Reading your reply to anon who read the commenter talking about their fic somewhere else and not mentioning stuff they didn’t like/liked less reminded me of something similar happening to me… except it was a on a Discord I am part of.
In fairness to the mod who wrote a very complimentary comment and then went on the server to give a much less enthusiastic review, they had no idea I was the author, because the story was posted in an anon collection on AO3. So this definitely wasn’t a case of them trying to hurt me or anything.
Here’s the thing, though: I was hurt first and foremost because that mod is usually someone who will speak their mind and be honest and direct with their opinion. For a variety of reasons, honesty and direct communication matter a lot to me, and this experience caused me to doubt whether the mod was truly being honest, which in turn made it difficult to interact with them on the server.
I know a lot of people might take this the wrong way and I’m going to try to phrase it to my best ability, but. Someone is probably going to get upset nonetheless, considering the long-lasting debate about comments. All the same, as far as I am concerned, I’d much, much rather hear someone’s honest opinion, even if that isn’t 100% complimentary, than a comment that is restricted to only the stuff commenter liked because they’re afraid of offending me. The moment that happens, open and honest communication becomes a lot more difficult, and it’s a rare commodity these days anyway.
It also feels like I’m being treated with kid gloves or put on a pedestal, neither of which feels good. Many people, even if they love a story to death, have something that they stumble over or don’t like as much. It’s human, it’s natural, and I want them to feel safe *telling me that* as long as it’s done in a respectful way. They’re still reading my story, aren’t they? And I’ve so often had an idea for a new story or a different twist when someone presented me with a different perspective on my own story. Frankly, I’ve *so often* gone back to read stories I wrote 10 or more years ago only to realise that *I myself* didn’t like what I’d written back then. Why would I expect my readers to be any different?
Before the times of anonymous collections, I used to have different accounts and would keep this from people in the same fandom, even if I got along with them. I’ve since started doing that again. It’s not that it doesn’t hurt me when someone writes an enthusiastic comment and then critiques my work elsewhere, because it does. And it did hurt when that mod did it. But it feels even worse that the only way I can get that honest feedback/opinion from people who already care enough about my stories to comment is to pretend I’m a different person.
People have different backgrounds, so of course we all have different expectations and ideas of what counts as polite or rude. If someone doesn’t want any criticism on their stories, that should be respected. Still, I really do wish more people put up notes about what kinds of feedback they’re open to, for example using the Long Live Feedback template. I think a lot of the issues around commenting and comment culture could be resolved by authors clearly stating their expectations. And I really wish more people felt safe enough to trust me when I write that their honest opinion matters more to me than 100% praise.
Thank you for sharing these thoughts with us, anon. I appreciate you taking the time to bring this perspective - and I also appreciate the care you took while you were writing it.
I completely agree with everything you said in that final paragraph, and I want to second your recommendation of the @longlivefeedback comment project. It's such a wonderful resource, and I think it can be really helpful in supporting that communication you're looking for.
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