Hi! I just found this blog, it's super helpful. I'm autistic and moving back into the dorms in a couple of weeks for college with a new roommate, and my last situation didn't go so well; the roommate ignored my request for her to tell me when she had issues with me, and kicked me out in December for all my behavioral problems I'd asked her to tell me about (I'm really bad at knowing what's wrong and what I've done wrong at any given time). (1/2)
I was wondering if you had any tips for telling my new roommate what I tried to tell my last roommate and getting the point across properly? Like, I don’t want to be rude since it’s mostly my job, but I do need some cues as to when something I’m doing needs to change, and it obviously didn’t work last time. Thanks. (2/2)
Ahhh, anon, I feel you on this. The college roommate situation is often tricky, even for neurotypical folks, so don’t feel like you’re the only one who’s had problems with this or anything. (Also I feel like your previous roommate shouldn’t have been able to kick you out??? What is that??? I’m sorry that ended so awful, anon.)
I’m autistic too and something that took me ages to figure out is that giving someone else explicit permission to be very direct with you doesn’t actually mean that the other person will do so. I couldn’t understand why people kept being worried about being rude when I’d given them explicit permission to be direct. But here’s the thing: even when they have your permission, a lot of the time, they’re still uncomfortable being that direct. I know! It can be super frustrating! But that’s how a lot of people roll.
So the question becomes: how can you get them to communicate with you if direct communication doesn’t work well for them?
Now, there is the option of having one of those roommate agreement sheets. A lot of dorms will even require this. I personally never found those helpful, but it’s still a resource! Even if you never refer back to it, sometimes just seeing a roommate agreement can help you figure out what you do need to talk about. Here’s a decent example of a roommate agreement I found. And on that note, write down whatever things you concretely agree to do with them, maybe even post those things on the wall. (Stuff like “lights out by midnight,” etc.)
One warning here, anon: if you’re particularly unlucky, your roommate might be completely uncooperative or maybe even a jerk. I hope that’s not the case for you, but remember that if your roommate refuses to even try to work with you, that’s not your fault. You’re not their parent or their babysitter. If you can’t discuss things with them for whatever reason like that, this is when you enlist the help of your R.A. or other staff at your dorm.
Early on, it’s a good idea to pick a day with your roommate to sit down and hammer things out. Just ask them if they have time to talk about roommate stuff and laying down some ground rules with you.
If you’re comfortable telling them that you’re autistic, you can do so. I’ve found that this helps me explain why I might need more direct communication. And yes, while I did say earlier that sometimes folks just can’t do direct communication easily, it’s still a good idea to make it known that that helps you a lot.
I just wanted to let you know that I’m autistic and, while I’ll do my best to pick up on social cues, it’s not my best skill and I’m likely to miss any hints you drop. So if you can come to me and more directly tell me if you need something, that’ll work a lot better.
If you don’t want to mention you’re autistic, you can say almost the same thing while just leaving out that info.
I just wanted to let you know, while I’ll do my best to pick up on social cues, it’s not my best skill and I’m likely to miss any hints you drop. So if you can come to me and more directly tell me if you need something, that’ll work a lot better.
From here, there are a few different options for communicating important things.
Something that can help for a lot of people is having a semi-regular meeting day where you sit down and check in with each other as roommates. By having a scheduled time for this, it takes the pressure off of both of you so that you don’t have to keep asking for A Talk, which can be intimidating and seem more severe. This can be a good time to hash out minor problems or just check in with who’s getting what supplies if you’re sharing them. Here’s how you could suggest it:
Could we have a regular meeting schedules just for like 30 minutes max every 2 weeks on a specific day? Just a scheduled time to touch base and make sure we’re on the same page with things, that kind of thing. Keeps it low-stress and everything.
Another option is to have your communication be based on writing or texting instead of speaking. Sometimes people are more comfortable being more direct when it’s written down rather than spoken out loud.
This could be done through texting on phones, a message type system on the internet somewhere (ex: skype, facebook), a physical calendar on the wall, or a physical whiteboard on the wall. (Make sure this whiteboard is inside the room, though, or other dorm residents will think they’re supposed to draw on it.)
Here’s how you could propose it:
And if talking about some stuff face-to-face is kind of uncomfortable, like you feel weird complaining to me that I forgot to wash your dishes after borrowing them or whatever, we could maybe do it through text/messaging/written notes? Sometimes just leaving notes can feel less aggressive is all. Would that be something you’d like to do?
Those are the best concrete examples I can give for communication options. Remember to be open to their suggestions, too!
Other than that, my best advice is to lead by example. Keep your own tone chill while discussing these things. If you sound super tense, it tends to make the conversation tense. Make sure you communicate well, too! (I find adding “please” and “thank you” to basically everything can help smooth a lot over.)
I hope this helps, anon! Good luck! ~ Mod Bearpelt
