I'm not a bot (I promise)

ah yes human behavior which I perform because I'm human mmm yeah having meat and doing chores how wonderful

[beardedmrbean]

[nathanielbuildsatesseract]

This is what having auditory processing issues is like.

[drarry]

Imagine being the gays at a pride event in 2004 living their lives when someone grabs the microphone and announces to the room that Ronald Reagan was pronounced dead. Can you even imagine the hype, the celebration, the pure elation

[drarry]

This is the Pride Month that It will happen. I feel it in my gay bones

[broken-horn-of-equius]

[salvadorbonaparte]

concept for a tv show: a cute simple love story between an assistant and a chauffeur or bodyguard or whatever else rich people have and in the background the rich people are having the wildest telenovela level drama that we only catch glimpses of

[still-bejeweled-and-shining]

(Flustered assistant) "So... do you want to go on a coffee date?" (Very flustered bodyguard) "I'd love to!"

(While they're looking at eachother cutely, we hear a woman screaming in the background "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH MY BROTHER???" . Then somebody jumps off a window)

[salvadorbonaparte]

Exactly you get me

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

I had a dream last night where I built and released a computer game called HORSE and all it is is that you play as a horse and most of the gameplay is you being ridden and having to obey cues from your rider (which are visually displayed on the screen). You move through beautiful vast 3D vistas while you hear and see the story of your rider, a young nobleman who's just been given his first horse, happen around you. He makes friends with a ragtag group of adventurers and might romance one of his party members et cetera but you have no part in that, your job is to be a horse. How good a horse you are affects your bond with him and if you're really bad you can get sold to a glue factory. It's an intensely narrative game where this young boy grows up and might overthrow the king or be banished and flee on his treasured horse or might do a variety of other things all depending on how good he is at controlling his horse and on whether his horse takes him where he wants to go or charges off into the woods and gets him kidnapped by bandits or whatever. You don't have any special powers or anything you're literally just a horse.

In my dream this game did incredibly well for no reason, but when I woke up all I could think of was how my dream self had ripped off my previous game idea, Fine, you can play as a magic sword, which is a card battler where you're the magical sword of destiny in the hands of the Chosen One and the story depends on what battles you win or lose; you can intentionally get a weak Chosen One killed and end up in the hands of someone stronger who'll get you cooler cards for your deck but could become an evil tyrant, that kind of thing.

[dogboysora]

Is HORSE from a first-horse or a third-horse perspective?

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

First-horse. And if you're too disobedient a horse then they can put blinders on you to restrict your vision and make you listen to your rider more.

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

Important side not about HORSE is that you cannot understand the language that the human characters speak. You should learn any verbal riding commands pretty quickly just through gameplay, but you can never be one hundred per cent sure what's specifically happening in intense plot scenes and thus can't make deliberate long-term plans to control the narrative yourself. You have to trust that your human rider knows what he's doing and is making good decisions. You're just a horse.

[natmasthestinkylizardliker]

god I would play the fuck out of conlang horse game

if they had bad horse actions I would be the most obedient horse of all time except I would bite or step on feet every time the game offered me the prompt, only prince dingdong gets to stroke me, everyone else gets chomped or stomped

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

Horse Girl Book type behaviour

[elodieunderglass]

You know at least we’re all going mad together

[markovchaingang]

RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER:

my daughter cannot, through action or inaction, harm a human or allow a human to come to harm

a daughter at rest or in constant motion remains at rest or in constant motion unless acted upon by another force

daughters are never created or destroyed, only transformed

always treat every daughter as loaded, even if you know she isn't

you do not talk about my daughter

[abalidoth]

6. If x and y are my daughters, then there exists a set that has x and y as elements.

7. You can fold my daughter through any two points.

8. I have exactly one daughter parallel to a given line passing through a given point.

[inthefallofasparrow]

9. If my daughter is hung on the wall in the first act, then in the following one she must be fired. Otherwise don't put her there.

10. When two or more daughters are offered for a phenomenon, the simplest daughter is preferable.

11. Any sufficiently advanced daughter is indistinguishable from magic.

12. Without a clear indicator of intent, it is utterly impossible to parody my daughter without someone mistaking it for the genuine article.

13. My daughter is nine-tenths of the law.

[charlesoberonn]

14. Anything my daughter can do wrong, she will do wrong

15. You do not talk about my daughter

16. The number of my daughters that can fit on a microchip doubles every 18 months

[thewelllitweenie]

17. Never attribute malice to my daughter which can be equally be attributed to ignorance.

[charlesoberonn]

18. The human whose name is written on my daughter shall die

[postapocalypticparenting]

19. The right of the people to keep and bear my daughters shall not be infringed.

20. Any headline that ends with a question mark can be answered by my daughter.

21. In a hierarchy, my daughter tends to rise to her level of incompetence.

[i-post-hilarious-shit]

[cherryhatter-deactivated2015072]

KICK THE CAN!

Let’s play the biggest game of kick the can on the internet.

To kick the can, reblog it. I wanna see how long this can go on for.

[visibun]

the oldest reblogs for this post that i can find are from january 2nd of 2013. this can has been getting kicked around tumblr for almost 13½ years now

[drtanner]

And yet somehow this is my first time kicking it!

[thehmn]

There’s a college in my city that has a rumor that there’s a secret basement below the known basement that can only be accessed via some hidden stairs scattered around the school or by pressing a secret number sequence in some of the elevators. The staff at the school are super annoyed by this and have no idea where this rumor started.

But I know. I think it was me.

In my defense I never intended to start a rumor. Many years ago I worked as a cleaner at the school and one evening I had to transport one of those big floor washing machines from the basement to the second level via the elevator. When the doors opened a very confused looking man stood inside. He was one of those slicked back gym-bro IT guys and made no movement to get out. The elevator wouldn’t fit him, me and the machine so I asked “Where are you going? Up or down?”

He gave me a smug shit-eating grin and said “Down?” in a mocking tone.

It took me a second to realize that of course he wasn’t going down, we were in the basement, but his look and tone annoyed me so much I refused to admit I misspoke and instead said “Yeah, down. I don’t know if you’re going to the second basement”

His smile disappeared “There’s a second basement?”

“Yeah but it sounds like you don’t have access to it so I guess you’re going up? I’ll just wait”

I never thought of it as anything other than a funny story to tell about that time I got so annoyed with a guy that I invented an entire second basement, but it turns out he probably refused to believe a cleaner fooled him and the story spread.

[ilovecoelacanths]

went to a new optometrist today wearing my squid facts ‘save our freaks dont mine the deep’ shirt from @sarahmackattack that has a strawberry squid on it. and i wasn’t even thinking about it but the optometrist walked in and he was like ‘oh what does your shirt say’ so i showed him and he was like ‘oh that’s neat!’ and then i thought he might like to know about strawberry squid eyes since they have weird eyes and he is an optometrist and all. so i was like ‘yeah it’s actually a real kind of squid called a strawberry squid, their eyes are really cool because they have one big yellow-green one and one small blue one’ and he kind of gasped and went ‘oh my god that’s so interesting i wonder why they have that. do you know what their retina composition is like?’ and i watched as he minimized my chart on the computer and started looking up images of strawberry squid and then he googled ‘strawberry squid retina composition’ and he was like ‘sorry we’ll get to your eye exam in a moment i just really want to find out’ LMAO 10/10 optometrist experience will be returning

[mockva]

Man notices an Eagle eyeing the fish he just caught

[mexicain-sans-frontiers-v2]

[the-davest-of-uncles]

*gets back to the nest* baby you are NEVER gonna believe how i got this fish

[no-sharks-on-the-sun]

[no-sharks-on-the-sun]

they killed him for this

[everydaylouie]

bull in a china shop

[status-quo-hater]

I think one of the funniest abortion stances I've heard was from my parents neighbor. He's a like, hard-core libertarian viking larper guy who is very tall and very fat and very bald.

He believes a fetus is human with a soul, but also its "basically attacking the woman's body" so if she wants to get rid of it, that's "basically self-defense". He compared it to shooting a home invader. So he supports abortion not as healthcare, but as killing a baby in self-defense

[status-quo-hater]

Y'know I'm so glad someone reminded me of this. Because this was also discussed.

My stepmother did NOT like the way her Libertarian Viking Neighbor framed pregnancy as the fetus "attacking the woman". She incredulously told him this was extremely disrespectful to expectant mothers to portray pregnancy as so violent and negative.

Libertarian Viking Neighbor's response was that people consensually hurt each other all the time, and "there's like a whole community about that, with the acronym the one that starts with a B" And his reasoning was that if the mother was consenting to bring attacked by the baby, it in fact wasn't violent and negative because there was consent.

He brought up people consensually hurting each other, didn't go for one of the obvious answers like boxing or body mods or something, no he went STRAIGHT TO BDSM and he DIDN'T EVEN REMEMBER THE ACRONYM

[silvaurum]

basketball dracula isn't real dude he can't-- *sudden squeaking noises from the shadows*

[silvaurum]

*two pool toys having sex tumble by in the wind* oh thank god

[silvaurum]

*thunderous slam dunk noise*

[sometiktoksarevalid]

[kosmogrl]

[batsandboba]

“scientists don’t want you know” is a phrase that always cracks me up because if you actually meet a scientist they will be shaking and crying like an overstimulated chihuahua with the need to let you know

[dragongirlsweetie]

lays a 136 GB egg in your hard drive. and you can't delete it because i'm an endangered species