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this blog hates donald trump
The hobbits invent a fun game called ‘how close can we get to our friends before they notice us’
easy mode: Gimli (makes a lot of noise himself, very easy to sneak up on)
medium mode: Boromir (challenging enough to be great fun)
hard more: Aragorn (VERY attentive to his surroundings)
expert mode: Legolas
it takes them a LONG time to get Legolas but Frodo eventually manages it and it’s magnificent
Legolas: *sitting around minding his own business*
Frodo: *two inches from his ear* hi Legolas what’s up
Legolas: ANDAGNDOAHGDLKHNKDLFHLKFDANGLKFDAGN????? *backflips to his feet in confusion*
*cue the rest of the fellowship losing their fucking minds*
after that he’s onto them and they never manage it again
from all i can gather this is entirely cannon except the fellowship hobbits didnt invent it, its been a traditional hobbit game on par with humans and ‘tag’ for about 500 plus years to the point the average human will routinely fail to notice an entire picnic of hobbits at ten feet, blanket and potato salad included like hobbits dont realize they legit have a supernatural ability to not be noticed on par with elves physics bending sniper scope vision
okay but is “picnic” the collective noun for hobbits because that’s brilliant
a picnic of hobbits
perfection
So yeah, it’s canon that hobbits are the stealthiest of the races of Middle-Earth, even more so than elves. Which is an amusing trivia fact, until you start realizing how much of the plot of both The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings is based on this.
Why did Gandalf randomly decide that a plump gentle-hobbit was the right person to be a burglar for an adventuring party? It seems like wizardly eccentricity, until you realize Bilbo’s got a racial bonus to Stealth of like +20. Why does he get the Ring? In text, it’s partly coincidence, but also - which party member do you give your Ring of Invisibility to? The Rogue with a crazy Stealth bonus, of course. Bilbo uses his Stealth, boosted by the Ring, constantly, and the dwarves would have been dead a dozen times over without it. He’s able to get the Ring in the first place because he stealthed out of the middle of a horde of goblins. Then he’s sneaking up inches from trolls, secretly living inside the elves’ freakin palace (with Legolas) for months, rescuing a whole pack of dwarves from under the elves’ noses, regularly pick-pocketing people including elves, sneaking past a dragon, sneaking to deliver the Arkenstone.
Then we follow up into Lord of the Rings. Gandalf’s now bred up a second-generation Rogue. Frodo, Sam, Pippin, and Merry have that same massive racial Stealth bonus, and Frodo also has been raised by an adventurer. He speaks Elvish fluently, he’s friends with dwarves, he studies maps obsessively. Then he inherits Bilbo’s Stealth-boosting magic item - now upgraded to cursed McGuffin. When Gandalf decides it’s time, he collects Frodo and assembles a party. Their goal isn’t to march into Mordor, or to battle the Boss: it’s to sneak through enemy lines, past an entire army (or two).
The humans, elf, dwarf, and wizard angel keep drawing too much attention and getting them attacked (plus admittedly Pippin, the low-WIS darling), so eventually Frodo and Sam ditch them and head off on a pure stealth run. They can’t use the Ring of Invisibility anymore, but fortunately Galadriel gave them another Stealth-boosting magic item, the cloaks. They sneak halfway across Middle-Earth, past armies, through miles and miles of enemy territory, while being hunted by every evil being on the planet, particularly a literal giant All-Seeing Eye. Not to mention the Palantiri, extremely powerful divination items which are being actively used by three different groups of enemies/competitors.
The other main canonical Hobbit power is that they’re “very hardy folk”, meaning they have incredibly high resistance to various things from poison to mental influence. So they can survive the literally poisonous air and water of Mordor, which was designed to kill every species but orcs. And they can survive close contact with the Ring for decades or centuries, not only physically but also maintaining some degree of mental independence, when any other race would succumb in minutes to hours. (Note the most “powerful” characters - Elrond, Galadriel, the literal angel Gandalf - refuse to even touch the Ring, as do the most morally sound, Aragorn and Faramir.)
Why did Gandalf choose a minor member of the country gentry, the size of a toddler, with no combat training, to save Middle-Earth? Because absolutely no other creature on the planet could have done the task. Frodo was all but created as a weapon against Sauron. He, and he alone (with Sam), was capable of saving Middle-Earth.
TL;DR: Legolas would get jump-scared by Frodo every single time, because Frodo is the greatest Rogue in Middle-Earth, and the plot of the entire series depends on that fact.
Gonna print this out and staple it to the face of the next person who asks why they didn’t just give the ring to the eagles to drop into the volcano. BECAUSE POISONOUS AIR AND AN ARMY WITH TREBUCHETS YOU TWIT.
Also Sméagol/Gollum, mentioned by Gandalf to be a hobbit or close relative of hobbits. The elves can’t catch him in Mirkwood, and this is after he lost the Ring and is out in the open for the first time in ~500 years.
i luv this concept so much lmao
just the idea of the hobbits playing hide and seek with the rest of the fellowship is so hilarious to me
@unsteady-states !!!
It bugs me a little bit that The Ring canonically turned Isildur invisible.
Canonically, The Ring’s whole thing is that it enhances the pre-existing abilities of whomever wears it, in addition to driving them insane. This is why it would be so devastating for Gandalf, or Galadriel, etc to get their hands on it. They’re already super powerful, the buff would make them unstoppable.
And the stealth thing is established really early on in the Hobbit as the thing hobbits were amazing at. It would kick ass as a detail for The Ring to only turn Hobbits invisible. Among other points, it enhances the plot-point of Gandalf not being able to recognize the thing and then after his suspicions were raised taking so much time studying ring-lore before he could. If The Ring only turned Hobbits invisible, then Gandalf literally has nothing to go off of for identifying the damn thing until he’s gotten his PHD in Ring-ology. Which is canonically what it took for him to figure it out.
This is still plausible without the alteration to The Ring’s exact properties, but I feel that the narrative is a bit stronger with it.
Amusingly, as far as I can tell its also canon-compliant.
What the fuck does that mean, didn’t I already say that Isildur is canonically turned invisible by The Ring? Ah, but you misunderstand the nature of Tolkien’s canon. The Hobbit exists within the fiction of The Hobbit. It is written by Bilbo, with Tolkien himself merely translating it from Westron to modern English. The Lord of The Rings is compiled by Frodo, the Silmarillion is a Noldor history book.
We know that The Ring turned Isildur invisible because of how he died; his party was ambushed on the road by orcs. Isildur donned The Ring and leapt into the river to escape. But The Ring betrayed him, enlarging itself on his finger and falling off, thus allowing the orcs to see him and fill him with arrows.
Except.
That’s the translation of what happened, and we don’t know how reliable the original source was in any case. Recall that ordinary humans are already remarkably resistant to death by injuries that would fell other creatures, and Isidur was a full-blooded Numenorean besides. It is entirely plausible that The Rings enhancement of these properties would make Isildur very difficult to kill indeed. Maybe he was already full of arrows when he went into the River, but his wounds only became fatal retroactively, with the loss of The Ring.
Perhaps the “original text” Watsonian-Tolkien was translating more simply indicated that Isildur went into the river, was betrayed by The Ring, and this caused his immediate death-by-arrows. Watsonian-Tolkien could, in this case, be forgiven for assuming that it was a matter of loosing the invisibility which The Ring emparts to so many Hobbits in the texts Watsonian-Tolkien has read which led to Isildur’s death.
Alternatively, it could have been the mistake of an earlier chronicler or transcriber whose error Watsonian-Tolkien was simply passing on.
i kind of wish the anti voting people wouldn’t dance around the idea of what happens after the election. Like okay, the democrats lose, you taught them a lesson (and fwiw, I do think its a legitimate message to send- the people are not happy with the actions and status quo of the DNC). Now What. Trump, the multiply indicted crime president who incited a violent mob upon the capitol, is now President. He has all the qualities you hate about Biden, AND more, except he and his administration have even less reason to be sensitive to the wishes of their democratic constituents. He is a puppet for the far right and white supremacists and christian nationalists. I really shouldn’t even have to go over this- we LIVED it already. Genuinely asking, is this what you want? Because frankly I do not think 4 more years of Trump is worth it over Biden. Your hands are not clean, this is the future you want to choose. I just don’t understand why.
"The revolution" is not an acceptable answer.
"the revolution" will outright kill people, the very ones doomers and accelerationists claim to be most concerned about. I shouldn't even have to qualify statements with "I don't like Biden". It isn't about liking it not liking him. It's about the fucking nightmare things will become under Trump. It's about surviving and working relentlessly and thanklessly for incremental change until larger change can be made, and a great many people invested in doing that work will either not survive or will be too burdened scrabbling to that they become unable to do that work. People need to fix their shit about this. In four years the fucking shitstain could be DEAD. Let's buy ourselves those four years for Christ's sake.
like i am sorry you are uncomfortable with the possibility of being complicit in the atrocities perpetrated by the global north. but guess what, you already are. it's the privilege of being a citizen in The imperial center that allows you to pretend that your uwu good person pilatepilled abstention of civic duty is morally neutral. citizenship in a power is complicity in its policy, and the only way to ease our complicity as citizens is to act with every means available to us. that includes voting.
People in the replies talking about all of the work they are doing in their communities "instead" of voting-- the restorative justice and the mutual aid and the land back and all of the other good, useful, and necessary work--
Why is this an instead? Why can you not do these things AND take a couple hours out of one day of your life to vote? Do you think any of this organization is going to be easier under Trump?
"I am doing these other kinds of activism instead of canvassing / phone banking / get out the vote" -- that makes sense! You have a finite amount of time and energy! No one can do all of the work!
"I am doing these other kinds of activism instead of voting" -- Uh-huh. And are these other kinds of activism in the room with us now? Or is your "activism" actually just "yelling on tumblr?"
If you were doing anything tangible in the world, it would be affected by the laws and policies you live under--the ones that will determine whether and what your kids eat at school; and what they learn there; and how your communities and protests are policed; and the conditions in the jails; and how likely you are to see the inside of one for sheltering undocumented people or providing abortion pills or DIY HRT.
If you were doing that work, you would know real people for whom a second Trump administration would mean deportation or forcible detransition or quitting college or going hungry, and you would need to be able to look them in the eye.
If you were doing that work, you would know that working with other people to achieve a goal sometimes requires compromising, even on issues that are important to you, but that getting things done, even incrementally, is worth that compromise.
If you were doing that work, you would have the experience of making things happen in the real world--gardens planted, children fed, houses built--and you would know that getting your hands dirty working is so, so much more satisfying than sitting alone and keeping them clean.
"I'm doing ~real important activism~ instead of voting--" Bullshit.
remember what voting is: a mock civil war
it's a battle where both sides count up how many people want one thing or another, and then instead of murdering each other, they agree to count the larger side as the winner. this is an improvement
if you can't be bothered to show up for a vote, why should anyone expect you to show up for the harder approach? if you just keep waiting until someone perfect shows up, you'll be sitting on your ass for the rest of your life
Looking back it was so funny how high school teachers would pull the "you won't be able to get away with stuff like this in college, your professors expect you to be serious" or any hint that college is a Deeply Serious place.
One year in college I took a summer class on The Canterbury Tales because the super rad professor from my "Saints, Whores, and Warriors: Women of Medieval Europe" class was teaching it and convinced me that learning all the dirty jokes in Chaucer would be a rad way to spend the summer (she was correct).
Anyway, the university assigned us a modular classroom, or a trailer, and she was pissed. It was summer semester, you really couldn't find one classroom on this whole campus for 15 freaks reading Chaucer? Really? So she decided to move the class to the little 1890s house on the other side of campus where the English department was and we could enjoy the nice former living room/dining room for the summer.
She leads us on our trek across campus, not really paying attention to us. We file inside and get seats around the table as she is unpacking her bag and getting set up. Finally she turns around to see all 15 of us eating one of these
"What the...fuck? How? Where did you all get popsicles?" Total bewilderment.
Someone explained that the GRE test prep people where handing them out to students. Her reaction was "well this is unacceptable." And she went and demanded one of her own and we all enjoyed a frozen treat as we discussed the finer point of the Knight's Tale in middle English.
Not to be confused with the time a kid showed up like 20? 30? minutes late for a different English class with the excuse "sorry, there is a bouncy castle outside and I lost track of time" to which the professor responded "There is a bounce house?! Class dismissed." and just fucking left.
i wish i was famous in the 70s so i coulda gone on the muppet show and flirted with the muppets
Yeah, yeah. It’s all fun and games until Miss Piggy tries to fight you in the studio parking lot for “stealing her man.”
literally the epicenter of why we are in the mess were in
Fuck Reagan.
Tim Curry candidly reveals an ill-fated affair during the filming of Muppet Treasure Island (1996) with Miss Piggy.
They say that Michael Caine did so well in Muppet Christmas Carol because he treated the Muppets like fellow actors, and Tim Curry did so well in Muppet Treasure Island because he treated himself like a fellow Muppet.
I’d say this counts as strong evidence toward that theory.
are evil dragons really evil, or are they just vitamin D deficient?
this is everything
fucking adore this information, and now I am laughing how the English saw it best to describe people who aren't male or female as "armed"
aka "just like me fr fr"
So Prismo got recast in the Fionna and Cake show cuz Kumail Nanjiani's agents didn't let him know the crew was trying to get him back to reprise the role
I remember back in 2011 there was a little flap caused when Weird Al put out his song “Perform This Way” for free online because Lady Gaga had denied permission to put it on his album (permission he never needed, but always got anyway). He’d been asked to supply not just lyrics but a recorded version before being denied, hence putting it out online. Fans of both artists were surprised and upset by this news.
One Weird Al fan who was massively surprised by all this was Stefani Germanotta, better known as Lady Gaga. It turns out that her manager had been the one handling the situation and never actually played the song for her. She quickly OK’ed it, and the song was still the lead-off single for the Alpocalypse.
And just makes me wonder how many of these “we actually asked but your team said no without consulting you” things happen.
This also reminds me of the Gary Larson/Jane Goodall thing, where Gary Larson (the guy who does “The Far Side”, of “Cow Tools” fame) put out the following comic:
TLDR version: The Jane Goodall Institute was not amused, and bugged Larson to pull it from publication… But Goodall herself saw it when she got back from the research trip she’d been on, thought it was HILARIOUS, and let the PR people who made the decision HAVE IT for giving him grief about it without consulting her first, before giving Larson the go-ahead herself; as a result, it got to go back into print. She even signed a copy of it for him!
One of my favorite stories, tbh.
I have heard of MANY similar stories. Especially since the strikes began. It turns out that many actors want to do indie movies, and ask their reps about it. The indie movies want them, and contact the reps. The reps refuse and never tell the actors about it.
I have also seen a situation where an author of colour wanted a certain director of colour to adapt her book, and the director also wanted to adapt the book, and both asked their agents to contact the other side… both agents returned, over and over again, for YEARS, with “refusals” from the other party. Only when they met at an event and both hesitatingly broached the subject did they find out the truth.
The Goodall story is slightly more complicated than that.
Larson got a scathing letter from the Jane Goodall society. He sent an apology, and that was that, until a few years later, when National Geographic was doing an issue dedicated to Dr. Goodall. They asked Larson if they could use the comic and he went "I would ordinarily say yes, but she was pissed about it." And they went "we know her better than that. We'll call her," and called her. And she said "hold on I have to scream at someone but yes, I freakin' loved it."
are evil dragons really evil, or are they just vitamin D deficient?
Alarm bells being rung by Maureen Johnson on AI and the Big Publishers
it’s not just about replacing big authors, it’s about replacing ghost writers completely. which will make publishing and writing for a living even more inaccessible. it’s bad all the way down.
I made another thing.
With apologies to Neil Gaiman.
No apologies needed.
Fucking rich bastards
[ID: the bugs bunny very pleasant evening meme. It’s edited to say “I wish the Supreme Court a very die.” “Die” is in all capital letters. End ID.]
MANNEQUIN HEIST
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