Mostly Quotes and Some Painful Thoughts

[purpleoceanrock]

My Baby

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear." -C.S. Lewis

"Come back. Even as a shadow, even as a dream." -Euripides

"Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything." -C.S. Lewis

"I think perhaps I will always hold a candle for you – even until it burns my hand. And when the light has long since gone …. I will be there in the darkness holding what remains, quite simply because I cannot let go." -Ranata Suzuki

"I had someone once who made every day mean something. And now…. I am lost…. And nothing means anything anymore." -Ranata Suzuki

"I sat with my anger long enough until she told me her real name was grief." -C.S. Lewis

I put my baby to sleep on Feb. 18th.

[purpleoceanrock]

People seem to underestimate the complexities of sibling relationships when you grew up together traumatized, hurt, unstable. You grow up, and you're not sure how to treat them, not sure who they are to you, not sure who they even are. You give them space and time and hope that heals things. Years pass, then more years, and suddenly you realize how much time has really passed. They're not little kids anymore, and they don't seem to know you. And you wonder if space is what they needed or what you needed, and you wonder why everything just has to suck and hurt all the time. How am I supposed to understand my siblings' identities and needs when I barely understand my own identity? How am I supposed to know what a sibling relationship is supposed to be like when all I was ever taught is how to be hostages together?

I fear there's something deeply wrong with me. I wish I knew what I'm supposed to do and say and how to help. But maybe we're just going to remain strangers, and maybe there's no fixing it.

[purpleoceanrock]

“We sometimes encounter people, even perfect strangers, who begin to interest us at first sight, somehow suddenly, all at once, before a word has been spoken.” ― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Crime and Punishment

“I am a dreamer. I know so little of real life that I just can't help re-living such moments as these in my dreams, for such moments are something I have very rarely experienced. I am going to dream about you the whole night, the whole week, the whole year. I feel I know you so well that I couldn't have known you better if we'd been friends for twenty years. You won't fail me, will you? Only two minutes, and you've made me happy forever. Yes, happy. Who knows, perhaps you've reconciled me with myself, resolved all my doubts."

-Fyodor Dostoyevsky, White Nights

“For, after all, you do grow up, you do outgrow your ideals, which turn to dust and ashes, which are shattered into fragments; and if you have no other life, you just have to build one up out of these fragments. And all the time your soul is craving and longing for something else. And in vain does the dreamer rummage about in his old dreams, raking them over as though they were a heap of cinders, looking in these cinders for some spark, however tiny, to fan it into a flame so as to warm his chilled blood by it and revive in it all that he held so dear before, all that touched his heart, that made his blood course through his veins, that drew tears from his eyes, and that so splendidly deceived him!” ― Fyodor Dostoevsky, White Nights and Other Stories

“Existentialism isn't so atheistic that it wears itself out showing that God doesn't exist. Rather, it declares that even if God did exist, that would change nothing.” ― Fyodor Dostoevsky

“Forgive me... for my love - for ruining you with my love.” ― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Brothers Karamazov

[purpleoceanrock]

I Regret, I Hurt, I Hope

It’s weird growing up. You remember all the things you wanted to be as a child. You remember having dreams instead of goals. You remember worrying about having friends or not having friends. You remember being self-absorbed and silly and serious all at the same time. You remember having a meltdown over things that didn’t really matter because the world sucks, and it’s not going to make a difference even in just a couple years. 

I am still growing up, and yet I remember all of these things from my childhood. Now I have goals instead of dreams because I know those can’t exist in this brutal reality. Now I’m not worried about if I have friends or if I don’t have friends. Instead, I simply find myself pondering the actual importance of friendship during childhood when friendships never last anyway. Now I’m serious and self-aware and sometimes attempting to be silly and carefree. Now meltdowns come from PTSD and hostile work environments and the fact that the world doesn’t care about people like me. 

I try to make a difference. I try to follow the rules and lead by example and be a positive change. I try not to cry myself to sleep while I despair over everything that breaks my heart. 

I hope for inner peace. I hope for a future that maybe isn’t amazing, but maybe it’s enough. I hope for healing. I hope that today’s kids don’t have to go through what I did. I hope I won’t continue to be disappointed. 

[diaryofandnwoman]

#whitewomantears

[purpleoceanrock]

"Our parting was like a stalemate…. Neither of us won. Yet both of us lost. And worse still … that unshakable feeling that nothing was ever really finished." Ranata Suzuki "the sad part is, that I will probably end up loving you without you for much longer than I loved you when I knew you. Some people might find that strange. But the truth of it is that the amount of love you feel for someone and the impact they have on you as a person, is in no way relative to the amount of time you have known them." Ranata Suzuki

[purpleoceanrock]

Even Dawn Won’t Stay

I’ve had Robert Frost’s poem “Nothing Gold Can Stay” stuck in my head for the past three days. Especially this part, “So Eden sank to grief, So dawn goes down to day. Nothing gold can stay.”

I appreciate the poem’s sentiment. While the seasons were used as a specific example, I love how effectively loss is felt within these lines. It makes me think of my childhood and everything else I have lost. “Nothing gold can stay.”

[purpleoceanrock]

Feast of Failure and Broken Glass Floats

“Christmas it seems to me is a necessary festival; we require a season when we can regret all the flaws in our human relationships: it is the feast of failure, sad but consoling.” ― Graham Greene, Travels with My Aunt

“Psychologically, they are parasites, like tapeworms that slumber within you, living passively until something stirs them to life.”

-Chanrithy Him, When Broken Glass Floats: Growing Up Under the Khmer Rouge

[purpleoceanrock]

The Winter is Just Another Broken Dream

I love the winter. But I get the blues to an impossible degree around Christmas and New Year’s. It’s a cursed time for me filled with bitter memories and consuming sadness. It is a time for me to reflect on not what is but what could have been. It’s a time for me to reflect on all I have lost and all I never had to begin with. It’s a time for me to remember that my life ultimately has no meaning except for what those who’ve known me have assigned it. 

I keep waiting for this time of year to be less depressing and less horrible, but it hasn’t happened yet. In fact, it feels like I drown in this sorrow more and more each year. All I want for Christmas is peace, but I know I won’t be getting that. And once again, my New Year’s resolution will just be another broken dream.  

[purpleoceanrock]

"We live as we dream - alone. While the dream disappears, the life continues painfully."

-Joseph Conrad, Heart of Darkness

[purpleoceanrock]

When you're a child, they don't tell you how many nights you'll lie in bed crying. They don't tell you that some days the stress will be so bad it'll feel like you're a statue, cracking. They don't tell you that you'll bounce between being a robot and being a cauldron of melancholy.

I did not ask to be born. I didn't expect to have a good or fair life. But I also didn't expect this pain to run so deeply. What are you supposed to do when it feels like each day you lose more and more of yourself? I know who I am, but this world is an ever-changing, unfamiliar nightmare. At what point will I cease to be myself because the world has strangled the life out of me?

[kaijutegu]

you don’t need to ask for jane anymore: a guide to coming to chicago for a safe, low-cost abortion

A lot of people in the US are super worried about the Supreme Court axing Roe v. Wade, but what they might not know is that some states have laws in place that will protect the right to reproductive choice and abortion if that happens. One of these states is the state of Illinois. In 2019, a law was passed that protects abortion rights within the state even if the federal right to an abortion falls. This means that if Roe v. Wade is overturned, abortion will still be a protected right in Illinois. Even before Roe, Chicago was a haven for safe abortions- you just called and asked for Jane.

Now, safe abortion access is the law of the land in IL, and there are several groups who can help you. This post is long, but I think it’s worthwhile. Even if you don’t read all the way through it, maybe save it for later. You or someone you know might need it. If you want to stop now, the TL;DR is this:

f you’re a minor and you can’t tell your parents, get a waiver of notification from the IL Judicial Bypass program.

Schedule your appointment.

Contact abortion funds to get financial aid. Your home state might have s fund, and the Chicago Abortion Fund can help.

Secure housing for the procedure through the Midwest Access Coalition or by talking to the intake staff at the clinic of your choice.

I’d like to start by saying that the closer to home you get your abortion, should you need one, the easier it will be for you… probably. It depends on your individual situation AND your safety. If I still lived in Indiana and I needed an abortion, I’d probably leave to get it done, even though there are abortion providers in Indiana, because Indiana is super hostile and there’s lots of clinic protestors- for example, when I was taking my GRE my senior year at Notre Dame, the testing center was in this little strip mall in Mishawaka next to Planned Parenthood. Despite the fact that the PP in Mishawaka does not provide abortions, there were protestors who yelled at me for going in there. I wasn’t even going to PP. I’d like to say that I said something devastatingly cool but I just ran in flustered. Point being: It really, really would have sucked if I was there for healthcare instead of a standardized test for graduate school. And that’s a very tame, mild situation! Real abortion clinic protests are often much more devastating! 

ANYWAYS. The less you have to travel, the easier things tend to be, if it’s safe to get an abortion where you are and if your state will have protected abortions if Roe is overturned. If you’re not sure what might happen in your state in that case, this map has a clear, succinct overview of the legal status of abortion in each state and all US territories. You will want to click through to that link, because this image isn’t interactive.

[ID: a map of the US with states and territories sorted by their legal protections for abortion into four categories: expanded access in the case of Roe v. Wade being overturned, protected, not protected, and hostile. IL is highlighted.]

So let’s say you live in any of those red states. (Yellow and blue are safe- abortion access is protected there.) Let’s say, worst case scenario, Roe gets overturned and you get pregnant and you want to terminate. You will be able to do that in IL, and it’s relatively easy to do that in Chicago for a relatively low cost and with the benefit of a robust support network of people who want to reaffirm your reproductive choices.

First, if you’re a minor and you don’t want to tell your parents because it’s not safe for you to do so, get a judicial waiver of parental notification. The IL ACLU has a judicial bypass hotline. This will come at no cost to you. Do this ASAP, because it takes time to get it set up! You can do this by calling the hotline at 877-442-9727, texting 312-560-6607, or emailing [email protected].

Next, you need to get an appointment set up. You could get a referral from someone local to you, but this can be tricky- 87% of counties in the US don’t have an abortion provider, and google can lead you to a crisis pregnancy center. They will not help you. If you have a local Planned Parenthood, call them. Even if they don’t provide abortions, they can refer you to someone who can. If you’re coming to Chicago, which this post… kind of assumes you are… you can call any of these groups to talk about your options and what clinics can help you. I recommend starting with FPA or PP; those are two actual clinics. MAC and CAF are funds- they can direct you but they can’t schedule an appointment for you.

Family Planning Associates (FPA): 312-707-8988 or use their online schedule tool, found here: https://www.fpachicago.com/schedule-now/ Chicago Abortion Fund (CAF): Phone: [phone] (note: the helpline is only staffed MWF from 3:30-6:30 PM CST, or email [email protected] Midwest Access Coalition (MAC): 847-750-6224 or email [email protected] Planned Parenthood of Illinois (PP): 1-800-230-7526

You might want to shop around and see which clinic costs the least, and is the most practical for you to get to. FPA has a lot of patient resources, as does PP. Don’t be afraid to ask for financial assistance. The people staffing those organizations have extensive networks and deep compassion for their patients- if the clinic can’t help, they might know who can.

Once you’ve made an appointment, now’s the time to start gathering financial aid. Some insurance, including IL Medicaid, covers it. If yours does not, or if the copay is still too much, this is where abortion funds come into play. Many states have their own abortion funds for state residents, so you might have to look around to see who can help you. I’d start with the National Network of Abortion Funds.

You also need to figure out transportation and housing while you’re in the city to get your abortion. This isn’t super necessary if you’re just coming for the pill abortion, but if you’re coming for a d and c or other surgical procedure, you will be staying for a couple of days. THIS is why I’m writing this up, because abortion funds typically only are able to help cover the financial cost of the procedure. It’s expensive to stay somewhere and it can be absolutely terrifying if you’re on your own! Navigating while you’re in pain from the procedure can be an absolute devil of a time, too! However, Chicago has MAC (contact info above), which is a practical access fund, which means that they help pay for transportation to the city (bus tickets and train tickets) and around the city (volunteer drivers or volunteers who take rideshares with clients), food, aftercare medicine (painkillers, etc.), and housing, and there’s also free access to emotional support staff throughout your stay. This is not just open to IL residents; it’s open to anyone coming to the city for an abortion. ALSO if you go through FPA, they have a partnership with the Hampton Inn a block away from their location where their patients get a discount. If you go that route, just talk to FPA about housing and they’ll hook you up. This can be super helpful if you need some evidence that you’re on a “business trip” or something like that- if you are in a position where you need an excuse for your safety, that might work well.

Hopefully you won’t need this post- but if you do, I hope it helps. Feel free to share it around. If you have anti-choice opinions and you feel the need to share, don’t. This isn’t the space for it; you will be blocked and your comments removed. And then remember that criminalizing abortion won’t stop abortion. It’ll just stop safe abortions. Also, increased access to abortion, funnily enough, tends to be the thing that lowers abortion rates, because increased access to abortion comes part and parcel with increased access to birth control and general health and sex education.

[kaijutegu]

Reblogging this because it’s always relevant… and because an administrative decision by MAC’s incredible leadership means they don’t just do bus and train tickets anymore. They will also help pay for airline tickets if you need to fly. If you are in the US and need to come to Chicago for an abortion, MAC’s got your back.

[kaijutegu]

In light of recent events.

https://www.elle.com/culture/career-politics/a37668369/abortion-funds-crisis-where-to-donate-end-of-roe/

https://abortionfunds.org/

http://www.sparkrj.org/

https://keepourclinics.org/

https://www.nirhealth.org/local-reproductive-freedom-index/

[kaijutegu]

Also, if you find yourself in a situation where you can’t travel, and you catch it early, you can do a medication abortion at home. This can either be clinician supported through telehealth or it can be a self-managed abortion (SMA). Either way, you can do this entirely online without ever having to go into a doctor’s office or clinic.

http://www.sparkrj.org/website/wp-content/uploads/2021/12/SMA-1-Pager.pdf

Now, this only works early in a pregnancy (up to 11-12 weeks), so if you’re in a situation where you suspect you may become pregnant and you don’t want to be, test early and often if you can. The various help lines can also help you figure out how far along you are.

More resources: https://www.reprolegalhelpline.org/- this link is a good resource for talking about your legal options. If you’re a pregnant person of color, immigrant, or low-income (and using Medicaid) in an abortion-hostile state, I HIGHLY recommend talking through your legal options because you are absolutely targeted by politicians and the US legal system.

https://www.plancpills.org/

https://abortionhotline.org/

Also, if you would like to do something IRL to help, why not print out some stickers? These have a QR code that leads to Plan C’s website.

https://global-uploads.webflow.com/5f7e0692875fa8243cac6673/613fac241151daf59881d89e_PlanC_DIY_StickerSheet_2x2.pdf

You can print these on sticker paper at home if you have it. It’s a good way to get the word out.

[kaijutegu]

As of… thirty minutes ago on Monday, 2 May 2022, Politico got hold of Justice Alito’s draft statement on Roe. It’s not good. We’re probably gonna lose Roe vs. Wade in two months, and that means if you live in a red state, you’re VERY probably going to lose the right to a safe abortion.

I know this is a long post, but if Roe is overturned, it’s not going to stop abortions. It’s just going to stop safe abortions. Abortion access is reproductive healthcare, and a lot of states are going to get really restrictive. Indiana, my home state, has already put a woman in jail for having a miscarriage. Oklahoma lawmakers would rather let women with ectopic pregnancies die than allow lifesaving medical procedures. This is bad, but! Underground abortion networks did exist before Roe vs. Wade, and now we have the internet. We have robust networks in place to help people that the government would rather see dead or imprisoned. Even if Roe is overturned, some states will be safe havens for abortion. Travel to these states can be difficult, but not impossible– that’s what abortion networks and abortion funds are for.

Please save as much of this information as may be relevant to you. And if you’re “pro-life” and feel the need to comment on this post? Don’t. Your opinions and input are neither valued nor wanted. Abortion access is a vital, necessary part of reproductive healthcare.

[purpleoceanrock]

For Someone Like Me

Sometimes I just want to cry because being a woman in this world is awful. Despite how hard I work, how much I defy stereotypes and expectations, it will never be enough. In everyone’s eyes, I’m just supposed to marry and become a mother and not pursue my own interests and careers and ambitions. In everyone else’s eyes, I’m a disappointment for being an individual and not just a prop. I was blessed to be raised by parents that didn’t tell me I could or couldn’t be something because I’m a woman. I was cursed because these same parents subjected me to years of abuse because I was a child easily taken advantage of, because I was everything they wanted or wanted to be. 

I’m sorry; I really needed to rant. Why won’t people just treat me like a human being? It actually breaks my heart and reminds me that this world is just not made for someone like me. 

[the2headedcalf-archive]

You know that Ada Limón poem where she’s like “i can’t help it i love the way men love”? my dad recently confessed to me that he became a shoemaker because they buried my grandma shoeless

oh…………………………………

[urlocalchangeling]

Accident Report in the Tall, Tall Weeds - Ada Limón

[generic-dumb-bitch]

[tundrakatiebean]

[gingernutsenthusiast]

@filmnoirsbian

[chambaeli]

[chandaniyan]

[chandaniyan]

[machineryangel]

[lam-ila]

There are over 33 million people affected by floods in Pakistan with at least 1000 people killed and over 180,000 people displaced. Please, if you are able to, donate to help and if you’re not able to donate, please reblog this.

https://islamic-relief.org/appeals/pakistan-floods-appeal/ (Has a lot of information about the floods and is also a trusted place you can donate to)

[purpleoceanrock]

A Letter to My Baby Sister

Dear Baby Sister, 

Today I remembered you. I saw a reflection of you in the show I was watching: a pretty little girl, blonde hair, tired eyes, angry heart. I remembered talking with you and watching you cry. I remember holding you in my arms as our house went to hell and making you drown out the screaming and terror. I remember promising to protect you, as best I could, but it just wasn’t enough. I remember letting us tell lies to ourselves and presuming to think that things would get better. I remember knowing that you needed me a lot more than I needed you. I remember knowing I couldn’t end it all because that would be the most painful way to fail you. 

I don’t know if you think of me often, if you remember my face and my sorry smiles and my tears. I don’t know if you remember that I tried. I hate that I wasn’t enough, that I couldn’t save you before I saved myself. I hate that I don’t know the kind of woman you’ve grown into. I hate, more than anything, that I still remember the tiny little girl I used to laugh and cry with, the one whose creativity and humor I admired to the ends of the Earth. 

Baby Sister, I love you. I know that life has failed us both. I know that I failed you when I shouldn’t have had to save you in the first place. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the baby I used to know. 

We’re beyond lack of forgiveness or talking or whatever there is supposed to be with sisterly relationships. Just know that I miss you. I feel guilty every day to the point where I try not to remember. You’re one of the most painful faces of regret.

Love, 

Big Sister 

[purpleoceanrock]

The Painful Existence of Memory

“And time is a curious thing. Most of us only live for the time that lies right ahead of us. A few days, weeks, years. One of the most painful moments in a person's life probably comes with the insight that an age has been reached when there is more to look back on than ahead. And when time no longer lies ahead of one, other things have to be lived for. Memories, perhaps.” ― Fredrik Backman, A Man Called Ove