#batfam crack

[wh1spic]

Dick: *Kicks the door down looking panicked* Bruce: What did you do? Dick: Nobody died. Bruce: WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?!

[idk-butimwriting]

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

Dick Grayson is a hypocrite and Damian Wayne is confused

[on-the-clear-blue]

Ten years ago, at a Parent Teacher Meeting.

Teacher: Jason is such a great student Mr Wayne, a genuine joy to have around and always so helpful...though there has been some...concerning habits that I wanted to bring up.

Bruce, looking over at Jason who is reading a book and looks to not be paying attention: Oh? My Jaylad? What could he be doing?

Teacher, smiling tightly: Well Mr Wayne its just...there has been some concerns from other teachers...you see, Jason is a straight A Student, and...has shown to have a deep understanding of mob tactics and criminal actions...as well as being a bit of a loner and tends to look down on others at times...im sure you know what im getting at?

Bruce, actually frowning and almost dropping right out of Brucie mode: I dont actually. Jason might know the ins and outs of gang culture simply by his past, and how can being a loner be a bad thing? I myself was more secluded as a child and I turned out fine.

Teacher, almost audibly cringing: Well...Mr Wanye its just...we fear that if Jason was to graduate collage the likely hood of him becoming a Rogue is so high that its almost a sure fact.

Bruce, standing up in and instant, looking and actually pissed: What nerve! My Jaylad would never be something like....like that! Come on son we are leaving! I will have your job sir!

Jason, looking up from his book as he stands, only to smirk at the teacher and run a finger across his throat: I told ya it wouldnt work bitch.

---

Presant day, Jason fully revealed to be the Red Hood, known killer, crime lord and head Don of Gothams local mafia.

Bruce, looking down at Jason as he applys pressure to a new bullet hole his sons gave him: Shit your teacher was right about you Jay.

Jason, still suffering from the evil lime jello: The fuck you say to me?

Bruce, slowly bleeding out: Totally shouldn't have said you could...go to college...s-should have sent you to...to a tech school...god just working towards a PHD made you Evil...

Jason, blinking under his helmet because he actually did go to an online college while at the LoA: I actually got one in English.

Bruce, openly weeping: No...No not my Son...Not my Jaylad...my boy youre...you are more than...than that PHD...c-come back...h-home... (passes out)

Tim, who had just been standing on the side lines: Yeah time to head home B, good job on getting that PHD Hood, honestly this isnt that bad of a reaction, should have seen the fit he threw when Nightwing told him he passed the bar exam.

Jason, humming: Goods for Nights, God knows its easier to deal with Two-Face when you know the lawyer lingo.

Tim, dragging Bruce off the side of the roof and then wiping his hands on his shirt: Yeah...Can't wait to tell him that I double majored in Business and accounting while he was lost in the time stream...

Jason, patting Tim on the shoulder and actually smiling at him for the first time: Tell me when you do because I wouldnt miss it for the world dude...maybe we can hang out a bit Replacement...you arnt so bad.

Tim, smiling back at Jason, ignoring the groans of pain from Bruce in the alley below: Yeah I would actually really like that! Maybe I could help you with your gangs taxes, god knows how many good crime syndicates get wiped out by the IRS, those bastards get them faster then we do!.

Jason, laughing: Yeah that would be helpful...shit I just remembered...

Tim raising an eyebrow: What? Forgot to file? I can help with that you-

Interrupting Tim, Jason held out a hand: No no...Bruce doesn't know about Damian yet...oh god he is going to lose it when he finds out...that little brat wants to be a doctor...if PHDs are evil then Doctorates are the devil...

[on-the-clear-blue]

Fourty year old Bruce, has been Batman for 20+ years and gone through it all: Really?

20 something, Absolute!Bruce kicking the dirt with his work boots: Jerk deserved it.

Jason, laying on the ground clutching his kidneys: W-when I can stand again...I-im going to...to shoot you in the balls...

OG!Bruce, rubbing the bridge of his nose: Jason why do you feel an increasingly growing need to antagonize each and every form of me? This one hasn't even been in this universe for more than ten minutes...you zeroed in on him like a homing missile...

Jason, slowly rolling onto his side to glare up at both Batmen: I smelt bitch ass poser and I tried to beat bitch ass poser's as-for-mentioned ass...at first it saw him as a threat since he is bigger than Bane and twice as thick...then I saw he looked like you and well...Babybat had a lot of fun trying to kill Timtam when he first arrived and thought I should get the jump on attempted murder on your new bastard...really B you need the Bats and the Cats talk again with how many kids you got...

Absolute!Bruce, giving Og!Bruce the side eye: Is...attempted murder...common between you guys??

Jason, speaking before Og!Bruce is able to: Yes, 100%. Its a tradition between Robins.

Og!Bruce, letting out the longest Dad sigh ever: I should have left you on the street where i found you.

Jason, coughing up a little blood from the kidney damage: But'cha didnt... fuck I need hobstable....

Og!Bruce looking at Absolute!Bruce, who shrugs: Bitch deserved it.

[kyraliah]

Batfam hotline

As it so happens, Gordon has enough about having to put aside a few of his officers to man the phones for all the calls that want to complain about something "these Vigilantes did" and he guilted Batman into doing it "for Christmas" under the pretense that they should hear all the praise themselves for once.

And Bruce, being the dad he is, obviously wants to share that with the fam and invites (orders or drags) the rest into it. They quickly realize they have been scammed, but since it had been announced as "Talk to Gothams bats!" they can't gracefully beg out. Not even hoping for some major outbreak does help, because even the rogues want to call and are too busy waiting in the holding lines for their turn.

A few bits and pieces how that night goes.

Tim: Red Robin speaking!

Caller: Do you know what it means for me that you assholes took out the weedfarm under my apartment?!

Tim: Uhm..

Caller: Not only did I lose sleep because you idiots had to fight so hard that you did throw equipment around loud enough to wake the dead but now I have to pay enormous amounts of money for my heating bill!

Tim: I am sorry you lost some sleep but..

Caller: Tell that to my boss that reamed me out the next day over a mistake I made because I was too tired! Do you know what a boss is? Did you ever work a normal job? One you can get fired from?!

Tim: Isn't that worth for taking all that weed from getting to..

Caller: DO I SOUND LIKE I CARE ABOUT SOME WEED IN GOTHAM?! ARE YOU PAYING MY HEATING BILL NOW?!

Tim presses a button.

Tim: Ups. The call got disconected. Such a shame.

Damian: *holding the headset away from his ear* This one doesn't stop talking about her uncle, who was 'a hire' for Penguin and is now in hospital and how we are supposed to pay for it and that she will sue us for overextended violence against peaceful money laundering.

Dick: *walks over with a confused look* All I hear is that my suit is too distracting and that this guys sister had been found at fault for an accident that she apparently caused because she looked too long at me swinging by.

Jason: *walking back over, coming from the toilets, with something that can only be called happy swinging steps* Told ya, its all your ass' fault.

Dick: Shut up! It's not my fault if they cant look at a perfectly fine street.

Jason: Sure, sure. Everyone would look at the perfectly fine street instead of the perfectly fine ass.

Tim:

Dick:

Damian: I'll kill you, Todd!

Bruce: Get back to work.

Jason to Tim: When did he get here?

Tim: He was here from the beginning. I think he is still on his first call.

They all look over and in the silence they can hear screaming from Bruces headset: WHO TOLD YOU WE NEED A FURRY TO KEEP US SAFE?! I KEPT MY CHILDREN SAFE SINCE 1994 WITHOUT ..

Dick: Yepp. Going back to being blamed for car accidents.

Jason: *hums*

Damian: *watches scepticly as Jason sits down and takes the next call* That is suspicious

Dick: *distracted by the light indicating the next caller in line* What is?

Tim: *also watching the now grinning Jason* Everything about this

Dick: *finally glances over* .. huh

Jason: *throws them the middlefinger* Red Hood speaking! If you want to rant about Batman and his many, many faults please press 1. If you want to.. Oh, you already pressed. I see another great time in my near future. What did he do to you? *Listening and nodding along* Yes! He really does that! Can you believe the nerve?! *more nodding* I am absolutely on your side! Can't even rob a rich asshole anymore, right? Why would anyone need five pearl necklaces? What? *shocked face and voice* A broken leg?! How dare he?!

Tim:

Dick:

Damian:

Bruce: Someone get Hood away from the phone.

Dick: Come on, at least he is here. Its a bonding experience!

Jason: Would you like a Christmas video compilation with Batman stumbling over his own cape as a little compensation? I will throw in one with Red Robin falling on his face too. In name of the Christmas spirit and all that shit.

Damian: *turns to Dick and opens his mouth*

Dick: No

Damian: *turns to Bruce*

Bruce: No

Damian: *Turns halfway to Tim before deciding against it*

Tim: Fuck you, Jason.

Jason: *muting call* This is the best Christmas ever. I get to listen to all of Batmans faults for hours and no one tells me I am overreacting when I join in. We should do this every year.

Bruce: Barbara, cut the electricity to the building.

Babs: Sorry, very busy listening to Harley complaining about not seeing Ivy often enough.

[laurenpiplupfluff2]

Regular Dick: Nightwing

Sad Dick: Contritewing

Hungry Dick: Appetitewing

Dick when it's just meh: Alrightwing

Dick when he's mad: Fightwing

Dick when he's sick: Blightwing

Dick when he's in trouble: Plightwing

College! Dick: Brightwing

Dick at a gala: Politewing

[kbirbpods]

Podfic (1 minute, 20 seconds) + Text (100 words)

written by Yuurei and read by kbirb

DC: Jason & Bruce | Rating: General Audiences

Summary: 

title from a 2022 tweet by @hotghouldiaries

Notes: I had to make sure to crosspost this one because whenever Yuurei writes crack it brings me so much joy

Discord, 10/31/2025, 1:06 PM: Yuurei: Pspsps here @kaje | kbirb there's a free Halloween drabble 😂

[filmcamerasanddice]

More silly BatFam/BatBoy posts I adore

batfam groupchat at 3:17am by @jjooniiberriies - "Silence, Cat Fodder."

Jason gets an invite to grandma's book club by @spoookyraccoon - "What the hell just happened?"

No Nut November by @queen-of-gotham - “celibacy is celibacy, even if unintentional”

Cute Underwear by @clemmmmmmmmmmmmmm - “I’m trying really hard to be respectful. But those cats are testing me.”