The Nutty Confessor

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Damnesia

I matched with Dan a few days after I decided to put Amnesia Andy in the bin... (for the first time). I told myself I would match with someone who wasn't my usual type, which is: heroin chic, thin, full head of hair and gorgeous. It's vain but I'm a sucker for pretty 'problem' boys. I asked myself 'what's the opposite of heroin chic?' Answer: A police officer. I matched with Officer Dan because I thought he sounded safe. He had a stable job, owned his own house, could put a sentence together and liked pretty normal things: gym, food and trashy sitcoms. He was the complete opposite the sociopath I struggled to stay away from. Dan was handsome in his own way. Blonde, fit, nice eyes, smart dresser and a charmer. He had a fantastic smile and looked hot in uniform. We had a nice first date, a few drinks, burger and saw some art. I got the feeling he was insecure about his height... he was slightly shorter than I am (5'7). Talking to him I started to think becoming a cop had something to do with this insecurity. Authority is a great cure for a complex right? Dan was cool to talk to about just about anything... except women. He had a strange passive aggression about the women of his past. When he spoke about them it made me feel slightly uneasy. They way he spoke sounded almost violent... defensive and bitter. I wrote it off as him just being wounded. I left the first date thinking Dan wasn't right for me but I agreed to a second one as I wanted to know more about him. It was also a good chance to get insight into cop life outside of the job as I always found them so serious and work consumed. On our second date it didn't go so smoothly. Dan couldn't decide what he wanted for dinner so I made a decision. He wasn't happy with the menu and asked if we could go somewhere else within 5 minutes of getting there. I agreed and we walked about 20 minutes to another place... this one was closed. You can tell how someone is going to be with you by how they deal under stress. Dan didn't handle two failed food adventures too well... cranky was an understatement. He actually threw a hissy fit... kind of amusing coming from a police officer. I decided to call time on the date so I suggested we just get something quick and easy to cure his 'hanger'. We grabbed the food, enjoyed it together but when we walked to catch the train home he pointed at a girl standing ahead of us and said 'if you ever cut your hair short like that I will push you down the stairs'. I was a little gobsmacked... did a police officer just say this to me? It was that moment I missed heroin chic and my addiction to this type came flooding back. I told Dan I liked her haircut and I wouldn't care what he thought of mine. He went quiet for a bit but for over it. When I told him my train was about to arrive he asked why I wasn't inviting him back to my place. I regret not telling him it was because of the hair comment. Instead I lied and said I had an early start at work. I never responded to Dan's messages after that. He was the first person I 'ghosted'. It was gutless but I had a sense to run far, far away from this officer of the law. I don't know if Dan ever pushed any short haired women down stairs, but I didn't want to be one of them. Yes I know this is irresponsible. I'm not known for great decisions. I naively thought Officer Dan would help with my heroin chic addiction. Instead after leaving him on the train I dragged up Andy's deleted messages and called him for my next hit. Heroin chic is a hard habit to kick.

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Two loved

I was 18 when I first fell in love. I was in love with love and it was all thanks to one boy. That boy who chased and chased and refused to say no until I accepted a date. I remember his big cheesy grin, full of pure happiness when I agreed to be his girlfriend and go steady. He wanted to tell the world immediately. In our time together he told anyone he could that he and I were a ‘we’. He was so proud of us and his approach to love was 100 percent. And I loved that he loved me. While I was aware that he loved me more than I loved him, I was in love with his love. He taught me what love could be. He also taught me not to take love for granted. Both lessons I would learn long after his love had become a warm memory. It serves as a form of comfort as I sit here almost ten years later wondering why no love has ever been as strong as his towards me. I sometimes ask myself is that it for me? Did I throw something great away because I was too young to have the knowledge and life experience that it was great? At the time I loved how in love with me he was, and never thought it could possibly end. I loved the endless compliments, infatuation, saying and doing without caution. I naively assumed every love was exactly the same, and if I wanted to, I could replace one person with another and they too would shower me with the same amount of love and affection as he had. This naivety led me to begin to fantasise about a life with another person. I got so caught up in chasing the new, exciting and 'honeymoon’ love that I failed to realise what I had in front of me was pretty damn solid. But I couldn’t ignore the feeling that I had more love of my own to give someone. I became obsessed with being able to love someone as much as he did and eventually the desire to chase my own feelings overpowered my love of being loved. After almost six years my first love ended (not well) and I set out to find someone I loved as much as my past love had loved me. Two years later I found it sitting on a park bench. I fell head over heels after an eight hour conversation that almost didn’t happen. My second and strongest love made me believe in love at first sight. He also made me believe in 'the one’… until he told me he wasn’t a few years into our romance. Unlike my first love, I had swapped sensible for impulse and said yes to pretty much anything during our time together. This time I felt infatuated with him. I was in love 100 percent and wanted to give it my all. I never stopped to think that it was possible that his love did not match mine. Like I had done with my first love, this love broke me and to this day I haven’t been quite the same. When my second love told me I wasn’t the one and that he wanted to be alone I immediately understood how my first love felt when I told him the same. It was at that point I knew what it was like to love someone far more than they could ever love you, be blinded by it and live on hope that they will one day match it. When my second love left I gave up on finding that kind of love. I felt there was no way I could possibly love someone as much as I did he. To this day I have not and I still don’t think I will. While my first love taught me what love was, my second love taught me what it was to lose it. I’ve dated, and dated and dated but nothing has come close to either of those loves of my life. I’ve cried myself to sleep at times convinced I’m no longer loveable. I’ve told myself I’ve exhausted my 'love quota’ with two different but very great loves, while some people don’t even get the chance at one. I was naive with the first and cocky and egotistical with the second. I miss them both in their own ways. While I get sad thinking of my two lost loves I know the sadness is temporary. As a way of coping with future rejections and romances that hadn’t matched these two, I convinced myself into thinking the lack of love in my life was karma for the hard rejection I dealt my first love. But I’ve realised rejecting someone doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you an honest one. It also doesn’t make you “damaged goods” even if it feels as though you are sometimes. I certainly do. I don’t want to be in love with love like I did with my first just as much as I don’t want to be in love with someone who doesn’t love me. So I’m not. And while it hurts to feel alone sometimes, it’s ok as love hurts too.

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‘GOTTA CATCH THESE THUGS’: Two Pokémon GO players have been mugged at gunpoint while playing the game in a Sydney park. STORY: http://yhoo.it/29WOIbn

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IF YOU WANT SOMETHING DONE RIGHT, DO IT YOURSELF: The couple who took their own amazing wedding photos

I wrote this article in 2015 for Yahoo7.

If you want something done right you’ve got to do it yourself.

A Brisbane couple has stayed true to this mantra by taking their own wedding photos.

And they’re spectacular.

Matt and Lee Palmer’s wedding was far from traditional.

The pair escaped to Norway to say ‘I do’ in a way they’re unlikely to ever forget.

“We got married in 2012, it was just the two of us that went over but everyone knew we were going,” Matt told Yahoo7.

Instead of being surrounded by family and friends, the couple wed in front one of the most beautiful places in the world; the majestic, snow-covered mountains and wild waterfalls on the cliffs of Geirangerfjord.

Both successful photographers, the couple knew it would be tricky getting someone to come with them on their rural trek.

So they decided to do it themselves.

“We knew what we wanted and we knew we could achieve it ourselves,” Matt said.

“Going somewhere in rural Norway, there weren’t too many photographers around.”

With the camera set up on a tripod with a trigger timer the pair set up for their private photo shoot.

“I got Lee to walk around to the spot and I set up all the settings so they were correct, I had a trigger on timer taking 20 photos five seconds apart,” he said.

But the first attempt didn’t quite go to plan with the groom tripping over as he rushed to get into position.

“It was so slippery your feet just go right out from under you. I slipped and fell on my a**e the first time I ran back to the camera,” he said.

“But it’s the memory that stays with us”.

Matt and Lee met in a rather unusual way too.

It seems Matt unknowingly inspired Lee’s photography career. “I was photographing a gig, Lee was in the crowd and noticed me standing there and thought it would be cool to photograph bands… she ended up shooting for another publication and we’d occasionally see each other and have a chat,” he said.

“I think maybe she would’ve done it anyway, I had no idea that had happened until she told me later”.

“We weren’t romantically involved until about three or four years after knowing each other… it hits you when you’re not looking”.

Since their own wedding; Matt has made a name for himself as a Brisbane wedding photographer.

He swapped a successful career in music and documentary photography to capture couple’s instead.

“Originally I didn’t want to but a friend was getting married and insisted I photograph theirs… I did it and had such a good time,” he said.

“A lot of it is about connecting with the right couples to begin with.

“My ultimate goal is to give my wife and I the freedom to do what we want in life,” he said.

See more of Matt Palmer’s work at Record Makers Photography

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The tale of two mermaids

I wrote this article for Yahoo7 in September 2015.

The tale of two Perth mermaids might sound far-fetched but it’s certainly not untrue.

For the last few years Mermaids Jessica Bell and Amelia Lassetter have become a popular ‘blink and you’ll miss it’ attraction on West Australian beaches.

The former art students like to surprise unsuspecting members of the public with their realistic interpretation of the legendary marine creature.

They can often be found sunning themselves at local tourists spots, wearing highly realistic and visually stunning tails.

“They’re not a toy, they’re a piece of art that you can wear,” Mermaid Amelia told Yahoo7.

“They weigh about 15kg each and squeeze your body into an awkward position which can be a bit painful… but once you are in the water they’re amazing,” Mermaid Jess said.

The fins used on Jess and Amelia’s tails are the same that are used in Olympic diving and moving about in them is physically demanding.

“We’re both big water babies anyway, but we have done dive training since we got the tails,” Mermaid Jess said. “You’ve got to have a lot of experience in the water, be a really strong swimmer and know how to hold your breath… it takes a lot more stamina than most people realise.

“We do a lot of underwater work with photos and underwater performances… We both love being in the ocean, I feel really peaceful when I’m under the water”.

While both Jess and Amelia now have made solid investments in their tails, in the early days they were all handmade.

“We never actually intended it to be a business… at first it was just a hobby for us,” Mermaid Amelia said.

“Jess and I met at uni doing visual arts, she was interested in underwater photography and used to photograph me.

“It didn’t take long for us to start experimenting with fabrics”.

As for the tails they have now, the pair used crowdfunding and their mermaid appearances to raise enough money for them.

“We gave people artwork if they donated towards the new tails and also gave appearances in exchange,” Mermaid Jess said.

“We always thought we’d never be able to afford something like this but we knew it was worth while”.

The eye catching tails made by Fin Folk Production, use colours that symbolise different sea life.

It’s been four years since the mermaids started appearing on our beaches.

Mermaid Amelia, 29, is now also a full-time mer-mum to twins and Mermaid Jess works at a local theatre.

On top of the mermaid life, they’re also working on a children’s book based around the popular legend. And while they’re enjoying the mer-life, both said they never expected their magical personas to take off.

“It snowballed, we never had any intention for it to become what it has… for us it was just a bit of fun,” Mermaid Amelia said.

“But people loved it and the response has been amazing”.

The mermaids now perform at parties, festivals and private events on top of their beach days.

They’ve had to stop announcing beach appearances due to the volume of people that show up just to see them.

“When we first started it wasn’t anything like it is now, we would just go down to the beach and put on Facebook ‘if anyone wants to see a mermaid this is where we will be’.” Mermaid Amelia said.

“It got crazy to the point where a few hundred people turned up… We can’t do it that way anymore, now we still go down to the beach but we don’t tell anyone”.

The surprise factor seems to be working well for the mermaids though.

“It’s like the experience of seeing a dolphin or whale at the beach for people,” Mermaid Jess said.

“You get the experience of seeing a very realistic mermaid. Some people genuinely think we are real.

“We like to be sneaky and pop up and say ‘hi’”.

Despite the joy the mermaids get out of giving people a chance to see them, they didn’t think it was something they could do as a full-time career.

“We have ideas for the future but I don’t think we could do it full-time,” Mermaid Amelia said.

With that said if you’re walking along West Australian beaches you may want to keep your eyes peeled just in case you do spot a real-life Ariel while they’re still around.

For more information on Perth Mermaids check out their Facebook

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Fruit party <3

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Sleep paralysis: where no one can hear you scream.

This article was written by me for Yahoo7 in October 2015.

You’re on your way to falling asleep but you catch a figure out of the corner of your eye.

It’s grim, dark and has the figure of a man but you can’t see their face.

It’s sitting on the edge of your bed.

It looms over you, and then it starts to press down.

You feel as though you are sinking into the mattress with this heavy weight on your chest.

You try to scream but realise you can’t.

You can’t even move.

Millions of people have experienced sleep paralysis yet next to nothing is known about the phenomenon.

For 18 years Cathy Whitaker has become familiar with the grim figure mentioned above.

On the face of it, the 54-year-old Melbourne woman lives a ‘normal’ life.

She’s been married 29 years, has two grown sons and a supportive family and network of friends.

Without digging a little deeper, you wouldn’t know Cathy struggles with depression triggered after several family members passed away and then again by a work accident.

It was about this time sleep paralysis started creeping into her life.

“I was first diagnosed with depression in 1997 which is when the sleep paralysis started,” she said.

“The first episode that I can recall happened less than a week after my Nanna passed away. At the time I thought I was having a stroke and that I would be paralysed, yet aware for the rest of my life.

“I was beyond terrified. I went straight to my GP the next morning. He told me I was just having nightmares but sent me to a neurologist who said it was “nocturnal paralysis”.

Cathy said it was common to feel like someone was in the room with her.

“I see a black figure with a hat and he’s looming over my bed,” she said.

“It’s so real you can’t distinguish in reality what’s going on at the time.

“I did have it as a kid but I didn’t know what it was at the time.

“It’s only after researching it and looking back that I now realise it would have been sleep paralysis”.

While she beat the depression battle for a few years, the black dog returned with a vengeance when she suffered a spinal injury at work that resulted in three spinal operations. She was told she couldn’t work again.

It was also when the horrifying figure in the black hat returned more often.

“It’s always the same figure, same hat… but I never see a face,” she said.

“I don’t know if I’m asleep or awake, it’s a vague hallucination… it’s fear… absolute terror.

Each time Cathy finds herself frozen, unable to move a muscle.

Most times it will be as she is drifting off to sleep, with her husband next to her.

“Hubby will be reading and I’ll turn my light off and fall into sleep paralysis… I can hear him turning the pages and try and yell to get him to shake me but all he hears is a mumble,” she said.

“In my head I am convinced I am screaming ‘help me’ at the top of my lungs”.

“A recurrent dream/hallucination I have during an episode – I will walk to the other end of the house into one of the back bedrooms,” she said.

“I will then try to leave the bedroom, but a dark evil force grabs me and drags me back in.

“It feels so very real, and after an episode I have to gather my thoughts to sort out what is reality”.

“I think it only lasts about 20 seconds. But feels like it goes on for so much longer. In a bad patch I can have several in one night, one after the other.

“I can usually feel it coming on and know when it’s going to happen”.

Despite this, she doesn’t have a fear of falling asleep.

“I went to my doctor when it first happened in 1997, as I thought I had a stroke,” she said.

“He told me I was just having nightmares but sent me to a neurologist who said it was sleep paralysis”.

“I Googled it and realised there’s a lot of people who were going through the same as I was”.

Sleep paralysis occurs when a person is either falling asleep or waking up.

The sufferer is unable to move, speak or react during a transitional state of between being awake and asleep. Hallucinations are often reported.

It’s been linked to other disorders such as narcolepsy, migraines and anxiety – but it can also occur on its own. Cathy has been a migraine sufferer since her early teens.

“When I go into sleep paralysis I’m aware of everything that happens around me,” Cathy said.

“I try to move but I can’t… slowly you realise you’re able to move a little bit and then you can roll over and come out of it.

“Afterwards you feel foggy and try to pull yourself together”.

Not only were sufferers afraid of it, most were afraid to talk about it.

“I think there’s a lot of people out there that do have it and don’t say anything,” she said.

“It’s hard to explain to someone and it’s hard to talk to a GP because a lot don’t accept it because it’s not considered a medical condition.

“I had to explain it to a girlfriend that I was going away for the weekend with, in case I had an episode.

“Sure enough it presented itself and scared the daylights out of her.

“She managed to wake me and bring me out of it…she said I was making this terrible mumbling sound”.

Cathy found solace in forums where she was able to speak to people online that had experienced it.

“Most say it feels like an evil presence looming on your chest and pinning you down,” she said.

“They feel something standing over and looking at them and eventually it pushes you into the bed.

“It’s just awful”.

Fortunately for Cathy, she was at the stage where she could pinpoint sleep paralysis before it hit.

“As I am falling asleep I get a sensation in my head… it’s like someone has my head and they’re putting pressure on it, I also get a buzzing in my ears,” she said.

She said the best way to get through an attack was to relax.

“Know it will pass, concentrate on breathing and ride it out…. You’ve got to relax,” she said.

Unfortunately that can be easier said than done.

As discussions on mental health continue to become more public, Cathy hoped people would come to accept sleep paralysis as a common condition too.

“I think GP’s should be better educated in dealing with people suffering from it because as a patient you are terrified,” she said.

“If they said to me ‘you’ve got sleep paralysis and it’s not going to kill you’ I would’ve accepted it.

“Instead I went home thinking I was mental”.

If you are struggling with depression or anxiety, support is out there. Contact beyondblue on 1300 22 4636.

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http://yhoo.it/27cLyHC A Hawaiian man has proven just how high his pain threshold is after he was impaled through the shin by a huge marlin, and still managed to laugh afterwards.

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Happiness is pizza. 🍕🍕🍕

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"When people say, 'She's got everything', I've got one answer - I haven't had tomorrow." Elizabeth Taylor - the ultimate stunner.

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Oh Marilyn, the ultimate fitspo 🙏😘💪🏻

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Pretty much 😎

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Putting a sepia filter on a photo of an IPhone doesn't make it vintage 😐.

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Here comes Peter Cottontail, hopping down the…highway! This koala seemed to suffer an identity crisis over Easter.

WATCH MORE: http://yhoo.it/25qst3B

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CUTE!

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“Human Library” Teaches Students Not To Judge A Book By Its Cover

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http://yhoo.it/1W4PQcN Outspoken libertarian commentator was left ‘covered in urine’ after a shocking end to a fiery feud with anti-fascist activists.

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Man captured taking pet snake for a swim with beer in hand. 

THIS IS WHY I LOVE AUSTRALIA!