My mental health, general outlook on people and life have changed so much. In a lot of senses I still think of myself as an adolescent, because admittedly, I’m kind of a dickhead in the sense that I laugh at my own shitty jokes way too much and have a generally chilled “it’s gonna be cool” opinion on most things.
Sometimes I think a lot about where I’m going in life, and think about my place in everything, what am I going to do, who am I going to effect, will I achieve anything of note in the extremely small spec of time I occupy in the universe before I’m the same nothing I was before I was born.
I know that sounds dramatic but that’s probably the best way to look at it, it’s a hell of a motivator to think about how death is inevitable and everything you know and all of humanity will one day cease to exist and be important to no one or even have a trace of ever existing at all. That’s pretty depressing, but again, it’s strangely motivating.
Nothing matters in the grand scope of things, to me, all that should be important is enjoying and making the most out of the very lucky and fleeting time you have until you’re dead. It’s why you should let the people you love know you love them, love yourself and the stuff that makes your heart beat. It’s why you should work hard and achieve the shit you need to. It’s why you shouldn’t waste precious time on pieces of garbage that don’t care about what they do or who they hurt.
So, despite knowing that. I’ve been hella depressed lately, doesn’t matter what philosophical perspective you adopt, you can’t make up for a lack of serotonin, constant anxiety and social dissatisfaction with a bunch of jumbled ideals.
I used to be so defeatist, but now when I’m depressed, I’m just mad that I didn’t do better for myself, and I’m bothered with the people that wronged me (if someone actually wronged me anyway) for being the moral equivalent of the great pacific garbage patch and making me feel worse.
Anyway, I’m happy with myself at the moment, in the sense that, I’ve been more depressed lately than I have been in a very long time, but I’m impressed with myself that I’m still managing to kick teenage me’s ass in not giving up on my life, or what I want to do in my fleeting life.
So, I’m going out for a smoke with a good friend, and I’m gonna just roll with the times that come my way. I’m looking back at all the shit I’ve gone through and I’ve kicked that shit into the gutter, I’ve changed a lot, I’m a better guy, I’m a more formed person than I used to be. For once I can actually say that I’m worth something, I’m worth everyone that gives me praise, I’m worth the love and care my friends give me, I’m worth living on, and there’s not a damn thing that will ever take that knowledge away from me.
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