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feeling lucky? | autistic 🦋 ♾️ | occasionally multilingual😔🤌🏾 | mental health blog: https://imnotokay-butimtryingtobe.tumblr.com/

[nstyjjj]

hands down one of the best things about being a writer (when everything else seems to go to shit and the ideas aren’t flowing and the unfinished fics are piling up like dead bodies) is when i go back through my works from the beginning and read my stories with completely new eyes.

i find no motivation really hits the same as being your own fan does and just smiling maniacally at the screen like, “i did that?? damn, let me cook” and suddenly you’ve instilled this confidence in yourself to go and fix that one thing you weren’t sure how to fix or publish that one chapter that was on hold because “i feel like it needs more” when actually all it needed was to be published.

[nstyjjj]

The Dragon and The Faerie (an original fable)

“Dear dragon, you are my oldest friend, but not once have you hugged or kissed me.” The faerie turns away from the magnificent beast in fear of his answer. “Is it because you no longer love me?” “I can only love you with my words,” the dragon explained sorrowfully, looking down at himself. “I could never love you being this dangerous creature that I am.” “Oh, but you could,” the faerie protested, turning back around to look at the dragon. “You can.” It reaches for his paw, but his heaviness does not allow the fae to lift it. “See? I cannot,” said the dragon stubbornly. “For I will smother you with my size and strength.” Flittering around like a butterfly to prove its point, the faerie disagrees. “My wings would sooner carry me away to safety before then.” “But still, I cannot.” The dragon shakes his head with a snuff. “I could catch you with my claws.” The faerie lands on the dragon’s snout and nestles down to sit in between his nostrils. “And if I remained here while we slept, would you love me then?” “I would not,” the dragon insisted with a sigh, frustrated because the faerie would not listen to him. “For I could trap you in my teeth while I dream and swallow you whole when I wake up.” Then the faerie smiled softly and shook its head. “But you couldn’t do any of those things, not really, because my faerie powder is much stronger.” “However can you know?” The dragon self-consciously enquires of the tiny creature, not realising the faerie was getting bigger and he was getting smaller until they were both the same size. “Because now I can do this,” and the faerie throws its arms around the dragon’s neck in an embrace.

[nstyjjj]

writing a domestic established relationship oneshot where they find out they’re expecting (soft, happy surprise type beat)

they’re not new to this; they have a four-year-old, but it was a surprise bc it virtually happened out of nowhere—they weren’t trying for one or actively planning to have one any time soon. it wasn’t a conversation that they had deeper than “i’m down for it if you are” / “imagine how cute it would be if there were two of them”

superfoetation - the occurrence of a second conception during an ongoing pregnancy—becoming pregnant again while already carrying a foetus, resulting in two foetuses at different stages of development

the domestic af build-up before the shrekxy stuff :]

papa: you’re pregnant🫨😳? like, Right now🤯🤯?? hoomygoshthankyousomuchjsskhfhdksbd🥰🥰🥲🥲🥲🤗🤗🤧🤧🤧🥺🤏🏾🥰🥰🥰💕💕💕 mama: lmao it was gonna happen at some point it’s not like we were being “careful”, not that we have any reason to be. plus it would be nice if baby 1 had a sibling, no? papa: did you say sibling i heard twins 😏 mama: lol i’m pretty sure it doesn’t work like that but i love your enthusiasm go off <3 <3 papa: aight bet 😈👹👹

should this be superfoetation?

go for it, two pregnancies in one 👍🏾

no for it, two separate pregnancies 👎🏾

throw for it, see what happens 🪙

Voting ended onJul 1

[nstyjjj]

🚨 KNOCKOUT ROUND 🚨

42.9% each voted for 👍🏾 and 🪙, so i am running the poll again:p i swapped the options to not sway you in any particular direction unconsciously—go with ya gut, there are no wrong answers :]

thank you very much for your help 🫶🏾🫶🏾🫶🏾

polls are so fun! kind of tempting me to make a “choose your adventure” story not going to lie haha:]

superfoetation; the occurrence of a second conception during an ongoing pregnancy. becoming pregnant again while already carrying a foetus, resulting in two foetuses at different stages of development

🫅🏾: there can only be one champion🏆🤺

throw for it, see what happens 🪙

go for it, two pregnancies in one 👍🏾

Voting ended onJul 8

[nstyjjj]

nature vs. nurture - “women are more suited to childcare than men”

it’s definitely “nurture” and not “nature”.

if women were preset with the ability to be nurturing towards children, baby blues and postnatal depression would not exist as the bond between mother and child would already be there because of the “pre-existing” ability to be nurturing. women would not have to learn about how rejection and emotional detachment can occur while pregnant and after giving birth.

men would be just as nurturing, if not more so, than women had they been raised and indoctrinated with the concept of parenthood and childcare since birth.

had men been given dollhouses and toy pushchairs and baby dolls that cry and poop, had they been constantly steered onto the life path of “parent” before anything else by way of the behaviours of the adults around them in the presence of babies, they’d possess just as much “natural” nurturing ability as women (“natural” only because it is practically a prerequisite for women).

they’d be as adept and independent as women had they been given kitchens and irons and fucking vacuum cleaners and kettles; if they were told to help out with domestic tasks all the way up until however old they are when they leave home to live on their own, not just only until they’re old enough to oppose so their parents don’t bother forcing them anymore.

the same applies in an inverse scenario where if women were raised with cars and superheroes and sports where rough play is encouraged, if they were celebrated for their loudness and “wildness” throughout their childhood (not just up until a certain age by which point they’d be told to “tone it down and be mature”), a lot more women would be in male-dominated fields. because aggression does not read to society as “emotional”.

aggression to them is strength; it’s power and control when, in actuality, it’s the most emotional a person can be next to inconsolably sad.

if there was any emotion to “naturally exist” in women, it would be aggression because of the hormonal, biological imbalances present during menstruation, pregnancy and childbirth. nurturing comes after. not immediately, not second—after.

after all the pain and stress and exhaustion of your body facilitating, incubating and growing a human being. sometimes several at once, sometimes only to experience a miscarriage.

after you risk your life and health to deliver that human being or those human beings into the world without the guarantee of them being alive.

you teach someone to be gentle. you learn to look after others and yourself—anger is already there in both men and women. it just so happens that men are celebrated for their anger and women aren’t.

[nstyjjj]

writing a domestic established relationship oneshot where they find out they’re expecting (soft, happy surprise type beat)

they’re not new to this; they have a four-year-old, but it was a surprise bc it virtually happened out of nowhere—they weren’t trying for one or actively planning to have one any time soon. it wasn’t a conversation that they had deeper than “i’m down for it if you are” / “imagine how cute it would be if there were two of them”

superfoetation - the occurrence of a second conception during an ongoing pregnancy—becoming pregnant again while already carrying a foetus, resulting in two foetuses at different stages of development

the domestic af build-up before the shrekxy stuff :]

papa: you’re pregnant🫨😳? like, Right now🤯🤯?? hoomygoshthankyousomuchjsskhfhdksbd🥰🥰🥲🥲🥲🤗🤗🤧🤧🤧🥺🤏🏾🥰🥰🥰💕💕💕 mama: lmao it was gonna happen at some point it’s not like we were being “careful”, not that we have any reason to be. plus it would be nice if baby 1 had a sibling, no? papa: did you say sibling i heard twins 😏 mama: lol i’m pretty sure it doesn’t work like that but i love your enthusiasm go off <3 <3 papa: aight bet 😈👹👹

should this be superfoetation?

go for it, two pregnancies in one 👍🏾

no for it, two separate pregnancies 👎🏾

throw for it, see what happens 🪙

Voting ended onJul 1

[nstyjjj]

zaunkids headcanons - moodboard aesthetics

“maddie | maudelyn” my headcanon for maddie:]

[nstyjjj]

zaundads headcanons - chris corner (iamx) as silco

preface: i have no idea how tumblr works in regard to replying to reblogs with tags/captions(?) so i will write my response here and tag the lovely friend @shabby-chic-detectives who liked my moodboards so much they had this(⬇️⬇️⬇️) to say :D

“oh beautiful town” is definitely zaun one hundred per cent—kind of the “goodbye yellow brick road” of it all, like “we had this beautiful dream but that’s all it was in the end, so now it’s time for us to wake up/return to our realities after leaving what could have been where it is; untouched, for fear of shattering the illusion” in a möbius-strip, paradoxical* sense.

like a one-last-goodbye anthem, like “welcome to the black parade”—it sounds really triumphant and grand, a huge proclamation giving the impression it’ll be positive and rousing, but instead it’s mournful and stirring. reminding the people of zaun of a future their present selves lived so diligently to protect, but in the end they all died before it could have even been nurtured. also reminds me of “planet twelve”!

i can see this song playing in the scene where jinx aims the missile towards piltover. it’s also quite longing and wistful, like after all the dashéd hopes and broken dreams there is still a part of us that clings on to “maybe”.

“maybe in another lifetime there was zaun.”

*“möbius-strip paradoxical” because the illusion could be the dream of zaun (and the reality is the undercity), but inversely, the illusion could actually be the undercity, and the reality they have not yet unlocked is the dream of zaun.

i can’t say much about chris’ likeness to harry, as i personally don’t see it, but i love that you do! :] personally i look at harry and i see gotye, a little bit of liam hemsworth in his t-zone, something about tom hiddleston in his eyeline when he makes certain expressions.

i see orlando as legolas in stills of his got character (not just because of the hair) and i also see a lot of fassbender and macavoy—especially in these two photos here lol

i guess in my subconscious all roads lead back to cherik🥀🥀🥀

p.s. kowa is the album i gravitate to the most:p

[poltergeistsnspectersnbanshees]

No shade to anyone who may like this but I'm sorry but I hate being degraded in fanfics... "oh yes you like that you cockslut bitch whore?" no I dont. My pussy is now dryer than Hawaiian punch. Why would I want someone I love to verbally assault me WHILE we're making love at that??? Call me sensitive but I'd start crying mid cum. Like damn tell me how you really feel??😭 Go ahead and splay it all out since you feel like you can knuck and buck while we fucking

[nstyjjj]

this! i feel the same way about slapping/smacking/hardcore bdsm, like… 😃❓️

even if i weren’t someone who was raised by “the hand” or endured verbal/emotional insult throughout childhood, i’d still feel the same way—why would anyone like being subjected to that? i’ll never be able to justify and/or rationalise it, so i really am curious.

“because it’s with someone you love in a positive, consensual lens,” but so is abuse between parents and their children or spouses, through the manipulated lens of “consent”, and it is the reason why many victims don’t realise they should not have ever been victims until much later—“they don’t mean it because they love me; they’re doing this because they love me.”

“it’s about relinquishing control over yourself to someone else in a safe environment, as safewords and the traffic light system exist.” that part of bdsm i understand; the literal “scene” part of it—it’s not real; it’s intricate rope and temperature play and submitting yourself to your partner to further enhance your romantic experiences. i know that, but

it’ll always make me grimace just a little bit when it goes too far, which makes navigating fanfiction tags a bit difficult sometimes, because tags like “light”, “heavy”, and “mild” are entirely subjective and individual to the author’s writing style and to the reader’s preference—they’ll translate differently depending on fandom, reader, writer, and context of the work itself.

it doesn’t make me uncomfortable to the point where i stop reading altogether (i only do that if the writing is spectacularly shit from a literary perspective), but i do scroll past the sections of text where it’s just lines and lines of abuse ’cause that stuff really takes me out of anything i read, like “no thank you, i do not want to be hearing all these horrible names when being intimate with somebody, which is already such a carnally soul-baring act.”

maybe it’s my autism making it difficult to fully comprehend why the fuck anyone finds being slapped in the face, punched, kicked, or even whipped pleasing or arousing because again, i do not understand, and are you fucking okay for enjoying that in the bedroom.

but at the end of the day, i am no one to kink/fetish shame*, so go for it. big up sexual freedom and exploration as long as it’s safe* and consensual✊🏾✊🏾

*(unless it’s... “secretion from both ends” if i were to attempt to dress it mildly, because that should seriously be shamed and condemned and all of that; no, just no there is NO justifiable, logical or sane reason for anyone to enjoy that i will always stand by this)

**excluding “sane” because all that violence is insane to me, and i could never participate in that, but if you yourself as a human being in your own right and unattached to any preconceived notion or outside influence from anyone else—

if YOU are ten-toes-down, with-your-chest sensually and sexually gratified by physical/verbal/emotional aggression practiced in the explicit safety of you and yours’ bedroom, by all means get your freak on, lovingly and respectfully 🫡🫶🏾🫶🏾

[nstyjjj]

zaundads moodboard(s) - silco

my headcanon aesthetics for silco! :D

*featuring chris corner (iamx) as irl silco bc they are literally the same person young silco was DEFINITELY an androgynous alt visual musician in another universe i mean look at these photos and tell me that this is not silco/vanco in another fucking lifeWHATTT.

[nstyjjj]

zaunfamily - moodboard(s)

for my fic “time is running away from us”:] i hope you like it 🫶🏾🫶🏾

[nstyjjj]

zaundads actors!au heacanon - interview #3

2010 [legends] short interview, “hot seat, hotter questions”

“thank you for joining me today for this rapid-fire interview; i’m here with the stars of 2010’s most anticipated film adaptation of the critically acclaimed graphic comic franchise “league of legends”: eoin alan and alfred owain! good afternoon, gentlemen.”

“afternoon.” alfred smiled politely, his right arm draped on the back of the sofa he and eoin sat on, laid back and at ease. eoin’s arms are folded, leaning into the larger man’s open posture.

he sat on his leg folded under him, boot hanging off the edge of the sofa (so he wouldn’t be treading on it) and can’t help the radiant beam that has been spread across his lips ever since he learned that the young woman happened to be from a region near his home town.

“thank you for welcoming us so graciously.”

“i’m sure you know the nature of the interview; rapid-fire questions and answers?” they nod, smiling kindly. alfred grins.

“we’re open books today,” he says. eoin looks off behind the camera, matching his castmate’s grin with his own as his accent bends. “this is going to be hell for my publicist.”

“but no spoilers, right? your team was very strict about this.”

eoin tilts his head in playful consideration. “we’ll commend you for trying if you manage to trick one out of us!”

*after some moderately tame questions that they can actually use in the final version of the video—the more risqué/grey zone questions are asked at the end to make editing easier in case they’re not allowed*

folding the question and putting it in the second box where all the previously asked questions go, the young woman retrieves a new question from the box.

“it’s a blue one this time, another ‘what’ question—what was… filming the sex scenes like? oh my gosh, this is so odd; it feels like i’m with my parents!” she holds her hands to her face as eoin and alfred chuckle good-naturedly.

alfred cheers the interviewer on. “you’re doing alright, (interviewer’s name); don’t you worry.” he looks to eoin, touching his hand to the dark-haired man’s shoulder. “she’s doing okay, isn’t she, stevo?”

eoin nods, “a wonderful job.”

eoin tucks a lock of his hair behind his ears before he answers the question first, sincerely. “it’s less awkward than people would think; we’ve both done nudity scenes on stage, so it was doable in comparison to being naked in front of an entire theatre with a tonne of lights emphasising everything—it helped that the only person on set was christian, watching from his little monitoring room where he could review all of the angles and camera shots in real time, so we only had to film it once or twice.”

“i see.” the interviewer nods understandingly. “i couldn’t imagine being so exposed like that. oh my goodness; does it ever get easier, nudity on stage or on a film set?”

“it can do, yeah, if you’ve been doing it long enough, but i reckon it’s the same for anyone being so expositional as you said. though even without the nudity; we as actors are already doing something so intimate and personal, you know what i mean? we’re shedding our skin and baring our bones over and over again for the public to look at and go, ‘yeah, that’s me; i see myself up there’.”

alfred scratches his neck with his right hand. “it’s not the easiest job in the world, for several reasons, but i believe it’s one of the most human, paradoxically. considering how often celebrities are treated like less than what they are.”

bonus question:

“okay, this is a ‘have’ question: have you ever felt any ‘changes’ while filming one of the sex scene—oh my god!! whose idea was it selecting these questions, you lot?” she covers her ears in shock, holding the paper in her right hand as she looks over her shoulder and at the camera man filming her.

eoin raises an eyebrow at the lewd question, sharing a look with alfred, who chuckles. “would you like to answer this one, alf?”

“we were… filming a scene in the pub, i think? cor, it hasn’t been that long, but i can’t remember, blimey,” he laughs to himself. “this was about… halfway through the story, i think, after a big fight happened. wait—”

he looks to eoin for help, gesturing back and forth in between them. “did we—we slept together after the love triangle thing, right? or before?”

“it was after, darling,” eoin’s “r” flattens into an english one as he reminds alfred gently with a hand patting his knee that appears awfully domestic for an interview. “because you ran me off.”

“i did do that, didn’t i?” alfie remembers with a laugh, “sorry about that, love.”

eoin throws his head back in a fond, genuine laugh that only his counterpart could draw from him, raven fringe falling back into his eyes with the movement.

[nstyjjj]

zaundads headcanon - how they argue

*verbal altercations

silco is a very physical arguer—he pokes, points, shoves, and prods. he squints, scrunches his nose, pouts, hisses, and snipes.

if he has a lot to say, he tells vander to sit down ‘cause he’s not going to get a cramp in his neck from looking up for so long. sometimes when he’s too angry to do that, he grabs a chair or a crate to stand on so that he can argue with vander at eye level/from a higher viewpoint.

(vander finds it really fucking endearing when silco tells him to sit down and/or stomps off and comes back with a crate to stand on, trying his hardest not to smile.)

occasionally, silco physically handles vander into the nearest seat—grabbing him by the shoulders, pushing him, pulling him. the build up to this is silco entering the pub loudly, still sparking and fizzling with frustration like an exposed wire, and stalking past vander without sparing a second glance (automatically expecting him to follow).

when vander doesn’t follow right away (torn on whether or not he should follow or give silco space to cool down first), he gets his answer in the form of silco storming back out from where he disappeared and either standing there waiting for the other man to read the room and leave his station and then dragging him out with a hand on his collar, or silco himself flips up the hatch, grabs vander by the front of his shirt and pivots to stomp off again with the big dog behind him.

which is a sight to see for anyone dining in or taking drink at the last drop for the first time. but to those who knew of the hound and his handler, it was instantly understood that this particular argument wasn’t going to be a swift one.

then it’s all finding the bottom of your tankard really interesting or suddenly desiring to close your tab early because while it could not be seen, silco’s rage was a terrifying one considering how quiet it is. and for vander not to raise his voice once is even scarier considering how dangerous his rage is as who in all of the lanes wields the heraclean talent of taming the hound of the undergound? the pretty bird on his arm?

people wouldn’t believe it until they observed silco for themselves, commanding silent authority from his perch on the bar or overseeing his book of enterprise tucked into a homey booth at the back of the pub. the way he so easily wins the pint-puller’s attention by just being there, sometimes not even saying a word until he takes his leave because there’s too much work to be done and he’s too busy in his head.

vander is all voice when he argues, his gestures come later: a hand in his hair, wiping his face or in the air emphasising his words.

from an early age he learnt to rein in his strength when arguing because of the obvious physical advantage he has over others, so he roars and growls and grits through clenched teeth. he sighs and postures back his shoulders like a soldier rearing to fight but doesn not raise his hands.

when he argues with silco, it’s hard to remain angry because his love for him is always there first before the grievance whenever he looks at him. he sees his soulmate, his other half. his partner.

the same applies when they’re right in each other’s faces, nose-to-nose, and silco is glaring straight death at vander but because he’s looking up, the light catches his eyes and vander’s completely gone (on some “whatever you say, beautiful”).

the way vander doesn’t joke like an adolescent lad when he’s with silco but instead speaks to him like a mature lover—gentle murmurs so soft they’re barely inaudible, not even having to ask his order before vander’s refilling his glass or setting a new bowl down for his elusive canary to pick at.

lingering his eyes in the direction of the dark booth as he polishes glasses, checking in on his partner periodically through the bustling shift.

excusing himself from his patrons to go and say goodnight if silco is the one to leave first, draping the cloth over his shoulder or tucking it into his belt as he follows the younger man up to their bedroom (when the time can be spared) or catching him around the corner and crowding him against a wall. away from the curious eyes of their establishment that ceaselessly wonder at the sort of power silco must possess if he can master the pit’s most feared pair of fists.

and when the night is particularly sweet, with no argument to be had, silco will grab vander by the collar anyway, though he will not be angry. he’ll lead vander up the stairs gently, fingers curling tight into the front of his shirt, as he ascends to their bedroom, frequently looking back to at vander who is following very closely.

[nstyjjj]

the way i feel nauseous reading in-universe young vanco needs to be studied bc all i can think about is how i know *it’s* coming with every line i fucking read and i just sokjnvkbvhkeour cannot cope at all

like what do you fucking mean they were this much in love and then THAT fucking happens are you seriousssssssssss

rewatching the show genuinely brought me to tears during their scenes bc why the fuck is their story so tragic and heart-breaking and UGH.

[nstyjjj]

zaundads actors!au headcanon - interview #2

interview with eoin celebrating the 20th anniversary of his first television drama

eoin crosses a knee over the other and interlaces his hands above it. he is looking out at an angle, staring into the distance with narrowed eyes to organise his thoughts after listening to the question thoughtfully.

“i don’t know; i think there’s something really beautiful about people coming up to you to tell you how much of their lives they attribute to a particular thing you did—twenty years ago, in my case, that they’ve carried with them into adulthood.”

“the profoundness of being intimately tethered in a way to so many people from so many different parts of the world whom i’ll never meet just because i happened to be the one who opened that door up for them—either because they had nobody else in their lives to do it or because they weren’t so sure that they wanted to open it themselves yet, so they kind of, entrusted the process of that oh so special time discovery to me which—i didn’t even know that that was happening first of all until people started coming up to me to talk about it.”

“i was around twenty, wide-eyed and bushy tailed an’ all that; a year or two out of college—just regular, unspecified college it wasn’t an arts school or anything like that. i didn’t know what the hell i was doing with myself at that point!” he chuckles, speaking candidly.

“i landed that audition out of the thousands i had done before and afterwards, possibly a million. i couldn’t afford university, so if nothing came out of those script readings, i’d have probably gone back home to ireland and done uni there, sort of with my tail b’tween m’legs, ‘cause i started drama and acting an’ things b’cause i really wanted to do something big with those talents. i’ve felt it since the beginning of time, so it would have broken my heart very much i think, to go back home with unrealised fragments of a broken dream in my hands, not being able to make sense of them anymore.”

“—but it worked in the end?”

“that’s right,” eoin smiles winningly at the interviewer behind the camera. “only just,” he teases with a coy look, playfully downplaying the thirty years on his belt.

“it was a gamble, doing it ourselves instead of selling it to a larger production company with more presence because there weren’t any assurances that they’d retain the original script or remain faithful to john’s vision for this project, but i think keeping it a home project worked out better.”

“i didn’t have the big picture in mind when i signed on. i didn’t go in knowing that this was going to captivate every single person who watched this show and change their lives or leave this huge impact. all i knew was to do this job to the best of my ability because cecil came to me personally after watching one of my plays and delivered the script to me himself.”

“i am a theatre actor; the only reception i understand is the live audience laughing, clapping, crying or coming to my dressing room to throw their ticket in my face and tell me how shit i was!” he laughs, recalling an early memory.

“there weren’t many other honest shows that spoke about queer identity and sexuality in the way that we did; i think there were about a handful or so of them, so i knew eyes would be on us, but i was not prepared for the fanfare from academies and institutions.”

“so people thanking me for this role, twenty years later, either as adults who watched it when they were young or as young people encountering it more recently gives me a lot of faith, truthfully. in society, in the arts, in myself—whichever one it is at the moment, i have a lot of faith in it.”

he nods, satisfied with his answer. “we’re doing all right, i reckon.”

reference (bc i love alan to pieces and as he says he literally was my childhood and sjnsljsnb i could cry writing this, i got emotional while watching the interview when it dropped i just—sfljvjsnlj that’s my forever mr floop☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️)

[nstyjjj]

(zaundads headcanons) songs of zaun #1 - “never fight a man with a perm” by IDLES

(vanco as this song bc when i first heard i instantly thought of them—you can listen to my entire soundtrack for my fics i made on spotify and youtube🫶🏾)

“a heathen from eton” - silco is an orphan (heathen) mentored by a scholar (eton), who was raised being taught everything he knows about class division, the divide that cleaved zaun and piltover into two, and every bad thing that slid down the back of the upper city. at some point, as a teenager reaching the age of rebellion silco runs away after an argument wanting to make a “real” difference instead of just reading about it. this is when he became a collier and joined the miners, meeting vander, felicia and connol.

silco was convinced that he was doing more working fifteen hours every day and running from enforcers during the other nine hours than he ever did dusting bookshelves and listening to an old man prattle on about history that in his opinion no longer mattered because it was just that, history and a lot of things have changed since before silco was born.

“never fight a man with a perm” - vanco on their very first date; a cloddish vander wanting to make his best efforts asks an inexperienced aspiring hairdresser felicia to do him up fancy, and agrees for her to try out a perm on him, after crudely learning how to do them on herself and connol (before “the great shaving incident” that resulted in him buzzing it off in retaliation).

the perm wasn’t half bad when the skies stayed clear, made vander look stylish and grown up. silco looked spectacular only because of his well-dressedness and natural flair for style, so it really was minimal effort.

vander took silco to the last drop, and they both had a great time, not a date yet but it was really, as they were too young in heart for such definitive words so it felt like any other time they met to spend time together only that the difference was very telling. it was a not-date date.

no date (or not-date) at a bar ends without a bar fight. courtesy of silco’s penchant for dancing precariously on the line between fucking around and finding out (more often than not “finding out”), and vander’s effortlessly intimidating disposition that is a magnet for drunkards who fancy their (non-existent) chances with the hound of the underground.

[nstyjjj]

zaundads actors!au headcanons - interview #1

on set costume interview with eoin and alfred as silco and vander while filming “legends” (2010)

“how is it—filming something in real time like this, ten years apart?”

eoin flicks his long fringe out of his eyes and twists from side to side, stretching his back before he removes his clasped hands from his knee and tucks them under his arms, folding them.

he propped his foot up on the high rung and sat facing away from his co-star, crossing his thighs rather than his knees so he wouldn’t knock into alfred’s legs.

“it’s fun, definitely,” his accent lilts in consideration. “i’ve never done anything like this before, coming from theatre and all. seeing everyone again after such a long time is going to be so interesting, don’t you think? we’d have lived a decent amount of life by then; everybody’s kids would be all grown up and things.”

he turns his head to look at alfred, who tears his eyes away from the younger man’s thighs, straining against the tight leather of his trousers—painted on him, practically.

alfred clears his throat and addresses the interviewer when eoin huffs an amused laugh at his silence.

“yeah, uh, what stevie said—it’s going to be real fun to rehash old stories and share what’s gone on since we last saw each other.” his chair creaks as he shifts in it, folding his hands over his lap.

he looks back at eoin with a soft smile. “perspectives and all that.”

eoin wrinkles his nose, snorting as he nudges alfred’s knee with the point of his heeled boot. “that was very eloquent of you, alfie.”

reference (because of course it’s them)

[nstyjjj]

zaundads actors!au headcanons

silco played by eoin padraig alan stevens - 29th of August 1973

eoin was born in county mayo, ireland, and raised in northern yorkshire from the age of seven (he has irish and british citizenship). his accent, like in the case of lauren cohan, lewis hamilton or christian bale, is an amalgamation of his mixed upbringings. most of the time it’s relaxed oxford english (not overly aristocratic, as he’s a yorkie, so sometimes there’ll be a northern inflection on certain words).

when he visits home, his connacht tends to cling before going away slowly (soft-spoken, like piers brosnan or andrew scott). his language roles include gaelic, italian, french and greek. his accent roles include oxford english, geordie, scouse, cockney, scottish (and other dialects), welsh (and other dialects), connacht (very rarely) and french.

he debuted on television through a family drama, where he played a delinquent son from a small town at war with himself and won his first awards for portraying real queerness at a time when queer stories did not have much visibility. eoin’s portrayal of a young homosexual in the eighties was acclaimed by the queer community and critics of queer cinema for the brutal truth of the character, from candid discussion about the hiv/aids crisis to in-your-face eroticism by way of intimate scenes and sexual freedom, exploration of one’s preference and attractions, long-term relationships as well as gratuitous promiscuity.

eoin was twenty-two and running parallel to his character, as he was going through that same personal exploration then, though under different circumstances. his character’s family remained unaccepting until the very end of the show, where a tragic circumstance sees the character’s life come to an end. the show was released two years after homosexuality was decriminalised in county mayo.

while traditionally catholic, eoin’s family did not practise their religion with malice or prejudice and were eoin’s first lifeline of support regarding the show and himself. eoin returned to theatre after filming the series and didn’t act on screen again until he was twenty-five, when a small production team bookmarked him for an experimental project that they were planning to shoot over the course of ten years to allow the actors to grow into their characters.

vander played by alfred merrick foulkes owain - 13th of february 1969

alfred is an englishman born to welsh parents with slavic/scandinavian heritage (explaining his physique) and has british citizenship. he was a semi-professional rugby player, retiring early at just twenty-six after a serious injury.

pro-rugby was his future until his injury, and dramatic arts was his backup, which he now had the chance to explore by joining community theatres and amateur productions until he met his agent after one of his plays and successfully broke into the west end after one particular audition solidified his presence in british theatre.

alfred is an eastender through and through; he used to struggle with accents so much in the past that his roles were often rewritten as cockneys or non-speaking henchman archetypes. his welsh accent always makes castmates/crewmembers laugh, as it’s an exaggerated impersonation of his mam (with the high pitch to match). language roles include welsh, russian, serbian, czech, and lithuanian.

his standout role was portraying a boxer in a seventies period piece for which he underwent an unrecognisable transformation by shaving down his bulky rugby player’s frame and remoulding it into the physique of a heavyweight champion.

he was close with eoin by this point, running in adjacent circles, being from the same “batch” of actors who had transitioned from stage to screen acting, though he had never had the opportunity to work with him again until riot contacted him.

after flirting around each other towards the end of filming “legends” (the “arcane” prequel), alfred and eoin officially began a romantic relationship in 2000. they had five children (2002, 2005, 2007, and twins in 2009) and married in 2013 as soon as it was legalised. when returning to film the main story in 2019, the couple’s own daughters were cast as the young versions of violet and powder.

they are both private people who do not draw spectacle beyond professional boundaries (and they were not swept up by the hollywood current), so raising a family in the age of digital camera phones and gossip magazines was possible for them, as family always remained a forefront priority.

big family dynamic every day of filming; very often eoin and alfred felt as though vi and jinx really were their daughters because the actresses had done an incredible job retaining their younger selves’ personalities and incorporating them into adult personages. everyone calls them “mum and dad”/“zaundads” because of how much eoin and alfred led the atmosphere on set and looked after the young ones.

lots of cuddles and hugs for the kiddos after emotionally distressing scenes like the opening bridge scene, powder’s abandonment, jinx’s manic episodes and silco’s death. christian wanted to retain natural emotions throughout, so most of the show was filmed chronologically, and when the story called for it he separated certain actors off set until their next scene together.

BONUS: cast interviews with the kiddos are absolute jokes—alfie and eoin as jaded parents wrangling lots of excitable toddlers.