I chat a lot of irreverent shit and tend to lead with a sort of blasé, unbothered public persona that revels in the mess of my problems as much as it begrudgingly treats them seriously, but.
Let me be clear, this drug addiction shit is no joke. I made some serious miscalculations here, didn't treat the risks with respect and let myself flout sensible rules unseriously, just for the catharsis of a crash-out without truly believing it would expose me to any real danger.
I was wrong, badly, and may have totally fucked myself. Kind of can't believe some of the places this has been landing me, and it's clear my own decision making process can no longer be trusted. It's even worse because it doesn't feel like anything is wrong, I feel totally normal, except for when I'm seized by inexplicable desire to take the drug, or when it turns out that some plan of action I was drafting myself contains an implausibly coincidental amount of [OBTAIN AND USE SUBSTANCE] beats.
I'm fascinated, horrified, and still somewhat in disbelief. I keep not believing in the scope of this problem, quietly forgetting knowledge of it, then immediately tripping and falling into it again as I find myself doing something totally mad. Frantically working to come to terms with the scope of the problem and resolve it in a way I won't self-sabotage.
Don't get addicted to drugs, I think. It's bad. That's not to say I think drugs themselves are bad; I think it's possible to do pretty much all of them relatively safely in the right context, or at least within at least somebody's chosen risk budget. But don't play around with addiction risk, treat it with respect no matter how fake it may sound that your brain will start to act against you.
Because the problem is it doesn't; you start to act against you, and you don't even realise what you're doing until it becomes so cartoonishly bad as to trigger self-reflection. I didn't realise I was actually addicted to anything until I was halfway through explaining to a friend in full earnestness that I could sooner imagine dying than a universe where I chose to give up access to it. It didn't feel strange as I said it at all, and it was only on internal mental replay that some part of me flagged, "hang on, what we're saying right now is obviously totally insane?"
Hahaha boy and you guys don't even know how nuts it got after that. Ya girl is cooked
Anyway, if nothing else remember this; if you like drugs (and I do, viscerally aesthetically and politically) then take care not to become addicted to them, because unfortunately the only long term recourse for that is to do less drugs.
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