I was bored in class and started to wonder when excatly astairion fell in love with you. Like his tone when he said I love you? I know it was very well practiced and that why he had that tone but the laugh he lets out afterwards seemed... panicked? anyway this is just a short sweet pov of astarion figuring out his feeling and having lots of anxiety. Might be slightly ooc but that's because I'm not that good at writing.
He didn’t know exactly when he fell in love with Tav. He knew he started to care about them when they didn’t drive a stake through his heart, but it wasn’t love. All he saw was an incredibly naive and trusting person, and opportunity. It had to have been after their first time together that the feelings started to form. When they asked if he was ok, when they offered to help him with his scars.
When he said it for the first time he knew he was lying, while there were emotions there he wasn’t sure he could call them love, and if it was, he wasn’t ready to admit it. However, when he said it, he felt his undead heart skip a beat. He ignored it, he needed to focus on ensuring his protection by seducing the pseudo leader of their group. Sure he has started to care for Tav as more than an overlay trusting food source but love? He wasn’t sure he was capable of something like that. Not anymore.
As he laid down in his tent after the night they spent together, he couldn’t stop thinking about their response. He was a bloodthirsty monster, a cunning seductor, so why did their response hurt so much? He continued to play their response in his head.
“You’d be lying” said plain as day, as a statement of fact.
Did they just want a fun time? Did they know his game? Did they think he wasn’t capable of love? Did they think they were unlovable? Cause that definitely wasn’t true. He couldn’t stop thinking about it. All the things they had possibly meant. He was worried that his plan to seduce them wasn’t working, they didn’t seem as attached as the others. As Cazador’s victims, as… his victims. He thought about this for his entire meditation. 4 hours of back and forth. The worst part is he couldn't tell if he cared because it meant his plan was failing or because he just wanted them to love him.
What made it even worse was after that. They knew he didn’t love them, and yet they still did everything to help them. They helped him decipher his scars to the best of their abilities. They stood by him in his deal with Rapheal, stood up for him when that fucking drow was insistent on him biting her. When they did spend the night together they always checked on him and asked him if he was okay. He always would say he was even as he got flashes from his previous partners. After all this he realized that maybe, just maybe they could care for him without expectation. His instincts told him that that wasn’t how this works. If he had told them the truth, that he cared for them, but that he was scared of intimacy, that he wanted to be something real with them without the sexual side. That he wanted to just have the romantic side. That they would leave. He felt guilty for thinking that about them. He felt selfish as he tried to figure out how to tell them. They gave so much to him emotionally and all he could give back was his body.
As he was trying to figure out what to say, he thought back to what they said.
If they knew his honeyed words meant nothing, would they even believe him when he finally put his feelings on the table? Did they truly just wanna have fun and nothing else. It was as he was finding himself back in a panic why they said that hurt so much.
He didn’t want to be lying.
And he wanted to hear it back.
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