The fact that I've had to deal with people invalidating my feelings and grieving of my father because "you didn't have a normal father/daughter relationship" and "you were acting as a caregiver not a daughter" and "you aren't grieving as a child you're grieving as a caretaker" makes me so irrevocably angry. Don't tell me that I don't know how it feels to lose a parent because I fucking do. Yeah sure maybe I didn't have a dad growing up but the last five years my life revolved around that man. I took care of him 24/7 365 with very little to no help most of the time. I checked his blood sugar six times a day if not more. I fed him breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I did his shopping, laundry, paper work, phone calls, doctor appointments, weekly med minders. I did everything for my father because regardless of how things were growing up I did love him.
Things weren't easy at the beginning at all. We had to get used to each other but we figured it out and it got better as we went. But regardless of that I was constantly judged by people who were looking in from the outside who didn't know anything about what was actually going on. When I first started taking care of my dad his neighbors told me that I was doing a horrible job and that he would have been better off in a home or with somewhere they could constantly be monitoring him. They didn't understand that he didn't need to be in a home and he deserved some independence after he had been neglected and abandoned in the home he had shared with his wife. I had to deal with the judgy looks and the side eyes and murmurs any time dad would have a diabetic episode. But you know who didn't judge me? The EMTs that would come when I would have to call for their help. The same EMTs that used to be called out to dad's old house multiple times a week. They were ecstatic that dad wasn't with his wife anymore and he had meet on his bones and that he was still ALIVE. They encouraged me and they were so glad that throughout the next couple of years that I was taking care of dad the calls I had to make to them were fewer and fewer. At one point we went SIX MONTHS without having to call the paramedics.
The only people who really know what I went through with my dad the last five years are me and him. The only people who know what our relationship was like are me and my dad. Uncle Glenn, Aunt Ruth, Crystal, Aaron, Billie, Aunt Dawn, and my mom got to see our relationship from an outside perspective but they don't know exactly what it was like or the emotions involved. They don't judge how I took care of my dad.
So why is it that the people who didn't know me or my dad at all think they have the right to judge how I cared for him? Why is it that complete strangers had the audacity to try and tell my dad that I neglected him and wasn't feeding him when he always had food in the fridge and his stomach when I was taking care of him? And why now that he's gone are people thinking they have any right to tell me that I didn't have a parent/child relationship with my father who just passed away in January?
Where do you get off on saying anything about my relationship with my father? My relationship with my father that I spent the last five years taking care of. Who my entire world revolved around because I was so desperately scared of fucking up and losing. I put my everything into taking care of him and when he would have reactions and I would be alone with him doing my best to keep him alive because I didn't want to lose him not yet. That I would ask him if he knew who I was and what my birthday was because I knew those were the only questions that would let me know if he was actually okay. I pushed him to stay active and got him books to read to keep his mind going. I got him clothes, slippers, glasses, pillows, watches, and his Mushroom Swiss burger from Chili's. I lived with him and saw him every single day. I did everything for him.
So please tell me how you think you have any right telling me that I'm not grieving the loss of my dad. Please tell me how you have any right telling me I should get out and socialize and get a job and have a fucking kid. Please I'll wait for you to tell me what gives you the right to dictate my life and how I live it. I have all the fucking time in the world.
Sure you have shit going on too. I get it. Trust me I get it. But I'm not invalidating your fucking life and your fucking feelings. Because let's be honest here I could. I could invalidate you all fucking day long. I could talk about how you get money every single month, plenty to live on if you lived within your means yet you never have any past the first week of getting paid. I could talk about how you got all your belongings taken because you didn't pay on them with the money you get every single month yet you didn't spend it on your payment plans so where did it go? You don't have rent to pay either so what's going on there? Damn. I'll stop there because I could get nasty.
You're judging me so let's see exactly what you're judging yeah? Let's see what's happened the last six months of my life?
My dad was in and out of the hospital in December and January. He came home in January for almost a week where he was on hospice care and my mom and I took turns monitoring him 24 hours a day. He passed away less than an hour after I switched shifts with my mom. Then less than two weeks after he passed away I got kicked out of our apartment because the building manager lied to her boss because apparently she had been trying to find an excuse to kick me out for months because I didn't buddy up to her when she kept telling me to get rid of my emotional support dog. So I had to pack up all of mine and my dad's belongings to move into a temporary living situation in a hotel where I had to spend $300 a week for two weeks out of the small life insurance policy my dad left me. Finally when my mom came down to get me after picking up the jeep I purchased (also with the life insurance policy) we packed our stuff in there and we came to Iowa. I left the rest of my family in Missouri to come to Iowa because Iowa is home to me but I miss my family because I was with them the last five years but the idea of going back to Missouri hurts so much because my dad won't be there anymore. I didn't have an income in Missouri because I was taking care of my dad and he was a 24 hour job. So when he passed away I immediately didn't have any income coming in. The first two months I had money set aside but it's five months later and I'm so anxious and depressed that I have to try to figure out how to get to my doctor to talk with her about what to do for my mental health before I can ever think about what I'm going to do to survive. But please keep on judging me.
Go ahead and judge me because you're just judging someone who just lost their entire world at the beginning of this year. My entire world came to a screeching hault at the beginning of January and has consistently been a shit show since then. That's who you're judging. A 28 year old person who's last five years were taking care of their parent 24 hours a day 7 days a week.
I'm doing my fucking best here. I'm really fucking trying. I don't think I deserve the behavior I've had to put up with and you're really making me fucking hate being back in Iowa. So how about you focus on yourself and leave me and my family the fuck alone. You make me so fucking mad dude. I've smiled and put up with your shit this long but I'm done. I'm so fucking done playing nice and considerate and well behaved. My mom raised me with manners but man I don't think you deserve them anymore. The sooner we can put you in the rearview mirror and never see you again the fucking better in my honest to God opinion.
