Jokes On Me @oddswayout - Tumblr Blog

🛑 Stop Working for Exposure (Mathematically)

I'm an artist and medical student, and I use art to help me pay some bills.

I built a free, helpful tool because to help prevent other talented creatives from undercharging, as I really see this a lot online.

It's a calculator with a built in reality check

Input your survival costs and expenses

True billable hours

Get the rate you actually need to charge to hit a 20% (or whatever you choose) profit margin.

It generates the rate, a template negotiation email + final invoice.

Plan to keep this tool free, ad-free, and open to everyone.

🔗 Check your math: fairpaycalc.artres.xyz

If the "Thriving Rate" calculation empowers you to double your quote on your next job, please consider hitting the "Buy me a coffee"button. It keeps the server running and the code flowing <3

I am an artist and medical student and creator of Art-Res, a blog where I write and curate art resources. Hopefully you find art that bring

art-res

Thank you for all who tried/spread awareness of the tool and also to people who tipped, truly touched by the support and it means the world! <3

halondrus

solomeo333

Happy burger you can fuck friday

halondrus

Happy burger you can fuck friday

vetchtibbles

james and the giant pronoun

vetchtibbles

stop reblogging james and the giant pronoun

ghostofmads

rb to bonk prev with an empty paper towel roll

zillychu

hey guys check it out I can do a frontside 180 with my stomach haha

zillychu

hopital

zillychu

just 4 u. I braved Phone Art while on Turbo Morphine (I think they called it dilaudid. it's Turbo Morphine 2 me)

oh ur super flexible? yeah well lmao can u do THIS??? (throws up and dies)

zillychu

u know in retrospect my stomach shrimping wasn't even the worst part so far. it was the tube that went to third base with my floppy ass cardia. through my sinuses. just straight up cockwarmed a silly straw all the way thru my esophagus for 2 days

zillychu

I'm a fool. a fucking fool. an absolute clown. do u know what happened minutes after I posted this.

I found out my body cannot handle opioids.

my muscles lock tf up and deliver the worst pain imaginable in every direction at once. I can't describe it. it's not just pain it's the sensation of every disgusting awful flu ache you've ever experienced in your life condensed into one square inch of your body, all over your body.

do u know what alternatives hospitals have to opioids? HA, HAHAHA

they don't

zillychu

GUESS WHOSE HOSPITAL IS GETTING HIT BY A TORNADO

zillychu

made the saving throw 😎 not today, Satan

zillychu

Y'ALL WILL NOT FUCKING BELIEVE WHAT BIOLOGICAL PROCESS STARTED LITERALLY THE DAY BEFORE SURGERY

zillychu

THERE'S ANOTHER FUCKING TORNADO

zillychu

I'd love to say this has been an educational experience, but unfortunately I run on Spite and simply vow to torture my blorbos even more now

which is saying something while being in the Vivisect the Half Dead Child fandom

zillychu

I LIVED BITCH!!

Stomach is back where it should be, I got some guts stapled and skin glued, and recited Dexter's Lab every time the nurses mixed powdered medicine in with my applesauce. I'm bored of drinking ramen and watching Resident Alien reruns so I'm gonna peruse the tags!

I cannot tell you how many times I unironically gazed into the middle distance and thought this

I've learned things can be true and also a shit post at the same time. unfortunately

starting to think maybe I've been saying this too much all my life and karmic justice just backed up in the pipes before exploding. still gonna obliterate those twinks tho. get back here Siffrin I'm not done with you yet

this guy is getting the true moral of this story

I HAVEN'T IN YEARS so either the AO3 curse has a disconcerting half-life, or it extends to discord servers and Google docs. both are horrifying and deserve a federal grant for further investigation

you and me both! isn't nature beautiful

you've made me realize my most recent fic in my gdocs is in fact the darkest thing I've written. so maybe all the ppl in the tags claiming AO3 curse aren't as wrong as I've been thinking they are

god's a bitch and I'm into omegaverse

I feel like I should get a medal for enduring something so fucked up that randos on the internet think I must be lying. yeah bro me too

did I stutter

zillychu

honestly the worst part about all of this is the fact that I can't watch Murderbot. I want to so bad. but I refuse until I'm feeling halfway alive again

fuck life. I give myself lemons. AO3 on hospital Wi-Fi

you do not. like emphatically, I don't think that's a great idea

I'd say I'm sorry but tbh this seems very on theme for ISAT so

THANK you I need everyone to remember I'm a gamer first, god's favorite crusty sock in the bottom of the drawer second

the ARE a lot of people in the tags calling me Jesus Christ

I'll admit that one's on me. when I started being unable to eat anything, my first thought was not "stomach straight up saying the abdomen's haunted"

I hate that I was actually considering getting white haired anime boy haircut right before all this happened. could you fucking imagine

don't carbon date me like this

Rascal Flatts was right. life is a highway and it's riding me all night long

zillychu

the abortion was a success! (/silly)

they snipped and stitched some things, yanked the whole sucker back down UNDER my diaphragm where it belongs, and did this thing called a fundoplication where they wrap and stitch the top of the stomach around the bottom of the esophagus. it’s supposed to help keep that little bastard in its assigned seating

what I had was a called a combination sliding hiatal hernia (stomach wants uppies) and paraesophageal hiatal hernia (stomach wants uppies but through a different hole in the diaphragm bc it’s not like other girls, making it look like it’s trying to phone home), along with combined organoaxial and mesenteroaxial gastric volvulus (stomach flops around like a dead fish and twists itself shut like a bread bag AND goes upside down). the former usually ends up cutting off blood flow and starts necrotizing the stomach (very dangerous), but I was extremely lucky that hadn’t happened yet!

the hernias are uncommon but not terribly rare. the stomach flopping around? that’s rare. the fact that I had both of these at the same time, where they both did ALL AVAILABLE BAD THINGS POSSIBLE?

to put it gently, according to one resident, I had surgeons fighting over me. pictures were taken. I had like six separate groups of medical professionals coming into my room regularly. my surgeon shook my hand like I was a celebrity. it was honest to god hilarious.

all in all, I spent 3 months thinking I was being a huge wimpy diaper baby, only to find out I narrowly evaded death bc my friend Moth told me to go to the ER right away, and it triggered a panic attack big enough to make me do just that. the poor ER doc came in sweating with the initial CT scans like “I’m gonna be real with you I’m not entirely sure I know what I’m looking at but it’s giving INCREDIBLE Emergency Surgery”

I’m upset I don’t get to birth an alien baby, but considering how it was Rapturing into my chest, it probably would have been a chest burster anyway. I want to kiss Miss Xenomorph as much as the next guy but I think I’ll just stick to sending prime numbers out into space until one returns my booty call

EDIT: btw I love the dog jokes lmao I had no idea volvulus was common in dogs! don't worry I'm not a werewolf (unfortunately), I simply have hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos, which makes all my connective tissue soft and stretchy. So we're waaaay more prone to having organs (and joints) slip n slide around and do things they REALLY aren't supposed to. But I wish I was a werewolf even more now. when will it be my turn

zillychu

haha that was a fun near-death experience glad it's over though GUESS WHO JUST GOT FIRED

zillychu

ARE YOU KIDDING ME THERE'S ANOTHER FUCKING TORNADO

zillychu

my clowns in hellsite, I have no idea how my house is intact when there are trees uprooted by my mailbox. if I had less staples in me I'd bend over and moon the sky

I'm not gonna keep dragging this post on I swear I'm just still on pain meds (I can handle higher doses of weaker opioids for some reason! yippee!) so I'm gonna look through the tags one more time and address a couple things I've seen often

- no, I wasn't doing anything in particular to fuck up my guts. sometimes our organs just Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2 right through the polygons. don't worry about it, it's rare and you get a fun story to tell ur friends

- yes, I was fired because I missed too many days nearly dying and requested more to recover from nearly dying. what can I say I'm a needy unreasonable bitch

- yes it's pretty lame to do this to someone right as they stumble off the operating table and get dumped with expensive medical bills. yes this is legal. yes I'm filing for unemployment. yes I would leave mouse poops in the CEO's coco rice krispies if given the chance. love and peace ✌️

- it's cool my dudes I live in the Midwest, basements are an evolutionary aspect of natural selection here. we've also got Steve Templeton I'm pretty sure he fights the tornadoes off himself

- Murderbot TV series good :)

- don't worry guys I know the original artist for Life is a Highway. Lightning McQueen

- there are a LOT of you offering advice on how to avoid the torment nexus. while having a Siffrin pfp. just an observation

- who the fuck is Job

please laugh. every drop of joy I squeeze from this karmic fart parade is another finger shoved firmly up god's withered asshole

can everyone stop being funnier than me for 2 minutes

I only fucked someone once and it was bc they replied to my reply on their comment to the fic I filled for their kink meme prompt on Livejournal. it was vore. and my name's not Jesus

no I'm going I want to ask Joshua how he got that gay

can y'all stop comparing me to deities I'm already on thin ice here with one or possibly more of them

no this is Patrick

I'm sorry to disappoint but I only have 2 weed smoking girlfriends. if anyone lets me borrow one of theirs tho it would really help the Make A Wish Foundation. I beg them once a week and they keep telling me I'm "not a child" and "already got two wishes fulfilled"

take a ticket and get in line if you're gonna make an attempt on my life, you goddamn heathen

you can't give me this after I was just accused of being Dave Strider

DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE

worldheritagepostorganization

World Heritage Post

allaboutthems

covington-shenanigans

when i was allegedly a woman i was briefly married to a cis guy before coming out as a lesbian and getting a divorce. my now ex-husband, a genuine sweetheart of a man, was very kind about it all and we remain good friends.

twenty-five (!) years later I came out as a trans man.

now. the important thing to know about my ex-husband is that he loves nothing more than 1) horrible puns, preferably bilingual ones; 2) terrible dad jokes; and 3) committing to the bit until the end of time. he absolutely lives for Shenanigans and Japery. i do not know how his long-suffering wife puts up with him, but they've been married for more than 20 years so presumably she manages.

so, to break the news to my ex, i texted him. the exchange went something like this:

me: "great news, i'm a trans guy now"

him: "oh, congrats!"

me: "thank you. now for the better news: I insist you refer to me henceforth only as your ex-husband. do you accept this challenge?"

and my cis, straight-as-an-arrow, lives-in-the-midwest, married-to-a-minister ex-husband was like

AND HE DOES! gleefully and completely straight-faced, as I understand it. confuses the hell out of everyone, none more than cishet conservative people who've known us both for decades and know for a fact he's only been married twice. I hope he never explains.

anais-ninja-bitch

amazing stuff.

currentlyfreebleeding

try to find a comfortable sitting position that doesn’t hurt any part of my body challenge (it’s impossible)

avocant

okay so I'm having a debate with my flatmates

are these all different things and if so what do you call them

moonywithatrafficcone

#1 is a hoodie. No doubt about it. Zip is there, hood is there. It is a hoodie.

#2 is where we start to question a little bit. But the answer remains the same. That is a hoodie.

#3 is not difficult at all. That is a jumper. NOT A SWEATER. A sweater is not ugly unless it is a christmas sweater that is intended to be ugly. That third one is a jumper (or a pullover if you want to be different).

am i correct

yes

double yes

no (put your answer in replies)

vanilla extract/results

Voting ended onApr 11

#hoodie #pocket hoodie (to me)#crew neck

pliablehead

'you can smoke whatever drugs you want idgaf' and 'apartment building etiquette is such that i should not be able to instantly smell your rank-ass weed stank through our shared wall' are two sentiments that can both be true

apolladay

Do you have any piercings besides your ears?

yes

nuance

Voting ended onMar 25

#like... 12?

smolfoxbab

can’t believe this iconic moment hasnt shown up on my dash yet in light of today

et tu

hisuianserperior

Knives! Get your Knives here for no particular reason!

🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪

Get em while they're cold, get em while they're sharp!

Special discount if your name is Brutus for no reason in particular!

zoobus

Thoughts on Pokemon Fire Red/Leaf Green:

Starting to think there's no Pikachu in this forest

"there's a 5% chance of Pikachu showing in viridian forest" right and mew is under the truck

and is the 5% Pikachu in the forest with us right now

Wow! Another kakuna! You know what else allegedly has a 5% chance of showing in viridian forest?

I'm writing a book, it's called Catching Pikachu before Power Plant and Other Urban Legends

1:8,192. One in eight thousand, one hundred, and ninety-two. .0122%. Those are the odds of seeing a shiny pokemon in LeafGreen. Do you know what the odds of seeing a Pikachu are? 5%. Five. Percent. So for every twenty pokemon, you should see one pikachu. Statistically speaking.

I found a shiny metapod in Viridian Forest. Wow. Isn't that something.

mr-leach

My own son??? Happy to see ME??? For real?!?

ztlawton

Should we keep Daylight Saving Time (a.k.a. Daylight Savings Time)?

Since most people in the United States just changed their clocks again, it seems like a good time to ask: should we keep doing that? Or should we just pick a time and stick with it?

"Solar noon" is the time when the sun is at its highest point in the sky, halfway between sunrise and sunset. During Standard Time, solar noon happens at approximately 12:00 (clock noon). During Daylight Saving Time, solar noon happens at approximately 1:00.

(I say "approximately" because the exact time depends how far east or west you are in your time zone.)

Hawaiʻi and (most of) Arizona have already switched to permanent Standard Time. Should the entire country do the same, or switch to permanent Daylight Saving Time, or continue switching between them two times per year?

Should we abandon or keep Daylight Saving Time?

We should use permanent Standard Time (solar noon ≈ 12:00)

We should use permanent Daylight Time (solar noon ≈ 1:00)

We should switch between them twice every year

Voting ended onMar 17

Please consider reblogging for a better sample size!

seththemusehub

Tigger has a urinary blockage. He's been trying to pee and not producing anything for a few hours now. He's been acting kinda weird the last few days, but I didn't think a lot about it.

Asked the emergency vet about what to do and all I can do is bring him in, the estimated bill for which is at least $600. Which I don't have. They suggested a credit thing, which is owned by PayPal, which just won't work with me. I don't know what else to do right now. I won't be getting disability until the end of the month, and this isn't something that can wait that long.

I can show proof of it after I go, but I need to get them to take him first. I don't want to lose my cat. I don't have any other options right now. Please help if you can.

Paypal.me/seththemuse

seththemusehub

they accepted him and reiterated the $600 for a few nights to make sure he doesn't just block up again once whatever he's got passes. I got about $110. after I go pick him up is when they'll give me the printout. they told me that it's good I brought him in when I did, since he was still alert and responsive, which is a relief.

I made the original post at 4am while waiting in the car for the emergency vet to get there and take him in, if that explains a little bit about wording. spent most of yesterday asleep, unless I had to be up to do stuff like physical therapy. today I am exhausted and absolutely brain-fogged to shit. so this is probably not gonna be much better to read.

every time I am made aware of, or find a new loan thing for this, I try it out and it says nope. either because my bank account is a prepaid one and they don't like that, or because the loan place is run by paypal who just don't like my bullshit and won't let me have credit through them. I'm hoping to just get enough that they'll agree to let me pay the rest back when I get my disability at the end of this month/start of the next, since I don't really expect to make the $600 in the next like, 24 hours.

seththemusehub

finally got a call from them. he's doing good and can come home in the morning. Tigger is apparently VERY done with them, so they're going to be removing his catheter and keeping him overnight to make sure he doesn't plug back up.

I am going to give them whatever money I have when I get there, and then whatever else they require is going to come out of my SSI or whatever donations I get afterwards. I'm hoping I can get more help, because I don't have a lot of money to work with from my SSI between rent and bills coming up, and my reduced SNAP benefits.

I really appreciate the help thus far, and I would also appreciate if this could still be sent around a bit to try and help me make up a little more of the cost so I don't have to live off of ramen next month or something.

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

Jokes On Me