Letting Others Fill Your Cup
“We accept the love we feel we deserve”.
“Can we make them know that they deserve more?”
“We can try”
What prompted this entry: I met some new friends. It’s a big deal because I don’t often add to my circle and it’s really been a whirlwind of insecurities and emotions for me. One of them feels like home, another feels like a scary adventure. One reason is that she’s very much the opposite of me: she has an authentic voice and is free in expressing it. She expresses her intelligence, her fun, her earnestness, her joy, her confusion, her insecurities- all from a place of love. She expresses her touch, and extends her personal space to encompass others. She obviously still sets boundaries to make it clear that it’s platonic but also makes it very clear that she’s fond of me and wants me in her life.
Ofc, I’m the opposite. I close off my personal space, and over the last few years have really stopped showing most of my emotions. I only know myself in relation to others based on the roles I play for them. The trouble was that I didn’t have a role for this definition of friendship because the level of intimacy overlaps heavily with romantic love for me. The chaos has been trying on all the roles I’ve learned over my life time and finding none of them fit this new friendship. So...
What I've learned over the last few weeks: First, the context is that I asked her on a date when I met her. “She rejected me” is how I phrase it now when I think about it to myself. Is it true? Nah. But that’s my way of protecting myself and distracting me from the fact that, it turns out, I only feel safe and comfortable accepting love if it’s not platonic, and if it’s from a partner. So I see her love and how freely it’s given to me (platonically) and to others and it triggers an insecurity that demands I can only receive affection from a partner. Is there a romantic component to our dynamic? Occam’s razor says no.
So upon reflecting, I’ve identified those voices and roles that have been given to me by others:
“I need her to be my partner in order to feel safe and deserving of it”.
“I need to stop myself from falling for her in order to protect myself from the self-inflicted heartbreak.”
“You can’t treat me so nicely unless you like me”
Those aren’t my words but I find them coming from my mouth. They feel hollow, superficial, not authentic. So I’ve really had to take a step back and reevaluate in order to not miss out on a potentially great friendship.
Finding a new hat/role: Roles are adopted in order to provide me a script. Who am I supposed to be to this person? Obviously, a defense mechanism if ever there was one. But it also creates a baseline identity crisis that’s summed up pretty nicely by Robert Downey Jr. in Tropic Thunder:
“I know what dude I am. I’m a dude, playing a dude, disguised as another dude. You’re the dude that don’t know what dude he is.” - Kirk Lazarus, Tropic Thunder
So obviously when I find that I don’t have a hat for a new dynamic, I get very confused. This hat requires me to be openly affectionate, and emotional, and close but has no romantic component. I don’t have a hat like that. So, this morning while sifting through the chaos of my confusion of who I am to her, what I feel, what I’m allowed to feel...I came to a conclusion- Maybe just don’t play a role and be myself?
So that was this morning’s journal entry: me turning inward and listening to my own voice regarding the situation: ”I feel a fear of love and human connection. It is human to feel this fear of love and human connection. But my growth looks like me accepting when someone sees my cup is empty & allowing them to fill it up. Running from my growth looks like me pouring out my cup because it triggered me.”
Which brings us to the Perks of Being a Wallflower quote: “We accept the love that we feel we deserve.”
And it turns out, I don’t feel I deserve love from someone unless they’ve proven beyond all doubt that they’ve seen me and still love me. I obviously have been living with heart break and possibly never lived without it. I’ve tohught I moved on and recovered but the reality is that I’ve just found relief in other relationships. Both the ones that worked and the ones that haven’t. I find relief in being loved, and relief in blaming existing pain on love that didn’t work out.
But this feels like an opportunity to open myself to love from myself, and in turn accept the love that others have always had for me. Because I deserve it. I’m intrinsically thoughtful, compassionate, patient with others, I allow them space to be more than they are otherwise allowed, I’m gracious, generous. All things I find beautiful in others and people gravitate towards that. I don’t have to feel like I’m buying anyone’s love because that’s who I am and that alone earns me the love I receive.
Will have to keep journaling. This has been v helpful with navigating the internal world.
jacobvanloon
janainaart
yousharknotpass
jbbartram-illu
2087
tangentwithtanner
areudirty
