more and more lately, tumblr doesn't feel like the place for me. it isn't just because i'm a trans man, but that's a lot of it. i'm not leaving entirely, but i am looking for other options, because suppose they nuke me one day, or suppose i have an opinion too loudly as a trans guy, and suddenly this place becomes even more hostile to people like me. i guess i'm just trying to get ahead of the problem.
i'm not sure i have any other good options but i'm making a neocities page and trying to find people to follow on mastodon and bluesky. insta, fb, and twitter are all a hard no; i keep insta and fb active mostly for my partner and a handful of other people, but i don't post there. spacehey is a myspace knockoff and i'm probably gonna set up shop over there, too.
really, the other week, i purposely spent time online outside of the social media walled gardens for several hours. and it was easily the most fun i've had on the interwebs in a very long time. it was like being a kid on geocities/angelfire again, which is where i started. well, my first website was on gURLpages, because you could use custom html and you weren't just locked into what the site wanted you to be able to do. then i got into visual kei and jrock, and mp3 rotations were the best way to find music, and that was my community for a long time.
until i ran my mouth on a blog post about being tired of hearing about the war in iraq and the supposed weapons of mass destruction that never existed. i used too much hyperbole, and among other things like almost being arrested and having to go to mandatory therapy, i was subsequently banned from using the internet with the kind of freedom i once enjoyed. but that's a story for another day. suffice to say, though, i was definitely radicalized before it was cool lol
anyway. if anybody has any thoughts or advice about what i'm describing, let me know. i don't have the energy to respond quickly a lot of the time, but i promise i'm not trying to be rude or ignore anyone. i'm just chronically exhausted and in pain most of the time, and it feels like my needs and experiences never get to matter to anyone. and so i have to make them matter to me, because no one is going to do the work for me. no one is coming to save me. and for damn sure most people aren't going to take my feelings into account about trans issues or the culture on this webbed site as a trans man.
sometimes i sarcastically say things like "yeah i forgot, as a trans man, i deserve it. sorry, i forgot i wasn't allowed to take up space or have a voice, even when something affects me or actively harms me. i'm just a stupid, entitled trans guy, or a stupid, emotional, delusional little girl, depending on who you ask. sorry, i forgot that because of my anatomy, i'll always be treated like i need to learn my place beneath someone else, because god forbid i ever act like my needs or feelings or experiences matter."
but the thing is... i do have to make it matter. it has to matter to me, because i have to at least try to love and respect myself, even if it feels like no one else will.
and maybe part of that needs to be carving out a space for myself, and not just here on this nothing of a blog, but something that i have some amount of control and ownership of.
anyway. i haven't been active for a few days because i've been mulling this over. i know i have a few messages i need to reply to. i'm not trying to be rude or uncaring. i'm just exhausted. i'm sorry. i'm trying to be better. hopefully after my surgery i will be a lot better, but that probably won't be for a couple months at least. we'll see.
love my moots. y'all have been my rock lately. i just need to figure some things out. i'll also be reaching out to a lot of people i follow directly to see who's on what platforms aside from this, but i'd appreciate any help/advice anyone can give me.
kianamaiart
turnnoffyourmind
dailybridgerton
ellievsbear
blakekathryn
