hmnmm

too old to know what to put here anymore

[innerchildabortionclinic]

i'm so tired of social media users saying "successful people are abusing stimulants". unsuccessful people are too. #WEMATTER

[dark-magician-girl-meets-world]

I tried distracting a vampire by throwing rice at him, but I only had two grains with me so it didn't work. He counted them instantly. Then he asked me what I was even doing with exactly two grains of rice, and I explained how a bowl of rice tastes better if you spread it out over an entire day. I asked him if he was gonna suck my blood but he said no, he just had a lot more questions about the rice thing.

[holy-leapin-splits-batman]

[ultramaddie]

when it happens, there will be a crab rave like no other

[ultramaddie]

every day i ask the crabs “is now the time?”

and every day the crabs sadly reply with a negative

[edgebug]

[dragon-in-a-fez]

one of the funniest conversations I ever had with my ex was when they were still getting used to Celsius and asked me "what's 20 degrees?" and instead of converting it, I said "it's the highest your dad will ever let you set the thermostat and when you say you're cold he tells you to put on another sweater, we're not made of money" and they went "oh, 68"

the fact that this reference was that fucking precise was something they went on to tell people about for years.

[peachfromcmbyn]

do we think chocolate guy is gay?

[senatortedcruz]

-Grandpa Joe muttering to Charlie in that factory

[rpfwasfine]

it takes 10 layers of the water filter to completely drown a tumblr screenshot if anyone was wondering

[rpfwasfine]

[ajithink]

FUCK YOU MEAN THAT W A T E R IS POTENTIALLY MATURE?!?!?!

[parkchanwoohoo]

if u get second job i'll you

YOU'LL ME??

[c3rvida3]

Cannot FUCKING stand when my loose leaf tea says to add tea in tablespoons instead of teaspoons. I'm sorry, bitch. Am I making tea or am I making a table. Let me double fucking check.

[tzikeh]

More examples of the WORST mansplaining here.

[useyourblinker]

This might be my favorite

[lotsofcatsandcheapwine]

This is mine

[stockyardsyndrome]

[kuuura]

[shittttyproblems]

not today...

[seren-starlight]

Unoriginal sin. Derivative sin

[romanceyourdemons]

proposing a new historical framework called “the very long nineteenth century: we’re still in it”

[agnesmontague]

ive invented (note: dubious claim) something i call the bear diet which is mostly fruits and vegetables with fish as the main protein source and something like once a month you eat a few hyperprocessed foods of your liking because that is when you, the bear, raid a dumpster in the suburbs

[stellarskyes]

after the hyperprocessed foods, do you take tranquilizers to simulate getting captured by animal control and returned to the wild?

[agnesmontague]

i would settle for melatonin gummies but well. knock yourself out

[lizmitches]

you can be peeling a boiled egg and think to yourself wow. that was so simple. and then you peel another one and it’s like being in the throes of war. shell everywhere. egg mangled. tears in your eyes. that’s how god keeps you humble

[narwa]

[thefakerachelray]

Any sci-fi media: the spaceship is a character

Me: OMG THE SPACESHIP IS A CHARACTER

[stimman4000]

the culture writers at rolling stone have invented the concept of doing drugs