world's shittiest rp memes™: jerma985 cooking-themed sentence starters (from his cooking simulator streams)
intended for shitpost-y threads, but could be versatile. change pronouns/insert names/adjust phrasing as needed.
(grabs a pan directly out of the oven.) "OWOWOW, MY HANDS, OWW!!"
"okay, now what i want you to do is chug the avocado oil."
"they didn’t even know that half of that shit touched the ground."
"how much soup is soup?"
"wha- it cooks when i take it out?! how does it cook when it’s not in the pan?! that makes no sense!"
[sender's muse] tries to place a utensil down but manages to fling it clear across the room instead.
"i’m gonna deep-fry a propane tank."
"there's blood on the counter. ... and this dough looks really, really weird to me."
(cramming a bunch of metal utensils into a microwave.)
"i feel like that's the kind of shit we'll be eating when the apocalypse happens."
"i threw a cucumber and it exploded!"
"it looks like a... it looks like a dead bird."
(tries to empty a pot into the sink but manages to flip it completely upside down, spilling its contents all over the counter and floor.)
"i just singed my fucking eyebrows."
(tries to carefully pour food from a fryer onto a plate. 80% of the food ends up on the counter around the plate instead.)
(attempts to gently flip a cut of meat, but somehow manages to launch it out of the pan, into the air and onto a completely different part of the stove.) "... WHY?! I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING!"
"hopefully he doesn’t taste the glass."
[sender's muse] attempts to yell "YOU FUCKIN' DONKEY" like gordon ramsey, but they do the accent so badly they sound like shrek instead.
[sender's muse] accidentally throws an entire pizza out of the window.
"i’m realizing what i’m turning into. and i actually entered into, like, the experiment pretend-to-have-a-restaurant five-year-old thing."
an explosion goes off behind them. they turn to see the kitchen has caught fire. "... huh? did someone drop a fucking BOMB on us?!"
[sender's muse] starts pointing the business end of a blowtorch directly into their own eyes.
"i’ll put on the kitchen nightmares american OST."
"do not mix gas in the mixer. ... not now."
(tosses a pan in the air and breaks the ceiling fan COMPLETELY apart. all of the blades come off and the base falls to the floor.) "what. what?! scared the absolute hell outta me, i didn't know you could do that!"
(microwaves raw trout for 20 seconds, then immediately grabs a fork to dig in.)
(accidentally tosses a sponge into a pot of soup instead of the sink, then tries to surreptitiously fish it back out and pretend they didn’t.)
as [sender's muse] is walking to serve [receiver’s muse], the entire meal falls off the plate on the way there and they set a completely empty plate on the table like nothing is wrong.
(placing a porkchop directly onto the counter) "don’t let me forget this is here! ‘cause it’s cooked and it’s ready to eat!"
(tries putting something in the microwave, but it somehow flies out and across the room.) "okay, this is fucking broken."
"you wanna make prison wine?"
(laughing) "that looks like cat puke..."
(toting an extremely burnt pizza crust with a 5 inch tall pile of olives on it) "who ordered the caviar pizza?"
"it’s still good! ... no it’s not."
(spills two bowls of soup in a row just trying to carry them out of the kitchen.)
"it looks like someone bled on that pizza, doesn’t even look like sauce."
"i’m making floor soup."
(looks in the oven and immediately starts laughing.) "oh, shit."
(completely abandons the still-cooking food.) "aw, is that a bird? a bird just flew by."
(throws a pan full of raw steak across the room.)
(starts throwing cuts of meat out the window.)
(immediately after throwing a cut of meat out the window) "... did somebody just scream at me? i just caused a car accident!"
(scanning over the complete disaster in the kitchen like a cop at a crime scene) "okay, so very obviously, there was a struggle, right."
