Fckng.bldng

I'm dumb and depressed (the depression is obviously fake but the dumb part is real). ||'couse I'm fucking bleeding, dude||

[reducetojules]

e quindi sono cresciuta, la mia vita è cambiata, molto.

inaspettatamente mi sono ritrovata a cercare conforto qua, il mio posto sicuro da sempre.

posso scrivere tutto quello che penso e che sento, anche se credevo di non saperlo fare, che oramai scrivere qualsiasi cosa, pensata in tutto e per tutto da me, fosse impossibile.

invece è necessario.

questa sensazione che non riesco a spiegare è sempre qua.

questa sensazione che mi fa arrabbiare (sempre se la rabbia è un emozione che sono in grado di provare),

questa sensazione che mi fa odiare me stessa,

questa roba che torno a casa e ripenso a una serata tutta sbagliata, a una settimana tutta sbagliata, una vita che dico cose che forse era meglio di no.

chissà se anche gli altri pensano a quello che hanno detto, prima di addormentarsi.

[reducetojules]

mi vorrei spaccare la testa.

e disdire tutte le cose che ho detto.

e disfare tutte le cose che ho fatto.

essere il nulla

[reducetojules]

-so this is like a little snack, right?

-no granma, this is a binge session.

[reducetojules]

why it feels so bad eating when even a single person is watching

and then it feels so good eating when I'm alone

and then it feels ten times worse living with myself later

[reducetojules]

-... and this summer you were so skinny, you lost weight right, i mean you looked really fit. it must have been the bikini. right now, with clothes on, it doesn't even look like... you know?

-mh yes maybe

or maybe it could be that i gained 5kg from two weeks ago... but I think it's the bikini, right

[reducetojules]

I look at my reflection, I'm cool now, everyone says that. My face looks better, everyone compliment my hairstyle, when I go out people say they like my clothes, also I'm thin now, not really, but I still lost 20 pounds. I can do better, I will do better. It doesn't matter. Nothing is different.

I know you want to do it. You can do it.

No, I can't. It's summer now. People are gonna see.

People? What are you talking about? Did you forget why we're even here? Nobody want to hang out with you.

I'll go to the beach soon, and also I have to go to that party this week.

Don't worry about it, you always wear hair bands on your wrists, you're gonna put some more.

But it's been so long, months, maybe half a year, I can't have wasted all this time.

Don't act like you ever planned to really stop this. You stopped because you didn't want to give him an explanation eventually and now he doesn't even reply to your texts. You know it was just a matter of time.

Right.

I'm doing it, I'm doing all I didn't do in these months. I see red lines quickly fill my wrist and I finally feel calm. It's been so long. Maybe I'm not used to it anymore because everything is fuzzy now and I can't properly understand. I forgot to bring toilet paper near the sink. It doesn't matter it's just three steps away,

I can do it, slowly.

One.

My head starts spinning.

Two.

I think some drops are on the floor.

Three.

I can barely stand but I did it, I'll clean everything later, now I take the toilet paper and I clean some blood from my wrist. It's ok, everything will be ok.

My head starts spinning more, and my sight is blurry, I can't see. I need to lay down.

...

I'm in the buthub and I keep my eyes closed. I can feel my pijama getting a bit wet, it doesn't matter, I will change later. My shoulder hurts and the bathtub tap is broken, I must have fallen in here.

I'm gonna rest in here for a second, then I'll get up.

I'm gonna rest in here for a second then I'll clean everything.

Nobody is gonna even notice.

[reducetojules]

my friends decided to meet in a bar that is 1h 16m walk from my place and I'm the only one that doesn't have a car. should I ask them for a ride or should I just cry I duuno.

At least stop saying you don't hate me I'm going crazy 'couse of these mixed signals.

[reducetojules]

It doesn't matter what was your reason to cancel plans with me,

I'm still gonna overthink it

wondering if the picture at the hospital you sent me was just a well made up scenario to avoid spending time with me,

but never forgetting that it's not up to me to doubt you or the dinosaur you fought that day.

[reducetojules]

oh well, my hearth won't be around for a long long time, if you're unkind

and I hope that you to find someone to love you more then I.

[reducetojules]

why nobody likes my shit?

[angelslant]

tumblr is so like. meaningless. just clicking around. reading lil poem fragments. reblogging things just bcuz the vibe is good. seeing the same paintings on the dash 5 times in a day. making my little 2 note posts. love it here.

[reducetojules]

Una promessa fatta a te stessa anni fa, una delle poche che hai mantenuto. Si deve rendere conto di quello che mi ha chiesto di fare, pensavi.

Tua madre ti ha guardato negli occhi e ti ha finalmente detto: forse ora che sei dimagrita così tanto un po' mi dispiace, forse ho sbagliato, io penso che la magrezza sia bella, ma forse non è giusta.

E ora che farai? Continuerai a perdere peso.

[reducetojules]

I'm stuck.

He doesn't give a shit about me and now I'm stuck.

because I have to keep away poeole who actually like me to avoid hurting them,

because I am not like him,

because I don't play with other people's feelings.

But what about me, what do I do now,

How do I forget him if I'm not strong enough to hate him,

how do I forget him if I don want other people to have to forget about me later?

I don't want other people to be stuck.

but I'm stuck.

[reducetojules]

ora va così, mi scrivi ogni sera e sembra che tu voglia comprendermi, capire cosa penso e come penso, sembra che tu lo voglia così tanto che mi potresti pure convincere.

invece è palese che tu ti stia solo divertendo, stai giocando con me e la mia memoria è troppo breve perché io faccia qualcosa a riguardo.

vuoi vedere fino a dove puoi arrivare, quante linee puoi attraversare come se ne avessi il diritto.

mi dici che sono un muro di gomma e che non ti lascio entrare, ma appena vedi uno spiraglio ti ci infili e prima che io possa accorgermene te ne sei già andato lasciando al tuo posto il nulla, il vuoto.

e la cosa peggiore è che te lo lascio fare, perché non so cosa voglio, ma so che l'idea che tu scompaia dalla mia vita mi fa paura.

[reducetojules]

do you hurt me at least once a week? - yes you do

am I mad at you? - yes I am

will I instantly forget that in the moment I read your text? - yes I will

and that's on being the simp I never thought I would be

[reducetojules]

quick reminder

yes, they left you on read after two weeks of non stop texting

no, you don't get to know why

just move on and stop daydreaming shit that's never gonna happen

[reducetojules]

I don't even have the strength to harm myself, I just wish something could blend me from my feet to my head while I lie in bed.

And then boom, no longer me on this earth.