I never thought i would love this much.
I am 22 now. I Never once thought I would be alive by this point. My thoughts hit at wall at 18. Big and bright. It was Live or Die. That was the choice I would inevitably have to run into.
And I wouldn’t believe myself, if i went back in time, and told her we chose to just… keep going. It wasn’t exactly a choice, even. It just. Happened. One step, one day, after another, every morning waking up to the blinding sun and clawing our nails into the dirt.. with some faint hope either life would somehow change, or I would somehow change.
I’m not sure which actually happened.
But, I think, Both.
And i found waiting there, in the dirt beneath me, to be love. Endless amounts of it, in the grasses and the spiders and the stinkbugs and the damselflies and the sparrows and the slugs, one day a bird drops a leech in my yard on the hot dry concrete, and i bring it to a puddle. I do not know what would become of the leech, I know it will not survive long, but for a moment, i extend this act of kindness.
And here I am. So lucky to be alive. Past so faded and faint and blurry, trying to make sense of the world as i have it now, trying to place not only myself, but the world, the universe as we know it,
on an unknowable scale of infinite unknowable things.
and having all of these feelings
but god is it good to have feelings
god is it good.
I promise.
