a seasick kraken @shehulkcankickmyassanytime - Tumblr Blog

Your partner came back from the dead after being missing for decades. Every one of their friends who they went with ended up dying a horrible death.

Now, somehow, their entire mental health is based on the continued life and happiness of this fairground goldfish that they picked up.

Neither of you know the first thing about how to care for even a healthy fish. This fish has been poorly cared for, has multiple diseases and the person who handed it over explicitly didn't expect it to live nearly as long as it already has.

You're frantically googling how to set up a fish tank, where to buy fish food, can you even take a fish to the vet? Your partner wants you to know that they're happy they made it home and survived their horrific ordeal, but also that if anything happens to the fish then they're going to kill everyone on this planet and then themself.

You're honestly wondering if you're even helping the fish, or just prolonging its suffering, but your partner will only accept medical help for their many injuries or engage in basic self-care once they're confident that the fish is being looked after.

So you get a tank. You set up a filter and all that stuff. You learn way more than you ever wanted to know about water temperature and ph and nitrate levels. The fish is safe. You start to develop some affection for the little guy. Your partner begins to recover. The fish begins to recover.

Which is when you learn that in its 'healthy' state, the fish regularly refuses to sleep when tired, keeps begging for food that is obviously unhealthy for it (and struggling to eat the food that you do provide because “it tastes gross”), and continually tries to persuade your partner to take it out of its nice safe tank so it can go explore the wonderful world of Outside, where the slightest mishap will kill it instantly.

Your name is Adrian, and you kind of wants to strangle this fucking fish, statement.

newlyy

Not that I think all marriages are doomed but when deciding who to marry you should ask yourself “is this someone I’d want to divorce?” As in, is this someone I believe would be mature and fair, even when they’re upset and don’t particularly like me at the moment. Is this someone I could continue to trust while going through an adversarial process? And if the answer is no, don’t marry them.

bonesbeetle

compilation of my all-time favorite tweets

foldingfittedsheets

musicofthe-ainur

Am I the only person who thought this was really fucking funny

eleemosynecdoche

A lot of the really funny moments in Lord of the Rings come from Tolkien playing with language like this, where we have relatively formal, archaic, “high” language responded to with informal, modern, “low” language.

modernclaire

another hilarious example:

lotrmusical

my absolute favorite example of tolkien switching registers in this way is

dukeofbookingham-deactivated202

unamccormack

I like how in the first example Gandalf is employing the kind of sass that the hobbits have been using on him for generations now.

transgender-dumpster-princess

For me a big part of “sex work is work” is that sex work should be socially viewed as totally legitimate work. I should be able to put sex work on my resume. I should be able to lean on the skills and knowledge I gain in this field and have that experience be respected. Right now I have a gap in my resume. But I’m also consistently doing advertising, social media management, inventory, merchandising, customer service, upselling!!! I’m working self directed, I’m solely responsible for every aspect of my business. I deserve respect, fuck.

seerya

True

jellypy

"What I wanted in that moment was not answers, not explanations, not even freedom. What I wanted was for this not to be happening."

— T. Kingfisher, Wolf Worm

an-endless-library

"There is a crazy-wild delight that comes over you when you discover something new, something extraordinary. If you try to share that and people look at you blankly, it's crushing. But if there's someone else there to say really?! and take fire with enthusiasm alongside you - well, that will keep you going for a long time." - Hemlock & Silver by T. Kingfisher

phantomrose96

Boss tries to fire me for poor performance but I punch the ground and spit out blood and say "No... this isn't how this ends" while my leitmotif plays

phantomrose96

Boss fires me for my poorly-composed leitmotif

iero

T-shirt that says "I'M SORRY FOR THE PERSON I BECOME WHEN I'M OVERHEATED"

unpretty

you know what i don’t see enough of? circus kid dick grayson critiquing the joker because he’s a bad clown. not like, bad, and also a clown. but bad at being a clown. i want to see dick grayson taking the existence of this horrible clown very personally as a matter of professional pride. he has known clowns, and you, sir, are no clown. the joker is an insult to the legacy of emmett kelly and this shall not stand.

unpretty

@poodlemonkeyishere replied:

Does the Joker have an egg in the official clown headquarters?

…

the clown egg registry

i forgot about the clown egg registry

do you think they refuse because he’s not a real clown

like someone inquires about the joker and so they put out a press release to state that not only is he not registered with clowns international, they will not be accepting applications from the fucking joker, because he’s not even a clown and he doesn’t even wear makeup, you don’t get to register your regular-ass non-clown face

batman has to theoretically protect the fucking clown egg registry from the joker throwing a tantrum, but quite frankly he doesn’t have to do much because it’s the joker versus an army of real actual clowns defending the history of their noble profession

sigiledpaladin

I REPEAT the best idea I ever had was the Batman having to DEFEND the JOKER from THE CLOWNS. Imagine The Joker, running pellmell down a parking garage as clowns crawl, dozens from every car, from the ventilation, from the sewer grates, each one calling “WHERE IS YOUR EGG”