I know you aren't an advice blog but I didn't know where else to go and I could really use some.
I'm trans, and I'm already properly medically transitioning (mostly hrt, it happened in increments and such). I discovered the church about two years ago, when I was already living openly as a trans woman. It spoke to me and I took the missionary lessons and read through the book of Mormon and quickly gained a testimony. My initial experience was actually a positive one, especially with the members who were mostly quite kind and loving. I became an every Sunday kind of gal, and I wanted to be baptized. I was told to wait three months and then get back to the mission president. I waited about four, then interviewed with him. He said he had no reservations in recommending me for baptism, and we'd wait to hear back from the first presidency.
They said they admired my progress and love for the lord, but wait a year and interview again and then ask again. So I waited, and I was patient and my testimony strengthened. Members were having me over for dinner, the stake president came to our ward and asked to meet me just so he could get to know me (and even said as a non white man he knew similar adversity early on in his journey with the church. He gave me a priesthood blessing and I left the room happy crying after we hugged), I even saw a few friends come into the church and get baptized. Several months later the policy changes occurred and suddenly I wasn't allowed to attend relief society without approval from the area president. Then once the year was up, I wasn't allowed to be interviewed because it would be 'against the standards of the church'. The members are all so kind and loving and the christlike presence really is there in the ward I've been in, as are the leaders, but my experience with the higher leadership of the church has been anything but. it feels sort of strange going to church every Sunday and passing along the sacrament without ever taking it, and then just sitting in the hall during second hour twice a month. People would come sit with me and many sisters had said they miss me being in relief society.
I don't know what to do. I've been crying a lot over this, especially during this holiday season. The idea that I'll never enter into the covenant with my Heavenly Father really makes me discouraged and just breaks my heart. I moved away and stopped going to church, and Oaks has certainly made that harder for me. That and most of my queer friends begging me to leave for good because it's anti queer and or 'a cult'. I really want to get back into going, but I'm so conflicted. I love this church, I love the gospel, and I love Jesus Christ. But there's just so much hurt when I'm always hearing about baptism and temples and marriage and all this stuff that just doesn't seem doable for me....because I'm trans. The only way to get the chance would be to stop medical transition and go by my deadname again and stop wearing the 'wrong clothes' to church (as they put it), and I just can't do that. I'd be too depressed. And that's why I haven't been back to church despite my heart aching for it. I just...I saw queerstake existed and wanted to reach out in the hopes someone would understand. Any advice would be greatly appreciated
I am... so sorry that you're going through this. It's incredible how exclusionary the policy changes are, and how blind church leadership is to how it affects people.
The current policy is - in my not so humble opinion - dead wrong. I'm happy to hear that the members in your last ward were as warm and welcoming as we're supposed to be as a church.
Over the past few years I've noticed a significant change in members. Hearts have opened up all throughout the church, and it hasn't gone unnoticed by leadership. Historically speaking, when people in power are afraid of losing power to those they've taken it from, they push down on their exclusionary policies harder. Usually under the disguise of law or spiritual enlightenment. I feel that that is what's happening in our church, too.
Historically speaking, these people also never win. We're not theirs to erase or remove. In the same vein, they can not decide for you whether you should or shouldn't attend church, even when they try to exclude you from all the "benefits" they promise other members.
It is my firm belief that the covenants that the church facilitates, are not theirs to withhold. The power to guide people while making these covenants, is not power over the covenants themselves. You have the power to make any promises that you want to make to Heavenly Father yourself.
You'll have to sit down with yourself, and make up your mind about how you want to live life in a way that sits right with you. Take into account that you don't have to be baptized to attend church. You don't have to attend church to live by its guidance. You don't have to believe all guidance the church gives in order to be guided by the Spirit. You don't have to go to the temple to be guided by the Spirit. You don't have to be or do anything, to let the Spirit lead you to where you want to be. There are a gazillion different ways to love our gospel, and to live by it, and only you can find out how that looks for you.
Once the church catches up with its own gospel, we'll still be here, and we'll get to be part of a church that welcomes everyone as Heavenly Father made us to be.
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