So if you don't know, here is the abbreviated version: I started reading Whomstve on the day it ended, the day of the final [S] Act 7 animation, because I watched it on a whim and said "man this music is fucking rad, I should finally try to read this," and then I did.
Then, a few years later, after the completion of the story, Hussie and their compatriots released The Home/stuck Epilogues, which were bad. They were very, very bad and in a specifically very hateful, vindictive way, and they essentially decimated the fandom. Many people left within a month. Most were gone in a year. And they were right to, in my opinion.
(You know how Game of Thrones was the cash cow Cultural Moment and then the finale happened and it fucking vanished from popular consciousness? It was like that, except imagine GOT had a decent ending and people kept enjoying it and then three years later they released a new ending that ruined the show. That's the Epilogues.)
Fast forward to about…. the end of September, 2021. A full 900 days after the Epilogues Happened, I was struck with a thought:
Man. I miss Jake English.
And now, three or four weeks later, I'm into Whomstve.
Okay why "whomstve" tho?
I think my friend Asherinn started this, it was our little way to bitch about the epilogues without winding up on the Tumblr search. Now, to me, Whomstve very specifically means "Home//stuck, before the (Not Actually) Post-Canon content." It's the story I loved.
What I found surprising is that… and this shocked me a lot, trust me: Whomstve is still good. I've done the relisten and it's good, actually. I'm stunned, actually.
When the Epilogues happened, one of the predominate emotions myself and others had was a sense of "were we wrong? was it always bad and we just didn't see it?"
Hi. I'm here. And no, it was good once. And that part still is.
Now you're gonna tell me how to get into """Whomstve"""" right?
Yeah, p much.
I have a few thoughts on this. I'll try to be concise—
Actually I'm impatient, just tell me what to do.
Fine, the short version:
Read Acts 1 through 3, either on the Home//stuck website or using the Unofficial Home//stuck Collection.
Switch to Lets Read Home//stuck starting with Act 4, and continue on from there.
Switch back to the website or UHSC when you run out of LRHS. It'll get you most of the way to the end.
Stop at [S] Act 7 or [S] Credits. Do not read the Epilogues.
Hit me up for fic recs.
Now, the long version.
ONE: Whomstve is best read and understood in archival format, and anyone who tells you differently is incorrect.
For clarity: the "live read" is having read the comic as it was updating. The "archive read" is having read it as a complete, finished story.
I am 1000% certain that being in the fandom during the live update cycle of the story was very cool and very specific and frankly an experience that will never be repeated. I know and respect that.
However, if you have heard shit about how HS is difficult to understand or even impossible or that it doesn't make sense— this is because the Live Read is vastly inferior to the Archive Read when it comes to your reading comprehension. Many of the complaints people have about the story are solved by experiencing it as a complete story, when you set the pace of your read, and you don't have literally months of downtime between updates in which people spin so much conjecture and theorycraft that their actual understanding of canon is hampered.
So. To appreciate the story, forget all the memes and shit, all the fandom history around it, and just read the fucking story, and it will be great. I promise.
TWO: Okay but should I skip to the trolls.
Act One and Two are not very interesting, compared to the rest of the story.
There, said it.
Unless you imprint on the first hero of the story, John Egbert, you can feel free to just fucking speedread the first two acts of the story. Here, I'll summarize what happens:
It's John Egbert's birthday. He has three best friends, Dave Strider, Rose Lalonde (you'll love her), and Jade Harley. They are destined to play a video game named SBURB that unbeknownst to them will end the world. (Kinda, don't worry about it.) By playing the game, they ascend into the game's world. Each of them have to join the game, and the circumstances around them doing so become increasingly complicated. Through Acts One and Two, John enters the game, then Rose enters the game, whilst we learn about each of the kids and start to learn hints about the greater mythology of SBURB.
It's reading through Acts 1 to 3, but like. Briskly. Act 4 is where shit pops tf off.
(Hell there is an in-canon recap I can link you if you REALLY wanna go fast.)
Wait wait you want me to read THREE FUCKING ACTS before it gets good?
No. It's good. It just doesn't get great until Act 4, imo. You know how The Magnus Archives was never a bad show but that fucker took tf off in season three and four? Yeah, that.
Oh and this is important to understand.
Yeah. Trust me, it'll go quick.
(oh and important to note: this isn't even accurate because pages have varying amounts of words. a page can be a 500 word conversation between characters, or it can be a two sentence joke, or it could be an animation. i looked for a word count chart and failed to find one. I strongly suspect Acts 1-3 are even smaller than this chart conveys. anyway.)
THREE: You mentioned that you "listen" to HS above.
I feel like this is extremely and useful, especially because I know a lot of my followers are into audio-media like podcasts.
I have properly read HS three times. I have listened to Lets Read Home//stuck probably about 7 times. It is my preferred way to experience the comic. I think starting with Act 4, you can and possibly should just put on LRHS and experience the story that way.
Why not Acts 1 thru 3? The production values and voice acting from Act 4 and onward are extremely fucking listenable, and occasionally they are even better than just reading the comic. There are no truly Bad performances, only about two I would call mediocre, and more than 15 I would call really goddamn fucking good, and about three I think deserve fucking acting accolades. Also the Hivebent Narrator's voice is hot, I'm sorry.
Isn't it a different experience than reading the comic on the site? Yes, but in a good way. A few years ago, HS as a property was acquired by Viz Media, and a lot of little things in the comic have been altered and lost due to this. Most of the comic was coded in specific languages, and to preserve them, Viz has uploaded a lot of shit to Youtube, which…. loses something very real to the story. So if you are gonna lose something, why not also gain something by listening to Lets Read Home//stuck?
(Hilarious aside: I just tried to run [S] Cascade on the official site to grab a screencap and the fucking embed crashed. GOOD JOB VIZ. God.)
Also if you have not experienced LRHS's Rose Lalonde from Act 4 onward, you are missing the fuck out bc that is an oscar-worthy performance of one of the best characters in the story. I'm not kidding.
But it's not complete! I would say LRHS has covered…… over 80% of the story. And they are still actively updating, actually. They fully plan on finishing the comic and I really believe they will do it someday.
Do you have another reason to use LRHS? Yes. The biggest reason:
The trolls.
The trolls are recurring characters. Several are major cast members. They all have Typing Quirks. Some are readable, like Karkat's:
CG: SO I GUESS TODAY IS FINALLY THE DAY YOU FUCK EVERYTHING UP.
I cannot read this shit. When I read HS for the first time, I installed browser extensions to literally remove the quirks. But with LRHS, it's fucking read to you, and by people who know what they're doing.
I cannot recommend LRHS enough. I even have ripped MP3s of the whole thing and its in an audiobook on my phone. Yeah. Yep. That's sure a thing I just admitted to. (If you want 'em lemme know.)
FOUR: I don't want to listen to Whomstve, I want to read it, and I'm upset it's not well preserved.
Someone has Done The Fucking Work of archiving the entirety of Home//stuck.
Two downloads, and you will have a self-contained browser on your computer that will let you read all of it. It's very neat and clean, it has helpful configs to change how the font looks if you have issues reading it (however nothing to remove quirks, sorry) and it maintains the multiple games and special animations in the story.
To use it, you DL the main file, then you DL the asset file. It's easy, it's safe, I have a copy on my computer.
FIVE: Stop with either [S] Act 7 or [S] Credits.
This is a matter of opinion, which ending you prefer. Just, whatever you do, do not:
Read the Epilogues
Play the visual novels
Touch literally anything that says "meat" or "candy"
And that's Whomstve! Hit me up for fic recs when you're done.
SIX: Things to know going in.
Like with all media that was made over a decade ago, some shit has not aged well. There is frequent use of the r-slur, until very suddenly it vanishes from the entire comic because presumably Hussie realized it wasn't a funny word. There are a few characters with uncomfortable racial coding, and one that is literally just an fucking Moonspeak Asian joke. She's a minor character really deep in Act 6, I can tell you how to fully avoid her, just hmu. There is one unfunny use of the term "f*g", but the context is a mitigating factor imo. There is also the trouble of Home//stuck trying hard to be "aracial" as in none of the kids have a canon ethnicity. It's as much of a cop-out as you expect, but its something that imo is heavily explored in the fandom. That doesn't excuse it in the canon though, obviously.
The Ultimate Riddle: Why do you care about Whomstve?
That's difficult to answer.
Let me explain one of my favorite things about it. Maybe that'll help.
In Act 5 Act 2 (yep) there is an animation called [S] Jade: Enter. It comes pretty deep in the story, and if you watched it without any context, it's impenetrable. What the fuck is that dog? What's that door? Why is there a meteor? What is fucking happening?
But if you have read Whomstve up to that point, you reach [S] Jade: Enter, and you are given a fucking clusterfuck of a story beat. There is a moment I fucking shrieked to myself because at that point, I understood the language of HS enough that the Thing that happened was simple, fast, thoughtless, but in that single instant explained everything that had gone wrong up to that point in the story. Suddenly I understood jack everything.
This is Whomstve's midterm exam. It's a story that slowly, lovingly, patiently teaches you an entire language of symbology and mythology and mechanics, all so it can show you a dog and a glowy thing, and it can make you shriek in terror because the ramifications are that. fucking. exquisite.
And then Act 5 ends with [S] Cascade, which is simultaneously your final exam and reward. You have been again slowly, patiently taught what feels like an entire language, and for your time and attention, the story gives you a spectacle that
I literally cannot even put into words for you. If I sat you down and showed you, the uninitiated, [S] Cascade, it would be just visual noise. (Honestly, wanna watch it? Go for it. You will not understand what is happening but the music fucks. Enjoy the spectacle.) But if you reached that point organically, it's a fucking present that genuinely, truly wants to reward you for your effort.
So my point is this: the time put into reading this fucking monstrosity of a story is rewarded in a way that no other piece of media has ever rewarded me. I have never so thoroughly felt like I was being given something by a story as thanks for my time.
Also its funny. Also the art can be incredible. Also the music is NOTHING BUT THE FUCKING HITS. Also the gay delight of Rose and Kanaya's conversations in Act 5 Act 2 is unprecedented. Also when you find out why Karkat is talking to John backwards you're going to die. Also Almost Everyone Is Queer and they are all really complex, deep characters, even many of the ones they tried to just make a joke. Also if you're a good person you deserve to experience [S] Synchronize/Unite. Also the slow slow slow slow fucking burn of the story of Dave Strider will fuck you up. Also Jake English is one of the greatest, most complicated, incredible characters ever rendered in fiction. Also you will want to know what your classpect is.
Also there's a lesbian vampire alien who uses a chainsaw that turns into lipstick when not in use. She hooks up with a snooty, hilarious know it all witch girl who's handle is literally tentacleTherapist. Come on.
Whomstve is good. Give it a shot. I'll have fic for you after you're done.
Wait wait a minute wait, wtf does [S] mean?
Oh. Sound. It means the page has sound. Usually it means there's an animation.
Not that you should be looking to Andrew Hussie for advice on things, but he’s officially endorsing pirating his comic because the Homestuck website is utterly broken. The Unofficial Collection is now Officially Official
Sorry but i have to butt in with the wording choice here. The unofficial collection is not “pirating homestuck” - Homestuck is a webcomic. Homestuck is free to read. Homestuck is free.
The only thing Viz has hold of are publishing and marketing rights, and we all know they’ve been leeching on the property while doing nothing to aid the upkeep of the site they legally promised to manage. It’s a corporation interested only in whatever is the most profitable at the time — that being recent manga releases, not archiving webcomics from the 2010’s they purchased to turn into print books. It fucking sucks. And I’ve already said this before: it would be all the more beneficial to Viz if people had to buy the books to read Homestuck.
The flashes were never converted into anything but shitty blurred YouTube videos, I don’t even know if most of the games are still playable, and *I* was one of the people to point out the search function was randomly breaking the site, which led to the screencapped post. (You got an error trying to reach pages from google, and also from trying to search pages with the in-site engine. I still don’t fucking know what’s up with that.)
The unofficial HS collection is a community effort to emulate and preserve the way Homestuck was meant to be read before it got mishandled by a disinterested corpo board. Hussie isn’t a Viz manager and this isn’t the first time they’ve acknowledged the company’s fuck-ups - just recently a bunch of minor gifs and icons used in the comic were broken and they had those fixed. It’s kinda silly to act like we’re not watching an author with little control over their work wrestle with people who don’t care to keep it online in real time.
Anyway, go torrent the homestuck collection. It has a reward-unlocking system for new readers (it keeps extra content like paradox space out of sight until you reach the point where they were released in the story) all the music albums, track covers, and occasional composer commentary too. You can adjust the comic’s font, line spacing, site theme & play all the flashes in-app. There’s a bookmark function. It’s pretty good.
so the thing is that i became discouraged from doing this when the website first got fucked up overhauled and changed all the page numbers which made my work completely obsolete.
however now the website is completely unusable and the only way to read homestuck is via the fanmade compilation app--which i hear is going to have a browser version?
i do have a lot of warnings written up and not posted, and publishing those is the least i can do if someone can confirm whether the fan restoration project abides by the original page numbers?
Full page descriptions for all pages in section 14 with flashing images under the cut! Warnings for ableism, including the r slur, urophobia, and torture in this post. Trigger warnings by page for this section are in [link: this] post!
3259: In a future settled askance of the present...
A blue beam lances through the sky, cutting off the head of the frog atop the frog temple.
3262: A missile flies through the sky, leaving a trail of smoke.
Panel 2: WV flies through the air as the result of an explosion; Serenity blinks rapidly.
Panel 3: WV lands on his butt, his cans scattering everywhere. The pumpkin lands opening-down on his head like a hat with a FLOP.
Panel 4: AR’s crosshairs focus on WV.
3264: AR looks to the side.
Panel 2: PM lunges with a sword, her hat flying off.
3265: WV seems to panic, waving his meterstick-knife and frantically flailing back and forth. AR thrashes on the ground beneath PM, who holds him down on her knees. Serenity blinks frantically
3271: Jade begins to tilt back and forth, her eyes narrowed. She leans forward just a bit, then the JENGA logo flashes and she topples asleep, sending all of her items everywhere. Fertilizer gets all over and the squiddles land on her head.
3287: Jade turns around as Bec appears in a flash of green.
Narration: OH NO BUSTED.
The jig is up.
3288: Bec flashes and turns into a Bec-shaped cutout of Jade’s room, which then expands and takes over the whole image so Jade is standing alone on her bed.
Narration: You are returned to your bedroom without the rest of your loot. You doubt you'll have time to go back and get it. You guess you have inadvertently left your own time capsule there for whatever party may find it in the future. Lucky bastards!
3300: Dave types on his phone as Jade tries to place the cruxtruder. The wires on the floor flash red.
TG: hey wait
GG: these darn birds are in the way!
GG: what are they doing in your apartment anyway!!!
GG: also they are adorable
TG: i always keep birds in here its sort of my thing
GG: ohhhhhhh
GG: kind of like all those silly naked puppets are your bros thing?
TG: no no thats irony this is like
TG: sincere honest to god psychosis
TG: im training to be a lame gothy supervillain
GG: also i think i cant put it down because of the wires on the floor.....
TG: ok
TG: well maybe you should take the opportunity to put it somewhere that isnt stone cold r******d
GG: i wish i played more games
GG: this is hard!!!!
TG: no its not
GG: :P
3307: The loading screen is a map of the Incipisphere, with Skaia in the middle and a set of gates leading to the Land of Wind and Shade, Prospit by Skaia, and Derse far away from it. Then another set of gates and a planet appear, and we zoom in on it.
We travel across a glimmering sea with yellow flashing clouds raining colorful water into the sea, and white islands between. The words LAND OF LIGHT AND RAIN appear.
We zoom past this sea from a different angle, then see a larger one of these islands, with pink ruins and bricks set into it, along with
Rose stands in the rain, her headband, eyes, and squid symbol flashing.
We see what remains of Zazzerpan’s statue in the sand, then focus on Rose and zoom out to see her house in the land.
3332: Have a look around, Rose.
Rose scampers up the stairs from the roof into the observatory.
Panel 2: Rose looks out the window of the observatory, where light is shining in.
3333: You have much to discover.
Rose presses her hands against the glass and stares out into the flashing light beyond.
3334: John: Go over the river and through the woods.
John stands in front of the trees holding a wrinklefucker. Orange light flashes on him.
3335: A little salamander village, with three panicking salamanders. There are various imps, and a copper giclops, a large creature with one eye, an underbite, and spikes; plus two tar basilisks, black six-legged lizards with large mouths and forked tongues. All the underlings are dressed in jester clothes. One tar basilisk is breathing fire and has lit several roofs on fire.
3337: the toilet falls through the ceiling and hits the top of the cruxtruder and falls to the floor with a SLOP, scattering water everywhere. A small red exclamation point appears above Dave’s head. The cruxtruder now reads a countdown at 4:13.
3338: Dave looks agitated, posisbly shouting, as he types on his iPhone. Various crows have settled on the toilet. The kernelsprite has risen above the cruxtruder, flashing orange, black, and white.
TG: this is the worst shitting thing ive ever seen
TG: the thing that just happened
GG: hi dave!!!!
TG: jesus
TG: and the worst thing is
TG: all that juice i drank
TG: i mean
TG: you just HAD TO FIGURE all that juice was going to come back to haunt me
TG: like frankensteins incontinent fucking ghost
TG: it was like
TG: chekhovs juice
GG: hehehe what??
TG: let me be perfectly clear
TG: what i am trying to say is
TG: its like fucking christmas up in my bladder here
TG: and where do i find my toilet
TG: oh look here it is
TG: amputated in my room
TG: gagged with a towel like a fucking prison hostage
TG: and now the cruxploder is counting down
TG: 4 hours oh i guess thats not that bad
GG: 4 hours until what?
TG: what
TG: oh god
TG: are you asleep
3346: Jade’s cursor puts the dead crow, sword and all, into the kernelsprite, which flashes and covers the room in orange.
3347: Dave shouts at the kernelsprite, which floats above the cruxtruder, now the image of a bird head with a sword through it. The crows in the apartment fidget.
TG: wow awesome
TG: so now i guess instead having of a wise or helpful spirit guide sprite thing
TG: im stuck with this brainless feathery asshole
GG: what do you mean i just brought the cute birdie back to life!!!
GG: isnt he great?
TG: we need to wake you up
TG: youre not very logical like this
TG: kind of dumb really
GG: gosh im SOOOO SOOOORRY!!!!!!!!
GG: i was tired!
TG: yeah but come on you sleep like 20 hours a day
GG: well you are out of luck.....
GG: i will wake up when im good and ready!
3350: WV and AR sit on rocks with the cookalizer and refrigerator, Serenity blinking on the head of WV who is eating broccoli and lettuce. AR is eating a steak and some kind of poultry. The little happy fruits vibrate at the bottom of the screen. Each carapacian has a can of Tab, and the squiddle tangle buddies are sitting by AR. There is a pumpkin in the background.
3351: PM approaches WV and AR from behind, having left the station.
Panel 2: A speech bubble above AR’s head contains PM and the tangle buddy squiddles rapidly flashing.
Full page descriptions for all pages in section 13 with flashing images!
Trigger warnings by page for this section are [link: here].
3173: [I] SS: Occam's Razor. Crowbar's head. Make it hapen.
Spades throws the razor at Crowbar, who deflects with his crowbar. The razor turns into a card and embeds itself into Sawbuck’s head as it bounces off. Everyone appears in the colorful wasteland, where in the distance Spades Slick as a wanderer is visible.
Narration: Crowbar deflects the KING OF SPADES into Sawbuck's unmissable carriage. You jump far into the past.
3177: [I] SS: Just go stab Sawbuck until the time shenanigans stop
Spades holds a card, and when Sawbuck turns around, it turns into a switchblade and Spades slices him across the face, leaving an enormous bloody scar. Sawbuck closes his eyes and grimaces in pain.
You treat him to a bit of the old BAIT AND SWITCHBLADE.
You appear in the future. You guess this is after the gunfight is over. The gunfight that never took place since you killed/kidnapped everyone who was supposed to be involved. Looks like only Boxcars is here.
3182: [I] ==> Crowbar shoots Spades with a BLAM and Spades deflects it with his horse hitcher, which makes a DEFLECT sound effect. The gunfire deflects into Sawbuck, and all the clocks straighten themselves, the blood and Stitch disappear, and another Sawbuck appears unharmed in the background.
Narration: You deflect his gunfire into the awesome gravitational pull of Sawbuck's astonishing girth.
Everybody into the past!
3183: [I] ==>
Spades and the injured Sawbuck dodge out of the way as the uninjured Sawbuck and Crowbar draw their weapons at each other. There is a twin BLAM as they fire at each other, then they both disappear, each peppered with bullets.
Narration: You dodge his next round too.
It seems Sawbuck from this timeline (i.e. the "real" Sawbuck) was in this room at this point in time. He and Crowbar exchange bullets. Off they go.
They no doubt go on to spend the rest of their ammunition peppering each other throughout the timeline, destroying all these clocks in the process between now and the present. You guess that explains the mess when you got here. Thank God you figured that out. You'd have surely lost sleep over it.
20/107 CLOCKS REDESTROYED. FOR THE FIRST TIME. EVENTUALLY... YOU KNOW WHAT, NEVER MIND.
3184: [I] SS: Take a moment to think up some time-based one-liners
Spades jams his sword into Sawbuck. We jump to a present where all the clocks are destroyed by bullets and there is more blood around. Another Spades Slick is in the corner, holding the doll and about to remove Crowbar’s pin.
Narration: Ok you think you got one.
Time travel sure can be a...
DOUBLE EDGED SWORD.
[sunglasses emoji]
Wait, that was awful. Really really bad. You're sure you can do better than that.
3189: [I] PSS: Be Future Spades Slick.
Spades stabs Sawbuck with the Butterfly Effect Knife and the room transforms into a huge mess of blood. All the clocks are destroyed in horrible bloody ruins. Crowbar’s head is on the floor, as is face-scarred Sawbuck’s. Another Sawbuck head is on Crowbar’s body.
Narration: Being your future self is a lot more constructive because you get to do stuff you haven't already done.
Looks like you're in the future. It's a bloody mess in here. The clocks are more bullet-riddled than ever. And it seems Crowbar and both Sawbucks have been decapitated. You're almost certain this is something you will be, or were already, responsible for. Which of course means more time traveling.
Looks like the tub and chest are gone. Which means future-you must have packed up and left already. Got to take note of these sorts of things so you know where you are in the timeline.
You notice something on the wall over there...
3191: [I] SS: Quickly remove lance from Sawbuck.
Spades pulls the cigarette holder out of Sawbuck’s chest, which becomes a lance. The background changes to a slightly less horrible bloody mess. Sawsbuck is now in the Wrathtub with Stitch. There is a deck of cards at Spades’s feet.
Narration: You pry the CIGARETTE HOLDER from his torso. Whoops, another time jump.
This tub of goo keeps going for his gun. Widebody's gotta settle his big ass down.
You really should incapacitate him without inflicting another wound.
3195: [I] ==>
Crowbar and Sawbuck appear, injured and shooting at each other, and Spades slices off their and the face-sliced Sawbuck’s heads all in one slice with his sword.
Narration: Hate to chop all of your heads off with this sword. Real sorry about that. My bad.
You slay them all with your RAPIER WIT.
3214: [I] ==>
All the Eggs and Biscuitses disappear. The midnight crew stand alone in the safe room, Spades standing over the broken clock with the crowbar. The remaining Eggs, Biscuits, and oven are unharmed.
3215: [I] HB: Attempt to eat Eggs.
Hearts opens his mouth to an absurd monstrous width and fixes it around Eggs’s whole head. He bites it off and leaves a bloody stump.
Narration: Your attempt was an overwhelming success.
3223: [I] ==>
Clover’s eyes boggle and he holds up his hands. A tiny green exclamation point flashes.
Narration: Clover insists that you reconsider! Using that to pry open the vault would be EVER so much bad luck! Like breaking a thousand mirrors all at once! The sort of mirrors that tick and have numbers and tell time and stuff. That is the worst kind of mirror to break, luckwise.
3230: [I] ==>
Cans plows through the wall Kool-Aid Man style.
Narration: All of a sudden Cans plows through the wall Kool-Aid Man style.
3231: [I] DD: Resist urge to shout "Oh Yeah!”
Cans plows in with an apparent shout and punches Droog off the screen with the sound effect “CLOCK”.
Narration (in red italics): Oh No!
3233: [I] HB: Use Eggs' body as bait for Cans.
The words “BATTLE TECHNIQUE” flash in orange, red, and yellow.
Panel 2: HB throws Eggs’s body, with the words “TORSO FLAIL” flashing similarly.
Narration: You flail the torso Cans-ward in an attempt to placate him with the red meat.
3236: [I] SS: Ignore him and just pry the safe open.
Jack begins the attempt to pry open the safe with the crowbar. Purple lightning flashes everywhere. Clover does a little jig of terror. Cans looks around at Spades.
Narration: You don't care what the consequences are. You're going to crack open this safe and be done with it.
This whole intermission was starting to get a little punchy anyway.
3237: [I] ==>
The safe opens. The mansion is in ruins, with plumes of smoke coming from it and apparently fire in the distance.
Panel 2: Everyone is crossed off, except Sn0wman.
Panel 3: The Midnight Crew is all crossed off, except for Spades.
The massive release of temporal distortion from the vault transports you to a highly unfavorable timeline. Looks like the entire mansion was leveled, except for the vault and its enclosure. Everyone's dead except for you and you know who.
But at least the safe's open.
1000/1000 CLOCKS DESTROYED
14/15 GREEN TORSOS DEAD
3/4 BLACK SCOFFLAWS OFFED
3242: [I] SS: Get on with it.
Spades holds the card up, then a gun shoots a burning hole through it. Spades looks back toward the source, his mouth falling open, a question mark appearing by his face.
3246: Sn0wman’s whip wraps around Spades’s wrist, holding up her cigarette holder. With a BANG, she pulls off his arm. He grimaces in pain.
Section 13 starts at page 003168 [link: here] and ends at page 003257 [link: here]. This covers the rest of the intermission and ends at the start of act 4!
Trigger warnings by page under the cut.
Image descriptions for this section are [link: here]!
3170: blood
3171: blood, character death
3172: fat shaming, razors, swords
3173: flashing image
3175: violence
3176: fat shaming
3177: blood, violence, flashing image
3178: ableism, fat shaming
3180: ableist language
3182: flashing image, gunfire
3183: blood, gunfire, flashing image
3185: fat shaming
3189: flashing image, LOTS OF blood, dismemberment, decapitation
3191: fat shaming
3195: decapitation, character death
3198: blood
3210: impalement
3214: flashing image
3215: gore, cannibalism, blood, decapitation, character death
Full page descriptions for all pages with flashing images in section 12! Trigger warnings by page for this section are [link: here].
3090: [I] SS: Wear backup hat.
Die appears in a flash of light, holding a voodoo doll with four pins in it. Spades looks over at him.
Panel 2: Die blinks in surprise and confusion.
Narration: Die makes his usual sort of entrance. The nonplussed, vaguely bewildered sort.
3102: [I] ==>
The WHOP sound effect with a red star behind it appears on Droog’s face and he waves a cue stick in every direction.
Narration: Suddenly you get coldcocked in the face from the future.
You'd know the knuckles belonging to that suckerpunch anywhere.
3109: [I] ==>
Clubs Deuce goes in every direction while the cane flips over him and a bull flashes in the background. The words “BULL PENIS CANE” flash in small text above him.
Narration: You flip the fuck out over the fact that this is apparently a BULL PENIS CANE.
3115: [I] ==>
Die shoves the spade pin into the voodoo doll. In a flash he is in a colorful wasteland of rock and sand. In the sky there is a pink moon with a smaller pink moon around it, and a planet tinted green. Die looks terribly confused.
Narration: How many times does he have to tell you. He made this town.
3124: [I] ==>
The orange oven makes a BZZZZZ noise and Biscuits appears out of it in a flash of light. HB watches irritably.
Narration: Ugh, there he is.
This idiot thinks his special oven transports him into the future by the amount he sets on the timer. Well, he's sort of right. But in reality, all that's happening is that he's hiding in there until the timer's up, then pops out.
You guess he's relatively harmless if he's alone. You can take him. What you really have to worry about is if he teams up with...
Oh no. That ringing. That godawful ringing. You can hear it…
3125: [I] ==>
Three of Eggs appear, each holding a purple timer making a RIIIng noise. The first appears normal; the second is bleeding from the mouth and has his eye shut, is holding a war axe and is wearing HB’s hat. The third Eggs is holding Biscuits’s oven and is bleeding slightly less badly, but his hat is ripped up.
Narration: Eggs.
Son of a FUCK.
You might as well just grab one of your axes and kill yourself now.
3131: [I] ==>
Droog pulls out his cue stick and smacks Fin, who briefly appears and staggers back, then disappears again.
Narration: NOW.
3137: [I] SS: Help the green man live up to his name.
Die pulls the spades pin out of his doll and the wasteland disappears. He reappears in the mansion, where Spades pulls out a knife and slits his throat.
3153: [I] ==>
In a workshop with lots of sewing equipment and, of course, clocks, Stitch, with two pins in his mouth, scowls at a very long green coat on a mannequin. The lapels are all flashing different colors, and also flashing are various patches. The coat is torn in quite a few places. Behind Stitch is a mannequin with a purple hat.
Narration: Stitch mutters to himself in his shop. He guesses Eggs and Biscuits are roughhousing again, because the fabric of spacetime is tearing something fierce on Lord English's CAIRO OVERCOAT. This sort of thing is exactly why he keeps a BACKUP COAT, and always leaves Stitch with one of them.
Any gang does well to have an in-house doctor on hand. But if you deal in time travel you better have a damn good tailor too.
3157: [I] ==>
Fin falls dead on the floor. His effigy bursts into smoke.
Panel 2: Spades places the orange pin in the doll.
Panel 3: A red X flashes over Fin in the Felt roster.
Narration: Death.
8/15 GREEN TORSOS DEAD
3162: [I] HB: Prod idiots with Red Cheeks.
HB is assaulted with a line of ovens all flashing with a BZZZZZ sound effect. Lines of Eggs flash by, each holding a timer and Red Cheeks magazine.
Narration: This predictably accomplished nothing!
Taking your smut out of hiding turned out to be a very bad idea. Now copies from the future are appearing left and right and these clowns have their paws all over it.
SLICK WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU
3167: [S] [I] ==>
A black circle forms at the center of the screen, then turns into an 8 ball. The screen pans up the Midnight Crew and Felt in a shootout, up the stairs, where a shadowy woman in green appears, the stairway turning black. She descends the stairs, holding out a cigarette in a holder. She flashes in and out of view a couple times, until she stands in the middle of where the gunplay was happening.
A box appears at the bottom of the screen, reading “HOLD STILL, SLICK.” It appears to be in type. There is a flash of Clubs, Boxcars, Droog, and then Slick, who narrows his eyes and scowls up at her. We pan up on an image of Sn0wman, who holds her cigarette holder and appears to be smirking. The text box that shows up again says “SOMETHING IN YOUR EYE.”
The next shot has the pointy end of her cigarette holder embedded in Slick’s eye, spattering blood on his face, and her hand retreating. The background flashes purple and red. Slick opens and closes his mouth, perhaps in pain. Sn0wman, now smoking her cigarette plain, walks away and disappears. The flash fades to a black spade, which replaces the usual playback triangle.
Section 12 starts on page 003054 [link: here] and ends on page 003167 [link: here; if you watch the flash all the way through it contains blood, eye trauma, a flashing image, and shooting].
This section covers a little more than half of the intermission! Try to go in with as few expectations as possible, and be aware that the humor style is more like Problem Sleuth than the rest of Homestuck. Don’t give up if it’s not what you wanted out of the story at this point!
I won’t tell you not to skip the intermission (I personally don’t see why you would; I love it), but do at least come back and read it by the time you get to Doc Scratch and Spades Slick appears, in act 5. I’ll let you know when we get there ;)
Trigger warnings by page are under the cut! Image descriptions for this section are [link: here].
3055: fire, blood ment
3064: food
3065: ableist language
3066: smoking
3067: coprophobia
3076: ableism, animal death
3088: character death
3089: blood
3090: food
3091: flashing image, racism probably, scopophobia, blank eyes up close,
3094: food
3098: blood, threats
3102: flashing image, violence
3107: ableist language
3108: penis talk
3109: penis talk, flashing image, animals
3112: blood
3113: violence
3115: flashing image
3120: food, cannibalism, eye trauma
3121: sex talk i guess???
3124: flashing image
3125: flashing images, blood, suicide ment
3128: teeth, blood
3131: flashing image
3132: shooting
3133: ableist language
3137: flashing image, character death, blood, knives, neck trauma
3140: fire
3146: explosions, character death
3147: blood loss mention
3153: flashing image, hanging imagery
3156: hanging imagery, blood
3157: character death, flashing image, hanging imagery, smoke.
Under the cut! Trigger guide for the section in which it appears is [link: here]. Image descriptions for said section are [link: here].
3049: [S] Enter.
The loading screen is the Sburb logo on fire in the middle of a rainstorm. It turns back to the green logo in a speech bubble on Rose’s computer, as we see her room, then shift to Dave’s room, where his computer is showing a speech bubble with a spirograph inside. He has apple juice on his desk.
We go to the loading screen of Sburb, a morphing spirograph with a loading bar underneath and a list of silly loading actions a la The Sims.
We shift to a view of Dave’s sunglasses reflecting the loading screen, which then becomes a smaller image drifting on the side of the screen as Dave pops open his apple juice. The larger background image shifts to Rose waiting at her computer with her head in her hand, Mutie now awake at her side. More smaller images appear on the background, one of Dave drinking apple juice with a straw, one of Jade approaching the frog temple, and one of John holding up the wrinklefucker.
We zoom in again on Dave’s sunglasses and the reflection of his computer and a bit of the loading screen, then we see Jade looking up at and then running into the temple. The loading screen again, then Dave minimizes the window and draws Hella Jeff in MS Paint.
Small images appear at the corners of the screen, one of Dave’s hand moving the mouse, one of Jade in the temple. The larger picture turns to Dave’s face as a smaller picture shows Hella Jeff. The larger picture shows Rose moving her yarn ball to play with Mutie, then we zoom in on Hella Jeff again.
We zoom in on the last small picture, Jade in the temple, and see her dashing across the ‘elevator’ pad as the Sburb loading screen takes up the background. Jade looks up at what appears to be a giant flower, still unopened. We see a shot of the loading screen, then Rose’s computer shining in her face, with Mutie back asleep. The shot quickly zooms out the window, where the woods are on fire, the background replaced by the Sburb loading screen. We fade to black, then see the logo words SBURB.
The next shot is of meteors hailing from a starry night sky. A good portion of Rose’s house is entirely destroyed in a flash. Rose looks agitated as Dave moves her bed with his cursor and throws it outside into the flames. Rose looks resentful as Dave places the Totem Lathe where her bed was.
The cursor goes to place the Cruxtruder in the observatory. Rose stands at the window and has a speech bubble with Dave’s face inside and question marks on either side. Dave places the Cruxtruder and Rose runs up to it, still looking aggravated.
The Cruxtruder splits the screen and then goes fully to a screen of Jade standing next to the remarkably similar-looking pedestal with the flower on it, which has a timer on it at 4:25, though it appears to have been counting down for millennia. Dave’s cursor places the alchemiter on top of Rose’s roof, and Rose at the window looks deeply annoyed; an image of her banging on the wall floats up the screen while the word STRIIIIIIDEEEERRRRRRRR!!!!! scrolls across the bottom.
A door appears on the side of the observatory, and as we zoom out it appears Dave has made stairs down to the roof where the Alchemiter is. His cursor picks up the statue of Zazzerpan and opens the Cruxtruder with it, then hurls it into the flames, where its hand breaks off. Then a fiery tornado appears to the south of the building.
Rose’s kernelsprite appears and a cruxite dowel, as well. The timer is at 4:13. We shift to Jade, asleep by the flower, which also reads 4:13. Rose runs to her room and the totem lathe as Dave’s cursor gives her the punch card for her cruxite artifact. The tornado carries bits of Zazzerpan’s statue around in its wake. Dave puts the carved totem on the alchemiter, and Rose throws Jaspers into the kernelsprite, which takes on the shape of a cat face.
Meanwhile the alchemiter produces a purple wine rack, and a wine bottle which is Rose’s artifact. The wine rack swiftly disappears. We see Zazzerpan’s hand fly across the sky, and Rose looking up at it, then down at her feet; the picture zooms out to show the whole thing was a reflection in a puddle at Rose’s feet. Several raindrops fall in the puddle, each making a fiery ripple.
Dave’s cursor approaches the princess doll, and Zazzerpan’s hand knocks the wine bottle off the alchemiter. It flies through the air and into the water rushing below Rose’s house. Rose looks at it with a determined face, and we switch to Nanna, who inscribes a large copy of Sassacre’s with her eye beams, with the message to John we saw before Act 3.
We see Dave’s room, which many crows have entered through the window. Dave runs around, away from his computer, attempting to fend them off. Rose smirks; she then runs toward the waterfall at the end of her house and jumps the fuck off the roof like an incredible badass. Nanna drops the copy of Sassacre’s into the clouds below John’s house.
Rose falls toward the bottle. We see her hand approach the bottle and a brief shot of what lies below the clouds--apparently a black river and a blue land—as the Sassacre copy falls below it. Rose catches the bottle and is caught by a purple tentacle from nowhere, which flings her up into the air again so she lands safely on the roof. Rose looks up and smiles, seeing a kernelsprite prototyped with both Jaspers and the princess doll, and bearing traits of each, but mostly long tentacles to catch her with.
We see the Cruxtruder and the flower again, which are down to 19 seconds. The flower releases a glowing orb with a spirograph inside; Jade looks up at it. There are two countdowns at the top of the screen, both at 0:18. Meteors fall from the sky and the spirograph morphs on the screen; Rose determinedly brandishes her bottle, then looks up at Jaspersprite briefly. Dave types on his computer, now surrounded by pacified crows.
Meteors continue to fall; there is a shot of the orb in the flower; Rose goes to smash the wine bottle; we see shots of Dave and Jade’s faces; we see WV’s station taking off in reverse, revealing that it was once the cork in a huge wine bottle imbedded in the sand. Fire tornados continue to rush around; Rose smashes her wine bottle against the floor, her house glows and disappears, and a meteor makes a crater where it was. The orb in the flower disappears, and creates two Sburb copies labelled with Dave’s name.
John looks up determinedly, wearing his new gear and covered in oil. He absolutely destroys a whole bunch of imps, dual wielding wrinklefuckers and wearing remote ghost gauntlets. He punches one imp wearing one of Dad’s hats off the roof; the ghost gauntlet punches an ogre. John captchalogues the hat, launching the Cosbytop out of his inventory and into an imp, which falls off the roof. John reaches the highest platform and does a spin in the air, then slams the wrinklefucker into the ground with a large BOING and shoots himself straight into the spirograph above his house, where he flashes suspended for a moment and then disappears into an orb of blue light.
Page descriptions for all pages with flashing images (except for 003049, [S]: Enter, which has its own post [link: here])! Trigger warnings for this section are [link: here].
2973: [S] Jade: Pester John.
A yellow moon floats in a cloudy sky as a loading screen. Then it fades to the moon of Prospit near Skaia. Jade begins talking to John from her dreamself’s keyboard. The minor moon of Prospit rotates closer to Skaia, which flashes white occasionally. Jade’s tower grows ever closer until it is almost entirely in Skaia.
We zoom in on Jade’s tower; clouds around it turn to space, then John holding the cruxite apple. We see Jade continue to type, and the screen splits to show her roboself typing for her. We zoom out to see the real tower, which turns out to be just an image juxtaposed on the dream tower by a passing cloud.
Another cloud shows John’s house in the Medium, then Rose’s house, on fire; Rose’s house in the snow; the tree growing from the remains of John’s house in the future; Dave’s house; just the shape of Bec’s head in cloud; the active volcano by Jade’s house; John’s head in cloud.
It’s unclear what happens next; the dream tower appears to be standing on rock near the active volcano, then we see a cloud with space and a spirograph portal in it launch a meteor, which turns to cloud when it exits the cloud image it is in. The meteor smashes into the rock by the volcano, making a crater with a mysterious light at the bottom.
Jade hears the impact and indicates to John that she heard an explosion. The crater by this time has filled with lava, and we see Bec emerge. Jade’s roboself tells John she will go outside and look, and Jade’s dreamself and roboself both go out near the volcano.
Jade looks surprised at the light with a spirograph in it in the lava; Jade’s roboself looks at the frog temple in the water. Jade tries to approach the light but Bec blocks her. Jade’s roboself is also blocked by Bec from going into the frog temple.
Jade goes back to talking to John on top of the dream tower. Meanwhile, John’s dream bedroom, covered with clown graffiti and with a harlequin imp doll on his bed, is empty. John is no longer sleeping there. We see John, his eyes still shut tight, floating near his dream tower, as Jade looks on. She begins to fly closer and John begins to blink his eyes open.
We see Skaia and Jade’s approach, flashing between the previous flash where he saw clouds turn into things important to him, such as Dad’s face and the cake. The girl’s silhouette he saw is now Jade, of course, and the silhouette flickers to her dreamself, but just as she finally approaches, both Jade and John’s real selves wake up, simultaneously shaking their heads.
Narration includes these two pesterlogs:
http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=002069
http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=002193
2976: ==>
There is a picture of Jade’s island, with the frog temple at the center.
[Panel 2] Bec sleeps in the grand foyer, while Jade’s Grandpa is silhouetted by a raging fire.
Narration: Bec has never allowed you to enter the MYSTIC RUINS for reasons you never understood. You always assumed it was on account of your protection. But your dream has strongly suggested to you that is where you need to go now!
Since your DREAMBOT is secured in its chamber and does not need to be looked after, Bec is taking a nap in the GRAND FOYER as he usually does. Perhaps you can take advantage of this and sneak out of the house another way?
2985: Dave: Eject your modus and set it to Scrabble values.
Dave selects ‘eject’ on his modus, and everything goes flying everywhere, scattering all the birds. The swords slice up the smuppets. Dave catches his phone.
[Panel 2] Dave selects the hash function where each letter is a different value, Scrabble style.
Narration: You dump all this crap all over the roof.
You then set your modus to the SCRABBLE HASH FUNCTION for some reason. This function always makes it a little less intuitive to calculate hash values for items, and therefore more cumbersome to rap with. But you guess that's kind of a moot point now that your BRO flew off fuck knows where. His mysterious ways transcend irony once again.
2988: ==>
Rose stands on her bed staring out her window, out of which is only visible the tree and fire.
Panel 2: Dave pesters her on her computer while Mutie sleeps.
Narration: You have finally finished your building project. You have done about all you can do for John. You don't think you can provide much assistance against all those ogres this time, but at least now John appears to be armed to the teeth.
All there is left to do is wait for Dave.
2989: Rose: Captchalogue and send John code for his present.
Rose stands in front of the purple package. There is still fire outside the window.
Narration: That would certainly hasten the parcel's delivery, but the gift is not finished yet!
You have spent months accelerating your knitting skills to be able to make the gift of perfect sentimental appeal. You even incorporated a cherished heirloom you have had as long as you can remember.
When he sees your staggering gesture of sentimentality he will finally understand. He will understand that in the game of facetious sentimental gestures, no one gets the best of Rose Lalonde.
2993: Rose: Answer.
We see Rose’s computer, which instead of the pretty octopus lady, at this point in the past is a distressing picture of a purple octopus-faced monster attacking a city. In the TROLLSLUM, the username grimAuxiliatrix flashes, its face rancorous.
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --
GA: Why Is It That When The Subject Of Temporal Mechanics Is Broached Your Sparing Human Intellects Instantly Assume The Most Ingratiating Posture Of Surrender Imaginable
GA: Time Is Not That Difficult To Understand
GA: It Is A Utility That A Universe May Resort To In Order To Advance A Desired Degree Of Complexity
GA: Or May Not Resort To If That Is The Case
GA: Its All Pretty Pedestrian
GA: But No
GA: When Time Travel Comes Up You Present The Face That A Man Shows When The Breeze Gradually Alerts Him To His Absence Of Netherdressings
GA: I Dont See How We Are To Properly Agitate You All If You Continue To Insist On Failing To Understand Basic Concepts Which Common Infants Effortlessly Manage To Describe Via Scrawlings In Their Own Puddles Of Sloppy Discharge
TT: Have we spoken before?
GA: Yes
GA: In The Future
TT: You and your friends never cease to invent ways to strengthen the credibility of your assertions.
GA: Oh My It Is Your Human Sarcasm Again
GA: I Enjoy Listening To It And I Wish Doing So Could Serve As My Primary Form Of Recreation
GA: There See I Just Did It Too
GA: Saying The Opposite Thing To Emphasize My Contempt
GA: But Suddenly I Feel More Primitive And Hate Myself A Little More
GA: It Was Like This Funny Miracle That Just Happened In My Heart
TT: I would admire the sophistication of you and your fellow future-dwellers a little more if you seemed to be aware the word "human" only functions as that sort of adjective in bad science fiction.
TT: But I won't be rude and change the subject.
TT: There's a still a bit of unflagellated straw poking out of your rhetorical effigy over here.
GA: Oh Dear
GA: No We Arent From "The Future"
GA: But We Are All Already In Agreement That You Dont Get It And Never Will
TT: I thought you said we spoke in the future.
GA: We Did
GA: Your Future
GA: For Me It Was Only A Couple Minutes Ago
TT: I understand.
TT: You exist in some temporal stratum through which you have communication access to various points of my timeline.
TT: It's not that complicated.
GA: Yes Thats Right
GA: Will You Try To Talk Some Sense Into Your Idiot Friends
GA: So That We May Proceed To Bother Them All On More Rational Terms
TT: I try to every day, with mixed results.
TT: But you see, it's not that I don't understand you.
TT: It's just that I don't believe you.
TT: Because it's nonsense.
TT: Albeit persistent and coordinated nonsense.
TT: Why would a bunch of temporally dislocated trolls want to harass a group of friends throughout completely random points in time?
GA: I Will Admit This Campaign Of Provocation Wasnt All That Well Thought Out
GA: Dont Tell Anyone I Said That
TT: Alright.
TT: Maybe you should get some trolling tips from us humans.
TT: Our sparing intellects are probably better suited to it.
GA: Yeah Maybe
GA: Why Dont We Be Friends
TT: You want to be my friend?
GA: I Think So
GA: I Think Were Supposed To
GA: You Suggested As Much Earlier
TT: You mean I did in the future?
GA: Yes A Couple Minutes Ago
TT: Probably because I remembered you mentioning it in the conversation we're having now?
GA: Thats Likely
TT: Hmm.
TT: Your commitment to this roleplaying scenario is intriguing.
TT: What choice do I have but to accept?
3018: ==>
An explosion occurs low on the remaining temple tower.
Panel 2: This panel is drawn crudely. The tower falls over and lands with a LAND! sound effect that shakes the whole image. WV and PM throw up their hands in surprise.
Narration: Oh no!
3021: ==>
The reticle moves quickly from PM to the round station.
Panel 2: An explosion occurs in the side of the round station.
Narration: YOU ARE THE LAW WHOOPS
3025: ==> WV flails distractingly in the reticle.
Panel 2: a rocket shoots out of the frog temple with a SHOOOOO noise. It tracks smoke everywhere in a long winding trail that lands exploding the side of WV’s station.
Panel 3: WV goes flying in the flames and smoke, with Serenity blinking frantically.
3028: ==>
The box blurs and flashes as it is sendificated.
Panel 2: PM stands beside a successful SENDIFICATE message on the screen.
There is a transparent gif of the word ‘MAIL’ made up of a collage of envelopes and stamps.
3031: ==>
Grandpa Harley, alive at this point, holds an enormous gun that is shooting with a giant BLAM.
3037: WHOP
the word WHOP flashes in white over a red striped star background.
3038: ==>
Dad, standing in front of a safe outside his cell, punches Jack Noir with said WHOP effect.
Narration: You bear the vicious brunt of this story transition directly in the face.
You are getting really tired of this feisty man and his busy fists.
3040: ==>
Dad holds out a lighter and lights Jack’s hat on fire. Jack falls a few inches, one eye squinting closed and the other eye opening in surprise.
3048: Dave: Install beta.
Dave types away on the computer, which shows a speech bubble with a spirograph symbol inside.
Panel 2: Rose types in her own room, the speech bubble from her laptop showing the Sburb logo.
Section 11 starts on page 002973 [link: here] and ends on page 003053 [link: here]. So ends act 3! This is a bit of a short section, but hopefully it won’t feel that way starting and ending with two large flashes.
Trigger warnings by page under the cut! Image descriptions for this section are [link: here]. The image description for [S] Enter. is [link: here].
Page descriptions for all pages with flashing images in section 10! Trigger warnings for this section are [link: here].
2879: [S] John: Mental breakdown.
Grist (Gushers?) pass by in the background, then a picture of John holding the box of Gushers and frowning fades in. Names of flavors pass by; “COOL FRUCTOSE MONSOON” in blue, “KIWI MANGO COLONIC RUSH” in green and orange, “WICKED WATERMELON GROIN INJURY” in pink and green. Purple Gushers are added to the background, spinning and going the opposite direction, and a picture of John sweatdropping and looking very distressed fades by as well.
The flavors continue: “MIXED BERRY SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER” in purple as a zoomed in picture of the box design takes over the background. Then John looks extremely distressed at the bottom of the screen while purple Grist fade by and the words “NEON GREEN ECTO-FACIAL BLAST” show in green, then “JAMMIN’ SOUR DIABETIC COMA” in yellow and blue, “WILD CHERRY APESHIT APOCALYPSE” in red, and “RANCH DRESSING RAMPAGE” in grey.
The screen zooms in on John’s face, then flashes the Betty Crocker logo with a background of flames, the Fruit Gushers logo in low quality, and then switches between those images until there is a record scratch and the flash ends with a screen showing the words “THIS IS STUPID” and John tilting his head back and forth and moving his arms, still holding the box.
2880: [S] Jade: Retrieve package.
There is a loading screen of flowers, then a dog silhouette emanating green lines.
Jade runs at the package, but rolls back and pulls out her rifle as Bec appears. The word “STRIFE!” appears onscreen. Lightning and flashes of green light cover the screen, coming from Bec; he occasionally blurs and flashes green and electric. The first option is >ARRAIGN, in purple; if clicked, you may aim a reticle at Bec and click again. Jade will shoot for his head with a BANG. The bullet glows red hot and dissolves into Bec’s face.
The next option says merely >AR, and if clicked grows into >ARSENALIZE. Jade runs up to Bec, then rolls back and takes aim, which again is up to the player to shoot. She shoots at his face, and Bec turns entirely into green flame, which then grows and takes up the screen. Jade tumbles and both she and Bec land on the bullet, apparently super-small now. The green flame fades into a blue speeding background, and we see the progress of the bullet across the island to one of the smaller islands around the rim. Bec turns to green flame and they both land on this island.
Jade takes aim again with >AR, which becomes >ARTILLERATE. She shoots and lightning takes over the screen, alternately flashing while Bec turns to starry space. The space takes over the screen and begins to blur faster in approach to the Milky Way, and then the Earth. Bec and Jade land on the frog’s head, Jade still spacey for a moment. The command this time is >AR, which turns to >ARMAMENTIFY. This time when Jade shoots we see various scenes, like Grandpa in front of the fire, Dave’s rooftop, Rose’s yard with the generator, parts of the island, John’s yard, the little girl’s room in Skaianet Labs, and then finally we return to the island with the package.
>AR this time just turns to >ARF. Jade goes to Bec’s side of the screen and aims away from him, and the screen reads “GO FETCH!” in yellow. The bullet speeds, and then Bec goes in front of it and waits patiently as the bullet slowly approaches him. Jade runs over and captchalogues the package. The bullet continues to slowly approach, then Bec opens his mouth and catches it.
Victorious music plays as he zooms back to Jade and drops it, and she gives him the steak and begins to clap. They both dance back and forth as the words “GOOD DOG” then “BEST FRIEND” appear. Jade hugs Bec and a little green heart appears. There are some crudely drawn pictures of Jade and Bec dancing while Grandpa, still dead, watches on.
2883: ==>
Jade sleeps in her bed while Bec watches. He then flashes and zooms off.
2884: Rose: Check self for any mixed atoms with cat.
Rose stands on a transportalizer with the kitten in a room that is slightly flickering red.
Nope, no mixed atoms. Looks like you and the kitty kept your genes to yourselves.
Your new kitty whose name is...
You'll think of one later.
Hey where the heck are you anyway?
2885: Rose: Look around room.
Rose stands in a room with shelves of alcohol and a bar, which the kitten is standing on, and of course the transportalizer. Outside the room, the fire continues to rage.
Narration: Oh, you're back home. The well-stocked bar and the vantage from the window tells you this is your MOM'S room. Or at least what you thought was her room.
You decide not to be especially melodramatic about this revelation.
2886: Rose: Watch the meteor impact.
Everything is on fire outside the window. The heavy clouds are flickering red. There are no more meteors falling, and the rain has stopped. Skaianet Laboratories is still visible in the distance.
Narration: Huh, that's funny. Shouldn't that place be unestablished by now?
The downpour of smaller meteors has stopped...
2887: ==>
In one big burst, the clouds are burst through by a meteor, which in a huge flash of light impacts on the laboratory and covers the screen in flame.
2890: Jade: Dream.
Jade continues to sleep in her bed while the little red orbs on her bedposts flicker.
2891: ==>
The red orbs on top of the safe in the room below Jade’s bedroom flicker, while the door vibrates.
2902: Rose: Flee room.
Rose sits at her desk in her room, on her laptop, which is plugged in to the hub. The kitten sits, looking content with its eyes closed, on her desk. She has discarded the pink scarf, which is burned.
Narration: At long last, you have returned to your bedroom with a stable power supply and internet connection.
VODKA MUTINI purrs at your side.
You SUPPOSE you will call it Mutie for short.
2916: WV: Take obvious course of action.
WV stands with the package at the top of the ship. Cable dangles over the side, with the pumpkin tied to the very end.
Panel 2: WV rappels down the ship with the package in one arm. Serenity flickers above him.
Narration: You tie all the cable together and carefully lower your precious PUMPKIN BINDLE.
You then rappel down the station with the PACKAGE, which must not leave your side.
2937: WV: Look behind you!
Serenity flashes behind WV, who blinks.
Panel 2: PM looks around, standing in front of the old Sburb logo on her station.
Narration: See? Over there.
2940: ==>
AR shoots at WV from the opening of the frog temple with BRAKKA BRAKKA noises. WV dances around as the bullets land near his feet. Serenity blinks frantically.
2968: John: Combine iron and pogo hammer.
In the Alchemy Excursus, we see the pogo hammer || Dad’s iron, which combine to make the WRINKLEFUCKER, which is a pogo hammer with irons for heads, at the cost of 55 build grist, 44 shale, and 66 oil.
Panel 2: John holds up the WRINKLEFUCKER triumphantly above his head, while the background flashes in grey, the word HISSSSSSSS shows behind him, and steam rises.
Narration: “You make the WRINKLEFUCKER.”
2970: [S] Dave: Strife!
Dave’s vinyl symbol turns as birds fly around it, then, spinning, takes up the whole screen. It disappears, leaving behind the burning sun background; buildings zoom past, meteors falling intermittently among them, and the words “FINAL ROUND” appear.
Dave appears at the ready on the rooftop, brandishing his katana. He runs past a few crows, which line the edge of the rooftop. We zoom to the left, and Bro lands on the rooftop, holding his own sword. We zoom out to see both of them, the vinyl symbol spins in the background, and the word “STRIFE!” appears.
We get a shot of Dave’s face, and he holds his katana up in front of him. We see Bro, whose glasses look up; he holds up his sword and his glasses flash. Then we see Li’l Cal, laughing, who crosses his arms. Dave begins to run at Bro, the background crackling in fire and electricity; Bro runs at Dave as well, and the background turns similarly dynamic.
Li’l Cal falls from the sky over a blue background as Bro flashsteps around him. The sides cut away and are replaced with a red background with dancing Cal faces. Bro and Dave jump at each other with Cal falling between them, and there’s a shot of many cuts, then the vinyl symbol, jaggedly cut in half.
Bro and Dave fall to each side, Bro still in control of his cut, Dave about to fall with his katana gone, Li’l Cal and the katana in pieces everywhere. The screen zooms in on the broken katana with the words “CHEAP PIECE OF SHIT”.
Dave has an epic fall and bounces across the rooftop, finally skidding to a halt as the music breaks. He lands among pieces of Cal and his katana, and two Sburb envelopes both labelled BRO land on top of his scratched-up body. Bro jumps on a cool red rocketboard painted with hot rod flames, and his silhouette flies off into the sky.
Page descriptions for all pages in section 9 with flashing images! Trigger guide for this section is [link: here].
2760: Rose: Look at that kiosk.
The kiosk screen reads SN_HUBGRID and has a set of coordinates. It shows a map of all the hubs with numbers designating each square. The whole screen flickers, and one single hub flickers green. There is a command input at the bottom of the screen, and the last input command says >unlock SN_LAB0413.
Narration: Looks like a mapping of each hub’s index.
It appears one of the hubs was recently unlocked.
2763: ==>
Jaspers disappears on the transportalizer in a flash of green. Rose grimaces.
Narration: Great, you just vaporized your dead cat. Oh well. Ashes to ashes you guess.
There's got to be a better way to deal with this lousy tree.
2771: [S] Dave: Abscond.
Cal continues to flail on Dave, puppeteered by Bro. Cal’s face alternately flashes, taking up the entire screen. The word >ABSCOND flashes in pink. If selected, Dave rolls from under Cal and tries to run off the screen, but the option is sliced in half and Dave must retreat to the left of the screen as Bro’s silhouette appears with the words “CAN’T ABSCOND, BRO!” The music starts, Bro appears out of silhouette, and the words “ROUND 2” appear.
Bro points at Dave, then gives a thumbs-down. Dave holds up a smuppet head and draws an imaginary line in yellow across his neck. Cal’s face flashes, and then the word “STRIFE!” appears as the brothers’ swords clash.
There’s a bunch of fuckin swordfighting idk what to tell you here. Bro occasionally kicks Dave into the air or down to the ground in between the fuckin sweet swordplay. They both flashstep a lot. Eventually Bro’s silhouette fades in and Bro appears and grabs Dave by the neck, throws him, bounces him off his elbow far to the right and up into the air, and kicks him with Cal when he lands, all the way into the hallway leading down from the roof.
Repeating sequence: Dave falls down the stairs and Hella Jeff appears with the text “I WARNED YOU ABOUT STAIRS BRO!!!!” The direction then reverses and Hella Jeff again appears, saying “I TOLD YOU DOG!"
2779: [S] Rose: Ascend.
The flash starts with a shaking image of imps in John’s messy living room. The navigation, if clicked, goes up a floor, then zooms out to the alchemiter, then to the left by the tree, then into John’s room, then up to the roof, then, finally, up to where the action is.
John is smashing his pogo hammer from side to side between the ogres, in a green background that becomes filled with Slimers. John spins up into the air, smashing the ogre on the right; the ogre on the left aims with the tire swing, but is interrupted by a damaging blue beam of light, which after a pan to the left is revealed to be from Nannasprite’s eyes.
Panning upward, Rose’s cursor drops a fridge on the right ogre, but the ogre catches it and hits John with it. John goes flying but is caught in a glowing blue oven supplied by Nanna’s eyebeams. She throws it up in the air and John bursts out, spinning again, and deals a massive hit in a burst of green to the leftmost ogre, then bouncing back into the air.
Nannasprite drops various ghostly house appliances on the rightmost ogre, and then Rose raises the alchemiter into the air, turns it upside down, and John spins up onto it and hits it, bouncing off again with a massive BOING. He spins down and hits the right ogre, which flashes white and bursts into grist.
John turns toward the left ogre, but it is assaulted by a beam with cookies in it, which—a pan left—is coming from Nanna’s ghostly oven. John spin attacks the ogre for a few moments, then Rose drops the alchemiter on it and it, too bursts into grist. Victory music plays and John does his cute little victory dance.
2781: John: Climb that echeladder.
John holds both his fists in the air, wearing a little blue hat with a green feather in it. The rung “BOY-SKYLARK” flashes on his echeladder.
Narration: You rocket up the ECHELADDER to the dizzying heights of the vaunted BOY-SKYLARK rung!!! Your new feather is hard earned and well deserved. And alarmingly fashionable.
2788: ==>
Dad brandishes a fist, pipe still in his mouth. The background flashes various shades of purple.
[Panel 2] An imp in a magician’s hat frowns in dread of the punch.
2790: ==>
A black carapacian in an especially fancy, brightly-colored jester’s outfit watches on a giant pair of electric window frames/screens as Dad menaces various imps.
The same carapacian turns to a different screen which shows a still image of John doing his victory dance by the alchemiter which has just killed the last ogre.
2798: PM: Type => VIEW
The bottom right screen shows Jade holding a gun, surrounded by snow. Green light flashes all around her, and the screen blinks white.
Narration: You type another one of the previously entered commands. It switches to the view of a young girl standing alone somewhere. There is a heavy amount of video interference of some sort.
The girl seems familiar to you.
2800: Don't I know you?
The green light flashes more agitatedly, with what looks like electricity flashing over the image. Jade looks directly at the screen with a o: face, possibly shaking her head.
PM steps back as the entire console flashes with electricity and shakes.
2801: ==>
PM and her hat flash yellow, and so does the background.
2812: Jade: Scamper into grand foyer with wild abandon.
Jade scampers into the room and into one of the many visible globes (the kind with the Earth on it) and falls back on her butt. The words “LASS SCAMPER!” flash on the top of the screen in grey. There are a couple of suits of armor in the room, one of which was actually drawn by Hussie.
Narration: You scamper your heart out and bump into something. You don't know why he always insists on keeping it so dark in here.
Oh look, it was one of his dumb GLOBES. These things make it awfully difficult to navigate the foyer. We get it, granddad. You like to travel around the world going on adventures and stuff!
Lousy goddamn stupid globes.
2815: ==>
The fireplace lights up and Jade’s grandpa’s silhouette appears in front of the fire to give her a good spook. Jade recoils back behind the globe on the left, holding her rifle up out of the way.
There is a transparent image of the words in comic sans:
“and there he goes
the old man….
HASS the flame”
2818: {S] Strife!!!
Dave’s record symbol turns as a mimicry of a loading screen. Then the words “AW SNAP.”, then “PRELOADER PSYCHEOUT” flash in green. The actual loading screen shows Jade’s picture above the mantelpiece.
Jade wakes up and pulls out her rifle and goes into a fighting stance. The screen says “STRIFE?” in green, and Jade’s grandpa lights up, revealing he is actually a mounted taxidermied corpse. The >AGGRIEVE option shows. If clicked you can use the keyboard to do all sorts of adorable and silly things with Jade and her gun. Too many to describe, but rest assured, photosensitive readers, it is super cute.
2819: ==>
Jade squints determinedly up at her grandfather in the flickering light of the fire.
Jade’s grandfather continues being a corpse. He is also lit by the fire.
Narration (in italics): YES i am going out with this gun!!! no i will not go get a bigger one!!! no i will not take yours! I can't even lift it!!!!!! oh that is so preposterous. do you even hear what youre saying? i will be fine! this is a perfectly deadly gun and it shoots lots of incredibly deadly bullets! oh will you just stop it. i am going now. Goodbye!!!!!!!!!!!!
(in red italics): <3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2831: Rose: Cause time paradox.
The image of Rose giving therapy to her cat Jaspers, in the middle of a red reticle, turns to a blue screen that says PARADOXIFY.
Narration: You attempt to appearify Jaspers. This would surely cause a time paradox, because you can plainly see that he has not told you his SECRET yet.
But it seems the machine has a safety mechanism to prevent such irresponsible appearification practices.
2833: ==>
The machine beside the appearifier sucks up the paradox sludge that has just been appearified, holding it in a transparent holding cell below a screen.
[Panel 2] Some lights flicker on the machine beside the appearifier, and the screen shows a bunch of flickering letters, all CGAT. Mysteriously, a CG and A do not flicker at all, but that’s not plot important as far as I can tell. Also, the kitten has rolled adorably onto her back.
Narration: The machine beside it sucks up the paradox sludge and begins some kind of automated procedure.
It seems whatever sort of primordial biochemical properties the sludge possesses is being evaluated by the device.
2835: Rose: Have a flashback.
Little Rose covers her face in both hands. A tiny red exclamation mark flashes above her face. Jaspers appears to be whispering in her ear.
Narration: There is no need for a flashback. Conveniently, you can watch what happened right here on the monitor.
You roll the clock forward a few seconds. Jaspers reveals his stunning SECRET to you in strict confidence.
2837: Rose: Trace Jaspers' whereabouts on the machine.
The screen turns to static.
[Panel 2] The screen’s red reticle, a few days later, focuses on Jaspers, dead, in a dirty suit, on a riverbank.
Narration: You roll the clock forward to a week after he vanished. It seems there is no accessible feed tracing his whereabouts during that timeframe.
You fast forward another week. There he is, just as you found him.
2838: [S] Rose: Fast forward to now.
A cat face silhouette is the loading screen, fading from black to ectosludge green. Little Rose, looking sad, approaches Jaspers in the reticle dead on the riverbank. The mutated cat fetus floats in the jar, lit by green light; Rose watches the video, also lit by green light. The little mutated kitten’s tail twitches, then we zoom in on its face, which blinks two eyes at a time. We see the angelic bust of a cat, which fades into the funeral. Rose and her mom are wearing black on a rainy day, with Jaspers’s coffin covered in flowers. The red reticle is focused on the coffin.
We see the coffin inside the mausoleum, and the flowers slowly wilting and dying and disintegrating to nothing. The mutated kitten chews on the scarf.
We see a flashback of Rose’s actions in the mausoleum, then the kitten kicking the scarf with its hind feet. The video then follows Rose as she descends into the laboratory, then finally focuses on Jaspers on top of a transportalizer.
2840: Rose: Appearify Jaspers immediately.
Jaspers appears on the transportalizer. Rose has scooped the mutant kitten back up and is holding it in one arm. She is also wearing the pink scarf.
[Panel 2] The Skaianet Laboratory sign, reading UNESTABLISHED IN: has a countdown going from 14 to 10 seconds.
Narration: Good thing you finally got all this sorted out. You only have 10 seconds to spare.
Time to stash the dead cat and amscray.
2841: Rose: Stop fooling around and transportalize out of there!
Rose runs down the grid toward the transportalizer, holding the mutated kitten with the scarf trailing behind her. She disappears in a green flash, and the words “PRETTY DECENT ESCAPALIZATION” flash in pink.
2843: ==>
Jade faces the front of the screen. Behind her, in the hills, lightning flashes, and then the silhouette of a dog appears, turning most of the background into various shades of green emanating from (or pointing toward) him.
2848: [S] John: Examine your dad’s room.
John looks up in front of a portrait of Bing Crosby smoking a pipe. We see two hats on a hat rack, then a line of neat black shoes next to the hole the safe made. The words “KIND OF A BORING ROOM” flash in grey. John sweatdrops and looks somewhat distressed with a background of dress shoes passing behind him. There is a briefcase on the bed with some papers inside.
The words “JUST A BUSINESS MAN” flash. Pictures of John fade through the foreground, one of him holding the papers and one of him looking distressed. We see a large picture of a pipe on the wall, then “NOT ALL THAT INTO CLOWNS I GUESS” flashes.
John holds his head and flashes in inverse colors a couple times, as pipes dance in the background. The top of the screen reads “MOST SHOCKING TWIST YET”. We pan down a picture of Harry Anderson on the wall and a framed picture of John on the dresser, with some cards. We zoom in on that picture of Bing Crosby smoking a pipe with the words “WHO’S THIS DOUCHE BAG”.
Various pictures of John in shock flash, then the wall picture of a pipe, ties, iron on the bed, foot mat with a hat on it, a set of pipes on the wall, Betty Crocker cake mix, a shoe measuring thing, and then portrait of Harry Anderson. It zooms out to John, rocking back and forth on the bed and holding his knees.
2858: ==>
Jack recoils as the screen turns from the minion and the imp to a zoomed-in pair of eyes with a scar through one.
[Panel 2] Jack looks down at the hat as a hand points to it. The hand is wearing a ring with four grey orbs on it, one of which is lit and the others are dull.
Narration: Your transmission is interrupted.
It seems your GLORIOUS MONARCH has concerns over your wardrobe.
Section 9 starts at page 002760 [link: here], but that page contains a flashing image, so if you’re sensitive, better start at the next page [link: here]. The final page is page 002862 [link: here].
Trigger warnings by page under the cut! Page descriptions for pages with flashing images are [link: here].
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kianamaiart
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