purrlstar: do you have advice for when the thoughts-act-impulse is so linked, i don't know how to release and not act? (example, someone hurt your feelings and they didn't admit fault. it's a few days later and you're still mad & want to try again to solve it, but they wont budge) I get stuck in these cycles where I can't really figure out how I'm not 'in the right' and by continuing to ruminate on it to try and let go only urges me to act further and stay mad. What am I missing?
haha uh-oh you've triggered my trap card! I am still working on this stuff myself but let me see if I can compile what I have learned here. spoiler it's mostly Dialectical Behavioral Therapy.
try to be kind to yourself. you need to lovingly accept where you're at and why it's not working in order to start changing for the better.
practice slowing down and noticing your feelings--notice the sensations and urges they bring, and think "I'm feeling (emotion)".
take note of the thoughts they produce, and how those thoughts can intensify and prolong them in turn.
emotions peak, then subside. the more mindfully you meet them--just watching, not engaging--the faster they will pass.
find self-soothing techniques that work to distract you/calm your nervous system/keep you out of the red. the goal is not to eliminate the feeling, but to keep it at a manageable level.
and: your feelings are real and valid, but they might be coming from somewhere other than whatever's prompting them now.
remember that many things can be true at once. "I'm full of rage and envy AND my classmate deserved that award and doesn't need to hear about my feelings AND I still need to get them through me somehow"
when you're worried your perception of events is skewed:
record the prompting event in detail, then go back and edit out cognitive distortions until it contains, to the best of your knowledge, only plain facts.
do your feelings fit the facts? is your anger at a 10 while the actual harm done was more at a 3? is your fear at a 9 when there is actually 0 danger?
from here you can decide what you want to do about it. if the emotion is way too much or simply not appropriate at all, it may be time for opposite action.
as in: my fear is at a 9, but there is no threat present in the grocery store checkout line, so I give my fear compassion, take a deep breath, and do my best to move my body like someone who is not terrified. your body and mind form a feedback loop; they influence each other.
or maybe you self-soothe your anger by punching a pillow and bring it down to a 3, and then reach out to your friend with the appropriate tone.
"my coworker made me angry" feels true, but it genuinely helps to us "I" statements, like, "I feel angry when he does that thing." you are not your feelings, and you don't have to think of Rick from Accounting as controlling them.
"but Rick from Accounting is an asshole who goes out of his way to be mean from me!" I know and I'm sorry about him!! I'm not saying you have to lie down and take it, but you also can't cede your entire psyche to fucking Rick, a person whom you cannot control or change, who does not even care about you!! if all we can do is make it less distressing for you, then by god we are doing that.
relatedly, how important is this relationship to you? because if it's a random snippy barista at your favorite coffee shop, under no circumstances do you need to have a heart-to-heart with them.
how important is this relationship to them? are they also invested enough to want to adjust for your comfort? if they're comfortable giving 20%, don't force yourself to give 80%. match their energy.
with all that aside, here is a simple classic script:
"when you (do this) I feel (this way), maybe instead (possible alternative)?"
like, "hey boyfriend, when you play your loud music like that I get anxious, could you turn it down/listen in the other room/put on headphones?"
other things to consider:
what you will do if they're not on board? is it a dealbreaker? or maybe you just prepare yourself to firmly but kindly say "hey, I told you five minutes ago I had to go at noon and it's noon now, sorry bye!" and walk out?
to be clear, these are not threats you're making, nor moral judgments. you're just deciding what you are and aren't willing to put up with.
you can't force them to make the choice you want. it's their decision, and then you get to decide what you will do in response. you are only in control of yourself.
"hey, when you're more than five feet away from me I have anxiety attacks, could you please stay within my line of sight at all times?" <- do not do this. this is a You Problem. remember you are talking to a whole separate person, not an extension of yourself
if you are close with someone, you CAN sometimes tell them about an irrational/disproportionate feeling you're having
this may help when you know the thing is going to start making you act weird and crazy if you hold it in, and you don't want the other person to be confused.
you just have to caveat the fuck out of it
like "hey I know this is totally wild and it's not something you have to do anything about, but I'm still getting over my fear of dogs so if I take a while to get friendly with your beloved corgi Beef Boy that's why. it's totally a Me Problem and it's not because I hate Beef Boy."
and then maybe your wife is like "I never knew that about you!" and you bond over your different weird phobias and your relationship is strengthened.
ANYWAY GOD this got very long. all of this is much easier said than done obvs, and I am currently ignoring several points of advice on this list as we speak. but! you know! it's aspirational! hope it helps!
