What The Hell Is Attraction Anyways?

cloudy | 23 | any pronouns | queer | main blog: @i-like-gay-books Asks and submissions open!

[my-strange-attraction]

Truly one of the most liberating things I’ve realized on my journey to queerness has been that labels may have definitions but we define words for ourselves. We have the power. Yes, you can choose a label based on vibes alone, yes you can choose the one with the prettier flag, yes, yes, yes. And if someone gets mad at you because your label doesn’t tell them everything they need to know about your situation (but really, who needs to know that much?) then screw them. And if someone tells you that you don’t have a right to use a certain label because you don’t fit the rigid definition they’ve built up on the label in their head, screw them too. You get to choose and nobody else. You do what makes you happy. Label anarchy!!

[segamascott]

i've actually decided that this pride month is more for lesbians this year pack it up gay guys

[comikbook]

happy pride month dykes i love you dykes

[mollyjames]

I think a lot of transmisogyny stems from this idea that people are really scared to see a dick. The reason bathrooms and locker rooms and hot springs keep being flash points is because these are all places where if a trans woman is using them, it's possible you might see her dick. A lot of transmisogynistic humor revolves around being traumatized because the subject saw a woman with a penis. And look, to a certain extent I sympathize. I'm not a fan of dick; I dont want this thing either. But if you want to be an ally to trans women, I think a big important step you can take personally is to examine your own reaction to the scenarios I described above, and recognize that a dick is just a body part a girl has sometimes. Seeing it as inherently sexual and/or traumatizing is a major wedge conservatives use to justify their rhetoric

[ahotknife]

where’s that article by james frankie thomas where he says like “prior to my transition there was only one kind of sex i wanted to have. and i thought i could never have it” because i am about to blow these people’s minds

[ahotknife]

i found it 😌 the article was published on Slate and here’s JF’s commentary on it

[ahotknife]

i have gotten some very odd anons about this post that i’m choosing to ignore. but i am going to double down on this. no i don’t care if girls watch gay porn or imagine themselves as a gay person or wonder what it would be like to have gay sex. so many people imprison themselves by thinking they could never be gay and/or trans. well i’m telling them they better watch out. being gay and/or trans is real. and it could happen to YOU. as a matter of fact i sincerely hope it does

[projectxa3]

from Anarchopuppy

#tbh i think the intense stigma against “straight” ppl “fetishizing” queerness keeps a lot of ppl in the closet

#theres no harm in exploring those feelings in private. indulge in the fantasy and see where it takes u

#dont be a creep to other ppl obv but that goes w/o saying #if id had the courage to confront the ache id feel when i thought abt lesbian sex and how id “never be able to have it” earlier

#it wouldve saved me a lot of time

[bylertruth3r]

what does it mean when you're a non binary lesbian and you love women a lot but when you look at a mlm couple you yearn for that type of relationship and wish you were a cis man loving another man and you feel a pain in your chest?

this happens even while just looking at random men on the street (not a couple) I really wish I was amab

also i get really sad when i look at cis men who are shirtless or who are in swim trunks at the beach, i want top surgery so bad

[my-strange-attraction]

i can’t believe i’m still sitting here unkissed. somebody should get on that immediately

[my-strange-attraction]

Please specify when you mean cis men when you make overarching statements about men. When you say that you dislike men but that you don’t dislike trans men, you are placing trans men outside of the “man” category

I understand your concern for this, and I'm sorry my tags were not clearer. Differentiating trans men from the category of men who make me uncomfortable is not about me not seeing them as men (in which case, I imagine then trans women WOULD make me uncomfortable, which is not true for me) but is solely about the fact of them being genderqueer. Because I am genderfluid, I feel a really strong connection with anyone whose gender is queer in any way, and for me that overrides the "man" part of trans men. It's not that I don't see them as men, it's that they are a safe kind of man, and they understand me in ways that a cis man cannot.

I didn't specify in the post or the tags, but I also experience a similar phenomenon with gay men as well. I forgot in the moment I was writing the post because I was thinking a lot about gender at that moment, but gay men are also in the "safe man" category for me. Again, it's that sort of understanding and connection that I just don't get with cishet men.

I'm a little confused by your first sentence--do you mean that I should've said cis men in the wording of the text in my post? I only mentioned the differentiation with trans men in the tags because I felt it wasn't crucial to the point of the post and it wasn't something I wanted to focus on. The post was more about me realizing that being around men does make me feel and act different than being around women, in general, and while talking about queerness obviously is a factor in this conversation, I didn't want to muddy the overarching message of the post getting bogged down in the details. As you can see from this response, I do have a tendency to over-explain myself and type forever when given the chance haha.

I'm sorry if my post made you feel invalidated (can't tell in the wording if you are a trans man or just concerned from my wording) and I'm also sorry that it did make you uncomfortable! I could have explained myself better in the moment, I was just in a rush to send the post because I was about to hop on a call.

[my-strange-attraction]

Sometimes I question if I actually dislike men and then some random situation will have me interact with a man like working on a shift with one or something, and I feel so uncomfortable and like yeah ok, definitely still don't like spending time with men lol

[my-strange-attraction]

I've been thinking a lot about my experience with repression in regards to my sexuality recently for no particular reason (I am a Mike Wheeler stan and I was devastated on a molecular level by the ending of Stranger Things but it's ok i swear it's FINE) and I just remembered that part of the reason it took me so long to realize that I have sexual attraction at all is because the second I started having a libido, I figured it didn't matter unless I was dating someone. I remember trying to find my clit or fingering myself at night every once in a while in high school and giving up when I didn't understand what I was feeling or what I was even supposed to find (goddamn, please get this country a better sex ed system, I'm BEGGING) and I would have fantasies about finally dating someone and having them show me/ figure out what was going on down there for me, and it wasn't until junior year of college at a very queer, very sex positive school when I was more educated on these things that I was like. Wait a minute. If I just use the internet and try for longer than a single minute, maybe I'll figure something out. And then I did. And the next day I was a lesbian. I'm not joking when I say masturbation unlocked a major part of my identity that I not only wasn't trying to actively repress but that I was CONSTANTLY trying to figure out and having no success with (as evidenced by the history of this blog), and it makes me so angry still to think about how sex education is handled in the US and how demonized masturbation is, especially for people with vulvas. It's crazy that I wanted someone else, who is not living in my body, to figure out such an intimate part of me FOR me. It's crazy that it was so confusing and scary for me that, for a long time, I thought that was the only option. I still have not had a romantic or sexual relationship, ever, and it's crazy to think that I could still be in that space if I hasn't been in such an educational and shame-free environment where I learned a lot about sex (without any pressure or engaging with it at all) during college.

[tlirsgender]

Public service announcement "I think I could theoretically be attracted to a man but I don't actually like them or enjoy being in relationships with them or want to date them" doesn't count as being attracted to men

[tlirsgender]

If you find yourself thinking "I like gay porn/fictional men/yaois but every man in real life always has something wrong with him for some reason" You are a lesbian fujoshi and that's beautiful. Or aro/ace or something. But this doesn't count as liking men

[thedaygoesupinflames]

okay so we all understand that sexual attraction doesn't always lead to sex. are we ready to consider that romantic attraction doesn't always lead to romance.

[thedaygoesupinflames]

and i dont mean this in a "its for your own good we dont date" way, or a "they got turned down and are still friends" way, i mean it in a "there is romantic attraction present but the one experiencing it doesnt want to do anything with it" way. am i making sense. are you hearing the words im saying. it wont fucking kill you if you dont act on it. like obviously you should probably communicate it someday but you dont have to let it dictate you or consume you. its just a feeling.

[absolutelynotclassicusernam-blog]

Can I add that you don’t have to communicate it? If you need to personally, then by all means. But it’s also okay to just feel it as long as you feel it and then let it pass. Attraction comes in many flavors and sometimes it’s just something to feel inside yourself and that’s okay.

[my-strange-attraction]

I think one of the most beautiful thing about the human experience is how we can recognize the potential for something but decide we like what we have going on currently more. Especially since recognizing my own queerness for what it is, I’ve been able to see romantic potential in many of my close friends (and friends in the past as well) and in particular one friend who I believe is my soulmate. But I don’t want to chase it because I do think we are best as friends. (And roommates. We are oddly compatible to live together, like it’s actually crazy.)

Yeah. Good post, and good addition. Let life be beautiful without feeling the need to bend it in a way society would like. If you’re happy, be happy.

[trans-masked]

If you’re not a trans woman you need to get way more comfortable with trans women talking about issues that don’t affect you. If you’re not a trans man you need to be ok with trans men talking about their own experiences that don’t affect you. If you’re not non binary you need to stop being weird about nonbinary people talking about the poor treatment they get for being nonbinary. If you’re not intersex you need to stop inserting yourself into conversations that aren’t about you and begging to be centered. Everyone get less self centered NOW!!!!

[isuggestrespecttranspeople]

Yup yup

[status-quo-hater]

A lot of people on here who are up each other's asses in queer discourse would be way better off if they could understand that contradictory statements can be true for different people.

Not everyone has the same life. There is no one way the world works. Different people understand themselves differently than you understand yourself. You should believe them when they tell you about it.

[status-quo-hater]

Example, sexual trauma changed my sexual orientation.

It made me asexual, for about ⅔ of my life. But, as I healed from this I embraced my allosexual orientation. I was not even attracted to my partner when we started dating. But I am now, because my orientation changed.

At the same time, I do not think that aces are only asexual because of trauma. Because it's simply not true. There are thousands upon thousands of asexual people who can attest to that. And I believe them, why shouldn't I?

My life experience is different but does not contradict theirs, for the simple fact we're different people and different things can be true for different people.

[status-quo-hater]

There are trans people who were cis at some point in time before they transitioned. I don't mean lived as a closeted trans person, I mean they were cisgender. And then that changed. Because people's genders can change over time (we literally have a whole word for this it's called genderfluid).

That does not mean YOU had to experience the same thing. Just because I feel that my gender identity changed does not mean I don't believe you when you tell me you knew you were trans from the age of four.

"Correcting" complete strangers on personal details of their own lives is one of the most condescending fucking things you can do— let alone doing it over complex inner feelings about queerness.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

I'm not like Mad at anyone who does this and I'm obviously not in charge of how anyone else tags shit on their own blogs, whatever, but it's always bummed me out when my sex Ed posts get reblogged and tagged with 18+, minors dni, etc. personally I actually very much want teenagers to learn about their bodies and safer sex but I guess I'm just the guy who wrote the thing.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

by and large I am not an angry man but once I watched a fellow sex educator present to a room full of college students and, upon being gently challenged by one of the students who objected to them describing sex as something that happens between adults, said with very palpable disdain "I don't want to talk about kids fucking." and I was so angry about it that I made myself nauseous.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

not just teens, either. every couple years I give up my Sundays for a few months to teach sex ed to 4th-6th graders, unpaid. and I don't do it because it's always fun or easy or great for my health, I do it because those are human people with changing bodies and feelings who deserve to have someone who gives a shit take the time to talk honestly with them so that they might make less painful mistakes later.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

ah, this has gotten notes. now we begin a game of Is Someone Going To Call Me A Pedophile For This.

[proudfreakmetarusonikku]

and the ironic thing is that teaching comprehensive sex ed as young as possible (to an age appropriate extent of course) is like literally the best way to keep kids safe bc it allows them to know if what’s happening to them is wrong. especially since the most likely abuser is a parent. who’s obviously not going to teach them that they deserve bodily autonomy. it sounds icky but teaching kids about sex is what lets them know if they’re being raped, and unfortunately a scarily high amount of kids are preyed upon.

[brettdoesdiscourse]

Not even just teaching them if they're being raped either. It's also important because it shows them things like the fact the things about their bodies are natural.

It's natural, you're not disgusting for it, and there's nothing wrong with you for it.

There's so much shame surrounding very normal things happening to growing bodies. At least here in the USA, masturbation for example is heavily shamed. Education about people's bodies is highly lacking and kids need to know about their own bodies.

It's also important because kids are going to have sex. As much as you feel they should wait, there will always be kids who are having sex. They should have access to the knowledge and resources to have sex as safely as possible. Lack of sex education does not reduce how many young people are having sex, it just reduces how many young people are having safer sex.

[francisforever2014]

the first time i experienced the lesbian “is everybody else in psychosis rn?” effect i was 8 and justin bieber had infiltrated the minds of all of my friends . and it’s only gone downhill from there

[my-strange-attraction]

Hey. It's been a bit.

I graduated from college almost a year ago now and it's been... strange. For the purposes of this blog, talking about sexuality and gender and labels, one huge thing that has changed for me is. Not being in my tiny ass college town anymore. HUGE, tbh.

I moved to a city with a huge queer community! And Hinge goes OFF here, it's honestly overwhelming.

I've had my first (and second, and third) "date" now? Kind of underwhelming in all honesty, but that's just because all of those dates were trial dates that didn't end up working out, so it was more like hanging out with friends. GOD, lesbians are so bad about meeting and not feeling romantic chemistry and then wanting to be friends anyways. I am starting to get pretty fatigued with making new friends.

Here I'm yapping again. I wanted to talk about how this has affected my perception of my sexuality.

It's... strange. I feel like the more I've looked at women on dating apps, the less I've been inclined towards them? But I went on a date with a genderqueer person who was more masculine presenting and (hate to say it and make it a Thing but it is kind of a thing for me) AMAB and it was kind of super uncomfortable for me.

Again my bisexual crisis!

I've come back to the conclusion that I do think men are attractive but kind of in the way that I think a long skirt is cute--I like to look, but feel uncomfortable when it's paired with me.

But. I also do feel kind of a distance from women too. Not as much, because I did grow up with women, but there's something about being with fellow sapphic genderqueer people that is just. So comforting? And having something funky going on with gender makes a person SO hot to me.

I've been thinking I'm just autistic, maybe. /hj lmao

I don't know, there's something about having similar experiences. Seeing yourself in someone else. People joke about the gay experience of accidentally dating your doppelganger, but there's something to be said for knowing, at first meeting, that there are certain parts of another person that you immediately can understand and that they can understand about you.

Maybe it's just because I've only been on first dates with people from dating apps, but this has also been the case for me with friendships in the past. I've always been most drawn to my queer, genderqueer, afab best friends. I've always wanted to spend the most time and have the deepest conversations with them.

I think I'm slowly starting to understand what romantic energy feels like to me? More on that another time. Aro followers still here from the times of pre-sexuality-crisis-cloudy, I know you're dying to hear the definition, and I can assure you I'm working on it, haha.

There's more to talk about here than I really have the energy for, at the moment. I'm on my period x_x I just felt the urge to write a real post on this blog for the first time in a while. I'm still alive! I'm still confused. Peace out, cuties ;)