I never write anything, all I’ve ever done is post art, but I have all these emotions inside me and feel like I just need to get it out someway or might just explode.
I sufffer from Bipolar II Disorder, and theses past few weeks I’ve been going through a pretty intense mixed episode. You know in most textbooks they’ll tell you that having bipolar disorder is generally compromised of bouts of mania and depression with periods of ‘normalcy’ in between. For me it’s not like that, at all. I’m either hypomanic as fuck or so damn depressed I can’t do shit, and don’t get me started on my mixed periods. I never, ever feel ‘normal’. I hate it so much for me my hypomania is sleepless nights, restless days, extrem irritability over everything and nothing, racing thoughts that never seem to have an end, risky thoughts and urges that could get me in a lot of trouble, and if bad enough I have auditory hallucinations. My depression is so deep and debilitating that I’m either too tired to do anything other than just lay there or I have no motivation to even breath. Typically my depression lasts much longer than my hypomanic or mixed episodes. My mixed episodes are like living in hell, it’s the sleepless nights, restless feeling with no motivation, the thoughts keep coming and I almost alway am hearing things that aren’t there. I feel so out of control, medication takes the edge off, these phases become less extreme and that’s an amazing thing. But sometimes I feel things full force like these past three weeks have been.
I’m still learning how to deal with my mental illness and I have found things that help and things that can make it worse. My dog is a big help, he can always help no matter what phase I’m going through and he doesn’t seem to care that I have one at all.
I don’t know what I hope to gain by writing this, mostly I think it’s for myself but another part of me wants to reach out to others just to say you’re not alone.
Thanks for reading my rant, I don’t know how much good it’ll do. But it was worth a shot.
