The Will To Live Outweighs The Ability To Die.

"I don't want to go to heaven, none of my friends are there" ~Oscar Wilde.

[rainbow-femme]

Everyone sees a post-retirement Shane meltdown coming a mile away unless they find something to fill the hockey shaped hole in his brain, and someone casually throws out Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and Shane figures well why not, can’t hurt to go to one class and see how it feels

He goes in and immediately, day one, gets his ass absolutely handed to him. Slammed to the ground, choked out, beat to shit, no rest no mercy the entire time and he LOVES it. Getting pushed and tested, needing to figure out strategy, fully working his muscles and getting thrown around. He comes home bruised and sore and can’t wait to go back

Ilya isn’t super sure at first about his husband getting recreationally beat up, especially after going to a practice early on and getting nauseous from watching people choking Shane and purposely putting him in so much pain he’s forced to tap out. The spouse of another person at the gym says to wait a few months before trying to watch again

But after a while he starts regularly hearing Shane laughing and Anya happy barking from other parts of the house, and walking in to find the two playfully wrestling around. Or when they watch the Pike kids they all want turns to get flipped around and wrestled by uncle Shane

And then of course one day Shane texts Ilya saying he wants Ilya to help him learn a triangle submission, and he adds a winky face and Ilya is just ??? Ok? I guess? But then he looks one up and well. That sure. Uh. That sure would be his husbands big strong sweaty thighs locked around his head and you know maybe he shouldn’t be too hasty to judge this hobby

Very soon Ilya is looking up moves for them to “practice” and he starts to see the appeal of his big strong husband being able to manhandle him and also anyone else. When he finally goes to watch another practice he sees Shane taking down guys six inches taller and fifty pounds heavier with ease and no actually so sorry they can’t go out to eat with everyone afterwards he needs to get his hot sweaty husband home immediately

The hockey world struggles to hide how pissed they are the first time Shane wins a tournament because of course he can’t retire normally and had to go and become the best at something else, specifically something that means he could beat the shit out of any of them if he wanted

[perlukafarinn]

One of the rookies on the Centaurs asking the guys on the team for advice on this girl he's been trying to date. He can't tell if she likes him and is just nervous about taking it to the next level, or if she's trying to let him down easy and he hasn't been able to pick up on it.

He doesn't get much useful advice and soon the guys are arguing about how long you can pursue someone before it starts getting pathetic. Holmberg is at one end of the spectrum at two weeks ("We're rich professional athletes, man, we shouldn't have to try that hard.") and Wyatt Hayes is on the other at three months ("Maybe she likes you but just doesn't want the WAG lifestyle. You need to prove to her that you see her as a person with her own goals separate from yours.")

Then someone notices that Ilya, despite his wealth of experience, hasn't chimed in yet and asks, "What do you think, Cap?"

"Two years."

The entire room goes still.

"What?"

"Two years," Ilya repeats, completely unashamed. "Is not pathetic to go for what you want. Not if you think they're worth it."

In sync, every person in the room turns to look at Shane, who's pretending to fiddle with the laces on his skates, looking pink-faced and vaguely pleased.

Finally, Holmberg turns to the rookie. "Okay, I guess two years is fine if it's Shane Hollander. Is your girl Shane Hollander?"

The poor rookie has no response to that. His girl is, indeed, not literally Shane Hollander.

"Man, gay people move different," LaPointe mutters.

"This is not a gay thing," Troy objects. "This is a Rozanov and Hollander thing."

[justalittlechocolatemilkshake]

Troy being like - I locked down Harris in a matter of months. We are NOT the same.

[penandinkprincess]

blessed with the divine vision that bb shane was a fucking STICKLER for equal application of rules when he was an itty bitty. he'll accept the rules just fine, but they will now be HOUSEHOLD rules.

and most of the time it's fine. shane's bedtime is 7:30 pm because he is so itty bitty, but yuna and david have always just gone to their room after that so bb just assumed they were also following The Time To Sleep rules.

which is all well and good until nana is visiting while staying with her sister, it's 7:40 pm, and she is just cooing and delighted at bb shane just repeating "night NIGHT" over and over from the doorway to the living room because she is not understanding that this is not him being cute and saying goodnight.

this is attempted enforcement of the rules because nana, it is time for NIGHT NIGHT and you are clearly NOT ready for night night, and to TOP IT ALL OFF!! YOU ARE KEEPING MAMA AND DADDY FROM NIGHT NIGHT. RULES!! BROKEN!! RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS LITTLE BABY FACE. >:(

[junkdrawertales]

and he’s wearing Snoopy footie pajamas….babyyyyyy

[toasted-rivalry]

Ilya and Shane, but it’s just them seeing each other as a version of their husband no one else understands them seeing.

To Ilya, Shane is the funniest, sexiest, bitchiest and downright FREAKIEST person he knows. He tells everyone he knows this, yet for some reason no one seems to believe him. His husband is such an asshole, and Ilya loves him for it.

While to Shane, Ilya is his soft and most precious baby. A heart of gold and with feelings so wide and deep he is breathless at just how much he CARES. Sunshine itself. Shane laughs at how people describe his ‘scary, no-smiling Slavic nightmare of a husband.’ See Ilya! He DOES get sarcasm (he does not.)

[themoonandmyman]

Thinking about Shane learning the Russian words for ‘my little bear’ because Ilya’s so large and imposing but so soft and his hair is so fluffy- but he also delights in knowing he can use it on Ilya to needle at him and sweetly annoy him. He can imagine Ilya’s faux-irritated brow crease, followed by wrestling Shane into the couch to prove he’s no little bear- he’s a grizzly bear who’s going to eat Shane for breakfast…

So he works to get the pronunciation down, and finally springs it on him one day when Ilya’s just come in from the lake, hair air dried and floofy and he’s all open limbs and soft edges.

The moment the words fill the space, Ilya goes silent, and tears start to fall. Shane panics, and closes the gap between them to hold his husband close with a crushing grip.

‘What’s wrong? Did I not do it right? Did I say something bad?’

Ilya stays quiet for a moment, trying to control the inevitable break in his voice when he speaks. When it comes out, it’s wet, and wounded, like blood seeping out the mouth of an injured animal.

‘No, no. It’s ok- my mama, she-’ another small sob. ‘She used to call me that. I have not heard it in a very long time.’

Shane knows he doesn’t need to reply, or to fill the following lull.

He just needs to stand there. Solid and unyielding.

Arms a vice around Ilya’s torso, large hands stroking down the damp skin of his back. Soothing kisses pressed like a comforting brand to his temple, his cheeks, his eyes. Urging the tears to flow because they need to. Loving his man exactly how he needs to be loved.

[cliff-marleaus-left-toe]

I have this headcanon where in an alternative universe Ilya had a moment of insight at the beginning of their hookups so when The Raiders asked where he was going instead of saying he was gonna see Montreal Jane he was like 'I am gonna see my close personal friend Shane Hollander we are gonna eat takeout and play videogames in his house he is my best friend actually.' And the Raiders were like, 'Yeah, right.' But he kept the bit, and every time they were in Montreal, he told the Raiders he was meeting Shane, and the rivalry was just league PR bullshit. They never truly believed him, but it didn't really matter at the time. And When they were eventually at the cottage and Shane told Ilya his plan Ilya was like 'Do not be mad but I have been telling Raiders you are my best friend and every time we play monteral I come to see you to play videogames and eat takeout for years and they never belived me so there is still plusably denibility but if you wanna launch a friendship we dont have to wait or built up I already laid the groundwork.' And Shane is in his head like 'I am gonna marry this man.' So they announce the charity the same summer and the raiders are like 'well shit he was telling the truth.' And since Ilya did lay the groundwork, when the media asks them about Ilya and Shane's 'have been friends the whole time' narrative, the Raiders are like, 'Yeah, he told us they were friends; we just didn't believe him.' Which makes the public opinion on their friendship largely positive but doesn't really change the overall timeline all that much just gives them some room to be publicly affectionate and kind of takes the heat off the fanmail gate bc instead of the public thinking it was an enemies-to-lovers hot sex in hotel rooms 9-year situationship with messy breakups and hookups in between they think it was a slow-burn friends-to-lovers situation filled with yearning and Queer self discovery which is more palatable to the public.

[ceruleanheaven]

religion is so fucking funny the world is just too beautiful there must be a higher entity behind all this. lets oppress women

[xoxogossipzoe]

how it feels to watch max verstappen stunt on them hoes with his bright blue tractor

[academicblorbo]

Everyone: omg Hollander leash your dog, Ilya is barking at opponent hockey players again

Shane Enabler Hollander: ok so Ilyusha this player has had zero assists in the entire season, he got drafted last, and finally - and this is crucial - he once scored a goal in his own team's net

Ilya Heart Eyes Rozanov: thank you my ShaneWiki this is valuable data, off I go

[snowsmoked]

One thing I've been thinking about recently is that the Metros were holding Shane back. The Admirals holding Hunter back makes sense, in an oh shit he's going to kill this kid way. But the Metros holding Shane back? Shane who never fights? Shane who is a known peacemaker? Maybe the argument can be made they wanted to protect him from getting hurt/getting fined but, Shane is their captain, if he wants to fight, a fight there shall be.

Unless.

You consider that the Metros know that Shane absolutely does know how to fight. They've all done checking clinics with Shane. They've all wrestled and roughhoused with Shane. He's strong and he's fast and he wants to win.

The Metros understand that Shane doesn't fight, not because he can't, but because he's a little too good at it. And Shane generally doesn't even like violence. He likes to win by playing the game, not hurting the other team.

So when they see Shane, after the whistle, drop his gloves to Scott Hunter, there is a collective thought of oh shit he's going to kill Hunter and they have approximately 1.5 seconds to grab their captain and prevent him from getting arrested.

[thoughtsthinksandthings]

Headcanon that baby Shane has a slight accent when speaking English, and it's for a super unexpected reason.

A few weeks post-partum, Yuna decided that their son should be bilingual. Yuna speaks to Shane in Japanese, and David speaks to him in French. Baby Shane catches on extremely quickly.

It isn’t until baby Shane is enrolled in daycare that the staff notices he has a hard time following directions and making friends.

Yuna and David find it hard to believe. At home, baby Shane is speaking two languages and actively translating between French and Japanese. It’s not until a few weeks later that Yuna comes to the realization.

“David,” she calls from the kitchen after hearing David read Shane a book in French. “Did we ever formally teach this kid English?”

And David is sitting there stunned, because no, no, they did not. Sure, David and Yuna spoke to each other in English, and to their friends and family in English when they visited the house, but they never spoke to Shane in English.

They enroll Shane in an English as a Second Language class (which really should be called English as a third language, in this case). Shane eventually catches up and becomes somewhat fluent in English, but he has this slight hybrid Euro-Asian accent when he speaks it.

[waldemarstr]

Have we considered that between Ilya Slavanov and Mr. Autism 3000 this is probably how they look to the outside world even when they're as happy as can be 😭

[gaynehollander]

If there's one thing Shane is surprisingly knowledgable on it's beef in the rap and hip hop world because Ilya is Invested and takes Hard Sides and will just constantly bring it up at home.

Shane ends up being the one to explain the Drake vs. Kendrick feud to Hayden (who came into it cold when Not Like Us got huge). JJ started explaining it to him but, honestly, he was doing a bad job at it and Shane has heard Ilya rant about this for months now, every time there was a new development, so he takes over and Hayden and JJ both just stare at him in blank shock.

The veterans on the Centaurs ask Shane to explain the Cardi B trial because Ilya got too worked up over it and started speaking Russian when they asked him.

They watched the entire four-part documentary on Diddy that 50 Cent produced and Shane now gleefully tells people that 50 did an in-depth interview on ABC, specifically because that's one of the few channels shown in prisons (yes, Ilya made him watch the interview and cackled beside him the entire time).

During them watching that series, Shane asked Ilya "who's that?" when Biggie Smalls came up on screen for the first time. Shocked and appalled, Ilya played Shane Biggie and Tupac's entire catalogues and showed him several video essays covering the East Coast–West Coast hip hop rivalry.

After that, "I've been in this game for years, it made me an animal It's rules to this shit, I wrote me a manual" from the Ten Crack Commandments becomes almost a stim line for Shane, he'll be saying it under his breath in the locker room, on the ice, or even while cooking dinner.

[stabthroughme]

Hollanov freak4freak in the Cens locker room:

When Lisa has a bad shift at work and suddenly has Wyatt planning how he wants to be buried/his funeral and Shane and Ilya both decide when they die (at the same time) they will be sharing a coffin. Or even better going full Classics mode and mixing their ashes together. They declare this out loud then return to stick taping.

Shane calling Lisa to ask if they (doctors) would do elective surgery to transplant their bones into each other on speaker phone. Ilya is beaming.

Shane watching Ilya tape his stick. Ilya who only developed his “way” of taping his stick post 2017 All Stars when he saw how Shane did it. They match. Shane acts like Ilya is performing a strip tease.

Ilya hearing Shane talk to the new Russian rookie in Russian, talking abt how if he ever needs anything to call Shane and/or Ilya. He knows how isolating it can be etc etc. Ilya finds it sweet but is irrationally possessive about Shane speaking Russian to anyone else ever.

Ofc they’re compatible blood types and at some point Shane discovers some new “health spa” thing that does private blood transfusions. He books an appointment for him and Ilya. On full volume on his headphones in the middle of the gym. The Ducklings (younger players) are now convinced Shane and Ilya are vampires. When they try to bring it up to anyone else Bood asks Ilya and Ilya beams and goes “we switched blood”. The same voice and tone as “we got Anya a little sister” after a long weekend where they acquired a kitten.

[thisfeebleheart]

"When Shane says "Ilya" back, he's flooded with relief and happiness."

[penny-anna]

Something I think ppl who aren't used to it struggle with when it comes to ancient history is that frequently 'we do not and cannot know this' is the only truthful response a historian can give. People severely overestimate how much we actually know about Ancient Rome.

I remember talking to someone at a party once about the debate over Septimius Severus's ethnicity (whole other can of worms) and they asked if genetic testing of his remains was not a way to settle it and I was like oh. Oh okay you are under the impression we have the physical remains of Roman emperors from the second century AD alright then. (We. Do not.)

[penny-anna]

Can't stress how much of high level study of Ancient History is devoted to trying to make sense of what actually factually happened. When I was at university (10+ years ago now) the discipline was embroiled in the lengthy and ongoing process of trying to unpack not just the biases in ancient sources but the centuries & centuries of biases within the field itself. I don't imagine this process is ever going to Stop. It's not uncommon for historical accounts to be so garbled & contradictory that it's not possible to reconstruct the real events behind them.

Once in an introductory lecture one of my professors was talking about this problem and articulated it very simply as 'we know real things happened between real people, but we aren't sure what they were'. Sums it up really!!

[lavenderprose]

Shane also needs to interact with other gay men just to understand how truly lucky he is. He needs to hear someone go off about going on Grindr to find a top for the night and then finding out that all of the guys who have the 'Hung' tag on their profile are packing like five and a half inches at MOST and then Shane has to be like "Oh that. Yeah that sounds rough." Meanwhile he lost his anal virginity to a knockout with model looks who works out for a living and started their relationship by jerking his enormous hog at him in a communal shower which has always been one of Shane's top five fantasies. And he's literally never had to be on The Apps because he's the bottom of all time actually and the DomTop with the enormous dick imprinted on him like a fucking duckling the first time Shane came untouched under him which was, I cannot stress this enough, when he LOST HIS VIRGINITY.

Like shut the fuck up Shane Hollander how does it feel to be the chosen one. He has to confront all of this because he needs to know that he has, once again, won at life in every meaningful way. And then he can sit there like :] while that sad bottom over there bemoans the Grindr biome.