Living With The Guardians Of Arcadia A Guidebook For Dummies
(There's Also A Lot Of Rules)
1. When Krel invites you to a robot fight. DO NOT ACCEPT. I don’t care if the Gun Robot helped save the world, it’s not allowed back on earth.
2. Whenever Aja enters the room, you do not need to chant ‘we stan one Queen’. Just bowing once will suffice. (I don’t care how much you ‘simp’ for her Steve)
3. Grit-Shaka’s are not allowed in the Castle under any circumstances.
4. Douxie is not allowed to use the bow in the castle unless we are under attack.
5. Eli is NEVER allowed to drive.
Quick note that Douxie is also not allowed to drive if Eli is in the car with him.
6. Do not permit Krel to decorate for Christmas, it ended disastrously the first time.
7. Jim, Steve, and Douxie are not allowed to race on their vespas/motorcycle respectively.
8. The word ‘Crispy’ is officially banned by Tobias Domzalski.
9. Claire is not allowed to channel her inner ‘Nico Di Angelo’ and shadow travel to China. It nearly ended in World War 3.
10. Krel must go to bed after 2 days of no sleep. He surprisingly has good puppy dog eyes, DO NOT GIVE IN!
11. Jim is the only person allowed to cook inside the castle. Claire is allowed to make her signature guacamole. (Apparently Jim says that he prefers it if I don’t cook, but I think he’s being silly. I’ll let him have this one though.)
12. Aja and Claire are not allowed to ‘visit’ Area 49B.
13. No matter how ‘Glorious’ it would be Varvatos is not allowed to pilot the Castle
14. Weapon checks are necessary before leaving the castle. (I’m not bailing you out of jail for the 5th time Jim and Douxie).
15. Archie is not allowed to have Nougat Nummies.
This also includes Gummy Bears.
16. If Aja asks to hang out with Toby, Eli, or Douxie, one adult must be in the room.
17. If Steve’s solution involves fire. Do not follow his plan.
18. Do not allow Eli to talk to you about the following topics (especially if Douxie is in the room):
19. On occasion Douxie will read your star sign for shits n giggles, he will read your future, please stop him before somebody realizes that they are dying young.
20. Jim and Steve are not allowed to engage in fistfights.
21. Claire is not allowed to do necromancy, it works too well.
22. Please try to convince Krel that screaming explicits when an experiment fails is not good.
23. Toby and Steve are not allowed to egg on Jim to do stupid self sacrificing things ‘for the vine’.
24. The following games are not allowed to be played on Arcadia Gang Game Night:
Monopoly: That game ruins friendships.
Truth Or Dare: I’m also not bailing Claire out of jail for the 4th time.
Pokemon: I don’t even want to know what happened that night, but I don’t want a repeat.
Go Go Sushi: AAARRRGH!!! will win. There is no sense trying.
Hide & Seek: I don’t care how well your sticky spell works, hiding on the side of the castle is prohibited Douxie.
Mario Kart: No explanation needed.
25. Toby, Claire, Jim, Steve, Eli, Mary, Darci, and Shannon are not allowed in school on Saturdays. No matter if they get detention, do not allow them in.
26. No more recreations of High School Musical.
27. Microwavable Ramen is not food, Douxie, even by me. Jim is the only one allowed to cook for a reason.
28. The plants are not allowed to be fertilized, no matter how much you think Nari’s plants need them Toby.
29. No more body swaps. It got weird fast.
30. Magnets are not allowed to be put on Jim’s armour, no matter how funny the hello kitty ones are.
31. Krel and Aja have an affinity with crabs. Do not:
Cook a live crab in front of them, they will cry.
Let them give knives to crabs.
Let them keep the crabs they find at the beach.
32. Claire is not allowed to resurrect Bular for Jim to fight when he gets bored.
33. Do not fall asleep near Steve, he will draw a mustache on you.
34. Never Gonna Give You Up is banned.
35. ‘Tight Jeans’ Hank is not allowed near the Castle.
36. There will be no smiley faces drawn on Senor Uhl’s truck
37. Claire and Douxie are not allowed to spar for the safety of the world.
38. Krel and Nari are not allowed to play around with the Earth Titan and the Gun Robot.
39. Douxie cannot wack anybody in the face with Spellcaster, even if they say ‘of course you have blue hair and pronouns’
40. The entire team is not allowed near Area 49B while No Roots is playing.
41. The words ‘Tokyo Drift’ are banned.
42. Duct Tape does not fix everything, Douxie is only allowed half a roll a day.
43. Douxie is not allowed to swindle anybody with his ‘lad of fortune trick’
That said, if it’s the Arcane Order trying to destroy the world, then it’s fine.
44. Stuart’s Taco Truck is not allowed inside the Castle.
Do not give into Steve and Toby’s begging. It will only end in chaos.
45. Blinky is not allowed near fires.
46. Heavy Metal is not to be played between 12am and 6am (some people need to sleep Krel.)
47. When Claire asks you to come ‘dressed to kill’ it can go both ways
If she says it with a neutral face then she means it figuratively
If she’s smiling the same way she did while possessed with Morgana, I suggest bringing a shovel
48. Jim has the uncanny ability to convince people of random things. No Varvatos and Zadra, the mountains are not challenging your honour. Please.
49. Don’t try to give Douxie decaf. He will glare at you ominously for months
This also applies to Krel
50. No matter how hard they beg, do not give into the children asking to play Minecraft for ‘just 5 more minutes’. It will turn into an all nighter.
51. If you see Douxie holding a deck of cards please ask the following question:
What are you doing with those cards?
If he answers by asking you to play a card game without shuffling the deck, then you are safe.
If he answers by asking you to play a card game while shuffling the deck of cards. Run.
He will slice you into two with one. The only reason Blinky isn’t dead is because he’s made of stone.
52. If you see Krel talking binary with the Blanks. Don’t ask questions. Just leave the room.
53. Do not say that penguins don’t exist. Aja will believe you.
54. Stardew Valley and Subway Surfers are on thin fucking ice.
56. Claire is not allowed to play around with Zadra’s double-ended scythe
57. Nari is not allowed to create new creatures. The Billy Craggle was bad enough.
58. Fireworks are prohibited.
59. The Skeltegs and Gnomes are not allowed to get in fist fights.
Nor is betting on fights caused by a bored Varvatos
60. Douxie must take at least 2 nights off from work per week.
61. Everytime one of the team comes in from a mission, check for injuries. The whole lot of them will hide it because of their weird self-sacrificial issues.
62. Goats are not to be seen near the castle
Bessie the cow is in thin ice with the farming game
63. Bessie must be kept in the pen. No matter how much Steve begs for her to get fresh air.
64. Krel under no circumstances will be flying one of the boats.
He can though if we are in grave danger
Or at least 2 other adults with the ability to fly it are in his presence.
65. AAARRRGH!!!! will find ways to hide in Toby’s closet. Don’t ask, and leave him be.
66. Jim and Toby are not allowed to make Tube City for the hamsters.
67. Claire is not a good driver. No matter how hard she tries to convince you that she can drive. She CANNOT.
68. When they go undercover, please make sure the children are not wearing the following:
a baseball cap with a cat wearing glasses on top
Trollhunter Armour but with sunglasses
69. The children prefer outdated memes. Includingt he one with this number.
70. Eli is not allowed to be on youtube for more than 2 hours. He seems to find the dark side of it quickly
71. Claire is not allowed to speak latin under any circumstances
72. A baseball bat is not a formidable weapon. No matter how much Jim, Eli and Steve say it is.
A quick note that Jim is not allowed to throw his sword.
73. When Toby is bored he will make random badges for small accomplishments. He just throws them on you. There is no stopping it.
74. Krel is not all-knowing, he just has a lot of information inside that brain, including a very large ego.
75. If you somehow managed to anger Douxie you will be able to find him in the following places:
The roof, he uses sticky spells to stick to the side of the wall.
Don’t scream when you see a scary broody Douxie sticking to the side of the wall. You’ll just scare him.
The vents. He’s a Clint Barton kinnie
The dungeon’s closet. I know it is filled with various creepy things. Don’t ask.
76. Aja is not allowed to drive. She will find her way into a ditch. We are not sure how she passed drivers Ed.
77. The word ‘heist’ is banned
It got out of control last time.
78. Claire somehow manages to thrive in the deorganization that is her room. I know her desk is upside down. Don’t question it.
79. If Jim tells you to avenge him, even for the smallest things. You must avenge him, or else he will cause mass chaos.
80. No mentions of the ‘Gatto Surprise’ Incident.
81. Steve, Nari was just joking (I think), Nari does not eat bugs.
82. Someone please tell Krel and Aja that the Bee Movie is inaccurate. And no, the bees do not need nectar guns.
Speaking of the Bee Movie, Toby will find weird places to hide the script. Don’t ask questions. Just ignore it.
83. Douxie will eat kit kats the wrong way just to spite you. Do not anger him.
He may brood and eat kit kats the wrong way. To avoid or find him please see #75
84. Eli will look into the camera like the office, or stare to the side and say nonchalantly: ‘this is it narrator, this is my villain origin story.’
85. If Douxie says he’s going to ‘shoot the shit’, he means it literally, despite the ‘no bow in castle’ rule, he will go down to the training room and shoot at photos of people that annoy him.
86. The only take-out Jim will eat is Thai.
87. Douxie will not sleep until he collapses. Make sure that he sleeps every night.
88. There is a whole closet filled with VHS tapes. Don’t ask, AAARRRGH!!! likes them.
89. Don’t question the Gnome with the doll and peanut children.
90. Jim looks like a sweetheart. He can and will destroy you, with a sword or sass.
91. No rewriting Romeo and Juliet then acting it out ‘just for funsies’ the car chase was something else.
92. Don’t ever shout ‘rule number 3!’ in front of Jim. It ends badly.
93. The children will complain about the roaming charges while they travel around the world. It’s an inside joke that few understand.
94. Claire and Toby will talk about the ‘boneless gag’. Don’t ask what those two came up with.
95. Jim will randomly start speaking Spanish when he’s with Claire. Yes, it’s bad, no don’t tell him it’s bad.
96. There is a random army of goblins with a raccoon that will show up and bug Jim. Weirdly they listen to him
97. Blinky is not allowed near explosives.
98. Steve’s ringtone is actually ‘Buttsnack’ repeated over and over again. Don’t ask questions.
99. Don’t even try talking about the ‘bad coffee’ incident.
100. Nana will knock out police officers with a shovel. We try not to worry about it.
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