our private space

this blog is a space for het partnered/attracted radfems to share their stories, vent their frustrations, and receive advice safe from the pressures of mainstream discourse about heterosexuality

[navigatingheterosexuality]

thank you for being respectful towards lesbians. I appreciate your honesty and hope the blog is going well. <3

thank you! i do what i can to not step on toes and to keep discussions civil and realistic

[navigatingheterosexuality]

Here are the early signs you're in an abusive relationship

Domestic abuse starts well before they physically hurt you.

[navigatingheterosexuality]

Hi guys, I just wanted to let you know that all your links (besides "ask" and "theme credit") are broken because they still link back to radyethet. It's no big deal at all but I just thought I would give you a heads up. Thanks for your lovely blog!

well shit!! 

i will fix that when i have time, thanks for the heads up

[navigatingheterosexuality]

I have a positive story to share. Would that be okay to submit? There aren't many accounts on radfem tumblr (or anywhere) of healthy and loving het relationships, although "green flag" posts are really great.

ok! we’d love to hear it

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

Relationship Check Up

A healthy relationship means that both members of the couple are…

1. Communicating with each other: Talking about problems without screaming and shouting; listening to each other, and respecting their viewpoint; being willing to adapt and to sometimes change their mind.

2. Showing respect for one another: Valuing the other person’s culture, beliefs, viewpoints, opinions and boundaries. Also, treating each other in a kind and caring way.

3. Demonstrating and conveying trust: Each person is trustworthy and trusts the other person – because they have been shown that they are worthy of that trust.

4. Honest with each other: Both are open and honest – but are private as well; and they don’t demand the other person tells them everything.

5. Equals: They make joint decisions and treat each other well. No person calls the shots or determines all the rules.

6. Able to enjoy their own personal space: As well as spending time together, they spend time on their own. They’re respect the fact they’re different, and they need their own life, too.

7. Decisions about sex are discussed, and are consensual: They discuss sex together, including birth control. There’s no one individual sets the rules and standards here.

Signs of an unhealthy relationship

An unhealthy relationship develops where one, or both, of the partners is…

1. Failing to communicate: Problems are ignored, or not talked about at all. One or both don’t really listen, and they rarely compromise.

2. Acting in ways that are disrespectful: One or both are inconsiderate toward the other person; and they don’t behave in ways that send the message that they care.

3. Refusing to trust the other person: One or both is suspicion of their partner’s loyalty. Hence, they make false accusations, or won’t believe the truth.

4. Acting in a way that is dishonest: One or both is deceptive, or they lie and hide the truth.

5. Acting in a controlling way: One person thinks that they should set the one who rules, controls the other person, and say how things should be.

6. Beginning to feel squashed and smothered / cutting themselves off from friends and family: One partner is possessive, or feels threatened and upset, when the other’s with their family or spends time with their friends.

7. Attempting to pressurise the other into sexual activity / refusing to talk openly about birth control: One partner wants the other to participate in sex, or to engage in different practices against that’s person’s will. Or, one of the partners stops using birth control, or expects the other person to “take care of all that.”

Signs of an abusive relationship

An abusive relationship develops when one of the parties…

1. Starts to communicate in ways that are abusive: When arguments occur, one of the partners screams and cusses, or they verbally threaten or attack the other person.

2. Shows disrespect through acting in abusive ways: This is where one of the partners abuse, harms or threatens the physical safety of the other individual.

3. Wrongly accuses their partner of flirting or cheating: One of the partners is convinced – with no real grounds – that their partner is cheating or having an affair. Thus, they lash out verbally, or hurt, the accused partner.

4. Refuses to accept responsibility for the abuse: When they fly into a rage or act in ways that are abusive, they miminise their actions and refuse to accept blame. They may even blame their partner for “causing the abuse.”

5. Starts to control the other partner: One partner has no say as the other sets the rules – and arguing against that simply leads to more abuse.

6. Does what they can to isolate their partner: One partner has control of who the other person sees, the way they spend their time – and, even, clothes they buy and wear. Thus, they start to lose their confidence and personality.

7. Forces sexual activity: The frequency, type and circumstances for sex are determined by one partner – and the other must comply. If they don’t acquiesce it leads to violence or abuse. Also, sometimes violence is included in the sex.

[navigatingheterosexuality]

ok, listen:

this blog gets a lot of messages that are trying to be supportive and tell us that you’re thankful for this space, but in doing so, the majority of these messages seem to imply that the lesbian women who criticize the existence of this blog are rude, misogynist, wrong, etc.

that is not ok.

as women who are het-attracted and often het-partnered, we have very, very clear privileges over lesbian women. that has never, and will never be, up for discussion on this blog. we are in an oppressor class above them on the axis of sexuality, bottom line. 

and it is not our job to tell women over whom we have a great deal of privilege how they should feel about that, or that they’re wrong for feeling the way they do.

they are well within their rights to criticize us. i read a lot of their criticisms, and it’s something i take very seriously while moderating this blog. while i won’t use this blog to participate in that discourse—that’s not this blog’s purpose—i do read the posts and see the messages we get sent and they are all valid, whether it hurts our feelings or not. 

this blog is designed to safely discuss our lived experiences outside of the patriarchal and mainstream feminist discourse about heterosexual relationships. we answer your questions with sensitivity and dignity, and try to raise consciousness about building a healthy relationship that does not compromise our values as feminists—all without monopolizing the conversations in an existing feminist space. it cannot serve that purpose if we engage with messages and discourse that betrays lesbian feminists with blatant or surreptitious lesbophobia, or that minimize or deny the privilege that we all have over them. 

it is fine to be thankful for this blog space—i know i am—but if the only way you can express that is to backhandedly insult or degrade lesbian women with very valid thoughts, feelings, and criticisms, then i don’t want to hear it and i will keep deleting your messages.

-mod kylie

[cishets-are-straight]

Omg, one if uninucleus’s friends ran radyethet

[navigatingheterosexuality]

I am the only remaining mod on this blog, I wrote this post, and I don’t know who that is.

is there something I can help you with?

[cishets-are-straight]

It’s just funny that two homophobes are friends

[navigatingheterosexuality]

1. still don't fucking know who that is 2. goodbye

[navigatingheterosexuality]

ok, listen:

this blog gets a lot of messages that are trying to be supportive and tell us that you’re thankful for this space, but in doing so, the majority of these messages seem to imply that the lesbian women who criticize the existence of this blog are rude, misogynist, wrong, etc.

that is not ok.

as women who are het-attracted and often het-partnered, we have very, very clear privileges over lesbian women. that has never, and will never be, up for discussion on this blog. we are in an oppressor class above them on the axis of sexuality, bottom line. 

and it is not our job to tell women over whom we have a great deal of privilege how they should feel about that, or that they’re wrong for feeling the way they do.

they are well within their rights to criticize us. i read a lot of their criticisms, and it’s something i take very seriously while moderating this blog. while i won’t use this blog to participate in that discourse—that’s not this blog’s purpose—i do read the posts and see the messages we get sent and they are all valid, whether it hurts our feelings or not. 

this blog is designed to safely discuss our lived experiences outside of the patriarchal and mainstream feminist discourse about heterosexual relationships. we answer your questions with sensitivity and dignity, and try to raise consciousness about building a healthy relationship that does not compromise our values as feminists—all without monopolizing the conversations in an existing feminist space. it cannot serve that purpose if we engage with messages and discourse that betrays lesbian feminists with blatant or surreptitious lesbophobia, or that minimize or deny the privilege that we all have over them. 

it is fine to be thankful for this blog space—i know i am—but if the only way you can express that is to backhandedly insult or degrade lesbian women with very valid thoughts, feelings, and criticisms, then i don’t want to hear it and i will keep deleting your messages.

-mod kylie

[cishets-are-straight]

Omg, one if uninucleus’s friends ran radyethet

[navigatingheterosexuality]

I am the only remaining mod on this blog, I wrote this post, and I don't know who that is.

is there something I can help you with?

[ahealingthing]

How to Develop Self-Love While in a Relationship

If you are feel that you are struggling in your relationship, focus on yourself, work on self-love, and you will see things improve. Here's how to do it.

“Self-love means now that I also love my relationship. I don’t depend on it, as I did in the past, and it doesn’t take away my individuality. It enhances me.“

[navigatingheterosexuality]

is this radyethet?

formerly!

[runkafkarun-deactivated20130709]

Marry a man who loves you more than you love him. A woman will always give more than what is necessary to her lover. It is ingrained into her, like maternity. But even when a man loves you more, he will still only be able to meet you halfway.

Rihanna (relaying advice given to her by her deceased grandmother)

[depresant]

you all deserve someone who isnt embarrassed to love you and tells all their friends about you and saves your selfies, good and bad to look at when they miss you and loses sleep to talk to you and tells you how much they love you. i hope you all find that!!

[ariaste]

Relationships are scary and complicated ONLY when you start thinking of your partner as some kind of adversary. 

You know how to stop being scared of relationships? Remember that it’s got a goddamn buddy system *built in*. That’s all a relationship IS: “Let’s approach life with the buddy system.”

Check on your buddy. Make sure your buddy doesn’t forget their lunch box on the schoolbus. Hold hands with your buddy so you don’t get lost. If your buddy wants to look at the monkey cage, look at the goddamn monkey cage with them. If you are the one looking at the monkey cage, ask your buddy what they want to do next, and when they want to feed the giraffe, help them find a quarter for the little food dispenser. Be a good buddy, and if your buddy isn’t a good one too, tell the teacher and ask for a new one.

This isn’t fucking rocket science, people. 

[matociquala]

I have reblogged this before. I will reblog it again. And it’s not just romantic relationships: it’s family members and friends as well.

[smartass-stripper]

This kind of woke my ass up because of the amount of times I’ve had a buddy who didn’t check on me, didn’t want me to check on them, but didn’t want me to leave.

[navigatingheterosexuality]

My boyfriend just revealed to me that he watches animated porn but not live action because he knows that industry's messed up. I don't know much about animated porn so I was wondering if the general radfem community had an opinion on whether that's something I should worry about or just on par with reading romance novels. He said that he's against drawn/animated child porn and he'd never be comfortable being a dom and he's shown no worrying behavior so far. What do you think?

hey anon! in many cases, just like with written erotica, animated porn replicates and echoes the same harmful acts and attitudes present in “real” porn, so the harm is not instantly mitigated. 

there is statistical data showing that the proliferation animated/drawn child pornography in countries like japan that don’t restrict it have strong correlations with increases in child abuse victims.

how you feel about it is, of course, up to you. but while women may not be hurt or abused directly in drawn pornography, if the acts and attitudes informing it are the same, i’m not comfortable giving it a pass.

-mod kylie

[yourbigsisnissi]

Like What’s attractive about a man who isn’t excited as hell to be with you? Who doesn’t smile when you walk up? Who doesn’t hold your hand? Who isn’t all in? What’s attractive about a man who is too prideful to just let go and love? What’s attractive about an emotionally unavailable man?

[thatdiabolicalfeminist]

Why is an adult/child dating relationship automatically abuse?

As a teenager, you are growing and learning at a phenomenal pace. Month by month you are becoming savvier, wiser, more socially equipped. That rapid development continues into your 20s. So as a teenager, a big age gap is a REALLY big age gap, because you are learning and changing so much so quickly during that time. It’s not totally about “maturity” though - it’s about power. As you get older, younger people start to look up to you. They might trust you to know things you really don’t, because you’re older and you know how to say stuff convincingly. Getting older also means learning all the different ways people  pressure or manipulate each other. Most of us are still learning about this stuff into our 20s - even if we’re really smart and mature. Someone having a lot more of this knowledge than the person they’re dating means the power in the relationship is uneven, because the older person can pressure you in ways you can’t recognise or defend against.

And I’m sure teenagers have noticed that if you get into a conflict with an adult, other people take the adult’s word over yours. Even if you’re right. Even if you need help. So if you date an adult, that person has power over you that, even if they don’t try to use it, really does effect how the relationship works. There’s no way to have a healthy relationship with that big a power difference, because you can’t make choices the adult doesn’t like without worrying about what they’ll think or do. You’ll end up in situations you’re uncomfortable with and not have the tools or social power you need to get out of them.

The other piece is - adults who date teenagers are looking for something they can’t get in their usual dating pool. For most adults, dating a teenager wouldn’t even occur to them, because they understand how wrong it would be. Adults have our own groups of friends, our own ways to meet people our own age, and if an adult is flirting with kids they’re looking for something they can’t get from someone who’s old enough to catch on.

The adults who seek out teenagers want someone they can pressure and manipulate. They’re looking for an abusive relationship, and like all abusers they’re really sneaky about it at first - but they have the added advantage of knowing tricks you haven’t had time to learn yet, as well as the advantage of being listened to when you won’t be.

Every smart, mature kid feels older than their age at least some of the time. I know I did. But being really smart and really mature doesn’t make you an adult - having had years and years of being around other people and learning the little social things that you can’t get from books is part of it. Having the power of an adult - the freedom to come and go as you please, being listened to by the people around you - that’s the other part.

[entropyoftheuniverse]

This is so important Please please please stay away form creeps in their 20s if youre a teen Please

[sleepbby]

literally destroy the notion that there’s only one love of your life. do you know how long life is? so so long and there are so many loves you’ll find in it, one messed up relationship doesn’t mean you’ll be doomed forever.

[naramdil]

the way passionate love is portrayed is very… volatile. where the highs and lows are on opposite ends of the spectrum? not the type of love we should be becoming desensitized to. not the kind of love we should aspire to. it’s an unstable insatiable love that leaves you hollow. soft, stable love should be romanticized. lack of intense, opposing phases doesn’t equate to lack of passion. the ocean carries too much uncertainty, yes there’s unwavering beauty but there’s also the capacity to destroy life. a pond is smaller yes, but it exudes the serenity of a place you can call home.