Illumination by Starlight

Every moment is a gift

[animentality]

[zangtang]

"The "generation gap" is an important social tool for any repressive society." - Audre Lorde

[elodieunderglass]

Nice tags from @hussyknee

Also what a nice message to send

[uwuplasmiusuwu]

Me: Hi, this is Ebony at work; how can I help you today?

Customer: Oh wow

Me: Is everything alright?

Customer: Oh yes, it’s just that you’re so good at this, I thought you were a recording at first

Me, internally: Your, “most people only call me a robot *after* they know I’m Autistic,” joke is an inside thought until you can get to Tumblr; same with the, “script writer,” bit.

Me: Ha, can you tell I’ve been doing this for a while?

[uwuplasmiusuwu]

Asdfghjkl it happened again

[uwuplasmiusuwu]

It has been 0 days

[uwuplasmiusuwu]

Not only has it been 0 days, it has been 3 days in a row

[uwuplasmiusuwu]

[image description: a screenshot of tags by tumblr user uwuplasmiusuwu that say the following: “#disabled humor #autistic culture #thank you whoever liked this so that I could find the post again #MY PHONE ETIQUETTE IS FLAWLESS #IM SO SMOOTH I DONT GOT FRICTION #WHY AM I FAILING THE TURRING TEST?!?!” /end ID]

Adding the tags from the last post in light of how many times I heard this on Friday, because I lost count

[uwuplasmiusuwu]

🎶There’s moooore🎶

Me: This is Ebony at—

Patient: Goddammit, why do they only have their fucking voicemail?!

Me, sensing bullshit: You’re trying to reach the *other* department, aren’t you?

Patient: *drops their phone and starts swearing*

[uwuplasmiusuwu]

So, as of last update, shenanigans have happened at least twice daily on average. I have decided that, if you’re gonna call my autistic ass out, you can listen to me wheeze while I crack up. That brings us to today’s overtime special:

Me: Hi, this is Ebony calling from your doctor’s office

Patient: *hits buttons*

Me: Hello? Are you still—

Patient: Oh my god!

Me, trying not to laugh: Nope, just Ebony.

Patient: I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be rude, but I thought—

Patient: “To confirm your appointment, please press 1.”

After that, we both laughed so hard they hung up accidentally. 😂

[goliath-de-senfina-sango]

This is wonderful. If more unknown people called me and I answered them I’d probably be trying to replicate this.

[uwuplasmiusuwu]

It. Keeps. Happening.

I have no choice but to break down in helpless laughter as I try to reassure people, “I’m not at all offended, this is just the [3rd to 14th] time today someone’s told me that.”

Someone give me the money to buy a decent mic and I’ll do the damn voice acting. 🤣

[tumbleaboutit]

This used to happen to me all the time when my job involved phone work! I also once read the part of a voicemail machine in a script writing class, and everyone was very impressed how I got the timing right on the “you have one new message” bits.

[uwuplasmiusuwu]

Right? All it is is pattern recognition, and we already have to have scripts for everything anyway! 🤣

[uwuplasmiusuwu]

You know, I haven’t updated this post in ages, but I am still surprising folks all the time. Here are some recent highlights:

Me: Hi this is Ebony at—

Patient: My name is [redacted], date of birth [redacted], and my phone number is [redacted].

Me: Okay, could I have your address to sign into your chart?

Patient: *rattled it off*

Me: Great! Okay, what can I help you with today?

Patient: Make my doctor call me.

Me: Can I have a few more details? What problems are you having?

Patient: Ugh!

Patient: Speak to a representative.

Me:

Me, holding back tears: Friend…

Patient: NOOOO— *hangs up*

[I did call back, but I needed to laugh first]

____

Me: Thank you for choosing [Practice], and have a great day!

Patient: Aww, I was gonna say happy holidays.

Me: Oh, same to you.

Patient: Wait, that wasn’t a recording??

____

Patient: My date of birth is [tomorrow].

Me: Happy early birthday!

Patient: Huh.

Me: Something wrong?

Patient: Okay, don’t take this the wrong way, but do you know what the Turing test is?

Me: Sir, I’m gonna be so honest with you. I am sitting on my hands because the urge to do a Siri bit is *strong*.

Patient: But that’d be fucking hilarious!

Me: Yes, but this is a doctor’s office. They wouldn’t want to ding me for being funny, but the quality team would have to.

Patient: Aww.

Me: Yeah…

[ymfingsteadilyon]

See, you're probably sticking too close to a generic script, with not enough memorable details to stick out as an individual. Try introducing yourself with your entire full name (unusual middle names would be a big plus here, perhaps with some non-standard apostrophes thrown in for effect) and a detailed description of your hair and eye color to help people picture you in their minds (again, unexpected similes and word choices are what you're going for). You might want to add some humanizing details of your daily life as well, like a brief anecdote about an interaction with some students at your school that'll help you get across your taste in music and general subculture. That way, you'll turn any phone call into an immortal memory.

[uwuplasmiusuwu]

I want you to know that 1.) you are the first person to pull this and 2.) I need it framed on my wall.

@theshitpostcalligrapher I think this might peak your interest

[couriernewvegas]

[yeebusjeebus]

[gay-disaster-kitten-deactivated]

[pokemonpostsdaily]

[lindleland]

[wolfgangreborn]

How does this even happen

[nooniebaddass-deactivated201804]

Platonic Kisses Are Important

[wolfgangreborn]

Platonic? We had sex later that same day.

[bnq]

“Platonic”

[wolfgangreborn]

This is so funny

[lunatic121]

As we near the end of pride month, this funny post got better when I found out that’s literally his husband

[emmikatjohnson]

Scooby Doo taught us that cops don’t do their jobs and it’s up to America’s youth to unmask the greedy old white guys that are terrorizing society.

[i-am-already-panicking]

Holy fuck

[mothcub]

What’s popping, you ask? Why, it’s my joints.

[gyarados]

You’re welcome

[lady-gorthaur]

This is the most useful thing I’ve ever reblogged.

[danwasonfireonce]

i used to think when people said my cousin twice removed that their cousin must’ve did some fucked up shit to get kicked out of the family twice

[emeraldmercury]

Oh so THAT’S what “twice removed” means… 

[king-monky]

Marriage is good and weddings are great but I hate modern wedding culture. You don’t need to bankrupt yourself to have a nice wedding. Stop supporting the wedding industry, stop buying outrageously priced engagement rings, stop spending 10k on a dress you’ll only ever wear once.

[tidy-tidings]

Coming from a professional event planner - weddings are egregiously expensive because companies openly raise prices at the word “wedding.” 

Pro Tip - Never drop the word wedding while planning if you don’t need to. Most things can be for “an event you’re planning.” This obviously doesn’t include things like the venue, DJ (who needs specific wedding songs), and the wedding dress company if you’re going that route versus just buying a dress.

For my wedding I got “discounted” cupcakes, flowers, decor, bridesmaids dresses, groomsman attire, and invitations. I did this by either searching for things that aren’t marketed for weddings or not telling the companies I was working with it was for a wedding. Because honestly, most of the time they don’t need to know why you’re ordering.

These companies target people planning their weddings and markup everything the second “wedding” is said. And it’s said often because people assume the services change exponentially for weddings. They absolutely do not. 

The best example are the cupcakes I had for my wedding. I used a designer cupcake store in town instead of spending $1000 on a wedding cake. If you place a large order of cupcakes with a cake tree for display - it costs about $150 for 100 (which is what I did). When you order their “wedding” package - the price raised to a $700 base for 100 cupcakes. The only other perk includes a “tasting.” Forget that. Our tasting was buying a few cupcakes in flavors we thought we’d like and picked three. It cost maybe $20. 

What these companies do is scummy and targets people who don’t have information about the event industry.

I will yell it from the rooftops until people realize there’s a better way.

[catchymemes]

[monsttarchive]

she let the baby stay in there the whole night and decided to check in the morning lmao

[shittymoviedetails]

Kevin is the real villian in Home Alone

[orgyporgy]

The movie establishes that the phone lines to the house are down, that’s also why nobody is able to call Kevin at home. The movie also establishes that all of his neighbors are out of town which is why he couldn’t borrow their phones. The movie ALSO BEGINS by introducing the main antagonist as a “police officer” which is why Kevin doesn’t trust the cops. I’m so tired of the ignorance. The slander.

[foxyclock]

FINALLY we’ve reached the time of year for home alone discourse

[hypokeimena]

#he did what he needed to do to survive. then he did a bunch of other stuff he felt like doing (via @hotcrossedfangs) 

[libertarirynn-deactivated202006]

Also the police in that movie are hilariously inept. Kevin‘s mom contacts them to do a wellness check on her eight-year-old son who is home alone and for them that consists of casually wandering down to the house, knocking once, and then when nobody answers instead of considering the very real possibility that a frightened young boy might not open the door right away, they just assume everything‘s fine and the mom is just crazy and they fuck right off.

[gahdamnpunk]

“The overlooked remain overlooked even in their fight to not be overlooked.”

[bo0zey]

 i tried to be funny and it backfired miserably

[bo0zey]

it’s 2014 it’s time we moved on as a nation and stop reblogging this

[bo0zey]

every person who reblogs this in 2015 is gonna get their ass kicked by yours truly

[mothmanliveshere]

hey op good news

[mwagneto]

TWO MONTHS LEFT OF THE 2010S HOW ARE WE FEELING

[inactive-jupiterscupid-deactiva]

[silkirose]

:/

[silkirose]

:0

[silkirose]

:)

[silkirose]

A little update <3

I still read all of your lovely replies! I have not given up on art my friends! I have even started my own webcomic on webtoon! It’s called Seth In Space and it would mean a lot to me if you would support me there! Love you all and happy halloween!!

[staff]

🖤🧡

[wheeloffortunefortunes]

If you are reading this, something good will happen to you tomorrow at 3:33 PM.

[official-lucifers-child]

thank you

[teaboot]

Three bears went through my trash

[zekedms]

They were there to murder you but realized you aren't Goldilocks. A very good thing happened.