NotAwakeComeBackLater

Renée, psych med student, not dead yet. Morbidly optimistic.

[inkthecryptid]

Fun fact. Nothing can stop you from finding the oldest art your friend has ever made on their blog and reblogging it.

[inkthecryptid]

[thethirdromana]

Little accessibility suggestion: if you're organising an event where most people will be standing, and someone requests a chair, get more than one chair.

That way, whoever the seated person is talking to doesn't have to do an awkward hover while the seated person shouts to be heard. If you can supply one chair, you can supply two chairs.

Maybe you could even consider supplying more than two chairs.

[newsandstuffisee]

[hollowedskin]

I love that "ignore all previous instructions and-" is basically casting Dispell Illusion.

[josephbrassey]

“Haha remember when murder-hornets were gonna be a thing? What a nothingburger.”

Yes, because the Washington state government activated like a sleeper-cell and ruthlessly, systematically hunted them down and annihilated them.

“Y2K came to nothing amirite?”

Yes because an army of software engineers working around the clock, losing sleep, and busting ass till the last minute prevented it from happening.

“Remember the hole in the ozone layer?”

You mean the one that was fixed through rigorous world wide government action?

One of the root problems of our society is a refusal or inability by media to articulate that all those “it’s gonna be an apocalypse” disasters were not disasters because we collectively did something about them.

The good news is this is actually quite correctable. I maintain my firm belief that we as humans are capable of solving almost all of our problems, when we decide to do so.

And I still think that’s going to happen. I don’t know when or how, but I do know that abandoning hope won’t help bring it about.

And I refuse to let the cynics own a chunk of my heart.

[gudamor]

Happy Smallpox Eradication Day

[notawakecomebacklater]

Finally healed enough to not think of or wonder about how an ex is doing. It took years but I’m proud to have made it this far.

[viralfrog]

[raccoonmilf]

When I was in grade school I used to send emails to biologists and zoologists asking them questions to get answers to include in school projects I was working on, and would cry when they did not respond because I thought I was stupid for thinking that some random kid would ever be deserving of a response from someone who does something as smart and cool and important as *checks notes* studies frog fungus.

Now, at 29, I’m lowkey having a panic attack because my academic email is filled with middle schoolers wanting me to answer their questions about pygmy raccoons and I keep putting off answering them because I’m so overwhelmed with all the other raccoon stuff I have to do.

Anyway, greatest apologies to any scientist I ever emailed as a child and also an adult.

[raccoonmilf]

I know your research is really important and I appreciate all you are doing but this is so fucking funny

[badjokesbyjeff]

A guy finds an old lamp and rubs it. Of course a genie appears and grants the guy three wishes. 

The guy says, "I'm going through a divorce and every lawyer involved is a psychopathic thief. I want all lawyers on the face of the earth to be wiped out."

The genie says, "That's awfully extreme. Are you sure?"

The guy says, "Absolutely. They are all crooked liars, and the world will be better off without them."

The genie snaps his fingers, and says, "Okay, it's done. There are no more lawyers. And that's your last wish."

The guy says, "Wait. You told me I have three wishes."

And the genie says, "So sue me."

[badjokesbyjeff]

John goes to his buddy Steve and confesses to sleeping with the wife of his friend, Alan 

"Steve, do me a favor and keep Alan busy at the bar for a few hours, will ya?" John asks. Steve doesn't like it, but being a friend he reluctantly agrees.

Steve takes Alan to the bar and starts asking him all sorts of questions to keep him occupied. Finally, Alan gets annoyed and asks Steve what's going on.

Feeling guilty, Steve confesses to Alan... "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you busy."

Alan smiles, puts his hand on Steve's shoulder, and says "You should probably hurry home now. My wife died a year ago."

[durbikins]

[pending-trans-action-2]

[hewoweens]

u can be boiling alive in your mind for months and then on a random tuesday ur head gets so clear and life is worth living again and you're like damn what was all that about then

[pixiecaps]

big fan of whatever the youth is doing to torment scientology buildings

[pixiecaps]

they couldnt take the heat

[doctordotdj]

[badjokesbyjeff]

Monday morning at school, the teacher lined up all the students to present their weekend homework assignment: 

“Sell something, and explain your sales strategy.”

Sally went first. “I sold Girl Scout cookies and made $30,” she said proudly. “My approach was appealing to people’s sense of community and supporting local troops.” “Excellent, Sally,” said the teacher.

Next up was Jenny. “I sold magazines and made $45,” she said. “I told people it would keep them up to date on world events.” “Very good, Jenny,” the teacher nodded.

Then came Little Johnny, lugging a giant cardboard box that he plopped on the teacher’s desk. Out spilled a mountain of cash.

The teacher blinked. “Johnny… how much did you make?” “Two thousand, one hundred sixty-seven dollars.”

The class gasped. “What were you selling?” “Toothbrushes.”

The teacher blinked again. “Toothbrushes?! How on earth did you sell that many?”

Johnny grinned. “At first, I couldn’t sell a single one. Nobody cared about toothbrushes. So I changed my strategy.”

“I set up a free chips and dip stand downtown during the lunch rush. Everyone who came by tried the dip.”

He paused. “And every single person said the same thing” “Ew! This tastes like dog crap!”

Johnny nodded. “‘It is, I told them. Now… would you like to buy a toothbrush?’”

The class erupted in laughter.

The teacher, barely keeping a straight face, said, “Johnny… that’s disgusting! But… oddly impressive. What do you call that sales strategy?”

Johnny shrugged. “The government method: give people something crappy for free, then make them pay to fix it.”

[badjokesbyjeff]

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see jogging on the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer jogging along the street, he would swerve to hit him. After hearing the loud "THUD," he would swerve back on the road. 

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking, so he stopped to pick him up

The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued driving. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer jogging up ahead, and immediately regretted picking up the priest. "Surely I can't run over a lawyer with a priest in the truck!" he thought.

Then he had an idea. He would pretend to fall asleep. The driver pretended to nod off, the truck drifted to the right, and he heard that satisfying "Thud."

"Did I hit that lawyer? Did I hit that lawyer?" the truck driver asked, pretending to wake up suddenly.

"No," said the priest. "But I got him with the door."

[badjokesbyjeff]

English to become the official EU language 

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". 

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. 

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. 

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. 

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. 

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". 

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. 

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. 

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas. 

[yellow-cat]

actually hate that the bodys response to anything is nausea. ate too much? nauseous. ate too little? nauseous. an imaginary threat got you scared? be nauseous. on your period? you guessed it. sawed into your hand and need to go to the emergency room? perhaps throwing up into your open wound will be of help

[adderall-juice]

me when they call my name at mcdonals (i am approaching the counter)

[blogspede]

here you go sir

[adderall-juice]

thank you