I had a video idea back in the middle of may with the basic premise of fixing the funk I've fallen into. It seems to be something I fall back into every few months, but this time I've formulated a plan to fight back.
I've made a list, of course, seeing as that is how most of my grand schemes are realized, and the general idea is that I am going to start putting effort into myself again. I've been scraping by on bare-minimum effort and wondering why I constantly feel like shit. Hopefully with the motivation of making it into a video driving me, I'll finally get around to caring for myself again. But I mean in the sense of working out, eating right, and decluttering, I promise I've been showering.
It's odd because my bare minimum is a lot different from what it used to be, it's actually quite a lot more in terms of things I continuously keep up with, but I need to do more. I forget how my friend phrased it the other day, but it was something along the lines of, I need to stop surviving day to day and actually *living* in the days I have. And it's true. Aside from last week, May practically evaporated into one big blip. Months only start to feel short when your routine eats you alive. And especially if that routine either has little to no variation, or is just the basic necessities to say feeling human.
I can't say that I've felt all that human the past few months, thought I don't really know what I mean by that entirely. I am a human, therefore I suppose I feel like one. It is very inherently human to feel like shit and be aware of it, and be miserable because of it. But the human experience is also about hard work and pleasure and reaping the benefits of the places and things around you. I want to get back to that part of it all.
What is frustrating is that part of everything gets a hell of a lot more difficult every day the price of bare minimum effort is raised. Not just in terms of money, though that is a large component, but having the spoons for everything, in the steps it takes to feel like a person and gather the courage to do more than what is required to stay alive. I guess you have to look at life a bit broader and realize that the fun stuff and the hard work stuff are also an integral part of that "needing to stay alive" thing, because being alive is partially automatic, with the breathing and the eating stuff, but *living* and feeling *alive* I've found so far from personal experience of being alive, is the pursuit of enriching our bodies and minds. And that usually requires hard work in many facets, whether denying yourself a sweet treat to meet a weight goal, or lifting a heavy object to rearrange your room. Or something like that, I don't know.
Either way, I've written a script, a plan, a list, and now I just need to put it on my wall so I can get a sweet sweet dopamine hit every time I check off a task I would already be participating in to keep myself afloat on the bare minimum ferry. Or boat, it doesn't have to be a large water craft if you don't want. It's all up to interpretation. Personally I prefer flying.
I think June will be a good month. That could be the medication talking or the fact I almost completed the full checklist outline of my morning routine within the set time frame, or even the fact that I started my day with a track from the Star Trek: TNG ost. Time will only tell if this whole living thing becomes easier.
