Dear my blue eyed boy,
15 minute free write. To be deleted or saved in the AM.
I don't know what to say to you anymore. I don't know who we've become. Shadows of the people we used to be. but still here. breathing. i could say our connection is gone, but i'm starting to think that maybe we never really had a strong connection to begin with. just something i manipulated in my mind. something i created to make myself feel wanted. but then i ask myself, why would you still be here. talking to me. daily if i wanted. even though you don't initiate, you never say no. you can say no. i wish you would say no. i wish you'd call me crazy and let me go. let me be. let me move on. but you don't. one time you chose not to respond. but i pushed and prodded, until you told me. you were only listening to my forgotten told directions. and once that was clarified. we began again. talking anew. building a friendship or ship once again. i don't understand what you are to me and what you will never be for me. i like to build our ship in my dreams. imagining it would take us to far away places. but i don't think that's a reality i should dream for. i don't know what to think. though i still think it's all in my head. I sometimes lie awake thinking that this is all a farce. you're just some nice guy, who happened be nice, and now i'm obsessed. but you could have said no. you should say no. but you don't. you never do.
but then i think about the gorgeous blue eyes of yours. the ones that change color with your favorite shirt. or as you'd like to say color. i think about the boy who was late to our first date because he climbed a tree and couldn't get down. i think about the girl that fell in love with your eyes and the sense of wonder they held about the world. the girl that fell for the boy who climbed trees and dreamed of seeing the world. I think about the girl who was so intrigued by the boy who cared more about her culture than she did. The boy who tried to enlighten me. I think back to the days i tried to impress you, by doing what the other girls did, wear makeup, dress pretty. only to realize you never once cared. your eyes were always to the sky and perhaps your head has been there this entire time. i think back to the boy who stayed up with me until the light came up, playing games and talking. i thin back to all the times I was too frightened to grab your hand. to the times i felt so safe in your arms. i don't know why this is so hard. or why i cry when I think of you and me and the future we'll never be. i don't want to leave that blue eyed boy behind. but i can't be living in my own head in my own fantasy. i want you and that sense of wonder, but how can I want it if I don't like myself.
i'm not the girl who will go out with you to a bar until closing. i've lived that part of my life and you haven't. i don't want to hold you back from that. as much as you don't want to hold me back from my career and travels. but you're my rock. and the reality of not being able to take you with me is unbearable. we finally got to a spot where we would try things. no longer just a fantasy or a wishful question to ask in my head. but a tangible reality. you couldn't set a date. you can talk to be about everything else under the sun. but you can't choose a stupid date? and then there I go again, thinking this is all in my head, but I have texts that say otherwise.
in seeing you now in the real world. I try so hard not to let my true feelings show. I needed to know I cared about you, I wasn't infatuated with you. that I genuinely liked you in my life. and the truth is I do. you're my blue eyed sometimes green eyed best friend, listener, everything really. I don't open up to anyone like when i speak to you. but i know that's only one sided. (even though i know you started opening up to me this year. so much more than ever before). i'm sorry if I couldn't really let you in, but your inability to communicate makes this so much more painful for me. because i never know what you're thinking even though i wear my heart on my sleeve. i'm tired of crying over you. i'm tired. but when i sleep, i dream of being safe in your arms. nuzzled in your chest. reassured by your scent. i miss you. i miss my blue eyed boy, stuck in a tree, looking towards the sky.
