in this moment

love is dirty baby. sometimes it's downright filthy.

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I miss what we could have been.

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dear possible lover,

With all the things that you know and have learned about me and experienced with me, I would hope someone would easily love me having gone through just that because that’s so much of me. And you’re just getting all of it . All the best of me, from me and by me. Maybe I just haven’t found anyone that agrees and feels that way.

Love, me.

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baby it’s real.

i think maybe it’s so hard because i wondered if i loved him. 

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Recaps of highlights from this year so far…

1. I tour managed for Ariana Grande for one second. (Work on bieber’s tour -check. Two birds with one stone) 2. Nsync reunion at the vmas was too good for words 3. I met the love of my life… Unfortunately he’s 2. 4. I was featured in the tabloids one too many times on what I hope may be the last movie I ever have to work on. (A friendship I developed with her equivalent to the best one night stand anyone could ever imagine- I was convinced she was the only reason why I was meant to work that film) 5. My little brother got married and I was blessed to be able to join them on their special day. 6. Justin timberlake makes a ridiculous comeback in music. (I talked my way through the guards and got myself an amazing spot on the side stage.) 7. I met my favorite member of boyz ii men. Not much more needs to be said about this 8. Finally made it to the aquarium in Baltimore and may have discovered a new career in jellyfish photography. 9. Meet Gus Gus. He kept trying to hump me and I just wanted to be friends. (That’s what she said.) it clearly didn’t work out. 10. Maybe the best hasn’t happened yet…

Despite the wonderful photos, its been a really tough year. Lets be real, no one wants to see photos of the tough times. But the year isn’t over yet and I’m using ‘everything happens for a reason’ as hope that there are great things that may still come. Ill continue to work hard and try not to give up. Here’s to faith…

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They say admitting you have a problem is the first step. Well, here goes... I look up photos of breakfast on Instagram before I go to bed every night. There! I said it. Now someone save me 😭

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case of the ex

today i ran into my ex boyfriend  whom i have not seen in 10 years. we were such children back then and it's almost like meeting again as strangers. i was just in so much shock and could not believe we were standing there. 

it's interesting because when we were younger, we barely had full personalities, any experience and practically didn't know anything. but i still love the genuine and pure feelings we had towards one another, liking this boy or girl for no reason at all and just feeling so heartbroken about it and obviously being overly dramatic. but at least it seemed so much more real. nowadays everyone we meet at our age is all about how much money they make or if they'd be a good wife or husband and what they do for a living, etc etc. causing us to pre judge and sum them all up in a matter of seconds before ever really getting to know them or just eliminating almost all chance of ever liking them or being drawn to them just for the plain fact that you are. 

looking back at my relationship with this ex, we were so young and had no idea what was real except for our feelings or so we thought. it got me thinking all day what if this and that and who knows but i guess everything happens for a reason. i mean how well do we really know people of our past unless we keep in touch with them consistently? 

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the case of the missing identity

In the last week, I worked on a film for two days called, "Are We Officially Dating?" There were many interns as well as production assistants there and therefore, everyone was grouped together and for the most part it was assumed that it was everyone's first film. Tonight was the wrap party and I was reminded of all the ugly things about the industry that I hate, like I am at every award show. That loneliness you feel after being around so many people...It seems that everyone there is either a star, wants to be a star or wants to fuck a star. As much as anyone might deny it, they fit in at least one of those categories. Being that I only spent two days on the film, I barely knew anyone and was treated like it was my first film with every conversation beginning and ending with "this is all for you to learn and will be a great experience when looking back blah blah blah" 

The thing that bugs me is how much of an identity I feel like I don't have. The actors, producers, etc already meet everyone with their titles that empower them and whether you want a job or not, because they have the ability to give you one, it is assumed that you would probably do almost anything for them. I don't care who or what you are, I just wish you'd meet me as me. But I guess this is just the territory that comes with the industry. Typical for us to ask you about you so you could tell us more about your accomplishments without ever inquiring what our goals are or where we're from because it's all about you. You're even doing us a favor by taking your time us to talk about yourself because we should be so grateful as to have these precious moments with you. 

Work and love are such a big part of my life as it is for everyone else and I can't seem to just figure out how to feel like less of a nobody in all of it. In such bubbles of bullshit and facades it's so hard to differentiate between what and who is real and everyone just kind of loses sight and along with that their identities go with it. The solution would probably be to pick a different industry but I'm clearly not going to do that since I like to torture myself with the mental instability and drive myself insane. 

I'm just rambling on here but I thought I'd share. I just wish there was someone out there that I liked and liked me enough to want to hold my hand, even if it was just for a second. I know it sounds irrelevant but I actually think both work and love come hand in hand, at least for me. 

EDIT: Oh and nothing beats someone sort of complimenting me with "Oh you're actually pretty, I never noticed." Thanks .. I think. 

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What I've Learned from New Years....They let anyone working on shows walk freely in times square but they also let Dominos delivery guys go through!! So for all those people out there that'd like to spend new year's in Times Square, get your dominos delivery guy outfits ready for 2014.

What I also learned... about myself rather... although it seems amazing and awesome to be working in Times Square and surrounded by a sea of thousands of people, it's actually quite lonely. Anyone else ever feel that way?

What I was wondering...Who texts you at midnight? Are they close friends, family members, maybe people you'd never expect? For the most part, I find that the people that text me are my closest friends as well as people that I would have never expected. It's silly to have that reinforce or dictate any of the relationships in your life but I find it interesting..

Well HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone. It is quite belated but lets be real, it's never too late. 

I hope everyone has a wonderful new year and that 2013 brings happiness to everyone. I had quite a year back in 2012. There was definitely a lot of success and a lot of what seemed and felt like failures in the music industry. It's been quite an emotional roller coaster and I honestly have no idea what to expect this year. I'd do a year in review with photos but at this point I'd never finish and it'd be 2014 before we all know it.

Here are photos of my new years. What i also learned.. people write wishes on the confetti (freakin awesome) and this was the one I ended up with. Well, here's to 2013! 

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If you were promised you'd be a Victoria secret model but only if you got boob and butt implants would you do it?

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What I learned yesterday…. Sometimes too big is just too big #marshmallows Do not buy extra large marshmallows for bonfires despite how enticing they look

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My boss's fortune today. #fortune #believe #work #music (Taken with Instagram)

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What I learned today...

I am allergic to Jackfruit. For those of you that don't know what jackfruit is, I've included photos here. I do not feel so well right now. Itchy is probably the word to really describe it. 

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My 24th of April started at 12:25 am with a 4 hr flight from Perth to Melbourne, a 2 hr layover, 1 hour delay, 15 hr flight from Melbourne to LA, then 20 minutes to go through customs, baggage claim, check in again, and security only to board another flight for 5 hours...and all this with shots of vodka, tons crappy plane food and finally at the end of the road, here I am in New York City with the sun still out on the 24th of April.

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Oh hello Melbourne. Wish I had more time to befriend you. 

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My first music job :) Here are some of the things I've seen or done so far

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What the weekend was like… These are the moments that make why I do what I do.