I look at my reflection, I'm cool now, everyone says that. My face looks better, everyone compliment my hairstyle, when I go out people say they like my clothes, also I'm thin now, not really, but I still lost 20 pounds. I can do better, I will do better. It doesn't matter. Nothing is different.
I know you want to do it. You can do it.
No, I can't. It's summer now. People are gonna see.
People? What are you talking about? Did you forget why we're even here? Nobody want to hang out with you.
I'll go to the beach soon, and also I have to go to that party this week.
Don't worry about it, you always wear hair bands on your wrists, you're gonna put some more.
But it's been so long, months, maybe half a year, I can't have wasted all this time.
Don't act like you ever planned to really stop this. You stopped because you didn't want to give him an explanation eventually and now he doesn't even reply to your texts. You know it was just a matter of time.
I'm doing it, I'm doing all I didn't do in these months. I see red lines quickly fill my wrist and I finally feel calm. It's been so long. Maybe I'm not used to it anymore because everything is fuzzy now and I can't properly understand. I forgot to bring toilet paper near the sink. It doesn't matter it's just three steps away,
I think some drops are on the floor.
I can barely stand but I did it, I'll clean everything later, now I take the toilet paper and I clean some blood from my wrist. It's ok, everything will be ok.
My head starts spinning more, and my sight is blurry, I can't see. I need to lay down.
I'm in the buthub and I keep my eyes closed. I can feel my pijama getting a bit wet, it doesn't matter, I will change later. My shoulder hurts and the bathtub tap is broken, I must have fallen in here.
I'm gonna rest in here for a second, then I'll get up.
I'm gonna rest in here for a second then I'll clean everything.
Nobody is gonna even notice.
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