Really F*ing Honest

A personal blog about surviving and recovering from childhood trauma. #ptsd #traumarecovery #childhoodtrauma #childabuseawareness

[reallyfinghonest-blog]

Really, instagram? Fucking REALLY? VIDEOS I MIGHT LIKE? . #insomnia #really #lol #dumb #fail #instafail #fail #nah #phone #dontfollowme #instagood #youdumbtho #fuckoff #instafunny #comedy #meme #butimnotlatina #chacha

[reallyfinghonest-blog]

Attention fellow dreamers, survivors and makers, for the next 100 days, my super dope partner in crime @christymakes and yours truly are participating in the #100dayproject. We'll be chronicling #100days of the steps we take to build a life we love @amightylight. (Go follow to see my wife's much better photography) . 100 days ago I could not even fathom having the energy or mental capacity to build anything, let alone a new life designed around our values. We were just surviving and reacting to the world around us. Trying to get through the hardest time of our lives. The trauma of discovering rampant abuse in my extended family made my ptsd blossom like mold on damp wood. My own childhood and the knowledge of abuse suffered by those I loved invaded my mind day and night. I was fucked up, to say the least. I dove into therapy head first. And guess what? It works. #emdr is no joke and if you suffer from ptsd (no matter why) , you should try it out. (and give it a few months to sink in) Now slowly as the fog clears in my head and I am getting back my mind it's like starting to run after being paralyzed. The shackles are off and although I may not be at my full capacity yet, the dawn is here and we are so fucking ready to make a new life. Turning my back on parts of my family was the hardest thing I could imagine, but protecting our kids and knowing they are safe and always will be is absolutely worth it. So now we'll build and play and heal and share the journey. In hopes that someone who is hurting will be encouraged. Someone who feels hopeless will keep going. Someone who needs therapy, will go. (if you need help with any of those things DM me. I'm a ptsd encyclopedia at this point) . I think I have never been so ready to #gettowork in my life. . #100daysofbuildingalifewelove #dreamitbuildit #dreambuildrepeat #hope #ptsd #makers #dreamers #woodworking #carpentry #realestate #design #interiordesign #traumarecovery #bestwife #instagood #barnwood #tinyhouse #tinyliving #bendoregon #oregonartist #oregonmaker #petemakes #heropiece #amightylight #grateful #gratitude #thankful #building #thankfulness #hardwork #play #goodtimes

[reallyfinghonest-blog]

Ok, so this has been a very rough week. And there's probably lots more dark and stormy posts ahead on this feed. But I had finished this piece of the #1kbrokenhearts project before I left and never posted it. The idea being about waves of light that respond and push back the darkness. Like looking down on a miniature siege. . #art #wip #paint #acrylics #ptsd #painting #fineart #modernart #contemporaryart #sketchbook #brokenheart #depression #ptsdawareness #traumarecovery #anxiety #hope #healing #survivor #overcome #kunst #kunstwerk #trauma (at Ocklawaha, Florida)

[reallyfinghonest-blog]

Gearing up for a really fuckin long day of travel tomorrow, which will begin a really long week at a ptsd treatment intensive. The operative word here is "intensive" since you spend at least 8 hours a day doing "breath work" and yoga and group and all kinds of other shit that is gonna be super uncomfortable and challenging for your humble narrator. But look, if you can't sleep and your brain runs like a freight train and you can't put your hackles down, you can either be uncomfortable and change or die young. When I didn't have kids I think I might have leaned more toward "die young" than "do yoga in Florida." But alas, I do now, so I am now. Going, that is. What else can you do? Just sleep walk forever and live in denial? I feel like I missed out on that section of the gene code. I just can't stick my head in the sand. So I'm going to Florida, to do yoga with horses and talk to my inner child. I hate traveling (not travel just traveliNG) , I hate being away from my family and I hate "being in my body" so fuck Yeh, here's to getting uncomfortable and vulnerable for a week straight. Please please please God let it be worth it.

[reallyfinghonest-blog]

I might just never stop painting this and just keep adding forever and ever

[reallyfinghonest-blog]

Painting with knives today. . #art #wip #paint #acrylics #ptsd #painting #fineart #modernart #contemporaryart #sketchbook #portrait #face #knifepainting #pnw #pnwartist #oregon #expressionism #abstractart #abstract #oldman #bendoregon #blackandwhite

[reallyfinghonest-blog]

Well the lighting is not great in here, but regardless, have a video collage of tonight's sketches. #wip #videocollage #kunst #art #painting #dabs #canvas #survivor #survivorstories #fineart #modernart #contemporaryart #sketchbook #yell #fight #ptsd #arttherapy #expressionism #instagood #instaart #artistsoninstagram #sketches #sketch #acrylics #acrylicpainting #sharpie #bendoregon #bendartist

[reallyfinghonest-blog]

Hollowface. #acrylics on #paper with #tape #stencil. . #art #kunst #fineart #modernart #contemporaryart #sketchbook #wip #sketch #ptsd #modelingpaste #abstractart #abstract #breakdown #redwhiteandblue #wtfamerica #instagood #portrait #paintings #instaart #artistsoninstagram #bendoregon #centraloregon #sunriver #pnw

[reallyfinghonest-blog]

Chipping away at #1kbrokenhearts as well as working out my thinking on how we'll package and market the pieces. The profits will all be donated to one or two charities working with ptsd or childhood trauma and abuse. If you know a good charity I should look into, comment it here. . #charity #fundraiser #art #fineart #nonprofit #painting #charityart #raiseawareness #childhoodtrauma #cptsd #ptsd #depression #anxiety #suicideawareness #stayalive #suicideprevention #someonecares #youareworthy #havehope #standup #fightfortruth #pussyhat #pussygrabsback #pussyhatproject #paintings #heart #brokenheart #brokenhearted #creativeprocess

[reallyfinghonest-blog]

Today I woke up with a massive vulnerability hangover. (what Brene brown calls it) . I'm thinking wtf have I done. Will everyone see these dark posts as me just whining and ranting without meaning? I really hate those feeds that just post shit constantly about how depressed or anxious they are. You fucked up we get it. So are we. But where is the deeper meaning? The difficulty is trying to honor my story and own it, even though I wish it wasn't mine. I'm ashamed of my life, my family. I'm ashamed of so many things I know I shouldnt be. I'm ashamed for getting abused as a 4 year old. How fucked is that? So I thought about taking it down and stopping this whole family portrait project. But then I got up, took my kid to a movie and had family lunch at plankers in downtown. So thankfully I made it through the day without deleting any ugly truths. The reality is, I survived a destructive, incestuous family system. I got out alive and I'm going to be fine. I have a wonderful life and family. Sometimes the hope gets lost because it can be forgotten or sound trite next to something so monumentally fucked up. But that's life. Horror and beauty is all around us everyday. We have to learn to embrace the truth of that dichotomy. . #vulnerability #vulnerabilityisstrength #vulnerabilityhangover #feelings #fear #art #personal #thouhts #artist #struggle #insecure #selfportrait #BreneBrown #thepowerofvulnerability #yikes #gettingreal #scary #rejection #fearandloathinginoregon

[reallyfinghonest-blog]

That last landscape was lovely wasn't it? Well, here's something else. A work in progress, rough sketch. The 5th concept sketch I've started on a series of portraits of my family. Eventually I think these will all become large wood panel paintings in oil and acrylic. #wip This is my grandfather, having lopped off his feet in determining to remain immobile and not change. Hands and fingers are missing to represent how he is emotionally crippled from his own abuse as a child. His United Airlines captain's hat, is a black halo, protecting him and giving him inpunity to molest children for more than 50 years. A green throne for greed and arrogance. Sitting on top of former victims bones. The fourth leg is propped up by a cross. Still in development. Hopefully once the series is finished I'll shop it to galleries. If you're interested in some very dark pieces for a show, let me know. . My family is the darkest inspiration I've ever worked with. _____ #fineart #ptsd #bendoregon #painting #ptsdawareness #bendoregon #anxiety #painting #instagood #instaart #artistsoninstagram #sketches #acrylics #sketch #sketchbook #draw #wip #americanart #contemporaryart #modernart #survivor #survivorstories #childhoodtrauma #fuckedupfamily #depression #overit #overcome #riseup #speakout #stopsexualabuse #pedophile #childabuseprevention

[reallyfinghonest-blog]

Right then, here's the problem Mr. President. As a father of two beautiful girls who will unmercifully grow up to be gorgeous young women someday. I feel particularly upset by the idea that they could grow up in a culture where anyone (let alone the president) thinks it's alright to grab them by the genitals. Actually on second thought anywhere. How about we just don't grab people male, female or Trans anywhere in a sexually violating way. How about that? . We don't grab at people Mr. President, we respect others and keep our hands to ourselves. My 3 year could tell you all about it. They learned in preschool last week. But I digress, the point is this. I have come to believe that a passive attitude toward the inequality of another, is a passive attitude toward my own rights and those of my children. Therefore, let us continue forward in love, fighting this battle with kindness and not hate. For just as darkness cannot drive out darkness, hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that. We cannot hate those who have chosen to hate us, we can only shine our light and let the rays fall as far and wide as they can. Eventually, love conquers all. . . I don't knit. And I don't think I can make the bend women's March, but what I do have I give you. A #pussyhatproject painting for the girls to carry today #pussyhat #grabthepussy #pussyhatproject #womenmarch #womensmarch #womensmarchonwashington #womensmarchonbend #wmob #marchonwashington #pussygrabsback #childabuse #rapeculture

[reallyfinghonest-blog]

Spent tonight carving a new broken heart for the shrapnel I made in welding class. #1kbrokenhearts . #art #sculpture #woodcarving #wordworking #mixedmedia #bendoregon #bendarts #centraloregon #centraloregonartist #ptsd #art #survivorstories #anxiety #depression #ptsdawareness #childhoodtrauma #cptsd #traumarecovery #brokenheart #brokenhearted (at Bend, Oregon)

[reallyfinghonest-blog]

I made a thing @diycave (at DIYcave)

[reallyfinghonest-blog]

Fuck this snow! I wish I was back in Bali hanging out with this amazing monkey who obviously was the reincarnation of Johnny Cash. . #johnnycashkindaday #fuckyou #coolmonkey #diligaf #fuckoff #monkey #awesome #bali #johnnycash #maninblack #middlefinger #instagood #art #photography #travel #indonesia #snow #snowpocalypse #bendoregon #sunriveroregon #pnw #pnwonderland #snow #maker #bendarts #oregonwinter #cold #coldasfuck #trailerlife

[reallyfinghonest-blog]

You guys, look what I can do with a picture of your kids in a pumpkin patch and about a million public photos from #Flickr. Circa 2010. #twinzilla #dadblogger #betadad #webdesign #banner #twins #parenthood #godzilla #tokyo #graphicdesign #art #bendoregon #oregonartist #digitalart #photoshop #graphicart #graphicdesigner #art #artistsoninstagram #artist #design #tbt #photography

[reallyfinghonest-blog]

Some days my brain is on fire and the alarm won't stop screaming. My head feels full of hornets and fog. My gut is a pit or a volcano. I am painfully aware of, every noise, every movement, every thought, anything that might be a threat. . And that is before the kids start screaming. . 👍 #teething #toddler #tantrum #sundaymorningcomingdown #painting #watercolor #sketch #sketchbook #ink #paint #ptsdawareness #childhoodtrauma #childabuse #childabuseawareness #sketch #suicideawareness #stayalive #selfportrait #selflove #instagood #art🎨 #artwork #wip #rage #traumarecovery #collage #bendarts #bendartist #bendoregon #modernart #contemporaryart #fineart #oregon #pnw #cptsd #hope #recovery