omsb8

fuck the mainstream, fuck everything

[omsbt]

I am never a part of anything or anyone. I never was. Neither will I ever be.

Always a traveler. Inside and out of people's trips. especially the closest. Were they ever the closest?

Always an observer. Or an outsider.

A gentle breeze. meant to ease through a heatwave. pouring serenity and relief to the universe. A gentle breeze that belongs to no one. A gentle breeze. Disappears before you even know. No one should know. Thats how a breeze flow. No one should know.

[omsbt]

The empress could tell her prey has easily surrendered already. As my heart pumps more blood to my erection, She pushed her feet harder in me, as if she was declaring territoriality and possession, taking lead over my whole chemistry.

She stepped with her feet on my knees, gently moving along my hips, rousing me carefully, eventually holding my erected penis under her toes, as if it's a tribal conquer ritual over the soul that has fallen for her mercy.

[omsbt]

Between her thread stitches sung a tribal hymn that moves all creations.

Her movements are musical. Sophisticated yet simply flowing. Have strong gravitational forces yet pushes souls to vast expansion.

She pulls threads with her fingers in perfect motion, stretching my flesh along in whole-helpless-nakedness

[omsbt]

After you knew how life is...If you had the chance to be reborn again would you do that?

When I was asked this question, my answer was a strict no.

I had few attempts to take my life. And I take my life in my head on a daily basis.

We try to survive with trauma and depression. We try to see the beauty in life in the midst of a tornado of complex feelings. It's like living continuously in the fog. we lose sense of time and space, we lose all capability of human interaction, we lost the motivation to persist, or even dream.

Life always percieved unfair to us and to other species. The systems that we choke under, the cultures that promotes violence, the discrimination we as individuals experience at our homes, societies, families. Sometimes we punish our selves for faults we never made. Sometimes we try harder to hold on, cease the moment and live it fully. We try to love life again. We try to nourish ourselves and our love to life back. Not only surviving, but actually living.

Myself has been percieving this whole toxicity between my mind-body and life as one sided relationship. Not mutual. No matter how honest I try to love life also on brokenness, I am not capable of sensing joy. I try to be whole with it. I guess I'm whole with it. I'm whole that I'm fucked, I'm whole if I stay fucked, im whole if i stay, I'm whole if I go. But somekind of non-belonging sensation always lurking around. I fucking don't belong here. does anybody know what I'm talking about?

[omsbt]

[omsbt]

I'm nothing.

I'm no one.

I'm nothing to no one.

[omsbt]

Am I even alive?

Anyone identified with the sensation?

[omsbt]

A gaze at the sky is also a gaze at the past, scientifically and philosophically.

A glance to our individual and collective history is also a glance to our internal and external realms and habits.

[omsbt]

[omsbt]

Hello beautiful blondie. My tongue is reaching out to lick your pain away. Like the first rain washes the dust on the trees after a long burning summer. Licking your fast brain pulses. It might ache. you can bite your misery on my back. Or close your teeth on my left arm and bite hard. your demons starting to vanish, as I touch your hair with my right hand all night. Demons are scared of continuous love and kindness. They'd definitely vanish... again, Hello beautiful blondie. Can you actually hear me now? Perhaps we can gaze at each others eyes. Perhaps we can kiss. Perhaps we can really pour some vodka for the peace of mind you deserve. (Oh It would be intimate drinking vodka of your vagina too, fused with all your tasty liquids, if you choose to). Cheers.

[omsbt]

I hate you, motherfucker.

[omsbt]

Shalom, boss. You didn't show today and that made me so depressed and melancholic.

[omsbt]

Shalom, Boss. Do you have time for me, please?

As I started my shift, I heard her running down the stairs. I can recognize the knocks of her high heels. I turned back looking at her. A young married gorgeous perhaps religious mother who gave birth recently, and lives happily with her small happy family. She came down with black, dotted offwhite dress. it flowed as a waterfall over her body as she was making her way down. Her beautiful long silky dark legs and her feet pressed in that black high heel. She made my heart rate leap in ecstasy, and my spring of life rich with meaning. all of me wanted to wrap all of her, starting with her feet.

For some reason I couldn't maintain eye contact with her. I never could. I just shook my head with embarrassment to say hello. she looked back deep into my eyes, as she always does, so I turned my sight down. she looked stressed, confused, devastated. Hurrying, on her way attending a funeral of a colleagues daughter whos gone suddenly. so painful for everyone. I saw the sadness in her lucid dark eyes. She looked messy from the inside. Her hair was half brushed. I wonder how this unique lady manages all this daily stress, keeping low calm vocal tones to interact with her environment, and serene heart that pumps loving blood to all the surroundings.

My eyes follow her, till the very slightest movements. How she breathed, how she made her coffee, how she opened doors, how she talked, how she reacted to different people. I steal glances at her neck, shoulders, teeth, eye lashes, arm veins, young maternal attractive breasts, her stitched belly and thighs, as she takes different positions sitting on her chair. Her voice, in its nature, merges between mature and teenage vocal qualities. My ears shiver as your voice vibrates inside me.

I wonder if that crossed your mind the way I'm feeling about you lately.

She's gone now for a couple of hours and I'm starting to lose patience as I waited desperately for her presence around me again. To shower me with everything that she consists of. Everything she's made of. All the human she is. All the woman she is.

Two hours later I was attending the weekly staff meeting. She wasn't there. I was disappointed. I almost lost all hope until I heard her heels going upstairs. I knew she was her. I felt every step she made triggering more foreign beats between mine. In my chest. In my mind. Between my thighs. Fantasies of her entering the room, and pouring her loving existence on my soul and flesh made me so hard, my pants got tight as soon as she got in. I put one arm on my pe*** to cover it, as she picked the only chair positioned directly Infront of me. She entered fast, and took her seat gently in order not to disturb the flow of the ongoing conversation. Appeared to restart her mind and energies. Made small Rearrangement of her hair. put one leg on the other. Appealing as she is. Feminine as she is. Tough as she is. I gazed at her while fireworks played in my background. So many associations in my head all of them lurking on the idea of how much I want your soul and body to calm, rest, to be whole as I touch your skin with my bare hands. Fireworks of frames that I remember of you: small details about you like ummm the shape of your fingers, the way your knees break on those high heels, your veins in your neck, your black hair, your eye language, your teeth, your face muscles flexing as you switch between moods that you never externalise. If I can share with you how much I want to crawl on my knees, to your seat, hug your tired legs, lick your exhaustion out of them, massage them with the tips of my fingers. For the rest of the meeting, and kiss your toes badly. You always show love with open arms to those who seeked security and safety. Don't you deserve someone to give his whole entity to you back? I wanna be your favourite worker. What could make me your favourite worker? I can keep a secret, or more. I'll be right on your call always- whenever you call. Bet my auto-response and reflexes are faster than the most sincere dogs and wolves.

Should I be more sensitive to you, my dearest manager? Please Define my functions as you ever desired, extend my powers. rely on me. Grant me the honor of holding you and I'll transmit every minute of relaxation that the humankind has experienced since pre-history to all your stiffed muscles- the moment you call my name. Let as many as you can of my functions be dedicated to your satisfaction. To your service. To your pleasure. To your relief. To your feet comfort. Let me take off your heals, sniff your smell, inhaling every particle deep inside my lungs way to the tip of my p****, and hump them as I wash your burdens off your feet with my grey hair. I'd hold them close to my face, hug them to my cheeks. Let's build a green room, made only for us, so that you can demand to own me, tie me to you, anytime you desire, anytime you need anything. I can pick your daily dresses. I can pick your daily heels. You can have privacy if you need. You know... Dogs are proud to show their affection and love to their loved&desired ones. I'd totally be wagging my tail if my only job was to be your loyal servant. Try me, boss. Haven't I proven myself enough? do you need more of me? I know I need all of you.

You can Imprison me in the restroom next to your office. You can possess me to yourself alone, as your little secret, as your favourite kind of chocolate, as your damned creature that only you have known it's beauty, as your loving servant- or you can introduce me to people. I can't take my eyes off you anyway. Each time you have a break, each time you're reminded of things you need to do, to feel, to think, to accomplish, to desire, enter the restroom, and put me on your path. I'll go all the way for your sake, boss. I'll go all the way with you. I'll go all the way to you. Blindly.

((((I should Keep it formal I should keep it formal I should keep it formal I should keep it formal. How the fuck can I keep it normal or formal. counting days to see you again. Shabbat Shalom, boss))))

[omsbt]

Overdose of self hatred

obsessive compulsive overthinking Insomnia

Acute withdrawal

In dark nights

I lose myself.

Everynight I lose

Another piece of my soul

To neurotic thoughts.

No rest until final rest.

I feel my mind eaten

From the very inside.

Am I so unwanted?

I am so unwanted.

I don't want myself either.

I hope the sun won't be late this morning.

[omsbt]

It's weird how people show different faces on different drugs. Sometimes I feel like I'm not to talking to people rather than the drugs affecting them. Most are paranoid of pot. alcohol. crystals. Even psilocybin. People are so far out from themselves. That they don't remember who they are in the first place. They don't remember me anyway. People forget how to be tender to each other unless they are drugged or stoned or drunken or high. I feel so alone. People claim they're hippies. People claim they're awakened. They're connected maybe to some peaceful buddhist realm. People claim they're loving. They're staying. They're trying. Drugs change people. Addiction changes people. People are a lot kinder and a lot more aggressive simultaneously. In a non sensible way. I wonder what we love about each other. does love even exist. I wonder if I wanna exist any longer. In world where I can recognize no one, not even my own self. If such thing even exists. Fucking loops

[omsbt]

Shoop! Right in the rear of my skull

Kill me, for god's sake.

[omsbt]

Dunno who I am

Dunno what Im still doing here