, at the sight of him, and at the warm feeling in your chest. Every part of you craved to be close to him like you craved air to breathe – like an essential need. You couldn’t help but feel grateful to be with him like this again. To feel his closeness again. To be honest about what you truly felt again.
His eyes fluttered open, his very blue gaze meeting yours immediately. You remained in that gaze for a few moments, a comfortable silence enveloping you as you both returned to the waking world. He blinked at you, studying your features as you studied his.
“Good morning, darling,” he broke the silence, his arm around you stroking your shoulder gently. His voice was wonderfully raspy, crackling from having just woken up.
“Good morning, Loki,” you bid him softly, smiling lazily up at him. His smile mirrored yours, and you went back to gazing at one another for a few moments.
You snuggled into his chest, then, wrapping your arms around him in a tight hold. You sighed contentedly when his arms wrapped around you, and he chuckled.
“I say we hide away from the world until Monday,” you said, and he chuckled again beneath you.
“I can be in agreement with that,” he agreed, squeezing you gently.
Another beat of comfortable silence.
“Why does it feel like everything is right in the world, suddenly?” You asked, turning to look up at Loki. He pondered your words for a moment.
“Because everything feels right inside you, darling,” he said, one hand tucking a strand of hair behind your ear. “As it is inside me, now that we’re with each other. Perhaps we’re each other’s missing piece.”
You grinned up at him. He grinned down at you.
“When did you become so cheesy and sweet?” you teased him. He chuckled before grabbing you quickly and flipping over so that you were under him.
“When I realized I could have another chance with the most perfect woman in all of the nine realms,” he whispered, leaning down to kiss you. His kiss was soft, loving. You smiled into it, arms wrapping around his neck.
Soon enough, the passion began to deepen, and the same intimacy of the night before occurred again in the glow of the quiet morning.
Afterwards, you were back in the same position as before, head resting on Loki’s chest as you both caught your breath.
And suddenly, your stomach growled – loudly.
“Are you hungry, darling?” Loki asked, unable to contain his chuckles at the timing of your grumbling stomach. You giggled, too, nodding.
“The last thing I consumed was alcohol, so yes,” you laughed, sitting up in the bed. “I’m thirsty too.”
But then, you groaned.
“I don’t want to socially interact with anyone,” you whined, turning to Loki. He only chuckled before flashing you his classic smirk.
“Oh, don’t you worry, I know just the thing, darling,” he assured you, climbing out of bed to get dressed. You followed suit, putting on some comfortable clothes, all of which were his.
You turned back to him as he walked towards you, chuckling.
“You look ravishing in my clothes, darling,” he said, before pulling you into him and placing a kiss on your lips. “I’m going to go retrieve breakfast for you, my starving girl.” You smiled up at him, pulling him into a hug.
“Thank you, Loki,” you said, and he squeezed you in response before pulling away. His eyes met yours in an intense gaze.
“I love you, [Y/N],” he said tenderly, and you beamed up at him.
“I love you,” you returned.
He left one last kiss on your lips before leaving to get breakfast.
When Loki returned rather quickly, he came with a feast: pancakes, eggs, bacon, hashbrowns, fruit, coffee, and tea.
“Where did you get all of this?” you questioned him, staring at all of the food in awe – and undeniable hunger.
“Let’s just say Natasha was quite confused when her utensils and food were disappearing behind her back,” Loki chuckled, and you gasped.
“You did not pull that off!” you shrieked, giggling as you imagined an invisible Loki stealing food from Natasha.
“Well, yes,” he said, chuckling nervously. “And no. I think she was onto me.”
You burst into a fit of laughter, and Loki laughed alongside you.
“You really are an expert in mischief,” you shook your head at him, smiling fondly.
“Well, that’s what the title says, darling.”
After you scarfed your breakfast down ravenously, you and Loki decided to catch up a little more on just what exactly had happened in your lives for the past several years you had been apart.
You told him about the time you had spent on Asgard and the continued traumatic events with your husband and parents that occurred up until you left, leaving out the more painful details for another time. You told him how you managed to escape, coming to Earth, and the first year you spent on your own before joining the Avengers. And then, you caught him up on the last year as an Avenger.
He told you about how he had come into contact with the people who then mind controlled him into attacking New York. He still blamed himself, though — something you couldn’t convince him out of. He swore his own anger was the fuel to it all, instead of the mind control, as much as you tried to change his perspective.
He then detailed the time he spent in the prisons of Asgard, until he was released, and the grief of his mother’s death. He talked about his journey with Thor to kill his mother’s murderer, and then his second faked death, and then his undercover ruling of Asgard before Thor discovered him. And finally, the journey of his father’s death, sister’s return, his time on Sakaar, and the fall of Asgard. All of which led him to Earth to become an Avenger, at his brother’s urging that it would be good for him.
“Thor also mentioned that you would be here,” Loki added after a moment of silence. You looked at him, perplexed.
“You wanted to see me?” You asked, smiling slightly. Loki looked at you, a shy smile forming on his features.
“I mean — yes, I did,” he said. “I honestly think you were the main reason I decided to become an Avenger. I don’t know that I would have if you hadn't been here.”
You blinked at him, shocked as you processed his words.
“You came here for me?” You asked, unable to believe him.
“Yes, darling, I guess I thought that was obvious.”
You shook your head no, but then smiled at him.
You couldn’t believe you had spent so much time denying your true feelings for him, trying to convince yourself you should hate him. And meanwhile, he had loved you all along.
“You’re crazy, you know that?” You said to him, leaning in close to him.
“I’ve been told before,” he replied, smirking, as you leaned in to kiss him.
After you pulled away, you stared at him again.
“You really loved me all of this time?” You asked, your eyebrows furrowing as you couldn’t believe the idea of it.
“Yes, darling,” Loki replied, smiling as he watched you. “Ever since we met.”
You smiled, before leaning back in to kiss him again.
And so, you and Loki’s new beginning started with a lot of catching up — and making up for lost time. After discussing your years of separation, you spent the rest of the weekend simply enjoying each other’s company.
And getting up to a little mischief, of course.
You spent some time sneaking around to avoid being seen by anyone when you snuck out to the gardens or to the kitchen for food. Loki’s invisibility magic came in handy quite a few times.
You also might have played a few pranks on some of the Avengers using said magic. This involved lots of confusion on their part, and lots of laughter on you and Loki’s.
You practically moved yourself into Loki’s room, bringing your essential clothes and belongings over for your stay. But, secretly, you hoped you would keep them in his room permanently. Because you wanted to stay in his room permanently.
And then, Monday arrived — which meant back to work for the both of you. It also meant you both would have to face the other Avengers, finally, after hiding away all weekend.
You and Loki woke for the third morning in a row together, still just as excited to be in each other’s company as the days prior. You got ready for work together, and you felt more content to go to work than you thought you ever had. You embraced each other just before leaving, hugging one another tightly and stealing a few more kisses before you made yourselves available to the public.
You made your way to breakfast soon after, walking into the kitchen together, hands nearly touching but not together. As soon as you both arrived, every person in the room turned to stare at you.
“Brother!” Thor shouted, waving his hand. “I haven’t seen you all weekend!”
Loki looked annoyed, turning to look at you before nodding his head at his brother.
“Yeah, I haven’t seen [Y/N] all weekend either,” Natasha said, shaking her head at you. “I was getting worried. You keep disappearing on me! I didn’t even see you leave the party Friday night.”
You stood there awkwardly for a moment before laughing nervously.
“Yeah, I know, I’m sorry!” You managed to get out. Natasha narrowed her eyes at you as you glanced nervously at Loki.
“Were you guys together?” Thor asked suddenly, as everyone looked between the two of you, and how close you were standing next to each other.
Loki surprised you, suddenly, as his arm wrapped around you, pulling you into his side.
“We were, actually,” he said, rather confidently. “We are.”
You smiled up at him, wrapping an arm around him. Everyone looked at the two of you, some with shock, some impressed, and others curious.
“Yes!” Thor shouted, suddenly, jumping in place as he pumped his fists. “I was betting on you guys getting back together, for real. You lose, Bruce!”
Bruce glared at Thor, looking dejected. You laughed, wholeheartedly.
“I just didn’t think they would actually do it!” Bruce exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air. “Although I do support it.”
Natasha and Wanda both smiled at you, as well as Steve, Bucky, and Sam.
“I’m happy if you’re happy, girl,” Natasha said, winking at you.
“Yeah, me too,” Wanda added.
“I’m happy for the both of you,” Steve said, with Bucky and Sam nodding in agreement.
“Thank you all,” you said genuinely, giving all of them a kind smile.
“Personally,” Tony said suddenly, “I think [Y/N] could do better, but I’m not on the hate train. So good for you guys!”
You looked over in surprise at him, but laughed. That was pretty nice, coming from Tony.
You looked up at Loki, gauging his reaction. He was just smiling softly, seeming content with the responses. He smiled wider when he made eye contact with you.
“I always thought you would end up getting back together,” Thor said, grinning at the two of you. “You’re perfect for each other. You’re practically the same person.”
You and Loki laughed as most of the others looked at Thor like he was crazy, but actually, he was pretty close to the truth.
“And, you’re both a lot less crazy now,” he added. “I’d say you have matured. Oh, you know what the humans say, right? They say ’everything happens for a reason!’”
You and Loki squinted at him now, with the others laughing. You rolled your eyes at them after a moment, turning to get food and try to make your way out of the conversation topic.
The day continued without much more fuss about you and Loki, and you both now felt comfortable enough to be closer in front of the others. You still kept it all to a minimum, though, not fully comfortable being vulnerable in front of them with your affection towards each other.
The day was normal, but also wasn’t. The routine was the same, but everything about it felt better now that you and Loki had each other and weren’t at each other’s throats.
You focused at the meeting instead of glaring at each other. And then you did your training session together, having fun as you practiced battle techniques and got some exercise in. Your other work was done in each other’s company, and then you attended dinner together as the work day came to an end.
Everything about your life felt so much more fulfilling with him by your side. He was definitely right — you were the missing pieces in each other’s lives. You brought out the best in each other and gave each other the support and enjoyment you both needed to feel alive.
You realized now that the black hole you had spent the last several years trying to mend was the absence of Loki. He made everything make sense in your life. He understood you, and you both sought after the same things to keep you feeling satisfied. With Loki, you would no longer have to spend your days searching for something to fill the haunting void inside of you.
Because just having Loki by your side was enough to ease all of the ache.
You could be mischievous together, spice up your lives with a little bit of fun when things seemed just too normal or mundane. The simplicity and partnership was really all the both of you needed to be content. Neither of you ever really needed power or approval from your families, you just needed to escape the circumstances you were trapped in to live a life free of others’ control.
To live a life that you could define for yourselves, together.
Later that evening, you and Loki settled into bed for the fourth night in a row. You turned on one of your favorite shows, having forced Loki to start watching it. You were curled into him, as always, as he ran his fingers through your hair absentmindedly. After the second episode started, Loki spoke.
“You know, maybe for once, Thor was right about something,” he said, surprising you. You glanced up at him curiously. “That everything happens for a reason.”
You hummed, smiling up at him lovingly.
“Maybe he was,” you agreed, staring up at him softly.
“He was right that we’ve matured now, so we’ll do better this time,” he said, making eye contact with you as you nodded at his words. “Maybe it was meant to happen that way… we were meant to find our way back to each other.”
You nodded again, staring up at him with a soft smile as you thought about his words.
“We were broken once, but perhaps… we’re bound forever,” he whispered, staring down at you in thought.
He had a point. Maybe you were supposed to go your separate ways to realize things about yourselves and return to each other stronger. Along that same thought, maybe you were meant to be shocked into honesty by your near death scare. And maybe Loki being the one to save you was fate. Maybe it was all meant to happen to bring you back together.
You beamed up at him, but couldn’t stop your giggle.
“What?” He asked, peering at you curiously.
“How poetic,” you chuckled. “And kind of cheesy.”
Loki glared at you, grunting at your teasing.
“I think Thor was definitely right about you changing — you’re so much more of a softie now,” you giggled, teasing him.
He only growled again, narrowing his eyes at you.
“I was trying to be romantic, not cheesy,” he grunted out, sighing begrudgingly. You giggled more and more, and eventually he couldn’t stop himself from joining your laughter.
“It was cute,” you said after you settled down. “And romantic. And I agree, you are right.”
He smiled at you as he leaned down to kiss you. His kiss was full of warmth, and you melted into him.
He was definitely right. You knew that you were forever bound to each other, you always had, since the very first conversation you had in the library of Asgard all those years ago.
But now — you didn’t fear that thought. What once used to haunt you now comforted you, since you finally fixed what was broken and had Loki by your side again.
Now, you couldn’t imagine a world where he wasn’t with you.
Summary/Context: You and Loki get intimate with each other for the first time in years after finding your way back to each other. Having a lot of time to make up for, it's seemingly even better than you remembered.
Warnings: SMUT!!!! 18+ please. Overstimulation, lots of teasing and delayed pleasure, oral fem receiving, p in v, vaginal sex, curse words, mostly dom!Loki and a little brat!reader. Also fluffy though, with a lot of love and aftercare. Definitely has a plot, not just smut, and goes along with the story.
Taglist: @soulpiercing @oziozzioslo
Author's Notes: This is my first time writing smut! I hope it’s good. It took a little while for me to write. I really tried to mix elements of spice and fluff together. Thanks for reading!
Word Count: 4,178 words
Loki’s grip on you was firm as he carried you effortlessly to his bedroom within the Avengers’ compound. Your lips glided together in a frenzy, neither of you paying any mind to watching your surroundings, Loki’s invisibility magic handling your privacy for you.
He pushed open the door to his bedroom rather forcefully, and before you could pull away from his kiss, your back was pushed against the wall, legs parted as his body pressed between them. His persistent lips did not slow for a moment against yours, his hands much the same, exploring your body in all of the right ways.
You moaned into his kiss, your cheeks already flushing as your body began to heat up. Your hands held onto his shoulders to stabilize you as your head began to spin. He had barely even touched you yet, and you were already on the verge of being wrecked, all desperation and neediness for him.
And Loki knew it, too, which explained his subtle yet deliberate teasing.
His strong hands were touching you in all the right places, but just avoiding where you really needed them to be. His soft lips were distracting, his bruising kiss intoxicating, and every time you attempted to pull away, he found a way to draw you right back in.
It had always been like this when you and Loki got intimate with one another. Most of the time, he was commanding, dominant, and enjoyed being in control of you – and while you were happy to play his games, you could be a bit bratty at times. But that’s what made it fun for both of you – you could both be demanding, and the battle for control only made it all more intense and erotic.
But tonight, you were desperate – and you didn’t want to wait any longer for the pleasure you had been longing for for years.
When you finally managed to break away from his kiss, you were gasping for air, moaning his name. This only spiked his confidence, eliciting a chuckle from him as he set you gently on your feet, still pinning you against the wall.
“Something wrong, darling?” He asked cheekily, and you whined as you held onto him.
“I need you, Loki,” you muttered into his neck, kissing the soft spots you found there tenderly. “Please, let’s go to the bed.”
“Oh, my darling, you are so eager for me,” he teased, his breath fanning across your ear. The sound of his smooth voice so close to your ear sent shivers down your spine.
“It’s been so long, Loki,” you whined, your fingers gripping at the fabric of his shirt before slipping under it to feel the bare skin of his muscled stomach.
“Which is only more of a reason for me to take my time with you, love,” he purred into your ear, planting kisses on your neck and collarbone. “I have so much lost time to make up for.”
You only whined again, moaning when he began to nip and suck at the skin of your neck. You panted, trying all you could to get his shirt off of him, but he stopped your hands in their tracks.
“Please, Loki, I can’t wait,” you begged him, whining softly. “I need you.”
He only chuckled again, one hand coming up to push the hair out of your face as he leaned back to make eye contact with you.
“You can’t be that needy, darling,” he insisted, but you only shook your head.
You grabbed his hand, dragging it downwards as you lifted your dress with your other hand. You placed his hand on your cunt over your underwear, pushing his fingers to feel your soaked panties. You watched his face intently for his reaction.
He smirked wider, letting out a small surprised exhale at just how wet you really were.
“Gods, darling, you are dripping for me,” he whispered, his fingers moving your underwear to the side and then gliding through your slick cunt softly. You moaned loudly, hips arching into his touch. His eyes darkened with lust as he stared into yours.
“Tell me,” he began, voice dropping into a low tone. “When was the last time you were with someone?”
“A hookup about a year ago,” you gasped out as his fingers moved slowly through your folds. “But I didn’t cum.”
He chuckled, his eyes watching you intently.
“When was the last time you came?” He inquired.
“The night before last,” you managed to get out breathily. His brows raised in surprise as he snickered.
“Naughty girl,” he teased.
“I was thinking about you,” you confessed, and Loki growled immediately in response. His fingers found your clit, beginning to rub it slowly. You gasped, your moans intensifying.
“One last question,” he growled out. “Who was the last person to make you cum?”
“You, Loki,” you moaned, hips pushing into him even more. “You’re the only one who ever has.”
The next sound he made was closer to a groan than a growl.
“You’ve owned my body since the first time I had you,” you whispered into his ear before biting the lobe gently, your fingers clawing at his back as he continued to tease you with gentle friction.
And then, suddenly, his fingers were gone from where you needed him most, sounds of protest breaking free from your parted lips.
He leaned back, eyes studying your face intensely. His fingers were suddenly tapping on your lips, and you opened your mouth for him. His index and middle finger slipped in, and you tasted your wetness as you sucked it off of his fingers.
The vulnerability of his fingers in your mouth, poking at your gag reflex, only made your excitement grow. He smirked at the sight of your submission to him, before removing his fingers to settle his hands beneath your thighs and lift you once again.
“Don’t you worry, darling, I’m going to take very good care of you,” he said, his eyes dark as he whisked you away from the wall.
You were lying back on the bed before you knew it, sprawled out sinfully underneath Loki’s gaze.
“As much as this dress is ravishing on you, it’s time to reveal what’s beneath,” Loki purred, and wasted no time getting you out of the gown.
You were almost naked underneath him, left only in your matching black lace lingerie set. He growled, his eyes drinking you in hungrily as he towered over you. You tugged at his shirt, and soon he was left only in his trousers. Your eyes drank in the sight of his muscled stomach and chest.
His lips found yours again in no time, his kiss so intense you felt you were seeing stars. After he left you gasping for air once again, his lips began to travel down your neck and to your breasts.
Your bra was removed in a split second, his lips suddenly enveloping one perked up nipple, sucking gently. You moaned loudly, back arching towards him. He glanced up at you, his eyes sparkling madly. His tongue teased the tiny bud for a while, leaving you gasping, moaning, whining, and clawing at him for more. He only responded to your quiet pleas by switching to the other breast, giving it the same attention. He edged you on like this for what felt like eternity, your pussy throbbing at every stroke of his tongue on your sensitive buds.
“Do you need more, darling?” He teased when he pulled away from your breasts. You nodded, panting heavily as your hands gripped his arms, which rested on either side of you.
“Please, Loki,” you whispered, and he smirked at you.
His lips finally traveled further down your body, deliberately taking his time to kiss every inch of your stomach and hips just to edge you further. His hands fondled nearly every part of your body as his lips worked their magic. You were panting, tense as a statue, desperate for any sort of relief for your cunt. It was dripping wet and throbbing, only getting worse the more he teased you. You were beginning to get worked up, frustration building as your body began to sweat simply out of desperation.
His lips finally found your tender area, ghosting over the top of your cunt and placing a gentle kiss where you throbbed for him. You moaned, hips lifting towards his mouth in a silent plea.
And then, he pulled away, returning to hovering over you, face-to-face.
You whined loudly this time, your hands grabbing his sides as you pushed him downwards. He chuckled, frustrating you all the more as he leaned in to place a kiss on your lips.
“What is it, darling?” He asked cheekily, and you pouted, panting pathetically.
“Please, Loki, just touch me, I need you so bad,” you begged him, too desperate to play his teasing games.
“Where?” He asked, playing dumb, before his fingers settled over your pussy through your underwear once again. “Is this it?”
You nodded frantically, your cunt pushing into his hand as you tried to gain some sort of relief.
“Ah, you want me to touch you here?”
You nodded again, pushing into his hand further. He smirked, his eyes turning a darker shade suddenly.
“As you wish, darling.”
He pulled your panties down, then, and his hand wasted no time before touching your sensitive cunt. He slowly rubbed over your folds and clit, just like before, and you moaned loudly, eyes rolling back. Only, a few moments of this treatment passed, and he didn’t speed up or change his rhythm. You opened your eyes, making eye contact with him as he watched you, smirking.
“Loki, I need more,” you whined.
“Hmm, what do you mean, darling?”
“I need your mouth, please, Loki.”
“I think that’s going to take some more begging.”
You let out a sound close to a growl, your frustration building to more than you thought you could handle. His light touches on your pussy were just enough to wound you up tight.
“Please, Loki, I’m so fucking turned on, I need to cum so bad, baby.”
“Hmm, is that right?”
You nodded frantically as he studied you, seeming to take pleasure in your frustration. For some reason, his teasing and denial only turned you on more, but you surely wouldn’t admit that to him. It seemed as if he knew it, too, edging you just to wound you as tight as he could – until you snapped.
“Say my name,” he said, his voice deep, husky, and so goddamn sexy you had a momentary thought that you might cum right then and there.
“Loki,” you moaned, arching into his hand.
“Again,” he demanded.
“Loki, please,” you begged him.
And suddenly, his mouth was on your cunt, this time really wasting no time to devour you. His tongue was ravishing you like a man starved, slipping through your folds with quick flicks. Then, he slid it against your clit quickly over and over again, and you were reduced to a moaning, thrashing mess. He held your hips in place, spreading your thighs wide as he wrecked you.
His mouth and tongue were unrelenting, switching between flicking against your clit and pushing inside of your gaping hole. The pressure began to build intensely, your entire body heaving as you couldn’t keep up enough to catch your breath. You could feel a knot forming in your abdomen, winding up tighter with each movement of his tongue. You moaned louder and louder with each passing second, Loki slowing down and then speeding up to chase your release.
His name fell from your lips like a prayer as he worshipped you, and you succumbed to the all-consuming pleasure. Your orgasm approached quickly, and your fingers wound into his hair as you chanted his name.
“Loki, please, I’m gonna cum,” you begged in between moans, voice high pitched and strained as your pleasure built up.
“So desperate for me,” he whispered.
He didn’t say anything after that, only focused on pushing you over the edge with his tongue against your pussy. You were wetter than you thought you had ever been, your juices coating his mouth and around it as you gushed for him. The knot wound tightly then, your orgasm approaching rapidly.
Your release hit you like a train, knocking all of the breath out of you and reducing you to a moaning, limp mess beneath Loki as his tongue lapped at your cunt through your orgasm. He slowed slightly through the aftershocks, and you moaned lightly as his tongue worked you through.
But then, for some reason, he wasn’t stopping.
You sat up slightly, glancing down at him and finding his eyes on you as his tongue continued to flick against your pussy. Your hands pushed at his head gently.
“Loki, please, I’m too sensitive,” you whined, trying to push him away. He smirked against you, tongue stopping as he hovered over it.
“Nonsense, darling, you can give me another I’m sure,” he said before going back to working your cunt with his tongue.
You moaned loudly, pussy overly sensitive as he continued his ministrations. You thrashed against him, unable to stop yourself from trying to move away from his tongue. He only held you down, eating you out with no sign of stopping. Eventually, the discomfort turned into intense pleasure, and your moans increased again as another orgasm built inside of you.
“Oh my God, Loki,” you moaned, fingers tangled in his hair. He chuckled, tongue unrelenting against your dripping cunt.
Then, his tongue flicked just right against your clit, and you moaned loudly.
“Right there!” you shouted, hips bucking into his face.
He held you down, flicking his tongue in the spot against your clit that had you writhing beneath him. The pleasure built quicker this time than the first, and crashed into you so suddenly that you were screaming his name more loudly than you really intended, your body convulsing with the shocks of pleasure and glorious overstimulation. He worked you through this orgasm, too, but finally pulled away as your body fell limp.
He hovered over you, pushing strands of your hair out of your face tenderly as you settled from your intense release.
“I knew you could do it, darling,” he praised you, placing a soft kiss against your lips. You could taste yourself on his lips. You kissed him back, arms winding around his neck.
“Gods, Loki, that was fucking hot,” you said, before pulling him back in for another kiss.
You kissed him passionately, somehow still turned on despite the fatigue your body felt from the two orgasms. He kissed you until you were breathless again before pulling away, his hands swiping against your cheeks lovingly.
“Do you think you can do another, darling?” He asked you, slightly teasing and slightly serious.
“Yes, Loki, I need your cock,” you whined, hand beginning to travel down his abdomen slowly. Every part of you wanted to tease him, but you felt so desperate, you didn’t know if you had the patience.
“Norns, you are something else, darling,” he said, groaning when your hand wrapped around the shaft of his cock. When you moved your hand along his length, he sighed softly, and you smirked.
You could see his cocky resolve crumbling slowly. His face no longer held the snarky grin he had given you all the while thus far, making way for a more natural, soft smile as he sighed at your touch.
“Seems like you’re the desperate one, now,” you teased him, delighting in the sight of him giving in to you.
While the dominant and demanding side of Loki was hot, you couldn’t help but think how nice it was to see him like this – vulnerable, comfortable, and honest. And to think that you were the only one to ever see him like this made it even more intimate for you.
His eyes opened, and the emotion in them confirmed your suspicions. His orbs were swimming with a joyful energy, with fondness and love, as he gazed down at you. His smile was genuine, not teasing, then, as he lined his cock up with your center.
“Are you ready, darling?” He asked gently, his free hand settling against your cheek.
“Of course, Loki,” you sighed, one hand resting on his wrist affectionately.
He pushed into you, then, and you gasped at the unexpected stretch of him filling you. He was bigger than you remembered, for some reason, but he filled you perfectly once he fully pushed in. You both sighed once he was all the way in, and he paused before moving any more. You closed your eyes, getting accustomed to the stretch of him inside you.
“[Y/N],” he called your name after a moment, and your eyes fluttered open to meet his gaze.
“I love you, darling.”
Your breath paused for a moment at his words – at the weight of them.
He hadn’t said those words out right to you yet, and your heart fluttered, a shiver running through your body at the intensity of it all. It had been years since you had heard him say those three words, and even after all he had expressed to you prior, even though you knew he still loved you, even though he had practically already said it – hearing it directly sent a surging wave of emotion through you.
Your body felt light as a feather suddenly, a blissful feeling relaxing your muscles. You sighed, a genuine smile spreading across your face as you stared into his loving eyes. After all this time apart from each other and your reunion, his words and the look in his eyes seemed softer, more intense, and more certain than they ever had.
And now, you no longer doubted his love for you was genuine.
Your eyes welled up with tears, and you laughed softly, pulling him in suddenly to kiss him with all of the passion and love for him you were feeling. You couldn’t believe you had spent years hating this man, the man you knew so well, the true version of Loki that he had let get lost behind all of his anger and pain, just as you had yourself after he left you. You had loved him all along, because no one was more similar to you than he was – and no one understood you like he did.
Loki was definitely right: you both had a lot of lost time to make up for. And you were damn sure that you were going to do all you could to do just that.
You pulled apart from the kiss, staring into his eyes once again.
“Gods, I love you too, Loki,” you said, and he smiled the most brilliant smile you had seen yet, pure joy cascading across his features.
He began to move, then, and you gasped at the delicious feeling of him inside of you. He placed his hands on your hips, setting a steady, slow pace as he fucked you gently. You moaned, hands gripping the bedsheets tightly in pleasure as you held eye contact with him.
“I promise,” he grunted out as he panted in pleasure, “to make up for all of the years we spent apart and all of the hurt I caused you.”
You nodded, maintaining eye contact and gasping as his pace increased, his cock sliding in and out of you deliciously. Your moans increased in volume.
“Tell me what you need, darling,” he said, staring down at you intensely.
“Fuck me harder,” you moaned out, hands reaching for him.
He leaned over you, his hips keeping your legs spread wide as he fucked into you. Your arms wrapped around his toned back, feeling the muscles there as you gripped onto him for support. His speed increased even more at your request, and you damn near cried in pleasure, tears coming to your eyes, moans erratic and inconsistent as you panted. You moaned his name into his ear, his own grunts and moans very audible to you as his head was tucked into your shoulder and neck.
You could already feel the knot forming in your belly, the pleasure all encompassing at Loki’s closeness to you, the sounds he was making, and the fast speed at which he was taking you.
“Gods, Loki, I’m already close,” you whispered, moaning loudly as his tip hit your g-spot suddenly.
“Let go whenever you're ready, darling, I won’t be far behind,” he assured you softly before leaning back to fuck you in a different position.
He sat on his knees, holding onto your hips tightly as he fucked you even harder, reducing you to a moaning, wrecked mess beneath him as your release approached. He panted and groaned, chasing his own release as you both reveled in the presence of one another. The air was thick with lust, both of your bodies sheening in sweat at the intensity of the pleasure.
Your pussy clenched around him, then, your third orgasm crashing into you as you screamed his name, walls fluttering violently around his cock as your release wrecked you. Loki groaned at the feeling, panting heavily as his pace didn’t falter while he chased his own release. Your body went limp, his hands holding your hips steadily.
Loki moaned your name as he met his end suddenly, his seed spilling into you, releasing a blooming warmth in your belly as you moaned at the feeling, panting. His pace slowed in his aftershocks before he collapsed beside you on the bed. His arms immediately reached for you, pulling you into his warm chest in a loving embrace.
You both stayed curled into each other for a few moments, while your breaths steadied and the glow of your orgasms enveloped you. You were completely limp, head resting against his chest, and one arm wrapped around him. His arm around you held you tightly to him while his chest evened out as he caught his breath.
“Let me take care of you, darling,” he broke the silence softly, kissing your forehead lovingly before slowly moving to get out of bed.
You whined at the loss of contact as you curled up on the bed, fatigue hitting your muscles as you could barely keep your eyes open. Loki stood on the side of the bed for a moment, gazing lovingly at you and smiling softly. He then went to the attached bathroom in his bedroom. When he returned, he had on his boxers, and you could see a washcloth, a shirt, and a pair of underwear in his hands. He approached you slowly, and you smiled at him, but didn’t move.
He cleaned you up gently, washing your tender areas with the washcloth to make sure you were clean before helping you slip on a pair of underwear and one of his t-shirts. You sighed after he was done and finally crawled back into bed, pulling you back into his warm embrace and under the soft bedding.
“Thank you, Loki,” you whispered, voice slightly raspy. He hummed underneath you.
“It’s my pleasure, darling,” he replied, squeezing you gently.
A moment of silence passed.
“How was it for you?” he asked suddenly, surprising you slightly. You moved to look at him, and he smiled at you softly, but you could see an uncertainty in his eyes you’d never seen before.
“It was even better than I remembered,” you reassured him, a hand coming up to caress his cheek lovingly. “And for you?”
“You’re always perfect,” he said, not missing a beat. “I missed this more than words can describe, darling.”
You smiled at him, tears jumping into your eyes for the second time.
“I missed it, too,” you said, blinking as a couple of tears fell. He wiped them away lovingly, pulling you into his chest as his arms wrapped around you comfortingly.
“I love you,” he repeated for the second time tonight, and you smiled into his chest, heart fluttering madly again at those words.
“I love you,” you replied, sincerely, squeezing him gently as you wrapped around him. He sighed, his hold on you firm and unwavering.
“Please tell me you’ll be here in the morning,” you whispered, clutching onto him. “That this isn’t just a dream.”
“No, darling, I will forever be by your side now, I promise,” he reassured you, kissing the top of your head. You nodded, sighing deeply.
A few long moments of comfortable silence passed as you held each other, snuggled beneath the covers in a warm embrace of safety and love.
“I think I’m going to fall asleep soon,” you whispered, closing your eyes as you rested on top of him. Your eyelids and the muscles in your body became heavier with each passing moment.
“Rest up, darling, I’ll be here with you,” he whispered back, kissing your head again.
His next words were the last thing you heard before you fell into a blissful sleep.
“Remember, this is only the beginning of our new beginning.”
Summary/Context: After the truth is revealed between you and Loki about your feelings, you feel a new, positive energy taking over your mind. You realize exactly what it is that you want for yourself and with Loki, and decide you must do everything you can to foster that relationship. You’re madly in love with him, and no longer denying it, so you decide to embrace it. This leads you and Loki to a night of meaningful moments at Tony Stark’s Friday night party.
Warnings: nothing really- fluff, little cheesiness, sexually suggestive moments, little embarrassment, a bit of self-realization/reflection, couple tears of joy
Taglist: @soulpiercing @oziozzioslo
Author's Notes: I believe this is my longest chapter for this series. It’s packed full of fluff and fun, so I hope you all enjoy. Thanks for reading!
Word Count: 6,166 words
Consciousness returned to you slowly, a calming feeling welcoming you back to reality. You slowly came to, mind drifting around with sweet thoughts of Loki in the firelight of the library — his gentle eyes, gorgeous smile, strong embrace, smooth voice, and — his soft lips.
You were suddenly more awake as you realized what you were really thinking about. You wondered momentarily if you had been dreaming — if it was all a sick game your mind was playing with you. But then you realized you couldn’t remember bringing yourself to bed and began looking around in curiosity.
Your phone and second book from last night were on your nightstand, but otherwise, everything else was exactly where you remembered it being. You picked up your phone next, sighing in relief at the first notification you saw.
It was a text message from Loki, from last night, reading: “I took you to bed, darling. I look forward to seeing you when you’ve woken from your rest.”
So, it all wasn’t just a dream. It was real — Loki had told you he regretted everything that happened, that he still wanted to be with you, and that he loved you. He had held you as you cried for him, comforting you, and then you had fallen asleep in his embrace. You smiled to yourself, feeling a large burst of energy course through you.
It was as if a new kind of fire had been lit within you — one you remembered from long, long ago. It was the familiar feeling of being in love — of loving Loki. However, this time, it was different. This time, you were free of the chains of your family, of Asgardian society. This time, nothing was there to hold you back from being happy.
You could’ve exploded into a million pieces right then and there. You felt an excitement you almost couldn’t remember returning to your body, an energy you had been longing for since it had left you.
You felt powerful suddenly — perhaps the most powerful you had ever felt in your entire life.
You could think of nothing except getting up and finding Loki. You quickly got ready for the day — it was the first day in a week you got fully dressed in a proper outfit. Today was technically your last day of recovery, but you didn’t feel any pain anymore. You were rejuvenated, to the point where you almost felt born again. You had more energy now than you thought you had ever had since you joined the Avengers.
You quickly made your way to breakfast after getting ready. The second you appeared in the doorway, all of the Avengers looked at you. You supposed maybe you were a bit surprising, going from wearing your pajamas for days to suddenly being fully up and ready. You just smiled and bid hello to everyone, your cheery tone only surprising them all more.
You didn’t pay any mind, though, your focus solely on Loki, sitting at the table. Your eyes met the instant you arrived, and you smiled widely at him — there he was again, for the third day in a row, two coffees and bowls of fruit in front of him, the seat next to him empty and waiting for you.
You wasted no time, making your way to your seat and smiling brightly at Loki. He returned your smile, and the two of you wouldn’t break eye contact.
“Good morning, Loki,” you said softly, a sweetness to your voice that even you barely recognized. His smile only widened at your seemingly chipper appearance.
“Good morning, darling,” Loki replied to you just as softly. “Did you have a pleasant rest?”
“Yes, most definitely,” you answered, sighing as you playfully leaned closer to brush arms with him. “Thanks to a certain someone.” You smirked playfully at him.
“Now, I don’t believe that I contributed much to that, darling,” Loki teased. “At least not yet.” The latter was said much more quietly.
“I beg to differ,” you teased right back at him quietly. “But I would like to see what this ‘yet’ entails.” Loki chuckled.
“That could be arranged,” he agreed, and you smiled at him fondly.
“Hey, [Y/N],” Natasha spoke suddenly, ending you and Loki’s banter. You glanced up to look at her, moving back into a normal sitting position. You hadn’t realized how close you had been leaning towards Loki, and you fought the blush that threatened to creep up your neck suddenly as she and a few others seemed to stare a little questioningly in you and Loki’s direction.
“You seem to be feeling better,” Natasha continued after a moment of looking between you and Loki. “Why are you so chipper all of a sudden today?”
You took in a breath, mind immediately thinking back to the magical moments you had with Loki just last night. But you didn’t want to talk about your relationship just yet with the team — especially since you and Loki hadn’t really had the chance yet to actually make it official with each other that you were together again. It was all too fresh, so you searched for a reasonable excuse.
“Well,” you began, chuckling a little nervously as everyone seemed to be staring at you. “I, uh, discovered some Midgardian medications yesterday with the medics, and let’s just say they definitely worked. I think they were called muscle relaxers… and yeah… I definitely got the best night's sleep ever.” You chuckled again, cringing at yourself and praying they believed your on-the-spot lie.
Everyone laughed with you, and you let out a sigh of relief through your nose, smiling at them all. You glanced at Loki for a split second, holding back another laugh when he gave you a funny look at your horrible lying.
“That’s great to hear, [Y/N],” Wanda said, chuckling again. You smiled at her.
“Yes, it’s good to know you are feeling better,” Steve added, and you smiled his way as well, thanking them.
“It’s especially good because it means you can come to the party tonight!” Tony said suddenly, clapping his hands together. “And we definitely need you. Some of these people do not know how to party, and we need your experience to show them the ropes!” Your eyes widened, and you chuckled.
“I’d hardly say I’m a party expert,” you disagreed.
“Oh, please, girl,” Natasha interjected. “You are definitely an expert.” A few others nodded in agreement. You glanced over to Loki, who looked at you curiously, questions behind his eyes.
“What makes [Y/N] a ‘party expert’?” He asked suddenly, surprising you. You closed your eyes, covering your face with your hands in embarrassment for what was to come.
“Oh, many things,” Tony said, and Thor laughed loudly in agreement. “She’s been to almost all of my parties in the year since she joined. Except, not lately, and we’ve all missed her party spirit. She just knows how to get into it. Girl has got dance moves, that’s for sure.” Thor continued laughing, along with Natasha and Wanda, while everyone else nodded with smiles.
“You guys, can we not?” You groaned, giggling. ”Stop embarrassing me by discussing my drunken party incidents so openly.”
“Only if you promise to come tonight,” Tony wagered, and you shook your head.
“I wanted to come anyway,” you replied, sighing in relief as he nodded a yes to stopping the conversation.
“I’d like to come too,” Loki said, smiling over at you. “Especially to see what it is they are talking about.” You rolled your eyes, groaning, but nodded.
“Oh, yes, this is going to be a fun one, brother,” Thor chuckled, coming over to pat Loki on the back.
“Hey, I’m going with [Y/N], not with you, brother,” Loki swerved away from Thor, and Thor gasped dramatically.
“I’m wounded, brother,” he said, but smiled at the both of you as he glanced between you. As you made eye contact with him, you could see the suspicion in his eyes.
After breakfast, you and Loki slipped away together. You began walking down the hall, chatting about Stark’s party.
“So, darling, are you going to elaborate on what was being discussed at breakfast?” Loki asked you, both teasing and curiosity in his tone. You smiled sheepishly.
“Well,” you paused, looking for the right words. “As I mentioned to you last night, I’ve had a difficult time distracting myself from everything in my head since I came to Earth… and Stark’s parties were one of the best distractions, I suppose.” Your eyes met Loki’s as he nodded in understanding.
“I may have gone a little overboard at times,” you added, chuckling to yourself. “I guess I didn’t realize that Midgardians had powerful booze.” Loki chuckled.
“Ah, I see,” he said, smiling at you. “Well, maybe tonight can be just as fun in a different way, if you’d like.” You looked at him curiously.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, I suppose I was wondering if you’d like to join my company for the party tonight.”
Loki’s smile almost turned shy. You beamed at him.
“Are you asking me on a date?” You teased, stepping closer to him as you looked at him from under your eyelashes. He chuckled, taking a step closer to you as well.
“I suppose so, yes,” he responded, smirking down at you. “If that is what you wish.” You paused, looking up into his eyes fondly.
“I would like that,” you agreed, nodding, your smile never faltering. Butterflies erupted in your stomach as he leaned in even closer.
“I’m glad, darling,” he whispered, his lips inches from yours. Just as he began to lean in further, both of your attentions were caught as someone made their way down the hall towards you. You both quickly backed away, the moment interrupted.
You smiled as Sam passed by the two of you, bidding you both a hello. You both responded with the same, and you noticed how his eyes seemed to be questioning the two of you quietly. Once he was out of earshot, you turned back to each other.
“You know, everyone is already wondering about us,” you said to Loki quietly. “We’re probably going to be questioned by someone soon.”
“Are you concerned about it?” He asked you softly.
“Not really, but I don’t like answering to people either,” you chuckled, as did he.
“You never have, darling.”
You both looked at each other fondly, laughing more. Just as you went to take a step closer to him again, Fury’s voice rang over the intercom in the hallway.
“Loki,” he called. “Report to conference room A for meeting one.”
You looked at Loki, giggling when he sighed exasperatedly.
“You rule breaker,” you teased, smiling widely at him.
“Darling, this is to be continued, I promise,” Loki said softly, before leaning forward to place a kiss on your forehead and then embracing you.
Your heart fluttered, and you sighed in his embrace before he pulled away.
“I’ll see you soon,” he bid you, smiling at you before heading down the hall to the meeting.
You felt like you were on top of the world as you watched him go.
While he was busy working, you found yourself searching for a dress for the party. You needed something that you knew would catch Loki’s eye.
You were beginning to form a plan in your mind. All you knew was that you needed to ask Loki if he really wanted to make this official. You had waited too long in uncertainty, so you decided you would make things clear with him about what this all meant tonight.
You began to get ready a couple of hours before the party, messaging Loki to let him know he could meet you there at the party’s starting time. You felt an excitement and energy inside of you that you had never experienced before. It all felt so surreal to you still – that Loki and you had found your way back to each other, that you were about to go on your first date in years.
That now, just possibly, everything might line up in your life to work out.
You could be an Avenger, saving people and making a difference, alongside Loki, the love of your life. You could love each other and let go of everything else, like you had wanted from the beginning. You wouldn’t have to spend the rest of your life trying to heal, or distract, or search for a purpose.
It occurred to you that maybe your purpose wasn’t what was missing all along. Maybe you weren’t numb because you felt like your life had no purpose – maybe it was because you missed Loki for all of these years. Maybe it was because you knew he was alive out there somewhere, and you had spent years longing for things to have gone differently than they had with him.
This was your chance – and you’d be damned if you let him slip between your fingers again.
Realistically, you knew it wouldn’t be all sunshine and rainbows being back together with Loki – you weren’t that foolish. But, you thought to yourself, this time, you had learned from your mistakes – you had grown. You now knew that what you had with Loki was worth fighting for. It had withstood the test of time, and now you would make sure it would continue to. You would fight for your relationship for the rest of your abnormally long, Asgardian life.
You would do anything not to be on your own and without this love again.
You felt like the energy of the younger, more innocent version of yourself – the one Loki ignited years ago – was returning. But this time, you weren’t young – you’d aged through your experiences and become wiser and more mature. Your mind was clearer, but that same cynical attitude that Loki knew remained. The restless girl that you had always been remained, but her light had been dimmed for so many years, shrouded in the darkness that had kept her spiraling. Now, she was ready to step into the light.
And, consequently, she was prepared to cause a little innocent mischief — to have fun again, for the first time in years.
You were determined to channel your energy into your appearance, not having gotten dressed up properly for months. Since your mental state first declined just before Loki returned, you had stopped going to Stark’s parties, which is where you used to release a lot of your pent-up emotions. You would get dressed up and try to have fun every Friday night with Natasha and Wanda, most of the time also trying to find men as well. You had ditched that when it was no longer enough to distract you, but now part of you missed it a lot. You really had made a lot of slightly embarrassing, but good memories at Stark’s parties.
You were looking forward to letting loose again, and this time, with Loki. You had a really good feeling about tonight.
You found a very old, nostalgic Asgardian emerald green and gold dress in your closet, one that you had buried away from yourself when you had first come to Earth. It was one of many that Loki had gotten made for you back on Asgard, but the only one you had kept. You hadn’t taken much with you from Asgard, but part of you couldn’t leave your favorite dress behind when you were leaving so much behind in general. It had caused you so much pain to look at that you had stored it away so that you would never see it.
But now, you no longer felt pain when you looked at it, a different feeling taking its place – hope.
You slipped the beautiful fabric onto your body and then stood in the mirror and stared at yourself. As you gazed at the woman before you, your chest became tight. For so long, you had felt so out of place. You hadn’t known much peace at all in your life, constantly waking up in some new kind of suffering. And now, to look at yourself and recognize more clearly than ever before who you were – well, it was overwhelming.
Hope was overwhelming.
You had never thought you would see the day you could put on an Asgardian fabric, let alone one Loki had given you, without hating it. And now, here you were, joyfully slipping back into your emerald green dress, and feeling proud and happy to wear it.
You smiled at yourself for a moment before continuing to get ready. You did your hair, your makeup, and everything else needed to get ready for the night. In the end, you were satisfied even more as you stared in the mirror at yourself.
You looked powerful and full of life – two things you never thought you would think about yourself again. And here you were.
This confident energy carried you out of your bedroom, down the hall, and through the Avengers compound as you made your way to Stark’s party. Upon arriving, you immediately searched for Loki. You scanned all of the people that you could see, taking a few steps forward as you looked around. Suddenly, a presence behind you and a light touch to the small of your back startled you, causing you to turn around. You were met with the handsome face of Loki, and you smiled.
“Hello, darling,” Loki said charmingly, grinning at you cheekily as his eyes scanned your appearance for moments too long to be casual. After a moment of his staring, he let out a breathy laugh. “My gods, darling, don’t you look ravishing.” His hand reached out to slide down your arm, fingers meeting yours loosely before he squeezed your hand.
“Well, thank you, stranger, and I could say the same about you,” you teased, your eyes slowly trailing up and down his own attire, not so subtly checking him out. He wore a fully black suit, something you’d seen him in times before, but never got used to. Something about the full black suited him so well.
“And this,” he added, his other hand coming out to smooth over the material of your dress on your waist. “Is it what I think it is?” You beamed at him, happy that he recognized it, and nodded.
“It is,” you confirmed. “It was the only Asgardian fabric I kept.” His eyes wouldn’t falter from gazing at the material, his fingers running across the gown as he felt the embroidery. A shiver ran up your spine at his touch on your waist. Suddenly, he pulled you flush against his chest, his lips coming to rest by your earlobe.
“I almost forgot how utterly delectable you look in my color, darling,” he whispered, and you nearly had to grab onto him to remain steady, your head spinning at the hungry tone of his voice. You smirked, hands coming to rest against his chest lightly.
“Well, it’s only right then for me to remind you,” you whispered right back before gently pushing him away to create a small space between you.
You smirked up at him as you looked at him from under your lashes. His hands reached out for you, but you grabbed them to ensure your small distance was kept, just to tease him. He growled, and you giggled mischievously. Before he could try to pull you close again, you quickly interjected.
“We should probably find the others, Loki,” you said, pulling him along with you towards the bar. “There is no doubt they are wondering where we are. We have a party to attend, remember?”
Loki only looked at you with an intense desire in his eyes, his smile present, although you could tell he was slightly annoyed.
“As you wish, darling,” he agreed, following you. “But this conversation is to be continued – I assure you that you will not get out of it.”
“As you wish, darling,” you echoed his words right back at him, glancing at him teasingly as you dragged him through the party.
You found the others in no time, as they were all gathered in their typical area that you remembered them always being in. As you approached, hand in hand with Loki, it seemed as if every set of eyes was on the two of you.
“[Y/N], thank God you made it!” Tony was the first one to speak, approaching you with an enthusiastic smile. You smiled brightly at him in return.
“Of course, Stark, I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” you responded, bowing your head towards him in respect. He gave you a quick side hug before Thor came barreling in, enveloping you in a bear hug that made your grip on Loki’s hand fall.
“[Y/N]!” Thor exclaimed excitedly. “I’m so happy you’re here! And with my brother!” He quickly released you and dove for Loki, who tried to pull away but couldn’t escape his brother’s vigor in time. He succumbed to Thor’s suffocating hug with resistance, and you giggled.
“Wow, I never thought I would see all of the Asgardians together in one place and getting along,” Nick Fury’s voice interjected, and you turned to greet him as he stood beside you. “Especially you and Loki,” he added to you. You smiled at him, nodding sheepishly, but not knowing how to respond. Fury questioned you about your recovery, and you explained how quickly you had healed and your current state to him. He shared that he was relieved you would be returning to work.
You glanced to your other side, noticing how Loki was back to standing directly beside you while he conversed with his brother. Natasha and Wanda approached you next, and you all chatted for some time about your recovery and state of health. Eventually, all of the conversations merged together, and all of the Avengers seemed to be standing around and chatting.
“You know, Fury has a good point,” Natasha began suddenly as she stared at you and Loki. “It seemed like you two used to hate each other. What happened with that?”
Silence settled as neither you nor Loki came up with an immediate response. You cleared your throat awkwardly, glancing over at Loki, who met your eye contact with just as much uncertainty in his eyes as you felt. You tried to breathe and think of what to say, but thankfully, Loki beat you to it.
“Well, you see,” Loki began, but paused as he looked at you once again before continuing. “[Y/N] here is actually the woman I was… with… long ago…” He trailed off awkwardly. He seemed as if he was nervous and lost for words, something very out of character for Loki.
“Yes, I can confirm,” Thor interjected, seemingly trying to help you both out of the situation. “Loki and [Y/N] were once a beautiful couple. Only, [Y/N] was married, and Loki may have left her, but that is besides the point, as it seems they are back together?” Your eyes widened as you stared at Thor, gasping softly.
“Thor!” You exclaimed, shaking your head as you chuckled nervously. “Okay, okay… so he is telling the truth… Loki and I have a complicated history, and we weren’t entirely happy to see each other when Loki returned. Or, I wasn’t happy to see him at least.” You chuckled, glancing at Loki as he nodded along with your explanation. “But! Now things are… better.”
Everyone stared at you in shock, and you shifted nervously next to Loki. His hand settled on the small of your back, as if to reassure you.
“That’s great, guys,” Natasha said, breaking the silence. “We all just want you both to be happy. And really, you seem great together… as surprising as it may be for some of us.” You noticed as she smacked Bruce on the back to get him to stop staring, and giggled.
“Alright, guys!” You started, suddenly fed up with the awkwardness. “Now that that is over, who wants drinks?” You grabbed Loki’s hand, dragging him up to the bar as he chuckled loudly behind you.
And thus, the dreaded awkward questioning was out of the way, and the party really began. After a few drinks were consumed, it wasn’t long before you were more than eager to hit the dance floor – your favorite part of Stark’s parties.
“Loki!” you exclaimed to him suddenly, turning to him and tugging on his arm. “Will you please dance with me?” He sighed, giving you a pointed look. It looked like a no to you, and you pouted, sticking your bottom lip out at him.
“Please?” you urged him. He sighed, shaking his head at you.
“Only for you, darling,” he agreed, and you burst into excitement, tugging him to the dance floor as you giggled wildly. Once you found a spot, you grabbed his hands, beginning to dance around while he mostly stood still.
“Darling, are you drunk already?” He questioned you, and you shook your head, laughing at him.
“No, Loki, I don’t need to be drunk to have a good time,” you giggled, tugging on his hands as you attempted to get him to dance. “Although I am a little tipsy.” You giggled some more, beginning to dance a little more wildly as Loki laughed – a real, genuine laugh. The sound made your heart flutter, and you smiled brightly at him.
“Dance with me!” you urged him, tugging on his hands some more. He sighed, his resolve crumbling as he began to slowly move his feet and hips with your rhythm.
You laughed as he spun you around suddenly, pulling you into his chest before spinning you back out. He began to really get into the dancing, truly putting effort into it, spinning you around over and over again as you laughed so hard tears of joy were spilling from your eyes. The second song ended, and you practically collapsed into Loki’s chest and arms as you became out of breath from laughter and movement. He laughed alongside you, holding your form up with his strength.
A slow song began, and you smiled up at Loki fondly as his hands settled on your waist, steadying you. With one hand on your waist, his other found your hand, and you began to slow dance to the rhythm of the song. You stared up into Loki’s eyes, becoming lost in them as you swayed. It seemed as if everything else faded into the background, suddenly, and the only thing that existed was you and Loki, and the sound of the music.
“Loki,” you sighed his name, leaning in to rest your head on his chest, your free arm wrapping around his waist. He responded by wrapping his free arm around you in return. You were impossibly close to him, his warmth and scent comforting you as you swayed together.
“Yes, darling?” he whispered into your ear, his breath against your ear and his smooth voice sending a shiver down your spine.
“I missed you,” you told him, sighing contentedly in his embrace as you took it all in. He hummed, his chest vibrating beneath you.
“Oh, darling, you have no idea how much I’ve missed you,” he whispered, his hold around you tightening tenderly.
Your heart ached with emotion for him as you continued to sway until the song ended. When it did, you pulled apart to look at one another, eyes meeting. Loki’s eyes shimmered brilliantly in the lights on the dance floor, glowing bright blue and swimming with emotion. Before you knew it, he had pressed his lips against yours, pulling you impossibly closer. You sighed into the kiss, running your hands up his chest and to the sides of his face.
Your heart fluttered, and your mind sang in bliss at his affection. You melted into him, returning his kiss passionately. When he pulled away, his breath ghosting over your lips, you smiled although your eyes remained closed. When they opened, you peered right back into Loki’s blue orbs, his smile genuine and beautiful before you.
“Come with me, darling,” he whispered as the next upbeat song began to play and the dance floor became busy again. “Let’s get out of here.” You smirked at him, nodding feverishly as he took you by the hand and led you out of the party.
You giggled as he pulled you hurriedly down the halls of the Avengers compound, feeling the exhilaration of mischief course through your veins in the pursuit of gliding through hall after hall. The party’s noise faded behind you quickly as you got further and further.
“Where ever are you taking me, handsome?” You flirted, although you were curious. He glanced back at you, a smirk adorning his face.
“A very special place,” he promised, slowing down as he led you to an exit door. You suddenly recognized where you were, having been in this part of the compound a few times. You gasped before smiling at him.
“Oh, I know!” You exclaimed.
“Do you now, darling?” He teased as you walked through the door, and he held it open for you.
You walked out first before him, entering the serene and quiet gardens of the Avengers compound. He followed you, smiling at you as you glanced around, taking it all in. You slowly spun in a circle, your dress swaying around you as you studied all of the beauty around you before turning back to Loki. There he stood, still as a statue, his gaze on you unwavering.
“My gods, darling,” he started, pausing as he stared at you before continuing. “You look like a queen… a goddess. You’re undoubtedly the most beautiful woman in all of the nine realms.” He blinked, his eyes shifting up and down your figure as he took you in. Your heart fluttered madly.
“Loki, you always were such a flatterer,” you commented, laughing lightly.
“It’s not flattery,” he said, rather seriously, his expression unreadable as he approached you. “It’s the honest truth of what I see.”
It was your turn to blink at him, breaths deepening, before you smiled at him.
“Whatever am I to do with you?” You asked him teasingly. He smirked at you, tilting his head questioningly.
“Why do you ask that, darling?”
“I’m afraid that you make me feel too many things. It could be dangerous.”
You smirked at him, biting your lip. Loki smirked in return, inching closer to you slowly.
“That’s the point, my love. Danger makes it all the more fun.”
“Seems typical coming from you, God of Mischief.”
He laughed before lunging forward and scooping you into his arms, lifting you off the ground. You yelped, gasping as he spun you around while he laughed maniacally. You screamed his name as he continued to spin, but you were unable to stop yourself from giggling. Eventually, he stopped, setting you back on your feet as he steadied you, his hands gripping your shoulders firmly.
Silence settled over you as you both just stared at each other once more. Loki’s hands dropped down your arms and into your hands, tangling your fingers together. You sighed, feeling more at ease than you had in years as you gazed into Loki’s eyes.
But then, you remembered what you wanted to ask him — if this was really what he wanted: officially, seriously.
“Darling,” Loki started just then, bringing you out of your thoughts. “Do you know what this reminds me of, and why I brought you here?” You pondered for a moment before shaking your head no.
“I’m not sure, Loki,” you said, squeezing his hands in yours gently.
“It’s similar to where we shared our first kiss, darling.” He smiled at you.
You smiled, recognition dawning upon you as you nodded.
“Of course,” you agreed, glancing around. “The Gardens of Asgard. Gods, they were beautiful.” Loki nodded in agreement.
“You see, I brought you here for a purpose,” he continued, a nervous smile making its way upon his face. “It was kind of in my plans for tonight all along. I wanted to ask you something privately, my love.”
You stared at him, wondering what he could possibly want to ask you.
“You know you can ask me anything, Loki,” you reassured him, smiling softly up at him as he nodded, taking a deep breath.
“Well, I was just wondering, as I figured it’s only polite to ask you directly, if you would like to be my… my girlfriend, again?” He managed to get out nervously, and you laughed at how adorable his unusual nervousness was.
“Oh, Loki,” you said fondly, cupping his face in your hands. “You read my mind. I was going to ask you the same thing tonight.” He smiled down at you, chuckling breathily.
“Is that a yes?” He asked, a hint of nervousness remaining.
“Of course, my love,” you said sincerely, then giggled, poking his chest playfully. “What happened to my stoic, all confidence, never nervous Loki?”
He growled playfully at you in return, grabbing your waist firmly as he pulled you into him.
“Don’t you worry, darling, he’s still in here,” he muttered, pulling you impossibly close. His breath ghosted over your lips as he spoke. “You’re just too important for him to mess anything up this time.”
You smiled and then kissed him passionately, fingers finding their way into his hair as he held you flush against him. You became lost in him for what seemed like the hundredth time tonight, nothing else in the world seeming to exist outside of his affectionate touches.
He pulled away suddenly, way too soon for your liking, and you whined. He smirked down at you, smoothing your hair down on the sides of your head.
“One moment, my eager girl,” he teased, shushing your whines. “I have one more thing I must say.” You nodded breathlessly, running your hands up and down his chest as you leaned into him.
“I want you to know that I will do everything in my power to do right by you this time,” he said sincerely, looking into your eyes with a sternness in his voice and gaze. “I know some things between us may take time to heal fully, but I want you to trust me that I have your best interests in mind, and I will never hurt you again. Not after our love brought us back to one another.”
You stood before him, breathless as you took in his words. You nodded slowly at what he was saying, tears coming into your eyes.
“Loki, thank you for saying that,” you whispered, clutching onto him like a lifeline. “I promise to work to heal us, too, and to do right by you. I know we can, and will, do better this time.”
Loki smiled at you, traces of tears coming to his own eyes. At his emotion, your tears spilled, and you giggled in happiness and overwhelm before leaning back into him, fingers finding their way back into his hair.
“Now stop talking so much and kiss me,” you joked, giggling as he didn’t hesitate to seal his lips with yours passionately.
“You’re wish is my command, darling,” he whispered against your lips before going back in for another kiss. His words were familiar, reminding you of the memory years ago in the Gardens of Asgard once again.
Your mind floated around blissfully, lost in all that was Loki — his sweet words, soothing voice, strong shoulders, soft lips — how firm and warm his body felt against yours. It wasn’t long until he had left you breathless, and you had to pull away for air, panting.
Loki chuckled, giving you a moment before leaning back in, the kiss quickly becoming heated this time. Your body became overly warm as his hands slid over your waist, gripping you firmly against him as his lips worked wonderfully against yours.
You moaned into the kiss suddenly, and Loki growled as he pulled away, both of you breathless now. Your desire for him was unrelenting — a feeling that had built within you for years. You whined when his lips left yours despite your shallow breaths, and Loki chuckled darkly.
“Darling, you are insatiable,” he whispered against your lips, forehead resting against yours. You nodded, hands sliding up and down Loki’s chest again as it rose and fell steadily.
“I need you, Loki,” you whispered against him, hands dropping lower and causing him to tense up as your fingers ghosted his belt buckle.
“Darling,” his hands gripped yours suddenly, stopping them in their tracks. “Are you sure?”
“Never been more positive,” you replied immediately, smirking up at him, your eyes drinking in his features hungrily.
“Well then,” he said, chuckling as his eyes drank in your disheveled state hungrily.
“Once again, your wish is my command, darling.”
The next thing you knew, you were being lifted quickly into Loki’s arms and whisked away.
Summary/Context: While you recover from your injuries on bedrest, your mind becomes a lot clearer when you are faced with plenty of time alone that forces you to face your truth -- to be honest with yourself. You begin to accept everything that you had tried to avoid for years. Meanwhile, your relationship with Loki continues to improve as he checks in on you daily. When you finally have had enough of bed rest and sneak your way out of your room to spend some time in the library, a surprising visit leads to honest confessions that change everything.
Warnings: brief mentions of guilt, trauma, and sadness, and some crying, but mostly FLUFF!
Taglist: @soulpiercing @oziozzioslo
Author's Notes: This chapter begins the sweet and sappy, happy days... I hope you all enjoy this emotional fluff! Thanks for reading.
Word Count: 4,748 words
After five days into your week on bed rest, you began to become restless. You were itching to get back to work, the soreness from your injuries pretty well gone. Your back did still ache slightly, but at this point, you were convinced that getting up and stretching it would help more than allowing it to become stiff. You didn’t want to ignore the doctor’s orders, but you just couldn’t sit in your bed anymore. On day five, you made your way out into the kitchen for breakfast.
The second all of the Avengers saw you, they all sprang into questioning you on why you weren’t in bed. You rolled your eyes at them, waddling your way over to sit at the table since you still couldn’t walk completely normally due to your back. Natasha and Wanda, in particular, drilled into you, running to your side to help you walk. You brushed them off slightly, but gently. Surprisingly, Loki wasn’t in the gathering for breakfast.
“You guys,” you said, sighing frustratedly, but smiling all the while. “I’m fine! I’m just a little sore, but I can’t handle being in bed all day. I’m becoming stiff, which doesn’t really help with the soreness.” Natasha shook her head at you, and you glanced over at the doorway as Loki entered the kitchen.
“But you’re going to wear yourself out!” Natasha exclaimed. “Next time, call one of us to help you walk out here.” You gave her a pointed look, as if to say you didn’t need a babysitter, but nodded your head in agreement to appease her. You smiled at Loki when your eyes met from across the room. Then, Wanda reached over and hugged you, rather unexpectedly.
“We’ve missed you, [Y/N],” she said when she pulled away. “It isn’t the same without you. Natasha and I need our third to complete our trio.” You laughed at her.
“You’re too sweet, Wanda,” you said, smiling at her appreciatively.
Steve, Thor, Bruce, and several others all echoed her sentiments, and you thanked them all for their kindness. Your eyes wandered as the conversation shifted topics, finding Loki across the kitchen as he prepared his breakfast. His back was to you, and you found your eyes admiring his broad shoulders and arms in his black t-shirt. You studied his backside, noticing how soft his black hair looked. Suddenly, he turned around, and you snapped out of your daze, meeting his eyes. He smiled softly at you, and you couldn’t hold his gaze suddenly, smiling as you turned back to the conversation.
Loki had been visiting you once every single day since your accident, checking in on your recovery. He wouldn’t stay very long, but every part of you looked forward to his visits, as much as you wouldn’t admit it and tried to push the feelings aside.
Ever since he saved you, every feeling you had for him seemed to be heightened tenfold. It was as if your rage had finally dimmed into the background, and now you were feeling all of the things you had been attempting to avoid.
You tried your best to push it all away, to not give in to your longing for him, but it was as if you couldn’t stop yourself. You were in too deep already, you feared, but part of you enjoyed it for some reason. You felt weird for giving in, but in your recovery, you didn’t have enough energy or distractions to ignore everything you felt.
A few moments later, Loki joined the table, sitting in the seat that was empty beside you. You glanced at him, softly smiling his way. He returned your smile, setting a bowl of berries and a cup of coffee in front of you. You looked at him again, surprised, and he only shrugged, but a smirk adorned his face.
“I remember this being your favorite on Asgard,” he said quietly, before turning to drink his tea.
You nodded, but were too stunned to speak. You couldn’t believe he remembered such a small detail about you, especially since you hadn’t eaten together much on Asgard, as most of your time together was when you snuck around. And not only that, but he wanted to show you he remembered with a kind gesture. You suddenly felt very overwhelmed with a warm feeling inside you, so much so that you almost felt shy. You took a deep breath, trying to push the emotions aside.
“Thank you,” you said to him quietly as you began to sip your coffee and eat your fruit. Natasha arrived a few moments later with everyone’s pancakes and eggs, the typical breakfast she made for the team.
You and Loki sat in comfortable silence for the rest of breakfast, but part of you felt like you sat closer to one another than usual.
The next morning, you returned for breakfast, calling Natasha this time so she could help you from your room to the kitchen. You honestly wanted to do it yourself, but didn’t want to hear her scolding. You waddled into the kitchen with Natasha’s help this time, surprised to find Loki already there, especially since you were earlier than usual this morning, and the only other person there was Bruce. He sat, book opened in his hand, two new bowls of fruit and cups of coffee and tea in the same spots they were yesterday. You couldn’t fight your smile when you saw him.
He turned when he heard you and Natasha, eyes meeting yours as you settled into your seat. Natasha made sure you were comfortable and then walked away to make breakfast.
“Good morning, darling,” he said softly to you. “How are you feeling this morning?” You smiled at him, rubbing your eyes tiredly.
“Honestly, I’m ready to be back to work,” you said, sighing. “I think probably tomorrow the soreness will be gone almost completely.” Loki’s eyes brightened a little as he smiled at you.
“That’s wonderful news,” he said, seeming so sincere.
“I can’t come back to work until Monday, though,” you said, sighing again. “My last day of recovery is tomorrow, and since it’s Friday, I have to wait the weekend too.”
“Well, this way you will be fully recovered and not risk anything,” Loki said, seeming like he was trying to cheer you up. You nodded, fiddling with your fork.
“I’m just bored; I just want something fun to do,” you said, laughing softly. He nodded.
Just then, several Avengers entered the kitchen, and soon enough, the usual morning breakfast gathering and conversation began. You sighed when the others began discussing Stark’s typical Friday evening party that he planned for tomorrow, figuring you probably would be stopped from going by them. It sounded like a good time to you since you had been so bored on bedrest all week.
You spent the rest of the day trying to find things to watch on the television, bored out of your mind. The entire day, you had been trying your hardest to occupy yourself, because in your boredom, your mind would drift to the things you didn’t really want to think about. Things that were all related to one person.
Loki.
He was still haunting you no matter how much you tried to get him out of your head – but now, the thoughts of him were almost comforting. You remembered his smile from this morning, the same soft smile he had given you for the last week while you had been in recovery. The same soft smile he gave you years ago, on Asgard.
The smile you fell in love with.
The smile you were still in love with.
And everything else, too; his sparkling eyes, his broad shoulders, his dark hair, his strong hands, his big arms, his charming wit, his mesmerizing voice – you could write a never-ending list of the things that captivated you about Loki.
A thought had occurred to you in all of your recent observations, now that you had abandoned some of the rage to make way for the feelings hiding behind it. You had spent the last few years since Loki left you focusing on all of the anger and hurt, all of the painful memories, so that you could ignore the memories that truly made your heart ache more than anything else: the happy ones.
You chose to remember only the worst version of Loki – the one who left you sobbing alone the night that everything ended – instead of the one you knew was the truest version of Loki; the one he showed you when you were vulnerable together. This Loki was so full of energy and love, and constantly looking for ways to be a light in your world.
This Loki smiled the most brilliant smile you had ever seen, made you laugh until your ribs ached, flattered you until you felt like the most attractive person in all of the nine realms, protected you like you mattered more than anything else, kissed you until you felt like you were floating, talked to you for hours until you felt that the weight of the world was off of your shoulders, came in an instant anytime you called – he made you feel seen and heard like no one ever had before.
This Loki was the one who, it seemed, might have walked back into your life. You tried to deny how he seemed to have changed at first, but since he had become an Avenger months ago, he had proven that his loyalty lay with the good guys. On countless missions, he had used his power to benefit the team in so many ways. The team’s missions had seemed to go a lot smoother with the extra set of hands and his skillset; no one could really deny it.
And so, you feared that you were hopelessly in love with your ex-boyfriend, again. And maybe you were starting to come to terms with that. Maybe you were okay with that.
Maybe, after all this time, it felt right to be loving Loki again, as that is all that you had wanted all along, deep down. Even if it was from a distance, even if he might not feel the same, and even if it might be risky. You had tried to find someone else to love for years, and deep down, you knew no one else could capture you like he had. Maybe, it was time to accept the truth and come to peace with it, no matter how uncomfortable it made you.
This time alone in recovery had really been the first time you had allowed yourself to be honest about your real feelings. You almost felt lighter, happier; relieved.
But the boredom was eating away at you, especially as the thoughts began to consume your mind entirely. You so badly wanted to walk around the compound for some exercise, but just knew someone would stop you and question you, and you didn’t want to deal with that. However, there was one place you knew no one would notice you, since no one ever went in there – the library.
You waited until dinner time, when you knew everyone would be in the kitchen eating, distracted, and snuck your way through the halls until you reached the library. You found two books and then settled on the comfortable sofa, losing yourself in the story of the first book. It stretched later and later into the night, and you began to be glad you wore your pajamas to be comfortable. Since you figured no one would see you, you didn’t feel like getting properly dressed.
The hour was late, but you didn’t find yourself getting that tired yet. You had slept and rested so much in the past week, you were more full of energy than you felt necessary. You were just beginning the second book when you heard a sound to the right of the sofa, and turned just in time to see Loki entering the library and softly walking towards you. You froze a little, surprised at his presence, then shook your head at yourself.
“I should have known you would come here this late,” you said softly, smiling at him. Your face was illuminated by the fire flickering in the fireplace just in front of you.
“I should have known you wouldn’t listen to your medical suggestions,” he said, before chuckling and smiling at you softly.
“Psh,” you said, waving your hand dismissively. “I’m certainly fine. I definitely don’t need help walking, as much as Natasha insists. In fact, I feel basically completely back to normal.” You paused, smiling up at him as he walked closer to the sofa. “I just had to get out of my bedroom for a while.”
“I would never doubt you for a second, darling,” he said softly, taking a seat next to you on the sofa. “And I would never blame you for seeking out enjoyment. I know how much you have always loved the library.” His soft smile never faltered, and with the firelight illuminating his face, your heart fluttered despite yourself.
Your mind was suddenly consumed with the memory of the first time you and Loki spoke. The current moment paralleled that one so strongly – in the library, late in the night, the fireplace nearby, the sofa beneath you, Loki sitting next to you. That was when he had sought you out, telling you he was interested in you from overhearing your conversation with his brother. It was when he had first told you he would be willing to help you manage your unraveling rage. It was the day it all had begun.
You were pulled back to the present moment as Loki asked you a question. You blinked a few times, making eye contact with him.
“I’m sorry,” you said, shaking your head and blinking. “What did you say, Loki?”
“I was wondering if you were really alright, darling,” he replied, looking into your eyes more closely.
“Oh, yes,” you laughed breathily, turning to look down at the book in your lap. “My mind is a million miles away suddenly, I apologize.” Loki only shook his head.
“You have no need to apologize,” he said gently. “You never do.” You made eye contact with him again, smiling.
A sudden silence settled over the two of you, and you searched for words to continue the conversation. You found what you wanted to say and began.
“What have you been reading–” you started speaking, just as Loki did.
“Can I possibly–” Loki spoke at the same time.
You both chuckled simultaneously, and you lightly tapped Loki’s arm with the back of your hand.
“You go on right ahead, Mr. Prince Loki,” you joked. “My question was unimportant.”
“I’m sure it was pertinent,” he smirked at you, chuckling again. “But if you insist, I do have something important to ask you.” You nodded, suddenly becoming serious, and sat up straighter.
“Yeah, Loki,” you said, a slight nervousness to your voice. “Whatever it is, ask away.” Loki paused, seeming as if he was pondering his words.
“Would you… ah, be willing to have a bit of a serious conversation?” he asked, rather tentatively. You took a deep breath, suddenly nervous, before nodding.
“Um… I mean, yeah, Loki, it’s probably long overdue, if we’re honest with ourselves,” you said, smiling at him softly. He nodded at your words, eyes fixed on the fireplace in front of him.
“I can start, if you’d like,” he said after a moment. You nodded.
“If that’s what you wish,” you agreed, letting out a shaky breath. He nodded.
“There is something I have wanted to tell you for quite a long time,” he began, turning to face you. “I should have approached you with this months ago, but honestly, I was too ashamed. And I was nervous about how you would react.” He let out a breath, and you stared at him quietly as you listened to his words intently.
“You seemed so angry at me when I first returned. I suppose I felt it easier to try to charm you, but obviously, that was not the right thing for me to do to try to mend things with you. I should have just had a serious conversation with you, but I suppose I let my fear hold me back.”
You blinked at Loki, letting out the breath you had been holding without realizing it. His honesty was jarring and unexpected. Your chest felt tight, not knowing what to expect he would say next. You searched for your own words for a moment.
“It’s alright, Loki, really,” you reassured him sincerely. “I didn’t know how to act when you returned either. I was angry, but it wasn’t really right for me to not even give you a chance.”
You paused in thought, searching Loki’s expression to gauge his response. You couldn’t tell what he was feeling, but he seemed nervous.
“Is that all that you wanted to tell me?” You asked after a moment. Loki shook his head no softly at you, shifting slightly. He paused, seeming like he was trying to form his thoughts.
“I realized something when I first returned here and saw you again,” he confessed, staring down at his hands. “Ever since the night that I left you and Asgard, I haven’t felt like myself. I think it’s part of the reason I gave myself away to the dark side and mind control, and did all of those dreadful things in New York.” He paused, glancing up at you for only a moment before returning to staring down at his hands as he spoke. “I haven’t recognized myself since the moment I allowed myself to hurt you… The guilt that I feel for hurting you has consumed me for the past few years… I’ve thought of nothing but the look in your eyes when I said those horrible things to you that night.”
Loki let out a shaky breath before looking up to make eye contact with you. You were too stunned to speak, your thoughts racing at all of Loki’s confessions.
You had spent the last several years wondering how Loki felt about everything – if he felt any remorse or guilt for you. Now, hearing that he did feel sorry for all the hurt he caused you, you didn’t know how to feel. Part of you felt relieved to know that he had hurt too – that you weren’t the only one who had suffered in all of this. The other part of your heart ached at the thought of him suffering for all this time, that the reason he went to the dark side was because of the guilt of what happened with you.
“There is more I wish to say, if that is alright with you, darling,” Loki continued suddenly out of the silence as you were lost in thought. You nodded quickly and listened closely again as he continued to speak. “I want you to know that I realized after everything happened that you had been right, as much as it killed me to have been wrong about what was best for me.” He paused, taking a deep breath before continuing.
“The truth is, I was a fool. I would have been better off giving everything up and forgetting about all of the power struggles in my family. You were right that it wasn’t worth it; that it wouldn’t have made me happy… that I would have been happier by your side… that I would have been better off loving you.”
In that moment, it felt like your heart exploded into a million pieces, your brain following suit.
You searched for what you should say, or what you wanted to say, but you were so overwhelmed that you couldn’t formulate coherent thoughts for a few moments. Loki had just said everything you had wanted to hear for years – the things that had kept you up at night in longing – and you had to question if you were dreaming. After a few moments, you noticed how uncomfortable Loki looked at your silence and hurried your thoughts to respond to him.
The only thing you could think about was how you wanted to tell him everything — how much you loved him, how you had suffered without him, and how long you had wished he would come back to you.
“Loki, honestly… you don’t understand how long I have waited to hear you say those things,” you confessed, chest suddenly feeling tight with emotion. You took a deep breath, trying to keep your emotions contained with all of your might, before continuing. “Can I be completely, brutally honest with you now?”
“Of course you can, darling,” Loki quickly responded, his eyes following you intently.
“When you left me, every part of me broke,” you told him, tears springing to your eyes unwillingly as you held his gaze, voice cracking slightly. “I didn’t feel like myself either – in fact, I completely lost myself. I still haven’t found myself. I've spent the last several years feeling numb, like I was lost in an empty void of nothingness.” You swallowed, breaking eye contact and staring into the fire. “I searched for you in trashy men, and when that wasn’t enough, I began isolating myself from everyone. Nothing, not even being an Avenger, could heal me.”
Your tears were falling freely at this point, and the pain in Loki’s eyes shimmered within his own unspilled tears that welled up.
“You were the only person who ever understood me and my anger towards the world,” you continued, looking into his eyes. “And the only person I ever really loved fully.” You broke eye contact again. “You broke my trust so much that I was afraid to get close to anyone ever again, so I never did. I haven’t opened up to anyone about the pain I’ve been enduring for years.”
Silence settled over the two of you for a moment as Loki studied your pained expression, his own expression similar.
“I thought that leaving Asgard was what would set me free, but now I don’t know what my purpose here is,” you added hopelessly. “I’ve been drowning in distractions ever since I came here to try to get rid of the emptiness.”
You hadn’t even really realized that you were crying so much, but sudden sobs wracked your body intensely as the vulnerability of your words hit you. In an instant, you were pulled into Loki’s arms tightly. He held you with such a fierce protectiveness, and his warmth and comfort hit you like a warm breeze, but only caused more tears to fall. You melted into his embrace, releasing the years of pent-up hurt, longing, sadness, anger, frustration, and multitudes of other emotions that you had struggled to process.
“I’m so incredibly sorry, my love,” Loki whispered to you softly, holding you tightly to him as you cried. “I’m sorry for ever thinking you weren’t the most important thing in my life. I’m sorry for not sticking by your side all along. I’m such a fool, I’m sorry.”
He continued to apologize again and again to you, rocking you back and forth softly as you sat in his lap, clinging to him, head buried in his chest as you met your release. You finally allowed yourself to give in to your true feelings for Loki, accepting his comfort and embrace after years of trying to convince yourself you hated him.
After some time, your tears and sobs simmered down into shallow breaths, but Loki did not let you go. You remained in the same embrace, his hold on you not wavering in the slightest.
Your mind was swimming with remorse for Loki, imagining all of the guilt he had probably felt over the years. You felt guilty now for allowing yourself to paint him out in your own mind as some kind of villain. You cursed yourself.
Deep down, you had known all along that Loki was just as lost and confused as you were. You were one in the same — soulmates with so many similarities. You were angry with yourself for allowing your anger and hurt to turn you against him for all this time. But you were foolish, just as he was — so you couldn’t blame yourself for anything either. You supposed it was all part of growth.
All you knew was that you needed him to know that you couldn’t really blame him for his mistakes.
“Loki,” you called to him, but didn’t move, and he hummed in response beneath you. “Honestly, I don’t really blame you for chasing power. I wish you had gone about it differently, but I understand more than you know why you did what you did. You were battling your own demons and problems in your life, just as I was. I could never blame you for not knowing the right way to go about things.” You felt Loki sigh beneath you.
“No, darling, there are no excuses for my cruel behavior,” he disagreed softly. “Despite anything else, I should have put you and our love first… And I did too many bad things not to be blamed for them.” He sighed again, his hand beginning to rub up and down your back gently as he pulled back to look into your eyes. “It’s why I joined the Avengers: to try to right some of my wrongs. And I mostly wanted to start with you.”
You stared into his eyes intently, drinking him in, your hands resting on his strong shoulders as you sat in his lap. A strong urge to kiss him consumed you suddenly, and since you were no longer resisting your desires, you followed it. Your lips met his hungrily, passionately. His hands gripped your sides firmly as you closed the distance between the two of you, bodies pressing closely together.
You kissed him with every bit of pent-up emotion you had, every moment you had spent daydreaming of him like this fueling your passion. Your hands found the sides of his face, coming impossibly closer. And in that moment, with that kiss, something within you seemed to fall into place. It was like every worry you had about anything – your anger, your purpose, your career, your mental health – it all vanished. All that mattered was you and Loki, the love that you had -- how it had somehow persevered through years of separation and hurt and brought you back to each other.
In that moment, you no longer had any doubts about how real your love for Loki was.
Loki pulled away suddenly, his hands coming up to grip the sides of your face as you both let out heavy breaths.
“Gods, if you allow me to have another chance with you, I promise I will never let you go again,” he said breathily, thumbs sweeping across your face to wipe away your remaining tears. You nodded quickly, throwing your arms around him and pulling him into a hug, head leaning down to rest on his shoulder.
“Loki, there has never been a doubt in my mind that you are the only one for me,” you promised, holding onto him tightly and sighing contentedly. “Please, don’t ever let me go again.”
Loki only tightened his hold on you, whispering his promises in your ear lovingly as he held you. You stayed in that position, you in his lap in a tight embrace, for a while longer, and before you could stop yourself, you were beginning to fade away into a blissful sleep.
Loki noticed your sleepiness as the weight of your limbs began to fall more heavily into him, and he smiled softly to himself, kissing the side of your head. You only snuggled further into him at his affection, and his heart ached. He slowly lifted you, carrying you to your bedroom to put you to rest in your bed, as much as he didn’t want to let you go.
He walked quickly and quietly, but ever so carefully to not disturb your sleep. He made it into your bedroom and tucked you underneath your covers tenderly, kissing your forehead once he had made you comfortable. You mumbled something in your sleep that sounded like his name, and he smiled fondly at you before leaving you to your rest.
His only thoughts focused on how ready he was to see you when you awoke in the morning.
Summary/Context: Your mental state declines further after your breakdown in front of Loki. You can no longer pretend you are okay anymore, but you won't allow yourself to seek help for your inner turmoil. You spiral into a dark place, isolating yourself from everyone and neglecting your own self-care for weeks. However, in your isolation, you realize what is really happening in your head, and you begin to accept some truths. Still, no one can reach you, and you throw yourself into your work more than anything else. This state leads you into a mission that lands you in a shocking experience. However, it's just enough to show you what your true feelings are.
Author's Notes: Get ready for the beginning of the fluff! Thank you so much for reading.
Word Count: 3,633 words
You could no longer pretend with Loki after your breakdown. You knew something needed to change, so you decided you would. Any time he was around, you avoided him entirely. You also avoided anyone else. You no longer came to dinner any night, barely came out for breakfast, and only stayed as long as needed for meetings and training.
Everyone was concerned, asking you if you were alright, and you just made up excuses. You could see Natasha and Wanda were very worried, but couldn’t find the energy to try to show up for even them. You were just done – shutting down, overwhelmed with trying to move past everything you were feeling.
Exhausted.
But you couldn’t sleep – plagued by nightmares of Loki mocking you, all of your pain and suffering, everything you had shared with only him – all of the deepest, darkest things you now wish he never knew about you.
You only craved isolation.
At meetings, and sometimes breakfast, you began falling asleep. During training, you only trained alone and worked extra hard in an attempt to feel something, release something, or wear yourself out – but only seemed to accomplish aching muscles. During missions, you lost yourself in the adrenaline, finding a high in the feeling of it reaching through your numbness. This made you rather reckless at times, but you didn’t have it in you to care.
Loki noticed all of this, and you knew it too. Everyone noticed it. You didn’t care, as all of your energy was going into surviving. You had nothing left to give anymore.
Natasha and Wanda tried to stage interventions, but even they couldn’t accomplish anything. You received flowers from Steve, an attempt to make you feel better; visits from Thor, an attempt to try to get you to talk; text messages from several other Avengers, all sharing their concern. You didn’t know why they tried when you could barely muster any gratitude to show them.
And Loki, well, he tried to talk to you, to smooth things over again and again. Each time, you responded with very little, but it always contained traces of anger.
You found yourself stuck in this mindset for two weeks, spiraling down an unforgiving rabbit hole.
It was then that Loki began to withdraw, finally, only being uncharacteristically nice to you in your interactions. He would occasionally crack a funny joke, trying to see if you would react, and sometimes you would give him a smile. But, overall, he laid off. The only time he hovered was on missions, but you ignored him. You didn’t have any energy for anything, pouring it all into trying to get back to yourself.
Another week passed, and you hadn't made much progress internally.
However, things began to become civil between you and Loki. This was a new kind of terrifying. You were beginning to feel things you attempted to resist with all of your might -- things that confused you and left you anxiety-ridden. But you couldn't stop them, and eventually, you were forced to face the terror inside your head. You were forced to try to understand just what the feelings meant.
A different kind of anger was rising within you with every positive interaction you had with Loki – an anger at yourself. With all of the time you had been spending alone, you began to realize what was really happening within you – what all this rage you felt really stemmed from.
It was what it always had been – longing.
You were angry growing up because you longed for the freedom to live how you wanted to and for a family that actually supported your wishes. You were angry when you were forced to marry because you longed for true love. You were angry when you and Loki found true love because you longed to be with him under better circumstances. You were angry when Loki sought power because you longed for nothing except to escape your anger, escape your circumstances, and find happiness with him. You were angry when Loki left you because you longed for one person in your life to put you first, to stick by your side. You were angry when you came to Earth because you longed for all of the memories that corrupted your mind to go away so that you could build a better life for yourself.
You were angry now because you longed for the only man you ever loved to come back to you – but wanting him back and loving him felt like betrayal to yourself since he had caused you so much hurt.
And that was the truth: you were still in love with Loki, and all of your rage towards him was just you trying to fight that truth. You focused on the hurt to protect yourself, because if you let go of all of the hurt, the love that you had for him was all that remained. And then you would have to face the complicated part – risking him hurting you again if you gave in to your love for him.
A twisted part of your brain felt that this was easier – that with time, maybe the rage would become your truth and not the fact that you were still madly in love with the person who had hurt you the most.
And with every sweet interaction he had with you, you began to sense that his truth wasn’t far from yours. That his persona was simply that – an act, as it always had been.
You knew that deep down. Deep down, you knew it was all a game – your game, his game. Your act, his act. None of this was really anything that either of you truly felt. You both were extremely similar, after all. It was why you had been drawn to each other, why you fell in love.
Even as you began to accept all of this, you still couldn’t shake the act. No matter how ridiculous you felt, you still weren’t comfortable with the idea of being vulnerable with Loki, or really anyone, again. It’s why you isolated, not only from Loki, but from everyone. It felt easier to hide than to be vulnerable. Your brain associated vulnerability with risk, and you feared that you wouldn't be able to handle another heartbreak.
So, you remained stuck in your rage to hide your fear. You let it eat you alive, let it turn you inside out, until you really didn’t feel like yourself anymore. Until it hurt so bad that you couldn’t think straight, that it made you feel numb inside because you had shut yourself off from anything good inside you and outside you. You knew it was stupid, and that only made you more angry somehow – your anger now at yourself.
And so, a particularly rough mission came that provided a lovely distraction for you. You were tasked to work alongside Loki, Wanda, Hulk, and Tony. As usual, the plan involved infiltration. You were entrusted to be the most agile member of the group to infiltrate the quietest part of the building, one that would require a lot of skill to be successful in. You had done this sort of thing many times before, though, so you weren’t nervous.
Loki was tasked to wait outside the door for you, providing a cover for you once you got outside, where you would be more visible. He would use his magic to turn the both of you invisible once you arrived. He would also be the primary backup for you if something went south.
You didn’t necessarily like having to rely on Loki this much, but couldn’t find it in yourself to worry about it when you had so much focusing to do to be successful at your own part of the mission. You hadn't been paired up like this since the first mission's disaster, so you did hope with all of your being that this mission didn't turn out like that one. But otherwise, you had grown to trust him more now that things had calmed down between the two of you, especially during missions, where he seemed to take things a lot more seriously.
Everything with the mission was going as planned – you had infiltrated the building, retrieved the intel, and now were making your escape. You were moving swiftly, having no trouble with weaving through the halls silently up until you began to hear voices, but couldn’t determine what direction they were coming from. You needed to talk on comms with Loki, but feared speaking, not knowing if the people would hear you.
Suddenly, the entire building’s power died, and the red emergency lights turned on, along with an intense blaring sound. You froze, glancing around, and jumped when, all of a sudden, Tony’s voice boomed through your earpiece.
“[Y/N], [Y/N],” he called, and you tried to dial in to respond, but your earpiece began to glitch out, and you could barely hear him. You tried to talk to him, but it didn’t seem like he could hear you. Suddenly, one word came through loud and clear – “Bomb!”
You panicked, forgetting any idea of stealth, and began to sprint, trying your best to hone in and focus on where you needed to go to reach the exit. Your mind was spinning, though, every anxious thought suddenly entering it as you realized just how screwed you were. You had no idea how long until the bomb detonated, and no idea just how big it might be. You also had no idea where it was, and therefore how much damage it might do to you.
You raced and raced through hall after hall, when suddenly, everything crumbled around you, and your world went dark.
The next thing you remember was shouting, so much shouting, and your ears ringing incessantly. You had no idea where you were and couldn’t feel or see anything at first. And then, an intense pain shot through your entire body all at once. You realized, then, when you couldn’t see anything, that you were buried beneath a ton of rubble. You tried to cry out, but were stifled, and began to thrash as hard as you could to get to the surface.
But movement was pointless. You couldn’t push all of that rubble off of yourself, and trying to only made the pain worse. You felt the rubble crushing every part of your body, a pain so intense you immediately felt tears in your eyes and the breath knocked out of your lungs. You couldn’t breathe — each breath proving more difficult than the last, and with the panic rising in your chest, air became needed more and more with each passing second. A million thoughts flashed through your mind, but one stood at the forefront.
This is it, I’m going to die.
And suddenly, several rocks were pulled off of you, your body feeling ten times lighter. You gasped for air, eyes opening wide. Smoke filled your lungs, and as you processed the sight above you, you understood why.
The sky above you was full of dark smoke, orange and black melding together. And then, you stared into two familiar, very blue eyes, a stark contrast to the colors you saw before. You recognized Loki above you, feeling as he ripped piece after piece of debris off of your body as you lay limp, unable to move a muscle.
“[Y/N],” he called, a worry you had never heard before in his voice. You looked at him in confusion and then tried to move, realizing you could barely move without immense pain plaguing your muscles.
“Loki,” you called back to him, panic rising in your voice as you began to shake violently. “Loki, I can’t move, I–”
“No, no, darling, don’t try to move,” he said quickly, pushing the hair out of your face after he moved the last bit of debris from crushing you. He gently slid his arms beneath you, picking you up slowly, and you groaned in agony.
“Loki, gods, it hurts so bad, it hurts so bad,” you called to him, tears beginning to fall rapidly down your face as you squeezed your eyes shut in pain.
“I know, darling, I’ve got you,” he told you, carrying you gently, but quickly, through the remains of the building and towards the Avengers aircraft. “I’ll get you to help, and it will all be over soon enough, okay?” You continued crying, clutching onto Loki as much as you could. Your head rested on his shoulder, face in his neck, as your hands gripped his shoulders tightly.
“Loki, I can’t, I can’t–” you paused, breathing heavily as you cried. “I can’t do this, it all hurts too much, I can’t–”
“Darling, don’t you dare say that, you most definitely can,” he scolded you gently, grip tightening on you as you got closer and closer to the aircraft. “You are the strongest woman I know, and I would never just say that, I assure you.” More tears fell at his words, and you held onto him tighter in response.
You arrived at the aircraft moments later, and suddenly, everyone was around you, and Loki was out of sight. Aside from the medics, Natasha and Wanda were right next to you, as were Steve, Thor, and several others. You looked at all of them worriedly at their shocked expressions, not knowing just how bad your injuries were.
You searched for Loki around you, spotting him behind his brother, but at a distance as he explained what he knew about your state to the medics.
And suddenly, the overwhelm of it all consumed you, and your world faded into darkness.
When you awoke, everything felt clearer. You squinted at the brightness of the infirmary lights, but sighed at the feeling of the soft bed beneath your body. You glanced around you, finding Natasha’s eyes quickly. She sat at your bedside, phone in hand, but leaned toward you in full attention as you woke up. She smiled, her hand reaching out to grab yours.
“Hi, stranger,” she said softly, giving your hand a gentle squeeze. “Welcome back to the land of the living.”
You glanced around a moment more, eyes still adjusting to the light, as you tried to sit up slightly. You grimaced, and she stood up to help you sit up. With her help, it was a lot easier.
“Thank you,” you said quietly, clearing your throat. She grabbed water for you, and you drank it gratefully, extremely thirsty. After a moment, you spoke again. “What exactly happened?” She sighed, taking your hand again.
“You're a hero, actually,” she said, smiling at your confusion. “We were compromised somehow, and they found out you were in the building. They set the building into self-destruction mode, attempting to bury you and the intel with you. Little did they know, you're a tough cookie.” She smirked proudly at you, and after a moment, you laughed softly in disbelief.
“Did we get the intel?” You asked, and she nodded. You laughed again softly, shaking your head. “I can’t believe it.”
“Why?” Natasha asked. “You’re one real badass, [Y/N], you should know that.” You laughed again.
“I guess so,” you agreed, but grimaced as you tried to move. “But now I have to deal with the consequences of an entire building collapsing on top of me.” She looked at you worriedly, gripping your hand tightly.
“How do you feel?” she asked, and you shook your head.
“Not the best, but I’ll be okay, I’m probably more sore than anything,” you said, and she nodded. “What did the doctors say, anyway?”
“Well, you had a lot of bruising, but that is healing quickly,” Natasha explained, and you nodded along. “They said you sprained several bones and bruised others, but miraculously, nothing was broken.” You sighed in relief, and she smirked at you. “You lucky Asgardian.” You laughed.
“I wouldn’t say lucky,” you disagreed. A moment of silence passed before Natasha spoke again.
“Hey, I have to say, you probably wouldn’t be doing so well had it not been for Loki,” she said, and you looked up at her, listening intently. “He found you so quickly and removed all of that weight off of you in no time. And he got you back to the ship promptly. That made a real difference.” You nodded and then took a deep breath as your heart fluttered at the thought that he had actually saved your life.
Natasha looked at you for a moment, like she wanted to ask you something, but then she just smiled at you before standing, telling you she needed to tell the medics and others you were awake. You nodded in agreement, and she left the room.
While you were alone, your heart began to ache at the memory and thought of Loki as everything flooded back into your mind. He had saved your life.
Reality began to sink in that you had almost died — that if it weren’t for him, you wouldn’t be here right now. Sure, it could have been any of the Avengers that saved you, but it wasn’t.
It was Loki. He had been so quick to get to you.
You couldn’t shake how worried he looked and the sweet things he said to you. He not only saved you, but also comforted you in such a traumatic moment.
You remembered how he acted so quickly, nothing stopping him from getting you help in that moment. You remembered his reassurance, his attempt to comfort you. You remembered how you held onto his shoulders as if they were your anchor, because in your agony, they were.
You thought of what he said to you -- that you were the strongest woman he knew -- and something about it made you feel so seen. And now, as you thought of his words, part of you felt like he wasn't only acknowledging your physical strength -- like he may have seen you fighting the battle inside your head all of this time.
Suddenly, the door opened, and in walked the medics. They checked you over for a while, asking you various questions about your physical and mental state. Soon enough, they told you that you were recovering impressively quickly, but that you definitely needed to stay on bed rest for at least a week to let your muscles and bones recover from all of the strain. However, they offered to move you to your own bedroom to make you more comfortable, and you happily agreed.
They helped you get back on your feet, and you managed to walk yourself to your bedroom with their help. You passed several Avengers along the way, all of them sharing their concern about your state and relief that you were okay. When you got to your room and settled into your own bed, you sighed contentedly. You thanked the gods for your ability to heal quickly as an Asgardian. You didn’t know how the humans did it, waiting so long to recover. A medic would be on call for you, with just the press of a button. You thanked all of the medics immensely.
A few minutes after the medics left, there was a knock on your door. You called out to the person to come in, and froze when Loki entered. He smiled at you, approaching you slowly.
“Hello, darling,” he said softly, and you smiled at him softly in return.
“Hello, Loki,” you replied, sitting up a little more. He came closer to you, approaching your side of the bed.
“May I sit?” he asked, and you nodded. He sat on the edge of your bed next to you and then began staring at you intensely.
“Loki,” you started, before he could say anything more, feeling a strong urge to speak your mind to him. “You deserve a huge thank you from me, so thank you. You saved my life.” He smiled at you, but shook his head.
“There is no need to thank me,” he said, his gaze soft. “I’m just glad you are okay.” He paused, checking over your face with his eyes. “How are you feeling?” You paused, taking a deep breath at how nice he was being – and how close he was.
“I’m okay, just sore,” you replied, smiling at him. “Again, thanks to you.” He shook his head, chuckling.
You had so much more you wanted to say and do, the urge to reach out and grab his hand intense. But you didn’t, afraid it was just all of the drugs and emotions getting to your head. Instead, you just smiled at him before closing your eyes, a different kind of exhausted feeling than before setting in.
“Are you tired, darling?” You heard Loki ask, and you hummed an affirmative in response as you gently nodded, eyes remaining closed. You didn’t know why, but you were being sucked into sleep so quickly.
This time, you felt yourself drifting off into a comfortable dreaming space. This one was filled with the thought of Loki saving you again and again, with the way he looked softly at you, with his sweet words, with the way he cared only about your well-being – with the way it seemed as if he still loved you, just as you loved him.
You heard him call out to you, but you were already too far gone into your blissful sleep. You felt yourself being moved, suddenly in a much more comfortable lying position. You couldn’t tell if it was real or imagined, but it felt as if lips brushed against your forehead.
And then, Loki’s real voice - “Rest well for me, darling.”
And you drifted off into one of the first peaceful sleeps you had had in what felt like years.
Summary/Context: After your fight with Loki on your first mission, you begin to shut down and your tolerance for him is spent. You avoid him at all costs, until finally he manages to speak to you after some time. You end up in another heated conversation, but this one is enough to trigger a kind of reaction from you Loki hasn’t seen.
Warnings: isolation, mental struggles, anger, tension, small fighting/arguments, thoughts of violence, a suggestive comment, hurt feelings, crying, sadness, heartache, reader is triggered, numbness
Taglist: @soulpiercing @oziozzioslo
Author's Notes: This part is rather short, but the next few are definitely a lot longer! Hoping to get this series all posted up soon. Just about finished with all of my first drafts for every part!
Word Count: 1,954 words
The change you were seeking in Loki did come, but with much more time and misery than it should have.
After the awful first mission with Loki and your two days in time-out per Fury’s order, your patience in handling Loki’s teasing and prodding was much smaller than it had been before. You had already been angry at him for all the past hurt he had caused you, and this incident was just icing on the cake of your disdain for him.
The morning after your two days in isolation, you marched into the kitchen for breakfast with only the intention to retrieve food and avoid socialization. That didn’t work, of course, when Natasha saw your distressed appearance and stopped you.
“[Y/N],” she called as you attempted to slip away, and you stopped.
She walked up to you, pulling you aside to talk to you privately from the rest of the Avengers. You hadn’t even looked to see who was there, and when you did, you caught the eyes of the one man you didn’t want to see. This time, you looked away, not having the energy to fight with him, and turned back to Natasha.
“You’ve been ignoring my texts for days,” she said quietly, and you sighed. “What’s wrong, honey? Is it about the mission the other day?” You simply nodded, not saying anything, and she sighed, pulling you in for a hug.
“I’d appreciate it if you could at least tell me you’re okay,” she said to you gently. “Wanda and I were worried sick.”
“I’m sorry,” you whispered. “I didn’t mean to worry you. I’m just not feeling myself. Maybe I’ll feel better once I’m back to work today.” She nodded, rubbing her hands down your back, before releasing you. You smiled at her, telling her you were going to go get ready fully for the day before leaving the kitchen. You were grateful she didn’t push you further about any details of why you were upset.
At the morning meeting, you could feel him staring at you once again. You didn’t want any interaction with him today and ignored his presence. After the meeting wrapped, you began to head to training per routine.
Suddenly, you could feel someone walking beside you, and you turned to find Loki walking in sync with you. He smiled at you when your eyes met, and you looked away, speeding up your walk. You avoided him the entire day, as much as he tried to find ways to interact with you.
This became the routine for multiple weeks, your interactions becoming limited. Part of you was relieved you’d managed to avoid any conversation, and another part of you was even more angry at all of the subtle glances and times he would intentionally try to get close to you. You were still undeniably pissed at him, and everything he did only seemed to continue to fuel the never-ending fire.
Finally, the day came when he actually managed to speak with you after breakfast. You’d woken up late and were the last one in the kitchen, finishing up your meal quickly before the morning meeting. He sat across from you, smirking at you as he simply looked at you.
“What?” you barked at him in between bites of food, causing him to chuckle.
“Nothing, darling, you’re just rather interesting,” he said, crossing his arms as he leaned back in his seat.
“Good to know,” you responded, finishing the last bite of your breakfast, your fork hitting the plate loudly. He chuckled again softly, but didn’t say anything more.
“What do you want?” you asked him, gathering your dirty dishes together and taking them to the sink. You heard him sigh.
“Honestly, just to delight myself with your lovely presence,” he said flirtatiously — but oddly, it seemed rather honest. You turned to him, looking him up and down and crossing your arms.
“That’s wonderful, but did you ever think to ask me what I want?” you asked him, raising your eyebrows at him questioningly.
“I know where this is going,” he sighed, but smirked at you nonetheless.
“Exactly,” you said, clapping your hands together as you smiled angrily at him. “I would like to delight myself by being out of your presence, and yet you find every chance possible to weasel your way into mine. It’s getting old, Loki. If you can’t find the door, I will.” You shook your head, turning towards the door and leaving without another word.
You could feel your mind spinning, suddenly really beginning to question what his motive was with all of this. You honestly didn’t like it, whether it was good or bad. Any of the options involved Loki wanting something from you, and you didn’t wish to give him any part of you anymore.
Hearing his voice after not speaking to him for weeks seemed to only reignite all of the anger that you had managed to quell in that time. Somehow, you still felt as mad today as you had in the days after the first mission’s disaster.
You headed to the morning meeting, Loki entering a few minutes after you. You made eye contact, and you gave him another angry smile and eyebrow raise. He shook his head at you, smiling smugly.
You wanted to punch him. Every part of you wanted to hit him with all of your might right there in the middle of the conference room, but you decided you wouldn’t risk your career and reputation for Loki. Instead of punching him, you took a deep breath, using all of your restraint to calm down.
The meeting flew by as it usually did, and once again, you found yourself on the way to training. You were looking forward to today’s session, having a particularly intense need to release all of your tension. However, you were found once again by Loki, this time in the middle of your training.
You had opted to train alone, warning Natasha that it was an angry day for you. She was so understanding, but concerned, so you quelled her concern with a couple of jokes to show her you were okay. He began to train on the machine next to you, glancing over at you every now and then while you ignored him and trained harder.
At one point, he simply would not stop staring at you, and when you caught his eyes, you jumped off your machine and approached him. He stopped as well, meeting you between your machines.
“Can you please stop staring at me?” you asked him, sighing in frustration. “I can’t focus, and this is the one outlet that helps me, other than sleeping.”
“I can think of other outlets that may help you as well, darling, but if you insist, I can leave you be,” he said, smirking at you.
“You’re disgusting,” you replied, rolling your eyes at him. “What makes you think that you can just talk to me like that? I mean, after everything, Loki, really?” You scoffed, shaking your head at him.
“Let’s not pretend we don’t know those things about one another,” he replied. “We were once lovers, after all.” He smiled at you then, a little less smugly, a little more sincerely. It was off-putting.
“Yeah, we were,” you emphasized. “But if you remember correctly, you left me. Which means that you really don’t have the right to decide that we still get to talk about those things. You weren’t the one whose life was ruined.” You tried your best to hold eye contact with him, but became overwhelmed at the vulnerability of your words and looked away, arms crossed, huffing.
“Darling, you seem to forget that we both contributed to the end of us that night,” he stated matter-of-factly, and anger boiled inside you at his words. You opened your mouth to speak, but paused, suddenly lost for words.
“I won’t argue with you about that night, Loki, because it’s over and done with, and I wish you would just leave it at that and stop trying to be in my life,” you said hurriedly, breathing heavily, before whisking yourself away from him.
You were seething at his notion that him leaving you was partially your fault, when he was the one who chose to leave; he was the one who valued you less than his power; he was the one who dismissed you, pushed you to the side, like you didn’t mean the world to him – when he was everything to you. You were done speaking with him at that point, knowing all you needed to about what he thought of things – enough to disgust you, enough to depress you, and mostly, enough to absolutely enrage you.
All you knew was that his words had cut you deep, and you needed to be away from him, and far.
You walked quickly, finding the exit to the gym and racing down the first hall you saw, not even really paying any mind to where you were headed. You found yourself in the lounge, which was empty since most people were in training or meetings. You could do nothing but collapse onto the nearest sofa, sudden sobs wracking your body. All that kept spinning through your mind was how dare he, how dare he, how dare he, how dare he…
How dare he try to say that he wasn’t the one who ended everything. The one who broke you. That you were to blame for all of this.
If you could have spent the last several years blaming yourself for all of this, it all would have been a lot easier. But you did everything you could that night to get him to value you more than his power, and he wouldn’t. And based on his words, he probably still wouldn’t today.
Why? You asked yourself. Why do I keep wasting my energy on him?
You were exhausted from dealing with the thoughts of him all day, every second – even in your dreams, he haunted you. And if it wasn’t your thoughts of him, it was actually him tormenting you while you were at work, the only time you had any distraction from the terror inside your mind.
You just wanted -- needed -- to be free.
The only escape you could think of at this point was to run away again, but you didn’t want to leave the one place you had found a home in – you couldn’t. But something had to change.
You just had to figure out what.
You sobbed and sobbed, trying to catch your breath but failing. Your head pounded, ears ringing, and you willed yourself to get up, hurry to your room before someone saw you like this – how broken you were. As you stood up from the sofa, you froze at Loki standing before you. Suddenly, the tears stopped flowing, your breathing paused, and you stood still and motionless before him. He looked at you in concern.
“Darling,” Loki pressed gently, reaching out to you. His hand touched your arm, and you flinched, but didn’t move. “Are you alright?”
You didn’t respond, face expressionless, body unmoving, eyes unmoving from the ground.
“[Y/N],” he called out to you. “I’m terribly sorry for upsetting you.”
You couldn't move.
“Is there anything I can do to make this right?” he asked gently after a moment. “I’m serious, I truly do apologize, I didn’t intend to upset you so.”
You only shook your head, slowly moving past him and out of the room, without a word or a glance at him. You ended up in your bedroom moments later, where you curled up in bed, feeling numb, and drifted into a restless sleep soon after.
Summary/Context: Loki abandoning you sends you into a spiraling rage that leads to a deep depression. You find yourself finally fulfilling your plan to escape Asgard, but even that isn't enough to calm you. Moving to Earth leads you to discovering your superhuman abilities and becoming an Avenger. You slowly better your mental state over time, exchanging your rage for a state of numbness. That is, until Loki's return drags up all of the rage that you had quelled. And the catch: Loki only seems to want to fuel the fire.
Warnings: mentions of the following- nonconsensual s*xual activity/forced intimacy, intense anger and depression, numbness spiraling, dark mental state, isolation, abandonment, hookups, bottled up emotions, enemies and slight mind games/arguments
Taglist: @soulpiercing
Author's Notes: Now we enter into the enemies-to-lovers trope... hang in there y'all, the fluff will be coming in this series, I promise! We're going to revel in the angst a bit first.
Word Count: 4,089 words
After Loki’s plan failed and he left, you entered the darkest part of your life.
You had known Loki wasn’t dead, and not just out of suspicion, but due to a binding spell Loki had cast to link the two of you. He said that the spell was simple, and your gut intuition would tell you if one another were dead since your souls were linked.
When Loki returned to Asgard some time later from committing crimes on Midgard, the rage inside of you was past control.
You were lashing out at everyone, completely inconsolable, and you spent the majority of your time alone. Your state only worsened as your husband was forcing you to actually engage in your marriage with him, pressuring you to produce an heir with him. You were forced into many uncomfortable situations that you didn't consent to, and you couldn’t take it anymore. You were beginning to snap, your rage consuming you just as you feared it might.
You only saw Loki once after he returned — the day they brought him in in chains. He didn’t see you, that you made sure of. You never wanted him to see you again after he abandoned you, and especially not after learning of all of the horrible things he did on Midgard.
You didn’t recognize this Loki, the one you loved being far gone, lost in a blinding pursuit for power.
Thor found you after Loki was supposedly murdered by the Dark Elves to inform you personally of his death, but again, you had a gut feeling he was still alive with the soul link. However, you didn’t tell Thor, not wanting to be wrong if, for some reason, the magic faltered.
You were still upset, nonetheless, to hear of what had happened. Your hurt deepened when Thor told you about the good that Loki did to help him, and your mind wondered if your Loki was still in there deep down. You couldn’t help but be hurt, having a feeling Loki faked his death again and wouldn’t be bothering to come back to you.
Thor also introduced you to Jane, who you quickly became friends with. You both talked for a long time, and you opened up to her about your unhappiness on Asgard. Jane expressed to you that you sounded more human-like than Asgardian to her, and that she thought you would fit well on Midgard. The more she described what it was like, the more you were convinced that your escape plan could really become a reality.
And that is what led you to run away from Asgard to live on Midgard, or Earth, with the help of Thor and Jane — and without a word to anyone else about where you were going.
You didn’t immediately become an Avenger. You actually spent about a year on Earth before joining the team, as you didn’t discover your superstrength until several months after your move. Just like Thor and Loki, you had the Asgardian strength advantage over humans, and also knew a few Asgardian magical spells. You were also very well-read and intelligent from all of the reading you had done.
During the year before being an Avenger, it was a rough adjustment. You struggled to navigate Earth for a while and had a hard time making friends as you worked on managing the rage you felt inside of you. Once you joined the Avengers team, things settled out for you, and you were relatively content despite echoes of your rage still plaguing your mind, especially when you learned that Loki was in fact found to be alive, and on Asgard with Thor.
You discovered your superstrength and magical abilities when you started taking self-defense classes. On Asgard, you had been given basic training by Loki, learning basic fighting styles and magical protection spells. You had never really needed to use it much on Asgard, as you were generally always safe from danger. On Earth, however, everything was different. You were on your own, and people generally had a lot more freedom, so crime was a lot more common.
You never wanted to feel powerless again, so you took it upon yourself to use the resources available on Earth to learn to fight. This led you to discover your abilities, which eventually led you to enlist as an Avenger since your strength and intelligence were such an asset.
Other than your work as an Avenger, the rest of your life was very complicated. You had two pastimes: partying or isolating.
You were admittedly messy for a long time, going from one extreme to the next. Deep down, you were just trying to find something to distract you from the pain of losing Loki and all of your traumatic memories from your life on Asgard.
Some days, you barely felt like getting out of bed, so you would sleep your life away if you had nothing else to do. Other days, you felt so restless that you could crawl out of your skin, and would go out clubbing or attend various parties around town.
You flirted with many men, occasionally losing yourself in a one-night stand a few times. You did limit your intimacy most of the time, not looking to get attached to anything serious, especially when a lot of your flings ended up becoming complicated.
It was all a distraction at the bottom line, and eventually, you stopped partying and dating entirely. It became too exhausting and seemed pointless, so you began to spend time with your two closest friends, Natasha and Wanda, or isolate yourself from any interaction altogether.
You had come to the point where you felt you were fading away, your true self lost in the background of your own mind and life. You were going through the motions, living what felt like a dream, an illusion, but you were shrouded in numbness all the while.
It was like you were stuck behind a wall of glass, peering in at your life but not having the ability to actually experience it.
Sometimes, you would break down, feeling as if you were broken. Every part of you knew you needed help, but you supposed it was your pride that kept you from actually seeking it. You knew you had people in your life who would support you in a heartbeat – any of the Avengers would – but you couldn’t muster the energy to reach out.
You supposed you were exhausted because of the endless loop you had become stuck in – distracting yourself and bottling everything up until you had to face it all, then not knowing how to deal with it, then self-destructing and isolating, and then going right back to square one.
The moment you looked into Loki’s eyes, suddenly all of the numbness had vanished.
It was as if you could finally feel the weight of the years of grief and pain that you had buried, trying to protect yourself. Now you could feel that familiar rage from before consuming you once again. This was the same rage that Loki was once the sole person to soothe, and now he was the cause of it.
What didn’t help your mental state was Loki’s seemingly incessant need to try to weave his way back into your life.
You noticed immediately the way he was lingering around you at first, and could tell he was trying to find ways to weasel his way into talking to you. You, however, avoided him at all costs, remembering his methods all too well. You had become an expert at his game, and he didn’t even realize it. You’d spent years being haunted by the memories of him, and now you understood his tricks more than anyone.
The second time you saw him was at breakfast the morning following the day he arrived. He was gathered with most of the Avengers, sitting next to Thor at the table as they all chatted, occasionally curiously asking Loki questions.
You refused to show him that he made you uncomfortable, keeping your head held high, but not necessarily seeking out eye contact or interaction. You distanced yourself from him, grabbing your breakfast and sitting at the island counter, your back facing him. You could sense his eyes burning into the back of you.
Natasha asked Loki a rather personal question, seeming to be trying to interrogate him gently. She was prying into why he felt like he should join the Avengers. You listened to their conversation intently, wanting to hear what he could possibly have to say.
“Well,” he started, but paused in thought for a second. “I suppose I will admit that I have realized many things about myself. Perhaps I don’t wish to destroy Midgard after all, and maybe there is nothing better for me to do than use my powers to be helpful to a good cause.”
All of the Avengers chuckled in slight shock at his response, but seemed pleased with his answer and commended him. You rolled your eyes, although no one could see you. It was a classic Loki response – he was only just being a crowd pleaser.
They continued to question him for a while, and each response only made you cringe further. It really seemed like he hadn’t changed all that much, still having the same charm and wit, and for some reason, that pissed you off beyond belief.
Just then, Bruce Banner asked a question that made you freeze in place.
“Are you sure your reason for becoming a good guy isn’t about that woman Thor told me about?” Bruce asked him, a teasing tone in his voice.
The room became deadly silent until Loki cleared his throat. You couldn’t see anyone, but sensed the energy shift into a tense atmosphere.
“What woman?” Loki questioned.
“The one you were in love with,” Bruce responded.
“That was a long time ago,” Loki said quickly, dismissively.
“He doesn’t like to talk about her,” Thor jumped in, obviously trying to save his brother.
“That just makes me want to know more,” Tony joked, and the others laughed in agreement.
But the silence from Loki was deafening, and the conversation’s subject quickly changed.
You didn’t move, tense as a statue. You glanced at Natasha and Wanda, finding Natasha’s eyes when she was already staring at you. She raised her eyebrow at you, as if to question your distance from the rest of the team. You shook your head, quickly standing up and leaving the room, not wanting to be questioned any further. You ran to your bedroom, praying no one would follow you, and no one did.
The next time you saw Loki was at the meeting that day, and reality began to set in for you that seeing him several times every day would now be the new normal. This thought only intensified your anger further, and you were finding it hard to keep your panic at bay. You steadied yourself as you always did, cementing your backbone and attitude, and carried on as stoic as you could be. You couldn’t just allow the man who broke your heart and ruined your life for years to hurt you any more than he already had -- he could not have that much control over you.
At the meeting, you could feel his eyes on you. For a while, you refused to look at him despite his eyes burning holes into the back of your head. You steadied your breathing and did your best to focus on the debrief Fury was detailing, but every part of you wanted to turn around, march over to him, and slap him silly for having the audacity to stare at you like he was.
But you wouldn’t let him have that satisfaction.
Eventually, as Fury finished up his last few notes and everyone prepared to leave, you turned around and found his eyes on you, challenging him with a dead stare. Your face was deliberately expressionless; you didn’t want him to know what effect he was having on you. That is, until he finally broke eye contact, and you smirked in satisfaction, turned back around, gathered your things, and made your way out of the room to head to training.
However, just then, you heard him chuckle distantly, and your satisfaction fell away, anger returning. This was all amusing to him.
When you got to training, you were practically seething. You met up with Natasha, your training partner, and faked being friendly and positive with her.
When you began workouts and training, you could feel all of your frustrations building, and knew this would be the way to release them. Physical exertion always helped with your anger, so you hoped you would be able to release it all and calm down after training.
Midway through, Natasha and you were doing boxing sequences when suddenly, Natasha stopped you, shouting your name. You froze, looking at her worriedly, suddenly realizing that you had been lost in a trance, hitting the pads on Natasha’s hands a lot harder than was necessary. She was shaking her hands around, then, trying to get rid of the pain from your strong punches. You ran to her, grabbing her hands gently to check them for injuries.
“Hey, I’m okay, [Y/N],” she said softly, grabbing your shoulders to make you look her in the eyes. “I’m more worried about you, love. Are you alright?” You sighed, shaking your head at yourself, at your mindlessness.
“Yeah, I’m alright,” you said to her, taking a deep breath. “It’s just another one of those crazy episodes I have. I’ve told you about them before, where I get really upset for no reason.”
Natasha nodded, but didn’t let go of you as she looked you over. She pulled you into a hug, then, and you sighed in her embrace. She really was a great friend, and somehow always knew just how much space you needed. Sometimes you thought that her and Wanda understood what you were going through more than anyone else ever had, despite not even knowing the start of what was really going on.
“I just want you to know I am here for you always, okay?” she said, and you nodded into her shoulder. “You can always talk to me or ask me for anything if you need help in any way.” You nodded again.
“I know, Nat,” you told her. “Thank you, truly.” She squeezed you one last time, and at that second, you looked up to see Loki and Thor entering the training room. She pulled away, and you faked a smile at her.
“Do you want to finish training solo today?” she asked you, knowing that giving you your space to release everything helped you. You nodded at her again, and she smiled at you and nodded before going back to her training by herself.
You looked up, making eye contact with both Thor and Loki as they approached you. You smiled at Thor, going in to give him a hug whilst barely glancing at Loki.
“Hello, my dear friend,” Thor said endearingly, hugging you tightly before pulling away. You smiled up at him, bidding him a short hello.
“How is your training going today?” he asked you, smiling down at you as he gently patted you on the back.
“It’s been rather relieving today, actually – a quite pleasant session,” you lied smoothly, eyes shifting to meet Loki’s.
It occurred to you that this was the first time Loki was hearing you speak since he returned. You held eye contact with him, refusing to break it once again as if to challenge him. He only smirked at you.
“Hello, [Y/N],” he greeted you. The way your name rolled off his tongue made you shiver, but you responded with a tight smile as you held eye contact.
“Hello, Loki,” you said with a menacingly false sweetness. “Have you finally found your way out of your grave?” Thor looked at you with wide eyes at your bitterness as Loki only chuckled.
“I suppose I have, although it didn’t feel like it until I got to see your ravishing beauty again yesterday,” he flirted with you rather boldly, and you only narrowed your eyes at him, frowning.
“Well, good for you, but I don’t need your flattery,” you replied, and he broke eye contact as he looked at the floor and chuckled. You continued to stare him in the face. “Especially when you can’t even hold my eye.”
He looked back up at you, and you raised your eyebrows at him. He looked as if he was searching for something to say, but you beat him to it.
“Especially because we both know the woman you were in love with sure as hell wasn’t the reason you became a good guy,” you said coldly, referencing the conversation at breakfast, before turning to walk away from them and returning to your training next to Natasha.
You could feel his eyes on you the entirety of the time you were finishing your training. You didn’t feel one bit of regret for being harsh with him — in fact, you felt relieved more than anything. You had wanted to say so many things to him over the years, and you were finally getting your chance to release some of your thoughts.
And so, this became the new normal. You would see Loki generally three or four times a day: breakfast, morning meeting, training, and sometimes at dinner. He would usually try to flirt with you at least once a day despite your obvious intention to avoid his presence, and you would shut him down harshly every time or simply blatantly ignore him.
His persistence to talk to you only seemed to intensify your rage towards him. You were getting to the point where you wanted to just isolate yourself so that you wouldn’t have to see him.
And then came the day you were to be going on your first mission with Loki on the team.
Your task was to infiltrate an illegal weapons compound, take down the organization running it, and confiscate the powerful and dangerous weapons.
Loki simply would not leave you alone. You had picked a seat close to Natasha on the plane, and he had conveniently chosen the one closest to you on your other side. You wanted to scream, because not only was it irritating, but it was blindingly obvious he was trying to get under your skin.
As Steve gave orders to everyone, he finished discussing yours and Loki‘s duties, moving on to the others. Loki suddenly leaned closer to you and you quickly jerked away from him. He chuckled, but still whispered what he wished to say anyway.
You were in charge of leading a line of a group of Avengers through the compound, including Loki. He told you to let him know if you needed any help with navigation in the compound, and the way he said it, as if you were helpless, struck a deep nerve in you. Your jaw clenched, and you didn’t respond.
“Oh, I didn’t mean to offend you,” Loki said charmingly, smirking at you. “I was only offering help. I do not doubt your capabilities for one second, for I know you are brilliant.”
You sighed, rolling your eyes at him. You gave him a glare, and he only smirked more.
“Don’t be so harsh, darling, I’m only trying to reassure you,” Loki pressed. You sighed again.
“Loki, I don’t need your reassurance,” you said flatly, turning away from him.
“My apologies darling, I only thought it might comfort you,” he said.
You had had enough of his pretending.
He was flirting with you like he actually cared, and even if he did, it was aggravating you to no end. He had returned from being gone for years after leaving you, and as if he had done nothing wrong, he resumed his place in your life like it was his choice that he got to be in it.
“Loki,” you turned to him, a sternness to your voice you had never had with him. He looked at you in slight shock as you shook with anger.
“I don’t know who you think I am, but I’m definitely not the soft and sweet girl you knew anymore,” you said, glaring at him intensely.
“Oh, I never remember you being simply soft and sweet,” Loki said smugly, his eyes traveling further down your body than you were comfortable with. You stood up suddenly, walking over to him and grabbing him by the collar, staring him dead in the eye.
“Loki, you were the biggest fucking heartbreak of my life,” you growled at him quietly. “I don’t wish to speak to you, so leave me alone.”
You released him and stormed back to your seat, staring down at your shaking hands to avoid eye contact with anyone else. You could feel several sets of eyes on you due to your outburst. You wanted to isolate so badly in that moment, but you were actively on the way to your mission. It took all of your self-control to keep tears from forming in your eyes, so angry you felt like you were going to explode. You reminded yourself to focus on your task and closed your eyes, trying to calm down for the remainder of the ride to the illegal weapons compound.
You’d thought your warning would have been enough to stop his incessant persistence, but it didn’t end there. For the entire mission, Loki felt the need to share his input on which direction he believed was best to go, even though you had studied the building map and knew what you were doing. You wanted to rip his head off, and when he had distracted you so much that you got lost, you nearly did.
Loki was suggesting another path to you without being asked for his opinion, and you turned to him suddenly, standing toe to toe with him.
“Loki, I did not ask for your input!” You growled at him, trying to keep your voice low. “Your incessant suggestions are the reason we are lost. You have distracted me so much you are compromising the entire mission, you bastard!”
A flash of anger crossed his eyes, and he began to breathe heavily.
“No, we are compromised because you wouldn’t listen to me!” He disagreed, and you growled in frustration.
“You’re just mad because you can’t boss me around and control me!” You hissed back at him, beginning to breathe heavily as well as you glared at him.
“That’s a ridiculous suggestion,” he shook his head, glaring at you.
You began to go back and forth, blaming one another, eventually to the point you were nearly shouting. The other Avengers with you had to split up your argument before your volume actually did compromise the mission.
In the end, the mission was successful, but only after lots of arguing. You spent the ride home in complete silence, refusing to look at Loki or speak to anyone, so full of rage you were afraid you were going to snap at any moment.
When you arrived back for a mission debrief, you and Loki were called to stay over. You sighed, knowing exactly what this would be about. Fury lectured the both of you about arguing on missions, taking missions seriously, and working as a team as colleagues despite anything else. He told you if you couldn’t work together, one of you would be required to sit a mission out each time. You both agreed to stop fighting, and he advised you to take at least two days to cool down.
You spent the entire two days in isolation, trying to self-soothe your building rage, but you were unsure what to do. Loki picking fights with you during a mission and getting you in trouble with your boss had crossed a line you couldn’t let go of, even though you knew you had participated in the fight too.
It was as if he were intentionally trying to get a reaction out of you, and you could not understand why. You just wanted him to leave you alone -- to stay as far away from you as possible. You didn’t know how you were going to survive working with him every day.
Something would have to change, and soon, or you feared you would be sent over the edge. And you didn’t even know what you would do if you got to that point.
Summary/Context: Ultimately, you and Loki fall in love because of your cynical similarities. Your love is deep and soulful because of this, and you understand each other in meaningful ways. Your demise comes in your different methods to obtaining freedom. You are left devastated when your differences split you apart.
Warnings: This chapter is definitely angst heavy and has a sad ending. Just a forewarning! Arguments, screaming, conflict, sadness, abandonment
Taglist: @soulpiercing
Author’s Notes: Let the depths to this story begin… I’m so excited to post more parts to this series! Also- let me know if you want on the taglist!
Word Count: 3,058 words
And thus began the start of your and Loki’s story, which only continued to reach more depths with each and every visit you made to each other subsequently.
Not only did you help each other manage your rage, but you also bonded over your mischievous ways. Mischief actually became the focus of most of your time together.
After your initial conversation, the next few were all when you sought him out for comfort when the world began to feel like too much. Loki began to arrange more times to see you, coming up with various ways you could slip away from your husband or family, and locations where you would be hidden from others seeing you together.
Falling for Loki was as easy as breathing.
He understood you in ways you never imagined anyone could. For every part of you that was disgusted with society, there was a part of him that felt the same way. For every mischievous idea you had, he had ten more. For every hopeless thought you had, he had at least one to relate to you. For every ounce of rage you contained in your bones, he had two more to match it. For every part of you that just craved genuine acceptance, Loki was there to accept you. And for every part of him that he needed someone to accept, you were there to accept him.
The connection you had was genuine and ran deep, your souls matching one another in a seamless bond.
The thrill of your love began to intensify the more you snuck around, and your need for Loki intimately with it. A certain sense of freedom that you had never experienced boosted your confidence, and you began to feel the happiest you ever had.
The control over your life suddenly felt like it was finally in your hands, for the first time in your life.
On a particular evening, you and Loki met in the gardens, and you were feeling particularly bold. You were discussing potential ways you might be able to get out of your arranged marriage as you strolled through a dark section of the gardens many people never traveled to.
Loki was explaining his idea to you, but you were too distracted by the sound of his voice and how utterly breathtaking he looked that night in the dim light. When he stopped talking and looked at you questioningly, you moved closer to him.
“What is it, darling?” Loki asked you, smiling down at you. You grinned mischievously before biting down on your lower lip gently, eyes flicking between his eyes and lips.
You hadn’t taken your relationship past friendly interactions, but every part of your being longed to kiss him until you saw stars, and you couldn’t resist your temptation.
In a leap of faith, you initiated your first kiss hungrily. Loki let out a small chuckle and kissed you back passionately, his hands gripping your waist firmly and drawing you closer.
“Darling [Y/N],” Loki said breathlessly when you finally broke the kiss. “You are full of surprises, I must say.” You grinned up at him, breathing heavily.
“No, Loki,” you said, leaning back into him, ghosting your lips over his. “I just need you.”
You kissed him again, and this time he responded with even more passion, pinning your back to a concrete wall in the garden as he towered over you. One of his hands held your waist tightly, and the other came up to cup your cheek as he kissed you. After a few moments, you gently bit his lip and fisted his shirt in your hands. He pulled away slightly.
“You best choose your next actions wisely, darling,” he growled against your lips. “I may have lots of self-control, love, but you are tempting me into madness, and I might not be able to stop myself from taking all of you with me.” You giggled, burying your face in the crook of his neck before biting his neck gently.
“Madness is the point, silly,” you whispered in his ear, and in a split second, you were whisked away in his arms. You gasped, suddenly worried someone would see you as he began to carry you through the garden.
“Don’t worry, I have magic, remember?” He reassured you, sensing your worries immediately. “We are invisible to others. Your wish is my command, darling, so I will take you to my chambers, if you please.”
“Yes,” you said in agreement quickly, and he chuckled while you giggled, full of mischievous joy.
He quickly took you to his chambers, and that was the first night you made love of many, many more nights. It was also the first night you confessed your love for one another. From there, things very often got heated, and it quickly became an outlet for the two of you to show one another your love and release your frustrations.
~
You and Loki were both cynical in many ways.
You had admitted to each other many dark thoughts you both often had about committing horrible actions against people who made your lives miserable. Of course, you both felt ashamed for the darkest of things. However, there were often times you would discuss ways you could get up to a little mischief and change things for the better in your lives. Loki often discussed the possibility of trying to convince his parents to remove you from your marriage so he could be with you, but both of you feared it was a long shot and worried about outing your relationship, especially when it was going so well.
It quickly became obvious to you both that your love for one another was the best part of each of your lives, but that everything else was so complicated it almost began to dampen the spark of your love.
Loki kept dreaming of different plans he could initiate to gain more power or freedom for himself and you so that you could better your lives. He became particularly obsessed with the idea of you ruling alongside him, and although you never fought him on his ideas, you more so urged to him the idea of running away from Asgard.
The difference between you and Loki quickly became apparent: Loki craved power, thinking it would set him free from all of his rage, while you craved escape as a means of freedom.
And although you never fought Loki, you began to worry when he seemed to become busier and a little distant from you. You regretted now not questioning him more at that time, prying a little more so that you would have known of his plans before it was too late.
But deep down, you knew it probably wouldn’t have changed anything. Loki had become too obsessed with the idea of power, and although you could tell he tried to keep you involved in his plans, he was also way too protective of you. He wouldn’t put you in harm's way, no matter what, above anything else.
You found out about his plan to try to win his father’s favor soon before the Jotuns came to attempt to kill Odin.
You had agreed with him that it was a great plan to gain his father’s favor, so long as no one found out. But you warned him about his conflicts with Thor and his friends, urging him that he needed to be more secretive, and shared your disapproval of his plans to destroy the entire Jotun race. He wouldn’t hear any of your concerns, insisted that his plan would work, and claimed he was hurt that you didn’t have faith in him, even though you tried to assure him that you did.
That was the first and only argument that you had ever had, and it ended with you begging Loki to either stop his madness and let you help him make things right, or to just run away, forget about all of Asgard’s nonsense, let go of his pursuit of power, and just live happily with you. Loki insisted he must complete his mission, that it was something he needed to do for himself.
That was the last conversation you had before Loki’s plan went south, and the memory that haunted you the most today.
You could remember how you begged and pleaded with Loki that night, feeling so powerless for the first time in the one place in your life that had given you strength. Looking back, the night seemed like a dream -- a nightmare. It was as if a dark cloud had made its way over your world, bringing out the very worst in everything around you, and hadn't really left since that sorrowful night.
You were so frustrated that your nails had dug trenches into your palms, the rage you felt numbing the pain. You were tired of Loki hiding things from you and confronted him about being secretive when he came to see you before his plan was set into motion.
“Darling, I assure you that you can trust me,” he tried to dismiss your fears. “I have everything under control, and once this is over, you will see that everything will be better for us.” You sighed in exasperation, grabbing Loki’s hands in yours.
“I do trust you, Loki,” you promised him. “But I need you to trust me. Tell me what is going on. You know just as well as I that being in the dark is miserable. I just want you to share this with me so I can understand, so I don’t have to sit here worried out of my mind. I promise I will not doubt your plans, but please elaborate with me, I can’t take it anymore.” Loki sighed then, giving in to your pleas.
“I understand how you feel, darling, and I’m sorry,” he soothed you, smoothing your hair down tenderly on the sides of your face. “I will tell you everything, but I ask for your faith in return.”
“Of course you have my faith,” you assured him, caressing his cheek softly.
He then began to explain to you everything he had set in motion: how he had “taken care” of Thor; how the Jotuns would soon be attempting to kill Odin in his sleep, but he would be there to stop them; how he would destroy the Jotun race in just a few hours; how all of this would win him his father’s favor forever.
To say you were shocked at the extremity of it all was an understatement. You remember feeling sick at the knowledge of what he had been doing behind your back, your mind immediately worried about all of the things that could go wrong. To you, it was as though your world was crumbling. You had a horrible feeling that everything you had was about to slip through the cracks of your fingers. Although, his plan really was awfully clever. You acknowledged the intelligence of it all, but warned him of the flaws you saw: What if Thor returned? And what of the morality behind killing an entire race of beings? Would Odin deem that honorable?
Your criticism angered him, and he pulled away from you in absolute hurt. You felt horrible, but couldn’t just sit and keep your worries to yourself, or they would have made you even more sick. He turned to you with such anger that you had never seen in him, especially not directed towards you.
“Darling, why can’t you just trust me?” he said bitterly, throwing his arms up in the air as he stared at you with a fury in his eyes unknown to you.
You shrank back into yourself, looking at the floor to avoid his eye contact as you tried to tell him that you did trust him.
“You obviously do not, or you would not question my well-thought-out plan!” he spat, his chest beginning to heave as he paced. “You know, I expect these kinds of doubts from the others, but from you? Well, it is utterly disappointing, darling. Have you really no faith in me, no faith that I can execute this plan and better our lives?”
“Loki, of course I do–” you started, before he cut you off.
“You do not, or you would not have so much criticism!” he shouted, making you shrink back even more. “My plan will work, I assure you. You just wait here and stay out of it, as I had intended for you from the beginning.”
His words cut into you like knives. All you wanted was to express your concerns, to help him.
“Loki, I’m just afraid!” you said exasperatedly. “I don’t want anything to go wrong. I am simply trying to cover every possibility, not criticize you! I’m worried, my love! This plan has many risks.”
You sounded fearful even to yourself, but it was the truth. You had a horrible feeling about all of this.
“Do you not think I have also thought of the risks?” Loki questioned you harshly, not paying any mind to your genuine concern. “Do you doubt me so much to think I don’t have this all under control? You are the one person I never expected to doubt me, [Y/N]. Sure, there are risks involved, but my plan is perfectly crafted and nothing bad will come of it. I have designed it so that everything will be fixed and we will have a better future, just you wait and see, darling, I promise.”
He approached you then, cupping your face in both of his hands.
“Freedom and power wait for us, darling," he whispered as he stared into your eyes intensely. "We are a few hours away from everything changing for the better, and I wish you would share my excitement.”
He looked at you tenderly, then, and you released some of the tension in your body, but still felt so unheard and made powerless by him. He was pushing you aside just like every other person in your life had. You had spent so much time being comforted by him when others had made you feel unheard. He knew being dismissed was the thing that hurt you the most, and yet he could not see he was hurting you at all.
His recklessness was terrifying you, even though the risks were so high and the potential of his plan falling through the cracks was imminent. And yet, he would not listen to you.
“Loki,” you began, tears beginning to fall down your cheeks. “I trust you and have faith in you with all of my being. But I can’t just let you silence my logical concerns. I have a horrible feeling this is not going to go how you are picturing it, and I will not stop you, but I also will not condone this. I pray that it goes as you wish it will.” You embraced him, then, holding onto him tightly.
“So be it, darling, but I assure you everything will be fine,” he whispered in your ear. He held you with just as much passion until he pulled away, telling you it was almost time and he must go.
The reality of the situation began to sink in suddenly as he moved to leave, and panic began to rise in your chest.
“Please, Loki,” you called, stopping him. Your tears began to flow a little more freely.
“What if you just tried to stop it all now?" you pleaded. "We could end it and make things right. Or we could just leave here after the Frost Giants are taken care of. No risks, no potential of things going horribly wrong. We don’t have to do all of this; we could just leave this place and forget about all of the complicated issues. We could leave and just be happy together.”
You were begging at this point, sobs wracking your body. Loki sighed in frustration.
“For all that you say you have faith in me, you really don’t appear to,” Loki said tiredly, staring at you with hurt in his eyes. “You know that running away will never fix these problems, [Y/N]. We could have so much more here. I could have so much more here. I’ve already got everything set in motion, I would be stupid to give it all up and run away now. I have to do this for myself, and I really wish you would just support me in this. If I have to go at it alone, I will... but, just know that I am doing this for us.”
You shook your head, sobs wracking your body.
“You’re not doing it for us, Loki,” you sobbed. “You’re doing it for you. I don’t want power, I just want you! I want nothing from Asgard except for you... but all you want is power! Please stop this!”
“Do not presume to know what I want!” he raged suddenly, looming over you in a fury. You jumped back, covering your head with your hands and shaking in sadness and anger.
“You know what, you’re right," Loki said, a dark tone foreign to you overtaking his voice. "I am doing this for myself, since you cannot find it in yourself to support me. I am a god, and soon I will be a king. I always wanted you to be the one ruling beside me, but if you cannot support me, then consider yourself relieved of your duties.”
With that, he turned away from you, storming to the door.
“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have more important matters to return to," he declared, and the door closed behind him with a loud bang.
You were overcome by sobs as his final words crushed you.
You felt betrayed above all, more than anything. You knew there was no good ending, especially when Thor’s return was likely.
Most of all, you were hurt because he didn’t listen to you, and you were hurt that he felt he would be happier with power than he would be simply pursuing a life with you.
You were on the rainbow bridge that night and watched as Loki let himself go, leaving behind not only his family and home, but everything you had built together in your relationship.
Summary/Context: Upon Loki's return into your life, you think back to where and how your relationship began. It all started when Loki became interested in you after hearing a conversation you had with Thor, quickly leading to an insatiable infatuation that led you both to discover your similarities.
Warnings: feeling outcast from society, family trauma, slight female objectification
Author's Notes: Here is part two... the story really starts to deepen soon! Thanks for reading!
Word Count: 1,461 words
Your relationship with Loki had all begun with infatuation and longing.
Your life had been traumatic from the start, and you had wanted to run away before you could even read and write. From a young age, your parents had forced you into an archetype and planned your entire life’s story for you.
It unfortunately wasn’t entirely uncommon for families in the higher class to marry off to increase familial wealth or form alliances. Most women like you were entirely compliant and happy to marry wealthy, high-class Asgardian men, as it was the social norm -- but not you. You dreamed of real love from a young age and longed to have the freedom to marry and do as you wished.
You had known even as a child that you did not want your story to be written by other people. You yearned for freedom and adventure like you yearned for air and water to live.
It was why Loki was so appealing to you – he was full of quiet chaos.
He was the God of Mischief, which was something you found yourself tangled in as you tried your damndest to rebel against your parents and arranged husband. This was what attracted Loki to you - you were not compliant, as most Asgardian women were. You weren’t afraid to get up to a little mischief to protest against everything you were forced to do.
A marriage was arranged for you despite all of your tears and pleas, and you were essentially sold off like a pig. The man you were married to was everything you weren’t: properly high-class, respected, and conforming -- and consequently, he was boring. You felt as if you were doomed to live in misery, and in response, you did everything possible to make yourself inconvenient to your husband and parents to pass the misery right along.
Loki first noticed you when you were venting to Thor, your great friend, about wishing to escape your life.
Thor always tried to give you advice and support, but he really didn’t understand your lack of power over the situation. If you left your husband, you would be doomed to a peasant’s life, losing all financial support from him and your parents. Although you considered it many times, you knew deep down you would miss the riches, and you stood no chance in a peasant’s life. You were forced to choose one hard over another.
Loki overheard your conversation and found you alone in the library on an evening a few days later. The library was one of the only places you found solace from your parents and your husband, and had become one of your secret hiding places around the palace, along with the gardens.
Loki had seen you about several times before, but never knew you were so interesting until he overheard your conversation with Thor. He had secretly been stalking you out of curiosity since then. He watched you silently from across the library for a while as you read your book, which looked to Loki like a text on ancient Asgardian warriors. This was another intriguing detail to him - why would you be reading about warriors?
Loki slowly approached you, sitting next to you on the sofa quietly. A few minutes passed before you noticed him and nearly jumped out of your skin.
“Oh!” You shouted, jumping to your feet. “Prince Loki, I’m terribly sorry.” You bowed quickly to him, and Loki reached his hand out to you, waving dismissively.
“Oh darling, there is no need for apologies or formalities,” he said, his voice charming and smooth as he smirked at you. He gently pulled you to your feet and nudged you to sit back down. “Please sit, I was merely wishing to join your company.” You blinked at him with wide eyes, confusion making you cock your head at him.
“Join my company?” You questioned. “Why would you wish that?” Loki smiled at you once again, making intense eye contact.
“I’m going to be completely honest with you, darling,” he confessed to you gently. “I find you rather intriguing. I overheard your conversation with my brother at the banquet a few days ago, and I confess that I am curious to learn more about you.”
You stared at him in silence for a few moments, a thrill running up your spine at his apparent genuine interest in you. But ultimately, you sighed, turning back to your book and staring down at it blankly.
“I appreciate your flattery, Prince Loki, but I assure you that I am not very interesting,” you said, a flat tone to your voice. “My life is rather plain, just the same as most other young, high-class Asgardian ladies.”
“But from what I understand, you don’t have the same desires as the other ladies at all,” Loki observed, peering at you curiously. “Which makes you entirely interesting. You are a peculiar creature compared to the others … rather rebellious, if I may say.” You glanced over at him, your eyes locking, thoughts swimming in your mind.
“I wouldn’t necessarily say quite rebellious,” you disagreed. “I don’t tend to cause that much of a ruckus. I just tend to be…. ah… what would I call it?”
“Mischievous,” Loki finished for you, smirking at you. A glimmer appeared in his eye that you had never seen before, and something about it made you giddy.
“Yes,” you agreed this time, a sudden smile forming on your features. Loki stared at you in awe, his smile widening.
“Gods,” he began, but paused after a moment before continuing, staring at you for moments too long to be casual. “Your smile is simply more beautiful than anything I have ever seen in all of the nine realms.” Your breathing stopped, and your heart skipped a beat. You blinked several times, but never disconnected eye contact with him.
“Prince Loki…” you trailed off, not knowing what to say.
“It’s just Loki to you, darling,” he said charmingly, now much closer than you remembered him being seconds ago, his face glowing in the flickering light of the fireplace nearby.
You suddenly felt a wave of energy course through you, a fire lit within you.
“Loki,” you began breathlessly, turning more fully to face him. “May I confess something to you?”
“Of course, darling, whatever you wish to tell me I will not breathe to another soul,” he promised, and you believed every word, unquestionably. Something about him seemed so genuine, and you found yourself trusting him more easily than you ever had anyone else.
“I want to run away,” you confessed to him, and he nodded at you in understanding, urging you to continue explaining. “I wish to escape everything about my life … all of it has been arranged for me. It’s why I research ancient warriors, to see if I can come up with ideas on escape plans... I want to get away from my parents, my absurd husband, the fake ladies who are supposedly my friends, and every standard of this society I am expected to adhere to. It’s all meaningless… none of it gives me any genuine fulfillment, there’s nothing for me in anything…” You pondered for a moment, and Loki continued looking at you curiously.
“Part of me has wanted to run away for as long as I can remember, and another part of me wants to burn it all down,” you confessed with a shaky breath, staring deeply into Loki’s eyes as you admitted one of your deepest secrets to him. “I have a deeply felt rage inside of me that only seems to grow the longer I am trapped in this unfulfilling life. I am becoming afraid of what will happen if I don’t find anything to soothe it.”
Loki stared at you for several moments, his breath coming out just as shaky as yours.
“Darling,” he started, a hand reaching out to touch your cheek. You looked up at him in shock at his touch, and he only smirked. “I have never heard someone describe so exactly what it is that I feel every day I live.” He paused in thought for a moment. “You should come to me when you feel the rage reaching the surface … and maybe I can help you learn to control it.”
Something about what he was saying made you feel more seen than you ever had by anyone else in your entire life, and suddenly every part of you never wanted to leave his side.
“Yes, I will,” you agreed without a second thought, and you both smiled at one another.
And thus began the start of your and Loki’s story, which only continued to reach more depths with each and every visit you made to each other subsequently.
