.ยทยดยฏ`ยท.ยทโ
๐ซ๐ฌ๐จ๐ต ๐พ๐ฐ๐ต๐ช๐ฏ๐ฌ๐บ๐ป๐ฌ๐น - ๐ป๐ฏ๐ฌ ๐ณ๐ถ๐ฝ๐ฌ ๐ฏ๐ฌ ๐ต๐ฌ๐ฝ๐ฌ๐น ๐ต๐ถ๐ป๐ฐ๐ช๐ฌ๐ซ โ
ยท.ยท`ยฏยดยท. (part 4)
authors note : part 4 is hereee !! the start of dean groveling has begun!! part 5 released tomorrow ! (part 1, part 2, part 3)
the first few weeks after dean finally said the words out loud are almost unbearable.
that probably would've been easier though.
if dean had gotten angry or defensive or selfish about it, maybe your heart would've known what to do. maybe you could've slammed the door in his face and walked away from it all with clean hands.
but dean becomes softer instead.
and somehow that ruins you more.
now he sees every moment he missed. every look he misunderstood. every time you stood beside him loving him quietly while he stumbled through every possible wrong choice like he had all the time in the world.
now he notices the way you rub your wrist when you're anxious. the way your voice gets quieter when you're upset. the way you stop eating when a hunt goes bad. he notices it all with this awful aching attentiveness, like he's trying to make up for years of not seeing you clearly enough.
he realizes it right as you stop looking at him like that.
distant in a way that hurts more than yelling ever could.
you still go on hunts together. still sit in the bunker library. still ride in the impala.
because where was this version of dean when you were sitting alone in motel bathrooms crying over him? where was this version of him when he stumbled back from bars smelling like someone else's perfume when you laid awake convincing yourself not to be jealous because dean never actually promised you anything?
thats the part that keeps eating at you.
dean never lied. never led you on intentionally.
before, loving dean felt like standing in front of a locked door hoping someday he'd let you in.
and somehow that feels worse.
because now he's the one standing outside.
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the bunker changes after the confession.
everything still looks the same. same flickering lights. same endless hallways. same smell of coffee and old books drifting through the library.
but now there's tension threaded through every room.
every glance feels loaded.
every accidental brush of deans hand against yours feels catastrophic.
you start avoiding being alone with him.
just subtly enough that only someone who really knew you would notice.
unfortunately, dean knows you better than almost anyone.
the first time he catches on, it physically hurts to watch.
you're sitting in the library researching lore when dean walks in carrying two cups of coffee.
his face brightens immediately when he sees you.
that alone nearly destroys you.
because dean looks happy just seeing you now.
like loving you has rearranged something fundamental inside him.
"i made yours the way you like it," he says softly.
your chest tightens at the stupid amount of care in his voice.
dean sets the mug down beside you carefully, fingers lingering against the ceramic like he wants an excuse to stay close.
for a moment neither of you says anything.
"i actually just remembered sam needed help downstairs." the lie falling from your mouth is pathetic.
you see the realization hit him in real time.
the slight drop in his shoulders.
the way his expression flickers before he covers it up.
you hate yourself immediately.
because staying feels more dangerous.
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later that night you hear voices drifting from the kitchen.
you only catch the end of it.
"โshe won't even look at me anymore," dean mutters.
there's exhaustion in his voice you've never heard before.
"no, seriously, man." dean laughs weakly. "i finally, finally, figure it out and now every time i walk into a room she looks like she wants to run."
your throat tightens painfully as you continue to listen.
"you hurt her," sam says gently.
then deans voice, quieter this time.
the devastation in those two words glues you to the hallway floor.
because dean sounds genuinely wrecked by it.
and somehow your heart is cruel enough that hearing him hurt still hurts you too.
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three months after the confession, dean stops sleeping around entirely.
you don't notice at first.
honestly, you try very hard not to notice anything about dean anymore because every tiny detail feels dangerous.
but then one night during a hunt, sam casually says, "you know dean turned down some bartenders number earlier."
dean immediately glares at him from across the motel room.
sam shrugs innocently, "what? it's true."
dean throws a balled up napkin at him.
you keep pretending to read lore even though your pulse is suddenly hammering in your ears.
"actually, now that i think about it, dean hasn't brought anyone home in months."
"what?" sam looks delighted now. "i just think it's interesting character development."
and your stupid horrible heart notices how real it feels.
because dean used to flirt with women like breathing. effortlessly. constant.
now he looks uncomfortable when waitresses flirt with him.
now his eyes search for you first in every room.
now he remembers every little thing you say like it matters.
the realization settles heavily in your chest.
the problem is that part of you is still standing in every past moment where he hadn't yet.
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the first time dean actually breaks down in front of you happens six months in.
it's after a hunt gone wrong in illinois.
a vampire throws you hard enough into a concrete wall that blacks you out for several terrifying seconds.
to dean...it might as well have been hours.
when you wake up, he's kneeling beside you.
not regular dean worried.
"hey, hey, hey," his hands are shaking when they cup your face. "look at me."
you blink slowly, disoriented.
deans breathing unevenly.
"there you are," he whispers.
something in his voice makes your chest ache immediately.
later, back at the motel, dean completely loses it.
"you scared the hell outta me."
you're sitting on the bathroom counter while he aggressively cleans blood off your forehead.
"no, you're not." his voice cracking.
that alone makes you freeze.
dean never lets his voice crack.
"i thought you died," he says quietly.
the confession hanging heavy between you.
your heart twisting violently. unforgiving.
dean stops cleaning the cut and suddenly leans forward, resting his forehead briefly against your knee like he physically can't hold himself up anymore.
and the sound he makesโ
"i can't lose you," he whispers.
because once upon a time you would've given him everything for that sentence.
your throat burns as you say, "you can't lose something you never had."
dean goes completely still.
the way the words cut into him.
slowly, he lifts his head.
"you really believe that?" he asks.
you chest aches so badly it's hard to breathe.
why do you keep getting yourself in these positions?
dean stares at you for a long moment.
then, painfully honestโ
"i think i had you for years," he says. tears sting your eyes immediately. "and i was just too stupid to realize how precious that was until i ruined it."
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after that, dean starts trying harder somehow.
dean isn't a grand gestures kind of man. he was never good at them.
instead it's consistency.
relentless, unwavering consistency.
he waits up for you after every hunt.
even when you tell him not to.
you'll walk into the bunker at two in the morning exhausted and covered in dirt and dean will already be there, sitting at the library table pretending to read.
the second he sees you, relief washes over his face so visibly it hurts.
like your safety has become the center of his entire world.
one night you finally snap a little.
"you don't have to keep doing this."
dean looks confused as he asks, "doing what?"
his expression softens instantly. "yes," he says quietly. "i do."
the sincerity in his voice nearly cracks your ribs open.
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around month eight. castiel corners you in the kitchen.
you laugh tiredly, "thanks, cas. i can always count on you to tell me the honest, brutal, truth."
"you are unhappy because dean loves you."
"that's sounds insane who you say it out loud, cas."
you stare down into your coffee.
"i wanted this for so long."
"and now i don't know what to do with it."
castiel is quiet for a moment.
"humans often believe timing determines love."
"but i have lived for millions of years." castiel's voice is calm. "and i believe love itself is rare enough that humans should not waste it when they find it."
because that's the problem, isn't it?
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by month ten dean looks exhausted all the time.
like loving you without knowing if you'll ever let him fully have you back is slowly killing him.
and that unwavering patience somehow hurts more than anything else.
one night you find him sitting alone beside the impala in the garage.
beer untouched beside him.
he looks up slowly and your heart immediately sinks because he looks devastated.
"i'm trying so hard," he says quietly.
the honesty of it lunches straight through your chest,
you sit beside him before you can think anything of it. before you can stop yourself.
"you know what the worst part is?"
you don't answer. you let him have this moment.
"i finally learned how to love somebody right," his voice cracking. "and i learned it too late for the only person i wanted to do it with."
tears immediately sting behind your eyes.
dean exhales shakily, "but i'll keep trying anyway."
your chest aches so badly it feels unbearable.
dean finally looks at you then.
eyes soft. wrecked. hopeful in the saddest way possible.
"i would wait forever if i had to."
and suddenly you realizeโ
the same way you once meant it.
the same hopeless, terrifying, unconditional way.
and sitting there beside him in the dim garage light. your heart starts asking the one question you've been afraid to answer for almost a year now.
what is this version of dean was worth risking everything for?
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dean stopped saying he thought he loved you.
because eventually he realized words weren't enough.
and every day he chose you.
without expecting anything back.
never asked when you'd be ready.
the same way you always had for him.
you started believing him.
not because of what he said.
but because of what he did.
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one night you both were sitting on the hood of the impala watching the stars.
dean glanced over and found you already looking at him.
his heart did the stupid thing is always did now.
"you still waiting for proof?" he asks
a smile tugged at your lips as you say, "a little."
you look down at your hands.
"you know what the difference is?"
"you don't say you think anymore."
the words came easily now. like saying them wasn't as impossible as he once made it seem.
"i know," your voice was barely above a whisper.
dean's heart nearly stopped.
"you proved it." a genuine smile graces your lips as you as that.
and for the first time since you'd walked away from him that night in the library...
dean finally believed he'd earned the chance to love you back.
authors note: pretty angels !! part 4 is doneeee. i'm so impressed with myself with this one. if you read my authors note on part 1 you'd know this story was based off a personal experience. an experience that didn't have a happy ending. an experience that didn't end with the words i so desperately wanted to hear. the grovel was there but like i said earlier...eventually you get tired of waiting. to write this part i went through a deep dive of old texts to my friends, old texts between the person this is based off, journal entries, you name it. it was rough and it hurt to dig that stuff up but i had to. i think that's the only reason why i was able to get so detailed with this. because it was already stuff i had written down. anyways enough about me! as always...like, comment, reblog, do whatever your heart desires just be nice about it! love you all <33
