Normal Horoscope:
Aries: The stars say to indulge in a little “me“ time. This is non-negotiable and will be enforced by armed aircraft.
Taurus: The sun is more evil today. You might not have noticed because you were too busy “having fun“ or “sleeping“
Gemini: Today you will receive an email you will never read, it contains an exact hand-drawn diagram of the ancient stone coliseum underneath your home.
Cancer: Modesty is for people who don’t understand how fucking baller they are.
Leo: You wanna get your way today? Be sure to charge up your beam attack before entering any sticky conversations.
Virgo: The universe has a gift for you today! It is a ceramic deer! It is cursed! Your eyes will fall out! The universe is bad at gifts sometimes.
Libra: Feed your mind by pouring gatorade into your ears while reading foucalt and screaming.
Scorpio: Flexibility with friends does not necessarily extend to family. You chose to hang out with one of them.
Ophiuchus: Your social circle will begin to rotate at such incredible speeds that it will begin to lift off and fly away.
Sagittarius: Are you exerting influence? Are you involved in situations? Do you pertain to events? You might be experiencing symptoms of existence. Talk to your doctor about existence today.
Capricorn: Why not do something ludicrously stupid today? Just do something absolutely blockheaded and idiotic. The stars say it will be fun.
Aquarius: Your feelings of pressure can be relieved by placing a large block of concrete covered in runes atop the lid of your coffin.
Pisces: Whoops! You’ve forgotten your destiny! Now you get to take naps and eat chips for the rest of time!
