I caught a violent case of shipping off of Disco Elysium then after a year of that got whacked in the head with the Bowuigi stick. Now it’s my entire personality.
Bowser opened his eyes. Luigi was lying next to him in bed. Bowser closed his eyes.
.
.
.
.
.
Bowser opened his eyes again. Luigi was still lying next to him. Bowser closed his eyes.
.
.
.
.
.
Bowser opened his eyes. Again.
Luigi was still there!
They slammed shut.
!
!
!
!
!
…
They opened.
.
.
.
.
.
Still there. Snoring with his back arched into Bowser’s arm, like those arms didn’t end in claws that had tried to shred him again and again and-
.
.
.
.
.
His skin was soft. Thick curly hair rasped ever so lightly as a scaly palm ran over his torso.
.
.
.
.
.
Bowser swallowed hard.
This wasn’t a dream.
————
Bowser walked Luigi to the gates himself. Didn’t talk. Didn’t look. When Luigi looked, his expression was…
Weird.
A weird little thinking frown.
It didn’t seem angry, but Luigi couldn’t really tell what Bowser was feeling.
Luigi couldn’t tell what Luigi was feeling, either. Not bad. Good? Mmm… no.
Lighter, maybe. Floaty.
How in the hell-? He remembered the Grand Prix, their surprise teamup, their even more surprising victory, and then sometime during the afterparty Bowser had scooped him up and-
Redfaced, he looked back at Bowser, waiting in the door. Uncertain.
And Luigi
blew him
a kiss.
Bowser fainted.
————
Luigi sat across from Bowser and began, “I appreciate you being so willing to have this conversation.”
*Nod* “Of course.”
“Because in spite of everything I’ve actually really enjoyed our time together-“
*Smug grin* “Oh yeah?”
“-and I really- uh, yeah- um, and I really do want to… continue. Being… together. Like. This.”
*Bashful grin* “Me too.”
“But given the history of… certain parties at this table, I think it’s important to communicate, make sure we’re on the same page.”
“I totally agree. So, spring wedding?”
“It’s been two days!”
“I know! I made you wait. But-“
Communication takes time.
————
Negotiations dragged, but Bowser, eventually, reluctantly, agreed to start with dating.
Luigi didn’t want to go public until he knew the relationship had legs.
Bowser sent out a public proclamation the day after their hookup.
Oops.
After Mario’s (rational) fears had been assuaged and Bowser recovered from the concussion, things went surprisingly smoothly.
Luigi shouldn’t have been surprised that Bowser went overboard with gifts and courtship, but, well, he wasn’t exactly a princess.
Bowser was surprised every day. How had he never noticed how perfect Luigi was for him?
Time passed, and eventually Luigi agreed.
A spring wedding sounded great.
————
Kamek officiated, naturally. He knew his impatient king, and kept the ceremony as short as tradition allowed. Vows came quickly.
The King went first, “Luigi, I just wanna be married to you already, but every time I tried to write these stupid vows my feelings just kept pouring out. There’s too many reasons to love you. I’d need a lifetime to list them all.” He grinned. “So get ready for that.”
“Want me to save these for later, then?” Luigi dropped a thick stack of papers from his jacket.
“I do.”
They were kissing before Kamek could say another word.
Where there are volcanoes, you will find hot springs. It’s one of nature’s many little consolations for letting you live near an uncertain burning crushing death.
The Koopa Kingdom, being half active lava flow at the best of times and completely uninterested in promoting tourism, was lousy with pristine steaming pools, in every size, shape, and depth imaginable, with temperatures ranging from lukewarm to wet magma.
The deep rocky lakelet Luigi was visiting with his husband and some of their children was on a setting he’d describe as “poached plumber.” Apparently it was the perfect swimming temperature for Koopas. Bowser was sprawled out on shellback, floating in perfectly balanced bliss, his plastron just inches above the water’s surface.
Luigi, muggy and relaxed, laid on top of him to get a break from the heat. He rested his chin on his hands and marveled at the kids’ energy. Larry, Lemmy, and Junior were splashing and screaming through the scalding water with all the verve of children at the local pool.
Actually, there was a lot of screaming going on. Luigi cracked an eyelid. Playing had evolved into playful roughhousing, and from the way Larry was glaring as Junior argued stubbornly for five points in whatever game they had made up, it seemed likely to drop the playful part very soon.
“Bowser,” Luigi patted his living raft lightly.
“Muh,”
“Kids.”
“Muh?”
“Listen.”
Bowser raised his head a little further out of the water, then sank back in with a lazy sigh. “They’re playing, they’re fine.”
Luigi propped himself up and tried to wake up a little. “They’re about to drown Junior.”
“Water’s fulla minerals. He’ll float. An’ he knows how to store air in his shell.”
“Bowser…”
He let out a theatrical groan, “Darling, Tesoro, love of my life, I spent all last night staring at numbers tryin’ to make ‘em into bigger numbers. Now I’m sooo close to that inner peace junk everyone keeps yappin’ at me about, and you want me to give it all up…” dramatic pause “for this.”
Luigi snorted in spite of himself. Bowser always got silly in the water. “Just say something. Please?”
Bowser sighed again. “Kids!” he barked without moving his head or opening his eyes. “Don’t drown your brother!”
Three young voices chorused back in the key of whine:
“I wasn’t really!”
“BJ’s not cheating good enough!”
“They can’t drown me, shuddup!”
Languid, Bowser’s paw came up and made a vague saluting gesture in Luigi’s general direction before sinking back down. “Arright, got their attention. Take it from here, partner.”
“You know, I was up last night doing the same inventory you were,” Luigi pointed out in a reasonable tone of voice.
“That’s prob’ly why you’re so anxious right now,” Bowser drawled back. “How ‘bout you lie back down and we take a nap?” He started pretending to snore.
Luigi rolled his eyes and clapped his hands before the Koopalings went back to their alleged attempted principicide. “Calmati bambini, calmati! Pummeling each other never stays fun for long!”
“It’s not fun when someone’s cheating either!”
“But we used to fight you and Zio Mario and that was always fun!”
“There’s nothing better to do! It’s boring here!”
Luigi shook his head. “C’mon, now, that’s not true. I’m sure there’s lots of fun games you haven’t played yet.”
<<<“Like what?”>>> the chorus briefly became a choir. Luigi faltered slightly under the weight of their attention.
“Uh,” he sat up and looked around, ignoring Bowser beneath him trying to keep his equilibrium as he shifted. “Uhm,” This was a pretty barren spot, all things considered. “Why don’t you…” Not much around to spark the imagination, unless they wanted to hit each other with rocks, which they definitely would. An ancient scree pile had calved into the water at some point, leaving a sheer jagged cliff face of half-compressed stone towering over the edge of the spring…
Luigi waved his arm vaguely at it, “Why don’t you climb to the top of that and see who can do the best cannonball?”
He was met by three blank stares. Lemmy tilted his head and eyeballed Luigi. “How do you… do a cannonball?”
“Oh, it’s a word for-“
“You mean make them, right?” In the tone of one correcting an obvious mistake, Larry said, “Only Morton knows that spell, Babbo. He left to spar with Roy.”
“No, it’s just a type of-“
“You want us to poop on each other!?” Junior yelled out of nowhere. Luigi went red and waved his arms, but his words were drowned out by Lemmy and Larry’s uproarious laughter. Bowser’s chest heaved like he was holding in a giggle too, but when Luigi whipped around to glare he was still pretending to be asleep.
Arms crossed and pouting, Junior tried to defend himself, “well you fire cannonballs at the ground out of airships, so-“ his voice faded to an embarrassed mumbling.
“Look, why don’t I just show you myself,” Luigi cut in at the first lull. He dipped a foot into the water and suppressed a yelp. In his own embarrassment he’d forgotten it was hot.
“Too late to back down now,” Bowser muttered under his breath. Luigi shot him one more glare and grit his teeth as he slid off of him. He swam awkwardly to the edge of the pool and clambered up the back of the rocky slope.
He looked down at the pool. All the Koopas were watching him. Even Bowser had opened his eyes and stood up. “It’s all good, Luigi,” he kept murmuring to himself. “If it was actually gonna hurt you, you’d bounce off it and Bowser would catch you.”
Waiting made it worse. Before he could lose his nerve he closed his eyes and did a high jump off the cliff. He yelled, “Cannonball!” for the sake of tradition, then tucked his legs and arms in and braced for impact.
A minor slap on the behind, and it was over. The splash sounded big. Being submerged wasn’t as hot as Luigi had been expecting. Then a few seconds passed and it was even hotter. Luckily Bowser had been right about the water being buoyant. He broke the surface and fought to get his face away from the heat.
“There,” he told the kids. “Whoever makes the biggest splash wins.”
“Wins what?” The question shot out of Junior like a bullet.
Luigi scratched his head. He hadn’t thought that far. “Uhhhh… five coins?”
Junior paused and digested this information. “Why do we need coins?”
“People use them to buy stuff,” Lemmy explained.
“Oh.” Junior paused and digested this information. “But we don’t use coins. We just… get stuff.”
“That’s ’cuz King Dad’s the King.”
“Oh.” Junior paused and digested this information. “That’s a dumb prize.”
Luigi’s mustache twitched to the one side. “Well excuse me. I’m not royalty.”
Lemmy continued being helpful. “Yeah you are, ‘cuz you married King Dad.”
“I knew that wedding was too good to be true,” Bowser rumbled with a smirk.
From across the dimensional barrier, Luigi felt his blue-collar parents tossing and turning in their sleep. He put up his hands. “Okay, okay. Forget the coins. How about winner gets to choose what I make for dinner tonight?” Bowser raised his eyebrows. Before he could say anything, though, the kids were tumbling over each other trying to climb the bluff.
“One at a time!” Luigi shouted. “And you have to beat my splash too!”
“I don’t think you thought this through, Babbo,” called a voice from the shore. Luigi turned to see Iggy. He was back from his hike, setting down a few interesting-looking stones underneath their parked Clown Car.
“What do you mean, Iggy?” Luigi called back.
Iggy turned and pointed to his shell with a thumb. “Surface area.”
Above them, Larry yelled “Cannonball!”
“Oh no…” Luigi started swimming away, but he was too late. The wave from Larry’s impact swamped him. His eyeballs felt like they were being steamed. He surfaced with a sputter and continued his journey to the shore.
Larry surfaced with a gleeful squeal. “I want homemade Thwomp Burgers for dinner, Babbo- hey! Why’re you looking away, did you even see me!”
Luigi turned back. “I saw you, Larry! Great jump. You still have to beat your siblings, though.”
“That was the biggest splash ever!” Larry insisted. “No way is BJ gonna blblblshblub-“ He’d made Luigi’s mistake of not leaving the danger zone. Junior splashed down every bit as violently as his brother had. They both came back up coughing and whining. Luigi waded back in to help, but Junior pushed him off and wheezed triumphantly, “Spicy fried chicken!”
Larry, who had been crying to Luigi about water in his nose, abruptly shifted his attention to Junior. “No way! My splash was bigger than yours!”
“Nuh-uh! I saw it from above, it was tiny!”
“That’s because you were far away!”
Luigi tried to mediate. “Don’t worry boys, Iggy’s watching on the shore. He can judge the splashes.”
“But he’ll just pick Lemmy ‘cuz they’re twins!”
“Guys, look out! Lemmy!” Iggy shouted.
“See!” Junior shrieked. Luigi didn’t hear him. He was looking up. Lemmy had pulled his wand from somewhere and was busily gathering magic. With a wave, an orange and yellow bouncy ball just slightly smaller than the circumference of the pool appeared in the air and began a stately descent.
Luigi didn’t keep watching. He grabbed Junior and Larry by an arm and towed them with all the strength his legs could muster. It was too slow. Both kids were almost his size already, and much, much heavier.
If Luigi had kept watching, he’d have seen Lemmy jump off the cliff and bounce lightly off the ball, speeding its descent. He turned a neat triple backflip in the air, deliberately killing his momentum at just the right moment to fall spiky shell-side down. He caught up with the apex of the ball just as its nadir kissed the water below it, and fell through.
-BOOM-
The wave exploded outwards. For a second there was a massive crater in the lake’s surface, then it collapsed back in on itself, dragging Luigi and the other two Koopalings with it. Water crashed in from all sides and spat out a column that threw them several meters in the air.
After he hit the water a chaos of churning and burning bubbles was all Luigi could see for a while. Eventually he figured out which direction was up and swam to it. He broke the surface to find a pouting Junior and Larry staring at a line of bubbles in the center of the pool.
Lemmy didn’t keep them waiting. He burst out of the water with a triumphant cheer of “Breakfast for dinner! BREAKFAST FOR DINNER! Yeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhhh!”
<<“You cheated!”>> shouted Junior and Larry in stereo.
“Mamma Mia…” Luigi covered his eyes and rubbed his forehead as the arguing came back around.
“I still jumped.”
“You used a ball to make the splash!”
stomp
“No, I used my shell, like you.”
Stomp
“You used your shell on a ball!”
Luigi looked up. There was another sound besides the kids yelling. It sounded like-
“We didn’t use magic, so you can’t use magic!”
Stomp
-slow, deliberate footsteps-
“All Babbo said was to do a cannonball and make the biggest splash and I did.”
STOMP
-getting closer-
STOMP
-somewhere over their heads.
Luigi looked around. Bowser was not in the pool.
“Babbo! Lemmy cheated!”
“We wanna do-over!”
Luigi looked up just in time to see Bowser bend his knees for a big jump-
“SWIM TO THE SHORE, KIDS! NOW!” Luigi screamed. The three of them looked up at Luigi’s tone, followed his gaze to their father, and took off through the water.
Bowser jumped, high, high into the air. Higher than should have been possible from a standing start. At the top of his arc he did a somersault in the air and curled into a ball, his shell magically stretching and shifting to become a perfect spiked sphere.
Luigi and the kids had just managed to get their hands on the edge of the pool when a cry of-
“CANNONBAAALLLLLL!”
-came hurtling out of the sky on a flaming ball of spikes.
It was a very different type of BOOM than the one that Lemmy had made. Water flew up in a single mass and pattered down as torrential rain.
“This is why I put my sulfur under the car!” Iggy yelled over the scalding downpour.
“That’s great, son!” Luigi yelled back, “Wish I was down there right now!”
It was over in a few seconds. Luigi, his skin bright red, crept up to the edge of the pool.
It was a crater. Maybe an inch or two of water left in it. More water flowed from a crack about halfway up the wall. It would be awhile before it was full again.
And there at the bottom, on his shell, spikes wedged in the stone, looking more than a little sheepish, was-
Inspired in part by this box comic from @cbfanart . Starting position is closer to this other box comic from @batneko
They awoke confused and disoriented, as everyone does in this situation.
Bowser was confused because he was propped on his shell in a corner.
Luigi was confused because the soft, warm leather couch he’d been drooling on was moving.
“Wah!”
“GWAH!?”
“B-B-B-B-Bow-”
“YOU!?”
Bowser and Luigi were trapped.
Together.
In a box.
Despite having no visible seams or openings, the box was perfectly well lit. Luigi froze, seeing that massive fanged maw a few inches from his eyes. When Bowser tried to shift himself upwards, he lost his balance and tumbled backwards, hitting his head on the wall behind him. He tried to stand up, and hit his head on the ceiling.
There was nowhere to put his feet that wasn’t Bowser, who was pretty annoyed about it, judging from the thick black smoke pouring from his mouth and nostrils. If Luigi had been a teensy bit less terrified, he’d wonder why the box wasn’t filling up with it.
“WHAT IS THIS? WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?” Bowser thundered.
“M-me!?” Luigi squeaked.
Bowser glared back fiercely. “Yes, YOU! The annoying skinny green copy of Mario! Where are we!? How did you trap me in here!?”
There seemed to be a slight glow in the back of Bowser’s throat as he roared. Luigi cringed and put up his hands for all the good it would do him. “Who-whoa there, uh, b-big guy, hold on a sec! If this was a trap for you, why would I be stuck in it?”
“OBVIOUSLY you were the bait!”
“I… wha…?” Luigi rubbed his head. It was still hurting from the knocks he’d taken. “Why would you get into a box just because I was in it?”
“I WOULDN’T! I DIDN’T! I just woke up here! In your trap!”
Luigi gave up on trying to stand, but he wasn’t about to lay his hands on an angry King Koopa without permission. He crouched on his heels, trying to keep his balance as Bowser kept shifting beneath him. “Look, Bowser,” he said, low and calm, trying to keep the tremor out of his voice, “I promise, this wasn’t my plan. I just woke up here too. Whoever did this, they did it to both of us.”
“Hmph,” Bowser grunted. “Who would want to trap both of us? And why you?”
Luigi tried not to let the emphasis on that last word get to him. ‘Why you?’ He must’ve heard that spoken at least once a day since moving to the Mushroom Kingdom. So what if Bowser thought so too, so what if-
A faint glingle-glingle pulled Luigi’s attention away from his burgeoning self-loathing. A shimmering point of light shed glitter as it traced words that hung in the air between his face and Bowser’s. In an exaggeratedly flowy cursive script that was somehow legible from both sides, they read:
Escape is but a single kiss away.
Luigi let out a sigh of relief. “Oh, thank goodness.”
“WHAT!” Bowser bellowed, the green scales above his snout shifting to red in a chameleonic blush. “You… you want to kiss me?”
It was Luigi’s turn to blush. “Uh, NO! Of- of course not! B-but if we have to… I mean… at least it’s easy, you know?” He leaned in, only to meet Bowser’s paw.
“Nuh-uh.”
Luigi sputtered and pushed the hand aside. Bowser was looking away and pouting. “Wha- Why?! C’mon! Let’s just get it over with, so you can stand and I can breathe!”
“Nuh-uh,” Bowser repeated stubbornly.
“Why not!?” Luigi almost whined. The small space felt like it was heating up. He tried to take a deep breath and realized he’d been getting lightheaded.
“Uh, let’s see,” Bowser said in a petulant tone. He held up a finger on the hand he’d shoved into Luigi’s face. “One, you’re not Princess Peach. Two, you look just like the man who steals Princess Peach from me on a regular basis.”
“We’re not identical twins,” Luigi protested.
“Oh and I’m s’posed to fold like a house o’ cards just cuz you’re the hot one, is that it?”
“I’m what…?”
“AND three, MOST importantly,” Bowser went on, “I’ve got an all-powerful wizard on my payroll who comes whenever I call him and does anything I need. Kamek!” he called in triumph.
A few seconds passed.
“Kamek!” Bowser said again, louder this time.
His patience lasted two more seconds.
“RRRRRRGH!" Bowser started hollering at the top of his lungs. "Kamek! Kamek Kamek KAMEK KAMEKKAMEKKAM-”
“SHUT UP!” Luigi screamed, then immediately covered his mouth on realizing what he’d done
It certainly surprised Bowser. He stared at Luigi in silence for a moment, jaw agape, before he recovered and went back to pouting at the wall. “Fine. Stupid magic box is blocking the signal. But he’ll notice I’m gone before too long. I just gotta wait.”
“N-no…” Luigi started shaking. “I-I c-can’t be s-s-stuck like this!” He knew he was hyperventilating but he couldn’t stop. “Please, Bowser! I gotta get out of here NOW!”
“Sounds like your pro-” Bowser was cut short as Luigi lunged at him. “Hey! Quit it! What’s wrong with you?”
“I just fucking TOLD YOU, you ASSHOLE!” Luigi yelled. He tried to stand and fell forward again. Cursing, sobbing, he pulled himself up and started beating the walls of the box with his fists hard enough to bruise. “HEELLLP!” he screeched at the top of his lungs. “SOMEBODY GET ME OUT O- *cough* *hack* *wheeze” His breath came even shallower. He ripped his hat off and started desperately pulling at his overalls. Every bump against the walls as he thrashed reminded him just how small the box was. “Oh my god. Oh my god, oh my god OH MY GOD OH MY GODOH MY GOO- mph!” The paw came back, just two fingers on his lips this time. Luigi’s frantic, swimming eyes slowly came back into focus.
“Shut up,” Bowser said. Despite the curt treatment, he looked shaken. “Just- just relax for a second, okay?” He withdrew his hand. “Close your eyes.”
Luigi could barely speak, he was so terrified. “W-wh-why-why w-w-w-wo-”
“Just shut up and do it,” Bowser commanded. There was something like steel in his voice. Luigi’s eyes snapped shut before he knew what he was doing.
“Arright,” Bowser said, gruff but gentle. “Now just gimme a second…” While Luigi tried to breathe, Bowser retreated into his shell. First his head, so he could stand up too. Luigi slid off of him. He retracted his spikes and backed as far into the corner as he could. Then he brought his arma and legs in, lowering himself slowly to avoid tipping over and crushing Luigi with his plastron. He peeked his head out when there was room. Luigi was standing on the floor of the box. “Okay, now put your arms straight out, to either side. Really give ‘em a stretch.”
Luigi whimpered, “Nuh-uh.”
Bowser tried not to lose his patience. “Look, this thing is big enough for me, that means it’s big enough for you. Now put your damn arms out.”
Luigi did so, shivering and trying not to bend them where they could bump into the back wall or Bowser. No matter how far he stretched, he couldn’t touch either side of the box. His breathing started slowing down.
“There ya go. Now stretch ‘em up, over your head, high as they’ll go. See? No walls, nothing. Yer not in a box at all,” Bowser’s voice was gentle, encouraging even. Luigi couldn’t help trusting it. You’re not in a box. You can stretch, you can move. Just keep your eyes closed and you’re not in a box.
“Okay,” Bowser continued slowly. “I’m gonna come back out of my shell and grab you now.” Luigi whimpered again. “It’s okay, you’re not trapped, I’m just gonna hold you, all gentle-like, and bring your lips up to mine, okay?” Luigi’s eyelids fluttered in surprise. He almost opened them to stare at Bowser but the Koopa barked, “Eyes shut!”
“Y-you- you’re really going to do it?” he asked. “F-for me?”
“Whatever,” Bowser tried to brush it off. “Might as well. I got a kid and a kingdom to get back to, after all.”
“I…thank you, Bowser. Really.” Luigi meant it. He’d never seen, or heard, rather, the fearsome King of the Darklands be so gentle before. He wouldn’t have believed it was possible. Massive, muscular hands closed around him, and they were gentle, too.
“Shut up,” Bowser said again, and Luigi felt the rumble of his deep, powerful voice; through those paws, through his clothes, through his skin and into his bones, where it settled, steadying him.
“Pucker up,” the voice was right next to his head. He thought he might think of the teeth that lined the mouth that voice was coming out of, as he so often did when they were near. Instead a vision of Bowser’s flaming red eyes presented itself, looking as they had when he’d stopped Luigi’s panic attack. Soft, full of concern. Cozy, glowing like embers in a fireplace. He found himself leaning in, as though he could study the inside of his eyelids more closely.
Then he met Bowser’s lips. They were huge. But puckered very deliberately, with only the lightest amount of suction. He’d definitely practiced kissing humans before. They still eclipsed Luigi’s tiny mouth completely. He repositioned slightly to get a little more purchase on Bowser’s lower lip and started kissing back.
Bowser was a surprisingly good kisser, Luigi discovered. Slow and generous, but powerful. Implacable. Where Bowser decided to kiss you, that was where you would be kissed. Instead of pulling away Luigi kissed him again. And again.
And again, deeper this time. He was suddenly aware of Bowser’s hands on his body in a way he hadn’t been before. Even through his clothes, they felt soft and silky smooth, with just a bit of scaly texture, almost like snakeskin. Curious, he brought his own arms up and clasped Bowser’s neck, larger, pebbly scales sliding under his touch. He started leaning his weight into Bowser, squirming lightly against the more leathery texture of his plastron.
Bowser let out a quiet little moan, and Luigi came back to himself. He opened his eyes and pulled away to look up. The top of the box had disappeared. “Hey… hey, Bowser.” He turned back to the Koopa King, who was still holding him. He’d closed his own eyes at some point, and his mouth was still puckered.
Slowly the eyes opened as Bowser murmured, “Why’d you stop?” The dreamy expression on his face made Luigi start to blush again.
“The- uh, the box is open,” he stuttered and looked away.
“Huh? The what? Oh.” Bowser looked around, waking up. “Guess it is.” He sat up again. “Where are we, anyway?”
Luigi stood tiptoe on Bowser’s crossed legs and looked over the edge of the box. “I see gray flagstones and red carpeting with gold highlights. I think we’re somewhere in your castle.”
“Any sign of Kamek?”
“Nnnno, doesn’t look like anyone’s around. I think this is a storeroom or something.”
“Mm,” Bowser nodded. “So… you… wanna kiss some more?”
Luigi’s eyebrows went up. “You… really?” He stared.
Bowser blushed too. Quietly he said, “I-I mean, if you want to.” He couldn’t meet Luigi’s eyes.
Luigi looked at that big bashful face for about five seconds before coming to a decision. He held that fleshy jaw cupped in both hands and made those startled red eyes look directly into his. “I’d love to,” he said, and leaned in.
It was even better with tongue.
And thus did the Box fulfill its purpose yet again.
//sigh, they just get longer. The last one I tried to write turned into a full AO3 draft.//
We can rest easy. No matter how cute Luaisy is in the next movie (and it will be cute, of that we may be certain), we can rest easy knowing Luigi is permanently ensconced in Bowser’s lineup of unattainable dreams.
For an officially licensed Nintendo production that keeps him a villain, this is the best possible outcome. In fact it’s more than I dared to hope for.
Okay okay so post-Galaxy Bowuigi idea. Luigi’s gone through his character arc, he’s trying to be braver, and his fears of Bowser specifically have totally evaporated. (Maybe slightly canon-divergent depending on how the actual story shakes out)
Alright, he thinks. Obviously Bowser backslides when bombarded with the unconditional validation of all his loving minions and family. Obviously it’s going to be a prolonged process getting through to him. But even after everything that Bowser’s done, even after everything he said, Luigi knows that he was really trying for a minute there. He really seemed to recognize that changing his ways would be healthier for him as well. Luigi wouldn’t have had such blind faith in Bowser’s ability to improve if he hadn’t actually been showing signs of improvement.
So Luigi shows up at Bowser’s castle uninvited. Obliviously, enthusiastically cheerful as only movie!Luigi can be. Picture Bowser advancing menacingly, half-silhouetted in the lava light. “Hey Big Guy! Brought your tiny castle in case you wanted to reminisce (Bowser steps on it) Whoa Yeah bad call on my part didn’t mean to embarrass you in front of your minions! Anyway, good thing I took out all your little canvasses out first! Here, look! (Luigi drops them just in time to jump back from the fireball Bowser burns them in) Yeah I bet they seem so tiny now, don’t they! But I bet that doesn’t matter for your little bonsai buddy! Surprise- oh!” (Bowser pretends to crush it in his hand, but at the end of the chapter we find out he saved it to keep tending to it in his room. He actually likes complaining to his bonsai buddy.)
Now, if this was first-movie!Luigi, this wouldn’t actually be much of a problem for Bowser. He’d lock Luigi up and use him as bait for his brother. Unfortunately for Bowser, this isn’t the first movie. He hasn’t even finished dictating the ransom letter before Luigi breaks out. Fine. Whatever. At least he‘s out of Bowser’s hair. And after a repeat visit to his old friend Mr. Dangling Lava Cage he’ll think twice about stepping so casually into Bowser’s domain again with all that buddy-buddy Bullyshit.
Except Luigi comes back. And keeps coming back. Every. Single. Day. Always cheerful, always acting like nothing happened the last time. Always with some new excuse.”Sorry! I think I left my other hat behind in your cage but I couldn’t find it. Since I’m here anyway, you wanna hang out?” “I thought you looked a little stressed last time, and I was worried you might have forgotten your breathing exercises.” “Hey I accidentally made an extra twenty pounds of spaghetti and meatballs and I remembered how much you used to love it!” And no matter how Bowser tries to keep him locked down, he slips out. The guards all swear up and down that they don’t know how he does it, but Bowser spies the occasional green-wrapped package being delivered to the soldiers’ barracks. A lot of troops leave the mess early on those nights.
Why doesn’t Bowser just kill him? Well, …hey, yeah, why doesn’t Bowser just kill him? Why has the thought of getting rid of Luigi not even occurred to Bowser? He was fully prepared to do it months ago, just to make his wedding special. And why does thinking about that now make Bowser so… uncomfortable? It’s not like he’s actually changed at all, has he? He was always just stringing Luigi along, right?
<<insert flashbacks of Mini Bowser slowly growing more considerate and letting genuine vulnerability slip over several visits after receiving his toy castle cause we all know the movie ain’t got time for that>>
Bowser being himself, he doesn’t bother trying to answer those questions. They’re annoying. He just wants to ignore them. He stops trying to imprison Luigi and just kicks him out when he shows up. Luigi, mostly because Mario is concerned about it, starts scaling his visits back to a few times a week.
One day Luigi arrives at the castle with a handful of properly sized canvasses and bunch of paint bottles. “Back when your son tried to kill me I noticed he was using a giant paintbrush does he like to paint too? Maybe him and your wizard dad can join us and we can all have a little art therapy jam session togeth- ougguh!” (Bowser grabs him and throws him out the window)
Despite throwing Luigi out, painting with Junior actually sounds like a good idea. He’s been so focused on his own evil schemes since becoming a teenager, and Bowser feels like they haven’t had any good father-son time since the Galaxy plot. He brings all the arts supplies Luigi left behind to his son and they have a good messy time together. Junior is surprised, his dad has always supported his painting, but he never seemed interested in doing it himself before. Bowser is surprised by how much he missed painting. He and Junior start setting aside a day every week or two to paint together.
One day a serving Koopa stumbles with a dish of Bowser’s favorite food. Bowser takes a deep breath, preparing to add a new Dry Bones to the staff lineup, and… lets the breath out. He takes another, deeper one, and he just feels calmer. It was an accident, after all, and he’s the king. It’s not like he can’t just order the cooks to make more. The Koopa falls over himself in gratitude, and all around him Bowser hears politely muffled praise for his “great magnanimity.”
It doesn’t occur to him that he was using Luigi’s breathing exercises until he’s about to go to sleep that night.
One day Bowser is aimlessly wandering his castle. Junior’s been away a lot lately. Kamek is dealing with something boring and clerical. The minions are all fawning and polite, but it’s hard to hold a conversation with them. Their awe is so immediate, so unconditional, that it’s starting to feel a little empty. Bowser can’t deny it any longer. He’s still lonely.
He enters his personal chambers to find Luigi (he bribed the guards with food) admiring a painting Bowser had been working on in his own time. “Wow, your style is so much more evocative at full size I love how you use your brushstrokes to imitate the heat haze from the fire and lava.”
Compliments are definitely Bowser’s weakness. With nothing else to do, he lets Luigi tell him what a great artist he is for a while and gets caught up in an enjoyable conversation almost without realizing it. He hasn’t really had a lot of good conversations lately with everyone around him being an employee or a child.
Luigi manages to stay on Bowser’s good side for an hour or so before he says something to annoy the Koopa King and leaves via the window, same as always. But it doesn’t matter. He knows he’s IN.
He starts visiting a little more frequently again, at a regular time. Sometimes Bowser still throws him out, but usually they spend at least a few hours chatting. Snacks and drinks and a Luigi-sized chair start showing up after the third or fourth successful visit. They start talking about their days, their hobbies, their families. Not much self-improvement talk but Luigi doesn’t really mind. It’s going to be slow. At least Bowser is still easy to talk to. He tries bringing in some more canvasses and they spend an afternoon painting together. They discover they both laugh at the other’s particular brand of bad jokes.
One day Yoshi arrives at Luigi’s normal visiting hour, regurgitates a letter into a guard Koopa’s hand, and walks off. Apparently Luigi is sick and can’t travel through the warp pipes without losing his lunch. He’s staying with his family in Brooklyn for the time being, and apologizes for missing their usual meeting time.
When Bowser hears that, he can’t help noticing how quiet it is without his friend Luigi.
This tumblr hasn’t been caked up in a while. Mostly because my designs have stayed consistent and I don’t want too many of the same picture on here. But the movie’s coming out tomorrow. So here’s a quick Bowuigi, a Mareach, and a Rosalina with Star Bits.
Begging for the day bowuigi fans to stop horrifically feminizing Luigi and making him essentially just a green peach 🙏
Look, I love bowuigi, but you guys go so far into making Luigi literally not be himself. Luigis hobbies/interests are mechanics, robotics, art, reading, cooking, etc. Basically being a renaissance man!
But you guys strip that away from him and make his interests be fashion/sewing, gardening, baking, etc. Yknow, all the hobbies that Peach is much more known for!
What makes this worse is so many of you headcannon him as a transman, which is fine, but constantly feminising him to the point he's okay with being called "mama", "queen", etc. All while you'll have a chapter about him being dysphoric is extremely gross. And before you "um actually" me about how transmen can be femm, I know this, but Luigi is not shown to be femm!!
Not to mention how you guys make Bowser a literal dumbass, despite the fact he's been shown to be pretty cunning with his ego, sometimes covering up mistakes in his plans.
I know I've complained about this before, but I feel like it's gotten so much worse recently. Did Luigi have a few moments in games/comics about dresses? Yes! But you guys have to remember most of that is from the 90s-2010s. They're supposed to be transphobic jokes or jokes about how Luigi is not as manly as mario.
I can sympathize with wanting characters in fanfic to be closer to their canon inspirations. One of my most consistent complaints about Bowuigi is that Bowser is often written too regal, mature, and emotionally intelligent. (Though I’m not sure where the idea of Bowser <<not>> being a dumbass in canon comes from. Usually his phase 2 comes from Kamek or Junior deploying one of their own contingencies).
But I can’t agree with asking them to stop, because a lot of the authors are trans themselves and clearly using Luigi as a self-insert for their own experiences. Y’know, because it’s fanfiction, which people make for free in their spare time for their own enjoyment. And even if Luigi in a dress started from a place of transphobia, reclamation is absolutely a thing.
It sucks when none of the stuff getting written is stuff you want to read. But the solution to that is to write what you want to see yourself, not to beg everyone else to do it.
And if something disgusts or annoys you to the point that you wish the author wouldn’t write it anymore, maybe consider not reading it in the first place.
(You're a little bit coming off as an asshole but please don't delete it because I have more to say)
I do create my own stuff! And when I don't I'm searching constantly, but there genuinly is basically nothing.
Me writing 1 fanfic vs 1000 bowuigi writers who are constantly writing luigi this way, is a damn near impossible task to ask of me.
For every fanfic with luigi not wearing a dress, there's 20 more of him where he does. I see luigi as a transman, I myself am trans (nonbinary) and try to be masculine, so seeing my favourite character be made into essentially a woman feels incredibly gross even when they don't see him as trans. It's comes off as the writer needing one of them to be the "women" in the relationship, which is pretty homophobic as well.
Not to mention, I have read about every bowuigi fanfic 😭 A03 I read almost everything, and on wattpad I read everything, because I was super fixated on the ship and the world of mario. I can tell you about the different eras and tropes! During the release of the first movie the amount of fanfics that started with "luigi dresses as peach and gets kidnapped, looks after the koopalings, and falls in love with bowser" is astronomical. It was basically every fic! If you go way back to the start and earlier first, it was luigi being left behind on accident and running into bowser. Way after the movies release, you can see a lot more fics about luigi looking after bowser in his cage or fits about peace treaties and such!
I'm not asking everyone to stop, but I'm asking for more variety in how people represent luigi. This isn't their own character, you do have to attempt at trying to write them correctly. I want the people who headcannon him as trans to acknowledge the absolute dyphoria you have constantly being called a women. And I want gay ships to stop having to have the "women" in them.
I understand and respect your position a lot more now. Apologies for jumping in and being supercilious about mine. It’s a bad habit, though I’m grateful for the further explanation.
Begging for the day bowuigi fans to stop horrifically feminizing Luigi and making him essentially just a green peach 🙏
Look, I love bowuigi, but you guys go so far into making Luigi literally not be himself. Luigis hobbies/interests are mechanics, robotics, art, reading, cooking, etc. Basically being a renaissance man!
But you guys strip that away from him and make his interests be fashion/sewing, gardening, baking, etc. Yknow, all the hobbies that Peach is much more known for!
What makes this worse is so many of you headcannon him as a transman, which is fine, but constantly feminising him to the point he's okay with being called "mama", "queen", etc. All while you'll have a chapter about him being dysphoric is extremely gross. And before you "um actually" me about how transmen can be femm, I know this, but Luigi is not shown to be femm!!
Not to mention how you guys make Bowser a literal dumbass, despite the fact he's been shown to be pretty cunning with his ego, sometimes covering up mistakes in his plans.
I know I've complained about this before, but I feel like it's gotten so much worse recently. Did Luigi have a few moments in games/comics about dresses? Yes! But you guys have to remember most of that is from the 90s-2010s. They're supposed to be transphobic jokes or jokes about how Luigi is not as manly as mario.
I can sympathize with wanting characters in fanfic to be closer to their canon inspirations. One of my most consistent complaints about Bowuigi is that Bowser is often written too regal, mature, and emotionally intelligent. (Though I’m not sure where the idea of Bowser <<not>> being a dumbass in canon comes from. Usually his phase 2 comes from Kamek or Junior deploying one of their own contingencies).
But I can’t agree with asking them to stop, because a lot of the authors are trans themselves and clearly using Luigi as a self-insert for their own experiences. Y’know, because it’s fanfiction, which people make for free in their spare time for their own enjoyment. And even if Luigi in a dress started from a place of transphobia, reclamation is absolutely a thing.
It sucks when none of the stuff getting written is stuff you want to read. But the solution to that is to write what you want to see yourself, not to beg everyone else to do it.
And if something disgusts or annoys you to the point that you wish the author wouldn’t write it anymore, maybe consider not reading it in the first place.
The little emotional journey his face goes through from surprise to fulfillment to conviction when he’s greeted by the rabid love of his minions. It’s actually really sweet, and totally in-character for Bowser and his subjects, but also that guy is about to reject redemption so damn hard.
At some plot-critical moment the action is gonna stop and our little green bean man is gonna extend the Sicilian olive branch and Bowser’s gonna swat it away with a laugh. He’s gonna give a speech. He’s gonna fucking loom over Luigi and grin that maniacal grin and use everything he’s learned over their months together to tear him down. Accuse him of keeping him from his son, his kingdom. Trying to force change on him to rip him away from people who love him unconditionally. The happiness he was chasing was right in front of him all along and he almost lost it all to become Luigi’s pathetic pet turtle.
And Luigi’s gonna cry. He’s gonna feel so hurt, so rejected. He’s gonna wonder if he really was a bad person for trying to help Bowser. And then he’s gonna kick the Koopa King’s ass seven ways to Sunday.
They’re trying to sink Bowuigi and to do that they absolutely wrote Bowuigi angst.
Well, you tagged your post so exclusively fans of this ship would see it, which I can only take to mean you’re looking for someone to explain it to you. So good on you for remaining open-minded despite the odds!
Anyway…
You’re not quite right in saying the Mario Movie scene is the crux of the ship, though it is the spark that lit the fire. That scene gave fuel to a few horny fanartists, and once we had the visual, a lot of Mario fans came to the same realization.
Namely: Luigi fits the dress.
It’s not just that he’s able to fit in Princess Peach’s dresses, can do a passable imitation of her voice, and has the same sparkling blue eyes(though canonically all of that is also true)
But he also possesses a lot of the qualities Bowser seems to value in Peach. He’s sweet, domestic, stronger than he looks, a good cook, and great with kids. And from the Mansion games, we can get the sense he likes mechanical engineering. If Bowser’s many, many custom robots are anything to go by, it’s an interest they share.
Another thing we realized is that Bowser shares a lot of personality traits in common with Luigi’s “established” Girlfriend-But-She-Lives-in-Another-Country, Princess Daisy. They’re both strong, loud, competitive, hot-blooded, and wear their emotions on their sleeve.
In short, Bowser and Luigi are definitely each other’s type. It really feels like, if they had an hour to chat about whatever without some kind of bullshit happening, they’d really hit it off.
And one aspect of past-decade Mario canon that Nintendo is having trouble shaking fans off of is Luigi’s tendency to be overlooked in favor of his brother. Who better to help him see his self-worth outside of being the Green Mario brother than one of the few people in the world that actually doesn’t care for Mario at all?
Bowser bolted his wine. The goblet was the size of his dinner companion’s head. It wasn’t enough. Nothing could make him relax in the face of that red-hatted menace sitting across from him.
Alone.
Why Luigi had thought this would be a good idea was beyond him. If only he could resist those precious, pleading blue eyes.
The blue eyes glaring daggers from across the table were far less appealing to him. Nevertheless, Bowser tried. With an awkward grimace that could almost be mistaken for a smile, he raised the goblet at Mario like he hadn’t just upended it into his maw. “So… catch the latest race-?”
“Howzabout we skip the playacting and just get to business? You don’t wanna spend a whole meal alone with me any more than I do with you.” It was the first thing he’d said since he arrived.
Bowser frowned. The pipsqueak wasn’t wrong, but- “Luigi wants us to at least try gettin’ along, Red, so-”
“Stop it!” Mario snapped. “Stop pretending you care what my brother wants!” He jumped up from his seat. “He fucking loves you, you piece of shit! He said he’d actually consider marrying you if you asked!” He spat the word “marrying” at Bowser like a particularly slimy shroom.
The king could only stare. They hadn’t said “I love you” yet. And he’d been so scared about falling into the fuck-ups of failures’ past and driving his perfect Green Bean away that he hadn’t even joked about marriage yet.
Mario’s expression grew darker as Bowser struggled to catch up. “You don’t even care, do you? You don’t even care that he’s so head over heels for you he’d fucking pack up and shack up with you tomorrow.”
Bowser‘s eyes dilated and a wisp of excited white smoke threaded from his nostrils. Would Luigi really move in with him? Should he ask, or better yet, DEMAND- “Gah!” He waved his arm, at Mario and the thoughts. “Quit tricking me into doing something I’ll regret, you sabotcher! I ain’t making a single move until Luigi tells me all this himself-” Hold on. Bowser finally finished processing the rest of Mario’s words. Did he actually think Bowser wasn’t serious about Luigi?
“I’m gonna warn you one last time, you stupid turtle,” he hopped up onto the long table and approached Bowser at eye level. “Drop. The act. And tell me. What you want.”
“What I- top of the list is you gettin’ your fucking filthy shoes off my tablecloth, you red menace!” Bowser was almost too offended to get angry. “Where the hell is this coming from? I’ve been dating your brother for six months! You think I’ve got the patience to play nice with someone I don’t actually like for that long?”
“You’ve been obsessed with my girlfriend longer than I’ve known her, so yes, I very much fuckin’ do think you’ve got the patience to put up with my brother for six months!”
“WHY WOULD YOU EVEN BRING HER-” Bowser stopped, took a deep breath and lightly prodded his knuckle into his forehead three times. Luigi, he thought. Luigi, Luigi. He opened his eyes and just managed to let his breath out as a sigh, rather than a growl. It was difficult. Something about this was wrong. Something was bugging him about the way Mario was talking. It was hard to pinpoint because everything the little pimple did was annoying by default.
Speaking of Mario, he was almost at his side of the table. Bowser faced him and said, as calmly as he could,“this is not about Peach.”
“What else could it be about!” Mario threw up his hands. “Is it me!? Are you doing this just to piss me off?”
Bowser’s jaw dropped. “Wha- get over yourself, shorty! All this is ‘about’ is Luigi. WHAT is so hard to believe about that!? There’s no secret evil plan! I am with your brother because I WANT to be with him, end of story!”
“WHY!? What do you get out of it!?” Mario practically screamed it into Bowser’s face.
“I- huh?” Bowser frowned. The answer to that question was so obvious it didn’t bear asking, why was Mario…
“You heard me!” he yelled. Some spittle hit Bowser’s cheek. Bowser ignored it. He was thinking.
Mario had accused him of “putting up” with Luigi. This whole time, he’d been so adamant that Bowser must have an ulterior motive. He must be after something else.
As though Luigi wasn’t even worth considering.
Bowser started growling. He rose from his seat to loom over Mario once more. The plumber backed up a step and took a fighting stance.
He took a quick, deep breath, and let it out. “Y’know,” he tried hard to turn his growl into a rough purr, “A lotta things suddenly make sense about how your brother acts.”
Quiet worked. Mario was put off guard for a second. He caught himself quickly and resumed his stance. Raising an eyebrow he barked, “What are you talking about now?”
“You know what I’m talkin’ about. The way Luigi walks around all scared and anxious, like he doesn’t know what a strong dude he is. How he acts like he has to apologize for takin’ up space. Like he has to constantly justify existing.” The red man’s other eyebrow slowly crawled up his forehead.
Bower huffed, “I know there’s a lotta jerk Toads givin’ him grief, but there’s not much you can do about that. Morons are morons. It took me years to see what he’s worth, after all.” Mario harrumphed, Bowser ignored him. “But that’s not the real problem, izzit?” He bared his teeth. “The real problem is that his own brother doesn’t know how much he’s worth.”
“What!” Mario sputtered.
“You heard me!” Bowser snarled. “You seriously have to ask what I get out of this? I get Luigi. I get the cutest, smartest, bravest, sweetest man in the whole damned world to smile at me like I deserve it. When I want to burn the world to the ground, he knows just what to say to make me laugh. He cooks my family delicious food and he cares for my kids like he laid them himself. He can take apart an airship engine and rebuild it in a coupla hours and I cannot… tell you… how sexy that is.” Bowser grinned at the face Mario pulled at that. “He’s the best.”
The grin fell abruptly. “And ya know what? No matter how many times I say all this to him, no matter how many times I try to tell him how amazing he is, he has never once thanked me like he believes what I’m sayin’. Now I know why. Because you’ve never told him how amazing he is.”
“You aren’t gonna turn this around on me…!” Mario exclaimed, though he looked troubled. “I love my brother!”
Bowser shot back without missing a beat, “Then why is it so damn hard for you to believe that someone else could?”
“I- You- He-” Mario’s gaze hardened. “Because it’s not “someone.” It’s you. And you proved a long time ago that you don’t know how to love like normal people do.” Mario lowered his head and bent at the knees a little. Getting ready to dodge.
It was so obvious, and Bowser still had to bite back flames. The despised hat was almost lost in the red rage clouding his vision. He wanted, more than almost anything he wanted, to bring his fists down on the table and start the boss music.
He didn’t. He took a deep breath, and he let it out, and all that anger gave way to tiredness. “Not tonight,” he told the wild-eyed man. “You don’t get to be right about anything tonight.” He turned and started walking away. “Get outta my castle. I’m not feeding you.”
Mario watched him go, breathing hard, still tensed for battle.
—
Luigi was only a few chapters into his first pulp novel of the evening when the door to the cottage opened. “Hey, that was longer than I thought it’d be!” he called out cheerfully. He carefully placed the bookmark he’d been fiddling with for the past half hour or so and set the book aside. “Did you actually manage to get through a course without starting something?” He swiveled to face his brother with a smile. “No food stains on the clothes, that’s a good si- Mario? Is something wrong?”
Mario’s eyes, staring at some distant galaxy, slowly refocused. The thoughtful frown on his face grew deeper. “Luigi…” he hesitated. “You… you know I love you, right?”
“Wha-” Luigi gaped at Mario. Of all the things he’d been expecting, that wasn’t even on the list. He tried to recover, scratched the back of his head with an confused laugh. “Uh… haha, yeah, bro. Obviously I know that. I love you too.”
“I just… I don’t say it a lot, so…”
“I mean, you don’t never say it.”
“Yeah, but still…”
Luigi frowned. Did something happen at dinner? Had Mario even gone to dinner in the first place? He knew Mario had his doubts about Bowser, but- he put his hand on his brother’s shoulder. “You know… Bowser hasn’t said it to me, either. ‘I love you,’ I mean. I think he’s deliberately going slow to make up for… uh, past, mistakes. But I still know how he feels, because he’s got plenty of other ways to say it. You should hear some of the crazy compliments he comes up with.” Luigi sighed and looked away, grin and blush growing on his face. “Heh, I dunno why he gasses me up so much, but… it is kinda nice, you know? Getting the hero treatment. I don’t know how you don't let it go to your head, haha!"
Mario’s jaw clenched. His breathing was ragged and his eyes grew red and watery. “I’m sorry Luigi,” came out as a choked whimper.
“Mario? Fratello mio, please, tell me what’s wrong- oof!” Luigi was tackled into a hug. His brother’s arms clutched at his back as he collapsed against his chest and sobbed bitterly.
The new trailer gives me a tiny hope for Bowuigi crumbs. The moment when Luigi tries to say he’s not the scared guy anymore, sees a Buzzy Beetle, and immediately freaks out “Yes I am! People don’t change!”
Except the painting scene from the first trailer seems to pretty heavily imply Luigi is trying to encourage Bowser to change. It’s looking more and more like Bowser betrays Luigi’s belief in him, probably when Junior first takes Peach’s castle.
(Which, I mean, are you really gonna blame a guy for choosing his son over prison? Admittedly Norwegian-style prison, but still)
But Luigi bringing it up here means that it’s going to be part of his Arc. Maybe Bowser will come around when the entire universe is about to be destroyed(remember all the times that happened in a Mario game?), and that’ll give Luigi the faith in himself that he needs to become the goofy green badass we know he is (Oh yeah. That reminds me. He kneed Bowser’s son in the fucking mouth. If BJ breaks badassery and cries after that, and Bowser hears it happen, it’s basically over for us)
Of course, it could be that this Arc has nothing more to do with Bowser beyond establishing self-doubt. (Maybe accidentally reinforced by his brother’s insistence on Bowser’s inability to change. I’m picturing a bro hug and a line near the end like, “Maybe Bowser can’t/ doesn’t want to be better, but you can, Lu. You did. You saved the whole Mario Galaxy.”)
Regardless, if there’s one thing I know for certain from that trailer: if the ship manages to thrive, a lot of the fics going forward after the movie are going to involve adopting Yoshi.
///I desperately want more Bowuigi in the world but I'm soooo lazy about writing so I'm gonna start making shorties whenever I can think of them///
“Okay, now this one is fra diavolo,” Luigi guided the wooden spoon up to Bowser’s lips. The Koopa King sniffed it curiously and sneezed a puff of smoke. He went adorably cross-eyed trying to glare at the spoon. Luigi went on, “It’s similar to arrabiata, but we add white wine and more herbs so it goes better with seafood. My family also likes to make ours a touch spicier than the arrabiata, so-” he was cut off by happy slurping sounds. Bowser had lost patience.
“Now that’s got some zip to it!” Bowser smacked his chops in appreciation. “This one gets the fire-breather’s stamp of approval, Greenie!”
Luigi blushed and giggled. “Oh? Did we finally find something to dethrone the Calabrese?”
“GWAHAHA! In yer dreams! Spice is nice but nothin’ beats a mouthful of meat!” Luigi’s blush surpassed the sauce for redness. Bowser, whose entendres were rarely intended, lit up with an idea. “Hey, how about we use this as a base for Calabrese?”
“Tartarugo sciocco, I just told you this sauce is for-”
Bushes rustled outside the cottage. Luigi yelped and jumped with the saucepan still held in his hand. Half the sauce jumped with the green plumber. Half of it jumped further, splattering Bowser full in the face. He started in surprise and broke the chair he was squeezed into, falling on the floor with a thud.
“Sorry!” Luigi set the pan down and rushed forward with a cloth. Bowser wasn’t moving, just sitting in the wreckage of a chair with sauce dripping down his face. “Sorry! Sorry!”
The king took a deep breath, and waved him off, swiping the cloth for himself. He wiped his eyes and nose, then stuck his tongue out and licked up as much of the sauce as he could reach. “Yer lucky this stuff is so tasty,” he finally smiled at Luigi.
Luigi let out a breathless, relieved chuckle. “Sorry,” he winced when he realized he;d said it again. “I know I was the one who wanted to do this at my house, I’m just… nervous.”
Bowser rolled his eyes at his anxious boyfriend. “I told you, my new tail powerups are top-notch. Red won’t be back for a while. Goombash’s gonna make sure of that.”
“Still, I think, next time we do one of these, I’d like to do it at the castle.” He hesitated. "Uh, if that's alright?"
“You kidding? We’d love to have ya! Gourmet Guy says he’s finally got a meatball recipe that’ll show you up after last time. Won’t even let me try it until you approve. Hold on, though.” Something occurred to Bowser, and his expression went from amused to deadly serious. “If you make your family recipes at the castle, it’s not gonna taste as good. That’s what you said.”
Luigi snickered at the earnestness in his tone of voice. Bowser probably thought there was an actual deliciousifying spell at work. “I said they’d taste better if I could make them at home. And… I’ve been over to your place so many times, it already kinda feels like home, you know? I’m sure it’ll be fine.”
“Luigi…” Bowser’s eyes were tender for a moment, then cockiness reasserted itself. “Makin’ me blush over here, Greenie. Come on over and lemme lay a spicy kiss on ya.” He held out sauce-speckled arms. His face was a mask of red, even after wiping.
“Uh, no, that’s okay.” Luigi held up his hands and backed away slowly.
Too slowly. Bowser snagged him around the waist and pulled him in to plant a sloppy smooch on his cheek. He laughed and tried to push the enormous sticky face away, only to find a pushy snout nuzzling into his chest. “Bowser, stoo~op! Heeheehee! C’mon, you’re staining my apron!”
“I’ll have a custom one made for you,” Bowser pushed past resistance to nibble Luigi’s ear. “With a funny saying on it. Whaddya think about ‘Protector of the King’s Paunch?” He moved his lips to Luigi’s neck and breathed out before closing the gap, knowing it was a ticklish spot. As Luigi’s protests disintegrated into peals of laughter, he let the tip of his tongue graze under his jawline.
They were so preoccupied they didn’t hear the door open, but they heard it shut. Mario’s voice rang out, “Hey Lu! Turns out it was a false alarm, some Goomba with a spiked Tanooki tail that didn’t even have-” He turned after kicking his shoes off, to see his brother, frozen in Bowser’s arms, with sauce smeared all over the two of them.
Nobody spoke or moved for what felt like hours. Bowser finally remembered to tuck his tongue back into his mouth, which in turn brought Luigi back.
“Mario!” he shouted, “It’s… it’s not what you think!”
“Yeah, it’s better,” Bowser said.
“Shhzzt!” Luigi made a panic noise through clenched teeth and tried to stand up.
Mario finally unfroze. “I fuckin’ knew it,” he said with a sigh.
“Look, I'm sorry, I swear it just- Hold on, wha- you- bro, when did you-”
“Look just… clean up after you’re done, I gotta go to the castle. I owe Peach some money.” Mario opened the door and walked out shaking his head. He didn't put his shoes back on.
The door closed on Bowser snickering as Luigi yelled futilely after his brother, “Wait! Mario! How did you KNOW!?”
