Somehow I’ve apparently fooled people into thinking that I’m socially adept. When did this happen and how did I do that. I’m a painfully awkward person
I guess I’m relatively self-assured, but what people seem to see as a deliberate show of vulnerability / authenticity / sincerity is really just me in my default state. I don’t know how to properly mask my adhd / possible autism, or how to present myself in a way that appeals to others. All I ever do is show up as I am. Unfortunately, most people don’t really seem to vibe with how I am
As a kid, I wasn’t able to pretend to be someone else to make friends, and I’m still a lone wolf even as an adult. I’ve only ever been kept in the peripheries of social groups. They were all mostly kind to me, which I appreciate, but it was obvious that I wasn’t actually part of the group. I’ve made peace with it, I think. Although I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t hurt sometimes. The reality is that there are very few people who would even notice my absence if I suddenly disappeared. It often feels like I’m a placeholder or afterthought more than I’m a real person
Other people have said that I seem socially adept because I have a strong sense of my own worth. And sure, but what other option did I have? If I was going to survive, I had to figure out how to value and love myself. I didn’t have anyone else who would do it for me. That kind of self-reliance was a necessity, not a preference. Even though I’m happier now than I ever was in the past, I still often feel lonely. In my personal life, I pretty much only have my cat and my best friend, who knows me better than anyone else. Unfortunately, he’s international, so I only get to spend time with him in sparse fragments
This is probably why I so deeply cherish the few social connections I have, including tumblr mutuals who I’ve hardly even spoken with directly. Even if we aren’t particularly close, I know more about you and you know more about me than we would if we were just strangers. In some way, I can’t help but see that reciprocity as its own kind of friendship, if only because it’s developed past something entirely passive and one-sided. I mean, I know that following each other really isn’t really that serious in the first place, but still. For whatever reason I’m sentimental about it
Maybe it’s pathetic of me to be saying all this, but I’d rather be pathetic and honest than fake and ironically detached from the people I appreciate. We don’t do enough to say how much others mean to us while they’re still around. I know firsthand how much people really need to hear that they’re wanted
