i hope we both die

Viktor ("Rook"), 22, he/him, trans, gay. BPD blog mainly. Will also feature agoraphobia, scopophobia (both diagnosed), generalized depression, SA trauma (always tagged), (c-)ptsd, and discussions of transphobia and transandrophobia. Life is a struggle.

[quietphobic]

This too shall pass but goddamn it has hands

[quietphobic]

Lamictal is making me so drowsy. How am I supposed to live laugh love face-down on the concrete

[quietphobic]

Work is going to make me put my head through a fucking wall

I just got my meds increased so I'm probably doing better that I would've otherwise. But come fucking on. My manager told me to go help another team and he'd take care of my responsibilities. But then something pretty important came up for him so he had to run off to do that. He could've called me back from the other team or had someone else step it for me until I got back, but no. So now I'm way far behind and we had to pull people from the team I was just helping and call in more people so we can catch up. If he had just called me back, this wouldn't have been an issue

I had to go on break in the middle of it because I'm about to crash out. This is why the turnover rate is so high. Almost no one stays longer than 3 months

[bobbole]

Noah Dao

[quietphobic]

Two nights in a row, SA has been mentioned in the show playing in the breakroom at work. First an episode of South Park where it they literally showed it bc its South Park, and then Law & Order: Special Victims Unit which was far more graphic in its description than it needed to be 😐 would it be a bitch move to just call out for the rest of the night and go home. Oh and of course this is AFTER I already had to report to HR that a coworker who I had considered a friend at the time made a joke about sexually assaulting me. This job is a nightmare.

[quietphobic]

Oh and the coworker didn't get fired either. Or even suspended. Hell, I would've even taken suspended with pay. Some sort of punishment would've been great. And he KNEW I had been SAed in the past too. It was literally the first big lore drop I gave because I noticed he was getting flirty. And he made the joke anyway. Can I kill myself or is that too dramatic.

[quietphobic]

Two nights in a row, SA has been mentioned in the show playing in the breakroom at work. First an episode of South Park where it they literally showed it bc its South Park, and then Law & Order: Special Victims Unit which was far more graphic in its description than it needed to be 😐 would it be a bitch move to just call out for the rest of the night and go home. Oh and of course this is AFTER I already had to report to HR that a coworker who I had considered a friend at the time made a joke about sexually assaulting me. This job is a nightmare.

[aloyhh]

normalize not trying harder when someone makes you feel unwanted

[svdaily]

normalise not proving your worth when someone can’t see it.

[mentally-ill-loser-rants]

[daddystinygirll]

I’m not “battling mental illness” or “fighting bpd” they are in fact, beating the ever living fuck out of me

[sickfrr]

[ronnie-ratke]

I love pretending idgaf and then spiraling about it for months

[quietphobic]

The fight with adhd meds continues. So far I've tried Vyvanse, Concerta, and Adderall. Side effects included:

Vyvanse: Night sweats, nightmares, insomnia, dry mouth, extreme apathy, general increased anger, extreme irritability, anger specifically when interrupted while doing something, anger and frustration when forced to stop or switch tasks

Concerta: Knocked me out 2 hours after taking it. This happened every time. Didnt take it long enough to see other side effects

Adderall: Stomach aches, night sweats, dry mouth, menstrual cramps, menstrual bleeding, suicidal, short temper, irritable

I literally had less trouble with antipsychotics. This is ridiculous.

Op is a trans man, not a woman.

[feeling-likeastranger]

sometimes i look in the mirror and don’t even recognize myself. like i’m trapped inside a stranger who just happens to have my face.

[quietphobic]

I'm so fucking tired all the time, my adhd meds make it impossible to get decent rest, I have to be on my feet for 10-11 hours straight, I'm so tired of people and everything. It doesnt help that my adhd meds have made my personality even more flat and irritable. Nothing is funny anymore, everyone is annoying, I'm exasperated and exhausted, I don't want to work, I don't want to leave the house, I don't want to do anything. I want to kill myself but I'm too tired and annoyed to even bother. Just let me rot in bed in peace.

[bpdohwhatajoy]

My two trauma moods: avoidance or rumination

[condemnedbody]

I want to scream and cry, beg him to love me, beg him to look at me like he used too.

but that would be pathetic and no one likes someone who's pathetic.

[bpdohwhatajoy]