I am just a fucking bundle of joy these days
I made my dream happen. I was succeeding. I was making progress. I had everything going great in my life. I was setting new achievements and trying to get past some really toxic shit in my life and then everything spiraled out of control.
I knew making such a big change in my life was going to be tough but I had thought I had built such a good support system that I could do it no problem.
I have always had difficulties with meeting people and making friends. So do most people, but it is for sure much much more difficult in a different country where you don’t speak the language and even more so when you are working full time and strange hours in a business where people are all so different and already in their little cliques that is difficult to get in with them.
The few people I tried to make friends with ended up not really interested in me as a person it seemed. I kept putting myself in this little box and victimizing myself and it was getting worse and worse as I tried to force myself to meet people. It just was not coming naturally and i just kept getting rejected. I went on random meetups with random people and acted just like normal. We laughed, we shared drinks, but then I never heard from them again. In my anxiety and depression and desperation for something I kept asking them when we would hang out again.
And then I sunk down this information rabbit hole of politics and philosophy and started psycho-analyzing everything as a coping mechanism. I put myself on a pedestal of superiority as a result. I thought that I was above them.
I tried to channel the depression and anxiety into something. But nothing was working. I started buying more and more useless crap. I was doing random exercises. I was not eating for days at a time. I was talking constantly to whoever would be an ear.
I think part of the reason is this job. I’m just talking to people. Its not exactly engaging. It does not really tire me out. If anything it makes me even more anxious because I am constantly being watched by people and when I make a mistake no one tells me and instead reports me and then I hear about the mistake months later.
Or for example with what happened in my first month, they tell me the person I am about to go and talk to complained about me so I am sitting there shaking none stop and trying to get through the 40 mins.
Furthermore, this job has no been giving me an ounce of stability. I have not been place at one location at all. I have been travelling everywhere constantly 5 days a week and usually last minute I have to up and change the direction I’m going and for someone like me who has had it brainwashed into her mind about being a stickler for punctuality I get genuinely angry at the people telling me what to do and angry at co-workers for calling in sick and forcing me to go and cover for them.
To top it off I almost lost this job.
Someone did not like me. Remembered me from the first time I was there and had made a note of all the little things I did wrong that bothered him. He had a lot of sway in the company so I had to go in for a meeting and discuss the prospect that I would lose my job. I cried for 2 hours alone in a room and kept saying over and over to myself how much I just wanted to hug my cat. I did not want to leave the room because I was afraid about how my coworkers would look at me with the makeup running down my face and I was so concerned with crying on the train the whole way home.
I was told there was only a 10% chance I would have my job in 3 months and I had to start looking for something new or leave the country. I had just started paying back my students loans. My stress was at an all time high.
However, this still was not the breaking point for me.
I immediately went home and started applying.
Then within a week I went in for a second meeting.
They confirmed to signing me for another year, but I would have to go in for a different type of training, and I would remain on-call/sub duty. As much as I hated that job and being constantly unable to settle I was fine with that.
I started to relax a little.
I told my long distance boyfriend what had happened. Not every detail. I told him everything was okay and then I still had my job.
He was not very supportive during this interaction.
He sort of said that this problem happened of my own volition. I took no heed to that. Brushed it off as just brutal honesty. He was right about things in the past. It is nice for the perspective and I still had my job.
However, I used this opportunity to truly try to put him in a corner about our relationship. I almost saw my dreams die, and I wanted to know how he truly felt about this relationship. If he was honestly supporting me or not.
This was not the only time I asked but this time it was more direct, maybe.
But for the majority of the 9 months I have been here we skyped once, and after that we almost broke up. We got back together because I thought I truly convinced him that a long distance relationship was worth it, that I was worth something and for months I was trying to show that I was. And he would constantly validate me.
But this time when I saw it all about to fall away and how apathetic he was to a serious problem I had, I couldn’t handle it this time. I could not understand how someone who says he cares about me could just not care in a situation like this, I could not understand how someone can switch from saying something cute and nice one week and then horrible the next. With my heart absolutely racing I posted the question.
He took all day to answer it.
And then decided he was done.
He said very simply that the relationship we had was not realistic or logical and he was sick of being stuck in it. He had just not said anything because he feared my reaction being similar to the reaction I had in months prior.
I understood that he was done. I knew for months he was not committing to me.
That was it for me. I lost it at that moment.
Months of stress. Months of anxiety came out. I couldn’t breathe all night.
He did not try to make me feel better.
He made it all about himself.
His feelings were the only things that mattered.
He was out with friends and family while I was stuck in an apartment I was building up for him. I wanted a future with him as that is what I said to him in August and what he agreed upon when entering back into the relationship with me. - I was actually in the process of looking at apartments at that exact time so when he said yes I looked at places that would suit him and I-.
We did not date that long before going separate ways, but the relationship started with me saying how I planned on going to a different country, and he was not from Canada to begin with. So long distance was always going to be a factor. Maybe he is just an opportunist and looks for something convenient and I just was not that anymore.
I was hesitant through most of the relationship and constantly told myself I should break up with him because he did not seem to be at the right level of maturity for me.
But I think of the future of a relationship. Not the present.
I do not think of the problems now but of solving them in the future. And he was showing signs of changing and getting better.
He just was not in a good place right now, and so I stuck by him because who was I too judge. I had been there too and I desperately needed someone, and here he was needing someone.
This seems silly because it really was not that long that we dated, and I did not really know him.
But everything he was, and everything I saw he could be was what I wanted. I was very hesitant at first and I went in cautiously, gave his affection a wide birth and did not lead things on too much.
I can honestly admit though his presence in my life really made my convictions of leaving my country and coming here more absolute. I believed in doing so could make the relationship really flourish. I believed that if he saw me as a successful beautiful girl who could love and provide and guarantee a happy and supportive future then why wouldn’t he want me. I stopped aiming for my goals for myself and only for him.
People kept asking me why it was that I came to this country. Why I chose it. And I forgot the reason entirely why I wanted to. For the last year it has been for him. During my initial interview, I mentioned that he was the reason I was doing it.
My mother was diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder when I was in university after a traumatic event at work. I have had unstable mood swings for the majority of my childhood that would leave me on the floor screaming and drooling and crying until I passed out. I was a victim of sexual abused when I was 6 years old caused by my 16 year old baby sitter which made me terrified of interacting with the opposite sex. My father has never contacted me and I have only ever seen him under extreme circumstances of my mother not being able to “handle me” anymore. When I was young my mother almost tried to kill me by placing her hands over my mouth and screaming over and over about how she wishes I was dead. The cops had come to my house many times. I had been kicked out with no shoes left to wander the streets in socks, and when i turned up at my friends house to ask for help I was too scared to ring the doorbell because I did not want to have to wake anyone up.
I ended up moving out in my second year of university and have been living on my own for years.
My best friend who knew everything about me, who defended me to my mother many times and tried to seek help for me stopped talking to me for her own selfish reasons. She just could not look past silly little opinions I had and decided I was not worth it. I saw that coming a while ago, It hurt a lot though.
The fact that I show symptoms of BPD bothers me because I am one of those people with a stigma against mental illness. I do believe that people for the most part dramatize it and just need to get past things.
And so when my boyfriend broke up with me I tried to leave. I tried to break it off and part ways. I took the day after the break up off because I could not sleep all night and my breathing and heart rate was completely erratic.
I wrote messages over and over to myself of things I wanted to say to him but knew I shouldn’t.
After 2 weeks I finally said something in an attempt to reconcile with him. Maybe be able to become friends with him again one day after I truly let go.
But again he was not talking to me. He said nothing.
But he never blocked me. He never cut me off. Never stopped following me on anything and kept leaving the door open and I never understood why that was. i thought it was his way of showing he cared for me. That was the same thing he did in August. He let me just rant endlessly and never blocked me and instead just listened.
I thought he was just mad of constantly having to validate me. That in time he would message me back and apologize. That he just needed a break from my overbearing attention deprived self.
Then, less than a month after the break up he went public with a relationship with a girl who was the complete opposite of me. His facebook and her facebook were full of posts of them. Of them having matching shoes. Of her posting little inspirational relationship meme like content.
He knew I would be watching. Maybe he didn’t. Paranoia again.
I lost it and ranted at him.
I kept saying I was fine with the relationship I just wanted him to properly say something nice because I couldn’t handle this level of rejection. It was too much. I got a baseless meaningless apology followed by rude comments about how annoying I was, how he was sick of having to deal with me, and how he was so much happier without having to deal with me.
And he said that stupid “its not logical or rational” thing again.
Here is some logic for you buddy.
You only feel happier because you have someone who is validating you right now. You made someone feel like shit but you feel no guilt for that because you have some generic chick to give you some sort of social status in your little group of friends.
You are depraved of the psychical attention that being in a relationship with someone gives you, you are needy, you are hormonal, you are selfish. Someone convenient and willing is around and you take advantage of it. You are overcompensating through the pictures, through the gifts, through the sudden publication of a relationship which was something you deprived me the pleasure of having when i finally got the courage to ask.
Your relationship is not a relationship. It is a sponsorship.
A relationship is about emotion. About the silence. About what you say in private and not how you display it to the public. It is about a future in which you can see yourself with the person. It is not about the present in which you see hardships and difficulties, but rather how you deal with them and evolve your relationship.
I said this back in August and you were on board.
Maybe you were on board and something changed.
Maybe someone manipulated you and you are just that weak minded to hold up to your convictions and instead you feel the need to crush someone elses’. Because that is what you did. You killed my confidence and my ego. You made me think for months that I was worth nothing to no one. And to top it off I had to dream about this incident happening for months and when I woke up and tried to talk to you about it you did not listen to me. Every time I asked you about our relationship and whether it was okay or not, it was because I had a nightmare about you breaking my heart.
After the breakup the dreams have not stopped and I elected for the first few days to just not sleep.
I don’t know what sort-of problems he was having with this relationship. He never spoke. I hazard to guess family pressure or social pressure. He said the breakup was not about him not caring.
I have joked about most of my problems in the past. I stated before I do not like victimizing myself. I do not like using these past experiences as a hindrance to my life. This incident has driven me to seek help. I have become exceedingly sensitive to whatever people say to me.
One of my coworkers told me how beautiful I looked on a particular day and asked me if it was because I was going to see my boyfriend.
I almost cried and just muttered a quiet no.
I take any form of rejection, a simple “hey i can’t hang out today because of x” as a firm belief that they hate me.
I have been trying to put my anger and stress into various other things but my attention span will not hold. I’m taking sedatives to sleep at night. I am not drinking caffeine because I am doing whatever it takes to calm my heart and this is making me horrible at work. I’ll get through it though. I have had to endure worse.
I do honestly wish that one day I can talk to him again, see if his dreams come true. I do think he is a nice person and I gave him my blessing with his relationship. I just believe that he is not mature and he lacks empathy, and his “nice” only extends so far.
So, with that my post is done.
This is not a suicide note or anything. I’m not that pathetic.
I just want this all vented out. Everything. I’ll get past it eventually.
I’ll be talking to a psychiatrist/therapist soon and hopefully get something to get that serotonin up. Once I get the courage to respond to their emails.
